How would you respond in your family?

[Pamela H in Texas]

Scenario as I understand it:

 

Teenage child assaulted a parent or close-in-age sibling. Child has not behaved this inappropriately since early childhood.

 

Would you:

 

1) Call police immediately

 

2) Handle discipline privately (how?) with the understanding that if there is a next time it will include police involvement

 

3) Handle discipline privately period (again, how), not willing to include police involvement, at least the first several times it may happen

 

4) Response would include physical discipline

 

5) Response would include severe/harsh punishment (though not physical)

 

6) Response would include professional help (counseling, for example) the first time.

 

7) If a pattern of such behavior happened, professional help would be warranted.

 

Would any of your answers be different if there were known stressors (such as divorce, school change, death in family, or other big stressor)?

 

ETA: Details asked for below -- say child is 15 or 16. Assault was punching in anger (left mark).

Edited May 19, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Mejane]

I think once is the charm in this instance. There would be heavy ramifications such as loss of privileges, etc, and counseling for sure. No police with the understanding that if it happened again the law would be involved.

[JudoMom]

How "teenage" are they? 13? 19?

[Danestress]

Teen pushes Dad out of the way as he storms out of the room? That would be a lesser response. Teen holds knife to Mom's neck? Calling the police. It would really depend on the nuances of what happened.

[swellmomma]

A couple thoughts on this. Ds has rages and has assaulted me several times though he is not a teenager yet I am thinking ahead. I check marked a bunch of answers. I would handle punishment privately but with the warning police involvement will occur if it happened again. I may or may not use physical punishment, it depends if you are referring to in the moment or after the fact kwim.

 

MEaning if my ds was attacking me or his siblings and I felt that I need to do something physical to stop him I would(and have), but I would not go to him later and physically punish for it kwim. He has learned already that if he attacks me I will lay him flat, but disciplne after the fact is not physical at all.

 

Therapy is a must if it is becoming a pattern (aggression as a whole not just physical either), if I knew it was tied into a major life stressor etc. If there has been a change in something like meds for ds I am less likely to call the police than in a different situation kwim.

 

A pp brought up a good point too about what the assault was. I was picturing how my ds acts in a blind rage and when I wound up with my wrist wrapped, or when he comes at me fists flying punching, kicking and biting. Not a snotty brat simply pushing past me, or chucking something across the room and near me kwim.

[LauraGB]

I really don't think a first offense, and the offense being an angry physical response, calls for calling the police. Ideally, I would handle this situation at home as an involved and loving parent (that's my job, for better or worse), get to the bottom of it and consider the kid's guilt factor when deciding on the appropriate punishment. If there appeared to be an ongoing anger issue with this child, then I would seek some counseling for him. But, as a parent, I would probably already have a heads-up if that were the case by the time the child was a middle teen.

 

I have a dear friend who got into the habit of calling the police on her son. Now, this kid has moved out (17), has a police record, and a ton of fines he needs to pay due to the several occasions the police were called to the house. Because he learned to involve the police in family disputes, he often called them on his mom when they would have an argument or he didn't get his way, to the point where someone was calling several times a month. This recorded behavior eventually cost her her job. Not a good way to start out his adult life. I don't feel his earlier behavioral issues warranted a police call as much as some serious parenting.

[cdrumm4448]

Unfortunately, my brother and his wife are in this situation right now with their 17-year-old son. He broke my brother's nose in a physical confrontation. The boy is failing school, has no job, no driver's license, no motivation, doesn't care about anyone other than himself. His parents have tried everything to get him to take advantage of his opportunities to create a good life for himself, yet he refuses. They have talked to him, punished him, tried everything they could think of, but nothing works.

 

When he turns 18 he will be ejected from their house. They have two other boys coming up and they don't want them following in their brother's footsteps.

[AuntieM]

I would need more info before selecting just one option on the poll.

 

Was this an assault on a parent, mother or father?

 

Or was it an assault on a same age teen? Brother slugging a brother with provocation, or unprovoked?

 

Big brother punching little sister?

 

Age of teen - 13 with raging hormones vs 17 and should know better?

 

There are too many variables to make a call.

[BigMamaBird]

I voted that 1) I wouldn't call the police this time, 2) that there would be harsh punishment and 3) that I'd seek professional help if it became a habit. However, I'm basing this on the assumption that the teen struck another person somehow and that no weapon was involved. However, if there were any sort of weapon or the assault were sexual in nature, my response would involve the police and professional help immediately.

[Pippen]

It would depend on 1) the reason for the inappropriate behavior during early childhood (ie neurological? developmental? mental health? other?) and 2) the nature of the assault.

[chiguirre]

Scenario as I understand it:

 

Teenage child assaulted a parent or close-in-age sibling. Child has not behaved this inappropriately since early childhood.

 

 

If it was a close in age sibling and I didn't see the whole thing, I'd assume that it was provoked. Unless it repeated, I don't think I'd do anything other than explain that the behavior was unacceptable and suggest walking away the next time. I'd also have a talk with the recipient of the punch and make sure that they know that provoking their sibling is unacceptable.

 

If it was a parent, I'd get the teen in to see a pdoc asap.

 

I wouldn't call the police unless I couldn't control the teen and someone was in physical danger.

[Parrothead]

Unfortunately, my brother and his wife are in this situation right now with their 17-year-old son. He broke my brother's nose in a physical confrontation. The boy is failing school, has no job, no driver's license, no motivation, doesn't care about anyone other than himself. His parents have tried everything to get him to take advantage of his opportunities to create a good life for himself, yet he refuses. They have talked to him, punished him, tried everything they could think of, but nothing works.

 

When he turns 18 he will be ejected from their house. They have two other boys coming up and they don't want them following in their brother's footsteps.

That type of situation I'd say it was time for the teen to get his own place too.

 

I would need more info before selecting just one option on the poll.

 

Was this an assault on a parent, mother or father?

 

Or was it an assault on a same age teen? Brother slugging a brother with provocation, or unprovoked?

 

Big brother punching little sister?

 

Age of teen - 13 with raging hormones vs 17 and should know better?

 

There are too many variables to make a call.

:iagree: I can't really make a blanket statement without more info.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I voted "other". There is simply not enough information to make a decision. WAAAY too many variables.

[Melissa in Australia]

I didn't vote,

I know a boy who when he was 14 picked his mother up and threw her across the room. it was an extremely unusual behavior for him. He realized he had stepped over the line, he has NEVER lost his temper since, and is an extremely mild tempered person since that event. people even comment on how mild tempered and placid hie is.

[Peela]

How I would respnd at the time would generally not be to call the police, for a one off, unless I felt I needed to protect myself or others, such as if the anger became very violent and was going on for quite a while, or involved weapons. A simply one off shove or hit would not warrant it, generally speaking.

 

If there was true remorse after the event, (whether that is an outright apology or obvious shame) I would also not take any further action for a one off offence.

 

If there wasn't true remorse...then chances are the event would repeat and then the behaviour is becoming a pattern. I still wouldn't resort to outside help until I had tried- with dh- to deal with what is underlying, as well as coping mechanisms- and maybe asked for help myself in how to deal with it, as well as self examination (if I was the parent involved). But after a point..yes, I would get help.

 

See, I dont even know if the adult or sibling warranted firm behaviour and the 17yo just went a little too far. By 17, a teenager might get very frustrated if being over protected, over restricted, controlled, moralised, or bullied in some way. So, it's not a black and white situation to me- I would need to know both sides including the teen's perspective.

[nono]

I voted other. Because if it were me that was punched and one of my children (when they are older) that did it, I'd do nothing. This would absolutely scare the pants off my kids, as I'm usually an immediate responder to a situation. It would drive either one of them crazy, just waiting for a response.

 

I'm reminded of a line from Cars where Lightning McQueen says something about knowing all of Doc's oldtime tricks, and Doc totally aces him out saying, "Not all my tricks, Rookie."

[Impish]

It depends.

 

Has the child been in counseling since early childhood?

 

Does the family live in fear of the boy?

 

Calling the police, and having him removed from the home might be the best thing, if there are younger sibs living in fear. If CPS finds out about it, they could remove the younger sibs, since the parents didn't protect them from the elder.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I guess I kinda thought the police idea was good, but maybe not the first time. But my brother knocked my stepmom down in frustration when he was a young teen. The police officer told my dad that if he were his kid, he'd just have beaten the tar out of him. However, the police officer took him to a juvenile facility. As far as I remember, nothing more happened other than that night there. Anyway, my brother never touched my stepmom or one of us girls again. Soooooooo.... But it is a scary proposition as you don't know what might come of it. And you certainly wouldn't want to make a child worse by over reacting when some discipline, possibly counseling, would work.

[katemary63]

If my teen had rage/ anger issues and there was some sort of crisis going on in his life, I would get him to a counselor. I would offer some grace, but still include serious consequences. If, after counseling and warning about police involvement, there was another incidence, I would call them. If I was EVER sincerely afraid for my safety or that of any family member, I'd call them. Hopefully, if anger was an issue for this kid for some time, counseling or medical care would have started long before an actual physical attack.

 

ps. How do you "physically" punish a teenager?

Edited May 20, 2010 by katemary63

[TxMama]

A lot of variables but...

 

No police

 

Discipline at home. For a 15/16 yo...pulling the drivers license or delaying getting license for 3-6 months. Maybe looking at volunteer opportunities to do as a family dealing with people who have been abused....women's shelter?

 

Counseling. maybe if there are major stressors now and the child felt he would benefit. If this becomes a pattern then definitely counseling. I would first look at options in the community.

 

Something that wasn't given as an option that I would do is a drug test. You can buy a drug testing kit at your local pharmacy and do it in the privacy of your own home.

 

I would also have a major family meeting and outline a plan of action if this situation were to occur again. I'd put it in writing and have all parties sign it so there is no confusion in the matter.

 

Best of luck to your friends!

[EmilyK]

It seems to be that if you call the police, the teen could end up with a felony on their permanent, unexpungeable record. I'm not sure why parents would want that for their child for a correctable offense. If the child has problems for which he is resisting treatment and this is part of bottoming out, maybe. But I wouldn't use police for intrafamily dispute resolution. You shouldn't call them unless you are willing to testify against the offender in court, and see the offender convicted (and possibly hurt while being arrested).I've seen too many people whose expectations were otherwise.

[katilac]

I read the edited OP, but still not enough info for me. One or two punches that left a red mark or bruise? Or multiple punches that left multiple bruises? A quick flash of anger, or a towering rage that could not be controlled?

 

A 16-yr-old boy punching his 15-yr-old brother in the midst of an argument may not be acceptable, but honestly it would barely blip on my "danger" radar (I'm assuming that close in age equals fairly close in strength and size). Doing the same thing to his mother would be a whole different story, imo.

 

I wouldn't call the police in either case, and I very much doubt I would head straight to the counselor's office for a first offense. Repeated violent behavior would of course warrant a different response. I would never call the police lightly, because the parent loses control once they take the kid in, and juvenile holding centers are physically dangerous places to be.

[ereks mom]

I read the edited OP, but still not enough info for me. One or two punches that left a red mark or bruise? Or multiple punches that left multiple bruises? A quick flash of anger, or a towering rage that could not be controlled?

 

A 16-yr-old boy punching his 15-yr-old brother in the midst of an argument may not be acceptable, but honestly it would barely blip on my "danger" radar (I'm assuming that close in age equals fairly close in strength and size). Doing the same thing to his mother would be a whole different story, imo.

 

I wouldn't call the police in either case, and I very much doubt I would head straight to the counselor's office for a first offense. Repeated violent behavior would of course warrant a different response. I would never call the police lightly, because the parent loses control once they take the kid in, and juvenile holding centers are physically dangerous places to be.

 

:iagree: especially with the part I emphasized.

[Mejane]

My brothers used to "beat on" each other all the time; they were close in age and build. They never raised a hand to my parents or to me. If the teen hit someone younger, smaller, or a woman, I'd say it's more of a concern. If this is a culmination of long-standing anger issues, I believe counseling is in order.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I responded assuming there were stressors. I would go with private discipline with the threat of police action if it happened again. This has happened to us in the past. We have taken away privileges, put more structure in the child's life, evaluated where the loss of control came from and took steps to get to the root cause. This prompted us to resume therapy with this child, not just to address the behavior, but to deal with the underlying cause.

[Laurie4b]

I read the edited OP, but still not enough info for me. One or two punches that left a red mark or bruise? Or multiple punches that left multiple bruises? A quick flash of anger, or a towering rage that could not be controlled?

 

A 16-yr-old boy punching his 15-yr-old brother in the midst of an argument may not be acceptable, but honestly it would barely blip on my "danger" radar (I'm assuming that close in age equals fairly close in strength and size). Doing the same thing to his mother would be a whole different story, imo.

 

I wouldn't call the police in either case, and I very much doubt I would head straight to the counselor's office for a first offense. Repeated violent behavior would of course warrant a different response. I would never call the police lightly, because the parent loses control once they take the kid in, and juvenile holding centers are physically dangerous places to be.

 

I agree with this. A punch that left a temporary red mark is different than a punch that leaves extensive bruising, for instance. I don't think it's all that uncommon for a teen to flail out physically, but I would not overreact to a one time event. And if it were a teenaged boy on teenaged boy offense, I would address it, but not obsess about it at all. I think that is quite common.

 

If there was truly damage done, I would probably seek counseling. I would not call the police unless the family was in danger because they are so unpredictable and you lose all control. They might be helpful or they might ruin your family's lives.

 

It's just as important not to overreact as it is not to minimize it. You really have to take the whole situation into account.