How do you connect w/ your kids (moms: esp. your boys?)...

[Sue G in PA]

I'm not connecting w/ my kids w/ the exc. of dd2 who gets constant attention simply b/c she's the "baby" and just sort of "puts" herself in the middle of everything. You KWIM. It's not that I don't WANT to connect w/ the kids (esp. my 4 boys). I just don't seem to be able to do it. I'm with them all day long. I teach them, discipline them, make sure they do their chores, make sure they are getting along, read to them (if they LET me!), prepare their lunch, wash the clothes, etc. I'm the teacher, the disciplinarian, the maid, the bad-guy. Seems I never get to just be the "friend", the happy-go-lucky parent, the one who play w/ them, does the "fun" stuff. Dh gets to do that. He's the knight in shining armor when he comes home, the savior after the kids have been yelled at all day by mom.

 

How do YOU connect with your kids? I'm losing them. Someone told me that we'd be closer than ever b/c of hsing. Someone told me my KIDS would be closer b/c of hsing. Must have been some June Cleaver clone or the Brady Bunch IRL. I'm not a goody two shoes kind of mom. I like to play sports, like to wrestle around. Okay, forget the bugs...I can't do bugs. BUT, at 9 mos. pregnant, I simply don't have the energy to play baseball with the boys or basketball or gulp, football. I can't wrestle around with them. I'm the "no-fun" mom right now. I'm losing my boys especially b/c they just don't want anything to do with me anymore. I feel as if I'm constantly letting them down. What do I do? What do YOU do?

[Paz]

I only have 2 dc's so I don't know if I'm the best one to reply but I have found that doing something special with them individually is helpful in connecting with them. My ds loves to eat out and to shop. Whenever my dh and I feel like we are losing touch with him we'll take him out to eat. It's amazing what he'll share over a burger and some fries. LOL! My dd likes to shop for stuffed animals and take her dog to the dog park and dog beach.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

As with Paz, I only have 2 kids. They are both boys. I try to take them out individually for "dates" or grocery shopping. We might go for a bite to eat or a snack. They both are younger (almost 10 and 6 1/2) but they open up a lot riding in the van with just us, kwim?

 

I don't know if it is possible for you to get away with just one at a time, but it is really special for us. Even just going for a stroll with only 1 of them is big.

 

Good luck. I hope you find some way to reconnect with them.

[8filltheheart]

Sue, homeschooling is hard work. It takes time to learn to balanace everything in equal measure. It is no different than when my dh starts a new job and he has to learn his new position in addition to networking within the company, figuring out the responsibilities of everyone around him, where he picks up slack and where he delegates out, etc.

 

We have to do the same. We have to re-organize our lives, make our kids pick up responsibilities that may not have been theirs before, even delegate subjects out of home that we aren't up to teaching, etc. The mom-teacher hat is hard for some kids to separate as well.

 

So, part of it is simply a learning curve experiment that all families have to work their way through. It doesn't necessarily happen even in a single school yr. Pulling kids out of school is a vastly different scenerio than families that have never experienced any other lifestyle than homeschooling.

 

Very unpopular answer is that part of it is that sometimes homeschooling isn't the right answer. Every family, every child is different.

 

As far as the specifics to your question, I work hard at finding a way to spend time with my kids one-on-one doing different things like baking, sewing, crafts, etc. I take my 12 yos with me on daily walks and we have the greatest conversations. It is fun to listen to him try to decipher the world around him as he is transitioning in the way he thinks.

 

As a family, we love family games. We play cards and board games all the time. I make sure we interact in ways that are not about school.......ways in which they can simply be about their interests or share in something that is fun.

 

However, all of that takes energy. Your 6 yos consumes huge amounts of energy. You are ready to deliver.....that consumes almost all your energy. You are hormonal and that can make your perceptions skewed. So most of all, give yourself the rest of the school yr and summer to re-evaluate your family situation with a more realistic view. :)

[lynn]

Sorry you feel disconnected with them some ideas. Break out the board games, Some sit down ideas. Get everyone a deck of cards and build card houses or play go fish. Have them make playdough with you and give them cookie cutters. Get everyone a magnifying glass or a measuring tape(learning without realizing their learning) give them a list of things to measure and look at and let them tell you and show you what they discovered. Get some chalk and let them color the driveway or walk way, trace their shadows.

[Whisperlily]

Sue, as I read your question, I remembered answering a very similar question here not too long ago.

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

I believe you have to work a little harder with boys, to make that personal connection. I don't try to be rough and wrestle with them, but I do sometimes "elbow them" or give them a "nudge" and a grin when walking by. My version of "roughhousing" is more a nod to the fact that they're boys than actually participating. Same with other typically boy things. I tend to acknowledge thier silliness without advocating it. Belch wars, (in the privacy of our own home) usually are met with me exaggeratedly rollling my eyes with an obvious grin, and saying "Oh boy. I'm getting out of here." And, I don't let it go on too long. (I do happen to be a spontaneous person though, and even though it doesn't happen in the form of roughhousing, we do stay busy, have fun, and plenty of time to let down and be silly.)

 

I think it is important for them to have a Mom who just lets them be themselves. I seek out times to sit quietly with my sons and allow them to soften on their own. It's amazing what silence can do. I'll sit beside my one of my sons' bed sometimes (not every night), and not say a word. If he asks what I'm doing, I'll say... "just sitting with you." It's usually followed by a period of silence, and then he'll open up. Talking, sharing, bonding. I don't usually say much, unless he asks me to, but I listen. I let him lead the conversation while affirming his thoughts, not lecturing or advising. He usually ends with a deep satisfied sigh, and an "I love you, Mom."

 

My other son is younger (age 5) and needs me to verbalize for him, as he doesn't understand his own thoughts/feelings as well yet. The other night I sat with him on the porch outside and wrapped him in my arms. I did the talking and he was silent. I told him about "someday." "Someday, if you have children, I will love them just as much as your Grandma loves you." "When you bring them to my house I'll tell them all about you when you were a boy." I go on describing all his good qualities using examples of his behavior. "I'll tell them how thoughtful you were, and how you would bring home books for your sister so she wouldn't feel left out." I'd describe fun and funny things he has done, and point out all the things that were *specific to him* so he knows that my heart is caring about the complicated and unique person he is.

 

I OFTEN tell my sons what wonderful men I know they're going to be. (usually in a softer moment.) I ask them if they'll take care of their Mama when they're all grown up. ;) I tell them that God has a plan for them, and I can't wait to see what that is. I tell them that I know they'll be good fathers and husbands someday. We have talked about the fact that not everyone is called to marriage and parenthood, but they always talk about what they'll do for their wife and with their children someday.

 

We talk about the future and instill ideas about personal life/character related goals. We make sure that they know we'll love them no matter what.

 

I think these little boys *need* that softness in their lives. :)

 

Check out this thread, posted by one_l_michele. (That's where my answer above, came from.) It asks a slightly different question, but it gives great answers to the question you are asking. :D

[Jill- OK]

...most of my feelings of 'connectedness' with my kids come in moments where we're talking about or engaging in something we share an interest in, or when I'm (trying hard to be) interested in something they're interested in. (Usually something that I, as a thirtysomething woman, would have absolutely no interest in, lol. Neopets...the nuances of anime...Air Soft guns...etc.)

 

It's easy to laugh over goofy cartoons with my older kids (I seem to have a sense of humor similar to that of a twelve-year-old boy), or listen to my oldest son talk about Lord of the Rings, because I enjoy that stuff, too. The three-year-old likes to pretend to be various animals ("You be the mommy giraffe, and I'll be the baby giraffe"), and the middle girls like to play games. (Outside tag was the seven-year-old's request last night).

 

I'm sure most of us fall down on the job a lot, when it comes to making the effort and taking the time to make and keep those individual connections, but it's harder when you're largely pregnant. Give yourself a break! Just look for moments to enter one or the other of your kids' worlds, one at a time, and remind yourself that parenting has seasons. If you have some tired spaces, where you don't have the extra energy to go all out, just remind yourself when you're back at 100% that you might have a deficit, and take some extra "Connection Days" to make up for it.

 

((Hugs)) It's hard enough to feel pulled in a million directions, but to be pregnant on top of it...well, here's another ((hug)).

[Little Debbie]

I have a little guy that sometimes won't open up. The info from the other post really spoke to me! He can't open up and tell me what's wrong if I don't shut up long enough to listen! Thanks for posting it again and, of course, thanks to the OP for such wise advice!

Deb

[CLHCO]

Get goofy with the kids once in awhile, specially with boys. Get excited over what they're excited with, even movies you normally would hate or the redundant stories told for the bazillianth time. But find something they want to do and join their world, not just things you can tolerate then try to stuff them into it.

 

You don't want to be the friend and hang-out buddy when there is work to be done or let the respect leave but that's really not very hard. In times of play, you play. In times of work they are to listen to you.

 

The older they get the more you should talk with them as you would someone whose intelligence and thoughts matter to you. This is easy as discussing roller coasters, the best ones you have been on and what age you liked them best. They will feel more safe discussing the hard things if you have made the connection first with the easy things.

 

Also, you don't have to shove this into your life on a daily basis like a chore. Look for opportunities when it will come about naturally. If you son is watching a movie, sit down and ask him about the characters. If he built something, sit and hear what he built. If you're doing something, stop and explain what you're doing if he shows interest.

 

There are 2 ways to connect, through hardship - which I hope you are spared, or through joy and sharing.

 

When there is nothing to discuss, just get crazy. :lol:

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Seems I never get to just be the "friend", the happy-go-lucky parent, the one who play w/ them, does the "fun" stuff. Dh gets to do that.

 

This is my life. But it doesn't bother me that much. Dh is naturally more fun than I am. I would be exhausted trying to be something I am not. So I just try to be me.

 

The one thing that makes me feel connected to my kids is talking to them and learning with them outside of "school" hours. When I hear something on the radio or read something that strikes me in a particular way, I express my opinion. My kids often ask questions and I encourage it. We spend a lot of time, when riding in the car to activities, talking about any subject that pops up. We look up things in the encyclopedia, the internet, and even in the Bible, together. I am naturally curious about life and whenever my kids express curiosity, I run with it. We talk a lot about current events, dealing with modern culture, theology, and even crazy things that we hear others have done.

 

For example, my 14yo son brought home a book from the library about secret societies and symbolism in our culture. I borrowed it, and while I was reading it last night, I would comment aloud on certain passages. My ds got so interested that he was on the internet looking things up to add to my comments.

 

Most of the rest of the time, I am just Mom, and that's okay with me. But when those moments come, I make the most of them.

[Doran]

I have no sons to compare. But, our connections aren't through planned activities, or specific actions like fingernail painting, or anything like that. Oh, sure, that stuff happens every now and again, and it's great. But, where we connect most often is in the midst of a spontaneous giggle-fest. Seriously. There are times when I just can't do anything but laugh at a situation which is so completely absurd, sometimes even completely maddening. I could chose to holler at a kid who just can't stop whining. Instead, I'll say something like "Well, big gigantic WAH!..who peed in your cornflakes?" Sometimes (last week), it's not the kids but things like the 40 minute wait on the phone (on hold!) to talk to an insurance representative. That one involved a fair amount of ranting before I got to the utter silly stage, which again, I think is okay. I'm human and my kids see the real me - often. But, at some point, I recognized that I just needed some levity or I was going to blow a gasket. I started mimicking the revolving recording I was hearing during my mega-wait. Ins. recording: "Did you know that colo-rectal cancer is one of the top killers in America?" I'd then add some goofy reply to the non-existant person on the other end. Me: "REALLY now? And, did you know that I'm going to die of old age before anyone actually answers the phone."

 

My kids look at me like I'm crazy (w/ good reason), but they're smiling. I'm smiling. And we connect in those smiles.

 

I guess, the upshot is, seek the bright spots, and let them sparkle when they come. Hear a rhythmic radio commerical or song? Have a momentary waddle-dance with your kids. Spill a glass of milk? Toss the napkins and pencils into the air right after and exclaim, "Good heavens, this gravity stuff is a pain in the neck!"

 

I'm sure some of your "funk" is your pregnancy, Sue. It's hard at this stage, because you're feeling pressured to "get it all done" before the baby comes. And, you're tired, and emotional. And, having so many people all demanding one little you -- well, there's no real way around it being draining and difficult. It will be okay. And, my bet is those boys are more connected to you than you think.

 

 

((((Sue))))

 

Doran

[Danestress]

I think boys know whether you enjoy them and take pleasure in them or not, and I think they badly need to be liked by their mothers. I know all three of mine have seemed to really need that. I do, actually, really really enjoy them, but I wish with my oldest son that I had laughed more at his jokes and expressed more pleasure in being with him. He could be aggravating at times, and I think he picked up on my irritation sometimes.

 

I do feel relatively well bonded to all three of my sons. My oldest is a late night talker. When he was younger, he was a car talker. We've done lots of talking at 2:00 in the morning lately. One thing that really helped our relationship was me indulging him in lunches out and coffee dates. I never wanted to spend the money on these things, but when I did, I found it had major paybacks. I know it seems like a pain to get your DH or someone else to watch the other kids, and I know you probably think that these treats out are expensive, but I found my older son just really LOVED doing that with me. Mocha Frappachino was his love language:) Maybe part of it is that when Mom is in a restaurant, she's not trying to throw in a load of laundry or check her email. I was totally available. These weren't necesarily the times we had major heart to heart talks. Those tended to be in the middle of the night. They just seemed to fill his love bank, you know? They earned me equity.

 

With my younger sons, I go camping a couple times a year. Just the three of us and the dog. My husband goes other times and sometimes he takes them alone, but I find that we bond as much on those few days in the woods as we would in a month of chit chat. We all just love it. We also go for the occassional day hike or other outing. I think they are pretty easy to bond with, though, at age 10. I take them to the beach to see my parents, and I guess these fun, "getting away" times are important for us. But I also just really enjoy homeschooling them. I enjoy their jokes and their kidness. Which is probably way we are in a good stage right now (knock wood, I know how things can change!) I don't think it's so much that kids like the parent who does more fun things. I think kids just prefer being with someone who prefers being with them. I am also the "bad guy" who makes them practice violin and do long division, and sometimes I am jealous that my DH just plays, but I make sure I get to play with them too and that SOME of the drudge work feels joyful.

 

So I guess my advice is to create some genuine enjoyment in your relationships. Find a way you can be with each child in a time and place that feels relaxed and fun for both of you. That could be a movie, a walk in the woods, a dog training class, a trip to the library with a stop for coffee. Whatever works for you.

[Sue G in PA]

I'm making a Word file of all the great suggestions. AND, as always, thanks for the cyberhugs and encouragement. Can you tell I'm hormonal.:)

 

Girls are easier. My dd11 likes to do ALL the things I like to do...shop, read, crafts, scrapbook, bake, etc. My ds8 likes to do some of those things, but not all. I LOVE sports so when the baby comes...I can once again kick the soccer ball around, throw the baseball, catch a football, shoot hoops, play kickball, etc. I do miss that. The boys love video games...I loathe them. Well, get me Ms. Pacman and you'll have me hooked again, :D Anyway, shouldn't this come easier? I mean, being with your kids shouldn't be a job! Ugh...

[Jenny in Florida]

. . . in our case, we've bonded through doing things together that we like. For example, my son dances, and, although Dad is happy to come sit in the audience for recitals and productions, I'm the one who takes our son to classes, volunteers backstage for productions, makes sure he has the right gear, takes him shopping for tap shoes, etc. We also have season tickets for the ballet company, which gives us something special to do together.

 

I play much the same role with his choir. I'm the one who drives when they travel to concerts on the weekends, and I was the one who went camping. I'm the one who helps him learn his music and who understands when he talks about what they're singing.

 

And, when he's in a show, I'm the one who volunteers to supervise in the dressing room or to help pull together costumes. I'm the one who runs lines with my son at home and sings along when he plays the CD of the score (over and over and over) in the car.

 

I'm also the one he can count on to read the books he really loves and spend time talking about them. Trust me, Garth Nix is not my favorite author, but my son loves him, so I read the books and help him dig for allusions he might miss and speculate with him about how the series will end.

 

Some of this I did intentionally--like the ballet tickets and reading his books. Some of it just happened because I'm the one who's available and interested. But I hope (and usually believe) that the combination will give us enough common ground to keep us feeling close not only now but as he grows up.

 

--Jenny

[Colleen]

One reason I'm so grateful to be a mom of boys only is because boys just seem so straight-forward to me. I always thought that with a girl, I'd either be letting her down if I didn't share her interests, or worried if we didn't have some sort of natural female connection. Some women may think boys who are less talkative, less emotional are hard to connect with, but I guess I just take it in stride. I meet them where they're at ~ and sometimes I get them to meet me where I'm at, too. In other words, if there are some things that really interest them but aren't thrills-ville to me, I make an effort to show some interest. And I remind that I'd like them to reciprocate at times, too. Maybe there's something that's important to me, interesting to me, and my older guys are old enough to understand that relationships are two-way streets, if you kwim.

 

Anyway, to be more to the point, two of the primary ways I connect with my guys is through reading and outdoor activities/sports. We do spend a ton of time reading together and that draws us closer. Same with movies, though we don't watch a whole lot of movies. Enjoying the outdoors is huge for us. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one to get all rough-and-tumble with a bunch of boys. Nope. But we like to ski, hike, bike, camp, and just general be outdoors-y. Also, they're way into soccer and I love that and am involved with that on every level ~ watching their games, talking soccer with them, getting psyched about the World Cup and Euro Cup and so on.

 

To me, it's all about listening and about give and take. You've gotten so much good advice here and I do hope you don't get too down about this. Goodness, you are in the thick of it right now, being 9 months pregnant. It stands to reason that most guys aren't going to be real connected with the state of being largely pregant.;)

 

(((Sue)))

[Hope]

Periodically when things have been crazy and I am feeling unconnected to my son we have "date night." Occasionally we have gone out to dinner together (I have also used it as an opportunity to teach manners/how to treat a lady, ect.) and talked over a cheeseburger, but our favorite place to go is Starbucks. Sometimes we go there and get hot chocolate together and just sit and talk. Ours has a nice fireplace and lots of games, so after a talking a while we break out the chess board and play a game or two. It is amazing how much his behavior can turn around after a night of connecting and feeling like I did something special and grown up with only him!!! Plus a couple of hot chocolates is really inexpensive and I think that sometimes just getting out of the house for pleasure (not to get to a class on time!!!) is a treat all by itself. Good luck!!!

[Jennifer in MI]

Sue, as I read your question, I remembered answering a very similar question here not too long ago.

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

I believe you have to work a little harder with boys, to make that personal connection. I don't try to be rough and wrestle with them, but I do sometimes "elbow them" or give them a "nudge" and a grin when walking by. My version of "roughhousing" is more a nod to the fact that they're boys than actually participating. Same with other typically boy things. I tend to acknowledge thier silliness without advocating it. Belch wars, (in the privacy of our own home) usually are met with me exaggeratedly rollling my eyes with an obvious grin, and saying "Oh boy. I'm getting out of here." And, I don't let it go on too long. (I do happen to be a spontaneous person though, and even though it doesn't happen in the form of roughhousing, we do stay busy, have fun, and plenty of time to let down and be silly.)

 

I think it is important for them to have a Mom who just lets them be themselves. I seek out times to sit quietly with my sons and allow them to soften on their own. It's amazing what silence can do. I'll sit beside my one of my sons' bed sometimes (not every night), and not say a word. If he asks what I'm doing, I'll say... "just sitting with you." It's usually followed by a period of silence, and then he'll open up. Talking, sharing, bonding. I don't usually say much, unless he asks me to, but I listen. I let him lead the conversation while affirming his thoughts, not lecturing or advising. He usually ends with a deep satisfied sigh, and an "I love you, Mom."

 

My other son is younger (age 5) and needs me to verbalize for him, as he doesn't understand his own thoughts/feelings as well yet. The other night I sat with him on the porch outside and wrapped him in my arms. I did the talking and he was silent. I told him about "someday." "Someday, if you have children, I will love them just as much as your Grandma loves you." "When you bring them to my house I'll tell them all about you when you were a boy." I go on describing all his good qualities using examples of his behavior. "I'll tell them how thoughtful you were, and how you would bring home books for your sister so she wouldn't feel left out." I'd describe fun and funny things he has done, and point out all the things that were *specific to him* so he knows that my heart is caring about the complicated and unique person he is.

 

I OFTEN tell my sons what wonderful men I know they're going to be. (usually in a softer moment.) I ask them if they'll take care of their Mama when they're all grown up. ;) I tell them that God has a plan for them, and I can't wait to see what that is. I tell them that I know they'll be good fathers and husbands someday. We have talked about the fact that not everyone is called to marriage and parenthood, but they always talk about what they'll do for their wife and with their children someday.

 

We talk about the future and instill ideas about personal life/character related goals. We make sure that they know we'll love them no matter what.

 

I think these little boys *need* that softness in their lives. :)

 

Check out this thread, posted by one_l_michele. (That's where my answer above, came from.) It asks a slightly different question, but it gives great answers to the question you are asking. :D

 

Oh, how this touched me today!! Thank you so much.

[Donna]

Two boys ages 12yo and 10yo and a daughter aged 5yo. Some of the ways I connect with them are to have time alone with each one. Sometimes it is just driving one to an activity, having them help me cook a meal, or taking one shopping for groceries with me. During that time we talk and often I'll ask them what's on their minds.

 

As a family, we connect by having spur of the moment days off of school. On especially nice days we take off to the park or on really nasty days we'll play board games or read a book together. I think it is the waking up in the morning and being surprised by the day off that really makes the day.

 

I try to do little special things for them like leaving a little note in their schoolwork or just a smile and a hug when they least expect it.

[Gailmegan]

You already have a lot of great suggestions, and I do a lot of the things mentioned. We make jokes of things and we play boardgames and do puzzles and take walks outside and look for eathworms and slugs, etc. But the one thing that no one mentioned (at least not that I saw) that my boys really appreciate is when i sit down and pull out the photo albums. I do this with them one at a time and look at the pictures of just them. And I tell them stories about silly things that they did when they were little. They LOVE it. I think it reminds them just how special they are to me.

[Rosie_0801]

By the sounds of it, it's not you or them, it's the hormones! Sit them all down and tell them that you're sorry you're such a grump and you hate it as much as they do, but as much as you try, you can't really help it because that's what pregnancy does to women's bodies and brains. Reassure them that after you've had the baby, you'll go back to normal. (That being a relative term, I know!) Explain some of the ideas that the other posters have had about making the household friendly again. They may submit to some of them if you market it as something they can do to help you feel better. I'm sure if you told them you would feel better if you all sat around watching movies and drinking milkshakes, they'd be happy to help :)

Rosie-planning another pregnancy, but really not looking forward to it!

[Mom2boys]

With my boys, nothing beats one-on-one time. My oldest is in 4-H, so we work on his projects together. My younger son loves sports and is always looking for someone to play baseball or hockey with him. Both will open up if they are traveling somewhere in the car with just me, or at bedtime. Also, let your child teach you something they enjoy, like how to play chess, or read their favorite book and talk about ti with them. Take time to enter their world.

[Laura Corin]

Can you cuddle on the sofa with them while they play with toys? Or while you all read to yourselves? That's how I connect with my boys. Card games help too, as do board games (which I play, even though they bore me).

 

Laura

[Nestof3]

Sue,

 

I am a mom of three boys. I am not a "fun" mom -- I don't wrestle, play sports with them, get hyper with them. One time, I was goofing around with my 6 year old, and he seemed annoyed. I assured him I was only playing around with him, and he told me most emphatically, "Moms are for loving, Dads are for playing around."

 

I do "play around" in the sense that I make up silly nicknames for them, sing them made-up songs, and act a little silly with them. But, I am more of a no-nonsense person who balances out my husband who likes to get them hyper at bedtime. :tongue_smilie:

 

All of that to say that I am very close to all of my boys -- even the one that is technically my step-son. He, especially, opens up to me far more than he does his Dad. He takes me to Starbucks -- his proposal -- to chat. He brings me flowers from customers' yard (a stem here and there). My young ones pick me bouquets from the lawn, they make me pictures, they lavish me with homemade goodies on Valentine's Day. They say "I love you" so many times a day.

 

My oldest son and I talk politics, and I quiz him with quiz books on history. We chat about all sorts of things.

 

My 8 year old just likes me there to share everything he's learning with. He loves for me to read to him, and for me to be the audience when he recites stories or performs a play. He shows me drawings and books he makes. He likes to spend a lot of time alone. He and I are very much alike, and he reminds me of this by saying things like, "Since you and I like books so much..."

 

My 6 year old always says, "I want you to be with me." He does not like to be alone. He likes to color with me, listen to me read, makes cards with stamping (he actually inks his stamps, stamps and colors his images, cleans his stamps, the whole nine yards), scrapbooks with me, snuggles, cooks with me. He's always wanting to help me.

 

We do most of our school sitting close on the sofa. We play games together as well.

 

And you know what? I feel like that mom quite often who is always correcting, settling disputes, reminding them to clean up, teaching them, training them, reminding them to be thankful for their food rather than being picky, and so on. And, I do my share of raising my voice too. And I have many moments when I feel like locking myself in the room and saying "forget it."

 

But, they really are great boys, and they really do love me bunches. I like the fact that my relationship with them is different than my husband's. I like that they treat me differently. We have things we do together, and my husband has things he does with them.

 

Just look at all the special things you do each day with them. Boys usually love their mamas a bunch. I find being real with them, sharing when I'm tired, when I mess up, when I'm sad just makes our relationship stronger. My boys have learned how to ask for fogiveness by watching me ask for it from them. Try to embrace the unique ways you influence your boys. When they do things that show their love for you, make a big deal about it. When I get drawings, I tape them to the wall, cabinets, refrigerator. I put their flowers in the center of the kitchen table. I tell my husband how special they made me feel, and so forth. I have found that when you let your boys know that you feel so special when they do those things, they do them all the more. I like subtly teaching them how to treat their wife one day -- opening doors, being kind and gentle. They practice on me, and some day their wives will be thankful. :001_smile:

 

Oh, I also try to find ways to show each of them that I see their unique ways. I suggested to DH that we take our oldest to the Chieftans concert since he likes Celtic music. I find history documentaries and G A Henty audio books for him. I put new magazines and books in the bathroom for our little one to look at. I organize my 8 year old's bed since that is something that means a lot to him. I keep the van stocked with drawing stuff and cycle different books which makes them feel special when we drive around. I bring them things home from the library that they love. I leave books and new audio books on my 8 year old's bed. He loves to wake up to it. Most of the things I give them are things I would buy anyway for "school," so it's not like I'm just buying stuff for the sake of buying it. I feel I may not be explaining this well, but I try to give words, time and things that are unique for their unique personality, if that makes sense.

[ELaurie]

Whisperlily, What a lovely post : )

[Nestof3]

Whisperlily, What a lovely post : )

 

 

I agree. Your post really resonated with me -- in the sort of relationship you have with yours.

[j.griff]

I only have 1ds, but also have 3dd's. My ds loves video games, so sometimes I am able to take a break and play a little with him, or just sit and watch him play his current fave and listen to him explain it all to me. He's 6, and I know many here would not have 6yo's playing video games, LOL. He's going to be such a tech geek when he's older. Oooh, thanks for posting this and making me probe my brain. I think I'll dig out our snap circuits kit for tomorrow, to "bond" with ds over. :D I hope you find something that clicks for you all. (maybe a strategy board game? a book series/comic book set that they are into? a tv show? an old tv show from when you were a child, that you could rent on netflix? a good joke book? building lego buildings with them?)

[Amy in Orlando]

I have not diligently read the replies. I'm the mom of four boys. To be honest, sometimes we connect and sometimes we don't. It's been an up and down thing since they were born. We were "lucky" (if you can call it that) in that dh got very, very sick when the older boys were 10-11 - to top it off we had four hurricanes during the same time. :lol: Living in central Florida with no ac in the mddle of September, combined with a dh in ICU makes for some interesting conversations. I don't recommend this for anyone. But I did learn a few things.

 

If you have a son that is really anxious/aggressive/worried, it's worth a long drive. In my experience, boys open up on long drives where you are not questioning them face-to face.

 

The rest of it ... you might have to suck it up and watch Napoleon Dynamite or whatever. I've developed a huge appreciation of the Simpsons. It's not my first choice to watch, but it's opened up lots of communication. I've also found that pointing out my "dumb" stuff helps a lot. Letting your son see you are human and flawed is a big thing.

 

My kids KNOW I get "car sick" playing video games. My youngest (8) has accepted this. He'll come out and give me reports on his game progress, but he knows I won't come watch. He and I have a board game ritual on Tuesdays - his brothers are at Scouts. My little guy picks the game, we have special snacks and we PLAY!!! It's fun. We know that we have about 2 hours and we go from there. Maybe you can carve out a little time to do something like that.

 

When we miss our Tuesdays, I have my youngest help me with soapmaking. He's generally happy if it involves a (dull) blade and he actually helps me quite a bit. And, the older boys who know I will make them haul heavy stuff back and forth avoid us. It's a great chance for my youngest and me to talk and connect. I think the same effect could be achieved over making dinner or a special dessert.

 

One more thing - we had a great time last week making Silly Putty. 3/4 cup Elmer's Glue + 1/4 cup liquid starch + food coloring. It's disgusting, but we had a blast with it.

[Colleen]

you might have to suck it up and watch Napoleon Dynamite or whatever.

 

Amy.

 

Amy, Amy, Amy.

 

When are you going to learn that Napoleon is part of the Great Conversation? Forget kids. Who needs kids to watch Napoleon? It's good and right and ~ hey, is that two percent you're drinking? Because you know you could be drinking whole if you wanted.

 

:D

[Susie in CA]

I have two boys (7 and 8). I agree with everything Whisperlilly said. In addition I find that I have to keep them extremely busy. We do outdoor activities almost every day. When we don't, they get cranky. Things we do: Archery, Soccer, Karate, Park, Hiking etc. I know you have more kids and this is difficult to do. Maybe there is a way to provide them with more physical outlets. That's what mine seem to need a lot of.

 

Susie

[Harriet Vane]

I have not read the other replies, but here are my thoughts anyway.

 

I find that when I try to do the "dad" stuff I am never as good at it as the dad. I just cannot wrestle or play soccer the way he does. It ends up being a huge effort for me and a bit of a let-down for the kids, who know how magical that activity can be with dad.

 

With my own son, as well as two little boy cousins I have every weekend, there are a couple ways we connect really well:

 

--I am an enthusiastic cheerleader. I try to facilitate many opportunities for them to show off for me. I might not play soccer with them, but I will watch them kick goals or whatever. They really love this, and they also looooove explaining sports or mechanical stuff to me knowledgeably and at great length.:rolleyes:

 

--We do crafts together. One of the little boy cousins is quite gifted artistically, and the other two boys (my son and the other cousin) enjoy crafts pretty well. I have found that I really do not have to come up with any amazing craft--most of the crafts I give them require two minutes prep, with a VERY enthusiastic explanation to help light the fire. We might do pencil sketches outside or crayon rubbings or tear paper and glue it into a mosaic, etc., etc. I put out the supplies and just stay there chatting while they work.

 

--We snuggle and read together. We do a lot of reading aloud as part of our school day, but I also try to make an effort to read what my boy likes (true life adventures, car racing, tool stuff).

 

This is what has worked well for me--hope it helps.

[Alice]

I skimmed through the replies but didn't read them all carefully so I may be repeating what others said.

 

My son is 4 (I have another but he's only 16 months). I find the things he appreciates most (and what connects us) are:

 

Special "dates" together. Usually just something like pizza and ice cream. Or swimming for us as I love to swim and my dh doesn't at all.

 

Being silly. He loves it when I'm silly. Things like rhyming nonsense words, playing "monster" after his bath (I chase him around our upstairs), etc. We also have a game where I say "I love you" and he says "NO, I love you" and I say "Uh-uh, I love you." That can go on forever but he thinks it's hilarious.

 

My guys are also really physical (but young). They both love things like tickle fights and being flipped or tossed around. I do some of that...but obviously it will stop when they get bigger.

 

But the thing I think means the most to him is when I enter his world. I'll play Playmobil knights with him or Legos or whatever. In all honesty, I am bored to tears by this but it means the world to him and so I do it. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't know I'm anything but thrilled to have the opportunity to do this...on one level I'm bored but on another I do realize this stage is fleeting and I am thrilled to have this opportunity. :) Also, 15 minutes of "knights" is money in the bank for the rest of the day.

[Alice]

Oh, and also to say I did read Whisperlily's reply and it was wonderful. I'm going to have to save that to re-read as my boys get older.

[j.griff]

 

My kids KNOW I get "car sick" playing video games. My youngest (8) has accepted this. He'll come out and give me reports on his game progress, but he knows I won't come watch.

 

Ooooh, I have that problem too. I can only watch for a few minutes at a time now, and I'm not sure why I can do that now. It's better if *I* am the one playing, but these new fangled game systems just make my vertigo act up. I can play the old school Mario games with no problems, LOL, since there isn't the illusion of 3D, kwim?

It's "nice" to know I'm not alone though, thanks for posting that snippet. :D