Deciding to require DS to respond "yes ma'am/sir"

[Tranquility7]

We have decided DS (5) needs to start answering us with "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Anyone else teach their kids to respond to them this way? I don't mean just to a random stranger, but actually to you and dh? How do you teach it? Just by prompting? We know *no one* who teaches their kids this (even though we live in the South!) but we think it will be a good change.

 

Any thoughts or insights on how to make this change happen would be much appreciated...

[ChristusG]

Maybe start off with a reward system of some sort so that he has motivation to remember. Maybe he gets a ticket for every time he says it. Then if he has x number of tickets, he can exchange it for something. And then once he seems to have the hang of it, slowly fade the ticket system out. It would take a lot for my kids to remember it if I hadn't taught it from the very beginning (which I haven't)....they work well for rewards LOL.

[arghmatey]

Not for everyone, but I say "Yes, ma'am" and "Yes, sir" to everyone, including children. Our children don't know any other way.

 

I went to a college where we referred to other student this way, and it completely changed the social atmosphere. I felt respected and titled. Funny to think about now, but it's very natural now.

[regentrude]

Maybe I'm the only one - but I positively HATE it when my kids say "yes Ma'am" to me. When I'm not Mom anymore, but "Ma'am", I can sense the defiance and anger behind the surface respect. No way I want to be addressed like this.

[amydavis]

I just always modeled the ma'ams and sirs, and the children followed my lead. I'm from the south, and was raised this way - so, it's really ingrained. When they slip up from time to time (and just answer with the yes/no), I simply say, "Excuse me?" and they reply with the ma'am. If I'm with them and notice they forget to attach the ma'am/sir when speaking to another adult, I'll just pop in and say, "That's yes ma'am." Then, they'll fix their response by saying it correctly. For the most part, they always remember.

So, I think if you state the new rule, and just make a point of catching the slip ups, and prompting the response you want - it won't take long.

[ereks mom]

We have decided DS (5) needs to start answering us with "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Anyone else teach their kids to respond to them this way? I don't mean just to a random stranger, but actually to you and dh? How do you teach it? Just by prompting? We know *no one* who teaches their kids this (even though we live in the South!) but we think it will be a good change.

 

Any thoughts or insights on how to make this change happen would be much appreciated...

 

We taught our kids to respond with "ma'am" and "sir"--practically everyone around here does (Deep South). We prompted them from the time they were little, and it became automatic.

[Plucky]

Are you in the south? I know on the west coast that isn't necessarily a good thing to teach your kids. Whenever I hear "ma'am" from someone it usually means "b^&*)" I don't like to be called ma'am.

[SquirrellyMama]

Maybe I'm the only one - but I positively HATE it when my kids say "yes Ma'am" to me. When I'm not Mom anymore, but "Ma'am", I can sense the defiance and anger behind the surface respect. No way I want to be addressed like this.

 

You aren't alone. I'm not fond of yes ma'am or yes sir either. It seems too formal for me and unemotional. I prefer yes mom and yes dad.

[knit247]

Not for everyone, but I say "Yes, ma'am" and "Yes, sir" to everyone, including children. Our children don't know any other way.

 

Same here. I was taught to say it - and still do to almost everyone! Although my parents didn't say ma'am and sir to my brother and me, I have always answered my DDs with ma'am and they just naturally say it. On occasion, they will forget & I'll gently remind them. That's it!

 

FWIW I was raised and lived in the south for all but 4 years of my life, and we'll probably go right back as soon as our time here in Germany is over.

[amydavis]

Are you in the south? I know on the west coast that isn't necessarily a good thing to teach your kids. Whenever I hear "ma'am" from someone it usually means "b^&*)" I don't like to be called ma'am.

 

It really does seem to be a regional thing. My friend from California cannot stand to be called ma'am. My son plays at her house often, and I have excused him from saying the ma'am to her. My friend from Michigan doesn't require it of her own children, but doesn't get upset if a child responds that way to her. Then, for dh and I (both raised in the south), hearing a child respond "yeah" or "yep," to an adult makes our ears bleed. :tongue_smilie: It just sounds so disrespectful...I can't even put it into words.

[Guest Life on the Ranch]

When I was first teaching them how to respond respectfully, I allowed them to put a marble in the jar if I "caught" them saying it, then they earned a prize when the jar was full. Now, I usually just correct my kids if they forget to respond with Yes, Ma'am or No, Ma'am, but I have been a little more lazy about it lately. I might need another reward system for awhile to kick in the habit once again!

[BakersDozen]

When they slip up from time to time (and just answer with the yes/no), I simply say, "Excuse me?" and they reply with the ma'am. If I'm with them and notice they forget to attach the ma'am/sir when speaking to another adult, I'll just pop in and say, "That's yes ma'am." Then, they'll fix their response by saying it correctly. For the most part, they always remember.

So, I think if you state the new rule, and just make a point of catching the slip ups, and prompting the response you want - it won't take long.

:iagree:

[MaMa2005]

I just always modeled the ma'ams and sirs, and the children followed my lead. I'm from the south, and was raised this way - so, it's really ingrained. When they slip up from time to time (and just answer with the yes/no), I simply say, "Excuse me?" and they reply with the ma'am. If I'm with them and notice they forget to attach the ma'am/sir when speaking to another adult, I'll just pop in and say, "That's yes ma'am." Then, they'll fix their response by saying it correctly. For the most part, they always remember.

So, I think if you state the new rule, and just make a point of catching the slip ups, and prompting the response you want - it won't take long.

 

:iagree:

 

We taught our kids to respond with "ma'am" and "sir"--practically everyone around here does (Deep South). We prompted them from the time they were little, and it became automatic.

 

Same here, It is automatic. DS's TKD studio also stresses it. The students must always respond with a yes ma'am or yes sir or lots of push ups and jumping jacks can result as a consequence for forgetting.

[kchara]

I've taught mine to. For a while, I might remind them. For example, if I require an answer from them, and they only say "yes" or "no," I'll reply, "Yes, ma'am?" And they'll answer in turn. After a while, they just picked it up. For the most part, now, they don't forget. They also use it for pretty much anyone else. Really, you just need to keep reminding them until it becomes habit.

[SquirrellyMama]

We taught our kids to respond with "ma'am" and "sir"--practically everyone around here does (Deep South). We prompted them from the time they were little, and it became automatic.

 

I hadn't thought about it being a southern thing. That would make a difference. You don't hear ma'am and sir much around here. People are polite but we very often don't use names or titles when speaking.

 

Kelly

[redsquirrel]

I always like it how my southern friends tell their kids to call me "miss (my first name)" . It sounds so sweet.

 

I guess you would faint if you knew that my kids call me by my first name, lol.

 

And if you want your kids to call you m'am then don't respond until they do.

[SquirrellyMama]

 

Same here, It is automatic. DS's TKD studio also stresses it. The students must always respond with a yes ma'am or yes sir or lots of push ups and jumping jacks can result as a consequence for forgetting.

 

Our kids TKD school wants us to have the kids do this around the house. I really wish they could just say "yes mom" and "yes dad". I really dislike ma'am and sir for use with parents.

[redsquirrel]

Our kids TKD school wants us to have the kids do this around the house. I really wish they could just say "yes mom" and "yes dad". I really dislike ma'am and sir for use with parents.

 

Same with our TKD school but they would never ask us to do it at home as well. That would not go over well in this town, lol.

[knit247]

Then, for dh and I (both raised in the south), hearing a child respond "yeah" or "yep," to an adult makes our ears bleed. :tongue_smilie: It just sounds so disrespectful...I can't even put it into words.

:iagree: I can not stand it, either. It really does sound disrespectful to me. So interesting what is customary in different parts of the country!

[SquirrellyMama]

So interesting what is customary in different parts of the country!

 

I also find it interesting. I've learned that what is rude to me isn't rude to someone else.

[musicianmom]

I can't bring myself to require it from my kids, because I never would say it to my parents. Even as a preschooler, I thought it sounded so stiff and formal to say "ma'am" and "sir" to my own parents. I will correct "yeah" or "yep", though. "Yes Mommy" is sufficient.

 

Also, as a music teacher, it is annoying when I'm trying to teach a child's lesson and the parent keeps interrupting with reminders to say "yes ma'am."

[coffeegal]

It really does seem to be a regional thing. My friend from California cannot stand to be called ma'am. My son plays at her house often, and I have excused him from saying the ma'am to her. My friend from Michigan doesn't require it of her own children, but doesn't get upset if a child responds that way to her. Then, for dh and I (both raised in the south), hearing a child respond "yeah" or "yep," to an adult makes our ears bleed. :tongue_smilie: It just sounds so disrespectful...I can't even put it into words.

 

:iagree: Dh and I grew up out of the south, but were bred and born there, and spent part of our childhood in the deep south. Our parents required the 'Yes, Ma'am and Yes, Sir' from us. :001_smile: Actually Mom had a saying:

 

'Yea is not a word, yes is not a sentence.

It is yes, ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir,

Anything else is unacceptable.'

 

We require the children to respond with 'Yes, ma'am' or Yes, Mom'. It's simply part of our family culture. :001_smile:

[NanceXToo]

We don't, and it definitely seems too stiff and formal to me, as someone else said; but if I wanted to, I would go about it by just repeating it to him patiently every single time.

 

Example:

 

Mother: Would you like a drink?

Son: Yes.

Mother, prompting: Yes, Ma'am.

Son: Yes, Ma'am.

Mother: Here's your drink.

 

After a while I might switch to "yes what?"

 

I'd be pretty patient though with a 5 y/o.

[Tranquility7]

Wow, thanks for all the wonderful response.

 

Yes, we are in the south, although strangely enough we don't know ANYONE who says ma'am and sir, even among the kids at our church.

 

I love the incentive ideas... that might works great with DS!! And I think it will be easier for DD, since she will grow up hearing DS already saying it. But for DS, he hasn't ever heard anyone say it, so it is quite a change for him to learn.

 

... Then, for dh and I (both raised in the south), hearing a child respond "yeah" or "yep," to an adult makes our ears bleed. :tongue_smilie: It just sounds so disrespectful...I can't even put it into words.

 

YES! This is exactly what is getting to me. DS just sounds so disrespectful when he is talking to adults (I'm especially aware of it when he is talking to his grandparents, but really I notice it with any adults).

 

As for those who find it offensive, I completely understand that. But I also am just assuming the best of anyone who encounters our DS, trusting that they will recognize that it his sign of respect for them (even if they don't like it), and will endure the unintended offense graciously.

[Shellydon]

We have decided DS (5) needs to start answering us with "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Anyone else teach their kids to respond to them this way? I don't mean just to a random stranger, but actually to you and dh? How do you teach it? Just by prompting? We know *no one* who teaches their kids this (even though we live in the South!) but we think it will be a good change.

 

Any thoughts or insights on how to make this change happen would be much appreciated...

 

 

It strikes me as funny that I don't know anyone that *doesn't* teach their kids this.

 

Here is how it goes at our house.

 

Mom: "Cy......:

Cy: "Yes"

Mom "Yes Ma'am"

Cy : "Yes ma'am"

Mom: "Please empty the top rack of the dishwasher."

Cy: "ok"

Mom: "Yes ma'am"

 

You get the point :)

[SquirrellyMama]

Wow, thanks for all the wonderful response.

 

As for those who find it offensive, I completely understand that. But I also am just assuming the best of anyone who encounters our DS, trusting that they will recognize that it his sign of respect for them (even if they don't like it), and will endure the unintended offense graciously.

 

I wouldn't find it offensive if someone else's child said it to me. I'm not opposed to teaching my own children to say ma'am and sir to others, just not to me :)

[Haiku]

But I also am just assuming the best of anyone who encounters our DS, trusting that they will recognize that it his sign of respect for them (even if they don't like it), and will endure the unintended offense graciously.

 

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if your ds called me Ma'am, I would redirect him to call me by my name. I don't like to be called Ma'am by anyone, but especially not by children, and if it were someone I was in regular contact with, I would not "endure the unintended offense graciously," I would make it clear what I wish to be called. Don't be surprised if people don't cozy up to suddenly being called Ma'am and Sir. Some people might find it overly formal and unendearing.

 

I'm sorry you feel your son sounds disrespectful. He's five. Unless he's been raised to model disrespectful behavior, speech, and tone of voice, he probably just sounds like you do ... the way he's been raised hearing people speak.

 

Tara

[QueenCat]

Our kids TKD school wants us to have the kids do this around the house. I really wish they could just say "yes mom" and "yes dad". I really dislike ma'am and sir for use with parents.

 

You are your childrens parents, not the TKD school. If you want "yes mom" and "yes dad", then do it.

[SquirrellyMama]

You are your childrens parents, not the TKD school. If you want "yes mom" and "yes dad", then do it.

 

I know. I should have explained better.

 

This is a challenge to the kids and they get a special recognition for doing it. They have to say yes ma'am and yes sir to get it. That is why I've only done it a couple of times. I have them say yes mom and yes dad all the other times.

[Shellydon]

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if your ds called me Ma'am, I would redirect him to call me by my name. I don't like to be called Ma'am by anyone, but especially not by children, and if it were someone I was in regular contact with, I would not "endure the unintended offense graciously," I would make it clear what I wish to be called. Don't be surprised if people don't cozy up to suddenly being called Ma'am and Sir. Some people might find it overly formal and unendearing.

 

I'm sorry you feel your son sounds disrespectful. He's five. Unless he's been raised to model disrespectful behavior, speech, and tone of voice, he probably just sounds like you do ... the way he's been raised hearing people speak.

 

Tara

 

Interesting. I guess if I had an acquaintance or friend that felt this way, we'd no longer be acquaintances or friends.

 

Different strokes.

[RobinF]

It strikes me as funny that I don't know anyone that *doesn't* teach their kids this.

 

Here is how it goes at our house.

 

Mom: "Cy......:

Cy: "Yes"

Mom "Yes Ma'am"

Cy : "Yes ma'am"

Mom: "Please empty the top rack of the dishwasher."

Cy: "ok"

Mom: "Yes ma'am"

 

You get the point :)

 

This is how it works at our house too. I just think it sounds more respectful when kids say "yes, ma'am/sir" then "yes". Also it lessens the chance of "yeah" which I don't like at all. But then I use yes ma'am/sir when I am showing respect to someone and I wasn't raised to say it even though I grew up in the south.

[SonshineLearner]

We taught our son to say "yes ma'am and sir" by just modeling it. "Sweetie would you like a cookie? Yes ma'am or no ma'am...." Of course, refusal to say it would be disobedience. And, of course, we're weird cuz we have him call others by Mr, Mrs, Ms or Dr... (whatever the person's title) Some don't care for that, and I have a friend who is by her first name.... but with others, it's just the relationship I'm willing for my child to have with adults. Anything other than title and last or first name, is too intimate for my child and another adult.

[RoundAbout]

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if your ds called me Ma'am, I would redirect him to call me by my name. I don't like to be called Ma'am by anyone, but especially not by children, and if it were someone I was in regular contact with, I would not "endure the unintended offense graciously," I would make it clear what I wish to be called. Don't be surprised if people don't cozy up to suddenly being called Ma'am and Sir. Some people might find it overly formal and unendearing.

 

Growing up my mother always hated to be called Ma'am or even Mrs. C----, she insisted children call her by her first name. I would absolutely do the same and I would consider it quite rude if someone insisted on calling me by something I didn't like.

 

 

I'm sorry you feel your son sounds disrespectful. He's five. Unless he's been raised to model disrespectful behavior, speech, and tone of voice, he probably just sounds like you do ... the way he's been raised hearing people speak.

 

 

:iagree: I've rarely heard a 5 year-old sound rude and disrespectful in normal conversation. Most are friendly and polite even if they forget courtesy words sometimes. Teens and young adults are a different story, but mostly this has to do with a sullen lack of eye contact which is a huge pet peeve of mine.

[Haiku]

Interesting. I guess if I had an acquaintance or friend that felt this way, we'd no longer be acquaintances or friends.

 

 

You wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't want to be called Ma'am?

 

Different strokes, indeed.

 

I would never presume to decide for someone else what name they should use.

 

Tara

[creekmom]

We have decided DS (5) needs to start answering us with "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Anyone else teach their kids to respond to them this way? I don't mean just to a random stranger, but actually to you and dh? How do you teach it? Just by prompting? We know *no one* who teaches their kids this (even though we live in the South!) but we think it will be a good change.

 

Any thoughts or insights on how to make this change happen would be much appreciated...

 

Teaching our children to say yes ma'am and sir was one of the smartest things we ever did as parents!! It is well worth your time to train your children to show you respect this way. Any time we ask our children to do something, we expect a "yes sir/ma'am" response. It shows that they have heard our request and are going to obey us. If they forget, we simply remind them by saying, "Yes ma'am?". We made a game out of it when they were little by giving them lots of silly requests (run up the stairs as fast as you can!). They responded with "yes ma'am" and did it.

-One other thing that works really well is to reward your kids with a special treat whenever a stranger compliments their behavior in public. My kids caught on real fast that a simple "yes ma'am" was almost a sure bet for a compliment (your kids are so polite! :001_smile:).

[Shellydon]

You wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't want to be called Ma'am?

 

Different strokes, indeed.

 

I would never presume to decide for someone else what name they should use.

 

Tara

 

 

I am guessing ( I don't know for sure, of course) that someone that felt strongly against being called ma'am would not have very much in common with me all the way around. My children refer to adult by Mr./Mrs./Dr./Ms, Lastname as well, and as a family, we would be very uncomfortable around someone that insisted on children calling them by their first name.

 

Similarly, how would you feel if I insisted your children call me by my last name and answered yes/no ma'am?

[unsinkable]

Interesting. I guess if I had an acquaintance or friend that felt this way, we'd no longer be acquaintances or friends.

 

Different strokes.

 

You'd stop being friends with someone who didn't like being called ma'am? :confused:

 

I thought the point was being respectful but IMO, it isn't respectful to call someone something they don't like.

[MaMa2005]

-One other thing that works really well is to reward your kids with a special treat whenever a stranger compliments their behavior in public. My kids caught on real fast that a simple "yes ma'am" was almost a sure bet for a compliment (your kids are so polite! :001_smile:).

 

:iagree: DS ran into his aunt at Wally World yesterday and when she questioned him about some things, he replied with his usual yes and no ma'am. She even made the compliment about how nice his manners were. I do think so much of it is regional, but I know that DS would have an incredibly difficult time not saying the ma'ams and sirs to someone who found it disrespectful.

[Shellydon]

You'd stop being friends with someone who didn't like being called ma'am? :confused:

 

I thought the point was being respectful but IMO, it isn't respectful to call someone something they don't like.

 

 

As I just posted upthread, I am guessing that someone that didn't want to be called that would likely have such a different set of beliefs/life attitude whatever you want to call it, that we would probably not be attracted to each other enough to become friends in the first place.

 

 

ETA: If I had a dear friend that suddenly wanted to be called a different name I would have to figure out how to handle it.

Edited April 15, 2011 by Sheldon

[Haiku]

Similarly, how would you feel if I insisted your children call me by my last name and answered yes/no ma'am?

 

It's your name, and you get to choose it, so if you wanted to go by your last name, that's what you would get. If you asked my kids to respond with yes ma'am/no ma'am, well, if you want to be called ma'am, that's your choice. I wouldn't assume the values of another person based on what they wish to be called. I think that's a stretch.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

ma'ams and sirs to someone who found it disrespectful.

 

I don't think people see it as disrespectful, just not what they want to be called. I guess insisting your child do it after being asked not to would be disrespectful, but if I asked a child to call me by first name and they child continued to call me Ma'am, I'd see it as habit, not disrespect (unless I knew the parent was actively working against my wishes, in which case I would find it disrespectful ... on the part of the parent).

 

Tara

[unsinkable]

As I just posted upthread, I am guessing that someone that didn't want to be called that would likely have such a different set of beliefs/life attitude whatever you want to call it, that we would probably not be attracted to each other enough to become friends in the first place.

ETA: If I had a dear friend that suddenly wanted to be called a different name I would have to figure out how to handle it.

 

pqr, is that you?!?!? :lol:

 

Thanks for the explanation.

[TechWife]

We live in the south - we taught this by modeling. It's very common where I grew up & I never lost the habit - it's a good one!

[Plucky]

I don't think people see it as disrespectful, just not what they want to be called. I guess insisting your child do it after being asked not to would be disrespectful, but if I asked a child to call me by first name and they child continued to call me Ma'am, I'd see it as habit, not disrespect (unless I knew the parent was actively working against my wishes, in which case I would find it disrespectful ... on the part of the parent).

 

Tara

 

I wouldn't be offended if a child or someone called me ma'am. I was probably exaggerating a bit. I just know that I have had cashiers or customer service reps on the phone call me ma'am in a derogatory way.

 

I don't teach my kids to say ma'am. My kids say yeah and yep. I think that is fine. I can read tone pretty well. A disrespectful tone will get my kiddo some guidance. :D

[Tranquility7]

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but if your ds called me Ma'am, I would redirect him to call me by my name. I don't like to be called Ma'am by anyone, but especially not by children, and if it were someone I was in regular contact with, I would not "endure the unintended offense graciously," I would make it clear what I wish to be called. Don't be surprised if people don't cozy up to suddenly being called Ma'am and Sir. Some people might find it overly formal and unendearing.

 

I'm sorry you feel your son sounds disrespectful. He's five. Unless he's been raised to model disrespectful behavior, speech, and tone of voice, he probably just sounds like you do ... the way he's been raised hearing people speak.

 

Tara

 

Oh don’t worry, it definitely doesn’t rain on my parade :D

 

By “graciously†I meant that I assume an adult would not get annoyed and rude to my DS for addressing them in a way they don’t like, and that they would realize (by other things, like his demeanor, attitude, other words, etc.) that it was *meant* as a sign of respect, even if those words have a negative connotation to them personally. I didn’t mean that the adult would not request a different way to be addressed. I just assume they would do so graciously. Why wouldn’t they?

 

The general principle we are teaching DS in this particular area is to *respect adults*. Of course part of what we will teach him is that if an adult responds to his sign of respect with a correction, asking him to call them something else (Mrs. XYZ, Miss First Name, First Name, whatever), then obviously, that is what he should do. Out of respect for someone, call them what they wish to be called. But in most cases we have no idea what people wish to be called, and in those cases, we are requiring DS to address adults using ma’am and sir.

 

My assumption that people will be gracious is not because I think they always will be, but simply because I think they usually will be, and I can’t explain to DS every possible scenario in advance. I assume people will be kind to him when he shows respect for them in the way he knows how. That being said, we certainly also work at teaching DS how to respond graciously himself even if someone else is NOT. So if he didn’t do anything objectively wrong, and someone is offended and being rude to him about it, we would just prompt him to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,†with a kind smile. If the other person continues to be offended and rude about it, then that is their problem to deal with, not my DS’s (and that is what we would tell him).

[Shellydon]

pqr, is that you?!?!? :lol:

 

Thanks for the explanation.

 

 

??? I am not sure what pqr is.... what does it stand for?

[Plucky]

??? I am not sure what pqr is.... what does it stand for?

 

A wonderful, more conservative poster that visits here.

[teachmejoy]

I didn't have time to read everyone's responses, but it cracks me up how in different places it means different things! My kids are taught to say it to us and everyone else. We just give reminders, or do the "excuse me?" thing as well. My hubby is a BIG stickler for answering correctly. I think it does show respect and gives authority where it's due. We also model it. I will sometimes say yes sir, or yes mam to my ds and dd! :)

[Shellydon]

A wonderful, more conservative poster that visits here.

 

 

Oh, a who rather than a what. Gotcha!

 

Well, I am pretty conservative, though I know lots of folks that are even more so. :)

[Murphy101]

Not for everyone, but I say "Yes, ma'am" and "Yes, sir" to everyone, including children. Our children don't know any other way.

 

This is what we do as well.

 

Also, if someone not VERY close to our family asked my child to call them by their first name, we would correct them.

 

To us, first name basis implies a certain level of intimacy? Friendship? Not sure what word to use..

 

But if they aren't very close to our family, we would find it very weird for them to be called by first name and wonder why they were insisting on claiming a level of relationship with our child/family that isn't really there.:001_huh: