Having another baby to give a child a playmate

[Annie Laurie]

What do you all think of that? I figure I'll get a wide range of honest opinions here, so it seemed like the place to ask.

 

I have a 16 yo, then after a space I had three babies in quick succession- they are now 10, 8 1/2, and 6 1/2. And now we have a new baby who is 2 1/2 months old.

 

My middle three are all such good friends, they have other friends, but they spend a lot of time together and play together well. Actually, all of them enjoy each other, even the eldest, despite the big age space between him and his siblings. The other night, ds16 made him and his siblings popcorn and cookies and they watched Star Wars together. They had such a good time, and I feel sad for the baby sometimes that he won't have anyone to watch movies with and build forts with, and all of the fun stuff my middle three do together. Though I can hope that him and the older kids will be close despite the age difference, but I wonder if it being three of them who are close and older than him, will result in him being left out.

 

Anyway, dh thinks we should have one more so the baby can have a friend, but I'm not sure if I can manage anymore children, and can't decide if that's a good enough reason. (Dh isn't pushy, he knows it's up to me, since I'm the one who does the majority of the childcare while he is the income earner). I really love babies but feel like it does impact homeschooling, which affects the other kids.

[Starr]

You know how much you can handle but I'm with your husband. The two littles can entertain each other and be buddies over the years.

[Crimson Wife]

There's no guarantee that siblings close in age will get along well. One of my best friends growing up is the oldest of 4 girls. The youngest two are "Irish twins" (11 mos. apart). Those two did not get along AT ALL as kids. The youngest was actually closest to the oldest even though there is a 7 year age difference.

 

If you are at the age where your biological clock is ticking and undecided, I would say that it's been my observation that those who do NOT try wind up with more regret in the long run.

[snickelfritz]

I have a sister who is 12 years older, a brother 8 years older, and a sister who is 15 months younger.

 

My older sister "mothered" us. My brother taught us baseball and football. Both went off to college when we were fairly young and the relationships were more distant....for a time. My younger sister was a constant playmate, but we also had a lot of rivalry issues.

 

Now? I am closest to my oldest sister, my brother passed away a number of years ago, and I only talk to my younger sister occasionally.

 

I would not have a child just to have a playmate. Even with a big age difference, the youngest child DOES have siblings. The age difference will become less important as they get older.

[Peela]

Well, I had number 2 close to number 1 in order for them to be playmates. Dh wanted it and I wasn't sure I couldn't handle another so close but it happened anyway and we have been grateful ever since.

 

But you have many children- its a different situation. It has been great to have kids close together, as you already know, but I would have had a 3rd no matter how far apart- and dh wouldn't. The "baby" probably also has its own place and gets a lot of attention from all the older kids.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, when we had a 14 yr old and an 11 year old, #3 was born.... so we decided to have another as fast as we could so she could have a friend when the others left, and because i was really, really old.... well, it seems young now, but at the time 40 felt old.

 

but that meant we only had 4.... i did find it easier to have two littles than just one after that first year was over.

:grouphug:

ann

[katemary63]

I think either way is wonderful and a good choice. I had two kids close together. I had two kids who are farther apart from sibings in age. Our last is 10 years younger then our next to last. I always thought she would be lonely but it turns out she is having a wonderful life. She is very close to her siblings who treat her in a special way, take her places to special activies she'd never get to go to otherwise. She even goes to school with them and sits in on their college classes. She loves it and the professors do to!! She aso just loves spending time with mom and dad. Yes, there are times when she has "no one to play with" but usually she is simply doing what ever her dad and I are doing, be it chores, watching TV or movies, cooking dinner or whatever.

 

To me, having an "only" has been a fantastic experience.

[dirty ethel rackham]

While in theory, I think the playmate idea is a valid one for another child, if a mom is physically, emotionally not up for another baby, I don't think it is a good enough reason. My boys are 17 and 14 and they are the best of friends. Dd is 10. I would love to have had a playmate for her, but I just could not handle another baby. I love babies, but I was exhausted.

[astrid]

As a parent of an intentional only, I'm the LAST person to give advice, but it seems that if you're questioning whether you have enough time/energy/whatever that might be a bit of an answer to your question.

 

Lots of luck-- it will all work out whatever you decide!

 

astrid

[Parrothead]

I'll give you the perspective as the mom of an unintentional only. Yes, built in playmate is good. That said, do you live in a neighborhood with lots of kids? Are moms having babies down the road?

 

We have not lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids to play with for almost 5 years. It hasn't been easy. If dd has no one to play with it falls to me or she plays alone. It is just the two of us alone all day for school already.

 

In 6 years will your then 12 year old play with your then 6 year old?

[CarrieF]

That is a tough one . . . I had two sons within 2 years and they are great buddies. Then when 2nd son was almost 4, son #3 was born and was immediately labeled "the BABY" by his older brothers. They are not mean (well, MOST of the time they're not!), but #3 just isn't one of "the big kids" and I kind of knew that going into it, SO . . . 20 months later, DD was born! Did we have another baby JUST so #3 could have a playmate? No, but it DID influence our decision and we've been so blessed watching the two youngest become buds, too. I am an only child, but I grew up with a family that has 3 boys, so always had playmates around; if you are close with other families who have children close to your littlest one's age, it won't be as big of a deal, but it IS something to consider. :001_smile: Wishing you the best, whatever your decision!

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Children are a wonderful blessing. I don't place limits on how large a family should be provided that the kids are able to be given love and the basic necessities.

 

I don't think creation of a "playmate" is a good enough reason. Imagine telling the last kid you just had them to entertain the previous kid. Have another child because you want another child.

[Miss Marple]

I'm of the opinion that you aren't guaranteed anything. My bottom 3 are all within 36 months. While they were young, they were great playmates. Fast forward to puberty and the teen years - it's a whole different ballgame. Personality is a far greater factor in the siblings being "friends" than age spacing. My eldest and youngest and the better buddies.

 

FWIW, I would not have another for the reason of providing a playmate *but* if you want another child, do it. Maybe it will work out the way you wish :-). They'll probably be great playmates in the younger years at least.

[justamouse]

I'm no help, all of mine get along well and I love the relationships they have.

 

I DO believe it's because they are close in age, but a firm parenting hand, too (everyone respects eachother, always). The last five are as tight as anything. I mean, they are a herd, and I don't force it. They just seek each other out. Even the oldest will seek out his 16 yo sister and ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go shoot hoops.

[MelanieM]

The person closest to me in the whole world (outside of husband and kids) is my aunt, who is 6 yrs older than I am. We lived together off and on while growing up, and feel like sisters. I was, and am, closer to her than I have ever been to my brother who is 2 yrs younger than I am. So, as others have said... age is no guarantee. If you really want another baby then absolutely go for it! But I wouldn't personally do it just for the playmate reason.

[blakereese]

I don't think that is the only reason to have another child, but if it factors into the decision, that is OK. It is always nice to have children close in age for a lot of reasons, not just to play together.

 

Do you want another child? Not for a playmate for the child you already have, but do you want another baby? Think about it, but if you are already having doubts than I think you may have your answer.

 

I'm the one at our house who would like another child, but don't know if DH will ever go for it. :)

[coffeegal]

Anyway, dh thinks we should have one more so the baby can have a friend, but I'm not sure if I can manage anymore children, and can't decide if that's a good enough reason. (Dh isn't pushy, he knows it's up to me, since I'm the one who does the majority of the childcare while he is the income earner). I really love babies but feel like it does impact homeschooling, which affects the other kids.

 

:grouphug: It's quite a decision, isn't it. My preference is not to have 1 so much younger, or older, than the others. So I told dh that if we ever had the 'perfect' circumstances in the next 3 years, I wanted #6. #6 decided not to wait for perfection. :lol: BUT for me, looking ahead 7-8 years, I wanted a pair not an only. I look forward to teaching 2 littles to read, working through SOTW activities together as a group, taking 2 children on fieldtrips, etc. Do you want 2? or do you look forward to being able to spend time with just the 2 of you learning to read? Doing various activities as just the 2 of you? An 'only' may not be as close to her siblings, but may have a closer relationship with you. :)

[Tap]

I would at least try for another.

 

I am the baby of a large family. My parents both had children with other people and then got together and had me. From my dad, I have 3 siblings 22-18 years older than I who lived 5 large states away. (I even have a nephew who is 2 years older than myself, that I have met twice.) From my mom, I have 4 siblings 12-6 years older than I. (Plus another who died at birth)

 

My dad's kids were pretty much absent from my life, so I don't know them at all.

 

My mom's kids, I was raised with from birth to 12, at which time they had all moved out.

 

I never really fit in. I wasn't part of either group. I have 7 living siblings, but no "sisters or brothers". While my mother thinks we got along fine, she never saw the torment they heaped on me. They all proclaimed me the baby and thus ...spoiled. They failed to realize that when they were teens, there were 5 kids at home....when I was a teen...I was an only child. My parent's financial situation was very different and my life was hugely different from my sibs (my parents and I traveled for 5 years). I saw the bond between my sibs, and knew I would never have that. My moms kids were born close together and were paired off by age proximity. Even my 30+ cousins are all a lot older than I, so I grew up, not knowing them either. They were the same age as my siblings, so even at large family dinners I was pretty much on my own.

 

As an adult, I have little to do with my family. I have no connection to anyone other than my mother (my father is deceased). My siblings are still in the same pairs as when we were growing up. I would like to have a sibling close in age to myself. Especially one who had some shared family experiences. Most of my memories growing up, are of me being an only. The memories of us all together are quite different versions than my sibs memories, as it would be; viewed from a 6yos view vs a 14, 15 or 17, 18yos.

Edited February 4, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[Dawn in OH]

I was fairly convinced we were done after Owen (#3). My husband insisted that since the other two were so much older, that Owen needed a playmate. We let nature take it's course and now we have 4 children. I'm definitely glad we did it. The boys are too young right now to see how their relationship will be, but right now Owen adores his baby.

[amy g.]

My 12 year old plays with my 4 year old all day long. Shoot, my 16 year old plays with my 4 year old whenever she gets the chance.

 

That said, I did decide to have another baby so my 4 year old would have a sibling closer to her own age.

 

It has been hard, hard, hard and sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I think in a year or to, I will see only the good, but having littles at the same time as teenagers can sure be challenging.

[mom2scouts]

Hahahahahaha. Sorry, but I do NOT think that's a good reason to have a baby. I have two sons who are 21 months apart. They are as different as two boys can possibly be and they have very few interests in common. They spent most of their childhood either fighting each other or ignoring each other. You just never know what personality you'll get when you have a child. My children who are further apart in age get along better and play with each other more than the ones closest in age.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Hahahahahaha. Sorry, but I do NOT think that's a good reason to have a baby. I have two sons who are 21 months apart. They are as different as two boys can possibly be and they have very few interests in common. They spent most of their childhood either fighting each other or ignoring each other. You just never know what personality you'll get when you have a child. My children who are further apart in age get along better and play with each other more than the ones closest in age.

 

 

This was my thought. There are no guarantees that they will even like each other, much less be good friends. Having two littles that fight constantly will be much harder to handle than finding playmates for an "only".

[Annie Laurie]

It has been hard, hard, hard and sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I think in a year or to, I will see only the good, but having littles at the same time as teenagers can sure be challenging.

 

I'm finding that very draining too.

 

There are a lot of great nuggets of wisdoms in the replies here, and I was getting ready to comment, but baby, (who will NOT go to sleep tonight), demands my attention.