If you have left a church

[chickenpatty]

were you able to maintain relationships with the people who stayed? What if you left in a way that was amiable, with no hard feelings towards the leadership? Is it normal to feel like you shouldn't reach out (call, hang out, etc...) with the people left behind so that you didn't give others the impression that you were trying to pull them away as well? Is it normal that the pastor & wife would feel like you've rejected them personally and even though you had been close friends before, they've now taken deliberate steps in not associating with your family? Is this normal? Anyone else been down this road? :confused:

[justamouse]

yes, but that was after they all ended up leaving on their own. We reconnected.

[QuirkyKapers]

We have been on both sides, having our friends leave and now after 18 years at a church, leaving ourselves. When my friends left, all I had to really change, which was a little bit of work and getting used to, talking about the church. Where we had that in common, of course, now we didn't. I made a concerted effort to not give updates, talk positively or negatively about the church. I think that can work if the friends you have really want to have the friendship remain. Now having left, there is one or two people who talk to me. I think most relationships just will fall by the wayside. Especially if the center of their life is the church.

 

As far as Pastoral stuff, we had new Pastoral leadership and stayed for two years. I wouldn't say we were close friends. However, they will sometimes still check in on how we are doing in our lives and with finding another place to worship.

 

Tough stuff....:grouphug:

[simka2]

Yes I think it is somewhat normal. I will try to answer from both sides of the coin.

 

As a PW I pour myself into people and relationships. I love them and it rips my heart out when they leave. Not because of pride or control (although that exists in many church situations), but because I only have so much time and energy, and my responsibilty lies with my flock. "I" would hope that there would be time to maintain the relationship, but the reality just isn't there.

 

Also, if you are going to another church (a part of another flock)...I am going to tred carefully.

 

As someone who has left a church...yes the relationships were lost for a season, but once enough time had passed I was able to pick many up again.

[Jean in Newcastle]

We've maintained relationships with people who have left our church, and we've maintained relationships with people who have stayed in churches we've left. Just because a church isn't a good fit for someone doesn't mean that we've lost our connection as brothers and sisters in Christ. And just because a church isn't a good fit for someone doesn't mean that all the other things we had in common went away. And while my dh was not the Sr. pastor at the church, he was preaching most of the time. We did not see it as a rejection of him or his ministry because we knew why our friends left and it had nothing to do with that.

[mom2a&z]

My dh and I left our church last year after having been members for 6 years. Most of the relationships have just died a natural death because they revolved around church.

 

I have tried to maintain a couple of relationships that I think are important, but the rest I have let go. I don't take it personally because I don't have enough time in my life to make friends at my new church and maintain all the relationships I left behind.

 

Of course, most of my friends at my old church were dumbfounded when we left to become Catholic! When I do happen to see them, we never talk about religion.

[Chris in VA]

We started at a church in Dallas when my hubby was in grad school, but he got a job a few months later as a Sunday-only assistant. It took me about a year to leave the first church and go full-time to the second. (Same denomination.)

 

I was able to maintain most of the relationships from the first because we saw each other in other places, mainly the Cursillo community. Also, interestingly, a few people also left the first church (not at the same time as we did) and came to the second. That was kinda cool!

 

The relationships to the staff were just fine.

[SonshineLearner]

I think it was really nice the way a family left our old church. I was young, but I still remember it. They asked to talk during the sharing time. They explained that they loved our church, but had prayed about it and it was time they went to a different one. They wanted to be friends with us, they had no hard feelings towards anyone there.... they just had decided to join another church.... It was really nice to know that they had no ill will towards anyone and answered the questions before any gossip could occur. It gave everyone the chance to kinda say, "sorry... but it's good to know"...

 

:)

[Margo out of lurking]

were you able to maintain relationships with the people who stayed? What if you left in a way that was amiable, with no hard feelings towards the leadership? Is it normal to feel like you shouldn't reach out (call, hang out, etc...) with the people left behind so that you didn't give others the impression that you were trying to pull them away as well? Is it normal that the pastor & wife would feel like you've rejected them personally and even though you had been close friends before, they've now taken deliberate steps in not associating with your family? Is this normal? Anyone else been down this road? :confused:

 

We've been pretty much shunned with the exception of a very small handful of people (oh, maybe five). We left very amiably--we just left. We talked with a few friends who were struggling for the same reasons we were. One couple stayed. One couple made a very drastic move out of the area.

 

I have no problem with our pastor (although we've not seen him). His wife, I'm sure, would shun us. We had major issues with an asst. pastor, and I know they would avoid us at all costs, although we never had any kind of discussion, and they probably do not know he is the reason we left. It's been 10 months and we still do not have a new church home.

 

Leaving a church is HARD. Hard, hard, hard. I'm praying for you right now.

[chickenpatty]

Thank you all for your input. I knew there were some PW's on the board & am thankful for their perspective, too.

 

Sigh...it's just so hard & sad, and especially so for all the kids involved. :(

[OregonNative]

When I have left a church is was because of a move, but I've found that most of my church relationships revolved around church. I feel ppl need to go where God leads them. I DO NOT understand why a person who is supposed to be loving like Christ would literally shun another human being. That is wrong and not what God teaches. Unless your in a cult-it's not what the church teaches either.

[May]

When we left a church, it was for doctrinal reasons. We ascribed more to the doctrine set forth by our church body and the pastoral leadership would pick and choose. I wish we could have maintained some relationships but unfortunately, we did not.

[Harriet Vane]

My dh and I left our church last year after having been members for 6 years. Most of the relationships have just died a natural death because they revolved around church.

 

I have tried to maintain a couple of relationships that I think are important, but the rest I have let go. I don't take it personally because I don't have enough time in my life to make friends at my new church and maintain all the relationships I left behind.

 

 

This has been my experience as well.

 

As far as the pastor goes, some people are just better at this than others. Don't be too hard on the pastoral couple--they get beat up by their own congregations far more than many of us realize, and are under unique pressure due to their position. The pastor may be projecting other hurts into this situation. Just continue being friendly and cordial and ignore any weird undercurrents--it will likely get better over time.

[Tess in the Burbs]

been there but the pastor understood my reason for looking elsewhere was for kids programs. He knows how much we love his sermons but they literally had no other kids and my kids were not into church as much as before when we had kid programs. of course I saw other people from our small church at the bigger/kid program church too ;-)

 

Anyway, it can be hard making that change but be honest and true friends will understand

[elfgivas]

when i was a pastor, the church took almost all my time that wasn't devoted to family, exercise and music. so relationships that had one of those other elements would continue, but if not, then likely not.

 

if folks went to another church i was Very Intentional about putting firm boundaries around the relationship because they needed to relate to their new pastor, not to me. that was true when i moved churches, too.... the folks from the earlier church needed to form relationships with the new pastor of that church, and it was important for me to not get in the way of that.

 

it was a completely different thing if we were friends before they joined the church... that was a personal relationship and we already had "outside church" relationships.

 

hth,

ann

[texasmama]

As a PW I pour myself into people and relationships. I love them and it rips my heart out when they leave. Not because of pride or control (although that exists in many church situations), but because I only have so much time and energy, and my responsibilty lies with my flock. "I" would hope that there would be time to maintain the relationship, but the reality just isn't there.

 

:iagree: I am very close friends with our pastor's wife. When people leave the church (and we have had a pretty large exodus in the past two years), she and the pastor cannot help but take it as people leaving them to some extent. If a pastor and his wife are as invested in individual lives as they are, it will hurt when people leave. I have a bit of an "insider's perspective" due to our friendship and have listened many times as she expressed being hurt by people leaving, the manner in which they left, etc. I don't think that most people intend it personally towards a pastor when they leave a church, but I'm sure it is difficult to handle this as a pastor.

[mommaduck]

Very few and even those tend to eventually fizzle. The friends I've kept are those I've met outside of church altogether. I've dealt with all kinds of fall out though over the years, being told I'm going to hell and taking my children with me, nasty phone calls, etc. In one case, I was unable to travel 3hrs to church anymore due to a pregnancy and found a similar church closer to me...we were threatened with Church discipline.

Edited January 4, 2011 by mommaduck

[JessReplanted]

We've had to leave a church before, and it was very painful, although we knew it was the right thing to do.

 

Now, my husband is pastoring a church-plant. We've seen quite a few people come and go over the past few years. The one thing I would encourage anyone who is leaving their church to do would be to sit down with the pastor (& his wife if applicable) and let him know why you are leaving. It is a really horrible experience to have someone hug you one week and tell you they love you, only to have them disappear without a reason.

 

Honestly, there have been times when people have left, and things seem amicable, but I know that our relationship is not going to be the same. There have been different reasons with different people. At the same time, other people have 'moved on' as they followed God's leading, and while we were sad to see them go, we celebrated their time of ministry with us and tried to keep in touch after they left.

[Karenciavo]

The people who were close friends remained close. We were never shunned as far as I know, but I tend not to notice things like that.

[Cinder]

We move a lot so we've had two occasions where we left a church. The first time we only remained friends with 2 families. The first we had become good friends with and they left at the same time for the same reasons. The second family, the wife was our realtor. Though we weren't close friends we did maintain a good relationship with them. Even though we had been at that church for 1.5 years we never became good friends with anyone who had been there awhile. It was an old, local church (you know, everyone is related to everyone else) and rather clique-ish .

 

The second time we were at a church plant. After giving it about a year or so we decided that church's focus wasn't the same as ours. We were about to leave, but then something else happened that caused the church to fall apart. We aren't close friends with anyone from that church, but are still friendly with them when we see them around town.

 

Recently friends that we know (we've never gone to the same church, though they're our oldest friends here) left their church. It was much more difficult for them as they were very close friends with the pastor and his family. They have been cut off from old friendships. The only ones they are still friends with are those who left for the same reasons. It's been most difficult for their middle child whose only friends were and are still at that church.

[Cinder]

We've had to leave a church before, and it was very painful, although we knew it was the right thing to do.

 

 

The one thing I would encourage anyone who is leaving their church to do would be to sit down with the pastor (& his wife if applicable) and let him know why you are leaving.

 

I wanted to re-emphasize this great advice. Dh has always gone to the pastor before we left to explain our reasoning. Our friends did the same.

[mommaduck]

We've had to leave a church before, and it was very painful, although we knew it was the right thing to do.

 

Now, my husband is pastoring a church-plant. We've seen quite a few people come and go over the past few years. The one thing I would encourage anyone who is leaving their church to do would be to sit down with the pastor (& his wife if applicable) and let him know why you are leaving. It is a really horrible experience to have someone hug you one week and tell you they love you, only to have them disappear without a reason.

 

Honestly, there have been times when people have left, and things seem amicable, but I know that our relationship is not going to be the same. There have been different reasons with different people. At the same time, other people have 'moved on' as they followed God's leading, and while we were sad to see them go, we celebrated their time of ministry with us and tried to keep in touch after they left.

This is NOT a good idea when one is dealing with a church that is authoritative and spiritually abusive.

[simka2]

This is NOT a good idea when one is dealing with a church that is authoritative and spiritually abusive.

 

:iagree:Thanks for pointing this out!!! My tummy did a little lurch at that advice.

 

I think the heart is in the right place, but it not always the best course of action.

[Blueridge]

We've been pretty much shunned with the exception of a very small handful of people (oh, maybe five). We left very amiably--we just left. We talked with a few friends who were struggling for the same reasons we were. One couple stayed. One couple made a very drastic move out of the area.

 

I have no problem with our pastor (although we've not seen him). His wife, I'm sure, would shun us. We had major issues with an asst. pastor, and I know they would avoid us at all costs, although we never had any kind of discussion, and they probably do not know he is the reason we left. It's been 10 months and we still do not have a new church home.

 

Leaving a church is HARD. Hard, hard, hard. I'm praying for you right now.

:grouphug: Praying for you! We left our church 2 years ago, and have not been accepted by those people since. Believe me, we had many good reasons for leaving that extremely conservative, difficult place. Then the phone calls stopped. The friendly waves at the store stopped. We were no longer *in the club*. A judgmental attitude surfaced that had always been there, but hidden. I guess we are now considered bad influences and avoided. :tongue_smilie: It is heartbreaking, but makes me all the more determined to be a loving person in spite of it all. So, we move slowly forward.

Edited January 4, 2011 by Blueridge

[mommaduck]

:iagree:Thanks for pointing this out!!! My tummy did a little lurch at that advice.

 

I think the heart is in the right place, but it not always the best course of action.

Yeah, so did mine. Though as the poster was a pastor's wife, I can understand her pov.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: Praying for you! We left our church 2 years ago, and have not been accepted by those people since. Believe me, we had many good reasons for leaving that extremely conservative, difficult place. Then the phone calls stopped. The friendly waves at the store stopped. We were no longer *in the club*. A judgmental attitude surfaced that had always been there, but hidden. I guess we are now considered bad influences and avoided. :tongue_smilie: It is heartbreaking, but makes me all the more determined to be a loving person in spite of it all. So, we move slowly forward.

 

That's when you find out who your true friends are, if any, in that church. In our case, we now have a cadre of very close friends who are much tighter now that we've all gone through the fire of a toxic church together. All of them ended up leaving in the end, though. Now we all attend different churches, but that bond we have will be forever, I think.

[Blueridge]

That's when you find out who your true friends are, if any, in that church. In our case, we now have a cadre of very close friends who are much tighter now that we've all gone through the fire of a toxic church together. All of them ended up leaving in the end, though. Now we all attend different churches, but that bond we have will be forever, I think.

 

That's been the worst part of it all. After we left, a family who had also left before us invited us to home church with them. They were not faithful to that new arrangement, though, and sometimes months would go by while we waited to see if we were having a meeting that week. We finally, very lovingly, told them that we needed to seek a regular place of worship because we were hungry for spiritual encouragement and fellowship. It appeared as though we had deserted them! They decided to return to the original church and now they shun us, too. We're just not *serious* enough. :glare: It's awful, to feel so unloved, misjudged, and estranged. We just couldn't pretend anymore to be a part. So, I guess we had no real friends there at all. I am so happy for you, Jean, that you kept your special friends! Blessings~

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

were you able to maintain relationships with the people who stayed? What if you left in a way that was amiable, with no hard feelings towards the leadership? Is it normal to feel like you shouldn't reach out (call, hang out, etc...) with the people left behind so that you didn't give others the impression that you were trying to pull them away as well? Is it normal that the pastor & wife would feel like you've rejected them personally and even though you had been close friends before, they've now taken deliberate steps in not associating with your family? Is this normal? Anyone else been down this road? :confused:

 

Yes to almost all of these questions. I left the church I was raised in my whole life when I was 18. That church believed that they were the ONLY church that was right, and going to any other and not following their strict, legalistic rules was turning my back on God.

 

The majority of my very big family is still in this church, and I always hear about it at Thanksgiving (our reunion time.)

 

I didn't keep in touch with anyone from that church for the exact same reason you mentioned. I grew up with these people, and now after 6 years, I am facebook "friends" with 5 of them.

 

I was recently able for the first time to talk about this to one of the people I grew up with in this church. It was very helpful. While we still disagreed about interpretation of scripture, he was able to acknowledge that the local congregation we grew up in had serious issues. And he did say they felt rejected, but it wasn't as big a scale as I had previously believed (although we weren't very close, so that might have had something to do with it.)

 

After stressing about this for 6 years, it was good to be able to talk to someone about it.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

been there but the pastor understood my reason for looking elsewhere was for kids programs. He knows how much we love his sermons but they literally had no other kids and my kids were not into church as much as before when we had kid programs.

 

My dh and I have this same situation. We are the ONLY couple with kids that attend. I'm pretty sure the average age of our church is over 50.

 

With homeschooling, and only one friend who has a kid, we really need other kids for ours to interact with. But we can't leave; my husband is on the church board, and I'm the head of Children's education (there is one 10 year old that visits every other week.)

[JessReplanted]

This is NOT a good idea when one is dealing with a church that is authoritative and spiritually abusive.

 

Oh, I guess that's not something I have thought about at all, because that is not a situation we've ever been in. :001_huh:

[Starr]

My dh and I have this same situation. We are the ONLY couple with kids that attend. I'm pretty sure the average age of our church is over 50.

 

With homeschooling, and only one friend who has a kid, we really need other kids for ours to interact with. But we can't leave; my husband is on the church board, and I'm the head of Children's education (there is one 10 year old that visits every other week.)

 

When my kids were younger we took them to another churches kids program. Fortunately the clergy in our community get along well and it wasn't a problem.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You know, I've been talking to a lot of people recently about this topic. One thing I remind people (and myself) about is that a church is supposed to be a family. Just as there can be functional families and dysfunctional families, the same can be said for church families. A functional family is not perfect and there will be some hurts but they work through them and the hurts are not deep ones. A dysfunctional family on the other hand can leave some pretty big scars and many times the only way to deal with it is to leave and to set up some pretty firm boundaries. Sometimes the boundaries mean not seeing people from that church family again. Sometimes it means still reaching out to friends who still respond to you.

 

I don't think the answer though is to never join another church family. We do need that for spiritual growth. Yes, be cautious to make sure that the next church family is functional but don't let the scars of bitterness build up. This is something I've had to work out in my own life in the past few years.

[PinkInTheBlue]

From my experience the only way a relationship continues after leaving a church is if you have a really strong out of church relationship already. Most of the time you discover that your relationship is so tied to church common things that there isn't anything else to go on. I hope I'm wrong but that's was my experience in the past.

 

If you think that's bad, try stopping church altogether. Even family will disconnect with you then. At least it's a way to cut out some relationships in your life that you might want to...haha :[ (said with much sarcasm ;) )

[TravelingChris]

OUr one difficult breakup with a church was about 12 or 13 years ago. We left after a minister was let go do to irregularities, the main pastor left to move to another church in another state and we were left with an interim. I hadn't like the interim but when he decided to compare homeschooling to terrorism, I left the sanctuary. I didn't return and my husband, who had been at home with a sick child, agreed. We were still friendly with a military mom who lived in our neighborhood and attended that church. SHe wasn't happy with the interim either but her family had attended that church for many, many years. I wasn't going to have my kids listening to such an ignorant man.

[Tess in the Burbs]

But we can't leave;

 

We too were very involved. I stepped down from running VBS. We did leave. And it was hard but when we weren't there for 2 weeks straight our pastor knew why and never called to bother us. They accepted things for how they were.

 

And when we moved the summer I didn't expect them to think of us this Christmas with a money blessing but they did. No hurt feelings obviously!

 

even the pastor has come to grips that he's good with the older crowd. He yearns for kids around but accepts the congregational age being so much older.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

We too were very involved. I stepped down from running VBS. We did leave. And it was hard but when we weren't there for 2 weeks straight our pastor knew why and never called to bother us. They accepted things for how they were.

 

And when we moved the summer I didn't expect them to think of us this Christmas with a money blessing but they did. No hurt feelings obviously!

 

even the pastor has come to grips that he's good with the older crowd. He yearns for kids around but accepts the congregational age being so much older.

 

Our Pastor is very loving and understanding, but we are pretty much their only hope of ever attracting younger families. I would feel like I was abandoning them (the church), and I can't do that. We will give it a little bit longer. We started going to a non-denominational bible study that had classes for the kids, which was great until my 4yo started throwing fits, wouldn't sit still and listen, and cried when they sang songs. :banghead: