Parents with kids who seem to struggle with everything?

[JessReplanted]

We are in New Hampshire this week, and just wrapped up two days of skiing. My little girls (3&4) went to ski school, and our son Noah (almost 8) had snowboarding lessons. Noah is one of those kids who has to work hard to learn how to do things. Learning how to ride a bike (just this past summer) was a major event requiring weeks of practicing, & many bad falls.

 

He's been trying to learn how to snowboard for a few years now. Unfortunately, we only go 'skiing' one week out of the year. And, this just doesn't seem to be working for Noah. My husband became very upset today when he went to watch Noah in his class, and found him sitting on the ground eating snow. :tongue_smilie:

 

I just feel like this is such a hard thing. We want to teach him to work hard and do his best, but at the same time, we need to accept him for who he is. I was also one of those kids who struggled with things (learning to ski was a miserable experience - but I continued to try it year after year). My husband was always naturally athletic though, so he's really frustrated with this.

 

Can anyone else relate??

[meggie]

Does he really struggle with "everything" or just physical activities? It could just be that he's not very physically coordinated. How does he do when learning other things? What talents does he have?

[Sophia]

Dh is also athletic and competitive.

When my oldest was little, we had to put him in every sport~soccer, baseball, basketball, football, you name it, ds had to play it.

 

Ds didn't hate it, he always cooperated, but he definitely didn't love it.

He'd always try to strike up conversations with his teammates in the middle of the game :lol:, and just kind of drift off (daydream) when they didn't respond.

We finally gave up and got him involved in speech and debate since he always wanted to be talking.

 

I'm glad we gave ds the chance to play sports, but I'm also glad we recognized it wasn't what he really enjoyed and redirected him to something that suited him better.

[JessReplanted]

His struggles are mostly physical, although I really think that if he was in PS he would be struggling academically too. He really enjoys legos, and he loves video games (which we limit). He is very comfortable at our library and has a huge range of interest when it comes to the books he chooses. He does well at math and really enjoys history and science.

 

He wants to snowboard (rather than ski). He also seems to enjoy sports - a little bit. Last year he played basketball and baseball for the first time - both were very challenging. We 'made' him learn how to ride a bike (by taking his video game away).

 

I don't know.. I think that we need to teach him that he has to try his best - in such a way that he is still confident with who he is.

[JessReplanted]

What talents does he have?

 

One thing that we've realized today is that we really need to figure out what his real strengths and interests are. He is a very bright kid. He's very sensitive and perceptive. He likes to make people happy. And he likes legos & video games. But I'm not quite sure what his talents are.

[meggie]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you having him try the physical activities, but just don't push too hard (it's always a balance).

 

I don't think you need to get rid of video games altogether, but if it were my kid, I wouldn't focus on that as a big talent. However Legos can cultivate more creativity and is probably good for the brain somehow (if they're building things on their own, not just following the box's pattern). I read a book once (my mind is too fried to think of which one, I'm sorry) about how learning to build things with Legos and K'nex and other similar toys help them learn about engineering. Who knows, maybe he'll grow up to be an engineer? At this age, I'd just let him explore lots of different things, not just focus on one thing. And even with physical activities, there's quite a range that you could have him try. Again, in my experience, I'm not a very good jazz/tap/hip-hop/pop dancer, but I was really good at ballroom dancing. You just never know.

[tex-mex]

One thing that we've realized today is that we really need to figure out what his real strengths and interests are. He is a very bright kid. He's very sensitive and perceptive. He likes to make people happy. And he likes legos & video games. But I'm not quite sure what his talents are.

I like the fact you are working on this. Every child is different, kwim? My dh is a very coordinated jock who got recruited into college via sports. His mom was an award winning State Champion Coach. Dad was super athletic. His sister also was amazingly coordinated and excelled in any sport.

 

Me? I'm a complete klutz. :D I had to teach myself how to ride a bike when I was 9 years old... and that ended in my crashing the bike into a tree. :lol: I eventually learned how to ride a bike. I didn't know how to tie my shoelaces until 3rd/4th grade. When friends asked me to join them roller skating, I'd be the one falling and injuring myself. LOL I loved reading and drawing as a child. The library was my hiding place. I became a very good artist and had a scholarship to Art School -- but turned it down for state college and teaching as a profession.

 

Our ds is unfortunately just like me with coordination. We tried the AYSO Soccer, tennis lessons, swimming lessons, learning how to ride a bike, and more. DS simply learns at a different pace and it is harder for him to master anything. DH was crushed at first when we discovered this -- but now DS is a teen and very into reading and video gaming -- we both are at peace with his "thing". I focused on forming a Robotics Club for son via our homeschool support group and we did LEGO NXT projects. I also got him involved in 4H and Drama Club. Video Game design is a goal for son -- but it requires a LOT of higher level math. (So this helps with getting him to do his work! LOL)

 

If it helps, both son and I are Asperger's Syndrome -[above average intelligence and bright/socially awkward]- which makes us both poorly coordinated and large motor issues are hard for us. HTH

Edited December 30, 2010 by tex-mex

[tex-mex]

Maybe I'm weird, but in my world those sorts of things don't matter much. Does he have fun trying? That's what matters. So what if he isn't a superstar snow boarder. Plenty of people aren't.

:iagree:

[DianeW88]

How about art or music? Does he like to draw? How about learning to play a musical instrument? Has he expressed any interest in that?

[Manamana]

This sounds a little like my dh's childhood. He has low vision and a father who was/is an AVID golfer. His father tried to teach him to golf but gave up in frustration and dh was relieved. He never enjoyed sports except maybe skiing and swimming(where hand-eye coordination are not so important.)

 

His parents never really identified or encouraged him in his true gifts which were very intellectual - he is an incredible reader able to read literature or on a topic from many different perspectives and sources and synthesize information making it accessible to others either in writing or teaching. His father told him to get a business degree if he really wanted to succeed. He is now a rare book librarian/archivist.

 

I think it is good to try things but if a child isn't excelling or enjoying, move on. I personally always thought skiing lessons were soooo boring. Maybe he would enjoy snowboarding more if he just learned with you on the bunny hill. That's how I learned to ski.

[Peela]

It sounds like me with my son, who is fine athletically (not brilliant, just fine), but has struggled academically. Now for me, someone who loves to learn, to read, to write, for whom a classical educaiton is a joy...it has been almost impossible to conceive having a child who struggles in all these areas and couldnt give a toss.

 

I just think its important to keep things in perspective. Our kids are not here to make us feel good...we are here to serve them in the best way we can, to foster their strengths and talents and accept them for who they are. If your son isn't athletic...I agree with the pp....is he at least having some fun?

 

Here in Australia, and I know a lot in the U.S., people worship sports. But not everyone- for many of us, there is life without sport. Dh was in a queue the other day and someone ahead of him was making a comment about the cricket match being played that day(cricket here is like baseball over there- huge)- the cashier shrugged and said she didnt follow cricket and the person was surprised. What, you dont follow the cricket? Dh piped up and said he didnt either, and he said it was really funny because once the guy had been served and left, all the people in the queue behind him also piped up and said they didnt follow the cricket either. Its almost sacreligious to admit that here! :)

 

There is so much more to life that being good at any one thing, like sport. More improtant to enjoy something that keeps youactive and healthy, than to be competitive. My kids got into non- competitive gymnastics which keeps them fit. And Scouts. Neither care much for team sports.

 

But if your son really has co-ordination issues, he may also have learning issues, which is another issue altogether.

[Pippen]

He wants to snowboard (rather than ski). He also seems to enjoy sports - a little bit. Last year he played basketball and baseball for the first time - both were very challenging. We 'made' him learn how to ride a bike (by taking his video game away).

.

 

Often kids with gross or fine motor skills issues will be reluctant or delayed in things like riding a bike, buttoning shirts, etc. If you're seeing quite a lot of struggling it might be worth having an OT assessment done.

[ondreeuh]

One thing that we've realized today is that we really need to figure out what his real strengths and interests are. He is a very bright kid. He's very sensitive and perceptive. He likes to make people happy. And he likes legos & video games. But I'm not quite sure what his talents are.

 

You have just described my 9 year old son. He is dyslexic and has an, ahem, low frustration threshold so he doesn't like to persevere when things are difficult (and a lot of things just really ARE difficult for him). He's not artistic, musical, or athletic, but he draws really funny comics. We are trying to boost his confidence in this area because he really needs a hobby besides Legos and video games! He's a struggling reader and writer, but comics are a good way for him to express himself. It's too bad puzzle solving isn't really a hobby like dance or soccer, because that's a big strength of his ... I don't think he has the sticktoitiveness to solve a Rubik's cube in ten seconds. :tongue_smilie:

[Soror]

My son enjoys being active but isn't very good at it either. I feel bad for him though as he is a bit socially awkward. Not like he is over licking the wall, he loves talking to other kids, but doesn't seem to fit in socially as fast as my daughter who is the type everyone naturally loves. I haven't done team sports with either of them, I don't think it is really their thing, but that isn't important to me. Being active, yes, he did swim last year and did well at that, well enough anyway.

[Lolly]

Yes, I do. Unfortunately, she is twin sister to the golden child who finds easy success in everything. At 16 she still sometimes asks, "but what is MY thing?" People can say that there will be something that she will shine in, but the hard fact is that there may not be. She has learned to work extremely hard. She is really good at applying herself and sticking with it. For your son and snowboarding, could you try some private lessons next time instead of sticking him in a class? That way he won't be sitting on the ground eating snow.

[Renee in NC]

Often kids with gross or fine motor skills issues will be reluctant or delayed in things like riding a bike, buttoning shirts, etc. If you're seeing quite a lot of struggling it might be worth having an OT assessment done.

 

:iagree: We realized that something was not quite right when ds played soccer on a competitive team when he was 8. The lack of physical coordination was striking - it was the first time we realized that he couldn't do two things at once.

 

When he had his OT evaluation done, he scored at the absolute bottom for motor planning and motor coordination. These are both important in athletics *and* academic areas. He did have OT for 3 months and there were definite improvements, but he had to stop then due to insurance issues.

[Heather in Neverland]

I have one ds who is super athletic and one who is anything but. :D We choose to focus on making thier strengths even stronger rather than focusing on making their weaknesses...um...less weak?

 

We could push our oldest ds into every sport imaginable, make him suffer through practices and embarass himself at games until he leaves home, but he will NEVER be a star athlete. OR we can focus on what he IS good at (music, computers, math) and help him become GREAT at it.

 

We have tried both approaches and everyone is happier when we go with the latter. :tongue_smilie:

[Blueridge]

... My husband was always naturally athletic though, so he's really frustrated with this...

 

:grouphug: I can understand your struggle with this. May I gently suggest that the issue may also be with your husband and his expectations? We parents often have to deal with our own pride when looking at our children and their successes and failures. I certainly have. Here are just a few verses that you might consider sharing with him.

 

"Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand."

Romans 14:1-4

“For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7b

“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

Psalm 139:14

“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

 

 

I pray for peace and encouragement for you as you patiently wait for His perfect plan to unfold~

[SquirrellyMama]

I don't know.. I think that we need to teach him that he has to try his best - in such a way that he is still confident with who he is.

 

Sports may not be the way to go with this child to accomplish this. Trying your best is great but if you always fail even while trying your best you may not gain confidence. He might eventually get snowboarding but maybe he won't.

 

I think you are right to look at his talents. Maybe that will boost his confidence enough to help him in physical sports.

 

Kelly

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes. It is especially hard when his younger siblings begin to pass him up in skill. My 8yob still can't ride a bike or swim or do a number of things. He can, atleast, kick a soccer ball well. :)

[Catwoman]

I just feel like this is such a hard thing. We want to teach him to work hard and do his best, but at the same time, we need to accept him for who he is. I was also one of those kids who struggled with things (learning to ski was a miserable experience - but I continued to try it year after year). My husband was always naturally athletic though, so he's really frustrated with this.

 

My only question is whether or not Noah wants to do things like snowboarding, or if he's only doing them to please you or his father. If he's just not into athletic activities, let it go. Who cares if he's a great athlete? He'll eventually play the sports he wants to play, and be decent enough at them to have some fun with friends. Most of the "super athletic" kids aren't going to the pros, either, so ultimately, what's the big deal if a kid isn't athletic?

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

We 'made' him learn how to ride a bike (by taking his video game away).

 

I don't know.. I think that we need to teach him that he has to try his best - in such a way that he is still confident with who he is.

 

Honestly, and I'll try to say this as gently as I can, but I can't fathom why you would "make" him learn to ride the bike -- and taking his video game away to do it seems pretty harsh to me.

 

I think you need to take a long, hard look at your expectations for this child, and then really try to see what is best for him. Not what's best for your athletic husband, not what was best so you and your dh wouldn't be embarrassed when your 7 yo ds couldn't ride a bike, but what is really and truly what's best for Noah.

 

Why should he have to try his best to do things he doesn't really want to do? We're not talking about important life skills here; we're talking about sports and athletic activities. Maybe your dh's thing is basketball or football, but that doesn't mean that Noah's thing can't be chess or stamp collecting. I admire you for wanting to be sure that he is confident in himself, but I'm just thinking that perhaps his confidence will be better-developed in other areas.

 

Cat

Edited December 31, 2010 by Catwoman

[LibraryLover]

He's 8. Eight. VIII.

 

Everyone has their gifts. He needs to be whoever he is. You know he is more than a ski lesson. :001_smile:

[K&Rs Mom]

Honestly, and I'll try to say this as gently as I can, but I can't fathom why you would "make" him learn to ride the bike -- and taking his video game away to do it seems pretty harsh to me.

 

 

I (respectfully) disagree. It may have taken some time & effort, but I bet he was super proud of himself once he mastered it. That kind of feeling, making an effort and seeing the payoff, is going to be great for a kid who struggles. It makes the next effort seem worth it, and can help them practice perseverance, which they need more than the kids who get things easily. Taking away food or shelter would have been harsh, but any kid can live without a video game for a month. ;)

 

To the OP, keep looking for his talents, and keep helping him learn things even if they're hard. Did he enjoy the snowboard lesson, even if dh didn't think he benefited? Then it's worth it. If you have to drag him there kicking & screaming, it's probably not.

[Catwoman]

I (respectfully) disagree. It may have taken some time & effort, but I bet he was super proud of himself once he mastered it. That kind of feeling, making an effort and seeing the payoff, is going to be great for a kid who struggles. It makes the next effort seem worth it, and can help them practice perseverance, which they need more than the kids who get things easily. Taking away food or shelter would have been harsh, but any kid can live without a video game for a month. ;)

 

I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't just wait until he really wanted to learn to ride the bike. What's the rush? Why would you force the issue? And if you had to threaten to take away a favorite toy or game, wouldn't that indicate that the child wasn't that interested in learning to ride the bike at that time?

 

Perhaps I'm misinterpreting the OP's post, but she said they "made" him learn by taking away his video game, and that makes it seem as though the parents were the ones who wanted him to learn to ride the bike, and that it wasn't the child's idea.

 

Cat

[K&Rs Mom]

I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't just wait until he really wanted to learn to ride the bike. What's the rush? Why would you force the issue? And if you had to threaten to take away a favorite toy or game, wouldn't that indicate that the child wasn't that interested in learning to ride the bike at that time?

 

Perhaps I'm misinterpreting the OP's post, but she said they "made" him learn by taking away his video game, and that makes it seem as though the parents were the ones who wanted him to learn to ride the bike, and that it wasn't the child's idea.

 

Cat

 

I think this is where it becomes a personal thing for each family. I'm not the OP, so can't speak for their timeline, but I hate seeing kids over about 6yo with training wheels. It's just a personal preference, and one of my closest friends is on the other side of this (her 8.5yo still isn't steady on 2 wheels, and he & parents are fine with that). Here, when they outgrow the tiny size bike they don't get training wheels on the new, bigger one, so they either learn to ride without or just don't ride. Both my dd's learned last spring - one was 7.5 and didn't ride at all the summer before, and one was 5.5 and wanted to keep up with big sis. So we kinda "force" it, but it's still not going to happen unless the child is ready. Back to the original topic, some kids just need a little push into physical things - my dh was this kind of kid, and I can see it in my older dd to some degree - and once they get that push they end up enjoying themselves and feeling confident, even though they're probably never going to be a "star" at that sport like those to whom it comes naturally.

 

Wow, that's really rambling. Sorry!

[Catwoman]

Both my dd's learned last spring - one was 7.5 and didn't ride at all the summer before, and one was 5.5 and wanted to keep up with big sis. So we kinda "force" it, but it's still not going to happen unless the child is ready.

 

I think that's fine; I think my main objection to the bike situation was that the OP said that she did this:

 

We 'made' him learn how to ride a bike (by taking his video game away).

 

It sounded like a "learn this... or else" kind of thing.

 

Cat

[Barry Goldwater]

One thing that we've realized today is that we really need to figure out what his real strengths and interests are. He is a very bright kid. He's very sensitive and perceptive. He likes to make people happy. And he likes legos & video games. But I'm not quite sure what his talents are.

 

Sounds like a lot of kids I know. He sounds like a great kid!

 

These attributes ARE strengths! He could become:

 

A scientist

A counselor

A minister

An entertainer

An engineer

A salesman

A life coach

A great husband

A great dad

 

or a million other things I can't think of, that require these skills...

 

Practical point for your DH...he's too young to say, 'he's no good at XYZ' IMHO...he's just 8...We've had a couple of 'late bloomers' in the family when it comes to athletics, and sometimes it's just a matter of finding the proper match for the child...

 

Hesitant to 'go here,' but I feel like taking a chance, in the most charitable spirit I can muster...As your siggy suggests (pastor's family) he will be scrutinized even more than most kids. As all kids do, he'll need to feel 'ok the way he is' to his family. I hope DH cultivates that atmosphere for the dear boy; if DS is truly concerned with others' happiness, he'll feel a lot of pressure to live up to Dad's ambitions for him.

 

Good luck :)

[regentrude]

My son is a talented rock climber, swims, hikes, is very coordinated - and did not learn to ride his bike until he was almost TEN years old. He simply did not want to. Period. (Yes, we tried encouraging, bribing etc)

Once he had made up his mind, it took him 30 minutes, and then he was ready to go on a ride on the public bike path.

 

I have learned time and time again that he will not learn anything until HE wants it. So, the fact that an 8 y/o does not know how to ride a bike does NOT necessarily mean that he does not want to make an effort and try new things or that he is not good at physical things - it may just that he is not (yet) interested in this particular skill.

[Joyofsixreboot]

One of mine struggles in everything~physical, school work, dexterity , everything. Still love him though.

[lulubelle]

My oldest ds is like this. I watch him in swim class and I just don't get what he is doing. He never pays attention to the teacher and is constantly pretending he is in some kind of under water battle. It has been this way for 3 years! I let him take about 6 months off of swim class to give us all a break and it was a big mistake. He forgot everything he had managed to learn! While most kids at the rec center are 2 or 3 levels ahead of him at his age - it will just take ds much longer! I've started to put extra time into teaching him the strokes at home and that helps, but it's more time. He just needs more time with everything! With school work and any extra curricular activity. I was convinced he was ADHD or Asperger's and recently had him tested. He is boarder line, but nothing too outright. He is very bright and his processing speed is average - this apparently slows him down.

 

It is very important to my dh to make sure ds has a physical outlet. Dh was the same kid and had nothing and no one to push him. So, we decided about 3 years ago that karate would be a good sport for him. Dh just started to put lots of extra time into reviewing all his karate several days a week. It has made a huge difference in his ability to learn the new routines every few months. Ds is not so easy to actually do the extra time, but Dh is loving and inviting and manages to get him involved. Karate has been great. He has to go at least 3x a week to really start to get some of the moves though. He needs high repetition to learn. It is just who he is. We feel that we understand him and try to be behind him 100%. Not sure how that we unfold down the road, but eventually we will try to plan to transition him to be more independent - if it is possible. There are definitely some sports that he just may not be able to do.

[Renee in NC]

One of mine struggles in everything~physical, school work, dexterity , everything. Still love him though.

 

Yep, I have two of those myself. One will get music lessons as soon as we can afford it (he shows talent) and the other will probably work with old people - he really connects with them in some way that I can't describe. I can't imagine life without them and they will still make a difference in this world, despite their disabilities.

[JessReplanted]

I (respectfully) disagree. It may have taken some time & effort, but I bet he was super proud of himself once he mastered it. That kind of feeling, making an effort and seeing the payoff, is going to be great for a kid who struggles. It makes the next effort seem worth it, and can help them practice perseverance, which they need more than the kids who get things easily.

 

Absolutely. He wanted to be able to ride a bike, but he thought he just 'couldn't' do it. Using the video game as a motivator really worked for him. And once he could really ride his bike, he was so excited. And it has been a great example of a time when he persevered and succeeded - we have talked about it often.

[JessReplanted]

Thanks for all of the replies. We are home now and the tension of the moment has definitely been diffused. I had several conversations with my husband and also conveniently joined my Dad in the conversation so my hubby could hear about my experiences as a child (it took me years to learn how to ski).

 

My husband realized that he had been too hard on Noah, and apologized. He told Noah that if he really does want to learn how to snowboard, then he will help him. We are going to get Noah his own snowboard, so that the two of them can work on things here at home - beginning with the basic things (like strapping in).

 

This ski/snowboarding issue is a little more complicated than other sports because it is something we do as a family. At least once during the year, my dad takes all of us on a ski trip. We meet up with extended family that we don't see at any other time. All of the kids take lessons until they are comfortable. We don't expect anyone to be a rock star skier - abilities in our family range from those who enjoy double diamonds to those who prefer only 'greens' - but it is something that we expect our kids to try.

 

My parents put me in ski school year after year. I was so terrible, and I did not enjoy skiing at all. Finally, when I was in high school, it all clicked and I began to enjoy skiing. Now, even though I'm not a great skier, I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to learn how to do it.

[Renee in NC]

Absolutely. He wanted to be able to ride a bike, but he thought he just 'couldn't' do it. Using the video game as a motivator really worked for him. And once he could really ride his bike, he was so excited. And it has been a great example of a time when he persevered and succeeded - we have talked about it often.

 

I have a child who has to be externally motivated to do new things, too, so I can definitely understand having to "push" him to do something he wants to do, but thinks that he can't.

 

Perseverence is a very valuable trait.