dlpardo Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I really hope/pray anyone that reads this will attempt to be understanding and realize we are all different and some people have different needs. My 4 year old son and I are close and have a loving relationship. He does suffer a lot from separation anxiety even since he was a tiny little guy. He used to get so upset that he would throw up (one example is that my mom had been visiting and he had already been around her for a week so I went to the restroom at a restaurant and while I was gone he threw up). He outgrew the vomiting around age 3 but does have a fear of school because he will "miss me too much." To help him he has been in play therapy and we also attended a Mommy and Me gymnastics class for six months and now he attends his own gymnastics class by himself for one hour while I am in the parents waiting area, and he's doing well with that. This is the part I hope people don't judge me too harshly, I have made peace with homeschooling him and I am even excited about it, but I really need some time for myself. I know there are moms with lots of little ones that get zero time for themselves and don't complain. I take him the nursery at my gym for about an hour and a half 3 times a week and he was doing well until our last visit a few days ago. He cried and cried that he didn't want to be separated from me, so I didn't make him. The ladies there adore him and he has never had any problems with the children there. I feel like this is the only thing I have in my life that is for me and if I can't get even that little bit of time I am going to crack. Mental illness does run in my family so I might spoil myself more than the average person to try to prevent this. I guess my question is, am I selfish for needing this time? Do I force him to go? I have never forced him to go, if he can't handle it that day, we just try again the next week, but now he doesn't want to go at all. Any KIND advice would be appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Oh honey, you are not selfish AT ALL! I work on the weekends, and sometimes, honestly, I am so happy by the end of the week to be going to work! It's okay to want some time to yourself. Good for you for working out and keeping your body healthy! I have a child with anxiety, and we were at the point you are about 18 months ago. It is sooooo much better. We just went at her pace and let her lead. I would be very hesitant to push him too hard. Listen to your gut, and then you can decide how much to push. Maybe start over by leaving him for 5 minutes, then 10, then 30, or whatever. Go slow. Be kind to yourself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Don't worry, it's not selfish. You need to take care of yourself. You know your own limits. At one point in our family life I determined that I needed 10 hours off per week in order to function. (I am sure some moms will think that is way too much! but that was me. Nowadays I don't need that much.) Anyway, are there other trusted adults who could spend time with him? DH, grandparents, other moms for a short playdate with another child? I also liked to find a coffeeshop with a play area, then I could sit for a few minutes while he played nearby. Then I could take a breath. The classes you mention are also good. And, the important thing is that this will not go on for always! And, as they get older there are more opportunities for them to do things they like while you are nearby but not hovering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Don't punish yourself but I do want to point out that you CANNOT prevent mental illness by doing this. Sorry. That part of your post stuck out to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 You are not selfish! It's perfectly healthy to want private time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 You are NOT being selfish. I agree with the PP - keep doing what you're doing...pushing him just a little at a time. If he's been okay being in the nursery at the gym for awhile and then threw a fit one day, just try again. It was probably just a bad day and he'll be fine next time. My 3 yo screamed about going to his class at church this morning. Out of nowhere. He's always loved the class....and he'll probably be fine next week. Just keep swimming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Not selfish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Sometimes it's easier for kids to have each day the same. So instead of three days (like MWF) where he is separated from you, you might want to make it 5 or even 7. That way he knows the routine, that every day he'll be spending some time in the nursery. When it's a MWF schedule, for little ones it can seem like every day is different and scary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dlpardo Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Maybe it can't prevent mental illness, but I do get really down/depressed when I don't get this time. Maybe that is the real issue that I need to address with a doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 When you do decide to leave him at the nursery - is there a clock he could watch? Teach him how the big hand moves (at home) and then at the nursery when the big hand is on the 6 (or whatever), then mom will be back. I'd start out with 15 minutes (as much of a waste of time as it seems!), and I'd practice it at home first, so he gets used to what 15 minutes feels like. Then slowly build up the time 10 more minutes each time, maybe? Good luck, I feel for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 You are gong to get wonderful advice from the wise ladies here, I'm sure. I want to give you :grouphug:. All three of my older DDs were/are a lot like you describe your son, with different levels of anxiety at different ages. My 8 year old DD reminds me of your son at that age. My brother used to joke that it was groundhog day (the movie) with her, because it took hours getting her to be comfortable enough around my family to let go of me, only to start from scratch the very next day. I had no breaks, except when my husband was available. With time and lots of patience, she has outgrown a lot of the separation anxiety she had when she was much younger. She is now 8, and I remember being criticized by acquaintances and dh's family over her inability to be without me. Now that your son is verbal, I'd start asking him how he feels when you are not near him. Give him words to use to describe his feelings. Tell him how you feel and what you do to comfort yourself. Suggest he do the same. Try to practice at home situations in which you have to leave him home. I know it sounds silly, but it has worked wonders for us. I used to tell DD, "Remember how we practiced at home you staying with grandma so that mommy could go to the store? I know you feel scared that you will need me and I won't be there for a hug, but remember that grandma will give you hugs too. She was my mommy and she gave me great big hugs when I was little like you." Like I said, you're probably going to get better advice from everyone else. This is how I helped my DD overcome her anxiety. She has some other issues that I don't think are related, that we are still working on. I've been wanting to ask for advice about her for a while, but with regard to this issue, she has come a long way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dlpardo Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 So glad to hear I am not the only one that needs a little bit of time for myself. I think I will start taking him again and try short periods of time and slowly stretch it out. Thanks to everyone for the support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I didn't mean to sound harsh; just wanted you to know that unfortunately we can't prevent depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, ect....from happening to us. We can take steps to help with the symptoms, which is sounds like you need to do. But, I think all mothers who stay at home exclusively and work need time away or else we feel like we are going to go nuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dlpardo Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 No, I understand you didn't mean to be harsh. Having an aunt that has suffered a lot from mental illness and even had family members abandon her, I know that there is a lot of rumors, for lack of a better word, about mental illness. I am glad you clarified because I don't want people to think that exercise/personal time is some miracle cure and depressed people are just not helping themselves. I know a lot of ppl need medication or professional help and their mental illness was nothing that they caused or could have been prevented. So I am not offended at all that you pointed this out. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Oh my goodness, that sounds tough. I need my quiet time too! I don't have any great advice, but lots of sympathy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 When you do decide to leave him at the nursery - is there a clock he could watch? Teach him how the big hand moves (at home) and then at the nursery when the big hand is on the 6 (or whatever), then mom will be back. I'd start out with 15 minutes (as much of a waste of time as it seems!), and I'd practice it at home first, so he gets used to what 15 minutes feels like. Then slowly build up the time 10 more minutes each time, maybe? Good luck, I feel for you! I teach the preschoolers at church and I've used this and it works really well. I also have a Mickey Mouse watch, so that helps. I tell them that when Mickey is pointing at the 6, their grown-up will come for them. We don't often get kids crying and hysterical, but when we do, this seems to grab their attention and help them settle down. They seem to respond to the tangible-ness of seeing the watch, compared to some vague "mom will be back soon..." You could show your son a watch, and then ask the worker to show him when you're gone. He can keep checking the watch to see how much closer the hands are. If you do this, make sure you synchronize your watch and that you're back on time!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Just wanted to add that my doctor once told me that studies had shown that having a scheduled time off to yourself, that happened reliably every week, was one of the best things you can do for mental 'good health'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyg Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Your need to be alone is not selfish. But it's also possible that your child's need to be with you is not selfish either. It's possible that he truly can't endure the separation and is expressing a real need. Mine was like that when he was your son's age; he's 13 now, and old enough that we know the anxiety was/is real. Is it possible Dad can keep him for you? In all honesty, I found I had to curtail this sort of "me" time far more than other moms around me, far more than seemed right to me. My child truly couldn't cope with the separation. ETA: At age 13, he no longer has issues with separation anxiety; but it went on far longer than anyone would have expected it to. Edited May 9, 2011 by Cindyg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Does he suffer the same level of anxiety at home? I ask because instituting a rest time, (AKA Mommy's alone time), every day might give you the breathing space you need. None of mine suffer from an over abundance of separation anxiety, but I desperately need a little alone time each day to function. We have a rest time in the afternoon where the kids look at books and then may quietly play in their rooms. While they do that, I exercise, watch a little mindless tv, read a book, or check e-mail. It might not help address his anxieties, but maybe it could help you keep from becoming overwhelmed at his level of need right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Where is it written that we don't complain? :001_huh: I complain plenty, and barricade myself in my bedroom and eat too much chocolate, if push comes to shove. Not every day is like that, but enough are... My kids are much better than they used to be, but I still wouldn't leave them unless I really had to. Fortunately that's only been about once a year. Last time was just before dd turned 4 and I left them with my brother for a few hours to go to a good friend's wedding reception. She asked for us almost constantly, but she didn't actually cry hysterically until she fell asleep as she used to. I think you have to give them what they need as much as you are capable, so they feel safe enough to grow out of the phase. An email buddy helps, lol. I think there are many of us on here with email buddies to help keep us from locking the kids in the pantry and heading to the airport! I understand your fear of mental illness. You give what you can give, and if you can't give it, they can't have it. We aren't entitled to perfect children and they aren't entitled to perfect mothers. :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Where is it written that we don't complain? :001_huh: I complain plenty, and barricade myself in my bedroom and eat too much chocolate, if push comes to shove. Not every day is like that, but enough are... My kids are much better than they used to be, but I still wouldn't leave them unless I really had to. Fortunately that's only been about once a year. Last time was just before dd turned 4 and I left them with my brother for a few hours to go to a good friend's wedding reception. She asked for us almost constantly, but she didn't actually cry hysterically until she fell asleep as she used to. I think you have to give them what they need as much as you are capable, so they feel safe enough to grow out of the phase. An email buddy helps, lol. I think there are many of us on here with email buddies to help keep us from locking the kids in the pantry and heading to the airport! I understand your fear of mental illness. You give what you can give, and if you can't give it, they can't have it. We aren't entitled to perfect children and they aren't entitled to perfect mothers. :grouphug: Rosie Rosie, I love what you wrote, especially that last part about not being entitled to perfect children/mothers. It's so true, and yet I'd never thought of it like that. I mean, I don't expect my children to be perfect, but I'd never entertained the idea of being a less than perfect mother. Perfection is what I strive for, even though I know I'm going to fail. Now where do I sign up for an email buddy?:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug: I had one who was very clingy. He never reached that point of anxiety as you've mentioned. All though we lived next door to someone for 6 months before she finally saw his beautiful face. Anytime she came over or we saw her my son would bury himself in my armpit. That said, he's one of the most outgoing children I have right now and I had to refrain him from inviting complete strangers to his party last year! :lol: I don't think your one little bit selfish. Every mamma needs a bit of time alone or she tends to go crazy and cranky.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 You are not selfish. And clingy kids can grow into extremely independent older people. My dd was never clingy at all- would go to anyone, anytime. Loved daycare, loved school. But ds was like your son although not as extreme as the vomiting part. Fortunately I had dh around a fair bit- ds did not like staying with dh but it was a compromise I was willing to make for my own sanity. I used to do one activity an evening a week- a cooking class etc- just to get a break. I found homeschooling great for my son- he had mostly outgrown his clinginess by then but wow, is he independent now, and he has been for a long time. I think these kids need a lot more to fill up their love bucket when they are young- but you need to keep filling yours up too, in order to keep filling his up. My son hated gym creche but I made him go- I would bribe him with ice cream or whatever I could! He took bribes- that made it easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GypsieFamily Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 That's not selfish. Everyone needs a little time to themselves. My experience is that despite common advice just to push them and they'll get used to it, if you allow them to have what they need they slowly get over it because it's not an issue. As you said, he was worse but he's slowly dealing with it. If you forced the issue, then he may get more worked up about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Does your ds have an early bedtime? A good bedtime routine? I ask because this is my peace (mine are currently in PS, but routine stays the same over the summer). My ds goes to bed at 6:30 every single night. It doesn't matter how bad the day has been, or how much he's been under my feet, the clock saves me. (This time started because I was taking EMT classes 2 nights per week. I had to have him sleeping before I left.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Agreeing with everyone else - you are not in the least bit selfish, and I totally understand what you mean about getting a little "you" time to keep you sane. I get myself some space in different ways. We usually have Quiet Time at around 1pm, which means an hour in different rooms doing something peaceful; dd3 usually naps. Then, their bedtime is 8pm for the littles and 8:30pm for the olders, so I'll get an hour or so with or without dh, but at least it's quiet. And on Saturdays, I jealously guard my two-hour coffee time in town: I take myself off to a quiet coffee shop with my latest book and just relax. All these things give me the space and peace that I need as an introvert, and I'm a LOT more able to cope with the demands of family life as a result. (They say I'm nicer, too :D ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmykids Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I am not sure of his age of your child. But, I have gone through the same thing with my children. They both suffer from severe anxiety. At one point when my ds was on melt down I gently walked up to him and said, let me explain something to you, we all get to this point in our day and its okay. Even mommy gets to this point so lets make a deal. When you feel like this I will help you in whatever you need and when I feel like that I will say to you "I have nothing left to give" Now, he understands when I need alone time. Generally, I get to take a bath or I just put him or both of them to bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Children who've suffered more "psychosocial stressors" of any kind are more vulnerable to mental illness. It's one of many factors that go into the mix. Mental illness is caused by many factors, not just one, and efforts to provide a stable, predictable, and low-stress environment for children help to reduce their risk. That's not to say that an ideal environment is all that's needed, because mental illness sometimes strikes people who've lived in very good environments. I'm only saying this to encourage the OP's efforts, and to counter the idea that environment doesn't matter-it does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I don't think you're being selfish at all. BUT, I would not force him to go. I would worry that by doing so I would be making it worse and that it would take him even longer to get over it for good than if I just followed his cues now. So, I would continue to do what you're doing, following his lead, giving him the choice, not letting him see that you are upset or disappointed if he doesn't do it, and just keeping it casual and so on. You may have to get your "me time" in other ways for now like before he wakes up in the morning, when he goes to bed at night, or if there's a close relative in the picture he'd be willing to stay with now and then so you could get out. Hang in there, it'll get better eventually. Four is still very young! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I will add that I had a child with pretty severe separation anxiety, and it seemed to peak at around 4. His was noticeable when he was 3 months old-I'm serious-a friend held him and he absolutely panicked. He's turning 18 in a month and has been in Germany for 8 months as an AFS exchange student. It does improve, slowly, but it's VERY difficult to cope with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 what time does he go to sleep? Perhaps you can schedule time out while he's sleeping once in a while? My babies all had an early bedtime for this reason. It was so nice to go out for a couple hours in the evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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