Please DX my kids...NOT.

[LisaKinVA]

So, there you are, minding your own business and some well meaning person in your life pops up and says, "You know, my friend has two grandsons that are autistic, and one of them can focus so intently -- I really think your ds7 is autistic, because he does too." :confused1:

 

Umm, have you met his mother?

 

Thank you, but I'll take my perfectly normal, huggy, cuddly, sweet, very social, slightly intense, but always looking for the joke, bright boy and give you one :001_rolleyes: .

 

I don't think she'll be truly happy, until I have one child with some major physical or psychological problem (apparently, having one with some major speech issues, and the baby who will probably be dx'd with an expressive speech disorder during the next six months isn't enough.) Or maybe she just really doesn't believe I'm paying attention to my kids? I dunno.

[Parrothead]

It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder. An autistic disorder is preferred but some type of sensory issue is acceptable too.

[Niffercoo]

It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder. An autistic disorder is preferred but some type of sensory issue is acceptable too.

 

 

Really? Please tell me you're joking.

[Sahamamama]

So, there you are, minding your own business and some well meaning person in your life pops up and says, "You know, my friend has two grandsons that are autistic, and one of them can focus so intently -- I really think your ds7 is autistic, because he does too." :confused1:

 

I don't want to get into whether or not it's "fashionable" to have an autistic child (really? :glare: I'd think it would be painful, but that's just me), but this situation of a stranger or acquaintance doing on-the-spot "diagnostics" on my kids reminds me of two things that bug me:

 

1. A 20-something year old psychology student, who has taken three psych courses, tells me that I am probably passive-aggressive. Or repressing something from my early childhood. What the... ? :toetap05: I always like to say, "Oh, no. Actually, my aggression isn't passive. Wanna see?"

 

2. A 20-something year old early elementary education student, who has taken three courses on "Effective Bulletin Board Design," tells me that I am probably going to ruin my preschoolers by not enrolling them in a full-time, five-day, play-based, community-centered, discovery-learning, research-based, publicly-funded, secular-eclectic, non-judgmental (!), Waldorf-style, Montessori-influenced, whole-language, multimotor-modality-based preschool. What the... ? :nopity:I always like to say, "Oh, yes. Actually, that's why we had children, so we could ruin them. Wanna see?"

[Mom0012]

It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder. An autistic disorder is preferred but some type of sensory issue is acceptable too.

 

Actually, it's incredibly painful and traumatic.

 

Lisa

[jplain]

Lisa, :grouphug:.

 

I read it this way:

[sarcasm]It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder. An autistic disorder is preferred but some type of sensory issue is acceptable too.[/sarcasm]

[pdalley]

Lisa, :grouphug:.

 

I read it this way:

 

 

I read it as sarcasm too. It is incredibly rude to attempt to diagnose someone's child. But then manners seem to be a thing of the past.

[Once Again]

I don't find it "trendy" to have a child on the autism spectrum. It's been heartbreaking.

[BigMamaBird]

I always like to say, "Oh, no. Actually, my aggression isn't passive. Wanna see?"

 

:lol:

[QueenCat]

Actually, it's incredibly painful and traumatic.

 

Lisa

 

:iagree:Yep, and just when you think it's getting better, the pain returns.

[Mom0012]

Lisa, :grouphug:.

 

I read it this way:

 

I shouldn't have posted. The comment just hit me the wrong way.

 

To the OP, it would make me angry to have others diagnosing my child. My sister has 3 special needs kids and I have a child with special needs and she is always further diagnosing my child. Her diagnosis are wrong, but they are the same diagnosis her child has, so she thinks she knows what she's talking about.

 

Anyway, I suspect this person who is "diagnosing" your child is well-intentioned as you said, but I would find it extremely annoying and upsetting and I would tell them that I wasn't interested in their opinion in that area.

 

Lisa

[specialmama]

I read it as sarcasm too. It is incredibly rude to attempt to diagnose someone's child. But then manners seem to be a thing of the past.

 

Yes, and it is also incredibly rude to talk about any disorder as if it's the end of the world and you'd rather DIE than have your child have that affliction. :glare:

 

My son has autism and I wouldn't trade him for anything or anyone.

 

My step-sister who is always full of drama was having a "panic attack" in front of me because her dear 2 year old had pica and liked to eat blanket fluff. She got all dramatic and exclaimed "oh my gosh, he better not have autism! Oh noooooo! Not autism! What am I going to do? AAAAHHHH!" :glare: I gathered my senses, took a deep breath, and said "no, you wouldn't be that blessed. But let me join you in freaking out: oh nooooo this poor kid has a weird mother! Oh nooooo! Poor him, what are we going to dooooo?"

 

Come on. Of course folks shouldn't go around dxing kids all willy nilly, but you know what? There are a LOT of kids on the spectrum and a LOT of parents with their heads in the sand who won't even look at the evidence due to fear, ignorance, denial, etc. Folks who DO know autism generally really struggle with what to say and how to say it, with large amounts of tact and grace. They know the clock is ticking. The sooner the kid gets a dx the sooner therapy can start, the better the improvement. It is often comments from well-meaning people who make the parent aware that there IS a genuine problem. This does not excuse someone who does NOT know autism from opening their mouth and letting the winds blow when there is no reason. But 1) the OP is insensitive toward parents of kids with autism. 2) there are many cases where the child does have ASD and sorry, it's better for someone to risk a sneer and be brave enough to say something to help the child. Those that do say something know there is a chance the parent will get all panicky and get mad... but it's a risk they take for the child's ultimate benefit.

Again, I don't know you, your child or this lady. If your son does not have an ASD and this lady does NOT know what she's talking about, then brush it off as a know-it-all who is genuinely a fool.

Edited January 6, 2011 by specialmama

[Rhonda in TX]

It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder. An autistic disorder is preferred but some type of sensory issue is acceptable too.

 

It may be trendy for those NOT experiencing this on a daily basis. What a ridiculous thing to say.

 

I really hope you're being sarcastic.

[Parrothead]

Yes, sorry. It should be read with lots of sarcasm.

 

I was trying to point out that people are idiots. But seriously, why else would someone try so dang hard to attach a label to someone's kid.

 

We are better at diagnosing things now that years ago would have just been thought of as quirks. Now quirks mean that there has to be something wrong with the kid. Social quirks=autism spectrum, light/sound/texture quirks=sensory disorder, food quirks(uncommon dislikes)=food intolerance or allergies, active kid=ADHD.

 

It seems so bad that no one is allowed to have a normal kid, and the kids/people who actually have some kind of disorder/condition get a great lack of understanding at best, one-upmanship at worst.

 

Then there are the ones (not anyone here) that demand outrageous special treatment. "Oh, my Suzy has a sensory issue and can't stand in line. We must be allowed to enter the theater first."

 

Normal isn't good enough anymore.

 

Chucki the Parrothead, who has a child with sensory issues.

[CLHCO]

Yes, my son has been "diagnosed" as autistic (positive he's not), and pretty much everyone assumes he's ADHD. (Ok, that one may be true...)

 

He's maturing out of the goofy excited-by-what's-in-my-head twitches that set people into "diagnosis" mode, thankfully. :tongue_smilie:

[ondreeuh]

It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder. An autistic disorder is preferred but some type of sensory issue is acceptable too.

 

I TOTALLY get your sarcasm here. And yes, I see it too. This sums it up.

 

There are parents who desperately want their kids to fly under the radar, and others who want their children labeled so they can receive special treatment. Thankfully most are in the middle, but I can empathize with both extremes. It is HARD to have a kid who is misunderstood.

[burleygirl]

As someone who had her child, 'diagnosed' by a sister with BS in Psychology as potentially dyslexic, I was very thankful. I initially thought not my child - Highly verbal, intelligent enough, very active, walked and talked before the average child, etc. However, I began to research - a lot of research, books, internet, the who nine yards. I eventually concluded she was may have a point. I eventually got her evaluated and in a private school for children with learning differences. That was 3 years ago. I am ever so thankful for my sister suggesting it.

[sweetTN]

It is fashionable, don't you know, to have a child with some kind of disorder.

 

I read it as sarcasm also. However, I cringe every time I see a post where someone refers to their child as their 'little aspie'. Why would anyone want to define their beautiful child this way?

[Denisemomof4]

I read it as sarcasm also. However, I cringe every time I see a post where someone refers to their child as their 'little aspie'. Why would anyone want to define their beautiful child this way?

 

I would automatically assume it was a term of endearment. Not everyone would understand, but I would not take that as a mean spirited label from a parent At All.

[jplain]

However, I cringe every time I see a post where someone refers to their child as their 'little aspie'. Why would anyone want to define their beautiful child this way?

Same reason someone might refer to a child as a little dancer, a little bookworm, a little whirlwind, a little chomper, a little hooligan, a little anything.

Descriptive terms of endearment don't always make sense to others. :D

Edited January 6, 2011 by jplain

[Parrothead]

I read it as sarcasm also. However, I cringe every time I see a post where someone refers to their child as their 'little aspie'. Why would anyone want to define their beautiful child this way?

You know if the "little aspie" truly is on the spectrum I could see it as a term of endearment. But if I were to do it because my child is painfully shy, it would be awful - to those parents of kids with the disorder and to my dd. Kind of like being filpant about one's personal "OCD" tendencies to someone who truly suffers from OCD.

[Mama2Many4]

Yes, and it is also incredibly rude to talk about any disorder as if it's the end of the world and you'd rather DIE than have your child have that affliction. :glare:

 

My son has autism and I wouldn't trade him for anything or anyone.

 

My step-sister who is always full of drama was having a "panic attack" in front of me because her dear 2 year old had pica and liked to eat blanket fluff. She got all dramatic and exclaimed "oh my gosh, he better not have autism! Oh noooooo! Not autism! What am I going to do? AAAAHHHH!" :glare: I gathered my senses, took a deep breath, and said "no, you wouldn't be that blessed. But let me join you in freaking out: oh nooooo this poor kid has a weird mother! Oh nooooo! Poor him, what are we going to dooooo?"

 

Come on. Of course folks shouldn't go around dxing kids all willy nilly, but you know what? There are a LOT of kids on the spectrum and a LOT of parents with their heads in the sand who won't even look at the evidence due to fear, ignorance, denial, etc. Folks who DO know autism generally really struggle with what to say and how to say it, with large amounts of tact and grace. They know the clock is ticking. The sooner the kid gets a dx the sooner therapy can start, the better the improvement. It is often comments from well-meaning people who make the parent aware that there IS a genuine problem. This does not excuse someone who does NOT know autism from opening their mouth and letting the winds blow when there is no reason. But 1) the OP is insensitive toward parents of kids with autism. 2) there are many cases where the child does have ASD and sorry, it's better for someone to risk a sneer and be brave enough to say something to help the child. Those that do say something know there is a chance the parent will get all panicky and get mad... but it's a risk they take for the child's ultimate benefit.

Again, I don't know you, your child or this lady. If your son does not have an ASD and this lady does NOT know what she's talking about, then brush it off as a know-it-all who is genuinely a fool.

 

:grouphug: I have a son with autism so I know what it's like. People don't understand unless they've lived it. Do I wish he were "normal"? Nope, he IS normal! Do I wish he could cope with his surroundings better? Yes. I wouldn't trade him for the world, or his autism I suppose because it makes him the person he is. Just wanted to say I understand what you're saying. :001_smile:

Edited January 6, 2011 by 3Blessings4Me

[Soror]

I had a psychologist diagnosis my son as ADHD from occasionally seeing us at church. Our son who didn't act any worse than any other boy his age(I would take him to the back when he was too loud or squirmy fwiw).

[Garga]

So, there you are, minding your own business and some well meaning person in your life pops up and says, "You know, my friend has two grandsons that are autistic, and one of them can focus so intently -- I really think your ds7 is autistic, because he does too." :confused1:

 

 

 

 

Of course folks shouldn't go around dxing kids all willy nilly, but you know what? There are a LOT of kids on the spectrum and a LOT of parents with their heads in the sand who won't even look at the evidence due to fear, ignorance, denial, etc. Folks who DO know autism generally really struggle with what to say and how to say it, with large amounts of tact and grace. They know the clock is ticking. The sooner the kid gets a dx the sooner therapy can start, the better the improvement. It is often comments from well-meaning people who make the parent aware that there IS a genuine problem.

 

As someone who had her child, 'diagnosed' by a sister with BS in Psychology as potentially dyslexic, I was very thankful. I initially thought not my child - Highly verbal, intelligent enough, very active, walked and talked before the average child, etc. However, I began to research - a lot of research, books, internet, the who nine yards. I eventually concluded she was may have a point. I eventually got her evaluated and in a private school for children with learning differences. That was 3 years ago. I am ever so thankful for my sister suggesting it.

 

 

I agree with these guys. This sort of thing can go both ways. Either the person is an incredibly rude meanie, or they're trying to help in the only way they can figure out how to.

 

I sort of have the opposite problem as you. I think that my 60 year old father as aspergers. I've thought so for about 4 years now, but I don't know how to tell him without somehow offending him. The only reason I would tell him is that he has a lot of painful memories of being told his whole life that he's being a jerk, is stupid, isn't trying, etc. I think that if he realized that he has a condition that other people have, he'll realize he ISN'T a jerk, ISN'T stupid and IS trying...but he's just been misunderstood. I think it will be liberating to him, if he can accept it.

 

But, if he doesn't accept it, then I'll have just heaped more pain onto him along with the stupid, jerk, etc, labels that people have given him. I really don't know what to do.

[Alenee]

I can totally understand that kind of frustration but I've also been the one trying to encourage a parent to get her child checked out. It's visible to everyone but her that her child is on the autism spectrum and needs understanding and help, not flippant excuses.

 

I recently shared some thoughts I had with her after teaching her child. I was extremely careful to stay away from any words that included a particular disorder but recommended a good book to get her on the road to a diagnosis. Surprisingly, after years of friends trying, she didn't balk, read the book, and actually seems to be considering that these things her dd does aren't just quirks. I wonder how long it would've been had I not tried. There really are well-meaning people who can sometimes see what the parent inside the situation cannot.

[LisaKinVA]

1) the OP is insensitive toward parents of kids with autism.

I am sorry for making you feel that I was insensitive towards parents of kids with autism. That was not my intent. However, I felt my relative was being insensitive to those families with autism to trivialize it in the manner in which she did.

 

I was just irritated by a person who said this (a relative), who sees my child 2x a year, and has also "DX'd" my other children with various disorders, according to one trait out of a laundry-list of traits for "name-the-disorder."

 

Most professionals need more than one common symptom and a battery of tests, to make an accurate (or even probable) DX of any psychological (and even many physical) disorders. A sharp pain in one's side could be gas, or it could be something more serious. But, my guess is that if you said, "ow... I just had a sharp pain in my side," and the person next to you said, "Wow, you need to get to the ER and have your appendix out," you'd probably look at them like they had grown a third eye too.

[LisaKinVA]

I had a psychologist diagnosis my son as ADHD from occasionally seeing us at church. Our son who didn't act any worse than any other boy his age(I would take him to the back when he was too loud or squirmy fwiw).

 

And, I can usually tell, from casually observing a child that they should be evaluated for a language disorder. I've had enough training to usually be able to tell the difference between a developmentally appropriate delay and something that needs professional attention.

 

Most untrained, casual observers, who have no personal experience with a disorder cannot accurately dx something like Austism, Aspergers, ADHD, ADD, etc.

[zaichiki]

As someone who had her child, 'diagnosed' by a sister with BS in Psychology as potentially dyslexic, I was very thankful. I initially thought not my child - Highly verbal, intelligent enough, very active, walked and talked before the average child, etc. However, I began to research - a lot of research, books, internet, the who nine yards. I eventually concluded she was may have a point. I eventually got her evaluated and in a private school for children with learning differences. That was 3 years ago. I am ever so thankful for my sister suggesting it.

 

I have to agree. Five years ago a friend who had children diagnosed with dyslexia mentioned that I might learn more about it. I shrugged off her suggestion, reasoning that my then 3.5 year old was very bright and could already write using invented spelling: obviously she couldn't have dyslexia. I didn't know why she was having such trouble reading (for a child who would independently write whole sentences using phonics), but it *couldn't* be dyslexia. To my friend's credit, she just dropped it. Fast forward a few years and that conversation (and the experiences she continued to share regarding her kids' reading journey) stuck in my head. I read a bit more about different types of dyslexia and was surprised to find that dd, dh, and f-i-l all fit one type exactly. Dd was tested. She has dyslexia (insert shock and faint here!). I would never have suspected it, researched, and gotten the testing (and hence remediation) if not for my friend. I'm very thankful that she suggested it.

[Mejane]

You know what they say about a little knowledge... :glare:

[pdalley]

Yes, sorry. It should be read with lots of sarcasm.

 

I was trying to point out that people are idiots. But seriously, why else would someone try so dang hard to attach a label to someone's kid.

 

We are better at diagnosing things now that years ago would have just been thought of as quirks. Now quirks mean that there has to be something wrong with the kid. Social quirks=autism spectrum, light/sound/texture quirks=sensory disorder, food quirks(uncommon dislikes)=food intolerance or allergies, active kid=ADHD.

 

It seems so bad that no one is allowed to have a normal kid, and the kids/people who actually have some kind of disorder/condition get a great lack of understanding at best, one-upmanship at worst.

 

Then there are the ones (not anyone here) that demand outrageous special treatment. "Oh, my Suzy has a sensory issue and can't stand in line. We must be allowed to enter the theater first."

 

Normal isn't good enough anymore.

 

Chucki the Parrothead, who has a child with sensory issues.

 

:iagree: says the woman with ALL THREE of her kids on the spectrum, who has traits herself and gets a real case of the red butt when people imply that OUR situation is tragic, that if I hadn't vaccinated them they'd be fine, or if I just did what Jenny McCarthy says they'd be fine. The woman who has been 'labeled' with everything under the sun and if weren't my mother and brother were. And guess what? We're fine. It's not other people's fine but we're productive members of society who don't hurt other people or break laws.

 

You know what? This is OUR family and this is OUR normal. Your mileage may vary. And back in the 80's my mother, brother and I had the horrible experience of a Freudian shrink who tried to convince all of us we'd been sexually abused because that was the 'thing' back then. Chucki is making a good point here.

 

 

Everyone's situation is different but I get sick and tired of people assuming my life and my boys lives are tragic because they are quirky and happen to be diagnosed with autism. (and I do believe the diagnoses to be true) They struggle but everybody in this world has some sort of struggle. They are just different. I speak to no other situation but ours.

 

I would NEVER be so presumptuous to presume I could diagnose someone else or their child. If they asked me I'd be more than happy to direct them to qualified people that can.

 

I just want the same courtesy extended to me that I extend to others. I do believe there are as many causes for autistic symptoms as there are people on the spectrum. However, it is settled in my mind and heart, that our particular case is genetic and I will not be subjecting my children to treatments and therapies that are risky. I do not wish to change their DNA and that is the only way my kids would be 'normal'.

[ondreeuh]

and it goes both ways. I've been told my son is "just a normal boy" more times than I can count by well-meaning people who think I'm overreacting.

[secular_mom]

and it goes both ways. I've been told my son is "just a normal boy" more times than I can count by well-meaning people who think I'm overreacting.

:iagree: Especially my MIL.

[Murphy101]

Well I'm with chucki.

 

Un pc tho it is.

 

I'm rather tired of every time some expresses a concern or frustration it never fails that a plethora of folks start suggesting various alphabet soup possibilities and medications and therapy.

 

I don't doubt these things exist same as any other possible medical condition.

 

But if they aren't asking for medical dx, then I wish folks would mind their own business.

 

Even if there is a problem, they might not care how you would handle it.

 

And most of the time people need to quit transferring their issues onto others bc most of the time the issue is that raising kids is a PITA sometimes.

 

Again, good intentions aside and understanding that these things do exist does not mean people shouldn't mtob. Especially when the opinion was not asked for.

 

Harsh? Maybe. Sorry for that truly.

 

But there it is all the same.

 

And this from a mom who is pretty confident at least two of her kids would be dx as on the spectrum. Still doesn't make it anyone elses business to comment or suggest I do what they have done. And no it doesn't mean I have my head in the sand either. Which is pretty dang insulting too btw.

[ondreeuh]

I'm rather tired of every time some expresses a concern or frustration it never fails that a plethora of folks start suggesting various alphabet soup possibilities and medications and therapy.

 

I don't doubt these things exist same as any other possible medical condition.

 

But if they aren't asking for medical dx, then I wish folks would mind their own business.

 

Even if there is a problem, they might not care how you would handle it.

 

And most of the time people need to quit transferring their issues onto others bc most of the time the issue is that raising kids is a PITA sometimes.

 

Again, good intentions aside and understanding that these things do exist does not mean people shouldn't mtob. Especially when the opinion was not asked for.

 

YES! Sometimes we just want commiseration, and not an "order" to pursue a vision screening with a COVD fellow, a trial of a GFCF diet, fish oils, weighted blanket, a particular curriculum, ad infinitum ...

 

My child definitely has a few certain disorders, but other parts of him are just HIM. ALL kids are challenging and not all issues are disorders that have to be cured. Some of it is just kid stuff that needs to be dealt with as all kid stuff is.

 

I have a child with significant speech issues who is not currently in formal therapy, and that really bothers some people. Surely if I just got him the right speech therapy it would cure him! His issues run deep and I have accepted that there is no cure, only hope for continued improvement. No one questions that his heart is imperfect and no amount of surgery will make it a perfect heart, and the best we can hope for is adequate heart function. The brain, however, is seen as much more malleable.