Kids who hate surprises and waiting for gifts

[Wendi]

My ds13 drives me crazy every year, starting in Aug./Sept. leading up to his birthday in Oct., and then right on 'til Christmas. He HATES waiting for a surprise! He always has. So he talks about what he wants, tries to get me to tell him something or give him a hint, guesses what he's getting, etc.

 

This year he has even peeked into a box and now knows my mom got us a Wii! I feel like he ruins the joy of surprising him and having an exciting Christmas morning. I have tried explaining this to him. He is hard-headed.

 

Will he outgrow this? Or do some of YOU still hate surprises, and try to figure out what you're getting?

 

Wendi

[Remudamom]

The rule around here is "you peek, it goes back". We only had to do that once. Hard headed is just another name for disobedient.

[Pippen]

I had a child who hated surprises to the point of it causing anxiety. I used to shop with him, wrap with him, and stash the gifts in his closet.

 

I see the point in taking away the joy from the giver, but since it was a tradeoff of my joy giving him angst, I decided it was easier to make it easier.

 

I used to be a snooper--found most of my gifts growing up. It never killed me but I just kept my mouth shut about it.

[Wendi]

I had a child who hated surprises to the point of it causing anxiety. I used to shop with him, wrap with him, and stash the gifts in his closet.

 

I see the point in taking away the joy from the giver, but since it was a tradeoff of my joy giving him angst, I decided it was easier to make it easier.

 

I used to be a snooper--found most of my gifts growing up. It never killed me but I just kept my mouth shut about it.

 

Yes, my ds does have anxiety problems. What for most is pleasant and thrilling anticipation seems to be very unpleasant. I'm trying to get him to keep it to himself! This is the first time he's actually peeked. Since this is a family gift, and we didn't have an established rule about peeking (just admonishments not to), I won't be returning it.

 

I do let him open one of the gifts from our relatives a few days before Christmas (he opened a Cd from his aunt today). That helps a bit.

 

Wendi

[Chris in VA]

We let them open one on Christmas Eve (used to, anyway) and one first thing on their birthday morning (have to wait until after dinner otherwise on their birthdays). It seemed to help.

 

I do agree with Remuda tho. And I think patience is a virtue, even if it's hard to wait. Those kids who can delay gratification are much less likely to do drugs, did you know that? Some things, you have to wait for. In our house, a big one would be sex. I know, not exactly a Christmas present...:D...but the principle of waiting when you don't want to is still the same. All about the long term goal. A man who can wait is one who can work hard at a low level job, knowing he is building skill for a better one he truly wants. A man who can wait can live in a smaller house rather than going in too much mortgage debt with a house he can't afford. A man who can wait is a better man.

 

Not all at once, not on our timetable. Waiting is important because it teaches us that there is a season for everything.

[bbsweetpea]

My oldest gets very anxious around the holidays. She is a planner and has to know exactly what will happen every moment of her life.

 

I try to limit the anxiety by putting the tree up two weeks before Christmas and not putting gifts under until Christmas Eve. It seems to help her not worry so much.

[nmoira]

I had a child who hated surprises to the point of it causing anxiety.

This is my eldest. While out of sight doesn't mean out of mind, it does help with the anxiety. I put one gift out one Christmas Eve to open, and everything else under the tree after the kids go to bed that night.

 

UPS lost her birthday presents a couple weeks back, and she was devastated -- not because she had to wait for the presents, but because she couldn't deal with not knowing what they were. I was having particularly slow day, and it took me three hours to realize precisely why she was so stressed and that I should just tell her what was coming.

[kewb]

I hate surprises. I got engaged in a diner parking lot instead of the beach as dh had planned because he told me had a surprise for me. I pestered him until he caved.

 

Just this past week he told me he got me a present and approx. when it would be arriving. I was home when it was delivered and opened the box. He was a bit miffed at me. I told him if he had not told me he purchased something for me I would have put the package aside like I do with all the other ones he gets. It was his fault. It was a new cell phone, in case you were wondering.

 

My name is Kathy, and I am a contol freak.

[Wendi]

I hate surprises. I got engaged in a diner parking lot instead of the beach as dh had planned because he told me had a surprise for me. I pestered him until he caved.

 

Just this past week he told me he got me a present and approx. when it would be arriving. I was home when it was delivered and opened the box. He was a bit miffed at me. I told him if he had not told me he purchased something for me I would have put the package aside like I do with all the other ones he gets. It was his fault. It was a new cell phone, in case you were wondering.

 

My name is Kathy, and I am a contol freak.

 

So is this a control thing? He can't stand someone else having this knowledge he doesn't have, and control over when it's revealed? Hmm. He is a control freak. We often have to say, "Okay, Mr. Spielberg. Back off." when he's trying to direct things.

 

Sigh. I will try to distract him with some fun stuff the new few days. I do want him to learn to wait. Much of what makes a holiday special is doing things ONLY on that day. Many things are special partly because we must wait for them.

 

I just wondered if anyone else has a dc for whom this is a major source of anxiety.

 

Wendi

[Rosie_0801]

Hmm. So you have information of value, and he wants it. How much does he want it? Is he willing to pay? I see no reason to cause a person serious anxiety while telling him it's for his own pleasure but I don't think he ought to be able to spoil things for the rest of you either. If he was willing to clean the bathroom from top to bottom in return for you telling him what one of his presents is, then he must really, really want to know. If he isn't that desperate, then he can pipe down. These things are so much more pleasant to handle if the ball is in their court, providing you're the one who has marked out the size of the court. ;)

 

Rosie

[newbie]

My 15 yo is nagging about her sis's gifts. Not hers. Is it nagging when you are 15?

 

I think she wants the scoop so she can tell or be one up, of course she does not want to know what she got although she peeked at one of the emails w/her gift in it.

 

Sneaky.

[Melissa in St Louis]

Hmm. So you have information of value, and he wants it. How much does he want it? Is he willing to pay? I see no reason to cause a person serious anxiety while telling him it's for his own pleasure but I don't think he ought to be able to spoil things for the rest of you either. If he was willing to clean the bathroom from top to bottom in return for you telling him what one of his presents is, then he must really, really want to know. If he isn't that desperate, then he can pipe down. These things are so much more pleasant to handle if the ball is in their court, providing you're the one who has marked out the size of the court. ;)

 

Rosie

 

As usual, Rosie has an amazing, level-headed idea. I SOOOOOO wish she was my neighbor!!!!:D

[Rosie_0801]

As usual, Rosie has an amazing, level-headed idea. I SOOOOOO wish she was my neighbor!!!!:D

 

I had good training, but we'll see how it pans out when my kids are verbal :glare:

 

;)

Rosie

[Joanne]

I hate surprises. But I never tied anxiousness to Christmas.

 

I have a child with anxiety, so I am sympathetic when it comes to that.

 

I think the hyperfocus on gifts could come from several places, and my response would not be the same for each situation.

 

For a child who wanted the gifts prematurely because they wanted the "stuff", they can 1) hush up or 2) lose the gift.

 

For a child coming from a control freak frame of mind, I'd coach and word with them about the social, family and eventual business ramifications of the need to be in control so constantly over people and situations.

 

If it's true anxiety, I'd consider outside professional help and possibly even meds.

 

In the case of the OP, I'd begin with discipline around the behavior related to the gifts. I would NOT tolerate being pestered a good percentage of my months within a year about gifts. I'd start a gratitude journal with him and get him involved with helping others.

[specialmama]

There are different reasons for wanting to know what a surprise is, and this thread has so many bunny trails down each of them. Being nosey, wanting control, general curiosity, even a complusion to know everything... but negative emotions like anxiety and fear are reasons to seriously consider conceding here. Many people with autism (for example) need to know what their present is too, and it is not for any one of those "green" reasons. I know a teen boy who has developed ulcers and has severe panic attacks and has fainted as soon as the Christmas decor comes up. His family has graciously decided to show him every purchase prior to wrapping and he's just calm as a cucumber now. His motive was not to ruin it for the giver, it's just he genuinely was fearful of the unknown. It should be pretty easy for people to figure out what their kid's motive is and act accordingly. No need for inducing festive ulcers, you know? ;)

[kewb]

So is this a control thing? He can't stand someone else having this knowledge he doesn't have, and control over when it's revealed? Hmm. He is a control freak. We often have to say, "Okay, Mr. Spielberg. Back off." when he's trying to direct things.

 

Sigh. I will try to distract him with some fun stuff the new few days. I do want him to learn to wait. Much of what makes a holiday special is doing things ONLY on that day. Many things are special partly because we must wait for them.

 

I just wondered if anyone else has a dc for whom this is a major source of anxiety.

 

Wendi

 

For me it is a control thing. I need to know who/what/where/when or I feel very out of control and full of anxiety. That free falling go with the flow thing is extremely difficult for me (How I married a man like that I will never know). I also initially resist change. Even when I know change is the right thing. That is why I don't want to know when someone has something for me. It will drive me insane until I find out what it is.

[fivetails]

I have a cousin - he's 20ish now - who, as a child, would get *so* worked up and anxious as Christmas came closer that he would actually get sick. Physically, I mean - Christmas eve, he wouldn't sleep at all.. he'd spend most of the night throwing up.

 

He outgrew it, but I know it gave his parents quite a few rough Christmases!

[cjzimmer1]

You son sounds just like me as a kid, and yes I still hate surprises. My mother gave up years ago and just lets me pick out my own presents. My husband still hasn't quite learned this (although he's getting there) and will occasionally try to surprise me. I hate it. I'm much happier if someone just tells me up front. While surprises might be fun for some people I'm not one of them.

[2squared]

You son sounds just like me as a kid, and yes I still hate surprises. My mother gave up years ago and just lets me pick out my own presents. My husband still hasn't quite learned this (although he's getting there) and will occasionally try to surprise me. I hate it. I'm much happier if someone just tells me up front. While surprises might be fun for some people I'm not one of them.

 

:iagree: For some, surprises and anticipation are a joy. For others (like me) surprises and anticipation are NOT fun. For me, knowing that I am going to be surprised is the equivalent to being teased. It brings out the same emotions and feelings. It's just not nice. My oldest dc is just like me. She has the same tolerance of surprises as I do, so I don't tell her that I have a surprise for her. We give her gifts, of course, but I don't tell her that I've bought her something to be opened later and I don't put wrapped presents under the tree. It just wouldn't be kind to her.

 

And, yes, I would certainly clean the bathroom top to bottom to release the torment of a surprise.

 

This thread brought out intense emotions.

[LND1218]

Yep never changed!

 

For me, it's more the let down after the surprise/anticipation. I hate the let down after the surprise - rarely has a surprise been worth it. If that makes sense.

 

There is definitely a sense of anxiety with it. I would have cleaned the whole house to find out.

 

And when someone says - hey call me later I need to talk to you. I can't think straight or function until I know why. I hate phone messages - saying call me I need to talk. It causes me great anxiety - eps when I can't reach them after that. Just leave a gosh darn message saying what you want!!

 

And gifts were an issue in my household growing up. My family loves surprises. Even as an adult it's an issue - my family gets upset with me because I don't save presents that come in the mail. They stopped sending gifts here because they were afraid I would open them before Christmas. :glare: That made the process awful and almost painful for me. I don't even want gifts anymore.

 

As a kid, I peek at everything. I would open my presents and rewrap them - I learned to get things out without damaging the paper. It stems from things with my family. But yeah it's awful. Don't torture the kids for your joy. It's still a joy when you give it.

 

I don't buy gifts early because of this. I like to get it/give it right away.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Steph

[mommytobees]

My ds13 drives me crazy every year, starting in Aug./Sept. leading up to his birthday in Oct., and then right on 'til Christmas. He HATES waiting for a surprise! He always has. So he talks about what he wants, tries to get me to tell him something or give him a hint, guesses what he's getting, etc.

 

This year he has even peeked into a box and now knows my mom got us a Wii! I feel like he ruins the joy of surprising him and having an exciting Christmas morning. I have tried explaining this to him. He is hard-headed.

 

Will he outgrow this? Or do some of YOU still hate surprises, and try to figure out what you're getting?

 

Wendi

 

ROFL!!

 

I peeked for the first time at the age of 13.

 

Guess what! I still do it!!

 

Is it a control thing? I'm not sure.

 

But, I HATE surprises and I HATE having to wait to know what it is. I'm just fine about waiting to receive the gift, but I HATE having to wait for it.

 

BTW, I still peek! :D:D

 

Kris

[LauraGB]

I need to know who/what/where/when or I feel very out of control and full of anxiety. That free falling go with the flow thing is extremely difficult for me (How I married a man like that I will never know). I also initially resist change. Even when I know change is the right thing. That is why I don't want to know when someone has something for me. It will drive me insane until I find out what it is.

:001_huh:

Wow. You just held up a mirror right in front of my face! I absolutely detest surprises. In fact, I actually get downright angry about them, but I'm not sure why. And I never really realized it was an abnormality until now.

 

I remember my parents threw me a surprise party for my 8th birthday and my whole 3rd grade class was hiding out in the decorated basement. When they all jumped out and yelled "surprise!" I was so mad! Furious, even. I spent some time crying in my room while everyone was still downstairs, until my mom guilted me into going back down there. (I'm really not all that proud of that moment, btw. Really.)

 

So, its a control thing?

[LauraGB]

This year he has even peeked into a box and now knows my mom got us a Wii! I feel like he ruins the joy of surprising him and having an exciting Christmas morning. I have tried explaining this to him. He is hard-headed.

 

Will he outgrow this? Or do some of YOU still hate surprises, and try to figure out what you're getting?

 

Wendi

 

Be gentle with him. Maybe include him in everything - the shopping for everyone else, the wrapping, the handing out, etc. Maybe try letting him briefly see what you bought him before wrapping it, so he can prepare.

 

He may not out grow it. Better to find a way around it than stress him out, if necessary. If giving the gift is really about the reciever anyway, it should be okay.

[Irene Lynn]

I could have said almost everything in this post. :)

 

For me, it may be a contol issue, but it was to protect me from disappointment. We were very poor and my parents did not know how to give gifts that touched our hearts. I say that because I know that precious gifts can be given with little money. I HAD to know what each gift was, so I could get myself to appreciate it by the time I had to open it in front of people. I did not want to cry in front of everyone. This was NOT because I was greedy, but the gifts were often far from what I would have desired. It is hard to explain. I also truly enjoyed finding the presents early or unwrapping them or getting enough hints to figure it out. Some people have fun anticipating a surprise, but to me, not knowing prevents any real anticipation. How can I anticipate something that I don't know? I have never figured out how to do that.

 

I am old enough that I can handle some level of surprise. This year we have our Thai student and a Malaysian college student with us (She is here just for college break.) for Christmas. I know they both have gifts and I don't know what the gifts are. That does concern me. I am trying not to think about it. If I really must know before opening them, then I will ask my dd to tell me. She knows me. :) And she knows at least one of the gifts and could probably ask about the other one. I won't peek in their gifts or snoop in their areas. I just won't. ....but I want to.

[TammyinTN]

The rule around here is "you peek, it goes back". We only had to do that once. Hard headed is just another name for disobedient.

 

This is exactly what we did...not fun, but effective.

[SquirrellyMama]

You son sounds just like me as a kid, and yes I still hate surprises. My mother gave up years ago and just lets me pick out my own presents. My husband still hasn't quite learned this (although he's getting there) and will occasionally try to surprise me. I hate it. I'm much happier if someone just tells me up front. While surprises might be fun for some people I'm not one of them.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I will ask people the endings to some movies before I'll go and watch them because the unknown makes me nervous. I sometimes get sick to my stomach at sporting events because the unknown of who is going to win is too much for me.

 

I cannot stand surprises and I'm not the control freak in the family nor do I need meds. I also don't do drugs because I couldn't dely my gratifcation of knowing my presents. I just need surprises limited. I say if your son is anxious around Christmas then let him know the gift but he can't have it until the day presents are unwrapped.

 

Don't torture the kids for your joy. It's still a joy when you give it.

 

 

:iagree:

Edited December 22, 2009 by kwiech

[Alice]

My ds13 drives me crazy every year, starting in Aug./Sept. leading up to his birthday in Oct., and then right on 'til Christmas. He HATES waiting for a surprise! He always has. So he talks about what he wants, tries to get me to tell him something or give him a hint, guesses what he's getting, etc.

 

This year he has even peeked into a box and now knows my mom got us a Wii! I feel like he ruins the joy of surprising him and having an exciting Christmas morning. I have tried explaining this to him. He is hard-headed.

 

Will he outgrow this? Or do some of YOU still hate surprises, and try to figure out what you're getting?

 

Wendi

 

My oldest son hates surprises too. I've finally realized that the surprise is more about the joy for ME than the joy for him. He isn't so bad about Christmas presents but I don't have them out. I wrap them and don't put them out until Christmas Eve, and then we are going on my in-laws anyway so he isn't really looking. (I don't actually put them out then because of him but for other reasons but I think it does end up having the benefit of working for him.) We also don't talk much about the idea of presents. Like I wouldn't say "Oh, you're going to love what you're getting..." because that would drive him nuts.

 

In other situations though I've just learned to let the surprise be ruined...so I tell him the ending of movies for example if he wants to know. If there is something I don't want him to know about I just don't tell him that it's happening until I'm ready to tell him the whole thing.

 

 

Those kids who can delay gratification are much less likely to do drugs, did you know that? Some things, you have to wait for. In our house, a big one would be sex. I know, not exactly a Christmas present...:D...but the principle of waiting when you don't want to is still the same. All about the long term goal. A man who can wait is one who can work hard at a low level job, knowing he is building skill for a better one he truly wants. A man who can wait can live in a smaller house rather than going in too much mortgage debt with a house he can't afford. A man who can wait is a better man.

 

Not all at once, not on our timetable. Waiting is important because it teaches us that there is a season for everything.

 

I do agree that delayed gratification is important but I don't think it's necessarily related to not liking surprises. For example, my same son who doesn't like surprises has been purposely not eating his Advent calendar candy for several days so that one day he'll have 4 pieces to eat. He can work toward a goal...as long as he has control over that goal and it's not a surprise. :)

[Joanne]

I cannot stand surprises and I'm not the control freak in the family nor do I need meds. I also don't do drugs because I couldn't dely my gratifcation of knowing my presents. I just need surprises limited. I say if your son is anxious around Christmas then let him know the gift but he can't have it until the day presents are unwrapped.

 

The mention of medication was because the child has symptoms of anxiety in *general*. There are levels of anxiety and a range of how deeply a person's anxiety can affect quality of life.

 

Meds can help tremendously when a person's body and thinking process circumvent normal, within range functioning. It's great you don't need them (and neither does my child with anxiety) but the right medication has helped many thousands of people (and their people who love them) live full, normal lives.

[Joanne]

Coming back to say that I would only take the "if you peek, they go back" route if the behavior was related to wanting or materialism. And even then, I'd be inclined to introduce another element into my child's life such as service to those less fortunate.

 

The one time I peeked, it was related to impulse control and selfishness. I was sad and disappointed on Christmas; it was its own lesson and I never did it again.

 

A child who is hyperfocused for months, through a b-day and Christmas could have something else going on in addition to age expected immaturity.

[Heather in Neverland]

I like surprises that are TRULY surprises...like my dh comes home with a gift in hand and gives it to me as a surprise. But to tell me "I have a surprise for you but you have to wait two weeks to get it"? No way. I use to scour our house as a child until I found where the presents were, unwrapped mine, then wrapped them back up. I never told my parents because I didn't want to ruin it for them but I HAD to know. Even now I don't mind knowing how a movie or book ends before I read it. Knowing ahead of time does not diminish the gift in any way for me.

 

It may be a control/anxiety issue for me too.

 

My favorite gift? Gift cards. :D

[2squared]

And when someone says - hey call me later I need to talk to you. I can't think straight or function until I know why. I hate phone messages -

 

Don't torture the kids for your joy. It's still a joy when you give it.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

Thoughtfully picking out a gift and then giving it is a joy to the gift-giver. Receiving a gift is a joy to the gift-receiver. Why is anticipation automatically considered a good, positive thing? Why are people who don't like anticipation wrong?

 

If someone doesn't like surprises and anticipation, why would you try to control their feelings about it? If not wanting to be surprised is controlling, then I would think that making someone else be surprised (who doesn't want to be surprised) is controlling as well.

[Wendi]

Hi, again. I'm the OP. :seeya: I thought I'd add a little more to the conversation, which has been really interesting to me!

 

My ds is NOT a "typical" kid. He has a language disorder, sensory integration dysfunction, anxiety/OCD, gifted, and though not on the autism spectrum, has some Asperger traits. He's on medication for anxiety.

 

He's an only child, so sometimes it is hard for me to know what is "normal" and what is his own quirky self.

 

Obviously, I know that the pestering itself is a discipline issue. (And peeking.) I was asking more for insight and commiseration than for discipline suggestions.

 

He has always wanted to be in control. It seems to help him feel less anxious if he can make sure of what is going to happen. He doesn't tolerate changes in plans or surprises well. (If it's the kind of surprise that someone just hands him, or it happens instantly, it's not always bad. It's the kind you have to wait for, like Christmas, that make him anxious.)

 

I appreciate all the input about this. It's especially interesting to hear from adults who don't like waiting for gifts!

 

Keep the conversation going!

 

Wendi

[SquirrellyMama]

I appreciate all the input about this. It's especially interesting to hear from adults who don't like waiting for gifts!

 

I don't think it is really about not wanting to wait for gifts. I think a lot of us that have problems with the surprise of gifts can wait for them when we know what they are. I was always very content to wait for Christmas and to open the present if I knew what it was. It was the not knowing part that really gets me. Luckily it only happens 2 times a year. Although movies and sporting events do drive me nuts and make me a little sick if I don't know what is happening. There have been some movies I didn't like the first time because I didn't know the ending but love now and can watch over and over knowing the ending.