Are all kids inherently ungrateful?

[Mynyel]

I am so tired of asking my kids to do something and being met with attitude. I like to think I do a lot for them...cook...clean laundry...roof over head....schooling...various other things us mom's do. Yet I am always met with a huge heavy sigh and major reluctance with the older and the 8 yo (in a week) just gets distracted (well at least he has an excuse, I think he has ADD but still...).

 

What can I do with them? I think I ask reasonable things, rinse your dishes, put dirty laundry in the basket, pick up your toys when your done playing with htem, put things back where you got them when you get them out. They have chores they know they are supposed to do yet I can't help wondering why I get the reaction I do whenever I remind (I don't nag..I hope) them to do anything.

 

I am to a point now where I just am going to quit making them do anything, the dogs will starve because they forget to feed them (My dh and will feed them but the kids won't know that), their laundry will go unwashed, if I have to pick up their toys I will throw them away (I figure if they are on the floor and they aren't doing anything with them they don't care about them anyway).

 

I will make sure they are fed and that is it...they have to do everything else for themselves. I just don't know what to do. I is depressing me and I am tired of getting angry.

 

So I guess I want to know if anyone else has reached this kind of point and what they did to get out of the funk and get the kids back on track. I just don't know....I am tired...

[Lovedtodeath]

They need to be ttaught gratitude, mainly through working for what they have. Boundaries for Kids gets into this issue a lot. I have read so many parenting books... this one is making sense and seeming do-able.

[Tree House Academy]

I think so. We have recently purchased the "Accountable Kids" program and it is really teaching my kids about earning privileges instead of just getting them. The way it works is that my kids have morning, afternoon, and night chores. When each set is finished, they earn a ticket. The tickets can be cashed in for TV time, computer time, dsi time, or wii time. Each ticket gets them 1 hour of whatever they choose and they are not allowed to "save up." It sounds "easy" but tickets are also taken away for bad behavior and not earned when chores are not done or not done correctly. If they don't have tickets, they don't watch TV, play Ds, etc. There is much more to the program, but this has really helped my kids with not feeling the sense of "entitlement."

[Joanne]

Yes, but I believe it's expected and developmental.

 

With adequate parenting and simple growing, their self-centeredness dissipates and they mature into more gratitude.

[MamaT]

Yes, but I believe it's expected and developmental.

 

With adequate parenting and simple growing, their self-centeredness dissipates and they mature into more gratitude.

 

:iagree: My grown kids are very grateful for everything that was done for them and say so often. My 16yo is grateful more often than not. The other three . . . not so much. :glare:

[Lovedtodeath]

Yes, but I believe it's expected and developmental.

 

With adequate parenting and simple growing, their self-centeredness dissipates and they mature into more gratitude.

Yes.

[Momofeat]

Well, when I was hanging clothes on the line one day last summer, my ds said, "Mommy, sank you for washing my sheets!"

 

The girls, though...:glare:

[Denise in Florida]

Yes. I agree it is a normal stage of development. In my opinion, it is also a healthy attitude to an extent. They are comfortable and secure in knowing that their parents will take care of their needs. Obviously they need to outgrow this stage as they develop empathy and realize that they need to meet the needs of others as well.

 

I remember complaining to my mother when one of my kids would be extra bossy or uncooperative about compromise. She told me that no one was 'reasonable their whole lives' and it was better for them to address this conflict when they were children and people would give them the benefit of the doubt instead when they were middle aged and having a 'crisis'.

 

Not that my (or my mom's) opinion helps you right now. :lol: I wish you the best of luck and that you reach a good result for your family.

[KidsHappen]

IMO, people are inherently ungrateful. It is a learned skilled. Some folks learn it better than others but it is our jobs as parents to try and teach them to be grateful and to be infinitely patient until they figure it out. It's a tough gig, this parenting thing.

[Parrothead]

HSlover, the only way I can see curbing that attitude at the age of your older kids is to stop telling them and stop doing things for them. Once they run out of laundry or have to cook their own dinner each night they might figure it out.

 

If they leave their stuff all over the house, pick it up and put it in a box. Since they can't be responsible for their things, the things belong to you for the week.

 

Yes, but I believe it's expected and developmental.

 

With adequate parenting and simple growing, their self-centeredness dissipates and they mature into more gratitude.

IMHO, and I'm one of those mean mommas, adequate parenting should curb attitude by the end of the preschool years.

 

While I never bought/read the book, I expect first time cheerful obedience. (That is another thing that I did not know about until I came here. I was practicing it, but did not know it had a name.)

[Peela]

We are having big issues with this at the moment. However I remember my mother throwing a hissy fit every few months and keeping us in all Saturday to tidy our rooms, getting very uspet and angry....but she didnt really train us consistently to do chores o tidy our rooms. She just "expected" which didnt work. Being a good parent seems to invve more than just giving selflessly- it seems to involve a lot of training as well.

 

My 14yo son has been totally obnoxious lately. Last night we took his ipod off him and all TV/comuter rights, as well as grounded him from seeing his friends. He had nothing left to do (fromhis perspective) other than go to bed- he slept somethin like 13 hours. He must have needed it.

 

I have had both kids write a gratitue diary for weeks at a time, as part of school. Ds14 is writing it again. He has to write 5 things he s gratful for, in full sentence. It is amazing, considering how challenging and ungrateful his behaviour is, what he comes up with (because he is not allowed to repeat himself).

 

We are finding both kids- teens-will get out of chores if they can at any opportunity. Ds will whine about anything extra he is given. Yet dh and I LOVE to give to both of them. DH is a gift buyer- he LOVES to buy gifts for us all (usualyl 2nd hand bargains). But- the kids take it for granted a lot oh the time, even though they have 2 computers each and lots of other great thngs.

 

We just keepon keeping on, and at the moment, I am jsut about ready to send ds14 to school because of his attitude. Idont want to, but I dont want to sithere and have him ruin my day with his negativity about everything. But that is teen stuff, I realise.

 

I think we hope and expect, as parents, that ou rown selfless generosity will result in beautifully natured kids. ANd it does on some level- but not necessarily. My husband is trying to get me to see I cant be my kids' best friend AND give them the discipline they need. I have to be prepared to be the bad guy, as well as love them to bits in the more mushy sense. Its a challenge for me, as they seem to be needing more of the tough love and less of the soft mushy love as they go through teens.

[jenniferlee]

I don't think I was ever very grateful to my mom until I had my first baby. Within a week I was on the phone bawling (post-partum, but still...) "Mom, I never knew, never knew how much you loved me, how much you did for me. I was such a terrible daughter, so ungrateful, please forgive me..."etc. And I was a pretty decent kid.

So I'm not expecting too much.

I do expect them to do their work without complaining (a lot) and to be polite about doing their share. But that's about it.

Jen

[Jean in Newcastle]

If I ask my children to do something and get attitude, I will stop and ask them to respond in an appropriate way.

 

If they demand something from me or have an entitlement attitude, they will not get it.

 

If they ask appropriately for something, then I will (if I can and it is an appropriate thing for them) cheerfully supply it for them. Then, I will wait for a thank you and if it is slow in coming, I will ask for it. If I provide an activity or field trip for them that is out of the ordinary, then I also expect a thank you.

 

I ask and help my children to write thank yous and to thank other people in person.

 

If it is their chore, I will give them a check-list with their chores. If it is a routine thing we will learn the routine. Once it gets to be a routine, and something is undone, I will not say a thing, but I will call the child's name and will point at what is undone.

 

My children are not always grateful but they are more often than not.

[Aggie]

This is something we have to review every so often around here. We all sit down and I show my dc what it's like to hear the sighs or to see the chores not done. I model what it's like (usually in a funny, light-hearted way), and then I model what I want to happen. Then they practice. :D

 

When the sighs start creeping back into daily life, I know it's time for another lesson on cheerful attitudes.

 

I also have to watch myself. I find myself saying, "ANOTHER load of laundry?" Or, "I don't wanna cook dinner." My ungrateful attitude is contagious.

 

My love language is doing chores.:lol: Don't buy me a gift, empty the dishwasher. :) I've explained this gently to the dc.

 

For cleaning their rooms, I show them what "Mom clean" is. They know what is expected. If they choose to not keep their rooms clean, I take what is on the floor and give it away. It only takes once or twice for them to get the hint. But...they must know the standards first, and you have to follow through the first time.

 

Kids will live up to your expectations for both work and behavior, they just have to be taught what the expectations are.

[2squared]

If I ask my children to do something and get attitude, I will stop and ask them to respond in an appropriate way.

 

If they demand something from me or have an entitlement attitude, they will not get it.

 

If they ask appropriately for something, then I will (if I can and it is an appropriate thing for them) cheerfully supply it for them. Then, I will wait for a thank you and if it is slow in coming, I will ask for it. If I provide an activity or field trip for them that is out of the ordinary, then I also expect a thank you.

 

I ask and help my children to write thank yous and to thank other people in person.

 

If it is their chore, I will give them a check-list with their chores. If it is a routine thing we will learn the routine. Once it gets to be a routine, and something is undone, I will not say a thing, but I will call the child's name and will point at what is undone.

 

My children are not always grateful but they are more often than not.

 

:iagree: My dh also often helps the kids see how much I do for the family. In turn, I thank my dh for working for our family and discuss with the kids how dh provides for us. They are young yet, but I expect that this training will carry forward.

[Pamela H in Texas]

A couple ideas:

 

1) Have a set answer for when kids are told to do things. After they have the right attitude and words, they can change it up as long as it is similar ("sure mom" is just as good as "yes ma'am" in my book).

 

2) Make sure you are asking them respectfully! If every time you interrupt the middle of the chapter they are reading, of course they are flustered with you. If that is when you think of it, then give them til the end of the chapter to start or write it down and slip it to them so they won't forget at the end of the chapter. Or give them a pretty long time period to have it completed that is more than reasonable. And if nothing else, by the time they're 14, they'll say, "are you going to tell me to do anything in the next hour or may I go play my game?" LOL

 

3) It is also nice to have times set aside for thankfulness. A LOT of people (not just kids) just don't think about "at least I can walk" and "sure is nice my clothes are clean." Before putting on the family movie, chat about all the things y'all are appreciative of. Go around the circle twice even :)

 

4) Make sure YOU are modeling the attitude and thankfulness you want to see in them. If you appreciate X, then say so! If someone asks you to do something, respond the way you want to be responded to. This is important both inside the home and with outside people.

[ekarl2]

I think so. We have recently purchased the "Accountable Kids" program and it is really teaching my kids about earning privileges instead of just getting them. The way it works is that my kids have morning, afternoon, and night chores. When each set is finished, they earn a ticket. The tickets can be cashed in for TV time, computer time, dsi time, or wii time. Each ticket gets them 1 hour of whatever they choose and they are not allowed to "save up." It sounds "easy" but tickets are also taken away for bad behavior and not earned when chores are not done or not done correctly. If they don't have tickets, they don't watch TV, play Ds, etc. There is much more to the program, but this has really helped my kids with not feeling the sense of "entitlement."

 

We're using this, too, with my DD4. It's a great program. I highly recommend it.

[MelanieM]

2) Make sure you are asking them respectfully! If every time you interrupt the middle of the chapter they are reading, of course they are flustered with you. If that is when you think of it, then give them til the end of the chapter to start or write it down and slip it to them so they won't forget at the end of the chapter. Or give them a pretty long time period to have it completed that is more than reasonable. And if nothing else, by the time they're 14, they'll say, "are you going to tell me to do anything in the next hour or may I go play my game?" LOL

 

3) It is also nice to have times set aside for thankfulness. A LOT of people (not just kids) just don't think about "at least I can walk" and "sure is nice my clothes are clean." Before putting on the family movie, chat about all the things y'all are appreciative of. Go around the circle twice even :)

 

4) Make sure YOU are modeling the attitude and thankfulness you want to see in them. If you appreciate X, then say so! If someone asks you to do something, respond the way you want to be responded to. This is important both inside the home and with outside people.

 

Excellent, excellent advice!

 

My husband and I were just discussing how we sometimes don't model the behaviour we're asking the kids to show. And if I can't model perfection (ha ha!) then I suppose I have no right to ask it of anyone else.

 

We practice gratitude here daily. If the kids are bickering, I try to make sure they have some time to talk about what they love about each other by doing a few rounds of "what I love about you..."

 

I also model giving rampages of appreciation, where I go on and on about how much I appreciate something. For example, I could go on for ages about how much I appreciate a clean floor or a tidy kitchen, listing dozens of reasons *why I appreciate such things.

 

My kids are still little, and they certainly have their moments where they're not especially grateful, but overall we value expression of appreciation pretty highly here, and it usually shows.

[Caribbean Queen]

....but she didnt really train us consistently to do chores o tidy our rooms. She just "expected" which didnt work. Being a good parent seems to invve more than just giving selflessly- it seems to involve a lot of training as well.

 

:iagree:

 

I am working on teaching my children go through a morning routine. I posted a list of things for them to do on the wall. Brush teeth, get dressed, put toys away, give dog water, stuff like that. I explained what was on the list. They understood. Every morning I reteach them what to do, as necessary. It takes a while to establish good habits. They are needing less help from me every day. Eventually, I expect them to do their chores without me asking them, watching them, or helping them in any way. It takes a lot of work from mom to have things so easy. :001_smile:

[brownie]

Part of it is inborn personality. DS4 is very grateful. He will thank me for saying I will consider something he has requested! It is almost funny! He's an all around happy, glass is half-full kind of kid. But ds9 is totally ungrateful and ds7 falls somewhere in the middle.

 

I think you work on the external behavior first. They may not feel grateful but they need to act grateful or not whine about their responsibilities or there are consequences. I don't want to hear the whining. If they practice not whining, I feel their internal attitidue/mental talk will change eventually too. Complaining here results in either loss of priveleges or punishment.

 

I also think many children need to learn how to do chores, be organized and clean up just like other kids need to be taught to read. They may complain bc it is more overwhelming for them than for other kids. DS9 is like that (as am I). I sit down with him in his room and break it down: first pick up all the clothes, now pick up any books, now any paper that needs to be thrown out, ...etc.

 

Brownie

[Night Elf]

No. I likely seemed ungrateful as a child. I was just busy being me, growing and constantly changing, slowly gaining independence, and doing the things I felt were important in my life. Luckily we had a very small apartment and my mom didn't ask me to do too much but when she did, it felt like she was asking me to walk 10 miles with a 100 lb. weight on my back.

 

And then I moved out and started paying for my own stuff. I had more reason and motivation to clean and take care of my things because they were truly mine. I made my own choices, such as choosing to clean the bathroom tomorrow or waiting until my last pair of jeans was dirty to do laundry. And the world didn't end and I lived rather nicely.

 

Now as a parent, I feel privileged to do things for my family including cleaning (DH does the cooking) because it's a way I show I love and care for them. Truly, the majority of things in my home belong to my DH and me. I don't believe in the 'this whole house belongs to all of us' theory because that can be used only to manipulate. Afterall, some things are off limits to kids, and they are not included in decisions regarding financial matters. Asking for help goes hand in hand with expecting to hear a 'no thank you' and to accept it as an answer. We learn to trust by really listening and being listened to. Sometimes I've told the kids I need them to do something so the only response expected was to do what I told them to do. But it's very rare that I do that. It's very rare my husband and I do that to each other as well. Because of this, my kids have picked up our respectful lifestyle naturally. They often do things that really surprised their friends, like cleaning or throwing a load of laundry into the washer. And we say thank you and please. Alot. We learned that from Barney and Baby Bop. :) When we do something, the others say 'thank you'. There is no exchange of privileges or money.

[Peela]

I really wonder though...for those with grateful kids and those without. I think it has a lot to do with whatever lessons each kid is here to learn and their unique personality. Environment, parents etc all play a part, for sure, but only a part.

When I had my first child....eveyone told me what a good mother I was because she was such a good baby- smiled at everyone, happy.

No one told me that when my 2nd kid came along, lol, because he was a screamer! I was the same mum. He was a different kid. My dd is still an easygoing, grateful and generous person- reasonable, loving. Ds is not. Same parents.

I understand there are things we can do...and need to do...but I just wanted to make the point that a lot of it comes down to the individual child.

[ElaineJ]

There are a couple of good satirical videos on "Teenage Affluenza" made by World Vision which you can access on youtube. They made my son think about how much we have and how silly our complaining can sound. (he isn't a teen yet, but still related to the message). I found two, one made for Australia and one made for the United States.

 

Elaine

[Mejane]

I really wonder though...for those with grateful kids and those without. I think it has a lot to do with whatever lessons each kid is here to learn and their unique personality. Environment, parents etc all play a part, for sure, but only a part.

When I had my first child....eveyone told me what a good mother I was because she was such a good baby- smiled at everyone, happy.

No one told me that when my 2nd kid came along, lol, because he was a screamer! I was the same mum. He was a different kid. My dd is still an easygoing, grateful and generous person- reasonable, loving. Ds is not. Same parents.

I understand there are things we can do...and need to do...but I just wanted to make the point that a lot of it comes down to the individual child.

 

You're so right, Peela.

[HRAAB]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I can't say I ever intentionally taught gratefulness. I can't even say I way always a good parent, and there are things I've done that I will always regret. In spite of it all, I have very grateful children. My oldest, 20 and 18, are very thankful towards us. We have strong relationships with them. My 12 is very grateful and is always giving hugs and saying thanks mom. My twins are getting there. They thank me and help when I ask. Not always with a willing smile, but they do it. They're growing. And then there are personalities and all that thrown in the mix, too. I'm sure some of these moms will have good advice for you.

[Lovedtodeath]

No. I likely seemed ungrateful as a child. I was just busy being me, growing and constantly changing,

:iagree:Some of us have a very hard time communicating well, so we may feel grateful or empathetic, but no one ever knows.

[PiCO]

Are all kids inherently ungrateful?

 

No, I don't think so. But most do go through phases. You just have to raise 'em right, get them through the phases.

[TXMary2]

We are all inherently selfish. We are born that way. We all need to be taught the right way to behave and why. I know ungrateful kids can get on our nerves, but they eventually learn.:grouphug:

[stripe]

I think babies and young children must be self-centered in order to survive.

 

I also think it's a phase most adults are in, as well. Most people don't realize how basic our needs really are and never stop to be thankful for, say, good health or the ability to breathe or walk or to speak.

[Aubrey]

Well, they just really can't know what goes into caring for them unless we teach them. I do think gratitude has to be taught, but I also think it's foundational to EVERYTHING else we do as parents.

 

I didn't see what ages your dc are, but I've noticed that *I* do much better when I don't take their shortcomings & attitudes personally. Maybe you could talk to them--sometimes they don't even realize exactly what we're talking about when we tell them we don't like their "attitudes." I sometimes demonstrate along w/ an explanation of how that shows ingratitude (smaller words, mom!).

 

Exasperation & giving up--for some reason--seem to breed ingratitude. I know because I've been there, lol! Sometimes, too, mine seem grumpier about doing a *little* than they do about a lot. When they think that their time belongs to them & they *ought* to get to play, anything I ask them to do is a great burden, an insult. Whereas, when I tell them that they were *made* for work, point out that they're happier when they work, etc., well...they are. They actually get to play *more* and enjoy it more, too, because they don't have this entitlement about it.

 

Iow, when my kids get cranky, I work to change their expectations of life. Gently! I have to be cheerful about it, too, for it to work, but they seem to respond pretty well in the short run, & they seem to be gradually maturing the right direction in the long run.

 

HTH! :001_smile:

 

(& fwiw, today's a bad attitude day, so I'm clearly not an expert!)

[Laurie4b]

I think that some kids are naturally more grateful than others; however, I think that what you are describing isn't primarily an issue of gratitude, but of training about being part of a human community. In a family, church, team, office setting, all persons must do their share. There is no freeloading.

 

You may have to "connect the dots" for your kids (though it sounds like you're doing that.) You may need to try a way of doing it that is more proactive. For instance, at dinner: everyone share what you did to help the family.

 

You've had some good suggetsions for proactive things. Here are some reactive things I've done:

 

Based on the Scripture: "If a man will not work, let him not eat," I've offered a graduated meal plan based on how well the kids have contributed. Great contribution: meal, seconds, dessert. Good contribution: Meal with reasonable seconds. No dessert. Poor contribution: "plain, healthy meal." This is a meal with all the nutrition of the meal the rest of us are getting but without the same tastiness quotient. For instance, if the rest of us are eating pizza, a "plain healthy meal" equivalent is bread, slices of cheese, slices of tomato. If the rest of us are having BBQ chicken, salad, and mashed potatoes, "plain healthy meal" is plain chicken, boiled potatoes (no salt, butter, pepper), and salad (no dressing, croutons, etc.) If someone earns a "plain healthy meal" I make sure the rest of us are having a meal in which the sauces, condiments, etc. really matter. (I named it "plain, healthy meal" so that if they talked about it outside the home, no one would think they were being deprived of food. They are not. Just flavor. )

 

I have also "gone on strike" to make the point. No one did the kitchen jobs last night? Gee, I can't cook. Dad and I will go out to supper. Help yourselves to whatever you can find. (Mine are old enough to be left alone. If they weren't, Dad and I might get take out and the kids get PB& J or something.) I have also let them know that if I had to do their jobs for them, then I wouldn't be available to drive them to baseball, etc. These are just logical consequences of not pitching in: quality of life goes down.

 

When I asked my older two sons to do their own laundry, they rebelled and said they wouldn't do it. I said, "Fine with me, but neither will I." One son immediately got with it. The other "recycled" clothes for a while before he started doing his own. That's just a natural consequence. You don't do your laundry, you don't have clean clothes.

[eternalknot]

I think that some kids are naturally more grateful than others; however, I think that what you are describing isn't primarily an issue of gratitude, but of training about being part of a human community. In a family, church, team, office setting, all persons must do their share. There is no freeloading.

 

:iagree: I don't think gratitude can be taught. I can't make someone feel something, you know, even if they are going through the motions. Same goes for the whole saying "I'm sorry" thing - there is saying it, and there is MEANING it. They aren't always inclusive of one another.

 

That said, it's important to teach kids what it means to be part of a family and community. Bonus points if they learn sincere appreciation, respect, and gratitude along the way, which most will IME/IMO.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree: I don't think gratitude can be taught. I can't make someone feel something, you know, even if they are going through the motions. Same goes for the whole saying "I'm sorry" thing - there is saying it, and there is MEANING it. They aren't always inclusive of one another.

 

That said, it's important to teach kids what it means to be part of a family and community. Bonus points if they learn sincere appreciation, respect, and gratitude along the way, which most will IME/IMO.

 

I think what can be taught is the habit of at least going through the motions. I don't think this is hypocrisy. I think it is part of being in society. But I also know from my own experience that when I go through the motions of something (for example of being happy) quite often my emotions will follow suit. Of course sometimes they won't and again from my own experience, it is when I am making some conscious choices to go the other way.