Please help Neighborhood kids driving me crazy!!!!

[Bluecity24]

Hi, everyone I'm new here and would like some advice on what to do about a situation I've been having. I just moved to a new neighborhood about 1 month ago and I have a 6 yo daughter that I'm very protective over and I do not allow her to go outside to play by herself there is a group of girls that one lives next door and the others live down the street from our house they are constantly ringing my doorbell for my daughter to come outside and play in the afternoons and on weekends sometimes I don't mind taking my daughter out for her to play with them as long as it's not too cold outside, my husband works 5 days a week and he doesn't get home until about 6pm everyday so I have my daughter out until he gets home the big problem that I'm having is the weekends sometimes I will take my daughter outside but most of the time were spending family time together but it's very hard to do that with these kids constantly ringing our doorbell we have told them that my daughter couldn't come outside to play and they just keep one after the other coming back asking if she can play like we are going to say yes to one over the other for her to come outside and play. Last Saturday after going grocery shopping we pulled into our garage and before we could let our garage door down to go in the house we were mobbed by this group of girls inside of my garage asking if my daughter could come outside to play we said no and then they started asking why and begging for her to play. Yesterday they came to the house and we took my daughter outside and let her play I told one of the moms in front of all of the girls that my daughter was going to my sister's house to play with her cousins so that me and my husband could have some alone time for Valentine's day, this morning 10:00 am my doorbell rings it's one of the little girls I tell her my daughter is not home 10 mins later here comes another and another my doorbell rang 6 times with me saying the same thing to each girl. It's starting to get really annoying and I'm wondering how we are going to do summer time I don't wanna seem like the mean lady in the neighborhood and it seems to me that everybody just lets there kids out unsupervised and doesn't care who they bother as long as it's not them I just want to know if anybody has any advice on what I should do I'm not a confrontational person at all and I don't want to seen like the trouble maker in the neighborhood.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some of the ladies on this board have had a system where they put a sign out on their door - a red stop sign if it is not a play time, or a green sign to show that they are available to play. It sounds like you are going to have to be consistent with these girls.

[Julie in Austin]

I would make a cute little two-sided sign for the door--if it is on one side, then they can knock and see if she can play. If it is on the other, they can't knock. You decide which side is showing. :001_smile:

[Parrothead]

If these kids were all from the same family I could see you being frustrated by several attempts to get your dd to play. Since they may or may not be talking to one another you might have to put up with more than one child wanting to play with your child.

 

Why do you not want your dd to play with these other girls? Would it be better if you had them play in your back yard? What if they came in and played? Maybe I'm not understanding, but at 6 unless I live in a hideous neighborhood or on a busy street I'd let my dd play outside with friends.

 

Why did you move to the neighborhood? Did you know there were kids?

 

FYI: You might not seem like the mean mom, but you might come across as the weird homeschooler.

[LibraryLover]

I need punctuation! I need paragraphs!

 

Head is spinning...

[Jean in Newcastle]

I need punctuation! I need paragraphs!

 

Head is spinning...

 

I agree!

[SonshineLearner]

It's hard when you're first posting on a forum:-) We're just lucky that we can format here. I have one forum that I post on, that you absolutely have no control over the formatting.

 

I think the red sign and green sign... lovingly placed might be a great idea!!

 

Carrie:-)

[QueenCat]

I loved having all the kids come knocking when my kids were little. Try to find some balance. If you say no too much, they might not come at all. At 6, you can start thinking about leaving her out in a defined area and just checking on her every once in a while, unless you live in a truly unsafe area.

[Researcher]

It sounds like you're just trying to figure out a way to let them know when it is a good time to play. The traffic light idea is exactly what I was going to suggest.

 

My friend did this a couple of years ago for her kids but before she hung it up, she talked to the other moms on the street and let them know. The other moms loved the idea so much, they asked if she could make more for them!

 

There are some kids who will still ring the doorbell even though the sign is on red but it's been a great help overall.

 

Good luck!

[LibraryLover]

It's hard when you're first posting on a forum:-) We're just lucky that we can format here. I have one forum that I post on, that you absolutely have no control over the formatting.

 

I think the red sign and green sign... lovingly placed might be a great idea!!

 

Carrie:-)

 

 

Bummer. I can't read that. I hope she gets the help she needs from good decoders! People here are way cool. If anyone can help her, someone here can! :)

Edited February 15, 2010 by LibraryLover

[PollyOR]

We have a picture of a school house that we place over the doorbell during school hours. I think I like the idea of a green or red light better. :)

 

Kids tend to bombard us at the beginning of summer, so I know how it feels. There is an adjustment period. I try to remind myself how wonderful it is that my girls have friends who want to play with them. With my two oldest it was the other way around. They were very lonely little girls and it has affected them even as they've gotten older (now 14, 23).

 

I learned the hard way. Family is more important but having friends is important too. Set some boundaries but don't run them off for good. Good luck!

[tex-mex]

If you are too strict, it may backfire on you -- the girls might end up ignoring your ds. The red/green sign is good. Invite the girls over and be a good neighbor. Your ds will appreciate it!

[Bluecity24]

If these kids were all from the same family I could see you being frustrated by several attempts to get your dd to play. Since they may or may not be talking to one another you might have to put up with more than one child wanting to play with your child.

 

Why do you not want your dd to play with these other girls? Would it be better if you had them play in your back yard? What if they came in and played? Maybe I'm not understanding, but at 6 unless I live in a hideous neighborhood or on a busy street I'd let my dd play outside with friends.

 

Why did you move to the neighborhood? Did you know there were kids?

 

FYI: You might not seem like the mean mom, but you might come across as the weird homeschooler.

 

 

It is not at all that I don't want my daughter to play with these girls I've taken her out Monday thru Saturday since we've been here. No all of the girls do not live in the same house but when they are outside playing they are all together one comes rings the doorbell while the rest stand behind. My neighborhood is not bad but really these days what area is 100% safe anymore. I don't want everyone here to think that i'm some sort of crazy mom that is trying to keep her daughter from playing outside with the neighboorhood kids so let me tell you why I don't let my daughter go out by herself. I live in Orange Park, Fl were a couple of months ago a little girl was taken on her way walking home from school and murdered she was with a group of kids and somehow got seperated so I do not feel safe at all letting my daughter go outside to play unsupervised. After something like that happens right around the corner from where you live I don't see how any mom around here could just let their kids run around unsupervised outside. I was already living in this area in an apartment and we decided to buy a house.

[Mommyof4ks]

The sign is a great idea, however you will also need to free up more of your time to be outside with your dd. Before we moved my kids were literally outside from sun up to sun down during the summer, but I could see our whole cul-de-sac from my front windows so no big deal if I was not out there. You certainly need to do what you feel comfortable with when it comes to your child's safety, but with that added control comes a greater responsibility to make sure you take lots of time from your schedule to let your kiddo play with friends. If she does not get to come out much, then the girls will eventually stop inviting her, because she will not be 'up on the game' since often girls have running clubs or games for weeks on end. There were days that I had to stay up until 1am just to get the house straightened up, because I needed to be outside when one of the neighbor kids was out due to his behavior (his mom never came out of the house). This too shall pass, but enjoy it while it lasts.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I loved having all the kids come knocking when my kids were little. Try to find some balance. If you say no too much, they might not come at all.

Totally agree with this! We had annoying kids always ringing the bell and honestly, I don't like these kids, and mine were too young to be out alone, so if I couldn't go with them they did not go outside. I did a backyard event last year and the same annoying kids came, lol. But they go so bad I finally had to tell them to stop ringing the bell all the time! I raised my voice to one kid who screamed through the door, "I know you are in there"!!! He didn't come back for months. But they are coming back again. And the kids are older now so I don't mind them in the front yard without me for a little bit. My kids don't like these kids much b/c they are annoying.....

 

but that being said: a sign in a good idea except for kids who have no respect in the first place ;-)

 

perhaps tell all the girls when they are together you will put a sign on the door if she's home and available to play and perhaps warn them weekends aren't going to happen often and to check the sign.

 

good luck.

 

I didn't like it at first but now it's nice that kids come calling. There aren't many homeschooled kids my kids ages on the block. I am learning that it's ok to let mine experience some of these kids. my kids are finding they don't care for them except in little bits ;-)

[Bluecity24]

I'm a recovering don't-let-the-kids-out-of-my-sight-for-a-second mom, too. I get it.

 

How well do you know the other girls and their parents?

 

Can you set some well-defined boundaries--as in, she can play outside but only in your yard or up to a specified neighbor's house (where you can still see her?)

 

 

I have talked to one of the moms twice and she seems to be nice just a little too free with letting her daughter out by herself she's 9 yo and rides her bike all through the neighborhood. I've only been here a month but I haven't seen the other girls moms outside so I haven't talked with them yet. When I'm out I keep an eye on all of the girls because I wouldn't want to see anything happen to any of them. But the moms are never outside.

 

I cried for months every single time I thought about that little girl I still tear up thinking about it, when something like that happens at your backdoor basically you feel like you as a parent have let all of the kids in your neighborhood down, they have a person of interest in custody now a guy who lived down the block from the little girl. I just hope that they can get justice for that precious little girl.

 

What I don't get is how some people believe that they are immune to stuff like this happening in their "safe neighborhoods" you just never know.

 

I'm going to take your advice and talk to the moms and see if we can set it up where they take turns playing in each others yard that way one mom won't feel like the babysitter to the kids all the time.

[Parrothead]

It is not at all that I don't want my daughter to play with these girls I've taken her out Monday thru Saturday since we've been here. No all of the girls do not live in the same house but when they are outside playing they are all together one comes rings the doorbell while the rest stand behind. My neighborhood is not bad but really these days what area is 100% safe anymore. I don't want everyone here to think that i'm some sort of crazy mom that is trying to keep her daughter from playing outside with the neighboorhood kids so let me tell you why I don't let my daughter go out by herself. I live in Orange Park, Fl were a couple of months ago a little girl was taken on her way walking home from school and murdered she was with a group of kids and somehow got seperated so I do not feel safe at all letting my daughter go outside to play unsupervised. After something like that happens right around the corner from where you live I don't see how any mom around here could just let their kids run around unsupervised outside. I was already living in this area in an apartment and we decided to buy a house.

Okay I can understand your reasoning to an extent. Your original post was difficult to read, and I took it as you did not want your child playing with these kids because it was a bother for you to go outside and watch them.

[Bluecity24]

Totally agree with this! We had annoying kids always ringing the bell and honestly, I don't like these kids, and mine were too young to be out alone, so if I couldn't go with them they did not go outside. I did a backyard event last year and the same annoying kids came, lol. But they go so bad I finally had to tell them to stop ringing the bell all the time! I raised my voice to one kid who screamed through the door, "I know you are in there"!!! He didn't come back for months. But they are coming back again. And the kids are older now so I don't mind them in the front yard without me for a little bit. My kids don't like these kids much b/c they are annoying.....

 

but that being said: a sign in a good idea except for kids who have no respect in the first place ;-)

 

perhaps tell all the girls when they are together you will put a sign on the door if she's home and available to play and perhaps warn them weekends aren't going to happen often and to check the sign.

 

good luck.

 

I didn't like it at first but now it's nice that kids come calling. There aren't many homeschooled kids my kids ages on the block. I am learning that it's ok to let mine experience some of these kids. my kids are finding they don't care for them except in little bits ;-)

 

I didn't become annoyed until yesterday when they kept ringing and ringing the doorbell and I was constantly telling them she wasn't home and they were all right there when I would tell one she wasn't home and then another would come back 10 mins later.

[Old Dominion Heather]

You should read Free-Range Kids. You certainly don't have to make it your Bible, but reading it might help you to feel less fearful about your neighborhood. Your daughter is being asked into a group of seemingly nice little girls... what is bad about that?

 

You can't keep every horrible thing in the world from happening, but you can at least be realistic about the relative risks. Just knowing how minuscule those risks are will make you feel better, even if you decide to keep doing everything the same way, perhaps your level of anxiety will subside.

[Parrothead]

I have talked to one of the moms twice and she seems to be nice just a little too free with letting her daughter out by herself she's 9 yo and rides her bike all through the neighborhood.

 

 

 

What I don't get is how some people believe that they are immune to stuff like this happening in their "safe neighborhoods" you just never know.

 

 

A word of warning. Be careful of blanket statements which judge parenting choices for other parents - especially here.

 

Not all parents are helicopter parents, not all homeschooling parents are helicopter parents.

[mrs.m]

I have talked to one of the moms twice and she seems to be nice just a little too free with letting her daughter out by herself she's 9 yo and rides her bike all through the neighborhood.

......

What I don't get is how some people believe that they are immune to stuff like this happening in their "safe neighborhoods" you just never know.

 

I'm going to take your advice and talk to the moms and see if we can set it up where they take turns playing in each others yard that way one mom won't feel like the babysitter to the kids all the time.

 

You don't have a 9yo. And honestly when my DD was 6yo I couldn't even imagine letting her go off on her own even at a later age. But now she's 9 and that independence is very important. We use walkie talkies to keep in touch. We discuss that she is NEVER EVER to talk to strangers even if they are hurt.

 

Maybe I'm too loose, but I also feel like it is silly to bow down to fear of something that has a very small percentage chance of even happening. We live in a very safe neighborhood.

 

I think you are being a bit judgemental towards the other parents. I have neighbors like that and I really dislike that they think they are superiour parents. They drop comments all the time about how they could never let their kids play in their own yard without them being outside with them. whatever. :confused: I get it for a six year old but there's a point where you have to let go!

[Bluecity24]

Okay I can understand your reasoning to an extent. Your original post was difficult to read, and I took it as you did not want your child playing with these kids because it was a bother for you to go outside and watch them.

 

I'm sorry that you couldn't understand my original post I was very tired when I wrote that. My problem was that my daughter was not home yesterday and I told them this with all of the girls standing there and they kept coming back one after the other asking if she was home yet.

 

On that Saturday when we came home and they came into my garage my daughter hadn't even gotten out of the car yet, my engine was still running and they were yelling through the window asking if she could play. We said no because we had to take the bags in the house and my daughter had food that we had just bought for her to eat.

 

I took her out to play after she was done eating but before I let her go out they kept coming back asking if she was done eating.

[mrs.m]

I'm sorry that you couldn't understand my original post I was very tired when I wrote that. My problem was that my daughter was not home yesterday and I told them this with all of the girls standing there and they kept coming back one after the other asking if she was home yet.

 

On that Saturday when we came home and they came into my garage my daughter hadn't even gotten out of the car yet, my engine was still running and they were yelling through the window asking if she could play. We said no because we had to take the bags in the house and my daughter had food that we had just bought for her to eat.

 

I took her out to play after she was done eating but before I let her go out they kept coming back asking if she was done eating.

 

.

 

Firmly say to the group, "She canNOT play right now. I will send her out when she can play. Do NOT ring the bell and ask if she can come outside to play. If you do not do as I ask then she will not be coming out today."

 

The best way is to be firm and let them know what your expectations are. Children can't read minds!

[TravelingChris]

Are they all 6 years old or are some older? I would get to know the girls and let your girl play with them more. I think 6 is old enough to play outside without supervision within a limited area. The statistics for stranger abduction are very, very low particularly with groups of children. And I agree with others about putting up a red light/green light sign. Check the sex offender registry for your area and see if anyone is registered near you. Also, teach your girl safety rules like not going into other's houses without your permission.

[Bluecity24]

A word of warning. Be careful of blanket statements which judge parenting choices for other parents - especially here.

 

Not all parents are helicopter parents, not all homeschooling parents are helicopter parents.

 

 

 

I'm not trying to judge any body's parenting skills here the intent of my comment was that you never know what could happen even in a safe neighborhood. I didn't think that you would take it as a personal insult to your parenting skills and that's not what I was trying to do here.

 

If being a helicopter parent is what I am then so be it that's my personal choice as a mom I'll mother my child the way I want and you mother yours the way you want. I just wanted some advice into this situation not to turn this into a mom bashing segment.

[Parrothead]

.

 

Firmly say to the group, "She canNOT play right now. I will send her out when she can play. Do NOT ring the bell and ask if she can come outside to play. If you do not do as I ask then she will not be coming out today."

 

The best way is to be firm and let them know what your expectations are. Children can't read minds!

But that punishes the OP's child also.

 

I'd make a point to be finished or at least not busy the next time you know the girls are going to come around. When one rings the doorbell, answer ready to step out of the house and ask the little girl to show you her house. Go introduce yourself to this child's mom. In the course of the conversation let the other mom know how often your doorbell rings. Try to keep it light and friendly because you have to live "with" these people for a few years.

 

Then either go home and wait for the next child to ring the bell. Or let your new friend talk to the other moms.

 

You are killing several birds this way. You meet your neighbors, meet the moms of these kids, possibly make a new friend, and maybe your bell won't ring as much.

[mom2denj]

It is not at all that I don't want my daughter to play with these girls I've taken her out Monday thru Saturday since we've been here. No all of the girls do not live in the same house but when they are outside playing they are all together one comes rings the doorbell while the rest stand behind. My neighborhood is not bad but really these days what area is 100% safe anymore. I don't want everyone here to think that i'm some sort of crazy mom that is trying to keep her daughter from playing outside with the neighboorhood kids so let me tell you why I don't let my daughter go out by herself. I live in Orange Park, Fl were a couple of months ago a little girl was taken on her way walking home from school and murdered she was with a group of kids and somehow got seperated so I do not feel safe at all letting my daughter go outside to play unsupervised. After something like that happens right around the corner from where you live I don't see how any mom around here could just let their kids run around unsupervised outside. I was already living in this area in an apartment and we decided to buy a house.

 

Hello Bluecity24,

 

I am also in Orange Park. It has been a scary time for us moms here. They now may or may not have the killer, but at 6 yrs. old, I would not let my dd outside without my supervision!! You have to go with YOUR gut instincts! The kids in my neighborhood also run around unsupervised. It took a while, but they realized that mine were not going to be one of them. My kids are older now 13 & 16 and I promise they did not end up the lonely kids in the neighborhood. They had plenty of outside time and backyard time and in the house time with friends. I am going to pm you about something called 32 seconds that we are having at my church. This is a speaker that comes and talks about the fact that it takes 32 seconds for your child to be snatched. Good Luck!

[Halcyon]

You should read Free-Range Kids.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Bluecity24]

.

 

Firmly say to the group, "She canNOT play right now. I will send her out when she can play. Do NOT ring the bell and ask if she can come outside to play. If you do not do as I ask then she will not be coming out today."

 

The best way is to be firm and let them know what your expectations are. Children can't read minds!

 

Thanks, I will try that.:001_smile:

[mrs.m]

But that punishes the OP's child also.

 

 

 

It usually solves the problem though by making the consequences of their actions clear. It stopped happening at my house once I made the rules very clear. We will play when WE are ready. Ringing our doorbell many times is not going to change our time frame. And sometimes the choices of others in life lead to bad results on our end too. But I never had to keep my children inside after I made the expectation clear to the other children.

[Parrothead]

I'm not trying to judge any body's parenting skills here the intent of my comment was that you never know what could happen even in a safe neighborhood. I didn't think that you would take it as a personal insult to your parenting skills and that's not what I was trying to do here.

 

If being a helicopter parent is what I am then so be it that's my personal choice as a mom I'll mother my child the way I want and you mother yours the way you want. I just wanted some advice into this situation not to turn this into a mom bashing segment.

No, hon, I was not offended. I'm not a helicopter parent but I'm also not a free-ranger. But I've been with this group long enough to know that statements like that will guarantee at least one person taking offense. I've had my hat handed to me a time or two. But these ladies (and the gentlemen) are a lot of fun, informative and supportive. Whatever you do don't let this thread turn you away from the Hive. You'll find lots of help and encouragement here.

 

Oh, welcome to the Hive.

[Bluecity24]

Hello Bluecity24,

 

I am also in Orange Park. It has been a scary time for us moms here. They now may or may not have the killer, but at 6 yrs. old, I would not let my dd outside without my supervision!! You have to go with YOUR gut instincts! The kids in my neighborhood also run around unsupervised. It took a while, but they realized that mine were not going to be one of them. My kids are older now 13 & 16 and I promise they did not end up the lonely kids in the neighborhood. They had plenty of outside time and backyard time and in the house time with friends. I am going to pm you about something called 32 seconds that we are having at my church. This is a speaker that comes and talks about the fact that it takes 32 seconds for your child to be snatched. Good Luck!

 

Thank you so much for your post I was starting to feel like I was being too overprotective of my daughter and she was going to grow up lonely and none of the kids were going to like her because she can't come out to play all the time without us there watching her and I'm a helicopter mom.

 

You know what I'm going through and can sympathize with the situation. I'm quiet sure you just like me were glued to the TV everyday in the days after this praying that they found the person that did this to this little girl.

[Bluecity24]

Are they all 6 years old or are some older? I would get to know the girls and let your girl play with them more. I think 6 is old enough to play outside without supervision within a limited area. The statistics for stranger abduction are very, very low particularly with groups of children. And I agree with others about putting up a red light/green light sign. Check the sex offender registry for your area and see if anyone is registered near you. Also, teach your girl safety rules like not going into other's houses without your permission.

 

 

They are ages 4 to 9yo and until a couple of days ago this person that took this little girl was still wandering the streets this little girls mom told her all about stranger danger. I've taught my daughter as well. They have someone now that they believe may have had something to do with this and this guy lived down the block from them right in the same neighborhood.

 

I know that we all can't live our lives in fear of what may or may not happen. I know what the statistics say but it's only a statistics until it happens, we were put on this earth to protect our children and when it comes to my child or even someone else's child for that matter it's better to be safe then to be sorry. JMO

[JVA]

Run-on sentences.....Punctuation, PLEASE.....very difficult to READ.

[Denise in Florida]

Bluecity and Momtodenj; I am in OP also. Perhaps we know each other? I promise I'm not a stalker :lol:.

 

PM me if interested in talking further.

[Impish]

Friend of mine put a note up:

 

"(Child) will be out when child is allowed. Ringing doorbell guarantees that (child) will be GROUNDED for x amount of time.

 

Thank you for your cooperation in NOT ringing the bell.

 

-Management"

 

It worked for her. Suddenly, no incessant ringing of the doorbell, and yes, her kids still have tonnes of friends to play with ;)

 

She's also the mom that if the kids are doing chores, and a friend is standing in the house waiting for the kid, she hands the friend a sponge and puts them to work too :lol:

 

I love her style...

[Guest Katia]

Run-on sentences.....Punctuation, PLEASE.....very difficult to READ.

 

:iagree: I'm glad it's not just me. I tried very hard to read these posts, but it's almost impossible.

 

Sad thing is, I think I was very much like OP and had similar issues, but when you can't read the posts to get all the info, you can't help.

 

Punctuation. Capitalization. There is a reason they exist. Please, PLEASE utilize them!

[5forMe]

Hi Bluecity...I am new here too!

 

I want to recommend another book, actually two books. The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift, both by Gavin DeBecker. I was reluctant to read these at first, but felt empowered about trusting my instincts after I read them both. Protecting the Gift is about how we can teach our children what to do in scary situations. For instance, if lost in a store, tell your child to look for a mom with kids to ask for help.

 

I am a helicopter mom, I admit it. I don't think it is a bad thing. I heard about the story of the little girl walking home from school where you live and what happened to her. Stories like these are happening somewhere, everyday. I think it is normal for you to feel like you should supervise your child outside. I would definately check the sex offender registry list in your county.

 

You should give yourself some time to get used to the new neighborhood, you said you just moved in. I am willing to bet in 6 months time you will feel more comfortable with your surroundings and may feel differently about your situation.

 

Good luck!

 

Sorry for typos, typing one handed with a baby in my arms.

[Old Dominion Heather]

But can't you see that using this logic of "only a statistic," it is far, far, far more dangerous to put your child in a car than let her play outside?

 

A very good article:

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article4418620.ece

 

Live dangerously, it's safer

If we knew the true statistical odds of bad things befalling us, we'd stop living so fearfully, a new book claims

by Carol Midgley

 

Here's a question for all you anxious parents out there who are busy wrapping your children in cotton wool this summer the better to protect them from the predatory paedophiles inevitably lurking behind every leylandii hedge.

 

Let's just suppose, in some sick parallel universe, that you wanted your children to be abducted. Let's imagine that you'd had enough of them and decided that your cunning plan was to chuck them out of the house then sit back and wait for some passing kid-snatcher to run off with them. How long do you think you'd have to wait? Warwick Cairns will tell you. It would take 200,000 years, he says. And then you'd get them back within 24 hours. If you wanted them to be taken for longer you'd need to hang about for around 600,000 years. Because in any one year the average child stands a 0.0005 per cent chance of being abducted by a stranger and a 0.00016 chance of not being recovered alive within 24 hours. And yet, obviously, this is not how most people perceive the risk at all.

 

This perturbs Cairns, which is why he has written a new book How to Live Dangerously: Why We Should All Stop Worrying and Start Living. It is not only a prolonged, statistically-based plea to stop living in our beige world of risk-minimalisation where conkers and sack races are banned and where children are ferried everywhere in cars. It also concludes that if you really want to be safe, you ought to put yourself in more danger.

 

That's right. Cairns's book turns commonly held beliefs on their heads and presents them back to the reader so that they say something completely different. So, cycling without a helmet to work is actually safer than driving in a car, he asserts, in the face of British Medical Association figures that show that a cyclist is 11 times more likely to die on the roads than a person travelling by car.

 

How? Because though cyclists are more likely to die in road accidents than motorists, road accidents account for only 1.4 per cent of all deaths. Whereas heart and lung disease account for more than half of all deaths with heart disease killing a third of us. People who cycle 25 miles a week halve their risk of heart disease so more cyclists lives are extended by exercise than ended by accidents. Actuarial data reveals that for every year of life lost through cycling accidents, 20 are gained.

 

And cycling without a helmet increases your safety further, he argues, because cyclists who wear helmets tend to feel less vulnerable and thus take more risks. The same applies to drivers. Research shows that motorists, seeing cyclists “protected†by helmets, take less care when passing them: they drive on average 3.35in closer and come within 3ft 23 per cent more often. Indeed, in 1989 when it was made compulsory for children in the back seats of cars to wear seatbelts, the number of children killed and injured in crashes initially went up. Because people thought their kids were now properly protected they took less care and drove faster and more recklessly. There is no shortage, of course, of experts telling us that we are cushioning ourselves and our children too much from the lessons of life that actually protect us.

 

In his book Paranoid Parenting, the sociologist Professor Frank Furedi describes the culture of fear that has led parents to restrict their children's independent outdoor lives and remarks that in 1971 eight out of ten eight-year-olds were allowed to walk to school alone. Now it is fewer than one in ten. Last month his report Licensed to Hug suggested that adults are now afraid to interact with other people's children because they fear being labelled a paedophile. One quarter of the adult population will need criminal record checks under the new child-protection scheme coming into force next year. He says that the obsession with formal vetting will put children in more danger because no one will use their judgment any more. Cairns, 46, says that it was having children (he has two daughters aged 14 and 10) that first caused him to dwell on the increasing ways that we are raising them in “captivityâ€.

 

“People keep saying to me that they can't believe how different their childhoods were to the ones that kids growing up today have,†he says. The best example he has of the shift in parental protectiveness is this: “A man I know told his mum, when he was 8, that he wanted to go to Holland for the day with his friend. So she said ‘OK' and actually saw them off to the station with their ferry tickets and made tea for them when they got back that night.†Can you imagine what would happen if a child did that today? The parent would be arrested for child neglect for a start (and rightly). But the anecdote makes a good point about how our willingness to be outraged has changed. Compare it with what happened when Lenore Skenazy, a journalist in New York, wrote in times2 this year about letting her nine-year-old son make his own way home from Bloomingdales on the subway after he pleaded to be allowed to go home alone. Americans were in uproar and she was branded, absurdly, “America's worst momâ€. And yet, as Cairns says, we increasingly want to lock our children indoors where there are actually more hazards, not only from relatives (the majority of child killers are in the family), but from other dangers. Three children a day, for instance, are injured in the home from burns or smoke inhalation, and one dies every ten days. “So, they go out and very rarely indeed, one child of the 12 million [in this country] gets abducted,†he says. “Or they stay in where one child gets burnt to death every ten days.â€

 

His book though is not just about mollycoddling children, it is about the irrationality of many of our fears (you would have to fly on an aeroplane every day for 26,000 years to die in a crash - in the same period you'd have been killed 20 times driving to the airport, he says). Indeed in Freakonomics - the formula by which people will fret about, say, Sars, which will almost certainly never kill them, but be blasé about heart disease, which in one case in three will - is expressed thus: “Risk = hazard + outrageâ€. Which means even if a hazard is low, the amount of public outrage about it can make it appear high and vice versa.

 

“You cannot help worrying sometimes,†Cairns says. “When a child goes missing and it's in your face five or six times a day on the news, it is going to have an effect. But I just want to say, ‘look it's not so bad'.†Besides, people need risk in life, he adds. Indeed studies have shown that if children's playgrounds are made too safe and too soft children will go off and find something more dangerous,. They need a challenge. He cites the example of a Norwegian headmaster, Asbjorn Flemmen, who recently designed an edgy adventure playground which would never have passed health and safety laws here. It included a “jungle†area left to go wild where children could hide among potentially hazardous hut-building materials. What happened was that after a while the number of children being injured on the site fell dramatically. “The children, through experiencing danger, and after seeing what happened to people who didn't take enough care, soon came to appreciate their own limitations,†he says.

 

There are things that Cairns does worry about, such as when his daughters are older and start going out with young lads in cars because the risks there are very real. And he would never in a million years start smoking, considering this an infinitely riskier pastime than his two favourite hobbies skateboarding and downhill mountain biking. “I do it for physical exhilaration,†he says. “I have broken a few bones and been knocked out. But if you confront risk and go in with your eyes open, very often you're safer.â€

[Bluecity24]

Hi Bluecity...I am new here too!

 

I want to recommend another book, actually two books. The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift, both by Gavin DeBecker. I was reluctant to read these at first, but felt empowered about trusting my instincts after I read them both. Protecting the Gift is about how we can teach our children what to do in scary situations. For instance, if lost in a store, tell your child to look for a mom with kids to ask for help.

 

I am a helicopter mom, I admit it. I don't think it is a bad thing. I heard about the story of the little girl walking home from school where you live and what happened to her. Stories like these are happening somewhere, everyday. I think it is normal for you to feel like you should supervise your child outside. I would definately check the sex offender registry list in your county.

 

You should give yourself some time to get used to the new neighborhood, you said you just moved in. I am willing to bet in 6 months time you will feel more comfortable with your surroundings and may feel differently about your situation.

 

Good luck!

 

Sorry for typos, typing one handed with a baby in my arms.

 

Hey, we should start a helicopter mom's online support group it would be nice to have a bunch of supportive like minded people to talk to.

[Joanne]

Do you want advice on boundaries only?

 

Or are you open to seeing the play in the neighborhood situation differently?

[Bluecity24]

Do you want advice on boundaries only?

 

Or are you open to seeing the play in the neighborhood situation differently?

 

 

I'll take your opinion on both.

[littlebug42]

We haven't had the problem like you do but my children do not play with the neighborhood children and they won't unsupervised. They play outside in our back yard, together, but we don't have anyone beating our door down either. As a child, I was more of a free range kid and from my experience, that time was never good. I may be a "helicopter" Mom but don't really care what others think of me. My responsibility is to do what I feel is best for my children and let others judge all they want.

 

The other children will likely persist so some sort of firm boundary is necessary and they will get the message eventually.

[Joanne]

I'll take your opinion on both.

 

For boundaries, I agree with the sign and a firm "absolutely no more coming to the door and ringing the bell after an answer. The next step will be talking to your parents." Regardless of your stand on playing minimally supervised, the girls are being rude. But kids don't know they are rude until they are told.

 

For another perspective, I suggest you look at "stranger danger" info and the actual risks involved more carefully. I'm not sure what you've taught your dd, but the "stay away from strangers" approach is actually more dangerous and confusing to them.

 

I personallly allowed my school aged kids to play outside within voice range in both neighbhorhoods I've lived with kids. I do believe there is such a thing as "too protective".

[hweakland]

When we were living in a neighborhood in FL we had a similar problem. I came to the conclusion that our house was where all the kids felt safe. Often, the kids were left home alone or their parents were involved in their own things and told the kids to go outside so they could do whatever "it" was.

 

I came to this conclusion after point blank asking the various children why they liked our house so much. They told me it was because I was there! I didn't do much except just supervise and eventually help several older kids with homework. Anyway, once I saw the opprotunity to minister to these kids it became less of a burden.

 

However, we did have a few older kids (10-12) whom we did not allow our kids to play with. We managed this by simply telling those kids "No", after a while they stopped asking. It may sound hard hearted but I had my own children to consider and we these particluar children were found to be stealing. We went to their parents (a very difficult thing to do!) and besides denial we got nothing.

 

In the end we lived in that neighborhood for 2 years before we moved to rural TN and it has been nice to focus on my kids alone but I do miss those kids :).

 

BTW during the week (all year long) the kids all knew that our kids would only be allowed to play after 4pm. I simply told them this from the get go and after a while they remembered. The stop sign thing sounds good too. Visual reminders are always good.

 

Blessings,

Hope

[happyWImom]

I am soooo glad we live out in the middle of no where with no neighbors-except my parents!

 

Is it nice for kids to play with other kids? Yes. But, it sounds like the whole "socialization" debate here-almost. Where is it written that kids need to be playing outside with other kids 7 days a week? One of the reasons I'm hsing is because I (and dh) want to be my dc's biggest influences, not a bunch of other same age dc who I don't even know, don't know the parents values, etc... Do I isolate my dc from other dc, especially non-hsers? No. But do I say "Just go out and do whatever until dinner." No.

 

My dc go outside almost every day, and they love nature, fresh air and exploring. I'm glad they do, and I think it's important. But, they are always where I can see them from my windows. If I lived in an area in town, I wouldn't let them go out of our yard unless one of us was with them. That's just me. But, I don't judge anyone who does anything different.

 

Okay, there's my 2 cents.:001_smile:

[LibraryLover]

Thank you! lol I was kidding around, but really, I am getting on in years and probably need to change my lenses. lol You got some great advice. I hope it works for you. Nothing is ever easy.

[Bluecity24]

For boundaries, I agree with the sign and a firm "absolutely no more coming to the door and ringing the bell after an answer. The next step will be talking to your parents." Regardless of your stand on playing minimally supervised, the girls are being rude. But kids don't know they are rude until they are told.

 

For another perspective, I suggest you look at "stranger danger" info and the actual risks involved more carefully. I'm not sure what you've taught your dd, but the "stay away from strangers" approach is actually more dangerous and confusing to them.

 

I personallly allowed my school aged kids to play outside within voice range in both neighbhorhoods I've lived with kids. I do believe there is such a thing as "too protective".

 

 

I believe there is a such thing as too protective also. I don't think though that I am being too protective for the simple fact that i just sit outside and watch her while she's playing. My mother was the same way with us and there was 5 of us we all still have childhood friends (20 years later) and are very social. It's not like I'm following her around or playing with her and her friends she has free range to run up and down the street within sight and play with her friends.

 

My issue which you addressed was mainly the rudeness and I understand that I need to set some boundaries for times etc. for her to play outside. I just wanted some advice on how to approach the situation since we just moved to this neighborhood because I didn't want to come off as the mean mom.

 

The next time that this happens I will take your advice and let them know that if we say she's not home or she can't come out right now that they can't keep coming back and ringing the doorbell over and over again.

[Impish]

Personally, one of the myriad of reasons we're looking forward to buying an acreage home is to be able to say to the kids, "Here's your compass, your backpack, be home by 5 pm" and send them out exploring. Yes, the backpack would contain water, food, first aid kit and walkie talkie. And yes, Wolf would spend several weekends teaching them orienteering, and I teaching them first aid.

 

An afternoon spent on their own, exploring sounds like a wonderful thing to us. Especially when they needn't worry about bullies, traffic etc. Yes, they could get hurt. That's where the orienteering, first aid kit and walkie talkies come in.

 

I hope with all my heart they build a secret fort or tree house, and have a blast. :D

[sagira]

I agree with both Protecting the Gift and Free Range Kids.

 

That said, I do need to get my kids out more, as lately it's been too "cold" for them - and me (50s LOL, we're South Florida wimps!). We have a small group of moms and kids we hang out with once a week. Ds has Cub Scouts too. I find that enough right now. He has his sister he hangs out with too, and he loves playing with her. She's two and a half.

 

Aaahh.. I agree with the PP.. acreage.. I would love for the kids to have a bigger backyard.