Need another perspective on yard sale etiquette (long post-sorry)

[runmiarun]

I detest holding yard sales but am holding a multi-family one this weekend. I invited fellow members of my local MOMS club to join in since around here "multi-family" guarantees people will actually show up to look and perchance purchase. I received an email today from one of the ladies in the group who will be dropping her 15 year old stepdaughter off, along with her items, Saturday morning for the yard sale. The mom has other meetings to attend that day and can't participate herself. I emailed back letting her know she was welcome to attend to sell instead of her stepdaughter. She responded with surprise that I didn't think her daughter capable of participating in the yard sale. I reminded her that the yard sale was open to club members, not their children since children are not considered members of the club by the bylaws. I received a very rudely worded response that her daughter was trying to help support her family and I was not helping them support their family as members in good standing of this club are expected to do. After another discussion on this with dh, I decided not to respond to her last email.

 

I have several issues with her responses:

1-I don't know her 15 year old stepdaughter. I've never met her.

2-She is a very troubled girl with a history of running away at any opportunity where her parents are not present or able to keep tabs on her.

3-The girl could not be picked up until later in the afternoon, several hours after the yard sale was over.

4-The mother didn't ask if it was ok to send her stepdaughter in her place, she decided this was best for them.

 

 

Please share your yard sale etiquette/wisdom/knowledge. I am starting to wonder if I am completely out of line with my response to her. Please, no tomatoes. My garden is full already.

[OrganicAnn]

I think it is your yard, your sale, etc you can set the rules you want.

[Kirch]

IMO, you handled it just fine, especially given the background story. And what did she expect her dd to do for the time between the end of the sale and when she could be picked up???

[regentrude]

Unless this girl really is a troublemaker, I see no problem with h the mom sending her teenage kid to do a yard sale. Why is it an issue about your club if it's your club member's stuff that is being sold?

I would have requested that transportation arrangements be made to pick up the girl when the sale is finished.

Would you have refused her if she wanted to send her husband to help - who probably is not a club member either?

[kalanamak]

I think it is your yard, your sale, etc you can set the rules you want.

 

:iagree:But keep in mind some she may be snooty in future, and may talk smack about you to other members. Unfortunately.

[Scuff]

I think a 15yo could handle a sale just fine and could be a big help. Or not. I'd resent being volunteered to babysit. She should have asked.

[Julie in CA]

Well, I would have thought it was ok to send my 15yo in my place, but my 15yo's have been super-responsible, and I definitely would have made arrangements to pick up the kid (and stuff that didn't sell) at the right time. Her rudeness though, that would push me over the edge were I in your place. Sorry you have had to deal with it. :grouphug:

[simka2]

Unless this girl really is a troublemaker, I see no problem with h the mom sending her teenage kid to do a yard sale. Why is it an issue about your club if it's your club member's stuff that is being sold?

I would have requested that transportation arrangements be made to pick up the girl when the sale is finished.

Would you have refused her if she wanted to send her husband to help - who probably is not a club member either?

 

 

:iagree:I tend to agree with this. I think you have every right to do what you want...but, I personally would not have had a problem with this. I'm not saying that I agree with her not asking if her daughter could stay in her stead. I would have welcomed the help of a 15yr old.

[milovany]

Having one of our older kids work in my stead at a yard sale would be something I'd consider if I had other things going that day. I would have called to check on the idea, but would have been surprised if I were told "no." Both our 16yos and 14yod could easily handle this -- and probably our 12yod as well. Agreeing that arrangements for pick up at the appropriate time would be made.

 

Perhaps you can give the mom the benefit of the doubt -- she was probably frustrated more than rude. (Maybe?)

 

Just some thoughts ....

[fhjmom]

My issue would have been with her assuming that she could send the 15 YO in her place. Quite frankly, if the invitation was extended to club members, then it was quite rude of her to make arrangements to send someone else in her place without talking with you first.

 

While some 15 YO's might be very responsible and actually be a big help at such a sale, others might be more of a bother and stress than it is worth. It's hard to know, but I hate yard sales so much that I would not want any other potential issue to arise that might have been avoided from the get-go. I don't blame you for being upset and not wanting to have to be responsible for someone else's minor child, especially since she even imposed beyond the sale by not making arrangements to even pick her up on time.

[Melissa in FL]

I wouldn't have had a problem with a 15 yr old running her stepmom's table at the garage sale. Unless this problem childs problems have to do with hurting younger children, I see it as harmless. I also wouldn't have brought the whole "membership" idea into it. This doesn't sound like a "MOMS club" event, it's just a garage sale that you invited the members to participate in.

 

What I would have problems with is no one picking her and all their leftover garage sale items up after the garage sale. I would of told her that if she wanted to participate she needed to find a way to gets step daughter and their stuff out of your yard after the sale was over. That's the part of your story that makes it sound like the mom just wants to take advantage. I'm assuming you are doing the advertising, signs and setting up. Not to mention opening your home for everyone to sell their stuff. It's rude of her to just assume you will move her stuff to a safe location at your home and welcome her daughter into your home until someone can come get her. To me that's the yard sale etiquette she's breaking!

Just my opinion.

Melissa

[amydavis]

We just did a long yard sale over the holiday weekend. My dd14 handled a lot of the work, if not most of it. I was inside and she stayed outside to manage things and handle the transactions. I had given her guidelines on prices, when and how to haggle, etc. She was fine. So, I can see why the mom may have been upset. I would feel like my dd could handle things fine if I needed her to substitute for me.

[alpidarkomama]

Based on your whole e-mail I definitely would say you were not out of line. Good for you for making things clear!

[Heather in WI]

I think she should have asked if it was okay to have her 15 yo sell their items in her place. Also, I think someone should pick the child up earlier than "a few hours" after it is scheduled to end.

 

But, I do think you're being a tad unreasonable. You wanted more items for more business ... they were providing more items plus a person to sell them. In my experience, people usually want you to do all the work and hand over their $ at the end!

[Parrothead]

I'd have to email this woman back and tell her point blank that you will not be responsible for the safety and well being of this girl.

 

Is she a cutter? Is she suicidal? Already they know she runs away. And they are leaving her at loose ends for several hours after the event? Are you expected to babysit? Were you asked to babysit? If she is left at your house she will be you responsibility and your liability if she does something to herself.

 

IMHO this young lady can be welcome at the event, but she needs to be accompanied by a responsible parent or guardian.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Parrothead

[vonfirmath]

The things that would concern me: It is not this lady's daughte.r It is her stepdaughter. Who the OP doesn't know and will feel responsible for since there is no guardian on the premises for her.

 

Even the person whose 14 year old ran the yard sale, you did not go off and leave her there -- you were just inside the house.

 

It is the going off and leaving this girl in someone else's guardianship without giving them a say-so. (And the OP does not know if daughter even wants to do it. SD could be being forced by something she does not want and not cooperative at all)

 

I assume what OP knows about said Sd is because of comments this mom made about her

 

(Oh and we've had bad history with a stepmom/stepkid relationship among friends of ours. Definite favoritism going on. Leaving the stepkid alone but not the biological, etc.)

 

I would not be comfortable with this situation, but it has nothing to do with who is the member of the club.

[jujsky]

My only problem would be the fact that the girl would not be picked up for several hours after the sale. That sort of puts you in a position where you're left to entertain her after the sale. What if you had plans? It's assuming an awful lot on that mom's part.

[Miss Sherry]

She should have asked you if her stepdaughter could come in her place, not inform you. The maturity of 15 year old girls varies widely. She may be mature enough to handle it, or she may not be. Also, since you know they have been having problems with this 15 year old, such as running away, I think it is completely reasonable that you do not want to have her left at the yard sale without an adult from her family there in charge of her. Another problem with this is that she will not be picked up until hours after the yard sale is over. That's ridiculous. Did they even bother to ask you if you had other plans or wanted to be able to be spontaneous about coming and going during that time. I think that woman was rude to you and very presumptuous. I wouldn't allow her to leave the 15 year old because of the behavioral problems she's had, such as running away, and also because they wouldn't be picking her up hours past the end of the yard sale.

 

If it were someone's 15 year old who I knew, and I knew she was responsible and had a good attitude, that would be different. Than I would welcome her.

[keptwoman]

Your yard and yard sale, but frankly I think you are being rather unreasonable. I'd be mad if I felt like I had to babysit, but really, a 15 year old can't handle something like this? And then you say you don't know her and never met her, but that she has a troubled past. So either you know her or you don't know her. Really, would it kill you to be a little more flexible? It is a yard sale. There will be other people there. You won't be alone in a dark ally with her.

 

Sorry, I guess I'm just not getting the "problem" here.

:iagree:

[runmiarun]

Thanks for the responses. I really did need to hear other perspectives. Many of you brought things to light I hadn't thought of, especially since I don't have a 15 year old and am lost in knowing what they can/can't handle. DH and I will be talking more about this today based on things y'all have mentioned. In hindsight, I should have put more of my expectations into the original mass email to the group rather than assuming we were all on the same page. D'oh to me. Given that we will be hopefully having more people around and if the mom will come get her and the stuff, I can reconsider my stance after talking to the mom and getting a better idea of the daughter.

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't want an unknown teen at my house for the first time at a yard sale when she's going to be so busy.

 

Course, the only teens I can stand to be around are my own, and a very, very small list of some friend teens.

[Danestress]

if this is a club sponsored activity.

 

If it's just you inviting people to participate in a sale that you have privately planned for and arranged, than I don't think I would use "who is officially a member" as the rule. I think if it's you planning your own sale, then you need to be honest about why YOU are comfortable or not comfortable with an arrangement. And ultimately, if it's your sale, then all that matters is what your comfort level is.

 

I might just send her an email and say, "Here are my concerns" and then share them ... for example "...... will someone pick her up when she's done and not when it's convenient 2 hours later?" But only if you are actually willing to change your stance. If you aren't, then don't engage in that discussion.

 

I don't think that sending a 15 year old is in anyway implying that you are the babysitter unless this child has a serious disability. At 15, I could have managed all of this just fine and sold your stuff too, managed my own transportation home, and just basically handled myself. I'm thinking about the 15 year old girls I know, and any one of them would be absolutely fine doing this - including the ones that are sometimes a problem for their parents in terms of rebellion.

 

To me, this seems like an opportunity to do what we really most need to do for our teens - allow them to function as grownups when the risks are not too high. We treat them like they are incompetent children, when we ought to be giving them more responsibility, more challenge, more opportunities to participate in adult life. My sister was such a little "run away" girl at that age, but NICE, smart, and probably would have entertained your young children, sold items for a good price, and made friends doing it.

[hillfarm]

IMO the problem here is not whether the 15yo in question (or 15yo's in general) can handle a yard sale. It is first the presumption of the parent that a substitute was acceptable without asking. Secondly, regardless of the maturity of a 15yo, they are still technically a child and someone needs to be responsible for them. By consenting to having her dropped off, there is the implication that the op would be that responsible person--at a time when she would probably be completely distracted with handling the sale. And finally, what an imposition to expect for the child and the stuff to just sit there at someone else's house for several hours after the sale!

 

I think the op handled things fine and too bad if the other mother doesn't like it. My house, my sale, my rules. Regarding whether she would have accepted the dh instead, perhaps so. He would not be the op's responsibility and he could have packed up the unsold stuff in his car and taken it and himself home after the sale. However, if no one mentioned the switch and if he was just dropped off and would have had to hang out for several hours waiting for his dw to come get him and the stuff, then IMO that would have been an imposition also.

 

I get so weary of all the rudeness and inconsideration these days. One person's convenience does not automatically justify someone else's inconvenience. And then to get huffy when someone refuses to allow their imposition adds insult to injury.

Edited September 8, 2010 by hillfarm

[Miss Sherry]

IMO the problem here is not whether the 15yo in question (or 15yo's in general) can handle a yard sale. It is first the presumption of the parent that a substitute was acceptable without asking. Secondly, regardless of the maturity of a 15yo, they are still technically a child and someone needs to be responsible for them. By consenting to having her dropped off, there is the implication that the op would be that responsible person--at a time when she would probably be completely distracted with handling the sale. And finally, what an imposition to expect for the child and the stuff to just sit there at someone else's house for several hours after the sale!

 

I think the op handled things fine and too bad if the other mother doesn't like it. My house, my sale, my rules. Regarding whether she would have accepted the dh instead, perhaps so. He would not be the op's responsibility and he could have packed up the unsold stuff in his car and taken it and himself home after the sale. However, if no one mentioned the switch and if he was just dropped off and would have had to hang out for several hours waiting for his dw to come get him and the stuff, then IMO that would have been an imposition also.

 

I get so weary of all the rudeness and inconsideration these days. One person's convenience does not automatically justify someone else's inconvenience. And then to get huffy when someone refuses to allow their imposition adds insult to injury.

 

 

 

I agree with this. Just assuming that someone shouldn't mind if you drop off your underage child for a yard sale and then leaving them there for hours afterward's is so inconsiderate and rude. It is not up to others to give your child "growing up" opportunities at the expense of their time. Some teenagers are a joy to have around. Others, not so much.

[Miss Sherry]

..........

 

To me, this seems like an opportunity to do what we really most need to do for our teens - allow them to function as grownups when the risks are not too high. We treat them like they are incompetent children, when we ought to be giving them more responsibility, more challenge, more opportunities to participate in adult life......

I don't think the OP is looking for opportunities to raise other people's teens. It takes enough time to raise your own. If parents want to give their teens a chance to do some "growing up" by running a yard sale, that can be done at their own home - rather than forcing them on someone else to do the job for them. Another aspect of being "grown up" is respecting the boundaries of others. I don't think assuming that she should be able to inform the OP that she will be leaving her teen at the OP's home for hours after the yard sale is done is very indicative that the Mom is "grown up" yet herself. With the Mom of the teen being such an imposing person, I would expect similar behavior from the teen daughter and would not be looking forward to having her over all day.

[keptwoman]

I don't think the OP is looking for opportunities to raise other people's teens. It takes enough time to raise your own. If parents want to give their teens a chance to do some "growing up" by running a yard sale, that can be done at their own home - rather than forcing them on someone else to do the job for them.

I think the point is that the Stepmom is not asking the OP to raise the child, she is sending the child as an independent person. My only issue is the 2 hours afterwards, but if it were my kids, they'd make their own way home.

[Catwoman]

IMO the problem here is not whether the 15yo in question (or 15yo's in general) can handle a yard sale. It is first the presumption of the parent that a substitute was acceptable without asking. Secondly, regardless of the maturity of a 15yo, they are still technically a child and someone needs to be responsible for them. By consenting to having her dropped off, there is the implication that the op would be that responsible person--at a time when she would probably be completely distracted with handling the sale. And finally, what an imposition to expect for the child and the stuff to just sit there at someone else's house for several hours after the sale!

 

I think the op handled things fine and too bad if the other mother doesn't like it. My house, my sale, my rules. Regarding whether she would have accepted the dh instead, perhaps so. He would not be the op's responsibility and he could have packed up the unsold stuff in his car and taken it and himself home after the sale. However, if no one mentioned the switch and if he was just dropped off and would have had to hang out for several hours waiting for his dw to come get him and the stuff, then IMO that would have been an imposition also.

 

I get so weary of all the rudeness and inconsideration these days. One person's convenience does not automatically justify someone else's inconvenience. And then to get huffy when someone refuses to allow their imposition adds insult to injury.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I think the OP should leave things as they stand, and if the mom really wants to participate in the yard sale, she should show up with the 15 year-old and they should work together at their table. Why should the OP feel even slightly guilty about having said no to having an unsupervised potential runaway at her yard sale, and then having to babysit the girl for hours after the sale is over? She doesn't even know this girl!

 

And I keep coming back to the fact that this teen has a history of running away. The OP would be a nervous wreck all day, trying to run the sale while keeping an eye on this girl (whom she doesn't even know or care about; apparently, she's not even close friends with the stepmom.) If this girl runs away while she's "working" at the yard sale, the OP could be held responsible. Why should the OP be made to feel guilty because she doesn't want to deal with this 15 year-old and her pushy stepmom?

 

Cat

[secular_mom]

It's your home, it doesn't sound like a 'club' yard sale, but rather a neighborhood sale that you've invited certain people to participate in with you. I would not be happy if I invited specific people to an event and then have then send someone else in their place. I'd WANT to have the people I know and enjoy spending time with participate, and if they'd like to invite someone else along it's only right to ASK the host/ess if that's okay.

It's really not okay to send a child to an event without prior consent of the host/ess, especially without a guardian.

In the future just be more specific, "I am inviting Mary, Jane, Jill and Kate to participate in our neighborhood yard sale". Seems silly that it's necessary, but in this day and age it IS necessary.

[Trish]

Maybe with her "troubled history" this is a sign of her handling responsibility and trying to be a good person? I'd hate to think someone is already labeled "Not Good Enough For Yard Sale Duty" at 15!

 

Unless you think she's coming to just cause trouble or steal stuff.

 

It might be kind to give this girl (and family) a break.

 

But bottom line is it's your decision, your yard!

[Miss Sherry]

I think the point is that the Stepmom is not asking the OP to raise the child, she is sending the child as an independent person. My only issue is the 2 hours afterwards, but if it were my kids, they'd make their own way home.

This part writtenby keptwoman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not think the stepmom is asking the OP to raise the child either. However when the following was said by Danestress, regarding giving our teens opportunities to function as adults, I felt that the OP should not be expected to give someone elses teen adult opportunities. Leave that up to their own parents.

This part written by Miss Sherry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Originally Posted by Danestress

..........

 

"To me, this seems like an opportunity to do what we really most need to do for our teens - allow them to function as grownups when the risks are not too high. We treat them like they are incompetent children, when we ought to be giving them more responsibility, more challenge, more opportunities to participate in adult life......"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

 

What opportuity - the OP"s yard sale ? I just do not agree that the OP should be expected to be giving opportunities to other parents to provide experiences so their teen can grow up - especially when the other parent does not intend to be responsible enough to pick up their own child on time.

This part written by Miss Sherry

 

Edited September 9, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[keptwoman]

But it IS the parent giving the teen that opportunity. My take is that the OP is not required to "babysit" or even supervise the child, they are being sent as an independent person.

[Miss Sherry]

But it IS the parent giving the teen that opportunity. My take is that the OP is not required to "babysit" or even supervise the child, they are being sent as an independent person.

Since this is a 15 year old who is known for being in trouble, such as running away from home, and the OP is not comfortable having her at the yard sale without the parent present,so then in this situation, I think it is requiring too much from the OP. The teen will also not be picked up until hours after the yard sale is over. When a teen is so troubled and immature that they are running away than, yes, they do need supervision. Some teens can work like an adult without supervision. Some are like having a young child around.

 

If the parent IS providing the opportunity, than they would be doing all of the work of setting up the yard sale, being present to run it, advertising for it, having change available for customers, putting everything away when it is over, taking down any signs that were put up, and cleaning up any messes that were made. I don't think the stepmom is doing those things. The person doing all of that is the one providing the opportunity of having a yard sale.

 

I think if it were a teen of someone the OP was close to, and she didn't have reservations about the teens behavior due to the trouble she has been in,there probably wouldn't be an issue about it. But it is not a teen that she is comfortable with having over without a parent.

I believe a lot of teens are responsible and can get as much work done as an adult. The OP is not comfortable that that is the case with this particular teen, is the impression I am getting. But I don't think she should have to give a whole lot of explanation to the stepmom. The OP didn't invite the teen.

 

editing to add: I hope I did not confuse things. My head has been so foggy today due to sinus problems that I can barely think. I may have been misunderstanding some of the things others have said. sometimes I say more than I need to because I don't think I am saying it very well to begin with. But I don't really feel it is a huge issue one way or the other whether or not the OP lets the teen come over. I just think it should be her decision and not pushed or expected by the stepmom. I'm sure the OP will figure it out.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[runmiarun]

Thanks again for all the responses. We ended up having to cancel the yard sale once we started trying to get our big items (furniture, woodworking equipment, power tools) moved into place. We evidently had more planned than the energy and available space to move them all. I think our big items multiplied while hiding in the garage and shed. I don't remember buying so much stuff and moving it into this garage.

 

After much prayer and thinking about the young girl, I realized that if I had a relationship/history with her, I would have had no problem having her be a part of the yard sale and supporting her. That said, I have never been introduced to her and would not know her if she walked up to me. I only know of her running away problems, etc, from her mass emails from her parents and local news reports. Her mother is an acquaintance but not a close friend, which I think contributed to my being shocked that she would send her daughter in her steed to the yard sale.

 

When we reschedule the yard sale, I will be more explicit in my expectations of those joining. What an interesting lesson to learn this week, on many levels.