I feel like....well....I don't know how to feel.

[Lara in Colo]

Wonderful update on Post # 31

 

 

 

 

I have been watching a troubled 2yo for my niece and it had been tough.

He is troubled.

His father is/was abusive to his mother.

He bites (hard) pinches (hard) and throws things when he gets mad.

He also is mean to the pets.

The wierd thing is, it is really hard to tell he is mad.

He just sort of internalizes the anger and suddenly strikes.

He bit my daughter in the groin while she watched TV because he wanted her place on the couch, he didn't yell or scream, he just bit.

He shows no emotion when he hurts things.

He bit my cat in the neck and I couldn't get him to let go.

He pulled DD3's(she is 7) hair and while she was crying, he bit her in the back!

I have tried all I know to fix him (disipline, love, hugs, attention, no attention.. all my mommy tricks)

This is supposedly a temporary situation, for family, which means to me that I should work harder and be more loving.

I really want to show Christian love for this child.

The result is we haven't done full time school in over 3 weeks. (each child gets something everyday, but we are at 1/6 our normal level). We are ahead so the world will not end, but all the hard work to excell is out the door.

The reason I cannot do school is if I leave him unattended for more than 5 minutes, a child or a pet is in danger of harm (then there is the normal 2yo stuff like markers and duplos, and messes and keeping him out of the Easter candy)

My children are afraid to be near him.

They are always in the back yard or basement.

They are turning (and this is a biggie for me) mean. They accuse him of things he didn't do, close doors in his face, tell him to go away. I feel for this child and I spent yesterday admonishing my children about their Christian spirit. I spent time yesterday in prayer trying to find my own Christian love and spirit. This child needs love and help.

My school is suffering. My own children are feeling unhappy in their own home.

 

After all the prayer yesterday, last evening he leaned over on the couch and bit my son on his back (DS was sick and on the couch with a barf bowl, moaning). There was no reason for this! DS was barely aware someone else was in the room!!

All the attacks are when I am in another room, thus leading me to believe that the child KNOWS better.

 

I told his mother to find another sitter.

 

I feel guilty.

I feel like I failed her, her child, my God.

 

I feel like I am NOT failing the children God gave me to protect.

I feel like I can have a school again ( and yes. I am one of those that KNOWS God told me to HS)

I feel relieved. And ashamed to feel that way.

 

Tell me how to feel.

Tell me I did all I could.

Tell me I'm not a terrible person.

 

 

Lara

Edited May 6, 2011 by Lara in Colo

[dcjlkplus3]

:grouphug: I think that you made the right decision and I would also be feeling all of the different emotions that you feel. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: What a difficult situation. From what you've described this toddler needs professional help, not just a babysitter. I know he's young but I'm sure there are child psychologists out there who can give his parents and him some guidance. In the meantime, I really think you did the right thing by saying that you can't help anymore. You've done your best as a "lay person" to help but as you said, it's affecting your family in very negative ways.

[DaffodilDreams]

Honoring boundaries vital to your family's wellbeing does not mean you are a terrible person. The child sounds like he needs a ton of professional help. I would be afraid to have him in my home.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: What a difficult situation. From what you've described this toddler needs professional help, not just a babysitter. I know he's young but I'm sure there are child psychologists out there who can give his parents and him some guidance. In the meantime, I really think you did the right thing by saying that you can't help anymore. You've done your best as a "lay person" to help but as you said, it's affecting your family in very negative ways.

 

:iagree: but first some hugs. This child really does need professional help. If he doesn't get it soon, his behavior is likely to get worse, not better. I really believe that your children need to not be near him without 100% supervision so I think your decision to stop watching him is wise. I would strongly encourage you to kindly talk to the mom about getting help. His behavior is beyond not normal, likely due to the abuse.

[Poke Salad Annie]

:grouphug: What a difficult situation. From what you've described this toddler needs professional help, not just a babysitter.

:iagree: And :grouphug: to you for being so patient and kind all this time.

[Denisemomof4]

your kids will probably need some time to heal after this. And I agree, he definitely needs help, PROFESSIONAL help. I'm so glad you won't be watching him anymore - your kids deserve a peaceful and happy life.

 

While he IS at your house, have him within an arms reach At All Times, EVEN if you go to the bathroom. Just have him turn around. Trust me on this, it sounds ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I know how overwhelming it sounds but you can do it until you're no longer his sitter. This is how I have to live with dd8 and it's just become a way of life. Not HAPPY about it but it's just our new normal.

 

ETA: You need to know that you DID NOT FAIL. I have a dd that sounds VERY similar to your nephew (she's my only adopted) and I *KNOW* how hard it is. YOU DID NOT FAIL but you DO have a responsibility to keep your children safe, and it doesn't sound like that can happen with this boy in your house.

[AuntieM]

You should feel like you did the right thing in the primary mission you've been given this season - you've taken action to protect your children.

 

Biting is serious. It is a serious action and a sign of serious aggression in the child.

 

Serve him by praying for him and recommending that he needs an evaluation. Serve his mother by watching him only occasionally.

 

I think you are amazing for a three week effort. I don't think I'd have gone beyond three days (or maybe just 3 hours...).

[2cents]

You did the greatest good for the greatest amount of people. You did the right thing. Maybe this will help your niece recognize that he needs intervention. It sounds like he needs serious professional help. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

You did what you needed to to protect the people and animals in your family. You can't rescue or fix this boy - that's the job of his mother. You did the best you could given a heartbreaking situation. :grouphug:

[Kalypso]

I think you absolutely did the right thing for your family. You must protect your children first. I also agree with the other posters that the child needs more help than another babysitter. I hope you find peace with your decision.:grouphug::grouphug:

[RachelFlores]

:grouphug: You are not a failure, you did what was right for your family and that has to be your first priority. I am impressed you had him for three whole weeks. I had a 2 year old nephew (along with his 4 siblings) who I was suposed to watch for 2 weeks when dd was a baby. He was extremely distructive to EVERYTHING arround him, every toy got broken, every piece of furniture got beat on. Fortunately he only occasionally hurt one of his siblings, but I only lasted a week and the last few days he was with me every second of those days. I too felt guilty, but you have to put your immediate family first because no one else will.

 

This little boy sounds like he needs professional help quickly, if he can get a diagnosis he could possibly qualify for state sponsored childcare which might be important because the average daycare (at least the ones I worked at) will not allow continuous biting to occure.

[Jen+4dc]

:grouphug: I think that you made the right decision and I would also be feeling all of the different emotions that you feel. :grouphug:

:iagree:

:grouphug: What a difficult situation. From what you've described this toddler needs professional help, not just a babysitter. I know he's young but I'm sure there are child psychologists out there who can give his parents and him some guidance. In the meantime, I really think you did the right thing by saying that you can't help anymore. You've done your best as a "lay person" to help but as you said, it's affecting your family in very negative ways.

 

:iagree:

Your primary job right now is your own kids!!! :grouphug: to you and your niece. I hope she can get this little guy some real help. You'll all be in my prayers.

[Mommy22alyns]

Wow. Yes, you did all you could and you're certainly not awful for putting your foot down for your own family's well-being. I hope your kids recover soon.

[mom2l&j]

You have made the right decision for your family.

 

Growing up, my family took custody of 2 of my cousins temporarily. The younger girl was very similar to the 2 yo you described. Unfortunately for my cousin this was just the tip of the iceberg. She is now a teenager and in a group home. She has never been able to form a bond with ANYONE. It's very sad, but we all did everything we could to try to "fix" her. Unfortunately, she was so deeply affected by the neglect and abuse as a baby that, even with the intense love and endless therapy, she hasn't been able to overcome it.

 

So while your heart is in the right place, you need to put your children first.

[Lara in Colo]

Thank you ladies!!

 

I really was doubing my decision!

 

I feel better and I have suggested she get counseling for both of them.

 

She called a shelter for (counseling) info last week and I hope she follows through.

 

I also told her that these places would be the best place to find childcare for troubled children.

 

I have him today (he has napped most of the day) and some of Tuesday.

 

Of course I will be there to help out when I can, as long as my children have 95% of their time w/o him.

 

As of tomorrow we can breath a sigh of relief and feel easy in our home again.

 

Thank you for making me feel better!

 

Lara

[Lara in Colo]

While he IS at your house, have him within an arms reach At All Times, EVEN if you go to the bathroom. Just have him turn around. Trust me on this, it sounds ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I know how overwhelming it sounds but you can do it until you're no longer his sitter. This is how I have to live with dd8 and it's just become a way of life. Not HAPPY about it but it's just our new normal.

 

ETA: You need to know that you DID NOT FAIL. I have a dd that sounds VERY similar to your nephew (she's my only adopted) and I *KNOW* how hard it is. YOU DID NOT FAIL but you DO have a responsibility to keep your children safe, and it doesn't sound like that can happen with this boy in your house.

 

 

 

 

Denise,

 

I have much, much respect and admiration for your struggle. My life has come to halt from this (only for three weeks). I cannot fathom how you continue to get out of bed, more else homeschool! My hats off to you, you are an amazing, and stong woman!!

 

Lara

[mcconnellboys]

I feel you absolutely made the right decision. The apparent pre-meditation and lack of remorse of this child makes me very concerned for his mental well-being. Has he been seen by anyone regarding these issues? Is he being followed? He may be a little young for intervention yet, but I would think his story needs to be known and he needs to be watched....

[Ester Maria]

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty for not being willing to put up with pathological behavior by somebody who is not your child and whom you can "opt out" of in your life. The little boy has some serious issues which, from what you write, might as well warrant professional help. There is nothing you can realistically do for him. Also note that in some cases, love and acceptance is just not enough to change some profoundly messed up things in a person, even such a little one. Professional help is needed in those instances; sometimes even that is not a guarantee. A world is one dreary place in which there are many unhappy and scary people walking around, little and big ones. "Opting out" of them if you can, drawing some lines and not letting them into your private life if it hurts everybody involved is NOT something you should feel guilty about. Rather, it is a wise decision of recognizing your own limits and recognizing which situations are bigger than you.

 

Your children deserve better. They should not put up with that aggression in their home.

The little boy deserves better too, better than what he experienced and how he was treated (such behavior is often indicative of an early life trauma, inability to bond, etc.). But you do not have to be a saint. You do not have to be the one to provide that for him. Especially not at the cost of your own emotional draining and the stability of your home.

 

You cannot fix the world. Focus on keeping stable and safe that little world you have in your house, without letting anyone ruin it. :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think you're remarkable.

 

I think it's normal to feel all of the things you're feeling. By letting this child's mother know that this is more than a babysitter can handle, you are putting them on the path to seeking help.

 

Cat

[Margo out of lurking]

You are not a terrible person. This child needs far more help than you, or anyone else (in a sitter position), is able to provide. You did the right thing to protect your family first.

 

If possible, perhaps you can continue to reach out to the mother. Good for you for encouraging her to have them both get counseling.

 

What a horrible situation for all involved.:grouphug:

Edited May 5, 2011 by Kristine out of lurking
clarity

[Pretty in Pink]

You made a good choice. Your family comes first. :grouphug: I admire your willingness and ability to such a difficult decision, and your ability to care for this little boy despite his more challenging behaviors.

 

If you find yourself babysitting him in the future, would it be possible to corral him in a playpen during those times when you cannot be right on top of him?

 

Hugs to your kiddos, too, for having to deal with him.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

He sounds a bit like my son was at that age (and still is sometimes). I would NEVER have been able to babysit my ds!

 

For a kid his age, it sounds like early intervention is in order. He should qualify for psychological and daycare/preschool services as a preschooler with a disability.

[Lara in Colo]

You know what is interesting in this whole mess is the way I look at my husband. He is a good man (not great LOL), but good.

 

I have a non parent for a father, not cold, but never warm and fuzzy. My brother is the same (this is his grandchild).

I see that my niece isn't very warm and fuzzy, combine that with a husband that would get agressive if she showed emotion, it is no wonder this child has emotional issues.

 

I have an Uncle who is VERY warm and fuzzy, very affectionate and would (I know) travel to the ends of the Earth for me and mine.

 

He stepped in and became my "father" when I needed one. When I was looking at DH as husband material I "chose" him for the way he loved.

(like my uncle)

 

I actually called my uncle yesterday and thanked him for taking on a job he didn't have to and changing the course of not only my life, but the lives of my children.

 

 

I keep hearing that song by John Mayer "Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do......"

 

 

There but for the grace of Uncle go I......

 

Lara

[Impish]

You should feel like you did the right thing in the primary mission you've been given this season - you've taken action to protect your children.

 

Biting is serious. It is a serious action and a sign of serious aggression in the child.

 

Serve him by praying for him and recommending that he needs an evaluation. Serve his mother by watching him only occasionally.

 

I think you are amazing for a three week effort. I don't think I'd have gone beyond three days (or maybe just 3 hours...).

:iagree:

[Jean in Newcastle]

You know what is interesting in this whole mess is the way I look at my husband. He is a good man (not great LOL), but good.

 

I have a non parent for a father, not cold, but never warm and fuzzy. My brother is the same (this is his grandchild).

I see that my niece isn't very warm and fuzzy, combine that with a husband that would get agressive if she showed emotion, it is no wonder this child has emotional issues.

 

I have an Uncle who is VERY warm and fuzzy, very affectionate and would (I know) travel to the ends of the Earth for me and mine.

 

He stepped in and became my "father" when I needed one. When I was looking at DH as husband material I "chose" him for the way he loved.

(like my uncle)

 

I actually called my uncle yesterday and thanked him for taking on a job he didn't have to and changing the course of not only my life, but the lives of my children.

 

 

I keep hearing that song by John Mayer "Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do......"

 

 

There but for the grace of Uncle go I......

 

Lara

 

I'm so glad that you had your Uncle. And I'm so glad that your niece and her son has you as an Aunt. But it does sound like this child needs help being able to even accept love.

[chickadoodle3]

:grouphug: Your first job is to protect the children that God gave you. Then, love on others. You did right, there is no reason your children should have to live in fear in their own house. If it kept up, they would wish they could go to school just so that they would not have to put up with all that. You did not fail that child. His parents are failing him. He need help.

 

God first

Then spouse

then children

then others

 

Your doing good;) God bless you for the sacrifice you already made.

[Diana B]

Definitely get this little boy help. I was watching a little boy who was so abused / neglected before the age of 2 that 3+ years in a loving, caring foster home and he is still massively acting out. He's in intense therapy preschool. And he still has daily fits & violent tendencies.

 

But I guess he's better. At age 2, his first couple foster families were afraid to have him because they were afraid he'd murder them in their sleep or something. He was THAT violent and disturbed.

 

He actually has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (along with ADHD and agressive-reactive disorder or something like that).

 

What's sad to me is this kid doesn't remember ANYTHING from his time with his real mom. He has no idea what happened to him (nobody knows the details, really), but he will probably always have issues with it.

 

With all that said, I agree with the other posters. You need to take care of the children God gave you. Don't feel guilty for protecting them. I would research out any programs this child might qualify for and hand over the list to the mom. Let her know that you found some places that will be a lot better for him than your home. In her position, you might even need to help her go through the process of getting him evaluated (if you can/will do that). However it happens, get him out of your home and into a good therapy program.

[kchara]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you've had to be dealing with this. I would probably feel the same way you do, but I do agree with everyone else. He needs professional help. Serious, hard core, professional help. Even if you had no other children and were able to devote 100% of his time with you to him, you still wouldn't be able to fix him. He'd still need some serious, intensive help. :grouphug: Lots of prayer, for him and you.

[kalanamak]

Honoring boundaries vital to your family's wellbeing does not mean you are a terrible person. The child sounds like he needs a ton of professional help. I would be afraid to have him in my home.

 

:iagree: Sadly, it sounds like this boy got a dose of his father's genes.

[Lara in Colo]

Praise be to God!!!!!!

 

I just spoke with someone about the situation. (my mother who she is living with)

 

Last night My niece got herself right with God.

Her salvation has been tenuous (sp?) and I was really worried about it because my actions might cause her to turn away further. NO--Yea!!

 

Today she spoke with her boss (she works at a school) and was told about a daycare program for difficult children (biters and childen with ISSUES). This is a daycare that has professionals that also DX problems and help find solutions. This is state ran and she should qualify for free care.

 

SO...because of his stay here, we discovered his problem, (before he had never been with other children) and we are working towards a solution.

So I guess my prayers were anwered...he is getting what he needs.... and so is his mother.

Look God can use this simple SAHM to do His work. I have been feeling like a usless lump of humanity, trapped as a teacher and a mom (I know this is what God asked of me, butI always thought I'd have a more....flashy calling). Now I know God can use me for more than just schooling and parenting, He can bring my ministry to me, I just have to be open to His will. I'm not saying I feel that my life isn't important, just not very outreachy.. ya know? Sort of like a pastor of a small church wanting a big church and realizing he does more good where he is.

 

Wow, God is good. If any of you are feeling as I did, chin up and realize you are useful, just be useable and know you are important.

 

Lara

[Jean in Newcastle]

Praise be to God!!!!!!

 

I just spoke with someone about the situation. (my mother who she is living with)

 

Last night My niece got herself right with God.

Her salvation has been tenuous (sp?) and I was really worried about it because my actions might cause her to turn away further. NO--Yea!!

 

Today she spoke with her boss (she works at a school) and was told about a daycare program for difficult children (biters and childen with ISSUES). This is a daycare that has professionals that also DX problems and help find solutions. This is state ran and she should qualify for free care.

 

SO...because of his stay here, we discovered his problem, (before he had never been with other children) and we are working towards a solution.

So I guess my prayers were anwered...he is getting what he needs.... and so is his mother.

Look God can use this simple SAHM to do His work. I have been feeling like a usless lump of humanity, trapped as a teacher and a mom (I know this is what God asked of me, butI always thought I'd have a more....flashy calling). Now I know God can use me for more than just schooling and parenting, He can bring my ministry to me, I just have to be open to His will. I'm not saying I feel that my life isn't important, just not very outreachy.. ya know? Sort of like a pastor of a small church wanting a big church and realizing he does more good where he is.

 

Wow, God is good. If any of you are feeling as I did, chin up and realize you are useful, just be useable and know you are important.

 

Lara

 

That is wonderful news, Lara:001_smile:

[kchara]

That is so wonderful!! Praise God!!

[littleWMN]

Wonderful update. :grouphug:

 

We had a 19 month old foster son once who we kept for a month before we had to move him. It was horrible and I felt lower than dirt. But we could not live like that anymore (and I only had one child at the time). His parents were meth users and he was severaly neglected, would rage, bite, throw himself out of his crib, head butt, didn't sleep, unbuckled himself from the carseat over and over and over, rip through packages of food with his teeth. It was awful. For him and for us. They moved him to another family but eventually he went back to his parents. :( Breaks my heart.