My homeschool "misfits"; feeling the pain of being different

[Ms. Riding Hood]

Ds1 went to college last year. While he has done well academically, he has complained of being socially "backward". This year ds2 (h.s. jr.) is going through a similar process, feeling that he doesn't fit in with his peers.

 

This has really bothered me, from the perspective that I don't want homeschool to be responsible for my kids feeling like total wierdos. The funny thing is, these kids are well-liked, good-looking, extremely athletic. They are not "backward" by any standard that I have. It's all internal. And some of the things are biggies (everyone else having s*x) while some of the things are small (I'm the only one who reads books). But they all add up to this overall feeling of not being one of the crowd.

 

After mulling it over a lot, I finally (duh) came to the conclusion that it isn't about homeschool. It's really about our values as a family. We don't live in the culture. Our kids are raised apart from the culture that their peers are immersed in. Not totally apart from it, but apart in (apparently) significant ways. So why should it come as a surprise that they feel different? I don't know, but it does. It isn't that I, or even they, want to be part of a mindless crowd. But I guess they don't feel that they have anyone that they really identify or connect with on a deep level. So there is a real sense of loneliness--not just the physical state being isolated or alone, but in being alone in their intellectual and spiritual lives--which relates in many ways to being alone in social life as well.

 

Just wondering if any of you have experienced this with your kiddos. I'm not looking for answers, because this is the path we are choosing for ourselves. I guess I'm just wanting to hear that other people have gone through this and their kids have managed to find happiness on the other side. :grouphug:

 

 

Edit: Just wanted to add that I am a Christian, and I know the Bible speaks very pointedly on this subject. Ultimately, Christ is not only our strength, but the very reason we do what we do! If no human person responded to this thread, I would keep on keeping on. But I, like my kids, like to know there are others out there like me, struggling with the same things and holding to the same ideals. : )

Edited April 12, 2011 by Ms. Riding Hood

[Osmosis Mom]

Yep.

 

Am reading Bringing up Geeks right now and it is lovely to read about other people raising their kids like we try to -especially since they are NOT homeschoolers.

[moira]

Hello,

 

My son often feels that way as well. Like your children, he is well liked and easily makes friends but for similar reasons he is not exactly one of the guys. This is really frustrating for me because it seems to be that being one of the guys means being less of everything I value...less kind, less willing to listen to others, less acadmically interested and motivated, less curious, less aritculate, less self sufficient, less responsible, less mature etc. He is either surrounded by children who are so religious and judgemental that he is considered an outsider because his religious views are not the same. Others have no spiritual life or at least none that connects to their behavior and choices. I certainly share in the frustration of his feeling on the fringe of his social circle. I am hoping that when he graduates our homeschool and goes to college he will find it easier to find acadmically interested friends who are open to varying degrees and types of spiritual beliefs. Your post makes me think that this situation may continue in college. Perhaps being an insider is over rated? My son is happy nonetheless and does have some good friends and I am very grateful for them. The prevailing culture of anti- intellectual, narricistic young adults consumed by peer judgements may not be a place he needs to feel such a part of anyway....hmmmm? Still, I can't help but hopes he finds a school where he feels he fits in and truly feels a part of.

[Julie in MN]

I haven't sent one of my homeschooling kids to college yet, but what you say rings true with my own experience in college. I didn't like high school, graduated early, and didn't want to continue with a high school feeling in college.

 

What I did was go to a really huge campus where there were lots of grad students and other students who didn't fit into a high school mold. I didn't stay in a dorm or apply to a sorority (other than Phi Beta Kappa). I hung out in areas of the campus where those kids didn't hang out.

 

Sometimes I had problems because I didn't know the TV shows that kids were referring to in their jokes or couldn't relate to some examples in a class. But inside, I didn't feel they were better than me because of that. In fact, one year some friends got together to "introduce" me to the Saturday Night Live TV show so I could understand all the Steve Martin impersonations that were going on at the time :) I guess I had the blessing of not wanting to fit in, so that helped. All that is to say that even ps kids can feel outside of the crowd.

 

Julie

Edited April 12, 2011 by Julie in MN

[Stacy in NJ]

I think that feeling of isolation is common not only for homeschooled kids but for all kids (and people) in general. It's a condition of our modern culture. So many of my son's public schooled friends have expressed similar feelings of being outside and looking in while at the same time being part of the larger group. In a culture that emphasizes the individual, we're all bound to feel a bit "outside" at times.

 

I wish there was a solution, but until they're able to really control their environment as adults, it seems unlikely that this can be resolved easily.

Edited April 12, 2011 by Stacy in NJ

[KristineinKS]

Your post hit a nerve this morning because I just had this conversation with my eldest last night. He's in 8th grade this year and was homeschooled for 6th and 7th grade only but is going through the same thing that you mentioned. He is well-liked at school, but doesn't have any close friends because he said that after 2 years of homeschooling, he doesn't really know how to relate and talk to the kids at school. He has a reputation for being that kid who never talks (in fact, one of his teachers thought something was wrong with him and I had to convince her that no, he's just a bit overwhelmed and feels out of place). In some ways this a blessing (for me) because he's at a miserable school where a lot of his former friends are using drugs, selling drugs, getting in fights, going to jail, etc. - so in that sense, I'm GLAD he can't relate to them. Nevertheless, I also feel bad for him because he feels so awkward around his peers now and is quite lonely/unhappy.

 

I really don't have any words of wisdom, but I'll be reading the other posts here with great interest!

[FloridaLisa]

Well, my kids haven't voiced this but I'm sure they have felt it, depending on the group. Dd came home with some good stories from dual-enrolling this year. :tongue_smilie:

 

Just yesterday, though, we were reading through a chapter of Proverbs. We began to discuss how we will feel different when we are mixing with a group that isn't following after Christ. In fact, if we don't feel different at all, and we blend in perfectly, it's a good indication that we may not be living like Christ.

 

I remember feeling a bit like this when working. I got along with everyone and had some good friends at work. But I always guarded what I said, which I do not have to do when I'm with a group of believers.

 

And the truth is: I'm glad they haven't had the shared experiences of most of today's youth. I'm glad they don't know many of the vulgar references and shaded meanings. I'm glad they like to read and are comfortable in their own skin, without having to conform. But, yes, there is some disconnect that comes with that.

 

Lisa

[4wildberrys]

Hello,

 

My son often feels that way as well. Like your children, he is well liked and easily makes friends but for similar reasons he is not exactly one of the guys. This is really frustrating for me because it seems to be that being one of the guys means being less of everything I value...less kind, less willing to listen to others, less acadmically interested and motivated, less curious, less aritculate, less self sufficient, less responsible, less mature etc. He is either surrounded by children who are so religious and judgemental that he is considered an outsider because his religious views are not the same. Others have no spiritual life or at least none that connects to their behavior and choices. I certainly share in the frustration of his feeling on the fringe of his social circle. I am hoping that when he graduates our homeschool and goes to college he will find it easier to find acadmically interested friends who are open to varying degrees and types of spiritual beliefs. Your post makes me think that this situation may continue in college. Perhaps being an insider is over rated? My son is happy nonetheless and does have some good friends and I am very grateful for them. The prevailing culture of anti- intellectual, narricistic young adults consumed by peer judgements may not be a place he needs to feel such a part of anyway....hmmmm? Still, I can't help but hopes he finds a school where he feels he fits in and truly feels a part of.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Just thinking about this topic lately myself----and ironically my son's youth group/confirmation class last night is what brought out these feelings very strongly last night! It's hard not being a part of the group and feeling like an outsider----but I really don't want our son to take on the values of our current culture :001_huh: DD is a senior this year---and truly has NO social group. At all. But fitting in to any social group in this town is a scary, scary prospect.

[Tarreymere]

I went to public school from K to 12th and I also felt awkward socially because I did not have any interest in popular music or tv shows, I preferred to read books, I was not into chasing boys or partying. My mom was quite disappointed in me, I think if she did catch me drinking or having sex she would have celebrated! So, I agree that it is not homeschooling that creates that social awkwardness, it is the interests and values of the person who is different from the 'norm'. Since the norm is apparently about stupid tv shows, recreational drug use and casual sex, who in their right mind would want to be 'normal'?

[OLG]

We've been talking about this too, with our ds and I agree 100% that it is a cultural thing. If kids can truly find an inner strength and enjoy their own company, I think it helps. Bet our kids 'see' the shallowness of the lifestyles that exclude them, don't you think? I know it doesn't take away the hurt feelings but 'fitting in' isn't a goal to aspire to, imho. Plus, as we age, it is the non-conformers that I find much more interesting!!! You are not alone.

[ilovemy4kids]

After mulling it over a lot, I finally (duh) came to the conclusion that it isn't about homeschool. It's really about our values as a family. We don't live in the culture. Our kids are raised apart from the culture that their peers are immersed in. Not totally apart from it, but apart in (apparently) significant ways. )

 

:iagree:

 

Don't have any in college yet so I can't help there.... but we have experienced similar feelings when among our extended family at holiday gatherings and reunions.... It's akward being the only "different" ones. Makes my kids the butt of many jokes.... Mind you these are kids who facebook, email, have cell phones (okay they are 15 and 13 but I don't like them to be somewhere away from me without a phone!), go to concerts, play sports, socailize with friends, etc.. they are not weird, just have Chrisitian values.... don't swear, don't have sex, don't date, etc.... so it makes the "weird".

[StephanieZ]

My kids are just hitting the teen years, so this issue is just arising a bit. I think that for college, I am leaning towards paying the extra (lots) $$ to send them to more elite colleges instead of the local state uni (which would likely be free) just so they can at least have peers who are academically similarly talented. That would eliminate the 'don't read books' issues. . . For now, I deal with that issue by handpicking friends who have similar academic drive -- there aren't many kids that way, but there are a handful. I work very hard to nurture those relationships (organizing book clubs, hosting playdates, leading mini cooperative academic gatherings with handpicked families).

 

So far as the social differences, I have brought my kids up expecting to be different. We've always been different. :) As they hit teen years, I know this will become even more of an issue, at least for some of the kids if not all. My kids get along very well, and so far this hasn't been an issue, but I can certainly imagine it becoming one. To some degree, I think ALL kids that age range feel isolated and different. That's what 'teen angst' is all about. So, maybe we'd face these issues NO MATTER how we had raised them? Other than that, I make sure to foster healthy friendships & social lives. . . and to provide each child with lots of opportunities to succeed in important ways (thus nurture healthy self esteem) and I hope for the best.

[Ms. Riding Hood]

Since the norm is apparently about stupid tv shows, recreational drug use and casual sex, who in their right mind would want to be 'normal'?

 

quote I love: It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

[G5052]

My kids did great with neighborhood friends until early puberty when the fact that they loved nature and weren't media-oriented became a sore point. It was ugly, and we intervened at one point as parents and it has pretty much faded from view as we've focused the attention on friends elsewhere.

 

We've experienced it this year because a block of kids came from a Christian school into a homeschool co-op situation, and they made fun of the homeschooled kids when the adults weren't around and haven't made any effort to include others. I've used it as a lesson again on how not to act. Some of the ringleaders won't be around next year, so I'm hoping that it will even out.

 

I personally wouldn't send a kid to college unless I had some comfort level that there will be peers there, but at this point finances may require commuting from home anyway.

[WTMCassandra]

I've got two budding homeschool misfits here, too. I agree with what the other posters have said about considering colleges where intellectual goals are valued.

 

In addition, I'd like to throw in the idea of avoiding "all or nothing thinking" about fitting in. Try finding places where you fit in in one respect. And let that be enough. A constellation of those, hitting many of your interests, will leave you feeling pretty happy overall.

 

I have learned this long and painfully over many years. I'm either the most conservative or most liberal person in just about any setting. Sigh. I have one place where people (mostly) share my spiritual goals. Here is where people share my intellectual goals. Some homeschool speakers share my parenting goals. Sometimes I "fit in" with certain authors, so some books count for me as part of my community. We are heavily involved in a rocket club that caters to that interest with people we like but would not hang around with normally. We enjoy a handbell group with people who share that interest that are definitely not our same religious persuasion. And on. So we fit in different ways in different places. We don't fit in really anywhere all at once, but I'm teaching my children that it's okay.

[Ms. Riding Hood]

I think that for college, I am leaning towards paying the extra (lots) $$ to send them to more elite colleges instead of the local state uni (which would likely be free) just so they can at least have peers who are academically similarly talented.

 

 

Ds is there. No lack of parties/women/drugs. Interesting intellectual use of time includes dorm full of grafitti depicting chemical composition of cocaine.

 

Not to say it's a bad idea that you have, but don't naively assume (as I did) that "smart kids" will be "nice kids". :glare:

[MommyThrice]

I'm either the most conservative or most liberal person in just about any setting. Sigh.

Oh, that is so true! We are fairly conservative Christians, but we also play bluegrass music. Sometimes, even I am surprised at who we call friends in the music world. We just choose not to discuss politics or religion in those settings. We never compromise our faith - most everyone knows where we stand - we just agree to disagree.

 

Unfortunately, that is more difficult for younger people. They have a knack for pecking at anyone that is different. They really need friends that share their values. We get that at debate club. We don't get that, I'm sorry to say, at church. I do think they have learned valuable lessons by hanging out in the music world with their parents (versus dropped off at a secular univ) about how to get along with people that don't share their values, without compromising.

[Josie]

We don't have any in college, but oiur teen feels this way. We have many conversations about her feelings. I just pray she finds peace with herself and doesn't get caught up in trying to fit in. We know teens who worked hard to fit in and got in a lot of trouble. :sad:

[jamajo]

So we fit in different ways in different places. We don't fit in really anywhere all at once, but I'm teaching my children that it's okay.

 

:iagree:

 

I have a rising 9th grade grader who I've had to have a few heart to heart discussions with on fitting in and/or feeling different - even with the people we go to church with. But I constantly tell her that this is life. I have these same struggles as an adult. I am grateful just to have one really great friend even though I know lots of people but it isn't a whole package deal. Some people you can go to homeschool events with and others are the people you invite over for superbowl parties, etc. etc.

 

One thing that I think is important is not to give off the energy of "I feel so bad for you" but to come along side these children and say "I know how you feel" and this is not unique to you but everyone feels this way whether it appears that way or not. They shouldn't feel like there is something wrong with them.

[Ms. Riding Hood]

One thing that I think is important is not to give off the energy of "I feel so bad for you" but to come along side these children and say "I know how you feel" and this is not unique to you but everyone feels this way whether it appears that way or not.

 

Excellent point. I like the distinction between "feel bad for you" and "know how you feel."

[EKS]

After mulling it over a lot, I finally (duh) came to the conclusion that it isn't about homeschool. It's really about our values as a family. We don't live in the culture. Our kids are raised apart from the culture that their peers are immersed in.

 

Right--because the obvious solution would be to stop reading and start having s@x!

Edited April 12, 2011 by EKS

[MomsintheGarden]

Chiming in here with knowing how you homeschool moms feel!

 

Ds went to a fairly competitive secular school after being totally homeschooled. He was very blessed to find a great group of mostly-Christian friends (we are Christian) and has stuck with them through his three years there. He did say that it was an adjustment, though. He didn't know about popular music, tv shows, or curse words/jokes. He said that most of his peers were nice about it and treated him like a foreign exchange student (from homeschool land).

 

We didn't think that environment would work out for his sister, so she went to a very non-competitive Christian school. It has been a great fit for her. Even though the overall school is not academically competitive, the honors program and her department are. She's managed to find a bunch of very studious, smart friends, and many other friends who enrich her life in other ways. It was a huge adjustment, though, because she dearly loves being with her family, and misses us a lot. She is glad for the extra rules (dress code, behavior, etc.) of the uni. I really can't imagine that she would be comfortable in a secular school because of her personality.

 

For both we've prayed a lot!

 

GardenMom

[Matryoshka]

Ds is there. No lack of parties/women/drugs. Interesting intellectual use of time includes dorm full of grafitti depicting chemical composition of cocaine.

 

I was one of those misfits who liked to read, didn't drink/do drugs/have s*x/party, and I went to a big state uni with a rep as a party school. (and I wasn't even religious, so that wasn't a place to fit in either). I agree with the others that it has more to do with personal values than homeschooling or even religion (I know lots of kids brought up with religion that went a bit wild during those years).

 

I mostly avoided all that drama by living on an honors/academic floor and being in the school's honors program. Yes, there were things going on, but much less, and I had a bit of a niche.

[djkapp]

Just some random thoughts on the topic---

 

My children often tell me "Face it, Mom. We are geeks!" It truly doesn't seem to bother them. In fact, they are actually somewhat proud of it. Like so many of the other posters, none of my children still at home have an active social group. They enjoy being with the family.

 

My oldest is a college freshman this year and has found a group of like-minded young people with whom she has really connected -- not surprisingly, several of them were also home-schooled. She's not involved in the widespread campus social life, but she is having a great time, interacting with many fine people, taking initiative in leadership, and doing extremely well in her studies. She couldn't feel better about her college experience so far. Definitely not suffering from the relative isolation of her homeschooled high school years

 

I can't enumerate the number of times I hear comments from adults on my children -- how courteous, well-behaved, well-spoken, responsible they are. I can't help but feel that this is what will win out in the long run. We do spend most of our years as adults, and I'm not sure that being one of the "in" crowd during the teenage years is a prerequisite for healthy, rewarding and fulfilling adult relationships. The closer we move to having adult children, the more thankful I am that we have made the choices to parent and educate the way we have.

[WTMCassandra]

I can't enumerate the number of times I hear comments from adults on my children -- how courteous, well-behaved, well-spoken, responsible they are. I can't help but feel that this is what will win out in the long run. We do spend most of our years as adults, and I'm not sure that being one of the "in" crowd during the teenage years is a prerequisite for healthy, rewarding and fulfilling adult relationships. The closer we move to having adult children, the more thankful I am that we have made the choices to parent and educate the way we have.

 

:iagree:

 

I am not as far along that path as you are, but I pray and hope I am on the same path!

[Brenda in MA]

This has really bothered me, from the perspective that I don't want homeschool to be responsible for my kids feeling like total wierdos. The funny thing is, these kids are well-liked, good-looking, extremely athletic. They are not "backward" by any standard that I have. It's all internal. And some of the things are biggies (everyone else having s*x) while some of the things are small (I'm the only one who reads books). But they all add up to this overall feeling of not being one of the crowd.

 

After mulling it over a lot, I finally (duh) came to the conclusion that it isn't about homeschool. It's really about our values as a family. We don't live in the culture. Our kids are raised apart from the culture that their peers are immersed in. Not totally apart from it, but apart in (apparently) significant ways. So why should it come as a surprise that they feel different? I don't know, but it does. It isn't that I, or even they, want to be part of a mindless crowd. But I guess they don't feel that they have anyone that they really identify or connect with on a deep level. So there is a real sense of loneliness--not just the physical state being isolated or alone, but in being alone in their intellectual and spiritual lives--which relates in many ways to being alone in social life as well.

 

My son (soph in college) has definitely experienced this feeling as well. I remember him telling me in his first year that other kids were teasing him because he was pretty ignorant of popular culture. It is really tough having your kid express this too. There's a definite ache there. I sense a real conflict going on inside of them. They want to fit in so badly, but their conscience tells them that the "cost" of indulging in all that popular culture purports is not worth it. They just feel trapped in a foreign culture in a way and can feel very lonely.

 

Others have no spiritual life or at least none that connects to their behavior and choices. I certainly share in the frustration of his feeling on the fringe of his social circle. I am hoping that when he graduates our homeschool and goes to college he will find it easier to find academically interested friends who are open to varying degrees and types of spiritual beliefs. Your post makes me think that this situation may continue in college.

 

 

I was hoping the same thing for my son. He's definitely at a place with intellectual peers, but as Lynne mentioned, that doesn't mean that they will be socially nice peers.

 

Usually students active in extracurriculars find others with values they share in college.

 

My college son has not found this to be true at all. Just because kids share the same interest in computers, sports, theater, etc. doesn't mean that they will be nice and will share the same values.

 

 

We've been talking about this too, with our ds and I agree 100% that it is a cultural thing. If kids can truly find an inner strength and enjoy their own company, I think it helps. Bet our kids 'see' the shallowness of the lifestyles that exclude them, don't you think? I know it doesn't take away the hurt feelings but 'fitting in' isn't a goal to aspire to, imho. Plus, as we age, it is the non-conformers that I find much more interesting!!! You are not alone.

 

I agree with these comments, too. I have been encouraging my son to hang out with the few friends he's found who share his values, and then try to enjoy his time alone. As he is getting older, I think he's becoming more comfortable just doing what he enjoys -- like bird watching -- even if that's not what the "in" kids do in their spare time.

 

My kids are just hitting the teen years, so this issue is just arising a bit. I think that for college, I am leaning towards paying the extra (lots) $$ to send them to more elite colleges instead of the local state uni (which would likely be free) just so they can at least have peers who are academically similarly talented. That would eliminate the 'don't read books' issues. . .

 

Be careful in assuming that if a college is expensive or elite that it will be filled with kids who like to "read books", etc. I found this book: "I'm the Teacher, You're the Student" by Patrick Allitt very enlightening. He takes the reader through a semester in a modern college classroom at a selective university.

 

Ds went to a fairly competitive secular school after being totally homeschooled. He did say that it was an adjustment, though. He didn't know about popular music, tv shows, or curse words/jokes.

 

We didn't think that environment would work out for his sister, so she went to a very non-competitive Christian school. It has been a great fit for her. Even though the overall school is not academically competitive, the honors program and her department are. She's managed to find a bunch of very studious, smart friends, and many other friends who enrich her life in other ways. It was a huge adjustment, though, because she dearly loves being with her family, and misses us a lot. She is glad for the extra rules (dress code, behavior, etc.) of the uni. I really can't imagine that she would be comfortable in a secular school because of her personality.

 

This is what I am leaning towards for my next son. Knowing his personality, he will need a group of peers who share his values, so he will likely go to a school that isn't as well-known, but it will be one that is more likely to have kids he will be socially comfortable with.

 

Lynne -- thanks for bringing up this issue. I definitely feel weighed down by it from time to time, and it's nice to know we're not alone.

 

Brenda

[Mommyfaithe]

Ds1 went to college last year. While he has done well academically, he has complained of being socially "backward". This year ds2 (h.s. jr.) is going through a similar process, feeling that he doesn't fit in with his peers.

 

This has really bothered me, from the perspective that I don't want homeschool to be responsible for my kids feeling like total wierdos. The funny thing is, these kids are well-liked, good-looking, extremely athletic. They are not "backward" by any standard that I have. It's all internal. And some of the things are biggies (everyone else having s*x) while some of the things are small (I'm the only one who reads books). But they all add up to this overall feeling of not being one of the crowd.

 

After mulling it over a lot, I finally (duh) came to the conclusion that it isn't about homeschool. It's really about our values as a family. We don't live in the culture. Our kids are raised apart from the culture that their peers are immersed in. Not totally apart from it, but apart in (apparently) significant ways. So why should it come as a surprise that they feel different? I don't know, but it does. It isn't that I, or even they, want to be part of a mindless crowd. But I guess they don't feel that they have anyone that they really identify or connect with on a deep level. So there is a real sense of loneliness--not just the physical state being isolated or alone, but in being alone in their intellectual and spiritual lives--which relates in many ways to being alone in social life as well.

 

Just wondering if any of you have experienced this with your kiddos. I'm not looking for answers, because this is the path we are choosing for ourselves. I guess I'm just wanting to hear that other people have gone through this and their kids have managed to find happiness on the other side. :grouphug:

 

 

Edit: Just wanted to add that I am a Christian, and I know the Bible speaks very pointedly on this subject. Ultimately, Christ is not only our strength, but the very reason we do what we do! If no human person responded to this thread, I would keep on keeping on. But I, like my kids, like to know there are others out there like me, struggling with the same things and holding to the same ideals. : )

 

I went to Public School most of my life...and felt the same way...not just in college, but all through my growing up...

 

I really don't think homeschool is responsible...and thank God your kids don't fit in with the drinking, drugging, sexing crowd. Wasn't that some of the point in homeschooling? Really, I think those college years are tough for nice kids...sigh....

 

Just as an after-thought...I am still kinda like that...like last year at the rec. pool some of the women got drunk and decided to pole dance on the volley ball court....I just don't fit in with that group.:tongue_smilie:

[Gwen in VA]

My dd has type 1 diabetes. There was a fund-raiser for diabetes where the girl speaker, in tears, talked about how she desperately wanted to be "normal." That talk made me so uncomfortable.......

 

So I came home and asked my diabetic dd (without giving her any background) if she considered herself "normal." She looked at me without blinking an eye and said, "Of course not! 1) I'm a member of this family. 2) I'm homeschooled. 3) I play the organ and the fife. So OF COURSE I'm not normal!"

 

I loved that answer! :) (She didn't even mention her diabetes in the answer! :D)

 

Yes, my older kids have found a few somewhat like-minded individuals at college, but precious few. In their junior and senior years they have found a few more -- I think students worry less about fitting in as they establish themselves on campus.

[Ms. Riding Hood]

I've appreciated all your responses. Maybe the main thing I can take away from them is the universality of that feeling of loneliness or of being an outsider. Of course I knew that all along, but I suppose it's easy to get caught up in your own small perspective. I think that's part of the trouble with ds1. He doesn't see the wider picture. One example: he never dated in h.s. So in college he had a relationship and it eventually ended. He feels that his lack of experience (meaning experience w/girl/boy relationships) was a factor; he "didn't understand her". I tried to explain that this is a problem as old as the world itself!!:lol: But he only sees it from his limited point of view. I think it's the same with the overall feeling of being a "misfit". When you are in the middle of the vortex, you can't always see clearly or rationally.

 

My other ds said, "I know I'm different; I take a certain amount of pride in that fact!" I asked if he had the choice to go to p.s. if he thought that would make a difference. He said no; he wouldn't choose to go there if he could. However, he does believe that homeschool creates enough physical separation to affect his social life, in the sense of "out of sight, out of mind".

 

My kids have friends, they are socially active, they love their family very much and love to spend time with us. They aren't pining away in a closet. But their friendships are superficial, and for different reasons they have both been unpleasantly confronted with that lately...and deep down it hurts.

 

I thank you for all you've shared!

[mcconnellboys]

I knew when my older son wanted to go back to high school that he wasn't going to be happy there. I chose the best fit we had around here for him and he was okay there, but not thrilled. I tried to point him in the direction of smaller colleges that I knew were more academically oriented and at least a little bit conservative so that he'd get to be around other kids who were more like him. He did choose one of those types of schools and he is happy there (and as an added plus, those he hangs out with are a good influence on him, too).

 

As the article that someone just posted a few days ago implies, homeschooled kids are not "socialized" to be worker ants. They are independent souls and in a more perfect world would find plenty of others just like themselves wherever they went. Unfortunately, our school system tends to turn out automatons.

 

The article just posted yesterday, perhaps, about the Generation Z enterpreneurial kids has me hoping that it won't be long until Generation X and Y kids have some good company to keep them from being too lonely....

[Rosie_0801]

I went to public school from K to 12th and I also felt awkward socially because I did not have any interest in popular music or tv shows, I preferred to read books, I was not into chasing boys or partying. So, I agree that it is not homeschooling that creates that social awkwardness, it is the interests and values of the person who is different from the 'norm'. Since the norm is apparently about stupid tv shows, recreational drug use and casual sex, who in their right mind would want to be 'normal'?

 

Lol, it sounds a lot like our place growing up. My parents brought me up to be a good girl, then blamed me when I turned out that way! The teenage years were not enjoyable, but hey, I moved out of home just before I turned 20, grew up, worked, travelled a bit around the country, went to college where I met people who studied, met a male geek despite being more or less afraid of males in general and we are now raising another generation of them, in the company of role players, homeschoolers and medieval re-enactors. There are usually people who we are compatible with out there, it's just a matter of finding them.

 

Rosie

[Sevilla]

He said that most of his peers were nice about it and treated him like a foreign exchange student (from homeschool land).

I was pondering this thread last night and I think that one place to look for likeminded friends would be among MK's and/or among foreign exchange students because they won't have the base of popular culture either and will encounter many of the same issues of trying to figure out how it all works.

[MBM]

All of my kids have felt that way at times -- sometimes long times, and we did not homeschool. They are not interested in doing something just because everybody else is doing it which is fine by me! :)

 

Eventually, they found their group of friends.

 

Usually students active in extracurriculars find others with values they share in college.

 

It is hard in a diverse high school that doesn't value academics and has few extracurriculars. One good friend is about all my expectation is from the social scene that includes parents promoting underage partying...basically we learned really quickly who parents like we do and those comprise the friend pool.

 

Yep. My kids' friends tend to be others who share the same interests and come from homes with similar values. They are friendly with others, but not close friends. That's good enough.

 

...don't naively assume (as I did) that "smart kids" will be "nice kids". :glare:

 

Exactly. The first party I went to at Harvard (Adams House) was unbelievable. To this day, I still cannot believe what transpired. (I did not partake.) Not that everyone is participating in those kinds of parties, but you'll find them at many schools. U of Chicago has something called a Lascivious Ball. This used to be quite lewd years ago. Not sure if it still is.

 

[Mandy in TN]

I've got two budding homeschool misfits here, too. I agree with what the other posters have said about considering colleges where intellectual goals are valued.

 

We don't fit in really anywhere all at once, but I'm teaching my children that it's okay.

My oldest is a freshman at Berea and he is having a blast. Sure, even though it is a dry college in a dry county, there are partiers. Ds has made it clear enough that this behavior doesn't interest him that he has on more than one occassion been called by young ladies to come and retrieve them from parties where all of a sudden they realized that they weren't comfortable with the behaviors.

 

Ds is there. No lack of parties/women/drugs. Interesting intellectual use of time includes dorm full of grafitti depicting chemical composition of cocaine.

 

Not to say it's a bad idea that you have, but don't naively assume (as I did) that "smart kids" will be "nice kids". :glare:

Due to the nature of youth, college campuses will all have plenty of reckless behaviors and liberalism thrown in with a sometimes unhealthy dose of our-generation-is-smarter-and-nothing-bad-will-happen-to-us idealism.

 

Any college is going to have this to an extent, but there are also plenty of young adults in college who live outside this behavior- plenty of oddballs who on Friday night will sit in the common areas and watch movies (princess bride, American musicals, animation), order pizzas, and make cookies.

 

Just some random thoughts on the topic---

 

My children often tell me "Face it, Mom. We are geeks!" It truly doesn't seem to bother them. In fact, they are actually somewhat proud of it. Like so many of the other posters, none of my children still at home have an active social group. They enjoy being with the family.

 

My oldest is a college freshman this year and has found a group of like-minded young people with whom she has really connected -- not surprisingly, several of them were also home-schooled. She's not involved in the widespread campus social life, but she is having a great time

My oldest is having a great time. He was raised in a Bible-belt homeshool community in a home with a Christian mom and a Muslim step-father who behaved much more like Tiger-parents than the local parents.

 

Anyway, just sharing that no matter how odd your family is or how different your children feel in high school, they may go away to college and find that there are a lot of other "different" people out there wanting to hang out.:D

 

Mandy

[Mandy in TN]

I was pondering this thread last night and I think that one place to look for likeminded friends would be among MK's and/or among foreign exchange students because they won't have the base of popular culture either and will encounter many of the same issues of trying to figure out how it all works.

My ds's roommate is from the Congo.:D

Mandy

[Tammyla]

Lynne,

 

I appreciate the thread and those who shared. :grouphug:

[Cheryl B in VA]

DS#1 is a freshman at Liberty U, a Christian college. He is very smart and throughout his childhood had only one good friend at a time. We actually changed churches right before he went into high school because he never fit in and was excluded within the homeschool group. Right now he is enjoying his college experience but having some struggles, too. Liberty has a lot of social activities and he is getting off campus sometimes with his dormmates. He has found some guys to play D&D with and this past weekend he went to a comic book convention. BUT he has yet to secure roommates for next year. Of his two current roommates, one has a girlfriend and has been distant all year. He has gotten along with the other but when DS asked about rooming together next year, the other boy already had plans. So, he has friends that are more aquaintances than meaningful friendships. He has one good friend at home that he spends time with whenever he is home. I feel for him but he has to find his own way socially.