I hate entertaining kids that are picky eaters....

[KristineIN]

Dd had two friends over today (they are sisters and are celiacs)and are picky eaters. We had Chili for lunch, they wasted half a bowl then were hungry later I had some mixed fruit, they picked only what they wanted. Sorry, this is not how we eat, my daughter complained because I didn't add very many beans (I knew these girls didn't like a lot of beans in their chili) My children clean their bowls and want more. Normally I try and do playdays that are after a meal because of this reason. Sorry, back to regularly schedule programming I just needed to vent.

 

Kristine

[Sunkirst]

One of our best friends has a very limited diet (no dietary issues, just picky). I now ask his mom to pack a lunch and a snack. It's the only way we can have him over.

[j.griff]

I realize you were venting, :D so you can totally ignore the rest of this if you want.

 

I hear that you are irritated by the pickiness and the wastefulness. I suggest you look at the

situation a tiny bit differently. Instead of disliking the "waste", don't consider it to be wasted.

You had guests, and you set aside a certain amount of food for them- so whether they eat it or

not, the food is "gone". You are being hospitable, and would probably enjoy the visit much more

if you shifted your perspective and didn't give it another thought.

And now you know they won't eat much chili anyway, LOL, so you can put all the beans in it you

want next time (if you serve chili again).

Just my $0.02

[Plaid Dad]

We have a picky eater, and I usually try to send food with her. I would definitely do so for a child with a serious food allergy. Could you perhaps bring it up gently to the parents and ask that they send something along next time? "Little Johnny and Jimmy ate almost nothing, and I was worried that they are hungry. Would you be able to send a snack along with them in case they don't like what we're serving?"

[awanama]

I have a picky eater and pack her lunch/supper if she is going somewhere. I even do it if we are going to grandma's.

[Tami]

we have always had a value of eating what is put in front of us and THANKING the hostess. However, to some families it is not a big deal, and personal preferences are more valued. It sounds like it is a values/family style clash to me.

 

It drives me nuts, too, I feel better by announcing that our family rule is that if you don't eat your meal, you don't get a snack later. Eat it or don't eat it, but I am not going to cater. You are not alone in this buggin' ya!

 

The next time, I would ask their mom to pack a lunch and snack. Grrrrr

 

: )

Tami

[Old Dominion Heather]

That drives me crazy too. I think I am spoiled by my kids who will eat anything...although, sometimes they are too excited when at a friend's house to eat much. Maybe they were just too hyped up to eat?

[Doran]

Dd had two friends over today (they are sisters and are celiacs)and are picky eaters. We had Chili for lunch, they wasted half a bowl then were hungry later I had some mixed fruit, they picked only what they wanted. Sorry, this is not how we eat, my daughter complained because I didn't add very many beans (I knew these girls didn't like a lot of beans in their chili) My children clean their bowls and want more. Normally I try and do playdays that are after a meal because of this reason. Sorry, back to regularly schedule programming I just needed to vent.

 

Kristine

 

I'm sure I'll be singing this same song starting tomorrow. We're keeping two boys for 36 hours. They are among the pickiest eaters I've ever met. I just did grocery shopping and bought things I know they like (that we rarely serve anymore -- Amy's Pizza Pockets, Annies boxed mac & cheese). I'm hoping they'll eat tacos for dinner, because otherwise, I'm not sure what they will eat. Blah. I am so grateful for the way my children eat, but I have to admit, I'm not certain it's a complete accident, kwim?

 

Doran

[abbeyej]

I think the best approach might be to tell their mother, "You know, since I'm not really familiar with celiac, I'm just very concerned that I may accidentally poison the little darlings. I'd love to have them over, but I'd feel so much better if they brought a sack lunch -- and then all the kids can just have a little picnic!"

 

As a mom of a child with dietary restrictions, I usually pack his meals for him unless he's going to be at the house of a good friend we've known for a few years, who has made it clear she doesn't mind going out of her way for him. For everyone else, we either avoid being there for a meal, or I let them know ahead of time that I'll bring something for him. Even without pickiness, I don't think it's fair to put the pressure of feeding a child with severe allergies or celiac on a hostess who doesn't deal with that on a regular basis.

 

My other child went through a period of what to me was unacceptable pickiness. It made me insane, lol, so I totally sympathize with you there, but there wasn't much I could do about it. (I'm not saying that's the case with these girls' family -- maybe they overindulge the pickiness, I don't know -- but it's also possible to have a kid go through a phase like that even when one is doing things "right". Ugh.) Anyway, for *your* sanity, *if* you have those girls over for a meal again, I would simply serve whatever (gluten-free) thing you would normally serve (i.e. don't alter your chili recipe), but give them nearly microscopic servings. If they request more, go for it, but give them enough so that you won't feel it's wasted even if they only take three bites. (I once heard a rule for beverage-pouring for young children -- "never pour more at once than you would mind seeing spilled" -- same principle here.) If you serve fruit, I wouldn't cut up lots -- simply offer, "would you like apples or oranges"... Simpler is better. Small servings is better.

 

One last thing. Just because your children clean their plates and request more doesn't mean that other children eat that much. My son is the least picky child I know -- he has things he can't eat because of allergies, but he *loves* to try new foods and rarely turns anything down -- but he doesn't eat as *much* as a lot of kids we know. Both of my kids are eating a ton more now than they did a few months ago, and it's still significantly less than many of their friends. It's just the way they are.

[Tracey in TX]

When a child is hungry enough, they will eventually eat!

I've never catered to a fussy eater, whether my own children or guests. I make one (or sometimes two) items. Beyond that, meal time is in X hours.

 

We had a great nanny who taught my kiddos "ya' get what ya' get, and ya' don't throw a fit" mantra. They tell it to friends if they don't like what's being served. Unless I'm opening a restaurant, it's one meal fits all.

 

Y'all are seriously sweet to be considerate of fussy eaters!!:thumbup:

[amy g.]

I hear you!

 

My dd had a friend over. We had cinnamon toast made with homemade bread.

 

She wouldn't eat it because it was whole wheat.

 

We had a snack of grapes and carrot sticks. Oh no, she never eats that.

 

For lunch, I made homemade fettucini alfredo. She wouldn't eat it because I added fresh steamed broccoli.

 

I was quite happy to see her go home even though she is a sweet kid, and I adore her mom.

[Needleroozer]

I think the best approach might be to tell their mother, "You know, since I'm not really familiar with celiac, I'm just very concerned that I may accidentally poison the little darlings. I'd love to have them over, but I'd feel so much better if they brought a sack lunch -- and then all the kids can just have a little picnic!"

 

As a mom of a child with dietary restrictions, I usually pack his meals for him unless he's going to be at the house of a good friend we've known for a few years, who has made it clear she doesn't mind going out of her way for him. For everyone else, we either avoid being there for a meal, or I let them know ahead of time that I'll bring something for him. Even without pickiness, I don't think it's fair to put the pressure of feeding a child with severe allergies or celiac on a hostess who doesn't deal with that on a regular basis.

 

My other child went through a period of what to me was unacceptable pickiness. It made me insane, lol, so I totally sympathize with you there, but there wasn't much I could do about it. (I'm not saying that's the case with these girls' family -- maybe they overindulge the pickiness, I don't know -- but it's also possible to have a kid go through a phase like that even when one is doing things "right". Ugh.) Anyway, for *your* sanity, *if* you have those girls over for a meal again, I would simply serve whatever (gluten-free) thing you would normally serve (i.e. don't alter your chili recipe), but give them nearly microscopic servings. If they request more, go for it, but give them enough so that you won't feel it's wasted even if they only take three bites. (I once heard a rule for beverage-pouring for young children -- "never pour more at once than you would mind seeing spilled" -- same principle here.) If you serve fruit, I wouldn't cut up lots -- simply offer, "would you like apples or oranges"... Simpler is better. Small servings is better.

 

One last thing. Just because your children clean their plates and request more doesn't mean that other children eat that much. My son is the least picky child I know -- he has things he can't eat because of allergies, but he *loves* to try new foods and rarely turns anything down -- but he doesn't eat as *much* as a lot of kids we know. Both of my kids are eating a ton more now than they did a few months ago, and it's still significantly less than many of their friends. It's just the way they are.

 

Ditto! I was just getting ready to respond and say the same things. We have severe allergies, pickiness, and small appetites here. I have always packed their own food- it just makes it easier. And when they go someplace where special foods aren't an issue (we have several friends who have similar allergies), I just tell the parent to add our snacks or fruit to the mix. Bringing your own food just makes it so much easier-one less thing for the hostess to have to worry about.

[Doran]

When a child is hungry enough, they will eventually eat!....

Y'all are seriously sweet to be considerate of fussy eaters!!:thumbup:

 

 

All true. But, IME, hungry teenage boys, one of whom has Asbergers, are a worse punishment than me buying a few things I know they'll eat. If they were my kids...we'd be talking a whole different story! But, for two days, I'll cater, if for no other reason than to keep the peace!

 

Doran

[Only me]

This drives me crazy too. I guess it depends on how long we are having the guest.

 

A few years back we watched my nephew for 10 days while his parents were out of town. He is the same age as my ds and both were 7 at the time. The first afternoon we had him he wanted candy at 5:00 even though he already had a snack a few hours earlier. I told him to wait until dinner at 5:30 yet he picked at his dinner and barely had anything. The following day he woudn't eat breakfast because his parents never made him. He barely ate any lunch. By this time we had him for over 24 hours and he only had a few bites of food. We went out to a pizza place that also has video games. He refused to eat any pizza, even though pizza is his favorite food. We told him that he had to have one piece and then he could go play. Since all the kids were waiting for him (including a child from another family that we were with) we let the other kids go play and he had to wait until he finished the one small piece. Of course he was furious but he ate the pizza and was playing with the other kids within 10 minutes. Of course to this day he tells us how mean we were because he had to sit for hours while the other kids played. I felt because he was in our care for so long that it was our responsibility to get him to eat. We could tell that his behavior was even being affected by not eating.

 

The rest of the week he continued to be very picky. At home his parents let him eat candy all day long if he wants to and rarely make him actually sit down for a meal. Most of his diet consists of fast food or snacks. One night we were having meat and vegetables. It is a rule in my house that you need to eat your food (not necessarily all if it) if you want dessert. He refused to eat any vegetables so we told him he couldn't have dessert. Since he was with us for such a long period of time we weren't going to bend the rules, especially since my son was the same age as he was. He never made him eat the vegetables but wouldn't give in on the dessert. Now 3 years later he still tells everyone how "mean" we were for forcing him to eat vegetables. Some people in my family think we were too harsh and should have just given in and let him eat candy when he wanted to etc.

 

On the other hand if we are in charge of kids for only one meal (sleepover etc.) we may handle it a little differently. A few months ago we invited this nephew to dinner/video games with us at the same place where we had the pizza 3 years earlier. We knew that my nephew wouldn't eat the pizza so we allowed him to eat chicken nuggets (his choice) instead. He wouldn't eat those either. At that point we knew he would be going home the next day and didn't necessarily have to worry about his long term nutrition intake so we just let him go play. A few weeks ago we had a birthday party at this same pizza place and invited this nephew. Of course he didn't want the pizza but we didn't offer anything different because he wouldn't eat it anyway. We figured he wouldn't starve so we left it up to him whether or not he wanted to eat it. It was frustrating but we figured that we offered him food so we did our part.

 

The bottom line is that I feel that when you have young guests for a meal that your responsibility is to provide something for them to eat. If they choose not to eat it then you shouldn't worry about it. You have done your part. I've tried to teach my kids to not be picky when they are eating at another house. My kids will always eat what they are served but tend to ask for a small portion and often don't have seconds if they don't like something.

[st_claire]

I *am* a picky eater :( Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats. I would love to eat most things, but a lot of them make me sick. I will bring some snacks with me, or eat before we go somewhere if I expect not to be able to eat the meal (always have to do this when we go to dh's parents, they *love* making food I can't eat lol).

 

Anyway, just wanted to give some input from the other side. Many picky eaters really wish they weren't picky.

[Pajama Mama]

My kids are adventurous eaters compared to others. My kids' friends are all picky in one way or another. We have "real food" here most nights. We had roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy one night. My ds's friend ate over(sort of). He asked if I could make him a pizza. Umm, no. I only allow my kids to invite their friends over on pizza nights now. It saves me alot of aggravation:001_rolleyes:

[Jane in NC]

Please do not be offended by my question, but I ask it because I am truly interested in your responses. At what point does a picky eater become a rude guest?

 

Let me explain. If anyone has food allergies or preferences (like vegetarianism), I understand if they may not wish to eat what is offered to them. In fact, as a hostess, I often ask beforehand if my new guests have any food allergies or preferences. For example, if a vegetarian is coming and we are serving fish, I make sure that I have something like a cous cous dish with chick peas so that we all have a side and the vegetarian has a main dish with some protein.

 

When my son was much, much younger, I understood how foods that appeared differently to some young guests would be treated with suspicion. No problem. But I have had children fill their plate with one item from the offerings (the one thing that they really like--basically depleting all of the cantaloupe or whatever so that no else gets any) but not trying anything else. Apparently some children eat only what they really like and not any items which are so-so to their palates. We are talking about kids at ten, twelve, fourteen, etc.

 

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

 

Jane

[abbeyej]

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

 

Well, gosh, by three or four I'd expect a child to be able to sit at the table for an entire meal, join in the conversation when appropriate, and not make faces.

 

Whether or not they *eat* the food is, to me, a different matter. There's no need for a child to be rude *and* not eat the food. Even if they're terribly picky and eat a self-prescribed limited diet, they can say, "No thank you, I don't care for any" as easily as they can say, "Yuck! I don't want any of that." And, of course, eating all of a particular food so that others don't have access is also a rudeness, and one that I would expect even younger children to be taught to recognize and avoid.

[lynn]

I must agree. I have a BIL who tells me "remember I don't eat vegetables" the guy is 50yearsold.

 

 

My ds planned to have a friend over after classes and I planned to pick up a pizza for the boys and bring it home the friend tells me "I don't like cheese":001_huh: what, a child who won't eat pizza because he doesn't like cheese.......that was a new one to me.

[Joanne]

Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats.

 

I hear you, I really do. But in my experience (my kids, a full daycare, being "the" kid house in the neighborhood, my experience with very picky eaters is that parental response influences it greatly. A large percentage of my picky eaters *were* holding out for treats or short order cooking.

 

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

 

I left a long time cherished internet site over this issue. (I returned, but it's not the same). It's a site that embraces non punitive, Christian parenting. But sometimes "non punitive" there leans permissive and many of the members have only littles, still. I posted that I wish I had "done food" differently with my kids; it's one of my biggest regrets. That I had adopted a "eat or starve" policy. I was not offering alternatives, other options or food soon after a planned meal or snack. You could eat what I made. Or not.

 

To directly answer your question, I *do* place value on having kids who can eat from a church pot luck or already scripted menu. Who don't always look for the "chicken nuggets" on a restaurant menu. Who don't over-eat their share of foods planned for "X" people. I think school aged kids should be well on their way to that.

 

If I could do food over again with my crew, I'd never even introduce kids menu items.

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

I *am* a picky eater :( Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats. I would love to eat most things, but a lot of them make me sick. I will bring some snacks with me, or eat before we go somewhere if I expect not to be able to eat the meal (always have to do this when we go to dh's parents, they *love* making food I can't eat lol).

 

Anyway, just wanted to give some input from the other side. Many picky eaters really wish they weren't picky.

 

I agree SOOOOO much with you. Sure, there are some families out there that do not put much emphasis on eating healthy or correctly. However, you should not assume that just because someone won't eat what YOUR family may enjoy or will not eat as much as your child that they are spoiled or were not taught correctly. I grew up "picky" and did not learn until my son started developing my behavior that I am actually afraid of new foods. Like Claire, eating something that my brain finds "disgusting" by looking at makes me physically ill (now I have grown out of this a bit, but for some things I still have that issue) While a food might be enjoyable to everyone in your family, a guest may never have seen it and may be unsure of it. Assuming people, especially young children, to just chow down and feel that same what about it as your family is a bit presumptuous.

 

Now, on the other end, if a guest is very picky, their parents should be more proactive with you on their food preferences. I always talk to the parents first and inform them of my child's "picky" behavior. PB&J almost ALWAYS works as a substitute for him. Depending on the family, I will send food with him or they will accommodate him because they know his behavior. He is working on it and is getting considerably better, but it is really not something he can control. As Claire said, true picky eaters do NOT want to be picky. I sooooooooooooo wish I could eat anything out there. It would save a LOT of trouble.

 

As for those who parents spoil them and give them candy and food whenever they ask, you can not change their families behavior. You can let the child (and parent possibly) know the food rules in your house. If he does not care for the food rules and continues to whine or complain, play dates can take place at his house. Of course, you then have to worry about the food behavior he will experience there :D

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

Please do not be offended by my question, but I ask it because I am truly interested in your responses. At what point does a picky eater become a rude guest?

 

Let me explain. If anyone has food allergies or preferences (like vegetarianism), I understand if they may not wish to eat what is offered to them. In fact, as a hostess, I often ask beforehand if my new guests have any food allergies or preferences. For example, if a vegetarian is coming and we are serving fish, I make sure that I have something like a cous cous dish with chick peas so that we all have a side and the vegetarian has a main dish with some protein.

 

When my son was much, much younger, I understood how foods that appeared differently to some young guests would be treated with suspicion. No problem. But I have had children fill their plate with one item from the offerings (the one thing that they really like--basically depleting all of the cantaloupe or whatever so that no else gets any) but not trying anything else. Apparently some children eat only what they really like and not any items which are so-so to their palates. We are talking about kids at ten, twelve, fourteen, etc.

 

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

 

Jane

 

Jane, I imagine this is really dependent on the child and how they were raised. We all wish parents would teach their children respect and those teachings would sink in by a certain age. But alas, it does not always happen.

 

As mentioned earlier, my eldest ds (8yo) is a very picky eater. It is a mental issue on new foods with him. He will make a face and put his hands out if offered something he does not like (saying "no thank you" also). He does not mean to offend with the face, it is just his way of expressing his emotions when he sees a new food. I do hope he will outgrow this. Otherwise, he is a very polite boy (for an 8 yo). He doesn't really go to other people's houses much, so his experience with this issue is generally limited to good friends and family. He is very conscious of eating healthy and will eat lettuce by itself (even tho he isn't overly fond of it) just to get some vegetables (the only vegetable he has been able to stomach really...tho we are working on corn).

 

He sits at the table politely and waits generally for everyone to sit down before eating. He is a little silly at the table, but not overly so (he is silly everywhere really). Assuming it is not a long meal, I think children as young as 4 or 5 can be expected to sit politely during most meals.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Dd had two friends over today (they are sisters and are celiacs)and are picky eaters. We had Chili for lunch, they wasted half a bowl then were hungry later I had some mixed fruit, they picked only what they wanted. Sorry, this is not how we eat, my daughter complained because I didn't add very many beans (I knew these girls didn't like a lot of beans in their chili) My children clean their bowls and want more. Normally I try and do playdays that are after a meal because of this reason. Sorry, back to regularly schedule programming I just needed to vent.

 

Kristine

 

:iagree: We eat all organic at home. So, I really feel like I am flushing money down the.........drain.

 

Gretchen

[Angel]

Wow! Your responses amaze me. I usually do not reply to the kind of threads that hit a note with me but...well, I guess that I'm making an exception.

 

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. When she was much younger (she's now 13) it was much worse. She is not being whiny, picky, ungrateful, etc. She simply can not tolerate certain kinds of foods. Mix that with certain kinds of smells that sometimes arise while cooking, and sometimes she can not even finish what she started.

 

I think it was great of you to prepare something special for your kid's friends. I bet that was very much appreciated by the little one's mom. I know that I let my friends know ahead of time that my dd doesn't eat very much, and not to be alarmed if she doesn't eat at all. I don't expect them to make a special meal for her, and she doesn't either, she just won't eat till she gets home. If they ask me, I'll tell them what she does like.

 

Many of my friends certainly don't understand why I cater to my dd's sensitivities. They are much like you in that "kids should eat what is put on their plate." Well, hurray for those kiddos who can do so. Not all are blessed with this. Sometimes God has different paths for others of us to take and we are not less of a parent because we cater to a child who is in need of a different food plan.

 

If you would rather not "waste" your food, then by all means ask the other mom to pack something for them and then please say a prayer of thanks that your darling kiddos don't have to worry about this.

 

I really don't want to come across as rude. I usually skip posts about "little Johnny won't eat, what should I do" because I get upset at all the mom's going on about kids cleaning their plate and how they won't be short order cooks for no one and all I can think about is what if little Johnny is like my dd, what torture that would be for him.

 

I'm now climbing off my soapbox and I'm going to go :chillpill:

 

Angel

[ereks mom]

We have always had a value of eating what is put in front of us and THANKING the hostess.

 

...our family rule is that if you don't eat your meal, you don't get a snack later. Eat it or don't eat it, but I am not going to cater.

 

Yep, we have those same rules at our house. I taught my dc that being picky is an INSULT to the cook.

 

When we entertain people with special dietary needs, I accomodate them by cooking "permissable" foods for them. That, I don't mind. But pickiness is a whole 'nother story!

[Janet in WA]

I guess I was more tolerant of those kids because my dh and my middle ds (Asperger's) were the pickiest eaters on earth and I had to feed them every day. Consequently, I always had "picky eater alternatives" available, and picky guests could feel right at home.

[Remudamom]

Hmm, the last time my nieces came to visit I had a chicken sphagetti ready for them. My sister said they wouldn't eat it, but they liked mac n cheese. We made homemade mac. They wouldn't touch it. We borrowed some store bought from neighbors. Cooked it. It wasn't Kraft, they wouldn't eat it.

 

Then they devoured the chicken sphagetti.

[PrairieAir]

This is one of my pet peeves also. I don't mind fixing things especially for a kid with allergies, but I do not tolerate overly picky kids well. If I'm serving food to other people's kids, I try to keep it very kid friendly and things that most kids like. If it is a guest that isn't over often, I will even cater to the kid a little as at dd's b-day party with some of her friends. However, if these are kids that are over often and are major complainers, I get irritated. And if these kids are over at my house because I'm watching them as a favor, I simply don't put up with it. You eat what we have available or you go hungry.

 

My kids would not think of complaining or asking for something else at someone else's house. Shoot, they'll barely let you know if they're starving. I was raised to believe that's rude and I've taught my kids the same. They will very nicely let me know they don't particularly care for something at home, but they eat what they are given at other places.

 

It wouldn't bother me so much if a kid just politely refused something they were offered to eat, but kids who make rude comments ("Ew, that's YUCKY!") or are very demanding really get on my nerves. That just don't fly 'round here!

[Whisperlily]

Wow! Your responses amaze me. I usually do not reply to the kind of threads that hit a note with me but...well, I guess that I'm making an exception.

 

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. When she was much younger (she's now 13) it was much worse. She is not being whiny, picky, ungrateful, etc. She simply can not tolerate certain kinds of foods. Mix that with certain kinds of smells that sometimes arise while cooking, and sometimes she can not even finish what she started.

 

I think it was great of you to prepare something special for your kid's friends. I bet that was very much appreciated by the little one's mom. I know that I let my friends know ahead of time that my dd doesn't eat very much, and not to be alarmed if she doesn't eat at all. I don't expect them to make a special meal for her, and she doesn't either, she just won't eat till she gets home. If they ask me, I'll tell them what she does like.

 

Many of my friends certainly don't understand why I cater to my dd's sensitivities. They are much like you in that "kids should eat what is put on their plate." Well, hurray for those kiddos who can do so. Not all are blessed with this. Sometimes God has different paths for others of us to take and we are not less of a parent because we cater to a child who is in need of a different food plan.

 

If you would rather not "waste" your food, then by all means ask the other mom to pack something for them and then please say a prayer of thanks that your darling kiddos don't have to worry about this.

 

I really don't want to come across as rude. I usually skip posts about "little Johnny won't eat, what should I do" because I get upset at all the mom's going on about kids cleaning their plate and how they won't be short order cooks for no one and all I can think about is what if little Johnny is like my dd, what torture that would be for him.

 

I'm now climbing off my soapbox and I'm going to go :chillpill:

 

Angel

 

 

I totally agree with you. Totally. I'm currently working with 2 of my children who have sensory issues and we're actually making progress... they're starting to EAT. Add severe food allergies to the sensory "roadblocks" to eating and it can get worrisome.

 

I have some information from a food therapist about helping children through the developmental process of eating, and working through some sensory roadblocks. It's starting to work with my DD (age 3) and I wish I'd had this information when my DS9 was younger. Some things I'm doing with DD, I do in his presence, and have him help me "teach" her so that he gets some benefit too.

 

It has been immensely helpful. I hate it when people say "when a child gets hungry he'll eat." Even for kids that have no sensory problems, this is not always true. There can be an involuntary emotional response of appetite suppression to punishment with regard to food, and many children this therapist works with have built eating roadblocks because of the parents forcing the child to eat foods, or creating a battleground in the food arena. Normal kids also may have to be talked through certain food related hangups.

 

If you're interested in the information I have, I would be happy to share them with you. There may be a way to work through some of the food issues your child is facing. It might take time, but you might find it worthwhile to see if any of it applies to you or your child.

 

FWIW, I always pack a lunch or make sure my children have eaten before going to someone's house. I have learned that people understand issues they can SEE, and ignore/downplay those they can't. :mad:

[Doran]

Wow! Your responses amaze me. I usually do not reply to the kind of threads that hit a note with me but...well, I guess that I'm making an exception.

 

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. When she was much younger (she's now 13) it was much worse. She is not being whiny, picky, ungrateful, etc. She simply can not tolerate certain kinds of foods. Mix that with certain kinds of smells that sometimes arise while cooking, and sometimes she can not even finish what she started.

...[snip]...

 

 

As one of the seemingly "intolerant" respondents, I want to chime back in. I have the sense (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you would -- or could -- explain the circumstances to parents who might be hosting your child(ren), or you, as the case may be. I know that, as children get older, that is more difficult, and it's probably not possible in every instance. But, I'm pretty sure, if it was me, and my kid(s), I would give counsel to any mother who might be fixing food for a child whose sensory issues severely affected her ability to eat "normally". It would be as simple as saying "Julia has some sensory issues, so don't worry if she doesn't eat well while she's at your house. We'll feed her when she gets home if necessary." Or, "I've packed a few snacks for little Junior. He has some sensory issues, so he might be more comfortable with his own food. I just didn't want you to be surprised by that."

 

I can see why these kinds of discussions might push your buttons, and I'm truly sorry. It would be so hard to have the issues you describe and feel that parents were completely insensitive. However, I stand by my earlier remarks. While I'm sure there are some children who simply CAN'T eat what is offered, there are plenty of others (I dare say *more*) whose parents have enabled pickiness in one fashion or another.

 

Again, my apologies if I seemed uncaring. It was not intentional, and I appreciate you ladies pointing out that there is, almost always, another side to the story.

 

Doran

[Tami]

Yep, we have those same rules at our house. I taught my dc that being picky is an INSULT to the cook.

 

When we entertain people with special dietary needs, I accomodate them by cooking "permissable" foods for them. That, I don't mind. But pickiness is a whole 'nother story!

 

I should say that I only have experience with run-of-the-mill pickiness, and children who have never seen a vegetable. Obviously if there is more going on, that would be another story. I have merely seen overindulged kids who are constantly binging on junk food and who don't realize how much time and work it take to actually COOK. :)

 

Or quite possibly, I am just ornery. :D

[Angel]

Whisperlily,

 

It's nice not to be alone :001_smile: My dd is now 13, and as we didn't understand fully and completely her sensory issues till she was 9 (almost 10), we did the best we could. She is much better about eating now, and I am much smarter about working around her special needs. I thank you for the offer of help, though. It is nice that you've caught it early in her. My dd will still not touch pasta, except Kraft mac & cheese (and that only rarely and usually the character kind only). I chuckled at the person who mentioned trying to fix homemade mac & cheese and then buying mac & cheese and it not being craft. My dd is not a brat but it is totally about the texture. There are many other things she will not eat and some she still (after working with her) that she can't stand the smell of (eggs and waffles being some). The only known allergy she has is red dye #40 in liquid...she throws up for hours or till it's out of her system. I suspect others but we've done no testing for it.

 

And just so everyone knows. Dd never says "Eeww yuck" or is disrespectful in any way. She never has been that way because we have taught her not to. In fact, now that she is older, she is embarrassed about her food sensitivities because other people notice and make mention of it or about her being a picky eater...even when it is much more than that. And dd would not eventually eat something that makes or gag or almost throw up. She would go hungry if nothing else was available. Gagging on your food really does put a damper on your appetite.:ack2:

 

Good luck with your kids Whisperlily. I certainly can understand the struggles. I remember those days when she was younger and I had no idea what I was dealing with.

 

Angel

[Angel]

Doran,

 

I have no idea how to do the quote thing:tongue_smilie: so I'll just say that I did say in my post that I DO let my dd's friends know that she will eat very little and possibly might not eat at all. I think I also wrote that I tell them not to worry about it.

 

Yes, I know that there ARE kids out there who are bratty and would not eat just to spite someone else or kids who think a veggie is one who is named Larry the cucumber on TV :lol: I just worry about mom's who "think" the child is a brat (boy did I have these feelings with dd before I figured it out...it didn't matter to her in the least, she wasn't going to touch certain food and if forced on something that she didn't like, usually part of it came back up) and may really be dealing with other issues. And since the OP's dd's friends DID have issues, I felt that pickiness was a given. I have seen the kind of diet's for celiac's ... makes me have heart palipitations.

 

I think I over-reacted a bit because, like Whisperlily, I do see people who see no outward signs of a problem and then nod like they understand but still say...well MY child will eat what is put in front of them, it's not an option. Yeah, that kind of pushes my buttons:blush:

 

Thanks for being understanding.

 

Angel

[Storm Bay]

This is a situation close to my heart and home. My parents taught us to eat everything we were given without complaining. But my sister and I both remember a time when I was very young because the mother made me eat a raw tomato and I nearly vomited. Not on purpose. I can't explain this to those that like or can tolerate anything but some tastes were that strong, and it was not all in my head--I tried to MAKE myself like them as an adult and just couldn't.

 

As the mother of a dd with a special diet, I always ask if I can bring something she can eat because I understand that it's too difficult (she has a long, long list, but even just gf/cf is too hard for many not used to it). However, as a hostess, I always ask if there's anything their children will particularly like or that they hate, and insist even if they tell me their kids will eat anything. Why? Not only because I was fussy, but because I firmly believe that a gracious hostess who has time to plan should put the guest first (another teaching of my parents) even if they're kids. I want them to enjoy their meal at my house, not have to suck it up and eat something they don't like just to be polite. I also know that if a child likes their mother's way of making something (such as pasta with tomato sauce, which my dd can't even eat so I rarely make it) that doesn't mean they'll like my way and I just don't let it bother me. As long as their parents are working on teaching them manners I'm happy. Just because some kids can stop making faces by 4 doesn't mean they all will any more than just because some kids will read at 4 they all will. Kids develop on varying schedules!

[Janet in WA]

As one of the seemingly "intolerant" respondents, I want to chime back in. I have the sense (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you would -- or could -- explain the circumstances to parents who might be hosting your child(ren), or you, as the case may be. I know that, as children get older, that is more difficult, and it's probably not possible in every instance. But, I'm pretty sure, if it was me, and my kid(s), I would give counsel to any mother who might be fixing food for a child whose sensory issues severely affected her ability to eat "normally". It would be as simple as saying "Julia has some sensory issues, so don't worry if she doesn't eat well while she's at your house. We'll feed her when she gets home if necessary." Or, "I've packed a few snacks for little Junior. He has some sensory issues, so he might be more comfortable with his own food. I just didn't want you to be surprised by that."

 

I can see why these kinds of discussions might push your buttons, and I'm truly sorry. It would be so hard to have the issues you describe and feel that parents were completely insensitive. However, I stand by my earlier remarks. While I'm sure there are some children who simply CAN'T eat what is offered, there are plenty of others (I dare say *more*) whose parents have enabled pickiness in one fashion or another.

 

Again, my apologies if I seemed uncaring. It was not intentional, and I appreciate you ladies pointing out that there is, almost always, another side to the story.

 

Doran

As the wife of a 50 yo dh with "sensory issues" and a 22 yo Aspie son, I can share with you that it is only recently that we had terms like "sensory issues" or "Asperger's" to throw about to explain our children's eating problems. Neither my dh nor my son grew up in a time where we had these terms to use in their defense. So of course, they suffered through everyone dismissing them as just "picky eaters". I'm pretty sure there are other issues that children have even today that aren't yet "diagnosed" and named. It is my opinion that a parent shouldn't be required to offer an official diagnosis or term in their child's defense just so other parents won't look on them as "pet peeves".

 

ETA: Doran, this isn't aimed at you. I love and admire your quickness to offer an apology. But some of your post just triggered what I had on my mind, so I posted this comment under yours.

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

As one of the seemingly "intolerant" respondents, I want to chime back in. I have the sense (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you would -- or could -- explain the circumstances to parents who might be hosting your child(ren), or you, as the case may be. I know that, as children get older, that is more difficult, and it's probably not possible in every instance. But, I'm pretty sure, if it was me, and my kid(s), I would give counsel to any mother who might be fixing food for a child whose sensory issues severely affected her ability to eat "normally". It would be as simple as saying "Julia has some sensory issues, so don't worry if she doesn't eat well while she's at your house. We'll feed her when she gets home if necessary." Or, "I've packed a few snacks for little Junior. He has some sensory issues, so he might be more comfortable with his own food. I just didn't want you to be surprised by that."

 

I can see why these kinds of discussions might push your buttons, and I'm truly sorry. It would be so hard to have the issues you describe and feel that parents were completely insensitive. However, I stand by my earlier remarks. While I'm sure there are some children who simply CAN'T eat what is offered, there are plenty of others (I dare say *more*) whose parents have enabled pickiness in one fashion or another.

 

Again, my apologies if I seemed uncaring. It was not intentional, and I appreciate you ladies pointing out that there is, almost always, another side to the story.

 

Doran

 

Thank you for the thought. And yes, you are right in the respect that parents of those "picky" eaters should inform the hosting parents of the issues and/or provide alternate food. To send a child to another household without highlighting this issue would most likely push that child into the "spoiled" category if you would say. Tho I would probably still err on the side of caution as some parents may not truly realize that their child is not like other children in regards to food. But I am just a weanie :tongue_smilie:

 

It is more the blanket statement from some (and not necessarily here) that can irritate me. I often feel like I am constantly being judged, and usually failing, in regards to my eldest's "picky" eating (I don't necessarily categorize him as sensitive because truly I never really regarded it in the same category as his other sensitive issues, which he does have....silly me!) The other parents see me as "giving in" to my child which is soooooooooooo not the case. My eldest ds doesn't eat the normal kid fare such as cheeseburgers, mac-n-cheese, hot dogs (until recently and still not much), etc. My other children do eat what is offered and I do not cater to them (and sometimes I do feel guilty, like I am being unfair to them...but I let them know that their brother has problems with his food...and he doesn't eat all the other yummy food they get to eat...hehe).

 

Again, thanks! :cheers2: (I just wanted to use that smiley!)

[Elaine]

I totally agree with you. Totally. I'm currently working with 2 of my children who have sensory issues and we're actually making progress... they're starting to EAT. Add severe food allergies to the sensory "roadblocks" to eating and it can get worrisome.

 

I have some information from a food therapist about helping children through the developmental process of eating, and working through some sensory roadblocks. It's starting to work with my DD (age 3) and I wish I'd had this information when my DS9 was younger. Some things I'm doing with DD, I do in his presence, and have him help me "teach" her so that he gets some benefit too.

 

It has been immensely helpful. I hate it when people say "when a child gets hungry he'll eat." Even for kids that have no sensory problems, this is not always true. There can be an involuntary emotional response of appetite suppression to punishment with regard to food, and many children this therapist works with have built eating roadblocks because of the parents forcing the child to eat foods, or creating a battleground in the food arena. Normal kids also may have to be talked through certain food related hangups.

 

If you're interested in the information I have, I would be happy to share them with you. There may be a way to work through some of the food issues your child is facing. It might take time, but you might find it worthwhile to see if any of it applies to you or your child.

 

FWIW, I always pack a lunch or make sure my children have eaten before going to someone's house. I have learned that people understand issues they can SEE, and ignore/downplay those they can't. :mad:

 

 

I would want to know this if your children were guests in my home. I would feel absolutly awful if I thought that they were just being picky as opposed to having some real issues.

[Elaine]

This is a situation close to my heart and home. My parents taught us to eat everything we were given without complaining. But my sister and I both remember a time when I was very young because the mother made me eat a raw tomato and I nearly vomited. Not on purpose. I can't explain this to those that like or can tolerate anything but some tastes were that strong, and it was not all in my head--I tried to MAKE myself like them as an adult and just couldn't.

 

As the mother of a dd with a special diet, I always ask if I can bring something she can eat because I understand that it's too difficult (she has a long, long list, but even just gf/cf is too hard for many not used to it). However, as a hostess, I always ask if there's anything their children will particularly like or that they hate, and insist even if they tell me their kids will eat anything. Why? Not only because I was fussy, but because I firmly believe that a gracious hostess who has time to plan should put the guest first (another teaching of my parents) even if they're kids. I want them to enjoy their meal at my house, not have to suck it up and eat something they don't like just to be polite. I also know that if a child likes their mother's way of making something (such as pasta with tomato sauce, which my dd can't even eat so I rarely make it) that doesn't mean they'll like my way and I just don't let it bother me. As long as their parents are working on teaching them manners I'm happy. Just because some kids can stop making faces by 4 doesn't mean they all will any more than just because some kids will read at 4 they all will. Kids develop on varying schedules!

 

Word.:001_smile: I agree and the same thing happened to me with tomatoes! I love to eat tomato based foods but I cannot eat a tomato. Also, the smell of sauerkraut makes me run for "out where Jesus lost his sandels." (Mad props to Plaid Dad again!) I don't mean to be rude about it, but it really makes me sick to me stomach. Immediately. And violently.:ack2:

[Plucky]

This is exactly how I handle it. I'm all about my little guests having a good time and wanting to come back. We are the fun house (as long as everyone plays nice and safe). I provide foods that are kid friendly. I'll even fix a kid a quick sandwich as an alternative. It isn't my job to teach the kids about food or manners it is their parent's job. I am modeling good manners by catering to my guests and not being sensitive.

[Janet in WA]

 

I would want to know this if your children were guests in my home. I would feel absolutly awful if I thought that they were just being picky as opposed to having some real issues.

What difference would it make if you had some official term to explain the child's "pickiness" or if you didn't? Are you saying that you would think more of the child if the parent offered a name for the problem than if the child were, in your estimation, just "picky"? Would the "sensory issue" guest be accommodated more graciously? I'm just not understanding this line of thinking that's being offered (not just by you, but by many here).

[Elaine]

What difference would it make if you had some official term to explain the child's "pickiness" or if you didn't? Are you saying that you would think more of the child if the parent offered a name for the problem than if the child were, in your estimation, just "picky"? Would the "sensory issue" guest be accommodated more graciously? I'm just not understanding this line of thinking that's being offered (not just by you, but by many here).

 

I guess I wasn't clear.:001_smile:

 

No, that's not at all what I meant. I am saying that if a child had some real food issues, I would want to know so that I could accomodate those needs. I am in the "I don't mind picky eaters" camp. I don't live with them so having them as guests really doesn't bother me at all. Anyone who enters my home is treated graciously.

[Whisperlily]

What difference would it make if you had some official term to explain the child's "pickiness" or if you didn't? Are you saying that you would think more of the child if the parent offered a name for the problem than if the child were, in your estimation, just "picky"? Would the "sensory issue" guest be accommodated more graciously? I'm just not understanding this line of thinking that's being offered (not just by you, but by many here).

 

 

Thank you, Janet, for saying this so nicely. Until recently we didn't have a name for why my DS couldn't/wouldn't tolerate certain foods.

 

As a young child, I tried some of the things many parents do when they think they have a "picky eater."

 

I was in tears over food with him. It was so sad, and I wish I could've *understood* what I was dealing with at the time.

 

But like you said... does it matter *why*?

 

Do I have to single my child out as having "sensory issues re: food" when most people understand and look more kindly on picky eaters? Even if it is their pet peeve? Do they have to look on them with pity, when they're just a normal kid in most ways?

 

*sigh*

 

I understand the frustration from the other side too. Really, I do. I didn't understand until I had a child like this. I thought the same thoughts, so it's not really judgement... just *frustration* that people can't be more flexible with kids. (including frustration with my former self.) :)

[Elaine]

Thank you, Janet, for saying this so nicely. Until recently we didn't have a name for why my DS couldn't/wouldn't tolerate certain foods.

 

As a young child, I tried some of the things many parents do when they think they have a "picky eater."

 

I was in tears over food with him. It was so sad, and I wish I could've *understood* what I was dealing with at the time.

 

But like you said... does it matter *why*?

 

Do I have to single my child out as having "sensory issues re: food" when most people understand and look more kindly on picky eaters? Even if it is their pet peeve? Do they have to look on them with pity, when they're just a normal kid in most ways?

 

*sigh*

 

I understand the frustration from the other side too. Really, I do. I didn't understand until I had a child like this. I thought the same thoughts, so it's not really judgement... just *frustration* that people can't be more flexible with kids. (including frustration with my former self.) :)

 

Whisperlily,

I'm sorry. I really do not have the picky eater issues, that is to say, I don't mind picky eaters.

 

I wasn't clear. What I meant by "just being picky" is the difference between kids who have "issues" like yours and children who are just picky. If there was something that I could do to make a child with food sensory issues more comfortable, I would want to know. If a child is just picky, that's fine, too. :001_smile:

[Whisperlily]

:grouphug:

 

Elaine, I'm just typing out my thoughts here... :)

 

I am not offended in any way. Really! :D

 

It's just a quiet (yet understood) frustration of mine. I don't get upset or angry with people who don't understand, and I'm not trying to lash out at anyone here. It's actually the first time I've really talked about it... normally it's just a part of life. *shrug*

 

In the interest of information... I really didn't know why my son was a picky eater until he was around 8. In my eyes, and others' I'm sure he just was "picky" because he was enabled to be. But there was a reason I indulged him, even if people didn't understand that. I knew he couldn't/wouldn't eat some things, but I didn't know why... I even labeled him a "picky eater." I stopped caring whether others would do things the same way. ;)

 

Thanks for being so sweet... Don't think a second thought about it. I am not worried about it. :)

[Janet in WA]

I guess I wasn't clear.:001_smile:

 

No, that's not at all what I meant. I am saying that if a child had some real food issues, I would want to know so that I could accomodate those needs. I am in the "I don't mind picky eaters" camp. I don't live with them so having them as guests really doesn't bother me at all. Anyone who enters my home is treated graciously.

What I was wondering about was why you would feel absolutely awful if you thought a child was just a picky eater as opposed to knowing he had a sensory issue. Doesn't matter. :001_smile:

[j.griff]

My mom started telling people at restaurants that I was allergic to pickles and tomatoes so they would not put them on my burgers, because if she didn't tell them that (I think severe nausea and possible vomitting are a "reaction", so-to-speak) they would automatically put them on, and just take them off and I could still taste the pickles and or tomatoes on the burger and I just couldn't eat it that way. I am 31 years old, and I can FINALLY eat raw tomatoes in certain dishes.

[Plucky]

I had a tomatoe issue, too. How wonderful that your mom understood. I would've given so much to have my parent "get" my food issues. Ah, well.

[GothicGyrl]

I *am* a picky eater :( Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats. I would love to eat most things, but a lot of them make me sick. I will bring some snacks with me, or eat before we go somewhere if I expect not to be able to eat the meal (always have to do this when we go to dh's parents, they *love* making food I can't eat lol).

 

Anyway, just wanted to give some input from the other side. Many picky eaters really wish they weren't picky.

Ditto that. I am probably the worst picky eater ever--my list would be easier to say by telling you what I WILL eat as opposed to what I won't. And it isn't because I'm a spoiled brat either. My mother made me eat some veggies with every dinner, I was anemic at one point.

 

It's because the smell, the taste of certain foods is extremely nauseating to me. I can cook it without problems, but if I get a whiff of anything that even remotely smells pungent--you aren't getting dinner because I usually have a date with the Tidy Bowl Man. :)

 

I mind picky eaters but only because I can usually tell when it's a matter of "spoiled" or issues like I have.

 

Spoiled: My cousin, when he was a baby, used to have everything peeled, pureed, chopped, diced, minced, and she even probably chewed and spit it back out for him, by my aunt. Now, before I am attacked, this wasn't just "choke hazard", this was obesessive compulsive to "mother bird" him--believe me, I know the difference. As a result of this, he is now a child who will only eat the food if it is a certain way on his plate, a certain position, a certain color, etc. SHE did this to him. There is no aspie, sensory disorder or anything like that. He is flat out spoiled.

 

Now my DD on the other hand, is a child who would (and has) gulfed down an almost entire bag of broccoli in one sitting. She will eat mac 'n cheese, parmesean cheese, and cheese pizza, but not regular sliced cheese. Her hamburgers/hotdogs are plain. No seasoning on her fries. But tell this child we are having mixed veggies or califlower, or carrots, or mashed pots, or baked pots, or baked fish or just about anything *I* won't touch and you'd think she never gets the stuff, the way she eats it.

 

Me, my mom made me eat veggies. I had to. There was no such thing as "clean your plate" in my house because that's just bad. It can contribute to obesity. But I still had to eat my veggies and I hated every minute of it. Either ketchup, mayo, mustard, cheese, and huge glass of milk, was by my side because I'd swallow it almost whole with a drink, just to get rid of it. I get physically sick. I can't eat those things. You will never find me a vegetarian--ever.

 

Give me a good semi-raw steak, a nice caeser salad, some grilled shrimp, some white rice, and I am good to go. :)

[Mrs Mungo]

We have a picky eater, and I usually try to send food with her. I would definitely do so for a child with a serious food allergy. Could you perhaps bring it up gently to the parents and ask that they send something along next time? "Little Johnny and Jimmy ate almost nothing, and I was worried that they are hungry. Would you be able to send a snack along with them in case they don't like what we're serving?"

 

I agree, especially (as Doran noted) with the celiac's disease. I think this is the best way to handle it.

[Janet in WA]

 

I understand the frustration from the other side too. Really, I do. I didn't understand until I had a child like this. I thought the same thoughts, so it's not really judgement... just *frustration* that people can't be more flexible with kids. (including frustration with my former self.) :)

I understand the other side too. I was once a young mother with one son who was an adventurous eater. I, too, congratulated myself as being responsible for that. And I'm sure I scorned other parents who "allowed" their children to be picky, and I probably described them as having "never seen a vegetable." But God apparently had much to teach me, so he sent me an Aspie son next. Now I'm an old and very tolerant lady ready to spoil my grandchildren, should God see fit to give me any.