How Does It Happen?

[Impish]

In the what to buy MIL thread, I commented that I handed responsibility for MIL's gifts and cards back to my husband, since what I picked out was never suitable, and complained about.

 

 

Here's the weird thing that I've wondered about since...How did it become *my* responsibility in the first place? I remember our vows quite clearly, and nowhere in there did they state, "Do you agree to take over buying gifts for inlaws, from this day forward?" So why, in my marriage, like so many others, does it automatically become the jurisdiction of the wife? The one that knows the inlaws the least, considering we weren't raised by these folks.

 

I can't imagine assuming/expecting my dh to send a card to my parents...so why is it that it would be expected of me?

 

Its one of those mysterious marriage things that I can never quite wrap my head around :lol:

[mycalling]

My sil even had the nerve to say she thought low of me because I didn't buy her mother gifts and cards for her birthday and holidays! Afterall, it was my responsibility as the wife.:glare:

[Aubrey]

Since everybody assumes the wife does the shopping, housecleaning, child-grooming, etc., if any of these things is done *badly,* she's the one who will get blamed. Given that, I do NOT want credit for what dh would get for his parents. :lol:

 

Plus...I really like picking out gifts, even for total strangers. I think it's the imagination. I like imagining what someone would like & surprising them. I got cd labeling software for fil before he knew it existed, painted a pic of his band, & often do the legwork of creating his "inventions." He's not a very expressive person, so it's hard to tell at first how much he likes something, but it's gotten to where...I *think*...he'd be disappointed if *I* hadn't picked his gift for him.

 

I'm not as good at gifts for mil, but I still enjoy it. She's a lot easier to please than fil but harder to really, really floor. If that makes sense.

[Jen in PA]

Sigh. I think this every year when I send out holiday cards. MIL had me copy the "important" addresses for cards out of her address book before we were even married. And I didn't have time to send out cards last year, and one of DH's "aunts" (not a familial relationship, but she's called their aunt) cornered me about it at a graduation party. Eek! In my case, though, DH actually isn't really holiday oriented and I am, but I still have no clue how it all falls on me.

[hillfarm]

I think that responsibility kind of got grandfathered in under the "helpmate" clause. I just buy in bulk and then put them on the table for dh to sign when the time comes. I have decided that if anyone clearly voices that they don't like their gifts from now on, the next year I will buy what I would have regularly sent to them and send it to either someone I know is in need or as a generic gift to the Salvation Army or other charitable organization. Then I will send a card to the originally intended recipient sweetly saying that since they did not seem to enjoy the gift I gave them last year, that one had been sent in their honor to....

 

Imagine the snickering you could do if you sent your MIL's gift money as a donation to Heifer International!:lol: And a nice card to her saying that since you didn't seem able to pick a gift that was pleasing to her that you were sure she would prefer that the kindness be extended to someone in need. Check with your dh first, but if he okayed it, I would go for it!

[Impish]

Sigh. I think this every year when I send out holiday cards. MIL had me copy the "important" addresses for cards out of her address book before we were even married. And I didn't have time to send out cards last year, and one of DH's "aunts" (not a familial relationship, but she's called their aunt) cornered me about it at a graduation party. Eek! In my case, though, DH actually isn't really holiday oriented and I am, but I still have no clue how it all falls on me.

My MIL offered to send me all the 'important' addresses. I told her if they're important, I already know them ;) She was not pleased. Sorry, but I'm not sending a card to someone my husband went to grade one with's Mother for pity sakes!

 

I also find her Christmas letter creepy. So much about it is about Wolf and I, without our consent...its like being spied on. Blech! And heaven only knows WHO gets this crap!

[Michelle in AL]

All I have to say is just wait until it becomes your responsibility to care for her when she's old and feeble, because no one else will.

 

Sorry, if I sound bitter, but that's where I'm at. :confused:

 

I think many things become the wife's responsibilty, especially if we dont work. That doesn't make it right though.

[Impish]

I think that responsibility kind of got grandfathered in under the "helpmate" clause. I just buy in bulk and then put them on the table for dh to sign when the time comes. I have decided that if anyone clearly voices that they don't like their gifts from now on, the next year I will buy what I would have regularly sent to them and send it to either someone I know is in need or as a generic gift to the Salvation Army or other charitable organization. Then I will send a card to the originally intended recipient sweetly saying that since they did not seem to enjoy the gift I gave them last year, that one had been sent in their honor to....

 

Imagine the snickering you could do if you sent your MIL's gift money as a donation to Heifer International!:lol: And a nice card to her saying that since you didn't seem able to pick a gift that was pleasing to her that you were sure she would prefer that the kindness be extended to someone in need. Check with your dh first, but if he okayed it, I would go for it!

Love the idea...I don't even know if he's shopped for her yet, or sent it...nada. Which is just how I like it, since she calls to ask, and I can honestly say, "I don't know...Here's Wolf, you can ask him!" :D

[Crissy]

How did it become *my* responsibility in the first place? I remember our vows quite clearly, and nowhere in there did they state, "Do you agree to take over buying gifts for inlaws, from this day forward?"

 

LOL! I missed that part as well, but the gift giving, holiday preparations, etc. seem to have automatically been passed to me and each of my sisters-in-law upon marriage.

My favorite SIL and I were talking recently and she remarked that our husbands' family wouldn't celebrate anything if the boys had decided not to marry.

[Crissy]

Love the idea...I don't even know if he's shopped for her yet, or sent it...nada. Which is just how I like it, since she calls to ask, and I can honestly say, "I don't know...Here's Wolf, you can ask him!" :D

She calls to ask if you've shopped for her?! :001_huh:

[Supertechmom]

And this goes along with How did I end up being the hostess for their visits? Why if hubby has to work that's okay, I can just entertain the in-laws. Not that he would ever consider entertaining my family or that my family would come if they knew I wouldn't be here. All of that seems to fall under the wifely duties.

[FourOaks]

Yep, it's happened here since I can remember and it DRIVES. ME. NUTS!! If it weren't for me, my MIL, FIL and nieces and nephews would NEVER have received a card or gift in the past 15 years. However, do you think anyone in his family knows, understands, or appreicates this? No, they think it's MY FAULT that my dh doesn't really want to visit, they don't get b-day cards, b-days are missed, etc.

 

I have already told my dh 4 times in the past 2 weeks that I have NOTHING for his dad and have no ideas what to purcahse. I've let him know that I am really quite done with the Christmas purchasing and that if he doesn't tell me something to get, there will be NOTHING. Has he done anything about this? NO. When there is no gift or it's just crappy, who will be looked on as the screw up --- ME!!!

 

Ah, the joys of wedded bliss. I really think I need a written list of the "helpmeet" responsibilities as I seem to be failing at so many. :tongue_smilie:

[MamaT]

I simply told my dh several years ago that if his mother was getting a gift, he could go find it. It has been his responsibility ever since. She has gotten some really off-the-wall gifts from him, but at least I don't have to think about it.

[Impish]

All I have to say is just wait until it becomes your responsibility to care for her when she's old and feeble, because no one else will.

 

Sorry, if I sound bitter, but that's where I'm at. :confused:

 

I think many things become the wife's responsibilty, especially if we dont work. That doesn't make it right though.

She is in her 80s. We won't be caring for her, because I'm now disabled myself. Even before that, we'd agreed that we'd not be taking care of her, because she would cost us our marriage. She makes my husband so incredibly miserable...just not doable in any circumstance.

[lmrich]

Two years ago I was on crutches around Mother's day - guess who didn't send his mother A THING! I was horrified! I told him to pick up something for her and send it. He forgot. I love my MIL, but she is his mom and I could walk or drive. I had purchased my mother's gift much earlier before I was put on crutches. Even our first Christmas together I bought everything for all the cousins and aunts - many of whom I didn't even know! Oh well that is how it is for now I guess. Our only hope is to teach our sons.

[kpupg]

...How did it become *my* responsibility in the first place? I remember our vows quite clearly, and nowhere in there did they state, "Do you agree to take over buying gifts for inlaws, from this day forward?"

 

:iagree:

 

From the beginning of our relationship, all dh's family's gifts/etc. have been his responsibility, not mine. He usually coordinates with his siblings on gifts for his mother, though I never hear the details and don't want to. He does make a point of phoning her on special days.

 

I take care of that aspect for my side of the family.

 

It's just logical in my mind.

 

Karen

[MIch elle]

 

Here's the weird thing that I've wondered about since...How did it become *my* responsibility in the first place? I remember our vows quite clearly, and nowhere in there did they state, "Do you agree to take over buying gifts for inlaws, from this day forward?" So why, in my marriage, like so many others, does it automatically become the jurisdiction of the wife? The one that knows the inlaws the least, considering we weren't raised by these folks.

 

I can't imagine assuming/expecting my dh to send a card to my parents...so why is it that it would be expected of me?

 

Its one of those mysterious marriage things that I can never quite wrap my head around :lol:

[/b]

 

I agree with you - it's not my responsibility! I DON'T DO IT. I remind my dh but if he does or doesn't do it I don't worry about it.

[Murphy101]

I've always been very vocal and clear - if she wants something of dh - she better make sure dh does it bc I will not. If it's not important enough to dh to bother doing, then I sure ain't gonna lose sleep or sweat over it for him. Now if dh for some reason asks for my assistance, then that's different.

 

He rarely does tho. He likes to shop and I hate it.

Altho I do thank you cards. I'm big on thank you cards. Couldn't care less if I get one, but I enjoy being able to send them!

[Susan in TN]

Sigh. I think this every year when I send out holiday cards. MIL had me copy the "important" addresses for cards out of her address book before we were even married. And I didn't have time to send out cards last year, and one of DH's "aunts" (not a familial relationship, but she's called their aunt) cornered me about it at a graduation party. Eek! In my case, though, DH actually isn't really holiday oriented and I am, but I still have no clue how it all falls on me.

 

My MIL was the "Birthday Police" for many years, despite the fact that she had already given me a sheet of paper with every birthday and anniversary listed. She would call a couple days before someone's birthday or anniversary to make sure we had sent a card. Ugh. When you are newly married and dirt poor (and before Al Gore had invented the internet), getting that call became a sore spot.

 

What was worse, though, was when the in-laws would buy something in our name and give it to someone for some event and never tell us about it. So the recipient would thank us we'd just stare at them like complete idiots...:confused:

[ChristusG]

Because most men are clueless at gift giving LOL. If DH did the shopping in our family, everyone would probably end up with gift cards. :D Plus, I do love choosing gifts that I think people will like. I do get DH's input sometimes on gifts for his family though.

Edited December 8, 2009 by ChristusG

[TammyinTN]

In the what to buy MIL thread, I commented that I handed responsibility for MIL's gifts and cards back to my husband, since what I picked out was never suitable, and complained about.

 

 

Here's the weird thing that I've wondered about since...How did it become *my* responsibility in the first place? I remember our vows quite clearly, and nowhere in there did they state, "Do you agree to take over buying gifts for inlaws, from this day forward?" So why, in my marriage, like so many others, does it automatically become the jurisdiction of the wife? The one that knows the inlaws the least, considering we weren't raised by these folks.

 

I can't imagine assuming/expecting my dh to send a card to my parents...so why is it that it would be expected of me?

 

Its one of those mysterious marriage things that I can never quite wrap my head around :lol:

 

I love buying for my inlaws and family. I pick up things I see that I know they would love and gift them with it. It brings me and my hubby happiness to do nice things for them.

[HappyCrazyMama]

I agree with you - it's not my responsibility! I DON'T DO IT. I remind my dh but if he does or doesn't do it I don't worry about it.

 

I don't even remind dh and I have never done it myself. In 18 years of marriage it has never even occurred to me to do it. :confused: Most of the the time he doesn't do anything either. Sometimes he calls his mom. He has called his dad on Father's Day a couple times, not his birthday though. I just recently asked my mil when fil's birthday was. (I knew it was in January) I always send gifts to my mom and dad but that's all. I call my sister sometimes to tell her happy birthday. Don't usually send cards or gifts to nieces, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Christmas is different every family gets a card, parents get presents (dh choses for his, I for mine) there is only one niece on my side we usually give her some books, nieces on dh side we don't exchange with as dh and sil have agreed.

[Danestress]

I really don't get the idea that in-laws are "his" family and therefore have nothing to do with me in terms of present buying.

 

When I married DH, his parents became my in-laws, and for better or worse, they are mine - and mine are his. My DH puts up with my parents. My parents came for our childrens' births - not his. And if it bothered him to have my Mom in the delivery, he didn't say so. My Mom came for weeks to help, and I am sure there are times when he wanted privacy more than help. My parents have probably seen more of us at holidays (though not in the last five years or so) and DH makes a lot of small sacrifices so that I can provide help to my ailing Dad and grieving Mom.

 

To me, buying a present for his mother is just a part of being "one" with DH and being in a union with him. It doesn't have to be that way. I don't think less of couples that have a different arrangement. But I think it's hard for men to think of what to buy older women. He does sometimes buy his Mom a present or suggest one. DH is actually a reasonably good present giver. But I am more likely to see something and say, "Oh, that would make a good gift for MIL" and to buy it. I consider this one small thing I can do for an overworked, forebearing husband. It's just part of my job, and I am not complaining.

[iquilt]

My MIL was the "Birthday Police" for many years, despite the fact that she had already given me a sheet of paper with every birthday and anniversary listed. She would call a couple days before someone's birthday or anniversary to make sure we had sent a card. Ugh. When you are newly married and dirt poor (and before Al Gore had invented the internet), getting that call became a sore spot.

 

What was worse, though, was when the in-laws would buy something in our name and give it to someone for some event and never tell us about it. So the recipient would thank us we'd just stare at them like complete idiots...:confused:

 

My MIL is also the birthday police. She gave me all of her "important addresses" before we were married and they were required to receive Christmas cards as well as birth announcements for our children. My dh never buys them anything and if I miss the mark I'm in trouble. Fortunately over the years I could really care less what she thinks of me. Her other daughter in law is much more dutiful so at least she has one who follows her rules.

[Twigs]

Warning: resurrected thread!

[LostSurprise]

Nah.