Issue with my parents and my daughter

[Guest Wendell]

Hi,

 

I'm new here. My wife and I have been having some issues with our 16 year old daughter recently and my parents and I thought this might be a good place to get some advice.

 

I should probably provide some background. My daughter has gotten in trouble several times in the last few years and it all has to do with defiance of our rules and the law. My mom and step-dad (whom I consider my real dad) live 4 houses down the street from us. They own our house and we rent from them (although recently it has been hard to pay the rent, but they are okay with that).

 

A typical scenario when our daughter gets into trouble is that they think we are being too harsh on her with punishment. As far as I know, they haven't been saying that directly to our daughter, but I do get little "hints" now and then with everyone present. My mom generally is very sweet and everyone likes her because she is "nice". She never had to use any heavy punishment on me at all because I never got into trouble nor gave her reason to punish me. I know, that sounds really odd, but I really was well behaved. To this day, she says she doesn't know how to handle any of the situations that our daughter puts us in because she has no experience with that sort of thing.

 

The most recent problem was when our daughter, who has a provisional driver's license (in Oregon, that means she cannot have anyone in the car with her who is under 25), took some friends to lunch in my stepdad's car. We found out about it and took her license away from her and her iPod Touch. This is not the first time she has given us reason to take away things that she is very fond of. This is the 3rd time the iPod has been taken away and this time we sold it. We've tried to be as nice as possible while still being firm about rules and punishment.

 

My parents on the other hand, will say things and give the pouty lip look in front of our daughter when we discuss these things. So I feel like they are undermining my wife and I without actually saying a word. This has been very difficult for us and I have a hard time confronting them on it because they have been so giving to us in recent years during hard times.

 

Tonight, our daughter told us that the grandparents offered to allow her to move in with them when she is 18. Obviously, that might not be what they actually said, but our daughter got that thought planted somehow, right? She would still be in high school when she turned 18 because her birthday is in October, so she is older than most in her class.

 

So now I'm fighting myself in my head how to deal with this situation. I have a great relationship with my parents and I can already tell you how my mom will react if I even try to nicely discuss this with her. There will be tears and she will say guilt-trippy things like, "Yeah, why listen to a dumb old bat grandma like me..."

 

This is our one and only daughter and she has made it clear that without the boundaries we give her, she'd be doing things that scare us. My parents would likely have zero rules for her and by letting her move in, it's like a slap in the face for my wife and I...

 

Just wondering if anyone out there has had similar experiences and how they handled it. I would truly appreciate any advice and/or comments anyone has about this.

 

Thank you in advance for your help.

 

Wendell

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unfortunately when she is 18, she can do as she likes. You still have 2 years to work with her though. My advice is to keep up the consequences which seem fair even though they are strict. What are you and your wife doing to build up your relationship to her, to direct her toward good choices? Those things are even more important than the consequences.

[myfunnybunch]

I have a great relationship with my parents and I can already tell you how my mom will react if I even try to nicely discuss this with her. There will be tears and she will say guilt-trippy things like, "Yeah, why listen to a dumb old bat grandma like me..."

 

This isn't a great relationship. It's a manipulative one. As long as you do not talk openly with your parents about your daughter, she is able to create an open triangle with herself at the apex controlling the information your parents get. If the adults in her life start communicating, you've got a better chance of everyone being on the same page.

 

Beyond that, once she's 18 there's nothing you can do about where she lives.

 

Do you have other children you homeschool? Just curious about what brought you to this forum in particular. :)

 

Cat

[Guest Wendell]

Unfortunately when she is 18, she can do as she likes.

Yes, that is the part that bothers us the most. But it seems like such a stab in the back if she moves in with my parents. I know they don't mean it that way, but that is the way I take it.

 

What are you and your wife doing to build up your relationship to her, to direct her toward good choices?

We have always tried to tell her what is right and actually my parents have done the same. It is the underlying message that they give to her (and us) without actually saying it literally. Know what I mean?

 

We've always encouraged her to do the right thing and to make good choices. For the most part, she does. It could be a lot worse. My fear is that it WILL be worse when she is 18. I know it is out of my control for the most part at that point, but I still cannot get over the nausea of how "easy" she'll have it at the parents' house. I had it easy too, but I never gave my parents a reason to worry. She has given us plenty of reason to worry....

 

Anyway, we've often taken her out to dinner, gone to the movies, played games, let her have friends over on weekends and holidays, etc. We think we've given her a great life yet she can't wait to get out of here and go to the haven of grandparents. I also realize that is the normal thinking you might expect from the average teenager these days, so that's partially why I'm so stumped and looking for help here.

 

Thank you, Jean, for your response(s). :001_smile:

[Guest Wendell]

This isn't a great relationship. It's a manipulative one. As long as you do not talk openly with your parents about your daughter, she is able to create an open triangle with herself at the apex controlling the information your parents get. If the adults in her life start communicating, you've got a better chance of everyone being on the same page.

Here's the thing: we do talk. My wife and I tell them how we feel and how we are addressing particular situations and they agree. It's the little comments that kill the deal. I can even bring that up and I get the guilt trip stuff again. It seems futile to even bring it up anymore. So it is quite a quandary for us.

 

It is obvious to me that our daughter thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Problem is, it IS greener for her...

 

I've tried talking nicely to them about it and even got in there faces a few times, but it always comes back to this. They are like my daughter's teenage friends down the street... I'm at wit's end...

[Jean in Newcastle]

Anyway, we've often taken her out to dinner, gone to the movies, played games, let her have friends over on weekends and holidays, etc. We think we've given her a great life yet she can't wait to get out of here and go to the haven of grandparents. I also realize that is the normal thinking you might expect from the average teenager these days, so that's partially why I'm so stumped and looking for help here.

 

 

 

Those things are nice and are good for a family to do. But I was actually thinking of ways that you are training her character. Doing volunteer work with her, having her work either at home or at an outside job for things like IPods, taking a hike in the woods where she has to work to put up her shelter, get the food etc. Things that will give her a sense of pride in doing well.

[Guest Noodles]

Those things are nice and are good for a family to do. But I was actually thinking of ways that you are training her character. Doing volunteer work with her, having her work either at home or at an outside job for things like IPods, taking a hike in the woods where she has to work to put up her shelter, get the food etc. Things that will give her a sense of pride in doing well.

 

Hi there...I am his wife. :)

She does chores around the house to earn $$. I pay her $8.00 an hour for anything she does. She keeps track of what she does on a notepad on the fridge. Problem is, we don't "pay" enough-she can go to grandparents and ask and they will give her $100 easily for a mall shopping trip. Plus she doesn't really like do to chores/cleaning so she will only do it 1/2 way and I DO like cleaning so I do most of it.

She had a job for a day and quit. I couldn't blame her there because it was door to door. She has applied at places around town but isn't really full of gusto to get a job at this point and time.

She can't do many outdoor things due to severe allergies. She did want to volunteer at PetCo working with the kitties and filled out paperwork but never heard back. She does enjoy cooking and we encourage her and always give her positive praise when she makes something. Actually, anything she does good we always give positive praise.

I am at my wits end too. We are just at a loss as to what to do anymore because if it is not what the in-laws want or like or think SHE should have/do/want/etc..., then the guilt trip ensues. They still think she should be allowed to drive, even after breaking the law and lying to a police officer. I feel very stabbed in the back and hurt and it isn't the first time.

Thank you for any advice/constructive criticism, etc...we do appreciate it.

:D

[Wildiris]

At age 16, your daughter is a bit beyond accepting parents as figures of authority. She's made it clear that she will do what she wants with or without your consent. Like a two-year-old, your daughter is going to push boundaries. Taking things away is regrettably one of my first responses to these types of situations. I have two older sons 20 & 17 and from experience, taking things away resulted in stewing resentment and unaltered behavior.

 

Perhaps you should pull out the golden rule and polish it up. Try treating your daughter the way you would like to be treated if you were 16 again. At 16 you're going to want your freedom, and at 16 you're going to make some serious mistakes. The better consequence to the issue of driving with a person over 25 would have been if she were pulled over and lost her license. All of us push our limits. All of us at one time or another drive over the posted speed limit, but we don't always get caught. And when we do get caught, well, most of us would like to deny any real wrong doing, but we get the ticket anyway.

 

What would happen if you did let your daughter go and live with your folks down the street? It might be different than just visiting. Grandma might impose some expectations on your daughter and be successful in changing your daughter's behavior. Grandmas are an invaluable family resource. Remember Grandma raised you, and she did a good job. Maybe after experiencing your daughter's behavior played out in her house, Grandma might join together with you as a unified front when dealing with the 16-year-old rather than continue letting the two house-holds to be played off one another the way children of divorce play one parent off the other.

Edited May 18, 2010 by Wildiris
incomplete

[Ohdanigirl]

$8!!!!!???! WOW. I was expected to do chores period. I lived in the house and we all needed to contribute. Maybe, I got $10 for the week. I was expected to keep my grades above a 3.0, or no phone or going out until the next report card. These things made me want to work and earn my way. I worked during high school and college. I also volunteered at a soup kitchen, which really allowed me to see just how good I had it.

 

I am not saying that she needs to be sent off to work, but earning things and having her eyes opened to all that she has would be great. Telling her won't work, she needs to discover these things first hand. I am sure you could find a place you could volunteer as a family once a month. Allso, I would insist that monetary gifts are kept to a minimum.

 

You have two years, use them wisely. Love your child and give her the tools she needs to be a productive adult.

 

Good luck.

 

Danielle

[Peela]

I would suggest you might all be being a bit too nice, and your relationship with the grandparents is not so healthy as it seems. They are manipulative, and no one is being really direct for fear of upsetting someone- yet you are upset. I would get more real, and worry less about trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.

I have a 21yo stepdd who was a bit of a nightmare, and would manipulate anyone she could. It was a rough few years until she went her own way. She seems to need to learn the hard way about everything, but I trust she will come through ok eventually.

My ddalmost16 wants her freedom very badly and even though we have always had a great relationship, she is not above being manipulative and downright dishonest to get her own way.

I find parenting my teens not so easy as I had hoped...but its one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Not very rewarding at times, but you still have to do the right thing, even if they dont appear to love you any more for it. I am about to confiscate my kids' ipods because they keep listening to them during schooltime. They will have to earn them back. My dd is not getting computer time tonight because she just leaves her computer on even when she goes to work and she has been warned many times. Its hard...I don't like it. But what to do. I am a bit of a softy and they tend to take advantage of it.

I try and use natural consequences as much as possible.

But I agree with Jean- build your relationship. If you punish without doing that as well...she will distance herself from you more.

[....]

Ummm...this probably doesn't help much, but when we first got married, we had to move 300 miles away from our parents....or we would've been divorced by now. I couldn't imagine living down the street.

 

I would move.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Assuming the OP is true, these are my thoughts:

 

1) the consequences are reasonable. I may not add the iPod Touch into the equation as that is punitive unless it was somehow involved in the situation, but.... In my home, you'd DEFINITELY lose your license for pulling such a stunt. BTW, does she realize that in many states she wouldn't have a license til 21 or later for such a stunt if a police officer was the one to stop her?

 

2) maybe the pouty lip from grandma was really just an empathizing, but not undermining. I'm thinking that I probably have made a pouty lip towards a child to say, "yeah, man, that is sad." But it didn't mean "too bad your parents are jerks." I still agreed with the parents for doing something, so message to child would be more like "so sorry you made that bad choice."

 

3) I have NO issue with your parents offering to let her go there at 18 or your daughter thinking, "I'll just run off to Gma's at 18." Instead, I'll just be parenting along the way and hope she grows up and realizes it's not best at that point.

 

4) What discipline do y'all use outside of punishment? I totally agree that you HAVE to do something if she's being dangerous or breaking the law. On the other hand, she's 16 and it's a REALLY bad idea to try to micromanage her behavior generally.

 

What things does she have total control over? What positives can start overshadowing the negatives? What responsibilities does she have? (And that one is a big one. My experience is that most parents don't pass out opportunity and responsibility because the child hasn't shown he's mature enough for it; but the majority of kids can step up if they are given them!)

 

Additionally, what activities do you do as a family (or does she do individually) that CONTRIBUTE to her character? A lot of times, kids learn a LOT by volunteering. Association is often a huge influence. Working may encourage some responsibility and independence in HEALTHY ways.

 

I hope this helps.

 

ETA: I saw wife's post above. First off, I don't agree with paying for normal household chores. The message that kids get when it's just expected of them is that they are a meaningful and valuable contributing member of the household. They are needed and helpful. They gain the right attitude about helping themselves as well as serving others. If you pay for normal household chores, it should be a reasonable amount. For a 16yr old, that'd be $5-10 per week. I, personally, would simply GIVE her the money just as I allow her the opportunity to be part of the household.

 

2nd, I REALLY think there needs to be a conversation with the grandparents to stop undermining you. The child is losing out on having this situation. If you can't move a few hours away, then you have to get them to realize that their permissiveness is going to party to her to end up pregnant, in jail, without a license, doing drugs, etc.

 

It is NICE that you have parents to help you in a time of need, but there are a few things with that. First, if they weren't there, you'd find SOMEWAY of taking care of yourself and your kid. Second, it may help for you to realize that you probably depend on their help past the point you really NEED. If you could meditate on those two things, you probably could find a way to untie the apron strings so that your daughter's life isn't destroyed.

 

I realize that last part is a bit blunt, but I mean it nicely. If you read one of the first posts on my blog, you can see a conversation between my mom and me and basically, part of it is simply saying that I no longer want to depend on her to bail us out when life throws us curve balls (and life has thrown us some doozies!).

Edited May 18, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[PineFarmMom]

Here's the thing: we do talk. My wife and I tell them how we feel and how we are addressing particular situations and they agree. It's the little comments that kill the deal. I can even bring that up and I get the guilt trip stuff again. It seems futile to even bring it up anymore. So it is quite a quandary for us.

 

..

 

I have a guilt-trippy mom. You have to make them fully aware that you won't be made to feel guilty and that you will not be a part of that game. The only way they keep power with guilt is if the guilt works. When it doesn't work and the tears have no effect on you, then they won't have power with it anymore. I see others have given great advice. I'm speaking from experience with the emotional manipulation, and you'll have to be strong and matter-of-fact!!

[Guest Noodles]

Thank you for all of your responses. :)

 

I am not sure how to reply to each message individually since there is so many so I will just go down the list and try to answer as best as I can.

 

Perhaps you should pull out the golden rule and polish it up. Try treating your daughter the way you would like to be treated if you were 16 again. At 16 you're going to want your freedom, and at 16 you're going to make some serious mistakes. The better consequence to the issue of driving with a person over 25 would have been if she were pulled over and lost her license. All of us push our limits. All of us at one time or another drive over the posted speed limit, but we don't always get caught. And when we do get caught, well, most of us would like to deny any real wrong doing, but we get the ticket anyway.

 

What would happen if you did let your daughter go and live with your folks down the street? It might be different than just visiting. Grandma might impose some expectations on your daughter and be successful in changing your daughter's behavior. Grandmas are an invaluable family resource. Remember Grandma raised you, and she did a good job. Maybe after experiencing your daughter's behavior played out in her house, Grandma might join together with you as a unified front when dealing with the 16-year-old rather than continue letting the two house-holds to be played off one another the way children of divorce play one parent off the other.

 

Wildiris, she had her freedom. She had plenty of it, too. We were way too trusting and let her do just about whatever she wanted so long as she kept her grades up and stayed out of trouble. Well, she took her freedom as "I will go get in trouble" kind of attitude. We'd ground her for a while, take things away, then she'd be better, she'd get un-grounded, and turn around and do the same things again. (or worse). I should not she wasn't pulled over for speeding; she got caught by a friend driving down the road showing off with her "buddies" in the car. We had asked her point blank before we even knew about this (ironically it all happened on the same day) if she was following the law regarding her provisional license and she says to us "YES, do you think *I* am that stupid?!" & lied straight to us. (Again.) It was our idea to call an officer out after we found out what she did to have a talk with her. Turns out she lied to him as well.

 

Grandma never experiences her bad behavior, nor does she like to hear about it too much. She told me flat out she wants to keep the relationship between her and my daughter "sweet" and not tell her she is wrong or bad by the things she's done.

[Guest Noodles]

$8!!!!!???! WOW. I was expected to do chores period. I lived in the house and we all needed to contribute. Maybe, I got $10 for the week. I was expected to keep my grades above a 3.0, or no phone or going out until the next report card. These things made me want to work and earn my way. I worked during high school and college. I also volunteered at a soup kitchen, which really allowed me to see just how good I had it.

 

I am not saying that she needs to be sent off to work, but earning things and having her eyes opened to all that she has would be great. Telling her won't work, she needs to discover these things first hand. I am sure you could find a place you could volunteer as a family once a month. Allso, I would insist that monetary gifts are kept to a minimum.

Danielle

 

Danielle, I worked too. I hear where you are coming from. My mother told me at age 16, "Ok, you're on your own now! Only thing I'm providing for you is your housing. Rest is up to you." Talk about a shocker. I use to get paid for my report card too, and she cut that off as well. But I went out and worked 2 jobs, plus went to school full time and carried straight "A"s.

 

When we try to do the earning things/earning stuff back, she will do it but then as soon as she has that item back or $$ in her pocket it is gone. (I do pay her for her grades. "A"s get $5, "B"s get $2.) For instance--we took away her iTouch because she was abusing it by looking at porn on it. It took her 3 months to earn it back. We gave it back and within 2 weeks she was back to the same ol' and so we took it away yet again and told her it was gone for good and would be sold. (She bought this with $$ grandma gave her for her birthday I should note.) Well, after another 3 months she was behaving very well and I thought she should have one more chance with it so I gave it back yet again. (Hubby didn't think I should have but he understood why I did.) Then we found out she pulled the driving "stunt" and took it away for good and this time it really did get sold. :001_huh:

[Guest Noodles]

I would suggest you might all be being a bit too nice, and your relationship with the grandparents is not so healthy as it seems. They are manipulative, and no one is being really direct for fear of upsetting someone- yet you are upset. I would get more real, and worry less about trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.

I have a 21yo stepdd who was a bit of a nightmare, and would manipulate anyone she could. It was a rough few years until she went her own way. She seems to need to learn the hard way about everything, but I trust she will come through ok eventually.

My ddalmost16 wants her freedom very badly and even though we have always had a great relationship, she is not above being manipulative and downright dishonest to get her own way.

I find parenting my teens not so easy as I had hoped...but its one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Not very rewarding at times, but you still have to do the right thing, even if they dont appear to love you any more for it. I am about to confiscate my kids' ipods because they keep listening to them during schooltime. They will have to earn them back. My dd is not getting computer time tonight because she just leaves her computer on even when she goes to work and she has been warned many times. Its hard...I don't like it. But what to do. I am a bit of a softy and they tend to take advantage of it.

 

 

Peela, you are right. :iagree:

Hubby has told me many times I am "too nice" and he is right. I do tend to worry about hurting feelings but I also speak my mind. In this situation, though, I cannot speak my mind as freely to my MIL because of the insuring conflict it will cause between her, me, her son, my daughter, etc... They are our landlords too and are very good to us so if I want to say something the guilt kicks in and I feel it is wrong (even if it is right) to say something because of what they've done for us house wise. *sigh*

 

The PC...what a fiasco that was for us! She had WAY too much freedom on her laptop and she met a girl in Canada and thought she was "in love" with this girl and it turned into a very bad situation and porn was involved so we took the PC away for a while. She then finally earned it back and went right back to doing the same things so we took it away again and this time told her "nope, not until you are 18. Sorry." Surprisingly, grandma backed us on this one but only because she didn't like the "online love affair" thing. (She's from the old school-Online love is impossible for her to believe; she believes in meeting in person, etc...) :001_unsure:

[Guest Noodles]

Ummm...this probably doesn't help much, but when we first got married, we had to move 300 miles away from our parents....or we would've been divorced by now. I couldn't imagine living down the street.

 

I would move.

 

Starrbuck, funny you should say that. We lived 7 miles apart from them for years. It did almost cost us our marriage. Then we 1500 miles away for 5 years and did pretty good sans the fact my husband was allergic to every tree/grass/etc where we lived. We decided to move back in Nov. 2006 to be closer to the in-laws because we thought it would be a good move for all of us and help with the DD. Somehow some of it backfired. :(

[fairfarmhand]

I'd move.

 

 

Seriously. My family would be down the tubes if we lived THAT close to either set of grandparents.

[Night Elf]

We think we've given her a great life yet she can't wait to get out of here and go to the haven of grandparents. I also realize that is the normal thinking you might expect from the average teenager these days, so that's partially why I'm so stumped and looking for help here.

 

I have a dd17 who will be 18 next week. Oh the plans she has! I remember those days well. But she's still a student working on her high school diploma, so while she is legally an adult, she has to either choose being a dependent student or an independent adult.

 

We talked once and I asked her lots of questions:

 

How will you pay for a car? the gasoline? the insurance? the maintenance?

How will you pay for an apartment? utilities? cable? cell phone? food?

How many hours will you work?

What will you do for medical and dental insurance?

When will you have time to hang out with your friends?

What are you going to do when they all go to college in August and you're left behind?

What will you do if you dropout of your diploma program? do you plan on a GED? will you just write 'no' on the high school line on applications? will you lie about it?

You do realize that if you choose to be an independent adult, that you have to provide all those things for yourself? We are not a wealthy family, we cannot pay for you to live outside this house.

 

We looked online at apartments. She was stunned at the cost. She's saved her money for a car and got a great deal, but she's going to be spending at least $250 on insurance and gasoline alone, never mind the maintenance costs. Her cell phone plan would be separate and will cost at least $100. Those things right there will cost $1050 and doesn't include lots of what I listed above. She doesn't make that much and she already works 40 hours a week.

 

I'd worry about your parent's naivete. She could cost them money in all kinds of bills. But unfortunately, there wouldn't be anything you could do about it. You are only responsible for your reaction.

 

In Georgia, a parent can take away a minor's drivers license and turn it back into the DMV. Technically, she broke the law. I don't care how minor the law is, I'd tell your parents that they are enabling her to break the law. I'd let her keep the ipod, but if she's an irresponsible driver, I wouldn't hesitate in turning her license back in. You're legally and financially responsible for her driving. That's such a scary prospect for me personally.

[Hockey Mom]

I have to agree with the others:

 

1. No pay for household chores. She's a member of the family, using family resources. She can either pay rent to you guys and do no chores, or she can be a contributing member of the family by doing chores without pay.

 

2. No pay for grades. She can choose to fail and face the natural consequences, or she can choose to succeed and progress forward.

 

3. She needs an outside job. Fast food joints have high turnover and will hire pretty much anyone. My DD17 works 35 hours a week. She doesn't have TIME to get into trouble.

 

4. You should have her do some volunteering. If you can find a place for her to work with people who are less fortunate than your family, that would be ideal.

 

5. No driver's license until she can mature. By allowing her to drive when she is so immature, you are essentially handing her a 2000lb weapon.

 

6. Grandparents need to be made aware that this is how it is. They can either support you and still see DD, or they can undermine you and NOT see DD.

 

7. Your DD should be thinking of colleges at this point in her life. Living with grandma at 18 just wouldn't be an option. With MY kids, they've been raised with the understanding that it's either college or military. No free rides, period.

 

8. You can't be a parent and be your child's friend. Your child NEEDS a safety net. YOU are that safety net. She may hate the day you were born, but in time, she will appreciate that you kept her safe from herself.

 

I hope things work out for the best for you. Unfortunately, unless you are willing to step up to the plate and be firm with her, I don't see this ending well. Additionally, if Grandma's house is an option for your DD at 18, you might want to convince your mother to secure her finances. Adult children who live with relatives tend to drain resources.

 

ETA: We had our DD save her own money to buy a car. She is responsible for gas, insurance, and any maintenance the car needs. In order to drive, she must have a job.

Edited May 18, 2010 by Hockey Mom

[LizzyBee]

I don't have advice for how to deal with the grandparents. But for ideas on how to deal with the teen dd, I highly recommend Wheels and Hormones (or something like that) from the Love and Logic people. It is so common sense and logical, but for some reason, most of us do not naturally think to use the methods recommended. The big thing is letting your dd suffer the natural consequences of her actions but give her empathy while she's suffering so that you're the good guy, not the enemy. It drives my dd16 crazy when we remember to use the methods on this CD, but it is by far the most effective method we've found for dealing with teen behavior and emotions.

[katemary63]

Ummm...this probably doesn't help much, but when we first got married, we had to move 300 miles away from our parents....or we would've been divorced by now. I couldn't imagine living down the street.

 

I would move.

 

 

:iagree:

This is what happens when families are too enmeshed. Enmeshed is not healthy. Sorry this is such a difficult thing for you. If I were you I would talk privately with your parents and ask them to make it clear to your daughter (in the nicest way possible.) that she is not going to be able to live with them when she turns 18. They should do this because you ask them to. If they aren't willing to do that, then it would be clear to me that they are not on your team and you can stop thinking you have a "great" relationship with them.

I agree with trying to build your relationship with your daughter. Find something she's interested in and learn about it, talk about it with her, encourages her in it, participate if you can. I read an article once about a mom who's adult daughter got into sky diving. The mom, of course, had NO INTEREST in this, but for the sake of building a relationship with her daughter, she subscribed to a sky diving magazine and used the subject to create a bond between them. During these times, you leave family troubles out of it. You just BE together, just talk, just relate.

However, I also agree with taking away a driver's license for a kid who breaks the law. Absolutely. You have to do both, be a friend AND parent. And one aspect of being the parent is setting up reasonable expectations for family life. That would include expectations of helping out around the house your daughter lives in. Every 16 year old should be helping WITHOUT PAY as part of the responsibility she shares by living in your home and being a part of a family. A family is a team. The team SHARES responsibilities and helps each other. My daughter, at age 16 mowed the lawn weekly, cooked entire meals, cleaned any room I need her to clean from top to bottom, babysat her younger sister on occasion and ran errands for me, all with no pay what so ever and most of the time with a cheerful attitude. Don't let your daughter feel entitled to all the privileges of living in a smooth running house hold without doing her share. I would NEVER pay a kid for ordinary chores. (I do pay for big projects or times when I would like more help then is reasonable to expect from one person.)

 

My daughter is 18 now and still lives at home. She knows that her father and I are partners with her in the goal she has to become independent and that we have only her best interests at heart. She trusts us. Together, the three of us discuss options and agree on decisions for her future. No, she doesn't HAVE to listen to us. But she does, because of the RELATIONSHIP we have forged with her over time. This is your goal. If, at age 18, things have not turned around for you all, you may just have to let her go and make her own mistakes and learn the hard way and then be there for her when she messes up. I have one child like that. He is now 23 and is coming back around to asking our advice and respecting it. It is hard, but sometimes it is the only way. (HUGE CAVEAT! "Being there" for a wayward child NEVER means enabling them or removing the negative consequenses of their behavior. It means loving them unconditionally through thier mistakes .)

BTW: If my mom said anything like the manipulative statement you described about not listening to her, I would call her on it in a heartbeat, ignore her tears and tell her that if she wanted to have a REAL relationship with me, she would have to stop the self pitying manipulation. But that's just me. :D

[Guest Noodles]

Assuming the OP is true, these are my thoughts:

 

1) the consequences are reasonable. I may not add the iPod Touch into the equation as that is punitive unless it was somehow involved in the situation, but.... In my home, you'd DEFINITELY lose your license for pulling such a stunt. BTW, does she realize that in many states she wouldn't have a license til 21 or later for such a stunt if a police officer was the one to stop her?

 

Pamela, thanks. :) I sometimes wonder if the consqeuences are enough or not enough. :confused1:

The cop did inform her of Oregon's laws and what would have happened and what will if she is caught doing that or any other things against the law; she will still lose her license. She just rolled her eyes.

 

2) maybe the pouty lip from grandma was really just an empathizing, but not undermining. I'm thinking that I probably have made a pouty lip towards a child to say, "yeah, man, that is sad." But it didn't mean "too bad your parents are jerks." I still agreed with the parents for doing something, so message to child would be more like "so sorry you made that bad choice."

 

I wish this was the truth but it isn't. She gives hubby the pouty crap when he goes against anything she thinks we are doing wrong as far as disciplining/taking away from the kid.

 

3) I have NO issue with your parents offering to let her go there at 18 or your daughter thinking, "I'll just run off to Gma's at 18." Instead, I'll just be parenting along the way and hope she grows up and realizes it's not best at that point.

 

I hope so too. What hurts us is the fact that they are just enticing her to "come over here you can do whatever you want and what your parents are doing does not matter" kinda attitude by the moving in over to their house. It is teaching her nothing and undermining what we do as discipline because over here, she cannot get away with the porn crap, the illegal crap, etc...but over there because they "love her so much that they want to keep the sweetness there" they will let her do it. (Yes I've been told this straight out.) I was also told from her that "Sorry, I am not and cannot keep my eye on her 24 hours a day." So that's why she doesn't live there now. Course when she is 18 she's the one that will go to jail for any illegal stuff so....I guess I shouldn't be TOO upset about it but I still am and wish I wasn't.

 

4) What discipline do y'all use outside of punishment? I totally agree that you HAVE to do something if she's being dangerous or breaking the law. On the other hand, she's 16 and it's a REALLY bad idea to try to micromanage her behavior generally.

 

Well, we really didn't use any discipline unless she mis behaved. We only use grounding, taking away stuff, no friends over or going to their houses, etc... She lost her PC, cell phone & iTouch for good due to the continuous abuse of porn on these items. Since the breaking the law with the car issue, we have made her walk to school (it's a 10 minute walk but the grandparents are VERY upset that she has to walk in the rain/when it rains.) Some have told me I need to smack her. I have never and will never lay a hand on her. This was one of the ways I was disciplined as a child/teen and it left everlasting scars and I promised myself "absolutely not" when I became a parent.

 

What things does she have total control over? What positives can start overshadowing the negatives? What responsibilities does she have? (And that one is a big one. My experience is that most parents don't pass out opportunity and responsibility because the child hasn't shown he's mature enough for it; but the majority of kids can step up if they are given them!)

 

Well, she pretty much had control over everything in her life until she started blowing it. It seems ever since we moved here and she hit the teenager years she has gotten progressively worse in the "being bad" dept. We needed to go to another state to help with DH's elderly grandmother so we gave her trust and let her stay by herself (with grandma supposedly checking in on her) a little over a year ago and she blew it badly. She starved my pet rats to death; she almost starved the cat to death; she had people over and did "things"; she got into anime/hentai porn and regular porn. She thrashed the place (it took me 2-9 hours days to clean it back up). Her reasoning?? "I just forgot one day to feed and give them water and kept forgetting. And I just didn't feel like cleaning...and I wanted to have friends over." We asked grandma about this and she told us "I cant watch her for 24 hours a day; when I checked on her the animals seemed fine." Even as she had to remove one from the house. (I nursed the 2 I had left back to health and removed the other dead carcasses.)

 

Sorry this is so long...:(

[Guest Noodles]

I have a guilt-trippy mom. You have to make them fully aware that you won't be made to feel guilty and that you will not be a part of that game. The only way they keep power with guilt is if the guilt works. When it doesn't work and the tears have no effect on you, then they won't have power with it anymore. I see others have given great advice. I'm speaking from experience with the emotional manipulation, and you'll have to be strong and matter-of-fact!!

 

I think hubby is 100% agreeing with you on this. :)

[hornblower]

Um people -

 

these are two new posters

 

who don't homeschool

 

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

 

 

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

[Pamela H in Texas]

What hurts us

 

Well, sometimes we parents need to grow up a little also. Kids CAN hurt us, but we really need to grow some tougher skin. Seriously, A LOT of kids leave home to much looser places (college, friends, etc) at 18. That is life.

 

we really didn't use any discipline unless she mis behaved.

 

This is rarely true. Most people just don't realize how much they do discipline outside of punishment for misbehavior. But it's also part of the problem whether it's true or not. You are MUCH more likely to do a GOOD job disciplining if you are conscientiously doing so and doing it A LOT. Kids don't NEED punishment. They NEED discipline.

 

I don't know if we're being trolled

 

Probably as I figured from my first post, but....

[LauraGB]

Um people -

 

these are two new posters

 

who don't homeschool

 

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

 

 

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

 

:iagree:

[Blueridge]

Um people -

 

these are two new posters

 

who don't homeschool

 

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

 

 

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

 

:iagree: Too much for me, too...

[Guest Noodles]

:iagree:

This is what happens when families are too enmeshed. Enmeshed is not healthy. Sorry this is such a difficult thing for you. If I were you I would talk privately with your parents and ask them to make it clear to your daughter (in the nicest way possible.) that she is not going to be able to live with them when she turns 18. They should do this because you ask them to. If they aren't willing to do that, then it would be clear to me that they are not on your team and you can stop thinking you have a "great" relationship with them.

 

I agree with trying to build your relationship with your daughter. Find something she's interested in and learn about it, talk about it with her, encourages her in it, participate if you can. I read an article once about a mom who's adult daughter got into sky diving. The mom, of course, had NO INTEREST in this, but for the sake of building a relationship with her daughter, she subscribed to a sky diving magazine and used the subject to create a bond between them. During these times, you leave family troubles out of it. You just BE together, just talk, just relate.

 

However, I also agree with taking away a driver's license for a kid who breaks the law. Absolutely. You have to do both, be a friend AND parent. And one aspect of being the parent is setting up reasonable expectations for family life. That would include expectations of helping out around the house your daughter lives in. Every 16 year old should be helping WITHOUT PAY as part of the responsibility she shares by living in your home and being a part of a family. A family is a team. The team SHARES responsibilities and helps each other. My daughter, at age 16 mowed the lawn weekly, cooked entire meals, cleaned any room I need her to clean from top to bottom, babysat her younger sister on occasion and ran errands for me, all with no pay what so ever and most of the time with a cheerful attitude. Don't let your daughter feel entitled to all the privileges of living in a smooth running house hold without doing her share. I would NEVER pay a kid for ordinary chores. (I do pay for big projects or times when I would like more help then is reasonable to expect from one person.)

 

My daughter is 18 now and still lives at home. She knows that her father and I are partners with her in the goal she has to become independent and that we have only her best interests at heart. She trusts us. Together, the three of us discuss options and agree on decisions for her future. No, she doesn't HAVE to listen to us. But she does, because of the RELATIONSHIP we have forged with her over time. This is your goal. If, at age 18, things have not turned around for you all, you may just have to let her go and make her own mistakes and learn the hard way and then be there for her when she messes up. I have one child like that. He is now 23 and is coming back around to asking our advice and respecting it. It is hard, but sometimes it is the only way. (HUGE CAVEAT! "Being there" for a wayward child NEVER means enabling them or removing the negative consequenses of their behavior. It means loving them unconditionally through thier mistakes .)

 

BTW: If my mom said anything like the manipulative statement you described about not listening to her, I would call her on it in a heartbeat, ignore her tears and tell her that if she wanted to have a REAL relationship with me, she would have to stop the self pitying manipulation. But that's just me. :D

 

 

We did take her license away and all that. That was the 1st thing on the list.

 

We've tried to express interest in what she is doing and sometimes she loves it, other times she is "embarassed" by it and doesn't want us to have anything to do with it.

 

Her grandma refuses to go against her moving in with grandma when she is 18. She says that is shunning her and she wont do that to her granddaughter. So...I dunno what to do at this point. A lot of people have told us to move away, but if we keep running away, what does that solve?? Anyhow, thanks for all of the input. We really do appreciate it. :D

[Guest Noodles]

:iagree: Too much for me, too...

 

We are genuine people with a problem. We aren't trolls or wackos. We have been thinking about home schooling her because this seems to be the only thing that we can do to keep an eye on her because she keeps getting in most of the trouble at school/with kids at school. My husband though this would be a good place to ask so...that is why he did. Sorry if you feel like we intruded. That was NOT our intention. :001_huh:

[kmacnchs]

Let me speak as someone who is living with someone who was not taught financial responsibilities or consequences. I realize you have MANY other issues that you deal with but I will speak to the $$$ issues specifically.

 

My mil has always (and still does) given all of her children $$$ whenever they want it. There was no accountability with that $$$. Guess what? My dh does not know how to deal w/his $$$ and we are not where we "should" be imo as far as $$$ goes. (none is savings, spend everything we get, if he gets a bonus, it is spent on toys or food - out to eat) PLEASE teach her the value of a $$ or she will likely spend her life in debt! If she is getting into trouble b/c she has too much time on her hands, she needs to get a job (or volunteer). No $$ for normal chores (just extra stuff), NO $$$ FOR GRADES! She needs to pay for gas, at least 1/2 of her car, clothes, "toys", etc.

 

Have her read some Dave Ramsey - he talks about putting VERY little into a Roth IRA and how much she will have when it is time to retire - gives MANY motivation!

 

I LOVE my dh - if it wasn't for the $$$ issues, I would say he is too good to be true, but the $$$ issues are BIG...

[Guest Noodles]

Let me speak as someone who is living with someone who was not taught financial responsibilities or consequences. I realize you have MANY other issues that you deal with but I will speak to the $$$ issues specifically.

 

My mil has always (and still does) given all of her children $$$ whenever they want it. There was no accountability with that $$$. Guess what? My dh does not know how to deal w/his $$$ and we are not where we "should" be imo as far as $$$ goes. (none is savings, spend everything we get, if he gets a bonus, it is spent on toys or food - out to eat) PLEASE teach her the value of a $$ or she will likely spend her life in debt! If she is getting into trouble b/c she has too much time on her hands, she needs to get a job (or volunteer). No $$ for normal chores (just extra stuff), NO $$$ FOR GRADES! She needs to pay for gas, at least 1/2 of her car, clothes, "toys", etc.

 

Have her read some Dave Ramsey - he talks about putting VERY little into a Roth IRA and how much she will have when it is time to retire - gives MANY motivation!

 

I LOVE my dh - if it wasn't for the $$$ issues, I would say he is too good to be true, but the $$$ issues are BIG...

Very true. My MIL is similar but I am fortunate that my husband and I learned from that and finally got ourselves out of debt and paid off our cars. (Was a good feeling!!)

 

We told her if she wants to drive, then she has to pay for her own car insurance, gas, car repairs, etc...and that a car is NOT a toy it is a responsibility and privilege. (This was before she pulled her stunt.) Well, turns out her insurance was going to cost over $800 every 6 months because of her age, etc...and that was with Drivers Ed and good student discount so she decided to hold off on the driving. Well it turns out the in-laws insurance covered her to drive THEIR car so that is when she started driving again. It was free insurance and a car and gas. The car we have here for her she would of been able to "buy" when she turned 18 with her savings/earnings but when the other grandparents offered to buy her a car she flat out told us "You can keep the car now; grandpa is buying me one."

 

Do any of you homeschooling parents ever deal with teenager problems or is it a bit easier because the kids are homeschooled and so they are there in your presence to keep an eye on?? I've been really seriously thinking about having her do her last 2 years of HS here at home but our family members tell us it is wrong because she "won't get the social skills she needs in life, etc..". But from what I see with friends that I do know that homeschool their kids, the kids for the most part are great kids and have a life and do the extra curricular stuff (like sports or choir) at a high school or church. I only have one friend whose high school home schooled teenager got into some trouble but he seems to have come around.

[Guest Wendell]

Um people -

these are two new posters

who don't homeschool

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

I am really sorry you feel this way. We are a legitimate family with legitimate problems and looking for help. Why is that a problem? Do you want my phone number? I would happily give it to you in a PM if you want to call and verify my existence and legitimacy.

 

We have been seriously considering home school because of the issues we are having, hence making this forum a legitimate place to post.

 

And even if it wasn't the most appropriate place to post, why is it a problem to help a family in need? We are seriously struggling and nearly at wit's end.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So this is what I suggest: use the search function on this forum. Search for posts on boundaries - there are many and they even have some book titles listed. Search for posts on MILs and grandparents - you'll get good advice there too. Search for posts on homeschooling teens - tons there. You've already gotten specific advice here on this thread. Use that too.

[SapphireStitch]

Um people -

 

these are two new posters

 

who don't homeschool

 

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

 

 

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

 

:iagree: Thank you, Hornblower. I was starting to feel twitchy about this, and I couldn't think of a polite, concise way to put it. You did.

 

To the OPs: I hope you can see why people might feel odd about discussing your private lives in this much depth. Yes, there are occasionally people on this board who discuss very private things. Most of them have been here a long time and feel like they are among friends. (I'm personally pretty pessimistic about the Internet and always assume there are crazy people out there reading what I write, even if they never show their "faces".)

 

If you're "real" :) and if things are this bad, y'all really need to be taking counsel from someone who is local to you and who can talk to you face to face. A pastor, priest, social worker, psychologist...someone like that.

[Guest Wendell]

I think maybe this is all finally sinking in for me. I wanted SO bad for things to work out with family and all and I guess I feel a bit blindsided. I've tried to be firm with the parents in the past, but I'm thinking I just wasn't firm enough. It's time to put my foot down and I thank all of you (well, the ones that believe us, anyway) for helping me to see that.

[Guest Noodles]

So this is what I suggest: use the search function on this forum. Search for posts on boundaries - there are many and they even have some book titles listed. Search for posts on MILs and grandparents - you'll get good advice there too. Search for posts on homeschooling teens - tons there. You've already gotten specific advice here on this thread. Use that too.

 

Good idea. I will do that. I didn't realize how big this forum was until now.

 

Thanks! :)

[Guest Noodles]

:iagree: Thank you, Hornblower. I was starting to feel twitchy about this, and I couldn't think of a polite, concise way to put it. You did.

 

To the OPs: I hope you can see why people might feel odd about discussing your private lives in this much depth. Yes, there are occasionally people on this board who discuss very private things. Most of them have been here a long time and feel like they are among friends. (I'm personally pretty pessimistic about the Internet and always assume there are crazy people out there reading what I write, even if they never show their "faces".)

 

If you're "real" :) and if things are this bad, y'all really need to be taking counsel from someone who is local to you and who can talk to you face to face. A pastor, priest, social worker, psychologist...someone like that.

 

OH I agree 100%. We are usually very private (and that might be a fault) and for us to open up like this took guts. (especially for my husband!) I probably said more than I usually do and still have not said it all and probably shouldn't have said as much as I have. I made all of my settings private so the general public couldn't see it on here but one never truly knows.

 

I am sorry, I have no idea what an "OP" is. :confused: I am guessing it is us?

 

Counseling has been in the works-just waiting on paperwork processing.

[SapphireStitch]

OP is an acronym for "original poster". Another one you will see is PP, which is "previous poster".

[Guest ToGMom]

 

1. No pay for household chores. She's a member of the family, using family resources. She can either pay rent to you guys and do no chores, or she can be a contributing member of the family by doing chores without pay.

 

2. No pay for grades. She can choose to fail and face the natural consequences, or she can choose to succeed and progress forward.

 

3. She needs an outside job. Fast food joints have high turnover and will hire pretty much anyone. My DD17 works 35 hours a week. She doesn't have TIME to get into trouble.

 

4. You should have her do some volunteering. If you can find a place for her to work with people who are less fortunate than your family, that would be ideal.

 

5. No driver's license until she can mature. By allowing her to drive when she is so immature, you are essentially handing her a 2000lb weapon.

 

6. Grandparents need to be made aware that this is how it is. They can either support you and still see DD, or they can undermine you and NOT see DD.

 

7. Your DD should be thinking of colleges at this point in her life. Living with grandma at 18 just wouldn't be an option. With MY kids, they've been raised with the understanding that it's either college or military. No free rides, period.

 

8. You can't be a parent and be your child's friend. Your child NEEDS a safety net. YOU are that safety net. She may hate the day you were born, but in time, she will appreciate that you kept her safe from herself.

 

:iagree: 100%

[Laurie4b]

Wendell and Noodles:

 

The reason people are suspicious is because on the internet, there are people who like to post on forums to "stir things up" usually with dramatic stories where they solicit a lot of advice, etc. That is one form of what is referred to as "trolling." We've had trolls like that before until people figured it out, but when people have been burned, they are cautious. So, just quickly:

 

1. No, I don't think homeschooling this daughter would help; family issues get magnified when homeschooling: the good has more influence, but so does the negative. There are a lot of negative family issues going on here--all that negative stuff will be magnified. And you cannot homeschool a 16 year old without their cooperation. Your 16 year old is not cooperative.

2. You are hostage to Wendell's parents because they help you financially. You'll have to decide which is more important: the financial support or your freedom to make decisions and ask them to support your decisions and be able to be firm if they don't.

3. I think grandparents have a right to just be "grandparents" and not necessarily take the part of a "heavy." Wendell's parents may be just that. People can only tell their own side of the story and we're hearing the parents' perspective only right now.

4. The relationship between Wendell's parents and Wendell and Noodles' family is not working right now. GM manipulates and Wendell capitulates. That wouldn't be so terrible if the issue was about where you were eating Thanksgiving dinner but when it involves the future of the daughter, then it's an issue. It sounds like what happens more typically between a mother and a father when a child has difficulty (and is manipulative): one parent will be "too hard on her" as perceived by the other parent. The other parent will then compensate for that by being "extra nice to her." This elicits compensation by the first parent who gets even "harder" to compensate for the other one being "too soft" and on and on it goes. I think that Wendell and Noodles should seek out family counseling and go whether or not dd goes. This would help identify what the dynamics are and the choices that you have in the situation.

5. The issues that are described about the daughter has are very serious. Real life help is needed. Internet help could be unproductive.

[Mom0012]

Hi,

 

I'm new here. My wife and I have been having some issues with our 16 year old daughter recently and my parents and I thought this might be a good place to get some advice.

 

I should probably provide some background. My daughter has gotten in trouble several times in the last few years and it all has to do with defiance of our rules and the law. My mom and step-dad (whom I consider my real dad) live 4 houses down the street from us. They own our house and we rent from them (although recently it has been hard to pay the rent, but they are okay with that).

 

A typical scenario when our daughter gets into trouble is that they think we are being too harsh on her with punishment. As far as I know, they haven't been saying that directly to our daughter, but I do get little "hints" now and then with everyone present. My mom generally is very sweet and everyone likes her because she is "nice". She never had to use any heavy punishment on me at all because I never got into trouble nor gave her reason to punish me. I know, that sounds really odd, but I really was well behaved. To this day, she says she doesn't know how to handle any of the situations that our daughter puts us in because she has no experience with that sort of thing.

 

The most recent problem was when our daughter, who has a provisional driver's license (in Oregon, that means she cannot have anyone in the car with her who is under 25), took some friends to lunch in my stepdad's car. We found out about it and took her license away from her and her iPod Touch. This is not the first time she has given us reason to take away things that she is very fond of. This is the 3rd time the iPod has been taken away and this time we sold it. We've tried to be as nice as possible while still being firm about rules and punishment.

 

My parents on the other hand, will say things and give the pouty lip look in front of our daughter when we discuss these things. So I feel like they are undermining my wife and I without actually saying a word. This has been very difficult for us and I have a hard time confronting them on it because they have been so giving to us in recent years during hard times.

 

Tonight, our daughter told us that the grandparents offered to allow her to move in with them when she is 18. Obviously, that might not be what they actually said, but our daughter got that thought planted somehow, right? She would still be in high school when she turned 18 because her birthday is in October, so she is older than most in her class.

 

So now I'm fighting myself in my head how to deal with this situation. I have a great relationship with my parents and I can already tell you how my mom will react if I even try to nicely discuss this with her. There will be tears and she will say guilt-trippy things like, "Yeah, why listen to a dumb old bat grandma like me..."

 

This is our one and only daughter and she has made it clear that without the boundaries we give her, she'd be doing things that scare us. My parents would likely have zero rules for her and by letting her move in, it's like a slap in the face for my wife and I...

 

Just wondering if anyone out there has had similar experiences and how they handled it. I would truly appreciate any advice and/or comments anyone has about this.

 

Thank you in advance for your help.

 

Wendell

 

We are going through the exact same thing now. My husband's parents have pretty much "taken over" now that my stepddaughter is of age. She is mostly living with them They shower her with expensive gifts and cash and are encouraging her on a path we do not agree with. They undermine us as parents and disrespect us. They have taken her for counseling and had her put on concerta because my MIL is obsessed with her losing weight and this medication is an appetite suppressant (she does not have ADD). She is now calling them "mama" and "papa". It is sickening.

 

Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can see that we can do about it now. For years, they overstepped boundaries and my husband was unable to say no to them. I don't know if that's the case in your situation, but if it is, I would start speaking up now before it is too late. I know my husband wishes very much that he had.

 

Lisa

[StephanieZ]

Um people -

 

these are two new posters

 

who don't homeschool

 

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

 

 

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

 

I totally agree. It is entertaining to read in a National Enquirer kinda' way. Just the fact that these *new* posters have learned how to multi-quote, while lilolme, 1400+ posts, owner of 15 PCs between work and home, and the gotogal for solving computer problems. . . . I still can't manage to multiquote. . .

 

Well, anyway, it may be interesting in a Jerry Springer way. . . but, really, I think this is clearly not relevant to our board!

[Night Elf]

Um people -

 

these are two new posters

 

who don't homeschool

 

who have just brought up some major weird behaviour issues with their kid

 

 

I say - enough. Take it somewhere else. I don't know if we're being trolled, maybe it's legit. But this is too much for me.

 

True, but interesting nonetheless because many of us have teenagers. I've seen posts from regulars that discuss major issues with their teenagers, and also with ILs, and all kinds of sensitive subjects.

[Night Elf]

I totally agree. It is entertaining to read in a National Enquirer kinda' way. Just the fact that these *new* posters have learned how to multi-quote, while lilolme, 1400+ posts, owner of 15 PCs between work and home, and the gotogal for solving computer problems. . . . I still can't manage to multiquote. . .

 

:confused: They may be trolls because they know how to multi-quote? I'm a troll!! :D Sorry, I really couldn't resist.

 

Well, anyway, it may be interesting in a Jerry Springer way. . . but, really, I think this is clearly not relevant to our board!

 

I think we've had threads about what isn't relevant on this board. It's a general forum, and people have used it as a general forum for years.

[Peela]

As a mother of teens, I do find the thread relevant- far more relevant than many other threads!

 

I also have a sense that the OPs are sincere people who are simply ignorant of this unique message board environment. They were advised to come here because of our reputation :) You go to a counsellor, you get one opinion- you come here - you get dozens! I think it has it's place and it can be useful!

I don't see an unsual amount of drama here.

And if they are trolls...there are people here who can still benefit from this thread..I know I have.

Anyone is free not to open this thread.

[Guest Noodles]

Wendell and Noodles:

 

The reason people are suspicious is because on the internet, there are people who like to post on forums to "stir things up" usually with dramatic stories where they solicit a lot of advice, etc. That is one form of what is referred to as "trolling." We've had trolls like that before until people figured it out, but when people have been burned, they are cautious. So, just quickly:

 

1. No, I don't think homeschooling this daughter would help; family issues get magnified when homeschooling: the good has more influence, but so does the negative. There are a lot of negative family issues going on here--all that negative stuff will be magnified. And you cannot homeschool a 16 year old without their cooperation. Your 16 year old is not cooperative.

2. You are hostage to Wendell's parents because they help you financially. You'll have to decide which is more important: the financial support or your freedom to make decisions and ask them to support your decisions and be able to be firm if they don't.

3. I think grandparents have a right to just be "grandparents" and not necessarily take the part of a "heavy." Wendell's parents may be just that. People can only tell their own side of the story and we're hearing the parents' perspective only right now.

4. The relationship between Wendell's parents and Wendell and Noodles' family is not working right now. GM manipulates and Wendell capitulates. That wouldn't be so terrible if the issue was about where you were eating Thanksgiving dinner but when it involves the future of the daughter, then it's an issue. It sounds like what happens more typically between a mother and a father when a child has difficulty (and is manipulative): one parent will be "too hard on her" as perceived by the other parent. The other parent will then compensate for that by being "extra nice to her." This elicits compensation by the first parent who gets even "harder" to compensate for the other one being "too soft" and on and on it goes. I think that Wendell and Noodles should seek out family counseling and go whether or not dd goes. This would help identify what the dynamics are and the choices that you have in the situation.

5. The issues that are described about the daughter has are very serious. Real life help is needed. Internet help could be unproductive.

 

I will say it again. I am not a troll. I'm a real live normal (ok most of the time)human being with feelings and emotions and we came here looking for some help and answers before we decide on a final path for this situation. I know how to use the quote thingy and smilies because I once owned/moderated a forum that uses this similar software; although things sure have changed in 6 years the bracket things are still the same. (the [] things where you type in quote/unquote.) And I've always been a fan of smilies. :)

 

Anyhow...

 

Well said, LaurieB. I never thought about the homeschooling thing being against what she wants and turning on us. *sigh* But that is definitely what would happen.

You are right about being hostage. Many others have said that (and have been saying MOVE away) but when complete strangers are telling you what your close friends have been saying for a while then there is a reason why everyone is saying the same things. We definitely have eyes open now!!

For the most part I don't think my MIL means to be manipulative-I think it just comes out that way because it is built-in if that makes any sense? She means well and has a good heart.

[Guest Noodles]

We are going through the exact same thing now. My husband's parents have pretty much "taken over" now that my stepddaughter is of age. She is mostly living with them They shower her with expensive gifts and cash and are encouraging her on a path we do not agree with. They undermine us as parents and disrespect us. They have taken her for counseling and had her put on concerta because my MIL is obsessed with her losing weight and this medication is an appetite suppressant (she does not have ADD). She is now calling them "mama" and "papa". It is sickening.

 

Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can see that we can do about it now. For years, they overstepped boundaries and my husband was unable to say no to them. I don't know if that's the case in your situation, but if it is, I would start speaking up now before it is too late. I know my husband wishes very much that he had.

 

Lisa

 

Wow. I know I am not alone now, although sometimes it feels like I am with this situation. We have been told "all teens do this, it's how they are, suck it up, they are going to get in trouble, etc..." but when it happens and then you get to deal with the after math it really sucks and drains you emotionally and mentally.

It IS heartbreaking and sickening :( and I am sorry you have to go through it too but I am glad you understand.

Do any of the other grandparents do it too? My mother and husbands biological father also do it but it is not as severe because they both live 1000 miles or more away. I couldn't imagine how worse it could be if they were in the same town!! I'd definitely lose my marbles then. :eek:

[Guest Noodles]

I totally agree. It is entertaining to read in a National Enquirer kinda' way. Just the fact that these *new* posters have learned how to multi-quote, while lilolme, 1400+ posts, owner of 15 PCs between work and home, and the gotogal for solving computer problems. . . . I still can't manage to multiquote. . .

 

Well, anyway, it may be interesting in a Jerry Springer way. . . but, really, I think this is clearly not relevant to our board!

New poster here but not a new poster to forums. Even though I am new to the terms OP and PP I am not new to quoting, etc... Hubby fixes computers too so we have about a dozen or more around the house (right now some are great dust collectors).

I won $10 from the National Enquirer once for "Happy Thoughts". Does that count?? :) Other than that I have not read that magazine in years.

[Guest Noodles]

:confused: They may be trolls because they know how to multi-quote? I'm a troll!! :D Sorry, I really couldn't resist.

 

 

 

I think we've had threads about what isn't relevant on this board. It's a general forum, and people have used it as a general forum for years.

 

Thank you. :)