gender roles

[jld]

You know, it's 2010, and we really shouldn't have them anymore, right? But we do. And I don't think they'll ever go away.

 

I was just talking to the dh of my bf from high school, and he's having trouble finding work. She's a former teacher, subbing now, but both of them want her back home asap. It's funny, but if she had never stopped teaching, they would have a regular income plus insurance, but neither regrets that she stopped working when dc#2 came along. He just wants to find work as soon as possible so she can get back to managing the home and family full-time. That's all she wants, too.

 

You know that saying, the more things change, the more they stay the same? I wonder if that applies to gender roles, at least for some people. I'm not the best mom out there, by any means, and probably the least among us as a housekeeper, but both dh and I feel best in traditional gender roles. I'm happy giving my whole self to my husband and children (however poorly I may do that, lol), and dh is very happy pursuing his career.

 

Is this ringing a bell with anyone? Or do I have it all wrong?

[BeeBop]

I agree. I am currently working part time as a nurse right now. Despite my bachelors degree, I would love nothing more than to stay home full time to take care of the kids, tend to the house and cook for my husband. I think I was born in the wrong decade! :tongue_smilie:

[Lara in Colo]

There is a reason we have gender roles. My DH has a toe that constantly has an ingrown toenail, he will not get it fixed because he still remembers the pain from the other toe surgery, I told him its a good thing I had the babies or we'd only have one.

My 9yr old daughter can multi-task better than he can.

 

 

Lara

[BakersDozen]

 

You know, it's 2010, and we really shouldn't have them anymore, right?

lol, I hope gender roles never go away, personally! Not that I want to be forced into a June Cleaver role but I do believe there is a beauty in the gifts/talents each gender is given and would not want to see a complete disappearance of natural gender roles.

[Rosie_0801]

Did you ever think that traditional gender roles might be traditional because it is the best system to be the general rule? They obviously don't work for everyone, all of the time, but they work for most people, most of the time.

 

I'm of the opinion that gender roles are a direct consequence of there being different genders! When we no longer have different genders, we won't need or have gender roles any more. There is nothing wrong with gender roles, either, unless they become so rigid there is no way to bend things for those who don't fit into them well enough.

 

Rosie- (no I don't find nappy changing fulfilling, but the only person I want to outsource to is their dad :) )

[tatertotschool]

I railed against gender roles for the longest time, and now that I am a mother to girls, I appreciate them. I came from a rural Southern family, and to me, to be a girl meant that I had to miss out on the fun stuff. I couldn't have a BB gun, or play sports, or go out into the "woods". I have a much different view now. I stay at home with my babies while my husband works. I have a Masters, he has an associates. He has offered to stay at home while I go and "get some use" out of my degree, but my children would be feral after the 1st week.

[OnTheBrink]

I hope gender roles are never eradicated.

[jld]

Lol, Rosie! Tell it like it is!

 

You know, after reading these replies, I don't feel quite so embarrassed anymore!

[Rosie_0801]

Lol, don't be embarrassed! How can there be anything wrong with a girl acting the way she thinks a girl should act? Anyway, as the early feminists said, women should be able to have everything, but they can't have it all at once! There's a time for child raising, and that is while you have children. What you do before and after is your own business.

 

:)

Rosie

 

P.S. I probably shouldn't have mentioned feminists, should I? Let's not start ranting about the wonders or evils of modern feminism, ok?

[Gratia271]

I feel privileged to be female because I think we are the gender that gets to choose what we want to do. I chose law school and practicing law until I had my first little one. Then, I chose to set aside my career for my children. I am so grateful to live in a day and age where we as women can choose what is best for us and for our family. I personally believe it is an honor to love, cherish, educate and mentor the next generation. Fortunately, my husband agrees! :)

[Melinda in VT]

For us, things definitely work best when we turn traditional gender roles on their ear a bit, and I'm very glad that we have the freedom to do that. It's easier for us to be happy that way.

 

But I think it's great that traditional gender roles work for your family. :)

[jld]

Nope, no ranting here, Rosie, lol!

 

Christina, I hear you!

 

Nancy, you have a smart (and lucky) husband!:)

 

You know, it's whatever works, isn't it, Melinda?! I respect your position, too!

Edited April 14, 2010 by jld
inserted name

[Supertechmom]

..., but my children would be feral after the 1st week.

 

 

:iagree::iagree: I'm not sure my hubby even remembers they need food or drink. HE's always shocked when I come back from an outing (2-3 hours) and they rush me like a small mob dying for food and water. :lol:

 

And I'm always shocked to come back to a clean house as in SPOTLESS and think How did he manage that, I only manage to keep it picked up and major disasters cleaned- only to discover he never did snacks, meals, played, read books, did Algebra, or made sure the laundry continued. IF I come home and it's a disaster like a bomb went off, then the kids were fed and played with. ;) Never shall the two meet. He laughs and says he could never manage the kids and the house and is quite delighted that I can. I tell him I could never get up at 5:00am, drive through all that traffic and then be pleasant all day to my coworkers and come home and be nice to all of us too. It's a good system for us. He does what he's good at and I do what I am good at and we're happy with the division. :001_smile:

[Gratia271]

You know, it's whatever works, isn't it, Melinda?! I respect your position, too!

 

That is the beauty of it! We all do what works for us and support each other along the way!

[jillian]

OP that's us, we prefer me to stay home but i would work if i had to as long as one of us stayed home with our child. however i greatly enjoy cultivating the heart of our home

[Rosie_0801]

Hehehe. I've often wondered what school would be like here if it was Dh in charge. I think there'd be a lot of Latin read alouds and the rest of it would be spent watching astro-physics documentaries.

 

Rosie

[fairfarmhand]

such polite ladies on such a potentially explosive topic....class acts, every one of you.

[jillian]

Did you ever think that traditional gender roles might be traditional because it is the best system to be the general rule? They obviously don't work for everyone, all of the time, but they work for most people, most of the time.

 

I'm of the opinion that gender roles are a direct consequence of there being different genders! When we no longer have different genders, we won't need or have gender roles any more. There is nothing wrong with gender roles, either, unless they become so rigid there is no way to bend things for those who don't fit into them well enough.

 

Rosie- (no I don't find nappy changing fulfilling, but the only person I want to outsource to is their dad :) )

i agree with this too, but as our society (at least here in the US) becomes more androgynous the expectations of gender ( at least by societal determinants) is losing the gap and tradition

[mlbuchina]

I agree. ..., I would love nothing more than to stay home full time to take care of the kids, tend to the house and cook for my husband. I think I was born in the wrong decade! :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: I do love staying at home. In fact, when I did work, I spent more time as a basket case. I just wanted to be home! I believe I was born in the wrong decade, too! lol

[myfatherslily]

Giving birth made me rather possessive! ;)

 

LOL! Oh, me too! But they're MY babies! :D

 

I completely agree with the idea that traditional gender roles are there because that's the way we usually want it to be. Mamas usually prefer being with the babies all day. I love breaks, but mostly I want to be here. My husband loves being with the kids, but I think he'd go crazy if it was ALL the time. But, as others have said, it often works out better for some families to do things differently and I think it's great to be flexible!

[mlbuchina]

:iagree::iagree: I'm not sure my hubby even remembers they need food or drink. HE's always shocked when I come back from an outing (2-3 hours) and they rush me like a small mob dying for food and water. :lol:

 

 

LOL! That is the case here, too.

 

And I'm always shocked to come back to a clean house as in SPOTLESS and think How did he manage that, I only manage to keep it picked up and major disasters cleaned- only to discover he never did snacks, meals, played, read books, did Algebra, or made sure the laundry continued. IF I come home and it's a disaster like a bomb went off, then the kids were fed and played with. ;) Never shall the two meet. He laughs and says he could never manage the kids and the house and is quite delighted that I can. I tell him I could never get up at 5:00am, drive through all that traffic and then be pleasant all day to my coworkers and come home and be nice to all of us too. It's a good system for us. He does what he's good at and I do what I am good at and we're happy with the division. :001_smile:

 

This is a great attitude. I love how you edify your dh. I need to tell mine this very thing! The jokes about me in the morning are epic. (I am not/have never been a morning person.:tongue_smilie:)

[juelle]

 

I am thrilled to live in a time where we have so many choices, but why can't homemaking and child raising be legitimate choices?

 

Around here we call it a division of labor.

 

I'm thankful for the freedom, too. And sometimes the labor is a bit TOO divided around here. :glare:

But I LOVE being home with my kids.:001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

i agree with this too, but as our society (at least here in the US) becomes more androgynous the expectations of gender ( at least by societal determinants) is losing the gap and tradition

 

Yeah, same here. Now instead of keeping house and raising kids, we're supposed to work at least part time too!

 

The main problem I find is that men are expected to go to work, and women are expected to go to work AND do everything else, without slowing down for pms, pregnancy or the resulting sleep deprivation. My sister hears enough about my life, I'd have thought, to be cured her unrealistic ideas. But maybe she will have glowing pregnancies, lots of people to help her out, child care she's willing to trust with her precious children and kids who are willing to go! I know one of dh's mates who is around here often thinks I'm lazy, and his (somewhere in the distant future) wife is going to do things properly. Silly fella.

 

I was watching a Michael Palin dvd yesterday and he was talking to a chap about the woman's compound, where they must segregate themselves whilst menstruating. I'm sure I'd have found that outrageously sexist when I was younger, but now I'm impressed about how this "impure" woman idea makes sure the guys leave her alone for a week every month, when she's feeling her weakest, to stay in bed and rest! I could see this kind of sexism working for me at this point in my life :lol:

 

:)

Rosie

[OrganicAnn]

I think the important thing about gender roles is that they people are free to adhere to them or not depending on their own wants and needs.

[elise1mds]

Anyone who has sons and daughters can tell you they are different in very basic ways from the day they are born.

 

Holy cow, no kidding. My daughter BEGGED for a vacuum cleaner for her fifth birthday and uses it religiously every week (and is already upset that I didn't get her a vacuum with attachments to get the corners and under her dresser) while I can barely get my son to clean his room weekly. And they've been raised the same way when it comes to cleaning and having a clean home. Gender roles are hard to kill. I love having that choice, and I love that my husband is "modernized" enough to accept whatever I want to do whether that be work or stay home and/or homeschool. And I LOVE that more dads are becoming SAHDs. It's good for all men to see that roles can be "reversed."

[Rosie_0801]

It wouldn't be good around here if I went to work and he stayed home. It would not be good at all! It would make me bossier than I already am, and neither of us need that! It wouldn't bring out his best either.

 

Rosie

[Dandelion]

IMO societal norms regarding traditional gender roles have significantly changed in the U.S. and elsewhere, although I do believe there are good reasons for those traditional roles as others have pointed out.

 

My own views on gender roles used to be vastly different than they are now. As recently as 2-3 years ago, I was convinced that I could never be a SAHM (let alone a homeschooling mom - that thought had truly never crossed my mind). I got my MBA and was on a fantastic career track with one of the top global high tech companies. After a brief 3-month maternity leave after DS was born, I was back at work full-time. All my friends were working moms (whose husbands worked too - as did mine) so that was all I knew. It was the "norm" for me and I had fully bought into it.

 

All that began to change when my company announced they were going to close down their Colorado location. Since we weren't open to relocating to another state so I could stay with the company, I knew I was going to be laid off within the next year. Around that same time, DS was in preschool and it was not going well (he was bored out of his mind and constantly getting into trouble - his transition to kindergarten wasn't looking promising). I had become friends with a homeschooling mom and shared our school frustrations and concerns with her - she told me about how fantastic homeschooling was and opened up an entirely new world for me. Long story short, we didn't send DS to kindergarten at the end of '08 in anticipation of my being laid off in January '09. We began homeschooling right after my layoff (ok, I took 5 days after my layoff and went on a cruise to the Bahamas with some girlfriends - and THEN we began homeschooling :tongue_smilie:).

 

I won't say it's been an easy transition for me - I was in corporate America for 18 years (working full-time, non-stop) before the layoff. You don't just turn that mentality off from one day to the next. However, I am SO GLAD things worked out the way they did and that I'm home with the kids now. On a bittersweet note, I'm realizing how much I missed with my DS (because I get to experience all those moments with DD now).

 

Sorry this post became so long - but thanks for the opportunity to "re-process" some of this...! ;)

[PiCO]

I agree with everything Rosie has said, but I'm sure glad we have choices these days. I have no interest in fulfilling my "traditional gender role".

 

I love my children dearly, but I need breaks (especially when they were younger.) I love being able to support my family. And it's a good thing I can, because I was widowed 4.5 years ago.

 

Dh & I were more of a team- he took the girls when I needed some alone time, he did a lot of cleaning. I did some bringing home of the bacon. Worked for us.

[Joanne]

Part of my schooling (mine, not the kids) includes theories of counseling. We've covered, briefly, feminist counseling which offers some interesting research and realities about being the woman in a heterosexual relationship.

 

I do believe that biology dictates roles to a certain degree. I believe my body is designed to provide milk to my children for more than the first year; this necessitates proximity.

 

I've also observed that as my kids age and mature, the "role" the male/dad has in the picture grows.

 

When I had my daycare, it was very intersting to me that in all families: mom @ home, mom working @ home and mom working outside the home, it was MOM who handled sick kids, dr's appointments, and most of the kid-related errands and shuffling.

[Rosie_0801]

When I had my daycare, it was very intersting to me that in all families: mom @ home, mom working @ home and mom working outside the home, it was MOM who handled sick kids, dr's appointments, and most of the kid-related errands and shuffling.

 

That seems to happen even when the mother had never even looked at a baby before she had her own. Guys seem to think we just know things because we are female. "Uh, Dude. You know as much about toilet training as I do. If you want to train her, go right ahead!"

 

Rosie

[MamaSheep]

I agree with Rosie that traditional gender roles are traditional because there are different genders and the traditional roles are the best system as a general rule (with room for exceptions as appropriate). The way I see gender roles is that the husband/father generally takes the role of provider and protector, and the wife/mother generally takes the role of nurturer/organizer. But it also seems to work best when both partners view the whole family picture as part of their responsibility rather than taking an attitude of "that's not MY job, it's his/hers so I'm not going to do that no matter what". In other words, even though mom is the primary nurterer, dad will be doing some nurturing too, and even though dad is the primary provider and protector, mom will probably be doing some of that too, whether it's having paid employment, or just bringing home the groceries and making sure streets are crossed carefully.

 

I also would go so far as to opine that our society ought to embrace and celebrate both genders (as equal in value, and equally worthy of honorable regard) rather than trying to obliterate them, blend them, or pit them against each other. I believe that the greatest strength of humankind is produced when masculine and feminine work together, shoring up each other's weak areas and sharing in each other's strengths, in a synergistic union that becomes more than the sum of the parts. I thik women should be proud of their womanhood, and men should be proud to be men. And I think more of us should be willing to stand up and say so. I think a strenthening of gender identities and support for traditional gender roles would produce a much more stable society and happier, healthier families and individuals.

 

And now I will get off my soapbox. Lol. sorry, it's something I feel strongly about.

 

(Knowing that, someone recently pointed out this article to me. Call me old fashioned, but I think having separate bathrooms for different genders in schools is, in general, a GOOD thing. And I think eliminating that practice in order to avoid "discrimination" is taking things a bit too far. I do understand the difficulties involving gay and transgendered kids in schools, but I don't think this is an appropriate solution. Where I live there is often a third bathroom in public places called a "family bathroom" that is just one big room with a sink, a toilet (etc), and a locking door. Like a bathroom at home, not a big place with stalls like the gender-specific bathrooms. Anyone can use it, but its main purpose is to provide a place where a father can take his daughter to the bathroom, or a mother can take her son, without having to encounter other bathroom patrons or make anyone uncomfortable. Maybe a third bathroom option like that would be a better plan. Those who don't want to use a gender specific-bathroom don't have to, but those who DO want the privacy of gender-specific facilities have that option too.) Ok. Really and truly off my soapbox now.

[jillian]

Yeah, same here. Now instead of keeping house and raising kids, we're supposed to work at least part time too!

 

The main problem I find is that men are expected to go to work, and women are expected to go to work AND do everything else, without slowing down for pms, pregnancy or the resulting sleep deprivation. My sister hears enough about my life, I'd have thought, to be cured her unrealistic ideas. But maybe she will have glowing pregnancies, lots of people to help her out, child care she's willing to trust with her precious children and kids who are willing to go! I know one of dh's mates who is around here often thinks I'm lazy, and his (somewhere in the distant future) wife is going to do things properly. Silly fella.

 

I was watching a Michael Palin dvd yesterday and he was talking to a chap about the woman's compound, where they must segregate themselves whilst menstruating. I'm sure I'd have found that outrageously sexist when I was younger, but now I'm impressed about how this "impure" woman idea makes sure the guys leave her alone for a week every month, when she's feeling her weakest, to stay in bed and rest! I could see this kind of sexism working for me at this point in my life :lol:

 

:)

Rosie

exactly!!! it definitely seems to be the idea that we have to do everything and work. i would be a basket case

 

for us, i definitely try to keep the heart of the home going, try hard to let dh be head of household (though i handle the nitty gritty).

 

for us dh has certain requests that i try to adhere to. for example dh likes certain things to try to be done before he gets home from work, this i try to do because i love him and it makes him happy:

1. empty/reload dishwasher

2. wipe down kitchen and bathroom counters

3. collect dirty laundry (from the morning rush)

4. make beds (dd's and ours)

5. keep laundry going (change laundry around/fold/etc)

6. be presentable (clothed, hair brushed, a light bit of makeup, etc)

7. sweep the kitchen

8. shake out the placemats and wipe down dd's tray

9. pay bills

 

Most of htese things are done in one fell swoop and dd helps :)

[Rosie_0801]

for us dh has certain requests that i try to adhere to. for example dh likes certain things to try to be done before he gets home from work, this i try to do because i love him and it makes him happy:

1. empty/reload dishwasher

2. wipe down kitchen and bathroom counters

3. collect dirty laundry (from the morning rush)

4. make beds (dd's and ours)

5. keep laundry going (change laundry around/fold/etc)

6. be presentable (clothed, hair brushed, a light bit of makeup, etc)

7. sweep the kitchen

8. shake out the placemats and wipe down dd's tray

9. pay bills

 

Most of htese things are done in one fell swoop and dd helps :)

 

You can do all of those things in one day? :woot: It's gonna be great when my kids have grown a bit!

 

Rosie

[jillian]

You can do all of those things in one day? :woot: It's gonna be great when my kids have grown a bit!

 

Rosie

lol i've got a 2 year old only. i set her down with a bit of play dough or crayons and paper and she will entertain herself while i clean up the kitchen. sometimes she helps (she has her own broom and gets under the table for me), she picks up her toys.

 

i will run down and change laundry around while she's eating a snack or a meal (not the best idea but i'm quick). she helps me fold laundry, and we take a quick shower or bath together in the morning after the beginning chores and then get dressed and "prettied" up.

 

dh has usually be working shorter days (lately) so not all this gets done BEFORE he gets home but i try my best. i am not a big breakfast person so after i get dd settled into her chair to eat (she has a booster style seat with a tray) and then do the dishwasher, wipe counters, etc. i make beds as soon as we get up and dd makes her own bed :)

 

a quick pot of coffee really gets me going lol. we also do a bible story (catholic children's bible stories) in the morning if we have time :)

[jld]

Amy, your second paragraph I found absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much.

 

I think for those of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s, there was so much emphasis on the benefits of androgyny, that some of us kind of lost the potential value of gender identification. You're really making me think.

 

I'd like to hear more about what you've read, and how your church may have influenced your beliefs on this subject.

 

I'm learning a ton from everyone's comments. I was, as I said, a little embarrassed to even bring this subject up, but I see I am not the only one who has pondered the value of gender roles, while absolutely respecting the value of androgyny, as well.

 

Thank you, ladies. It is truly humbling how much we can learn from one another.

[Subterranean Society]

I'm one that appreciates gender bending. I can at once comfort my children from fear and tear the heart out of anyone who may bring them harm. I can cook, clean, do laundry, change nappies and then go kick butt. Meet the demands of my wife? She knows better. But I will listen to her concerns and desires; I will comfort her in need; I will be empathetic toward her; I will change my patterns of behavior when necessary to benefit the foundation and integrity of our relationship.

 

It's actually pretty nice being a modern man.

 

Interesting question that certainly makes me want to write so much more than I have time for.

Edited April 14, 2010 by Subterranean Society

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I've often wondered what school would be like here if it was Dh in charge.

 

 

Hmmm, that scares me! :scared:

 

Giving birth made me rather possessive! ;)

 

:iagree:

 

I think I was born in the wrong decade!

 

:iagree:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Actually, my dh is a better housekeeper than I am. He's a pretty good cook too although he's never had to cook all 3 meals day after day for a family. He's better at explaining math and science than I am. But he's still a man and approaches all of that with a man's perspective. I have noticed though that he either doesn't pick up on the kid's emotional needs as much as I do or perhaps he doesn't put as high a priority on them.

[Joanne]

I think for those of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s, there was so much emphasis on the benefits of androgyny, that some of us kind of lost the potential value of gender identification. You're really making me think.

 

 

 

I agree. Remember the women's business "suits" of the 80's? Looked exactly like a man's as we entered the workforce and were looking for equality?

 

I've had the screeching, strident, mom-bashing 70's version of feminism in my head all these decades. As a result, I can't self-identify as a feminist.

[Subterranean Society]

I have noticed though that he either doesn't pick up on the kid's emotional needs as much as I do or perhaps he doesn't put as high a priority on them.

 

But it is something we men can learn to do. I know full well that I have some learning and changing to do when it comes to my daughter. I also know full well that I am much more attuned to the overall emotional energy in our home than my wife.

[Melinda in VT]

I think a strenthening of gender identities and support for traditional gender roles would produce a much more stable society and happier, healthier families and individuals.

 

I disagree. I think focusing on traditional gender roles often prevents individuals and couples from recognizing their true strengths and gifts and using those to solve the challenges they face.

 

I think what is needed (and I see this where I live) is an increased valuing of the work of home and family, whoever performs the work. Making a home, taking care of the people in it, and educating children are vital, and should be considered such.

[cdrumm4448]

my children would be feral after the 1st week.

 

That is exactly what I say about my own dh. I don't understand the male way of doing things, and I prefer to handle most things regarding the house and children my way. Not that I have to actually DO everything myself, mind you, but if dh does handle something, I would prefer it was my way.:lol:

[jld]

Very important points, Melinda. It makes sense that people should develop their talents, regardless of gender, to feel fulfilled as individuals, and to contribute to the world. We all bring something unique to society. Thanks for bringing that up!

[fairfarmhand]

I suppose the most annoying thing when these type of topics are brought up, is that many people in the mainstream do not think that mothering/housekeeping are valid career tracks for women...that these roles are "stifling" for women or somehow demeaning.

 

My dh has a coworker that thinks what we do is crazy. But honestly, I could never meet the needs of my family if I tried to work 40 plus hours outside the home. What I really believe is that these people do not have a clue what they are missing. I know how exhausted I would be if I had a job and tried to keep up with things here too; we would eat tons of restaurant/prepackaged/frozen food instead of cooked meals from scratch. The kids might get a few minutes of one on one time with mom or dad, the house might actually be a little cleaner since we would not be here that much. But I know my marriage would suffer. We just would not have time for each other. And exhaustion would eliminate much intimacy after the kids went to bed.

 

Perhaps the pace of living for 2 income people contributes to the high divorce rate in the US? Not that I am claiming that 2 income people WILL get divorced, but it has to be much more difficult to find time as a couple when most of their lives are spent racing in different directions putting out fires. It would be SO hard to find a good balance.

 

All that for a little money??? no thanks. I'd rather clip coupons, drive a clunker, and skip our summer vacations.

 

Yes, there needs to be room for flexibility in this; not saying that traditional ways are the only ways to go. Moms need the freedom to be a person out side of the family unit; dad's need to be able to emotionally bond with their children; but you can find value as a mother and wife by being there for the family.

[Peela]

We have pretty traditional roles, but dh taught ME to love shopping. If he misses his weekend swap meet fix he gets very distressed! He loves to come home with his "kill" and show the family (well, we usually go too but if we dont, we all have to gather around and congratulate him when he comes home, on his bargains :) ).

He is also very good at fixing things around the house and likes the house to be neat and tidy and will do a fair bit toward that. I havent managed to convince him yet that not bringing home so much STUFF would make it easier to keep the house tidy, but I am working on it.

He had a perfectionist mum who taught him to clean and to keep his stuff tidy. He hangs all his clothes except socks and underwear. He has more clothes than any man I know. He has to have his own bathroom. It's just best.

As far as taking care of the kids goes...its pretty traditionally split, though. I do 95% of it.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I see nothing wrong with certain natural gender roles, but to apply gender across the board to everything done in a relationship or at home is just plain silly to me.

 

For example, I do all the grilling. Dh doesn't cook and when we were first married I was in mortal fear of salmonella from partially cooked meat. He's never complained, but my friends shake their heads in wonder. Their husbands are kings of the grill.

 

Also, dh is just not a disciplinarian. He would let the kids do whatever they wanted then wonder what went wrong later. So I'm the one setting the rules and consequences and seeing that they are carried out. However, he is a great nurturer and a fun guy to be with. I don't have a funny bone in my body.

 

He takes out the trash, because I don't want to do it, not because I believe it is his job. I could do it, and have done so many times when he was out to sea. Just because I can do something, doesn't mean I should or that I am locked into that role. Last week dh cleaned out the refrigerator. Sometimes he hangs out laundry, vacuums, and washes dishes. Sometimes he makes the bed and changes the sheets, but I've yet to see him clean a toilet. LOL.

 

I think dh had very traditional ideas when we got married, and to some extent those have held, but he adapts easily to whatever is needed from him. Isn't that how we should all be.?

[jld]

Your last two sentences made me lol, Peela!

[jld]

Yes, Virginia Dawn!:)

[juelle]

I had to do a mental check when I realised that I could grill better than dh, and that is OK!

Funny the categories we put ourselves in, without realising it:001_smile:

[Joanne]

I suppose the most annoying thing when these type of topics are brought up, is that many people in the mainstream do not think that mothering/housekeeping are valid career tracks for women...that these roles are "stifling" for women or somehow demeaning.

 

My dh has a coworker that thinks what we do is crazy. But honestly, I could never meet the needs of my family if I tried to work 40 plus hours outside the home. What I really believe is that these people do not have a clue what they are missing. I know how exhausted I would be if I had a job and tried to keep up with things here too; we would eat tons of restaurant/prepackaged/frozen food instead of cooked meals from scratch. The kids might get a few minutes of one on one time with mom or dad, the house might actually be a little cleaner since we would not be here that much. But I know my marriage would suffer. We just would not have time for each other. And exhaustion would eliminate much intimacy after the kids went to bed.

 

Perhaps the pace of living for 2 income people contributes to the high divorce rate in the US? Not that I am claiming that 2 income people WILL get divorced, but it has to be much more difficult to find time as a couple when most of their lives are spent racing in different directions putting out fires. It would be SO hard to find a good balance.

 

All that for a little money??? no thanks. I'd rather clip coupons, drive a clunker, and skip our summer vacations.

 

Yes, there needs to be room for flexibility in this; not saying that traditional ways are the only ways to go. Moms need the freedom to be a person out side of the family unit; dad's need to be able to emotionally bond with their children; but you can find value as a mother and wife by being there for the family.

 

I don't find that many people where I've lived as a SAHM (which I am not anymore) react that way. I've lived in Arizona (suburb of Phoenix) and Texas (suburb of Houston). Most reactions I've gotten were completely non-emotional and that being a SAHM was as valid a choice as not.

 

For many years, I was an outspoken advocate for SAHM. I now work *at* home, outside the home and am a full time student. All while homeschooling mine and others. Yes, it's busy and stressful. But one thing I've been challenged on is the assumptions I made as a SAHM about "what others were missing". I've learned that being challenged and fulfilled as a woman/human makes me a better mom and wife.

 

For my situation, it's a lot more complicated and productive than "a little money".