OK...here's another doozie...

[BMW]

So... let's say you have an 18 year old daughter...let's say she studied abroad for senior year and is coming home for spring break...

 

Let's say she announces a couple of weeks before coming home that she has a boyfriend who is 28 and lives about 40 minutes from your home. And he happens to have a 10 year old daughter.

 

And she happily asks you to go out to lunch with him to meet him while she is home for spring break.

 

And... let's say that she is also going to travel to a nearby city to see her father who she hasn't seen for a few years. And you have another adult child who informs you that this 18 year old daughter has made plans to spend the night in a hotel that night with her boyfriend...

 

Oh, my. Deep breath. Sheesh. I don't know if I am asking for advice or what you would do... or not... GRRRR!

 

And let's say that this said daughter hides things from you... she is two faced... She acts one way for you and your standards and hides that she has lives a whole other life "out there" that you do not know about...

 

Okay... let me have it... Ramudamom, do I envision you with a rope??

 

Thanks... GRRRR!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Bee - in this case, she's 18, she's essentially left your home already even though she's in her senior year. I think I would bite my tongue on this one. I would go meet her boyfriend because he could possibly become your SIL. I would not hide your values from her but I would not try to make her try to relearn them (since she presumably knows them). I would definitely have her obey your rules in your own home.

[Mommyof4ks]

I have no idea, because my oldest is 10. Just wanted to offer :grouphug:, because I can only imagine the emotions I would feel in your situation.

[Brindee]

But you don't have to worry about this, cuz this is all hypothetical, right??? ;)

 

Yowch! :grouphug: from me too. That's a tough situation, but Jean's right--technically she's an adult, and especially since she's already out of the house.... I agree also--meet the boyfriend, slap him..Oooops, no :tongue_smilie: But, certainly they need to follow YOUR rules if they come to YOUR house!

 

I'm praying for this situation!

[BMW]

Thanks... you know... I didn't mention that this girl is also very close to me, in spite of her hiding things. I know that I matter SO much to her. She calls me so often to say, "I love you mom! I miss you so much! You mean the world to me!" I think I am in a momentary panic mode because it suddenly hits me that she IS "grown up" now and making these choices and I have such hopes and dreams for her! I don't want her to regret things!!!

[Brindee]

Thanks... you know... I didn't mention that this girl is also very close to me, in spite of her hiding things. I know that I matter SO much to her. She calls me so often to say, "I love you mom! I miss you so much! You mean the world to me!" I think I am in a momentary panic mode because it suddenly hits me that she IS "grown up" now and making these choices and I have such hopes and dreams for her! I don't want her to regret things!!!

I think you should have a girls day out---or at least awhile where it's just you and her. Go out to eat, talk, laugh, and tell her how you feel. That you want the best for her. That you don't want her to regret anything. That you love her so much it hurts! That you want her to be happy! That you care deeply about her, her life and plans!

 

Maybe you've done that already. Doing something like that now and then can help keep the lines of communication open, so that if things don't go well, her first thought will be to tell you.

 

Anyway, I wish you both well and hope this works out!

[nevergiveup]

I met a guy when I was 18/19 during my first year in college. He was 8 years older than I. We have been married 26 years now and have two kids.

[mom4him]

Thanks... you know... I didn't mention that this girl is also very close to me, in spite of her hiding things. I know that I matter SO much to her. She calls me so often to say, "I love you mom! I miss you so much! You mean the world to me!" I think I am in a momentary panic mode because it suddenly hits me that she IS "grown up" now and making these choices and I have such hopes and dreams for her! I don't want her to regret things!!!

I would do two things. I would definitely go meet her bf and unless there is a major check in your heart I would try to embrace him.

I would also have a sit down talk with my dd and let her know(this is when you are both calm and not emotional) that you know her plans, that she is 18 so although you don't agree with them she is now making decissions for her self. I would definitely let her know that they thing that hurts is that she would try to deceive me.

I believe in being open and honest with my kids even when they have sometimes not been very honest with me. It always sets them back as to how I could have found out about ...... and I always tell them that God is faithful and He makes a way for me to find out the things that I need to know.

Praying:grouphug:

[Renee in NC]

My cousin was 28 when he started dating a 16yo girl (with her parents' permission.) They married when she was 17 (just before her senior year) and they have been happily married for more than 20 years...

[ConnieB]

She's 18...she can go to a hotel with her boyfriend if she wants. That's the hard reality of having an adult child. :grouphug:

 

And...sadly, there is little you are likely to do to change her choices. She's probably being "two faced" and not telling you about it because she knows that it would cause you the pain you are feeling. And while she doesn't want to cause you that pain (and thus is trying to protect you from it), she also has apparently made her own decision about how she wants to live her life. Another hard reality....you taught her your beliefs, she has to choose now whether to believe them. And, she will have to suffer the consequences, or reap the benefits of her choices.

 

Probably the best thing you can do is try to change your relationship from being her "Mom" to being her friend. Not easy, not necessarily desireable, but it is the best way that you will almost guarantee that you will continue to have a close, honest, loving relationship with her. To continue to judge her by your standards, you risk losing that relationship. And...the positive side to this....once you are able to make the transition to her friend....then your beliefs can be gently instilled again.....or at least remind her of them in a fashion she will listen to.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It ain't easy, but it quite likely very necessary. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree with the other posters. She's an adult. I wouldn't LIKE it, but these are HER choices to make.

 

Now, what you allow in YOUR house is a little different. You set the standards in your home. In my home, we don't allow adults to practice fornication or drunkenness or a number of other things. A person who chose that would also be choosing to find a new set of four walls.

 

On a more positive note. When I was 18 (on my own, btw), I was seeing a 32 yr old, took him home to both sides of my family and....My family kept their mouths shut. A couple months later, I started seeing hubby who was 25 at the time. Again, my family kept their mouths shut. My parents REALLY like my hubby (and have since we married); but I'm sure they were a bit concerned along the way.

 

Soooooooooooo.....

 

She's an adult.

It will work out one way or another.

 

ETA: I probably *would* say SOMETHING. I can't imagine the level of self-control necessary to NOT say something. Maybe if you asked her about it? Maybe if you asked if you could voice your concerns?

Edited March 1, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Lolly]

You asked what I would do in this situation? I would go to lunch and meet the boyfriend with as open a mind as possible. Pretend I didn't know about the hotel. She knows your standards and that this does not meet with them. Look at it as being considerate not to tell you in a manner that would seem a slap in the face to you. Then, I would probably make sure she had an appointment with a doctor to make sure she had easy access to birth control. All done without letting her know that I knew her little secret.

[Mary in VA]

First, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. I have a 19 yo dd at college that I am very close to. I can't imagine your feelings right now. I would be reeling.

 

I'm confused. If she has been abroad for her senior year, how did she meet this guy? Has she only met him on the internet? Will her spring break be the first time she has met him in person? Or did she meet him before she went abroad? If she hasn't met him irl yet she may be disappointed in him.

 

Also, if she is planning on being physically intimate with this guy, is she doing anything to prevent pregnancy? Because a boyfriend can be temporary, but a child and father are forever.

 

Praying for you,

Mary

[SquirrellyMama]

I think you have every right to talk to your dd about this, about how you feel, about the mistakes she might be making especially if this is an internet romance. My parents didn't talk to me about things when I was 17 and dating a 22 yr old. I wish they had.

 

I know she is 18 but she can still be given advice. Of course as mom you know her and you know if she'll take it well or not.

 

I'm really sorry she is doing this to you. :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

I can't address your particular issue, but I can tell you a story:

 

When my half sister was sixteen, she started going out with a forty-year-old man. He was an okay guy, but my father hoped that this was not a long term prospect. However my father knew that my sister was very stubborn and if he objected to the relationship she would be out the door.

 

My father put some lenient limits on the relationship to ensure that my sister had the time to work hard at school. She went off to Oxford, came back at Christmas and dumped the guy. In her first term at university she had met her forever man. They plan to marry next year.

 

Laura

Edited March 1, 2010 by Laura Corin

[Carol in Cal.]

...I think I would try to avoid her finding out that I knew of her hotel plans. I would have already covered STD's and moral issues in detail (actually my DD is 13 and I have done this already, and have ongoing discussions about the moral issues from time to time) and I would feel like having a confrontation would probably do no good and possibly would do a great deal of harm. If I had my nose rubbed in the hotel plans, I would not back down from saying what I thought, but in a detached 'you're the adult here' kind of way.

[Remudamom]

Ugh. If you're close, have a heart to heart, and then I'm afraid at 18 you'll have to let it go. Especially if she's been gone from home for a while.

 

If the heart to heart doesn't work I'll send you a lariet and some hobbles. Call a local vet and see what they charge for gelding.

[Lori Di]

My son did the same thing to me. He was working and going to college...ya know all the right things. Then...the girl or shall I say woman came into his life! She was his boss! 26 he was 18. I did not allow him to see her talked to him about priorities the whole motherly/fatherly thing.......and he moved out! One moth later she was pregnant but I did not know because he kept it from me for 5 months!!! This was a kid that never gave us problems, great work ethic, and had his head on straight. Now he is 21 broken up with the girl and quit college! He does have a beautiful daughter and he still has a great work ethic. Thank you Lord Jesus! We still love him and his daughter but at 18 theyy have a mind of their own. I think you should call your daughter out on her behavior but know that at 18 she will do what SHE wants to do. Hopefully she will take your advice!

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

She's 18...she can go to a hotel with her boyfriend if she wants. That's the hard reality of having an adult child. :grouphug:

 

And...sadly, there is little you are likely to do to change her choices. She's probably being "two faced" and not telling you about it because she knows that it would cause you the pain you are feeling. And while she doesn't want to cause you that pain (and thus is trying to protect you from it), she also has apparently made her own decision about how she wants to live her life. Another hard reality....you taught her your beliefs, she has to choose now whether to believe them. And, she will have to suffer the consequences, or reap the benefits of her choices.

 

Probably the best thing you can do is try to change your relationship from being her "Mom" to being her friend. Not easy, not necessarily desireable, but it is the best way that you will almost guarantee that you will continue to have a close, honest, loving relationship with her. To continue to judge her by your standards, you risk losing that relationship. And...the positive side to this....once you are able to make the transition to her friend....then your beliefs can be gently instilled again.....or at least remind her of them in a fashion she will listen to.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It ain't easy, but it quite likely very necessary. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[nandmsmom]

Having been the daughter that did these things, there isn't much you can do to change her back to your little girl. Hug her and accept her boyfriend. Accept that she is doing things that you don't approve of and love her despite it. Otherwise, you'll likely lose her for quite a while and push her to make more decisions that you really don't want her to make.

[TXMomof4]

I would certainly call her on it. You don't have to be mean or awful to let her know you're not dumb either. It is her decision, she can do whatever she chooses, but being deceitful is more of a character trait than a bad decision, kwim? Let her know you know the situation, don't demand she cease and desist, but tell her you love her. I will bet that will have a much bigger impact on her heart than just letting her 'get away with it' or demanding she not see him.

 

I haven't done this with my kids, but I was that kid. I made some bad decisions but my parents let me and I learned from them. I also learned (the hard way) that I could trust my parents even with things they didn't approve of. They loved me anyway.

[hsmom27]

If she's happy, I would be happy for her. I was that girl, only my boyfriend was 20 years older than me and had a 8yo (he was divorced). My parents were extremely disapproving and talked about how this wasn't what they planned or dreamed of for me. He was older than me, but was a well educated and responsible professional man. If they had met him in other circumstances, they would have liked him.

 

We dated for 6 years and have now been happily married over 10. (I did finish college.) My parents have alienated us to a such a degree that we have moved half way across the country and never see them. That means they also never see our 4, soon to be 5, children. What's silly to me is that they could never see past what they wanted, to what made me happy. I love my husband and my parents. My parents are angry now that we won't send to kids to visit them. Why would I send my kids off to see someone I know will bad mouth their father to them?

 

Just follow your DD lead. If this is the guy, be happy and supportive. If the relationship does sour, then at least you'll still have a relationship with her. I hope everything works out for both of you.

[Starr]

I would ask if this level of intimacy is new. It sounds like a whole new level of discussion. Remember how easily most young girls become pregnant. I'm sorry for the shock. It is great that you are close. If you talk more with her you might be able to encourage her to take her time with this relationship. I would have the boyfriend over to the house so I could get to know him better. Lunch can be rather formal. She needs to see him in her family environment. Whose car is she taking on this trip?

[Sandy in Indy]

I didn't get the feeling that you were so much upset about his age as the fact that she is hiding the fact that she plans to spend the night in a hotel with this man. That would be my issue!

 

Somehow I think you need to let her know that you know. I think you can do that in a manner that says "I don't care for what you're planning, but I love you and you can talk to me about anything."

 

I would definately go and meet him and attempt not to decapitate him. :-)

 

You have my prayers.

[BMW]

 

Thanks... I just LOVE the hive!!

 

Okay... I've slept and am feeling a bit better. I know that she loves me and is afraid of disapproval. I will assure her that I will always love her. You are right, friends, I don't want to alienate her or have her go headstrong forward because I try to make her do one thing or another...

 

I think for now I will just continue our good relationship that we have and while she is home and we have some time for the two of us I may or may not bring up things that she has kept from me...

 

Sometimes I think that she coasts along on the "we have a great relationship" card. I think that at times she thinks that she has license to do "whatever" because she knows I will always love her. Kind of like, for the Christian the thought process of "God will love me anyway... so I'll just indulge in ________." It's not right, but I think we all do it at times...

 

Thanks again, everyone. Remudamom, I'll have to look up those words to see what those items are... lol.

 

 

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I think you have every right to talk to your dd about this, about how you feel, about the mistakes she might be making especially if this is an internet romance. My parents didn't talk to me about things when I was 17 and dating a 22 yr old. I wish they had.

 

I know she is 18 but she can still be given advice. Of course as mom you know her and you know if she'll take it well or not.

 

I'm really sorry she is doing this to you. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

I would want to warn her that since he has a child that she will always have to contend with the mother and the child. It would not be just him and her in other words which is not necessarily a bad thing, but his situation definitely complicates matters. If she did meet him on the internet that is quite another mattter and could be very bad news. I am probably wrong, but I would do my best to discourage her up to including cutting off all financial assistance to her if she goes against your wishes. You could go to the lunch, but I would tell her that if he loves her then he will wait for marriage and not ask her to go to a hotel room IMHO.

[stephanie78]

It sounds like you have already decided what to do and it sounds like the best thing in this situation. I was also the 19 year old that started dating a 27 year old who had full custody of a 5 year old and 9 month old when we started dating. My family didn't like it and it caused a lot of tension. When we decided to get married we went to a justice of the peace and they didn't find out until after the fact (it's not really something I am proud of but it is what happened). My family finally came around - I think they actually like him better than they like me now :lol: but it was a rough start. We have now been married for eleven years, still have custody of his two kids, and have two more of our own.