Need quick advice about my mom's cancer situation

[Staceyshoe]

I'm really torn and looking for advice. My mom has advanced stage 4 breast cancer and has been on chemo for a while. She just learned that the cancer has spread to her brain and possibly her bones (it's been in her lungs for a while). She's been through all the approved chemo drugs that might help.

 

Today she has an appt with a new oncologist to see whether there are more treatment options. I have a feeling she might get really bad news. She's planning to go alone because her husband can't really handle the situation. I don't want her to get devastating news without someone to support her. I called her twice today and offered to go and she refuses. Should I just tell her that I'm going? Or respect what she said she wants? I'm so torn and need to decide soon! What should I do??

[Aubrey]

I have NO experience w/ this, so somebody feel free to kick me if I'm wrong--

 

Can you go & *meet* your mom outside her oncologist's office *after* her appt--basically be there waiting for her when she gets out? If it's good news, go have coffee & be glad together. If it's bad news, be there to hug her.

 

I bet she'll be glad to see you at that point either way.

 

Gosh, I hope it's good news. I'm so sorry y'all are dealing w/ this. :grouphug:

[hornblower]

I would meet her there. Maybe not go into the appt but be there after.

I think it's possible she needs time to absorb whatever the news is. She may also feel she's needing to be strong for all of you - so don't go if you're going to be a hardship for her. Go if you can be calm, accepting, loving - no matter what. Go if you can accept that she may not wish to discuss it or tell you anything about it.

 

And I am sorry that you're going through this.

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

[Tap]

I would surprise her and show up at either her house before she goes or in the dr. office waiting room. Then tell her that if she wants to go in alone she can, but you are there if she changes her mind.

 

One concern, is that if she gets bad news, is that she shouldn't be driving in a devastated emotional state.

 

 

I wouldn't go if you cry easily and could possibly make it worse for her.

[EarleneW]

Having been through this with both of my parents- yes, you need to go. Just show up if you need to. Not only does she need the support even if she says she dosn't, she needs someone else there to hear what they say. I say go.

[StartingOver]

I went through this with my mother. I would be in the waiting room, after she came out. Right now she thinks she can do this alone. But she may need you afterwards !

 

Reconcile yourself to the fact that she could be mad, glad, depressed, relieve, livid, or any other reaction. Hopefully she will be happy you are there. My mother spent the last 6 months in a very dark place, but we were presistant.

[SproutMamaK]

When we were speaking ot her, did you give any indication as to why she refused? Was it a "I don't want to trouble you" sort of refusal, or a "I want to do this on my own" type of refusal? If the latter - respect her wishes. If she wants to do this on her own, there could be any number of reasons, and though she may not be comfortable explaining them all to you, you need to respect her wishes in this.

[Cera]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I am a big girl and if I want to be alone I expect people to respect that. There may be some reason she wants to be there on her own and that is her right (I personally would make the same choice and be angry if someone ignored my wishes).

 

I think the best approach is to tell her you would like to be with her. If she says no tell her you will be home and available to leave immediately if she changes her mind and then make arrangements so that if she calls you can go to her. I am sure the oncologist deals with her situation on a fairly regular basis and will be able to support her fairly well.

[KJB]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I am a big girl and if I want to be alone I expect people to respect that. There may be some reason she wants to be there on her own and that is her right (I personally would make the same choice and be angry if someone ignored my wishes).

 

I think the best approach is to tell her you would like to be with her. If she says no tell her you will be home and available to leave immediately if she changes her mind and then make arrangements so that if she calls you can go to her. I am sure the oncologist deals with her situation on a fairly regular basis and will be able to support her fairly well.

 

I agree.

 

You are born alone and you die alone.

 

It is not my intention to be unkind, but how much worse can the news possibly be?

 

My Dad passed away at 53 of colon cancer. My brothers and I wanted to do a lot of things with him and for him that he had no interest in. He really began to withdraw and deal with his dying alone.

 

We thought he needed us, but really we needed him.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It's so tough.

[delaney]

I would meet her there. Maybe not go into the appt but be there after.

I think it's possible she needs time to absorb whatever the news is. She may also feel she's needing to be strong for all of you - so don't go if you're going to be a hardship for her. Go if you can be calm, accepting, loving - no matter what. Go if you can accept that she may not wish to discuss it or tell you anything about it.

 

And I am sorry that you're going through this.

That is what I was thinking.

[CatMomof3]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Beth in OH]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I am a big girl and if I want to be alone I expect people to respect that. There may be some reason she wants to be there on her own and that is her right (I personally would make the same choice and be angry if someone ignored my wishes).

 

I think the best approach is to tell her you would like to be with her. If she says no tell her you will be home and available to leave immediately if she changes her mind and then make arrangements so that if she calls you can go to her. I am sure the oncologist deals with her situation on a fairly regular basis and will be able to support her fairly well.

 

:iagree: I need time to process things by myself before I process them with another person. I also hate surprises. I'm old enough to know my own limitations emotionally, and if I say I want to be alone, I mean it.

[Aubrey]

I agree.

 

You are born alone and you die alone.

 

It is not my intention to be unkind, but how much worse can the news possibly be?

 

My Dad passed away at 53 of colon cancer. My brothers and I wanted to do a lot of things with him and for him that he had no interest in. He really began to withdraw and deal with his dying alone.

 

We thought he needed us, but really we needed him.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It's so tough.

 

I don't want to argue, because I don't have experience w/ this, so in my gentlest tone...I know that people say we're born alone & die alone, but that's not exactly true. I was very much a part of each of my children's birth processes, & it wasn't even just the 2 of us. Dh, my mw, & an occasional assistant were involved in a very intimate way.

 

Some people may want to deal w/ death alone, & perhaps we should honor that, but the fact that *people* want to help, support, be involved in the dying process is simply part of the fundamental nature of the species. We reach out to ea other, we live together.

 

And the fact that you guys needed your dad at the end of his life, imho, is just as valid as if he'd needed you. It's to some degree unfair to say to a child that his or her parent's death is the parent's alone when the child is losing a *parent.* If your dad had the right to w/draw--& maybe he really did--I think you had an *equal* right to reach out. In the end, it's not about rights, of course, but I don't think you should feel badly about having needed your dad or having tried to reach out to him, whether it was for him or for you.

 

I imagine that I'd be a die-alone deal-with-things-alone kind of person when I get to that point. But I've also lost a parent, & in the end, it's those who survive who have to find a way to live w/ the loss. Fwiw, my dad died partly because he couldn't deal w/ his dad's death; there was no closure, & then no acceptance on his part. His illness kept him in ICU for mos before he died, & when he came home...well, in retrospect, maybe he knew he was dying. He was sort-of distant, & I mostly gave him his space because I thought he'd recovered & was continuing to get better. He was a private person w/ a temper, & I scare easy. His death caught me so off-guard, though, I don't know if I'll ever breathe the same again, if that makes sense.

 

My only point is that someone who chooses to go, against the wishes of the parent, or who considers going, shouldn't feel bad about that. While there are some who'd be angry at such expressions of love, I think most people would at least understand it as love, & many would even be glad in the end. Those who are dying are not really experts on dying & what they need, & I think it's at least reasonable if we second-guess their desires to be alone. The exasperation of having a loved-one try to love you I think is a part of what love and family are, & sometimes that 2nd-guessing is just what we need. Other times not, but at those times, it's not incredibly different from the child who presents a mother w/ a strangely concocted breakfast or a fistful of wilty weeds. It's still love. :001_smile:

[eternalknot]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I am a big girl and if I want to be alone I expect people to respect that. There may be some reason she wants to be there on her own and that is her right (I personally would make the same choice and be angry if someone ignored my wishes).

 

I think the best approach is to tell her you would like to be with her. If she says no tell her you will be home and available to leave immediately if she changes her mind and then make arrangements so that if she calls you can go to her. I am sure the oncologist deals with her situation on a fairly regular basis and will be able to support her fairly well.

 

:iagree:

.

 

I often say I need to be alone, and mean it. But sometimes even though I want to be alone, I also want to know (in the tangible sense) that right now, during a difficult time, I'm still very near and dear to someone's thoughts and heart. That presence without being present, which maybe doesn't make as much sense outside of my head as it does inside ...

 

In your mom's situation, I'd want to be alone to process the news - partially for myself, partially to spare my loved ones. But it would warm my heart to walk out from my appointment to see a flower or note on my car, and to just have a tangible proof that right then and there I was loved and had support. Maybe I'd take you up on it, maybe I'd still need more time to myself ... but it would leave me feeling incredibly loved to remember you were there, without being there. (I'm high-maintenance in that way, I guess.)

 

If you showed up, I'd question what other wishes of mine might go unrespected. I wouldn't be upset at your presence, and perhaps might even feel some relief. I'd hope I would know you showed up out of love ... but it would still leave lingering doubts about my end days and wishes. The poster above me who spoke of her father's needs versus the family's needs was very thought-provoking.

 

Our family has experienced a similar situation, and it's long given me pause for thought. I'm very sorry about your mother's health, and even more sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation -- it's so hard to know what one would do unless we are in the moment, and even then it's a matter of second-guessing oneself into a hole. I guess I'd say to find a quiet moment, and truly listen to your heart, your gut, whatever it is that moves inside of you and is nudging you in one direction over the other.

 

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I'm really torn and looking for advice. My mom has advanced stage 4 breast cancer and has been on chemo for a while. She just learned that the cancer has spread to her brain and possibly her bones (it's been in her lungs for a while). She's been through all the approved chemo drugs that might help.

 

Today she has an appt with a new oncologist to see whether there are more treatment options. I have a feeling she might get really bad news. She's planning to go alone because her husband can't really handle the situation. I don't want her to get devastating news without someone to support her. I called her twice today and offered to go and she refuses. Should I just tell her that I'm going? Or respect what she said she wants? I'm so torn and need to decide soon! What should I do??

 

I think it depends on your mom. Some people would rather absorb it themselves and need the space. Others would like support, but don't want to be a burden.

 

I'd either respect her wishes or ask her what the reason is for refusing: would you feel like it would be a burden on me or do you just prefer the space to process alone? I would NOT just show up: if she really doesn't want to share yet, you'll be adding to her burden. What would be helpful to you might not be helpful to her.

[KJB]

I don't want to argue, because I don't have experience w/ this, so in my gentlest tone...I know that people say we're born alone & die alone, but that's not exactly true. I was very much a part of each of my children's birth processes, & it wasn't even just the 2 of us. Dh, my mw, & an occasional assistant were involved in a very intimate way.

 

Some people may want to deal w/ death alone, & perhaps we should honor that, but the fact that *people* want to help, support, be involved in the dying process is simply part of the fundamental nature of the species. We reach out to ea other, we live together.

 

And the fact that you guys needed your dad at the end of his life, imho, is just as valid as if he'd needed you. It's to some degree unfair to say to a child that his or her parent's death is the parent's alone when the child is losing a *parent.* If your dad had the right to w/draw--& maybe he really did--I think you had an *equal* right to reach out. In the end, it's not about rights, of course, but I don't think you should feel badly about having needed your dad or having tried to reach out to him, whether it was for him or for you.

 

I imagine that I'd be a die-alone deal-with-things-alone kind of person when I get to that point. But I've also lost a parent, & in the end, it's those who survive who have to find a way to live w/ the loss. Fwiw, my dad died partly because he couldn't deal w/ his dad's death; there was no closure, & then no acceptance on his part. His illness kept him in ICU for mos before he died, & when he came home...well, in retrospect, maybe he knew he was dying. He was sort-of distant, & I mostly gave him his space because I thought he'd recovered & was continuing to get better. He was a private person w/ a temper, & I scare easy. His death caught me so off-guard, though, I don't know if I'll ever breathe the same again, if that makes sense.

 

My only point is that someone who chooses to go, against the wishes of the parent, or who considers going, shouldn't feel bad about that. While there are some who'd be angry at such expressions of love, I think most people would at least understand it as love, & many would even be glad in the end. Those who are dying are not really experts on dying & what they need, & I think it's at least reasonable if we second-guess their desires to be alone. The exasperation of having a loved-one try to love you I think is a part of what love and family are, & sometimes that 2nd-guessing is just what we need. Other times not, but at those times, it's not incredibly different from the child who presents a mother w/ a strangely concocted breakfast or a fistful of wilty weeds. It's still love. :001_smile:

 

Your post is beautiful.

 

Although you, as a mother, may have had a lot of support in the process of giving birth, the baby had no idea of what was going on. When born, a baby is thrust down the birth canal by an overwhelming force of nature that he can't possibly understand. No one has briefed him on what to expect from the upcoming change. Each baby must take the journey out of the womb into the unknown alone.

 

I imagine death is similar. Even though you may be surrounded by well intentioned people, no one really knows what death is about and what will be required by an individual to succumb to the call. Death and birth are solitary experiences.

 

I know that the dying process involves a certain amount of withdrawing into yourself in order to let nature take her course. In order to accept the process, you necessarily have to be self-centered. I think this is a natural mechanism to prepare a person to die just like those first early contractions prepare a baby for the journey of birth.

 

Anyway, I respect what you wrote, and I don't think there's an easy answer. I just think that loved ones have to try to accept that death is a natural process and the dying might be better equipped by the process than we know or can appreciate.

[Pippen]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else. I am a big girl and if I want to be alone I expect people to respect that. There may be some reason she wants to be there on her own and that is her right (I personally would make the same choice and be angry if someone ignored my wishes). .

 

:iagree: I like handling medical and serious personal issues on my own, so I'd respect her wishes--not insist on going, not meeting her, not show up as a surprise. If I want support I know I can always call on my friends and families' offers.

 

I even ask to be dropped off for surgeries, except for the last one which was major and even then I went in alone because that's how I wanted it. My husband came back to the hospital sometime around the time the procedure started.

[Aubrey]

Your post is beautiful.

 

Although you, as a mother, may have had a lot of support in the process of giving birth, the baby had no idea of what was going on. When born, a baby is thrust down the birth canal by an overwhelming force of nature that he can't possibly understand. No one has briefed him on what to expect from the upcoming change. Each baby must take the journey out of the womb into the unknown alone.

 

I imagine death is similar. Even though you may be surrounded by well intentioned people, no one really knows what death is about and what will be required by an individual to succumb to the call. Death and birth are solitary experiences.

 

I know that the dying process involves a certain amount of withdrawing into yourself in order to let nature take her course. In order to accept the process, you necessarily have to be self-centered. I think this is a natural mechanism to prepare a person to die just like those first early contractions prepare a baby for the journey of birth.

 

Anyway, I respect what you wrote, and I don't think there's an easy answer. I just think that loved ones have to try to accept that death is a natural process and the dying might be better equipped by the process than we know or can appreciate.

 

Whew. I'm really glad I didn't offend you. I don't even think I'm really disagreeing w/ you--I'm just super-sensitive, & if I were trying to make the decision as to whether or not to go...I'd want to see both sides, but it would be easy for me to end up feeling guilty either way. To some extent, I just don't think anyone should feel bad about what they decide to do. There's not an easy answer or a clear-cut right & wrong.

 

I kind-of wish I'd known my dad was dying & that I'd pushed a little more to talk to him. But my case is entirely unique. My dad was very, very depressed, & that caused a huge decline in his health. I can't help wondering if I'd told him more clearly how much I loved him whether or not that would have made a difference. We'd had a rocky relationship when I was growing up, & a series of personal losses in his life right at the end...well, like I said, I know ea situation is unique.

 

Thanks so much for understanding the intent/tone of my post. :001_smile:

[scrapbookbuzz]

My father had cancer that started in the colon; my father in law had melanoma. Both went quickly. If the cancer has truly spread to her brain and lungs, I doubt the oncologist will have good news for her. Be there for her. The idea of waiting in the doctor's waiting room for her may be the best. Let her know you'll be there, that she does NOT need to put on a front (be strong) for you, and you are willing to help her in any way you can. Regardless of what she says, NO ONE need go through those kinds of appointments alone.

 

I'll be praying for you AND your mom!

[TammyinTN]

I think you should do as your mother ask. If I wanted to be alone to handle a situation I would want my family to respect that.

[Leola]

I too would prefer to go alone, and I would be really upset if someone (anyone) showed up to surprise me. It's something that I would prefer to handle alone.

[Mergath]

I think you should respect your mother's wishes, whether you agree with her decision or not. Some people simply have an easier time processing things like this alone, and trying to process the news while also consoling another person might make it doubly hard.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through such a difficult time. I'll keep you in my prayers. :grouphug:

[KJB]

Whew. I'm really glad I didn't offend you. I don't even think I'm really disagreeing w/ you--I'm just super-sensitive, & if I were trying to make the decision as to whether or not to go...I'd want to see both sides, but it would be easy for me to end up feeling guilty either way. To some extent, I just don't think anyone should feel bad about what they decide to do. There's not an easy answer or a clear-cut right & wrong.

 

I kind-of wish I'd known my dad was dying & that I'd pushed a little more to talk to him. But my case is entirely unique. My dad was very, very depressed, & that caused a huge decline in his health. I can't help wondering if I'd told him more clearly how much I loved him whether or not that would have made a difference. We'd had a rocky relationship when I was growing up, & a series of personal losses in his life right at the end...well, like I said, I know ea situation is unique.

 

Thanks so much for understanding the intent/tone of my post. :001_smile:

 

How could anyone ever be offended by someone made by a fairy on a mountaintop? :D I am never offended by someone holding a different opinion than my own. Exchange of ideas is always a good thing.

 

I'm sorry about your Dad. Fwiw, depression is caused by chemical imbalances; it's doubtful you could have influenced your Dad's mental state very much no matter what you had done.

 

I've often laughed to myself that my relationship with my own Dad is much easier now that he's passed away. Of course, I miss him, too.

 

No one is allowed to sit in judgement of how someone else deals with the death or serious illness of a loved one. There is no handbook for these things. We all do the best we can with the information available.

:grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

Having been through this with both of my parents- yes, you need to go. Just show up if you need to. Not only does she need the support even if she says she dosn't, she needs someone else there to hear what they say. I say go.

 

I have to agree. My sister didn't want anyone going with her to her appointments, but family members showed up and waited outside just in case.

[Murphy101]

I think Cera had the perfect answer.

You should respect her wishes and let her know that you will gladly drop everything if she changes her mind at any point.

 

I would be furious if this wish were ignored. And it absolutely is not when I'd be in the mood for a surprise in the waiting room or at home.

 

And to be honest, I'd never tell you about another scheduled appt again. Forever after, you would find everything out a day or two afterwards. I would no longer tell you more than what has already been done.

 

Sadly this is exactly how we deal with dh's mother bc she doesn't respect our wishes.

 

My mother came to live her last days of cancer with us.

I have great peace that although her end wasn't the way I would have wanted things for me - she was okay with it.

 

(((hugs)))

[kalanamak]

Only you know your mom. If my mother had said she wanted to go alone, I wouldn't have shown up. If I say I want to go alone, I hope my family knows I really do want to go alone and will not appreciate a surprise. This "go alone" is in character for both me and my mother.

 

If my father had said it....I would ask if he really meant it, and he would answer me honestly.

 

I'd listen to your inner voice.

[OHGrandma]

You know your mother better than anyone here, does she mean what she said?

 

I know if I told my daughter I didn't want anyone there, I would mean it.