Wisdom needed...

[KinderSafari]

I've been homeschooling for 10 years and love it (although there are days.....) My husband has "tolerated" it - he hates to stand out, and thinks schools are just fine. I guess I should add that I'm pretty sure he has Asperger's (academically intelligent, but socially clueless) and is a perfectionist - highly critical.

 

He resigned 2 1/2 years ago from a job he hated and hasn't been able to find anything else he wants to do. He's taken occasional jobs here and there, but doesn't want to go back to school, doesn't want to move, and doesn't know what to do.

 

I finally took a temp job to help out, that turned into a 2 year temp job (will be over this summer) and I work 30 to 40 hours a week from home plus homeschooling, etc. He has stepped in somewhat and does an excellent job with certain subjects but has little tolerance for kids normal life - it stresses him out. He expects them to act like miniature adults.

 

He wants to send the kids to school so I can work.

 

The FIRST thing I want to do in life is be a full-time (or even most-time) mom to my kids. He doesn't get it and is mad I say I prefer not to work, but am only doing so right now so he can "figure out what he wants to do in life".

 

I'm a little tired of waiting for 2 1/2 years and he still hasn't figured it out.

 

HERE'S WHERE YOUR WISDOM IS NEEDED!

 

Do I be the obedient wife and send them to school so I can work and he can continue to think?

 

I am tired of fighting. The benefits we've had so far have been HUGE, but my dh's perspective is - they've done fine - now can they be allowed to go to school like normal kids?

 

My arguments are endless and continously hit brick walls -

 

I would be soooooo incredibly depressed and resentful if this is what the final decision was.

 

If he wanted to send them to school because he thought they would learn more, or for some other reason - I would be more understanding. But because he wants me to work? I just get so angry!

 

:(

 

Thanks for any feedback!

[TravelingChris]

Have you taken him to a doctor to rule out depression? If his apathy is a new thing, I think he may have it.

[ChristusG]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. :sad: I believe that the man should provide for the family in any way that he can. If he has to work at a fast food joint while "thinking", then so be it. I'm like you....I want to be a full time mom to my kids while they are living at home. I'm not sure what I would do if my husband didn't agree with homeschooling though. Can you sit down and maybe make a list and show him all the reasons that homeschooling is important to you. And maybe all the reasons why you do not want to send them to school?

[KinderSafari]

We have talked for years about all the great reasons for homeschooling (the reasons just fall out of his head, and he doesn't see any real difference and thinks the kids would be the same if they went anywhere).

 

He has been taking some medicine to help, and his stress is much better, but still he is stressed. Really, unfortunately the best thing would probably be if he lived all by himself and had never gotten married or had kids. Life is really, really hard for him. And with five normal kids thrown in the mix, I understand how hard it is, but it still frustrates me that we (in my mind) should sacrifice the kids long-term benefits for his short-sighted immediate personal stress. (Which again, is only stressful because it's him. It would be your average normal life for anyone else.)

 

It's also really a matter of perspective. He doesn't see that he should be the leader or provider of the family and gets frustrated when I ask him how he's doing on his job thinking or ask if there's anything I can do to help. It really needs to come from HIM (or some outside source that gets him) to decide to lead our family or go outside his comfort zone to be the main provider for our family.

 

I get so tired of waiting for a lightning bolt of realization to hit him.

 

Or am I the one that needs to be hit with something?

 

What is my role in all this?

[EthiopianFood]

I think you are the only one who can know what is best for your family, since you know your own values and you will have to live with your decisions. Other people can only give opinions, and you have to decide if they work for you. With that said, my opinion is that homeschooling isn't the issue here. I think the core issue is that your husband is expecting everyone in the family to adjust to his desires, and so far, it has been working for him. From my perspective, it appears that he wants the kids to go to public school so he can sit at home all day alone, to do whatever it is he likes to do. I think this is related to why he doesn't want to get a job. Ultimately, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you can choose not to enable him. Honestly, what reason does he have to change his behavior if everyone accomodates him? Technically, yes, his opinion on schooling should matter! In this situation, I don't think it is that simple. I think you just have to decide what you can live with. Just from your one post, it sounds to me like you are going to do this by yourself emotionally either way, so you might as well pick what YOU want. I don't think giving in is going to make your marriage any better, it will just ease the surface tension. OTOH, this decision will very much affect your relationship with your children and your role as a mother, for good or bad. I know others will disagree, and I sincerely hope you are able to figure out what is right for you. I understand some of the issues you described, and they are very, very difficult things to live with. :grouphug:

[KinderSafari]

I have battling this decision for a long time (years), because it is hard for me to not be a team with my husband in all this.

 

I think your words really hit the nail on the head when you said I am in this emotionally by myself probably anyway and should choose to do what I want to do. And that the decision would only easy the surface tension. (For him, that is.)

 

For me, it would break my heart. In church today I kept nearly breaking into tears thinking of sending them to school. Then having me work from home in an "empty" house. :(

 

I hate being the strong one. I know God is in this too, but it would be so helpful to have another teammate in the house on my team as well.

[Parrothead]

Get him back to the doctor or to another doctor.

 

I'd bet anything he is suffering from depression. He can't cope with the stress because it is overwhelming an already overwhelmed system.

[Ruthie]

I think you are the only one who can know what is best for your family, since you know your own values and you will have to live with your decisions. Other people can only give opinions, and you have to decide if they work for you. With that said, my opinion is that homeschooling isn't the issue here. I think the core issue is that your husband is expecting everyone in the family to adjust to his desires, and so far, it has been working for him. From my perspective, it appears that he wants the kids to go to public school so he can sit at home all day alone, to do whatever it is he likes to do. I think this is related to why he doesn't want to get a job. Ultimately, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you can choose not to enable him. Honestly, what reason does he have to change his behavior if everyone accomodates him? Technically, yes, his opinion on schooling should matter! In this situation, I don't think it is that simple. I think you just have to decide what you can live with. Just from your one post, it sounds to me like you are going to do this by yourself emotionally either way, so you might as well pick what YOU want. I don't think giving in is going to make your marriage any better, it will just ease the surface tension. OTOH, this decision will very much affect your relationship with your children and your role as a mother, for good or bad. I know others will disagree, and I sincerely hope you are able to figure out what is right for you. I understand some of the issues you described, and they are very, very difficult things to live with. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:I agree with this poster. Do not enable him. Since you are "leading" the family, do what is best for your family. Let your husband figure it out in the midst of the activity of your family. Your children are fortunate to have you and your strength.:grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I have no real wisdom here, but I wanted you to know I sympathize. I worked for many years while dh went to school and decided what he wanted to do for the rest of his life, and he also didn't see why I wouldn't just take care of him forever. He really wanted to be a child and have me be the adult. I would never have married him if I had known how much his childhood had damaged him. But he got a good job and became addicted to it, so all worked out. I really hope some peace can be made!

[Sonshine]

I had to go through some hard times before I came to the conclusion that the Bible does not mean for us to obey our husbands even to the point of going against wisdom. I discussed this with my pastor (of a conservative, evangelical church) and he agreed. Sometimes that obedience thing is used to allow a man to continue in some childish ways to the detriment of the very people he is supposed to be serving as the head of the house. Since it seems as if you are the one with the mature viewpoint and insights I would do what you think is best.

[KinderSafari]

Wow, you guys are awesome! There is a lot of wisdom here! Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my personal struggles and encourage and strengthen me!

 

What a great network of support!!

 

:)

[MelanieM]

I think you've gotten some wise words of advice here! I would like to add the suggestion to focus on what you do want as often as you can, and trust that it is possible for you to have it. Imagine how you would like things to be with your husband and in your family, and then focus on any evidence you see that suggests things are moving in that direction. Spend some time every day appreciating what is working, and try (as best you can) not to worry about things that seem to be going where you don't want them to go. Then let go and let God. He creates miracles every day, and there's no reason you can't have yours. <hugs>

[DawnL]

Your dh sounds like my dad. My dad is bipolar, and it's just gotten worse as he has aged. My dad is either really stressed/anxious, which is the "high" of his bipolar, or really depressed, which is his "low". There is no happy medium for my dad.

 

It's gotten so bad that my dad rarely leaves his house. He is set in his ways, and anything that deviates from his routine really stresses him out. To the point of needing to medicate for it. When the one grocery store that he goes to built a newer model a few blocks away and closed the one he went to, it really stressed him out.

 

He lost his job when the mill closed, and he couldn't go on any interviews. He honestly tried for a long time, but eventually it was too much. He is now on permanent disability.

 

Now, I'm not saying your dh is the same as my dad. It sounds like your dh may have some depression, but it may not be anything more than that. In any case, he should probably see a Dr about it. And, if he's anything like my dad, he may be very resistant to that.

 

In the meantime, I agree with the others, in that you are currently the head of your family. It sucks that it is "by default". Since you are the only "adult" in the picture right now, you need to make the decisions.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. You may even want to consider seeing a counselor, at least once or twice, to get everything together in your head. You have enough stress going on right now!

[Harriet Vane]

This sounds hard, and I am sorry for the stress you live with.

 

I feel the limitations of internet posting on this one.

 

Some basics that I would advise in any case:

 

--Get him a thorough medical evaluation.

 

--Get therapy. You don't want a feelings-oriented talk therapist for this one. You want someone with real experience dealing with mental illness--if you suspect Asperger's then you need someone who understands that dynamic.

 

--Is there a way to require your husband to work ANY job while he's thinking? Because I can assure you that I would feel absolutely enraged at having to work and homeschool for years while the husband thinks about what he wants to do next. If embracing a whole new career is too overwhelming for him, he needs to at least generate income. The longer he is out of the job market the less marketable he is. Can he work at a bookstore or something?

[Peela]

I think you are the only one who can know what is best for your family, since you know your own values and you will have to live with your decisions. Other people can only give opinions, and you have to decide if they work for you. With that said, my opinion is that homeschooling isn't the issue here. I think the core issue is that your husband is expecting everyone in the family to adjust to his desires, and so far, it has been working for him. From my perspective, it appears that he wants the kids to go to public school so he can sit at home all day alone, to do whatever it is he likes to do. I think this is related to why he doesn't want to get a job. Ultimately, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you can choose not to enable him. Honestly, what reason does he have to change his behavior if everyone accomodates him? Technically, yes, his opinion on schooling should matter! In this situation, I don't think it is that simple. I think you just have to decide what you can live with. Just from your one post, it sounds to me like you are going to do this by yourself emotionally either way, so you might as well pick what YOU want. I don't think giving in is going to make your marriage any better, it will just ease the surface tension. OTOH, this decision will very much affect your relationship with your children and your role as a mother, for good or bad. I know others will disagree, and I sincerely hope you are able to figure out what is right for you. I understand some of the issues you described, and they are very, very difficult things to live with. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

I think you are the one that has to live with your decisions and how you are to mother your children. Do what you need to do so that you dont have regrets.

Many, many times I have had to stand my ground against my husband's wishes - long term breastfeeding, homeschooling, having friends, doing retreats....and in the end, every time it was important to me and I stood my ground...I am glad I did and it has worked, and he has grown from the experience. He didn't like it, at first...then he accepted it...then he acted like it was virtually his decision and woudl rave to friends about it :) Sometimes you are being the noble one, even if it is against dh's current opinion...you are the one that takes the marriage forward. Dont wait for someone else to grow and change...you may be the catalyst for that change by doing what you know is right for you, even if your partner doesn't yet know it is the right thing.

[justamouse]

:grouphug: I'm another one that agrees with what Raeann said.

[WishboneDawn]

For me, it would break my heart. In church today I kept nearly breaking into tears thinking of sending them to school. Then having me work from home in an "empty" house. :(

 

A few thoughts. Homeschooling is wonderful but it shouldn't happen at the cost of your emotional health and your family's health. It won't do the kids a lot of good if you're sacrificing yourself to do it. Afterall, you're their role model for how to conduct themselves as an adult or the kind of woman they may marry.

 

Of course, they shouldn't be sent back just to make your husband's life at home easier if he's not doing everything it take to get himself back into the role his family needs.

 

What about a trial time? Maybe one year or six months but only if your husband puts the work he needs to (doctors, courses, whatever) to get back into a job he enjoys?

[ConnieB]

 

 

I would be soooooo incredibly depressed and resentful if this is what the final decision was.

 

 

 

This sentence in your original post says it all to me. This does not bode well for you personally, for your marriage or your family. A resentful mom/wife is not pleasant to be, or be around.

 

While I do believe that BOTH parents should be willing to sacrifice their personal wants/needs for the better of the children and the family as a whole, it isn't fair for one to do it all alone. And that seems to be what is happening in your situation. Your husband doesn't want to work, but he also doesn't want to take over the household/children responsibilities so that you can work.

 

It might be different if your DH was enjoying his time home.....after years/decades of taking on the burden of supporting the family, I wouldn't think it unfair for him to think you should shoulder a little of that....IF, and it's a great big IF....he were then willing to take over YOUR duties at home. And if your kids have been homeschooled all this time then that is part of the bargain. That would be like you deciding that he should go back to work, the kids should go to school so that you could have peace and quiet in the house to eat your bon bons and watch your soaps. I'm sure none of us would feel that was fair (maybe a great fantasy, but not fair). The choice to not work and not have the kids around simply isn't an option.

 

If the kids were to go back to school would that motivate him to go back to work....or is his real motivation for them to be in school so that he has the bonbon/soap opera time (or whatever it is he does with his day of course). OR......Is it likely that the Aspergers caused him to quit those years ago, and its influence is what is making him unable to return? If so, then treatment for that might be a priority.

 

I think 2 1/2 years to decide what a parent wants to do with their life is way too long. Might be fine for a single guy, or even a newly married person, but he has a family, and needs to do what is necessary for them over his own needs. Again, though, this would be rather typical behavior for Aspergers. But as a parent, he needs to seek help whether he likes it or not.

 

I personally would recommend that you and he get some marriage counseling, because your line above sounds like if things continue the way they are that your marriage will be in serious trouble, if it isn't already. The double help will be that a marriage counselor will likely be able to see if there are signs of depression or other medical needs in your DH and hopefully convince him to seek more help. If he is truly Aspergers there is medication that can help him with that as well...not a cure all of course, but perhaps if it can tone down some of the anxiety he feels it would make returning to work easier for him. And frankly, it sounds like he'd be happier away from the children for the better part of the day.....perhaps finding a job where he is rather autonomous and not having to deal with others any more than necessary would be the relief he needs. A job counselor might be able to help narrow down some of the types of jobs where he could use his skills/knowledge but limit his personal interactions.

 

:grouphug: None of this is going to be easy on you, of course, but I hope that you are able to resolve this so that you do not end up resenting everything, and so that whatever is truly best for your family can happen.

[kathkath]

This sounds to me more like a marriage issue than a homeschooling issue. Doing what your dh wants (or doing what you want) will not solve the deeper marriage issue and it will probably surface in some other way down the road, regardless of where the kids are schooled. I would suggest looking into ways to bring you 2 together to meet each others' needs first and then I imagine that will help you 2 come to agreement regarding what is best for your family as a whole.

 

Dh and I recently took a marriage class that was fabulous and really helped us to look at meeting each others' needs more. I bet this structured class will be more helpful for your dh's personality. http://www.familydynamics.net/dynamicmarriage.php

[at the beach]

:grouphug: He sounds depressed. And dare I say it? Somewhat selfish. I have seen many women in relationships with selfish men. Men who expect their wives to carry on in ways that are not really beneficial to the children in the family or to the women themselves. They do not want to be the sole provider. They don't like it. Now, if your husband could take over homeschooling and do that well even if it means using simpler curricula or whatever, then that would be something to think about...and you did say he's done well in some regards with that.

 

My dad, God bless him, is one of these guys. My mom worked like crazy in their business (a business he wanted, she didn't), held everything together for years, spent very little time with us, and died of lung cancer at 73 (never smoked but worked in the business, which was filled with smoke). She loved us dearly and she tried to keep it all together for our sake. She picked up the slack, paid the bills, managed everything and took care of my dad, who often behaved very childishly. I cannot recall one time that she took us to the beach and just sat in the sand and watched us play. And we lived within walking distance of the shore. :( I am so sad and sorry that she never stood up for herself and her kids to him because the choices he made for her were neither in her interest nor her children's but rather his.

 

And I am totally not saying that your situation is in any way like my mom's or your husband is in any way like my dad, just trying to point out that it's not always the right thing to follow along what the man/husband wants.

 

I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. :grouphug:

Edited February 1, 2010 by Violet

[lllll]

The conclusion I often have to come to in tough situations involving my own dh is this: sometimes he just goes down paths that I cannot go down. No matter how much I'd LIKE to follow him down this or that path (I'm not a natural leader.) ....... I. Just. Can't. Do. It.

 

Which is not to say I don't think you should encourage him in whatever he needs to do to pull out of whatever pit he seems to have dug for himself and jumped into. It's only to say, don't jump in there with him. You're the one thinking rationally now. Not him. Trust that knowledge. And, of course, keep on praying.

 

:grouphug:

[Melinda in VT]

I can understand your frustration. I'd be frustrated too.

 

But I'm also wondering how someone who doesn't handle the stress of kids well ended up with five kids. Was that a mutual decision?

 

Like a PP, I'm aware that we can't know the whole picture over the Internet. Is he just selfish? Or is he actually overwhelmed, whether you think he should be or not?

 

I think parents should sacrifice for their kids. But being asked to sacrifice your mental health is too much.

[Jen500]

 

I'm a little tired of waiting for 2 1/2 years and he still hasn't figured it out.

 

 

 

I would assume that after 2 1/2 years not much is going to change. I'd just do what YOU need to do assuming that he's not going to change. :grouphug:

[dangermom]

To be blunt, you are the acting head of the household, despite how much you might like for it to be otherwise. You're supporting the family, you're running the family and raising the children--if he is not contributing, why does he get a vote in how the family runs? I would have to say that if he isn't doing anything to help the family, he doesn't get to a voice in family decisions.

[Mrs Mungo]

Get him back to the doctor or to another doctor.

 

I'd bet anything he is suffering from depression. He can't cope with the stress because it is overwhelming an already overwhelmed system.

 

:iagree: He needs to see a doctor for possible depression. I also agree that marriage counseling would probably be helpful. I think anything else I'd say would be heading into the spouse bashing realm.

[KinderSafari]

Excellent points people! Thank you again! I've just had a bunch of feelings and don't always know how to express them - what you're all sharing expresses how I feel very well! My words just come out a lot like this....argggghhh! (Never very helpful. :) )

 

This will be a thread I will continue to come back to to re-read for encouragement and to help me find the right words to say!

 

It's not that I'm all against sending the kids to school either, I've always taken it year by year and assessed each one for where they were at, their own learning abilities, progress, etc.

 

Thanks to your encouragement, I did tell my husband that I don't think sending them to school because he wants me to work is a fair option and I nearly fell on the ground in surprise when he agreed with that point, although that was the end of the conversation. So it's not like he's "seen the light" :) But he sees that particular argument won't be accepted any more.

 

It doesn't solve any long-term problems, and the issue may come up again tomorrow and next week and next month, but at least with all your wisdom - I feel better prepared in what I can say! :) It's always hard to explain things when they just seem like common sense, so this helps a lot!

 

We've tried minimal counseling in the past, that may be on the agenda to push for again soon. He really could benefit from someone else (a third party) helping him to hold himself accountable.

 

The hard thing is that he only sees today and is a terrible problem-solver. Today's frustrations, today's problems. My prayers for years has been that he could get an overall perspective on LIFE, and see how the little things we do, the little reactions we have, are what make the big impact. I really feel bad for him (when I'm not so frustrated :) ) life doesn't have to be so hard.

Edited February 1, 2010 by KinderSafari

[Rosie_0801]

What about a trial time? Maybe one year or six months but only if your husband puts the work he needs to (doctors, courses, whatever) to get back into a job he enjoys?

 

Sounds like there has been a two and a half year trial already. If someone isn't going to get their act together in that time, providing the opportunity for them to do even less isn't going to help at all.

 

:grouphug: to the OP, and no, I wouldn't put your and your children's needs aside to allow a grown man to be more comfortable in his self indulgence. Everyone has to work, whether that is in or out of the home. If he isn't going to work outside the home, then he needs to be the house hubby and homeschooling dad, and do as good a job as you have. In my opinion, that would be a compromise on your part, but if he won't do that, then no way should you toss it all in to work to support him.

 

Rosie