I cannot believe this is happening...need advice again...(long)

[sahm99]

I posted about 10 days ago on the K-8 board.

I described the difficult year that we went through and the extend to which we are all worn out. Your thoughts and advice encouraged me to slow down in our schooling, and focus on family-time...at least for a couple of weeks.

 

Unfortunately, the peace that came with this decision did not last.

Between last Wednesday and Friday, my dh was diagnosed with prostate-cancer. Everything went so fast, I am still speechless and numb. He is just 49...our baby just 4 months!

 

I feel like crawling into a hole...just "sitting it out"...waiting for it to pass...

And I know, I cannot do this. Dh seems resigned. So, un-interested, like this was not worth thinking about... I literally need to force him to even talk about it!

He is supposed to be operated in three weeks already! These coming days will be full of exams, to do a full "extension study"...

I am overwhelmed. I don't want to leave anything out, don't want to forget anything, want to do the right things. I feel so lonely fighting.

 

I know, we will get over this, too. We will make it one more time. I just wished we had not to go through it. Not now. I could scream thinking about it. It feels so "un-just".

 

...I am sorry for my rambling...

I just told my parents, no IRL-friends. Dh does not want to...not yet.

Coming here, once more again, is a relieve...

 

I would like to hear your advice about how I should handle this illness towards our children.

They went through much with my illness last year...and they know quite a few people who died of cancer. I can absolutely not imagine to pronounce the word "cancer" in front of them - ever! But what should we say? And when?

For the time being they have no idea...apart of me being in front of the internet all day...and speaking with daddy and on the phone behind closed doors (both not very common in "normal times").

Dh will be in the hospital for about 10 days after his operation - and come back with a huge scar. Recovery will take about 4 weeks. If we are lucky (and we will be!!!!!) this will be it...

 

Thank you again for your help!

[SonshineLearner]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry for your family during this time of being scared and worried and sad... and all the other emotions that come with tragedy and the hope that is at the end of the tunnel.... if ya can just get there.

 

For our family, God would come into the conversations, I'm not sure about yours. It's just an "unfair" feeling thought.... I think that talking about it with hope is what we'd try. Let us know how it goes.... the talk... the surgery....

 

I'm so sorry...

:grouphug:

[Rhondabee]

:grouphug:

 

I have a very hard time saying, "Oh, I'd do *this* in your circumstances." How could I possibly know?

 

That said, if possible, I would focus on basic academics (math, grammar and writing) for the 5th grader, and cuddle up on the couch with some read-alouds and hot cocoa.

 

Praying for you all!

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Lynette :grouphug: Isn't it nice to have a place to vent?

 

My grandfather had prostrate cancer back in the 1960's and survived. Thankfully, there have been advances in medicine since then. Even so I'm sure it would rock my world too to hear that my DH was facing such a serious disease as cancer.

 

Let your children know something. Sensing that your parents are upset yet not knowing why can cause them to imagine horrible, scary things.

 

I think more hugs are in order. :grouphug:

[Impish]

:grouphug:

[hmschoolmom22]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:all I know to do is hug you and tell you how sorry I am!!

[G5052]

We've been through seven years of almost constant medical crises with my DH including several near-fatal events, and it's a BIG strain on a family.

 

I'm not one who has let up on the academics much at all, but primarily because I realized two years into that this was going to be a constant, year-round thing, not just a single crises. There never is a break in the issues and time involved for me. We took him to a specialist several hours away last week for a two-hour appointment, will see one this week that it about that long, and then have to make a decision on surgery that is risky. We homeschooled five days last week, and should get in four days this week.

 

I would recommend that you step back and work through several options. As you probably know, this sort of cancer has a good cure rate, but nothing is 100%. My DH is dealing with pain/neurological issues, not cancer, but always seems like he's in the 2% in terms of complications, side effects, etc.

 

And every couple is different. I'm very much a take-charge and push ahead type, and so that's been our mode for a long time. My kids also do better when they have a routine and are busy with academics even if Daddy is very sick. You may do better backing off on homeschooling and do just the basics for a time as this unfolds.

 

And don't be afraid of getting help on how to handle this as a family. Most hospitals include counselling with social workers/pschologists along with the treatment, and it can be very helpful in terms of how to talk to your children, how to deal with the possibility of death, etc.

[Corraleno]

Prostate cancer is one of the most curable cancers, the 5 yr survival rate is almost 100% and even the long-term survival rate is very very high. That said, I know that just hearing the word "cancer" can seem to make the world stop. Many people in my family have been touched by cancer, and I can well imagine the level of adrenalin that must be coursing through your veins right now.

 

If it were me, I would forget about formal schooling right now. Do lots of read-alouds, discussions, watch documentaries about history or science. Do NOT stress about planning or schedules or trying to keep your schooling "on track." You do not need any additional sources of stress in your life right now! Focus on doing things that help your family feel comfortable and safe and as relaxed as they can be under the circumstances.

 

I also wouldn't use the word cancer with the kids, especially if their experience is that cancer = death. They don't need that trauma. I'd just say that daddy has a medical problem and he needs to go to the hospital to have it fixed. I'd emphasize that this is a pretty common problem, which is easily corrected with surgery, although it can take a lot of time for daddy to recover. If your older child asks for specifics, you could say that a small organ inside his abdomen as some damaged cells in it, which need to be removed so they won't cause any problems in the future.

 

I have lost several members of my family to cancer, and have had two serious scares myself, so I know how you feel. You need to take care of yourself ~ go for walks with your kids, take long hot baths by yourself, give yourself permission to just go into survival mode and forget about nonessentials. If you have at least one or two people (your mom? a close friend?) who know what your family are going through and can provide a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, that will help, too.

 

This too shall pass.....

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Jackie

Edited January 17, 2010 by Corraleno

[MamaT]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. My bil had surgery for prostrate cancer 2 years ago. Thankfully, the surgery was a success and he is doing fine now.

 

Good luck with your talk with your children. My bf IRL just went through this with her dh (colon cancer) and had to sit down and tell her 10 children (18 mos. to 22yo). She came from a stance of faith and talked to them very openly about it. She was available to listen to/talk about their questions and fears. His surgery was also a success and his is recovering well.

 

:grouphug: and prayers.

[coffeegal]

:grouphug:

[Caribbean Queen]

I will just tell you what my parents did when I was a girl.

 

One day my mom said, "I am going in for a procedure on Wednesday at 1:00. It will be in a hospital. The hosptial has great food and a beautiful courtyard. My doctor is great. I know I will be in good hands. You can come visit me." She was as cool as a cucumber. She said it like you would tell someone you are getting your teeth cleaned.

 

I asked why she was going to the hosptial. "To get a cyst removed."

 

"When will you get out?"

 

"In about 3 days."

 

I was satified with that.

 

I don't remember her leaving for the hosptial. I think they left me at home and didn't make a big to-do about it. The next day my Dad said, "I think it is about time we go and visit your mother." We met her in the beautiful hospital courtyard. She told me she loves to sit in there. Now that I am older, I figure the hospital would not allow children in the rooms, so she planned to ahead of time for a place where she could see me. She told me how great the food was and how the hospital has TV and she was very happy there.

 

A few days later she came home. It was then obvious to me that she was in a lot of pain. She knew that I knew it, and she didn't try to cover it up. She admitted that she was in pain. She said, "Whoo, it's a good thing the doctor's got the whole cyst out. I expect to be all back to normal in a few weeks. This is just temporary, Honey. The doctors gave me some strong pain medication that will help me. I'll take some right now. You can help by getting me some water."

 

My parents were really cool about the whole thing. I am so glad they didn't burdern me with all the details and worry. They were rock solid.

Edited January 17, 2010 by Caribbean Queen

[Caribbean Queen]

Oh, I forgot to say that the cyst turned out not to be cancerous. My mom is fine.

[kalanamak]

 

I would like to hear your advice about how I should handle this illness towards our children.

 

For the time being they have no idea...apart of me being in front of the internet all day...and speaking with daddy and on the phone behind closed doors (both not very common in "normal times").

!

 

I would do everything possible to be strong and brave in front of them.

 

One "trick" I use is to not drop all the news at once. Say an older lady comes in a pretty darned big stroke. In the ER the ER doc and I look at each other and think the prognosis is grim. I do not trot out to the family and say "she's toast" (although I overheard a doc do this...ugh). I say it looks "serious, but let's see what the CAT scan shows". I'm truthful....maybe there is a 1 in 10000 chance there is a removable hematoma. And it is serious. This gives the family 40 minutes to come to grips, make phone calls, get their car out of the ER driveway and into a spot, and visit the jon. When the CT shows there is a huge bleed and the mother they know isn't coming back, now I have a chance to talk to them about comfort, etc, the family is sitting down, prepared for news, and has some questions already thought up. Reserves are on the way and everyone has caught their breath.

 

I don't know that I would immediately say cancer to even your 10 year old. I'd tell them surgery, and if asked for more details by a calm child, then I would provide them. I would think it best from daddy IF he is emotionally capable of doing this. If not, then you. If you cannot be calm and strong, someone else they are close to.

 

This is certainly a crisis, and I think children really learn a lot in such situations. They are on "high alert" and the brain picks up all kinds of things. If they learn that grown ups buck up and stick together in crises, so much the better for them.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: You must be terrified and sick with misery.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

:grouphug::grouphug: So sorry. I will be praying for you and your family.

[4kiddies]

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

As a cancer survivor (Hodgkin's disease) I would encourage to find a local cancer support center. As others have stated the cure rate in cancers has risen, yet the word alone can be scary.

 

Sometimes people hear the word and think the worst and they can bring you down even worse. Find out the facts of his disease, take notes at the doctors appointments, and find someone IRL to talk to about it.

 

When I was ill we did not have children, but my dh became my guard. He was scared out of his mind but he was there. He also guarded me against anyone that was speaking negative around me. I did NOT want to be looked at like I was going to die that moment. The only thing I felt in charge of during that time was my attitude.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but I agree you don't have to tell it all to the children right now. Lots of hugs and cuddle time, and then go into your closet and scream if necessary.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Oh, I'm SO sorry. I do hope everything works out well and your husband will have complete healing. I hope the cancer was caught early!

 

What I would recommend as far as the kids go is to wait until you see how serious the cancer is before you mention that word. You don't want to alarm them if he's in the early stages. Prostate cancer his highly curable if caught early!

 

If it were me, I'd tell the kids that dad has to have surgery to have a growth removed. Then while in the hospital I'd talk to the social workers trained to deal with these situations. They were WONDERFUL with advice for my kids where their Nana was concerned, and they were a tremendous help to my friend when their kids had to learn of their father's incurable cancer. They told them in stages.

 

As far as school goes, I don't think it should be something to focus on while your dh is in the hospital. You can make up for it during the recovery and beyond. I didn't read your other posts so don't know if you're behind but if you are, focus on the basics, get them caught up, then schedule in the extras. If your kids are old enough to do more on their own, have them do schoolwork and you can do corrections in the hospital.

 

I've been through 3 years of caring for my ill and dying parents and friend, mhy mil, etc. so I can SOOOOOOOOOOOO relate. This year is our first year just FOCUSED on homeschool and we are already caught up with all our main studies. It will all work out in the end. We never had to work through summer but if you have to, that's ok, too.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

Be prepared that they might ask you if it is cancer. If so I think you have to be honest and tell them yes but it comes in many forms etc. Children often know more of what's going on at home than we think they do.

[Starr]

I hit the wrong button. Here's the hugs! :grouphug:

[The Girls' Mom]

First of all, I'm so sorry that this has been piled on to your already full plate. :grouphug: and prayers for you and your family.

 

On telling the kids, I'm going to be on the other side of the fence here. I would not hide the word cancer from them. They WILL hear someone slip up and say the C-word before it's said and done, and if they think you are hiding something from them, it will only make them more afraid. Tell them what is going on, but be matter of fact about it. Tell them that there are different types of cancer, and all of them do not = death. That this one is very treatable. Reassure them BEFORE they have a chance to panic. My kids have been through this with family they are very close to. My mother and step-father have both died from cancer. My MIL, whom I cannot imagine their grief if they lost, has also had cancer and is fine after surgery. We were open with them about it all, although we never gave them more info than was appropriate.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug:

[missmoe]

First of all :grouphug:.

 

If I remember correctly, you spent time in the ICU not to long ago? I'm not sure how you were admitted to the hospital at that time, but those fears your children had for you are possibly going to come up again. You may want to make a point of discussing how this hospital visit will be different for your husband. He has a time to go to the hospital and a time to come home from the hospital. I second the advice to talk to the social worker at at the hospital. At one time, I spent almost 4 months in the hospital(with three small children at home) and the social worker at the hospital was wonderful. Her resources and help were a lifesaver!

[Sugarfoot]

:grouphug: to you. I hesitate to give advice. My DH is a physician, and so our DC have a different perspective. They're used to hearing/seeing things that would seem "odd" to other kids, so I'm not sure how to address what to say or do. They would know what to ask if we tried to be vague. :glare: I've been through some pretty big things health-wise, though, and I've tried to keep things as normal as possible for them. I've prepared things ahead of time, like meals for the freezer, made copies of things for school that they'd need for the next couple of weeks, did every bit of laundry that I possibly could, paid every bill, put away all of the "unnecessary" toys, and written out everyone's routine for whoever may be here to help while I was in the hospital. Anything you do to prepare them will help. Really. As far as school goes, I went to "essentials only," putting 2 weeks worth of what I wanted them to do in folders with daily checklists attached. That kept them from being at "loose ends" and gave them some continuity.

 

FWIW, we had a dear friend just go through a prostate cancer ordeal. He had the entire gland removed in October. He was in the hospital for 3 1/2 days, and recovered for about 10 days at home after that. Now, he's back to his incredibly busy life and looks fantastic.

 

Good luck to you!

[katemary63]

So Sorry......:grouphug:

[....]

In 2007 - 1 week after I delivered our 4th baby via C-section, I had to drive my husband to the hospital to have cancer removed from his colon.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

:grouphug:

[Mama Bear]

I'd say you've had your turn at being fed through the wringer. Time for a long vacation to a nice beach somewhere!

 

First, hallelujah that he's young-ish and they found this now. Second, I think I'd find studies that state the good news/survival rate boldly, perhaps in the title, print some and start leaving them around -- maybe tape one to the rearview mirror with a big smooch of lipstick on it.

 

As horrible as the news is, especially coming when you all have about had it already, if you're able to change something about how you're thinking about/dealing with it, it gets easier. With time. Prayer. Time. So maybe one day you move dinner to a picnic set-up on a blanket on the living room floor. Board games after or the next evening, everyone takes turns making the baby giggle, whatever. I know it sounds just silly, and like a lot of work, and maybe plain stoopid, but whatever you can do to just change *something* will so help you guys.

 

In the midst of Life Falling Apart, it's helped my kids to have us all say Three Good Things at the dinner table every night or at bedtime with prayers. Stuff like that, little things, they add up, and all of them together change *everything*.

 

You have so much fantastic advice here, really truly good and strong support here. Keep asking here, keep breathing. You can do this, you will make it and you will thrive on the other side. One foot in front of the other. You will.

 

:grouphug: and prayingprayingpraying.

[scrapbabe]

I was diagnosed with cancer in Sept. I am always open and honest with my kiddos about everything. So we just sat down and told them. Explained what it meant, told them what would happen, and that we believed it would all be okay. They took it really well. They are 12, 9, 4. I'm not going to say "it's a curable cancer, don't be scared" because I got so sick of hearing that from people. It is still cancer, will still be emotional and physically taxing, and will still be a huge trial. But you will find little miracles popping up where you least expected. Just hang onto those good moments, no matter how small or short, because they will get you through.

As for school, I quit entirely because I couldn't focus. Then a good friend hooked us up with a tiny private school where we could do a trade and my kids go for free. It's not my first choice, but for now it's a good option for us while mommy heals. I'm not saying that'll happen to you, but just trust your instincts, and trust that there is a purpose in this. It'll all work out. And even if your kids don't have school right now, in the long run, it won't matter at all. Do what you feel you need to do, and what your children and showing you they need.

I wish you the best!!

 

Smiles,

Shalynn

[prairiegirl]

Having just gone through my own cancer experience, I am giving you lots of hugs. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I cannot give you advice because everyone does things differently for various reasons. I can tell you how we handled it with our kids, though. My kids are 10,8 and 6. I have always been very honest with my kids about everything that has happened in our lives. I wasn't about to stop with this. I told them that it was cancer and I told them exactly what was going to happen. We talked about it lots. I was very open with them. This gave them a chance to see how to handle crisis. It gave me a chance to share my faith with them in a tangible way, not just talk but in action.

 

I decided to tell my kids everything because I was kept in the dark about my grandfather's cancer. He died but I never knew why until I was in my 30's. I was very angry that no one told me the truth. I didn't want this for my kids.

 

On the good days we did do the basics but when we were having bad days, we just read lots and lots. We spent lots of time together as a family, going on walks, playing games, watching movies. Even though it was a difficult time for us, it was also a wonderful family time. I have been cancer free for almost two months now and we are still having a hard time getting back into a rhythm. I am just taking it as it comes. I am refusing to think about how 'behind' we are, academically. I am choosing to think how far we have come as a famly.

[*Inna*]

:grouphug:

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Could you tell a few of your IRL friends or people at church if you go to one, so you can get some physical support during the day maybe? Like get help with laundry and cooking so you can do the schoolwork and cuddling? I have no advice on what to tell them, though. Just don't try to hide it all of course, because they'll probably notice all the anxiety and secrecy. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: