Somehow I'm a Bad Daughter

[Garga]

Last week, I set up a time with my parents to call them on Skype (where you can use your camera thingee in your computer and see the person you're calling.)

 

Last night, I realized we already had a meeting we had to go to and would have to change the time of the phone call. (The meeting was at church. They were having a vote to add new members to the church board and dh was one of the people up for election. Couldn't miss it!)

 

I left my parents a message (rather lengthy) last night about the time change for the phone call.

 

So, I called them today at the time change and they said, "Well, you were supposed to call earlier." We asked if they'd received our message and they said that there was no message on their machine.

 

And then they snippily said, "Well we can't talk now. We're busy" End of conversation. They do this a lot. Their idea of being "busy" is ironing or doing the dishes or watching a TV show. I'm not kidding. They'll refuse to talk to me because they're "doing dishes." Even on the regular phone that they could just stick on their shoulder. I've offered to buy my mom a headset for the phone so she and I can talk while she irons or does dishes. Nope. She doesn't want it.

 

See, the subtext with all this is that they have had in their minds for years now that I am a Bad Daughter. If I make one misstep, they seem to think I did it intentionally and chalk it up to me being a Bad Daughter.

 

It's frustrating. Because they're not really very good parents. I mean, it's not like they ever set up a time to call me. I always am expected to do the extending. And if I change the time for the phone call that I had to set up, then I'm a Bad Daughter. They don't call on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or my birthday. Or my kids' birthdays.

 

And they're the sort of people that if you say, "We had a miscommunication, let's talk about it," they're not interested and will say, "We don't feel comfortable talking about this." End of conversation. Maybe they think I was lying about leaving them a message. I know I left it, though, because their answering machine rings a full 12 times before the machine kicks on, and I even made a joke at the beginning of leaving the message saying that you had to be persistent if you want to leave them a message (having to wait thru 12 rings.)

 

It drives my dh nuts. I can see him tightening his lips to stop himself from bad-mouthing my parents. He couldn't help himself today and said, "I'm going to ask for my money back for that camera we bought them." Because we're the ones who gave them the camera so that they could talk to us and see the grandkids. (They live 2500 miles away.)

 

Well. I know there are a lot of you on the board with issues like this. I guess I'm in good company.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Garga_

[Carol in Cal.]

:grouphug:

[Cindyg]

I think I better go call my mom. :(

 

(Your situation with your parents is really sad. Keep your expectations really low. Though it sounds like you're used to that by now.)

[i.love.lucy]

My mom is remarried to someone who had 4 kids. ALL of us think we are the bad ones but to each of us they sing the praises of the others. So when my step-sister will tell me how fabulous she's always told that I am I'm like "WHA..?" And vice-versa. Just the way it is with some parents.

 

Let's not do that to our kids, shall we? :)

 

:grouphug:

[Garga]

ACK! I just talked to dh and he said that the reason they were too "busy" to talk at the new time was because they were watching tv!

 

After clearing up that we left a message about the time change, and my dad saying they didn't get the message, dh said, "Well, are you busy now? Would you like to talk?" and my dad said, "Nah. We're watching tv."

 

We set up a new time for next Sunday, but, you know...I really don't feel like talking to them ever again. We got them the camera so they could see the grandkids, but they're just not interested.

 

It hurts right now.

 

I'm their only child and they moved away a few years ago. It's not like they're so busy with family and stuff or that we see each other all the time or something. I've had to push and prod just to get them to agree to weekly phone calls.

Edited March 1, 2010 by Garga

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug:

 

I wanna remember these posts. I wanna be a good MIL, a good DIL, a good gma...... It's so sad that the ones we grow up around... are the ones who can just stab us in the heart.

 

 

I'm sorry!!

[mcconnellboys]

You're in very good company, my dear. I'm sorry, but as my sister and I like to console ourselves, think of it this way: WE will not be like that with our grown children and grandchildren, now will we? At least there is some comfort in knowing that we can learn from the mistakes of others, as well as our own...... And it really is their loss, isn't it?

[KinderSafari]

Sometimes life is just very sad. :(

 

Excellent suggestions so far! Set low expectations - DEFINITELY!

 

It's very frustrating when we reach out and the other person doesn't acknowledge the effort, or doesn't care.

 

It's hard, but just try to focus on being the best YOU can be!

 

If you keep getting hurt, you need to step back a bit. Try setting up something every other week, or once a month, etc.

 

My in-laws can go MONTHS (seriously) without talking to each other. Not that they don't like each other, they just don't see the need.

 

Then there are my parents, whom I haven't seen or talked to in 4 1/2 years because, well, my mom is just not a good person and my kids don't need to be around her and we don't need to explain to them the problems she has.

 

Very, very sad. It slowly gets easier over time. But I still do get jealous of others with good family relationships...

 

AND...like so many pointed out...let that be a good reminder to US to not do the same things! Be sad, give it to God, move on, do your best, and strive to learn and be the best you can be!

 

Blessings to you!!

[Guest janainaz]

I saw my mother yesterday for the first time in 10 years. Before that, I saw her for about an hour, and at that time had not seen her in five years. She has severe emotional problems and has all of her life. It was really lovely being her daughter and pouring out love every day of my life to a woman who could never truly receive it. I've been one of her two bad daughter's all my life, and that is after going through absolute hell with her for half of my life.

 

As all these years have passed, I've gone through many seasons emotionally. I have realized that if there is ever to be a relationship, it's going to have nothing to do with what she can give me. It's going to be solely based on any mercy and compassion I can give to her. It's about me loving her and never giving up hope. She did not look for me in all those years and hid herself. I could have died of cancer or been hit by a bus and she wouldn't have had a clue. Once I realized that there was nothing wrong with me that she could not love me and that it was about her issues, I was able to heal and see it for what it really is.

 

There are some relationships in life that are not give and take. Some of them require a total pouring out of love regardless of what you get back. It's easy to love people who love you, it's much harder to love those that don't return it. But that is the meaning of real love.

[*Inna*]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:l

[Ravin]

My dad can be like this. If you don't call him, or go over to his house three times a week, he tends to forget you exist. Add in his recent habit of bad-mouthing his sons-in-law (at least, my DH and my sister D's DH), and the fact that two of his three biological daughters (my sister R and I) live in different states from him, and we tend to be very low on his priority list.

 

We ignore it, as much as we can, and sometimes blow up at him and attempt to put him back in reality (sis D has done this most recently, R hardly ever talks to him any more and hasn't for years). Really, though, such relationships are best managed at arms reach, in my experience.

[JVA]

I'm sorry you have this hurt. I'm familiar with it...... my mother really has nothing to do with us. I used to be the one to lure her and coax her to have some sort of relationship with our kids.....after several years of that, I realized she had no interest in it on her own so, I stopped trying. We are where we are now because of that. My mother has labeled me things, too. 'Bad daughter' might even be one of those names she's put on me! I do what I think is my duty by being honoring and checking on her health, sending her occasional updates on our 5 kids a and Christmas/Birthday/Mother's Day cards or gifts. It's very painful but I think she's gotten the worst end of it as she doesn't even know our children and has missed out on how neat they are!

The only advice I have for you is to take some time to figure out what is really necessary. What are you REALLY obligated to do? I'd vote for less frequent contact, to start with.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Peela]

I think as adults we often have to really let go of our parents completely..and come back to the relationship fresh and without expectations. Your situation sucks- particularly as you are the only child. It would either make me confront them until whatever bitterness they harbour is out on the table and they are forced to name it, or just back off completely and let THEM be the ones that WANT to phone you- even if it takes a year or two for them to get to that point. Their attitude is pretty lame- I would not put my heart out like that. I wouldn't phone them any more until something changed. You can love them and wish them the absolute best without buying into their bitterness and putting your heart on the line. I bet if you didn't phone, eventually, they would, and you could greet them with love and happiness that they phoned. Or....treat them like a couple of old fogies who need parenting themselves, do your duty and hang up. Either way, its not solely your responsiblity to make the relationship work or to maintain a connection. I would be sad too...but not as sad as trying to make it into something it isn't.

[G5052]

I've gone through many seasons emotionally. I have realized that if there is ever to be a relationship, it's going to have nothing to do with what she can give me. It's going to be solely based on any mercy and compassion I can give to her. It's about me loving her.

 

Some of us will never have a "real" relationship with our mothers, no matter what we do. Some of our children will never have grandparents that truly love them. That's hard to accept, but it's a reality. Be decent, but don't play games.

 

That's my world too, and at least I know that I've always been decent and had her welfare at heart.

[Denisemomof4]

oh good grief. That's such an insignificant thing to get upset about. I hate to say it, but your parents sound like very unhappy people. DON'T let this get you down. I think it's good you live so far apart from each other.

 

My MIL never once called any of us for our birthdays. She only called dh once in all our married life to wish him a happy birthday, and that's because she was afraid she was losing him as we were trying to relocate and she was worried about who would take care of her. :confused:

 

You weren't being a bad daughter so don't think that.

:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Either way, its not solely your responsiblity to make the relationship work or to maintain a connection. I would be sad too...but not as sad as trying to make it into something it isn't.

:iagree:It is not your responsibility to make them happy. Why did they move so far away from you? I'm not suggesting that you are chasing them around saying "look at me, and what I've done." But maybe they feel that they are finished.

 

What kind of relationship did they have with their parents (your grands)after they were grown? If it was not any kind of close one, maybe that is what they expect.

 

That your dh had to cajole the camera into their home in the fist place should tell you something. Maybe they are not tech savvy and will be pleased as punch with a phone call twice a year, a two day visit in the summer, and portraits at Christmas.

 

And if because of their own doing they have no relationship with their grandkids, that is their loss. Your kids have another set of grands to spoinl them, right?

Edited March 1, 2010 by Parrothead

[kalanamak]

ACK!

It hurts right now.

 

I'm their only child and they moved away a few years ago. It's not like they're so busy with family and stuff or that we see each other all the time or something. I've had to push and prod just to get them to agree to weekly phone calls.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you were the child of people who don't seem to like children.

[OnTheBrink]

Well, I'm the Queen of Bad Daughters. And right now, I wear that title proudly.

 

I got a venomous diatribe from my mother that started with, "I"ve been praying and meditating over this letter...." and then went on for 3 pages calling my Ex names, my dad names, accusing me of all sorts of ridiculous things, slandering my church and pastor and then informing me that I'm welcome back into her family just as soon as God deals with how mean I am. The letter is signed, "In Christ, Love Mom."

 

What prompted this? LAST SUMMER, I drove out to So. CA and asked her to meet us somewhere so I wouldn't have to drive an additional 1,000 miles round trip, totally out of the way no matter how I mapped this out, and she refused to meet us, first insisting she couldn't get vacation time (she's a ps teacher/psychologist and this trip was at the end of June. She was already OUT of school by then, by several weeks), then she'd refuse to answer the phone or have any further conversation.

 

SO, I'm now "monsterously mean" "ungodly" "hurtful" "dishonoring" etc and so forth. AND she's mad I didn't call her husband on his birthday or send Christmas presents, never mind the fact she didn't call either of her grandkids on their birthdays or send a stinking Christmas present, either.

 

All that to say, I can relate. And it hurts. I've been struggling for weeks (this letter came at the beginning of Feb) over this, having nightmares, anxiety attacks, overall stress, knowing that the more I let this get to me, the more she's "won." My pastor suggested to focus on the good in my life, realize the things she's said are lies and not let her anger and bitterness become MY anger and bitterness. It's hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Garga]

Well, for all you Christians out there, here's how I'm handling it now.

 

Last night when I posted I was still feeling very, very low. The sort of sadness that would last for a number of days or weeks, or longer.

 

But, (what you don't know) I'd just finished reading that very day, a book all about praising God during times of difficulty--physical, economic, emotional--and letting him handle it. The book was given to dh and I had no intention of reading it. It has been in the house for about 8 months. I started reading it on Friday on a whim. It was short and I only spent about 2 hours in time reading it and was done. It was published in 1972 and falling apart at the seams. The pages are crumbling.

 

Coincidence? Don't think so. I finished the book and went to church. I told the couple who lent it to me that I thought it was a really good book and gave me a lot to think about. Then I thought to myself, "That was a good book but I don't have any difficulties right now. I'll have to try to remember it for when I have a problem come up in my life." And a couple of hours later-BAM! Knife to the heart. I mean, honestly! That's exactly the timing of everything and what I was thinking! Can it be any more obvious that God was preparing me to handle this???

 

So, after feeling miserable for 3 hours and whining to my invisible friends on the WTM board, I realized I must have read that particular book at that particular time for a reason.

 

So, I went to bed and told God that even though I still felt horrible, that I would praise him. I praised him that he gave me parents that he did, even though I wasn't sure why, but he must have had some plan for it--to mold me into who I am, something. I praised him that this had even happened with them, because somehow he would handle it and change either them or me and I would get to see him do something wonderful in my life.

 

I praised him that I know he has me in his hand, he's a good shepherd, he loves me tenderly, there is some reason for it. And I told him that I would continue to praise him, even if I never understood it or saw anything wonderful. I would still trust that he knows what he's doing.

 

I feel a lot better now. I mean, the pain is just gone. It left as soon as I was done praying in bed. I was able to give it to God and then fall asleep feeling very peaceful.

 

I'm pretty confident that he knew that this misunderstanding was coming up, so he got me reading that book (I had NO intention of reading it) at the exact time I would need it. He really does love me and he really is in control of my life.

 

I'm going to continue to call them, but I agree with the other posters. I won't have expectations, but I'll continue to reach out to them gently and let God lead me in how to handle them and myself.

[Garga]

 

Praise God--do they ever! My dh's parents spoil them rotten. She even puts m&ms IN their chocolate pudding. What a great grandma!

[sheryl]

Last week, I set up a time with my parents to call them on Skype (where you can use your camera thingee in your computer and see the person you're calling.)

 

Last night, I realized we already had a meeting we had to go to and would have to change the time of the phone call. (The meeting was at church. They were having a vote to add new members to the church board and dh was one of the people up for election. Couldn't miss it!)

 

I left my parents a message (rather lengthy) last night about the time change for the phone call.

 

So, I called them today at the time change and they said, "Well, you were supposed to call earlier." We asked if they'd received our message and they said that there was no message on their machine.

 

And then they snippily said, "Well we can't talk now. We're busy" End of conversation. They do this a lot. Their idea of being "busy" is ironing or doing the dishes or watching a TV show. I'm not kidding. They'll refuse to talk to me because they're "doing dishes." Even on the regular phone that they could just stick on their shoulder. I've offered to buy my mom a headset for the phone so she and I can talk while she irons or does dishes. Nope. She doesn't want it.

 

See, the subtext with all this is that they have had in their minds for years now that I am a Bad Daughter. If I make one misstep, they seem to think I did it intentionally and chalk it up to me being a Bad Daughter.

 

It's frustrating. Because they're not really very good parents. I mean, it's not like they ever set up a time to call me. I always am expected to do the extending. And if I change the time for the phone call that I had to set up, then I'm a Bad Daughter. They don't call on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or my birthday. Or my kids' birthdays.

 

And they're the sort of people that if you say, "We had a miscommunication, let's talk about it," they're not interested and will say, "We don't feel comfortable talking about this." End of conversation. Maybe they think I was lying about leaving them a message. I know I left it, though, because their answering machine rings a full 12 times before the machine kicks on, and I even made a joke at the beginning of leaving the message saying that you had to be persistent if you want to leave them a message (having to wait thru 12 rings.)

 

It drives my dh nuts. I can see him tightening his lips to stop himself from bad-mouthing my parents. He couldn't help himself today and said, "I'm going to ask for my money back for that camera we bought them." Because we're the ones who gave them the camera so that they could talk to us and see the grandkids. (They live 2500 miles away.)

 

Well. I know there are a lot of you on the board with issues like this. I guess I'm in good company.

 

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

I'm so very sorry. My Mom and I had a great relationship...she passed away over 20 years ago. My dad is unusual...he will initiate if it benefits him.

[Remudamom]

Shake the dust off girl.

[Chris in VA]

Garga,

I can see God saying to you,

 

"When the parents I gave you show their human frailty, I will be your parent.

 

I will be your Mother.

I will tenderly kiss you when you fall down, I will sit with you in the dark when you are afraid, I will hold you when the world overwhelms you.

 

I will be your father.

I will let you lean on me when you have no strength left, I will guard you when you are in danger, I will tenderly toss you up and hug you and tell you how lovely you are, and how proud I am of you.

 

When you need help and guidance, you can come to me, and I will whisper in your ear when to turn right and when to turn left, to keep you on a wise and straight path.

 

And should you turn from me to seek a way that is not wise, I will wait for you every night at the gate. And when you come home, you will find a wonderful party and much rejoicing.

 

You are precious to me."

 

God can redeem anything. Perhaps the needs your parents don't choose to fill can simply be used of God to show you how he can and does care for you.

Many hugs.

[Garga]

Thank you, Chris. I think you're right.

[tonya in sc]

I understand.

I love my mother, but she has never really been my mother. She chose booze and boyfriends over her children her entire life. I haven't spoken to her in 1.5 years, not because I am mad, but because she just isn't on my radar. The best way I have found to deal with her is the low expectations thing. The main low expectation is this: I don't expect her to be my mother. She never has been, so why would that change now? My children don't miss her in their lives because they have other wonderful grandparents.

Don't buy into the guilt. My mom tells anyone who will listen that her kids don't care about her. We don't visit when she is in the hospital. We don't call or send gifts on holidays and birthdays. She leaves out certain facts: she has never had anyone notify me when she is in the hospital; she has not, in at least 30 years, sent me or my children a card or gift on holidays/birthdays. She doesn't even know when mine is.

Do what you can, and enjoy your kids. Only God can change a heart.

 

Blessings,

tonya

[Ame E.]

lf you want a relationship with them, you decide when and how often to call.

You have two options. One is you consult them and pick a mutually agreed upon day and time, which they may abuse and it might not be worth consulting them.. or you just call when you feel like it, and if they don't call back or give you garbage, let it go.

 

Option 1 - You probably know their schedule (when they are most likely home). Call at a time that works for you, whether it's once a week, once a month, or twice a month, or whatever. If you have a conflict and can't call at that time, just call or or email (that way you can document it) and talk to them the next week at the scheduled time. Don't get into it with your dad or mom, and say stuff like yes, I did call, etc. Not worth the time or the emotional pain. If they want to talk to you, they will call you. . You are just being courteous. Treat it like a business call. If they say they didn't get the message, that's their issue, not yours, and don't keep calling back. In other words, stay calm. Don't let them push your buttons. Really, treat it like a business call.

 

Option 2 - Call when you can, and don't worry about it. A relationship is two ways.. If it's only you giving and them taking, then it's up to you to set the boundaries for how much and when you want to give. They also may have the expectation that it's the child's role to contact the parents and not the parent's role to make contact with the child. If that is so, then let it be, and just call them when you can.

 

It sounds like you want them to affirm you in a way, which for whatever reason they are incapable of.. so get that affirmation from somewhere else, and when you call them, keep it light, short, and superficial.

 

I know this stuff from personal experience with my own family.

 

Ame

[AuntPol]

Hugs

 

My Inlaws are that way. They don't call or send cards for our birthdays or anniversaries. They mail out a Christmas check on Christmas Eve. However, we are expected to make sure they get a card and store bought gift (Bad DIL that I am, I made homemade ones for them as I do my family and that put me further down the totem pole). They buy lavishly for favorite grand daughter (the one who looks like Grandma and is daughter of favorite daughter). In fact, we drove up (12 hours) to have a picture made of all the grandkids. MIL decided that she had to take fave grandchild shopping because she had taken one of the ones that live there shopping and it wouldn't be fair for favorite grandchild to not have the same thing. This was in front of the rest of the grandchildren who apparantly don't need fairness.

 

If we don't send pictures, we are bad but they do not put up the ones we send. They have pictures all over house of their favorite grandchild, a token one of favorite grandchild's brother and a token one of the ones that live in town but not ours or one other sister (she's lower than us--she lives 5 minutes walking and they won't speak to her because they have to powerwash the deck and they can't remember the gender of her 2 yo).

 

They have never visited us in twelve years (though they go out to visit favorite grand child regularly). When we visit, they won't babysit for us (but will keep favorite child for a week so mom can go partying in the next state). They don't change their routine at all to accomodate us. They do what they do and if we fit in, we do and we don't, we don't. Fitting in their schedule means watching the Food Network and eating dinner unless they had plans to go out. I'm not allowed to go Black Friday shopping with MIL because I take up too much room.

 

They don't call us unless someone/something is dying and MIL wants attention. I think we are on the call list after the plumber, mailman, and vet though.

 

And yes, they consider DH one of the two bad kids. He's not as bad as his sister and it's probably not his fault, he is influenced by me, the EVIL one.

[Harriet Vane]

Garga,

I can see God saying to you,

 

"When the parents I gave you show their human frailty, I will be your parent.

 

I will be your Mother.

I will tenderly kiss you when you fall down, I will sit with you in the dark when you are afraid, I will hold you when the world overwhelms you.

 

I will be your father.

I will let you lean on me when you have no strength left, I will guard you when you are in danger, I will tenderly toss you up and hug you and tell you how lovely you are, and how proud I am of you.

 

When you need help and guidance, you can come to me, and I will whisper in your ear when to turn right and when to turn left, to keep you on a wise and straight path.

 

And should you turn from me to seek a way that is not wise, I will wait for you every night at the gate. And when you come home, you will find a wonderful party and much rejoicing.

 

You are precious to me."

 

God can redeem anything. Perhaps the needs your parents don't choose to fill can simply be used of God to show you how he can and does care for you.

Many hugs.

 

Truly lovely. Thanks for offering this.

[Denisemomof4]

Chris in VA, beautifully written.

 

Garga, I remember being in your shoes. It was very painful being the daughter who was left out, unloved, etc. That's how I always felt. One day I was reading the Boundaries book/bible study and I learned in there that I had to accept my relationship with my parents RIGHT WHERE IT WAS. To do this would help me not to set up expectations. It took time, but God did transform my heart. I had so many hurts from my childhood, and He healed them all. And he gave us the opportunity to have the most beautiful relationship, one I never thought I could have with my parents. I'm so thankful this happened before my parents got sick. I enjoyed a beautiful relationship with them for 10 years, and in the end, I was my mother's caretaker. She died in my home under Hospice. It's the biggest gift I've ever given anyone.

 

I don't know if you can ever have a blessed relationship with your parents. But to help heal your hurts you need to be realistic about where your relationship is, and accept it right where it is. When situations occur that hurt you, keep trying for your kids. Unless the relationship is unhealthy for your kids, do it for them. Once they no longer have the power to hurt you (not that they're doing it intentionally, I don't know) it will get easier. I know for me I was a grown woman with my own family and STILL trying to gain my parent's approval. How sad is that? And yet I know many do this until their dying days.

 

So sorry for your hurts, and I'm glad God has redirected them.

:grouphug:

[tex-mex]

I think I better go call my mom. :(

 

(Your situation with your parents is really sad. Keep your expectations really low. Though it sounds like you're used to that by now.)

 

Our in-laws dutifully call us every week on a Sunday night -- like clockwork. They are so sweet and overlook many of our faults. I feel like a heel 'cause I never really make an effort to keep in touch as they live 1,000 miles away. Garga's folks were very mean to make her feel that way. :grouphug:

[duckens]

We cannot change our parents or the past, but we have infinite control over the future. Hold on to the truth that you are not a bad daughter; you were honorable to support your dh and your church commitments, and to leave a message for your folks. Hold onto this truth.

 

The good news is that we get a second chance at a parent-child relationship. Go right NOW and give each of your children a hug and a kiss, and tell them each how much you love them and how much they each mean to you. Reaffirm to yourself to be the best parent you can for your children even on the days you don't feel like it.

 

Sending many hugs your way,

--Laura in Iowa

who is going to go hug dd right now

[AuntPol]

Well, I type out my complaint about my MIL lol and she called us out of the blue tonight. First time in 12 years of marriage.

 

***edited. Oops. Found out she had just got home from a wake (no one we knew). It seems death reminds her of us LOL.

Edited March 2, 2010 by AuntPol