In-laws invited themselves to join us on our vacation next week

[Oak Knoll Mom]

We leave Sunday for a week's vacation at the beach. Just my husband, boys, and me. My MIL called my DH today and said, "What do you think about your dad and me coming to the beach with you? We'll get a room at xyz hotel right by your condo." :001_huh: DH was very non-committal to her idea.

 

This vacation is something my family and I look forward to all year long. We relax, we have fun, we reconnect. Having the in-laws there will so change the dynamic. They stress me out, my MIL drives me up the wall, and my FIL is bull-headed. I guess it would be different if we planned to go to the beach with them, were splitting costs, etc. But this just feels different--it's like they're gatecrashing our vacation.

 

We can't really say no because they don't need our permission to rent a room at the nearby hotel. And we don't want to be rude if they do go down and want to see us--our relationship is not *that* strained. I just wish they didn't know when and where our vacation is going to be.

[hornblower]

OMG. :001_huh:

 

That sucks. I would hate that if it happened on our holidays. There's no polite way to get out of it, is there though?

[RanchGirl]

They want to horn in on your vacation and they're not even going to help pay for your portion, lol??? Pulleeze. "We'd love to see you guys another time, or go somewhere together another time, but we reserved this week to spend alone with the kids."

[MamaT]

Since your MIL asked your dh about "coming to the beach with you," I would take that as permission to tell them that you really need this time alone as a family. I would pitch a raging fit if my in-laws thought it was okay to crash our much needed family vacation.

[AuntieM]

Wow, that's a tough spot to be in. If my ILs did that it'd be similar; it would totally change the dynamics but there'd be no great way to say no.

 

I'm sorry they've put you in a pinch. Rather rude of them. Do they feel like they don't get to see enough of the grandkids otherwise?

[Denisemomof4]

how about a compromise?

 

"Well, we'd LOVE to see you, however this is the one time each year that we get to focus solely on each other. How about if you join us on these days?" As much as you need the time alone, your kids will ALWAYS remember their time with the grandparents. I lost my parents in the past two years. My kids talk about them All The Time. I'm so sad that they got cheated by losing their grandparents so young. My dad was 67 when he died, mom 68.

[PollyOR]

You could have them watch the kids for you and you and DH could go on a special date. Just a thought if they do come.

[homeschoolally]

how about a compromise?

 

"Well, we'd LOVE to see you, however this is the one time each year that we get to focus solely on each other. How about if you join us on these days?" .

:iagree: I'd be ticked off too--but since you say you have a decent relationship with them--I think it would be too harsh to give an absolute no.

 

Can you schedule the days (or DAY if you get lucky) at the end of your visit? Maybe you could 'unexpectedly' head down a day or two 'earlier' than they're expecting if you don't get too specific about your schedule.

 

Sorry--that must be frustrating. Hope it works out!

[Starr]

I would have them join you for a couple of days at the end or suggest another time. We finally had a just us vacation and it was a blast.

[ma23peas]

Here is my take..

 

They're inlaws....they may not be around much longer...if you go to the beach every year, why not let them come one time? next time, just don't let them know when you're going so it'll be too hard for them to plan to go as well....make your future family outings spontaneous!

 

We just offered ( a bit different than them asking ) to take my parents on a cruise...the kids had a blast and we did too!!! I have a hard time getting along with my mom on occasion and I worried, but we really enjoyed our time together!! Plan some late nights where the kids go to bed early, invite them over for cards/yahtzee/farkle....

 

Then take advantage of them a wee bit, ask if they'll allow you and dh to go out alone one night, enjoy dinner and a stroll on the beach with just the two of you!!! This can work....take LOADS of pictures and let the memories come, remember that deep down you love them, they did raise your husband...be kind, many future beach trips will be spent where they are not able to go or are no longer there..give the kids this time..just prepare better in the future if you really don't want them going! :)

 

Tara

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Thanks for the sympathy...and so many of you had great advice. We have looked at several options such as staying an extra few days and inviting them down then, to offering to go back with them the next weekend. Nothing we could come up with was workable, though, so we're going to tell them to come on down.

 

The biggest reason DH and I said "ok" to them coming is we thought the boys would love to have their grandparents with us. The sad thing is the boys aren't even excited that they are coming. My oldest, who is not my most perceptive, said, "Daddy will have to spend all his time talking to Grandma and Grandpa and won't be able to play with us in the pool." :crying: (And it's pretty much the truth.)

[AuntieM]

The sad thing is the boys aren't even excited that they are coming. My oldest, who is not my most perceptive, said, "Daddy will have to spend all his time talking to Grandma and Grandpa and won't be able to play with us in the pool." :crying: (And it's pretty much the truth.)

 

Oh, no, no, no! Do not change anything you would have done! Do not plan to have to entertain the grandparents! They decided to be tag alongs and as such they do not get the best of Daddy!

 

Please do not make your plans revolve around them. You will all be miserable. If the grands want to get in the pool and join the fun, so be it. But make it very clear by your actions and attention to your kids that you value the time with your nuclear family.

 

I know you are disappointed but you don't have to throw in the towel.

:grouphug:

[MyBlueLobsters]

Oh, no, no, no! Do not change anything you would have done! Do not plan to have to entertain the grandparents! They decided to be tag alongs and as such they do not get the best of Daddy!

 

Please do not make your plans revolve around them. You will all be miserable. If the grands want to get in the pool and join the fun, so be it. But make it very clear by your actions and attention to your kids that you value the time with your nuclear family.

 

I know you are disappointed but you don't have to throw in the towel.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Parrothead]

Oh, no, no, no! Do not change anything you would have done! Do not plan to have to entertain the grandparents! They decided to be tag alongs and as such they do not get the best of Daddy!

 

Please do not make your plans revolve around them. You will all be miserable. If the grands want to get in the pool and join the fun, so be it. But make it very clear by your actions and attention to your kids that you value the time with your nuclear family.

 

I know you are disappointed but you don't have to throw in the towel.

:grouphug:

:iagree:

I'm sorry this has happened.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Oh, no, no, no! Do not change anything you would have done! Do not plan to have to entertain the grandparents! They decided to be tag alongs and as such they do not get the best of Daddy!

 

Please do not make your plans revolve around them. You will all be miserable. If the grands want to get in the pool and join the fun, so be it. But make it very clear by your actions and attention to your kids that you value the time with your nuclear family.

 

I know you are disappointed but you don't have to throw in the towel.

:grouphug:

 

Thank you! I needed to hear this! It's good to hear from people who aren't emotionally involved. Of course what you've written is what we need to do...it is just too obvious for us to see it on our own! I'll make sure my husband and I reassure the boys that we'll still be playing with them even when Grandma and Grandpa are there.

[Joker]

I haven't read all posts so please excuse me if I cover something again. Do your in-laws live nearby or far away? I wouldn't think twice about inviting my own family to tag along if my in-laws informed us they would be nearby and they would do the same. The whole reason for filling them in on where we were going would be for them to tag along if they could. We don't get to see them often so if we or them can plan a vacation near each other its just a bonus if they / we get to "tag along". If they live near you and get to see you often then I would feel imposed upon. Just try to enjoy the time your dcs get to spend with gps because they will be gone sooner than you like.

[Starr]

I don't think you have to report every minute what you have planned. Get some good strategic time in with the kids and they'll be fine. It's your dh that will have to change his pattern. His usual mom and dad visiting mode will have to be changed to focus more on the kids. I hope it works out well!

[Nakia]

Um....no.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I haven't read all posts so please excuse me if I cover something again. Do your in-laws live nearby or far away?

 

That's the problem. They only live about one hour away and can see the grandkids whenever they like. Their whole reason for coming down to the beach is so they can "play in the ocean with the grandkids." They go to the beach with their friends several times a year. They stay for free in their neighbor's beach house and never invite us to join them.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Um....no.

 

I wish it was that simple! My DH and I feel that even if *he* is the one who decides that they shouldn't come, *I'll* be the one they blame and hold a grudge against.

[Nakia]

I wish it was that simple! My DH and I feel that even if *he* is the one who decides that they shouldn't come, *I'll* be the one they blame and hold a grudge against.

 

I'm sorry, I know it's not that simple. It would be simple for me because my father in law is a pita, and I might kill him if I had to spend a week so close to him. I wasn't trying to make light of your situation. I think you guys have a valid point. Every time my dh draws a line with his dad, I get the blame. It stinks.

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you! I needed to hear this! It's good to hear from people who aren't emotionally involved. Of course what you've written is what we need to do...it is just too obvious for us to see it on our own! I'll make sure my husband and I reassure the boys that we'll still be playing with them even when Grandma and Grandpa are there.

 

Grandma and Grandpa are there because you are being kind and gracious. Don't allow that to get in the way of dh making you and the kids his ABSOLUTE priority.

[RoughCollie]

Since your MIL asked your dh about "coming to the beach with you," I would take that as permission to tell them that you really need this time alone as a family.

 

I do that -- no one is allowed to invite themselves to take a vacation with us. If we wanted them to be there, we'd have asked them during the planning stage.

 

Of course I am polite. That doesn't always work. One time my mother showed up as a surprise during the middle of one of our vacations. Naturally, I didn't hurt her feelings. My kids were very unhappy because they do not like my mother.

Edited September 1, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Oak Knoll Mom]

They're not coming! I don't know why they decided not to come, but my FIL told dh that they aren't coming. He didn't elaborate either. I'm very relieved. :001_smile:

[Luckymama]

:party:

 

(I think I would be pushed into insanity by vacationing with my inlaws. They are nice people but still. Look up "high maintenance" in the dictionary :tongue_smilie:)

[jujsky]

I agree with setting certain days to do things with them if they come. On the plus side, maybe they can watch the kids for you one evening so you and your DH can get out. My ILs did this to us once so I understand how you feel and how irritating it can be. They gave us one of their time share weeks and then decided to join us for a couple days. We couldn't really say no, but it had been a tough, tough year (my father died), the kids were small, and it was our first real family vacation, so it was less than desirable. We have purposely taken a couple of short vacations with them or invited them to come up for a couple days of our vacation since then & it's been nice. I guess I feel differently about it when it's on my terms and they're not inviting themselves along. KWIM?

[Jean in Newcastle]

They're not coming! I don't know why they decided not to come, but my FIL told dh that they aren't coming. He didn't elaborate either. I'm very relieved. :001_smile:

 

They might have heard the hesitation in his voice and reconsidered. Whatever the reason - great news!

[AuntieM]

I am glad that worked out for you! Now screen all your calls for the rest of the week!

[Starr]

That worked out. :)

[lovemyboys]

Oh, no, no, no! Do not change anything you would have done! Do not plan to have to entertain the grandparents! They decided to be tag alongs and as such they do not get the best of Daddy!

 

Please do not make your plans revolve around them. You will all be miserable. If the grands want to get in the pool and join the fun, so be it. But make it very clear by your actions and attention to your kids that you value the time with your nuclear family.

 

I know you are disappointed but you don't have to throw in the towel.

:grouphug:

 

Yes! Do what you normally do. Let them know, "hey we're headed down to the beach for the morning...." or "we're going beachcombing at sunrise" or "we're going to play mini-golf" or whatever and they're free to tag along.

 

I would also encourage them to go shopping in the little beach town, walk the boardwalk, go out to dinner, etc. alone to make the beach vacation nice for them too.

 

Definitely don't cheat your fun family activities. If you wanted to sit around and chat you could do that in your den. at home. Don't put the brakes on all your things, just include them where it makes sense. If they're more sedentary, perhaps you could meet for dinner each evening, or they could join you poolside -- to watch dh play with kids in the pool. ;)

 

Hope it'll be surprisingly better than you might be expecting.

 

:001_smile:

[lovemyboys]

That's the problem. They only live about one hour away and can see the grandkids whenever they like. Their whole reason for coming down to the beach is so they can "play in the ocean with the grandkids." They go to the beach with their friends several times a year. They stay for free in their neighbor's beach house and never invite us to join them.

 

Just saw this note which is different than I thought....

 

Since they get to the beach pretty often, I'd suggest they could join you for the last couple days so that you get some relaxed family time in the first few days. You're gearing up for another homeschool year, right? This is key for a rejuvenated mom-teacher. :D

 

That sure seems reasonable. Unless they're really active grandparents, a couple beach days with active boys should be plenty.

 

Dh could say this very nicely. It's a decent compromise.

 

:001_smile:

[Catwoman]

They're not coming! I don't know why they decided not to come, but my FIL told dh that they aren't coming. He didn't elaborate either. I'm very relieved. :001_smile:

 

:party::party::party:

 

Whew! You really dodged a bullet on that one!

 

Enjoy your vacation!!!

 

Cat

[dansamy]

I would be quite ill-tempered towards anyone who invited themselves on my vacation. That being said, I do not mind inviting people to go with us. If I want a family member to come, we invite them in the early planning stages and let them know what costs we're picking up and what they can expect to incur.

[BeckyFL]

They want to horn in on your vacation and they're not even going to help pay for your portion, lol??? Pulleeze. "We'd love to see you guys another time, or go somewhere together another time, but we reserved this week to spend alone with the kids."

 

This sounds great and very non-offensive to me.