sleepymommy Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 About ds's homeschooling progress. I know she cares and is bombarding me with endless repetitive questions because she loves him. But. Being that we don't have the best relationship to begin with, it gets really hard always having to answer and defend. I'm not the most eloquent speaker, (okay probably not even a little eloquent). So I don't want to sound rude towards her. She thinks the slightest bit of disagreement is rude, b/c she's the MIL and older. I respect that but it's hard to have a conversation when I'm trying to come up with answers all the time that will be agreeable towards her so not to offend. Some questions have been about his curriculum, how will I know if he is at grade level, how will he be assessed, how come I haven't started a full on schedule yet since public school has started today( so I should have too), how will I make sure he is socialized, how will he make friends, how are you going to teach when the younger child is around, how come I didn't put the younger in preschool so I could focus on older and teaching, how do I know I chose correct curriculums, why didn't I ask the public school for their curriculum and buy the same ones, did you my 4 lined paper to teach handwriting, when are you going to start making sure he can write upper and lowercase letters, how are you so sure you can teach him to read, what about history, science, gym, music, art, etc, etc, etc.... Sorry that was a little vent. She's the grandparent so I know she just wants the best for him, it's just so hard to give her all these answers since I know many of mine are not what she thinks I should be doing, therefore being argumentative to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Just say "how badly do you think I can screw up kindergarten?" :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH Kim Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 The questions will decrease in frequency, but increase in pointedness as your kids age. You have the right attitude - this is her precious grandchild and she loves him - so swallow and answer politely. We all go through this with the first one. And the second, and the third. My parents quit asking when the fourth came along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Honestly, you're going to have to be strong and quit worrying about her feelings. You need to learn that you are not responsible for how she perceives the situation or your conversations. You have every right to say you and your DH are very confident in how you are handling homeschooling, that you understand she worries, but that you really don't want to discuss it. She'll probably get defensive and say you're being rude but you just need to be strong and tell her you have it all under control. How does your DH feel about homeschooling? About his mother? He really should be the one to answer those questions, unless he's very unsure about homeschooling. Then I imagine she'll badger him until she gets him freaked out which might cause problems in your marriage. Hopefully he is supportive. I'm always sad to see when an in-law feels the right to interfere. Truly, her grandchildren are not hers to raise but just to love. She had her chance at raising kids, and you have that same right. If your DH feels strongly and supportive of homeschooling, he might need to tell his mom these things no matter how much she disagrees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I agree with pointing her towards hsing books you like or websites. I wouldn't be too harsh towards her. In-laws aren't evil people--they're family. No reason to flatten her and tell her it's not her business and all that. Just gently point her to the books and websites that explain what you're doing. Say, "Oh, I'm all tongue-tied today. Let me write down some book titles and websites that explain everything better than I can today." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneGabe Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I'd just answer her honestly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I'm always sad to see when an in-law feels the right to interfere. Truly, her grandchildren are not hers to raise but just to love. She had her chance at raising kids, and you have that same right. great outlook..... My still MIL can't let got of a few things, and for someone that never wanted more grandkids than the first (which isn't mine, and she really said she wished we wouldn't bring a child into this world to me/us) place, she is awful full of opinions...... I digress. To the op, I hope you can't work it out. Hopefully she can learn to accept that really, you are just doing what you feel is best for her grandkids. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 (edited) At first, you may want to attempt to educate her on homeschooling. I love the Linda Dobson book mentioned above. Also, Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson is another good one. However, be forewarned that this may not stop the questions. Then it becomes a matter of boundaries. I have posted here many times about my boundary issues with my mom and how I put on the big girl panties one day and enforced some boundaries. Short story - for years I tried to engage and convince. When my mom offered me a bribe to send my kids to school, I finally told her that we were the parents and we get to make that decision. We had researched fully and come to this decision after due consideration. If she could not respect our choice then we couldn't talk about it. She hung up and we didn't speak for 4 months (her choice). As angry as she was, I earned her respect. We have a great relationship now. See Joanne's wonderful bean dip article on this. Edited September 9, 2009 by dirty ethel rackham clarity and tone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyg Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I send stuff to the grandparents -- copies of projects, test results, copies of compositions, just anything that is an accomplishment and can be put in an envelope. I send one to my parents and one to dh's parents. Some of the compositions have been about them (making cookies with Grandma, a day at Grandpa's farm, etc.), so who can resist that? They usually don't make a big fuss about receiving these things, but I know it comforts them that we're covering at least the basics of the traditional stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I have an idea....don't know if it will work. But what about telling her that she'll see the proof in the pudding, so to speak, if she gives you an opportunity. Tell her that you really appreciate her concern and that you know it's because she loves *child*. Offer to send her a short note every _____ (month? quarter?) letting her know about his progress and some neat things you're doing in your school. But let her know that you need to spend your time and energy educating rather than fielding questions. State all this extra sweetly, of course. Then follow through on your part. Have ds write her a note regularly. She'll see the progress he makes as he goes. Write her about neat projects you do, things he found exciting to learn, and how he's progressed so nicely through the phonics program. Let her know of any good testing, when you put him in the next grade level of materials, etc. A tape or video of him reciting memory would could be nice. It doesn't have to be all that involved, just enough to showcase some great stuff going on. Again, short is fine. But if she knows she'll get a good report regularly, she'll feel better (just like she'd love hearing that he made 4 A's and 3 B's if he were in public school). If she questions you at gatherings or whatever, thank her for her concern, let her know you're handling it, and then quickly change the subject to something else :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Honestly, you're going to have to be strong and quit worrying about her feelings. You need to learn that you are not responsible for how she perceives the situation or your conversations. You have every right to say you and your DH are very confident in how you are handling homeschooling, that you understand she worries, but that you really don't want to discuss it. She'll probably get defensive and say you're being rude but you just need to be strong and tell her you have it all under control. How does your DH feel about homeschooling? About his mother? He really should be the one to answer those questions, unless he's very unsure about homeschooling. Then I imagine she'll badger him until she gets him freaked out which might cause problems in your marriage. Hopefully he is supportive. I'm always sad to see when an in-law feels the right to interfere. Truly, her grandchildren are not hers to raise but just to love. She had her chance at raising kids, and you have that same right. If your DH feels strongly and supportive of homeschooling, he might need to tell his mom these things no matter how much she disagrees. I agree with Beth! This seems more like a boundaries issue than a homeschooling issue. If she'll badger you about this now, you are giving her the freedom to interfere in the future. And there will be so many more opportunities for interference, believe me.:glare: If your dh is unwavering in his support of hsing, I would ask him to set the boundaries with his mother. If he might start to question hsing because of her, it's up to you to set boundaries with her. :grouphug::grouphug: We've had the same thing happen here and it's never fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cougarmom4 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I can see how it would be frustrating to always be having to answer questions and feeling like you need to defend your every move! Maybe you could start a blog and refer her to that if she'd like to see how your days go. I think she may just be really curious about how your days are spent, what you are doing, what ds is learning, how it's going, etc. Maybe she wants to be involved somehow and you could invite her to teach ds to do something specific once a month or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 (edited) My family members asked a few questions when we started, but they didn't badger me with them or make comments about homeschooling every time I saw them. In my experience (which granted, is only my own), the level of questioning you've described isn't something we all go through, and I think you're going to need to establish some boundaries now. I would let her know that you realize she's concerned because she loves your child and only wants what's best for him, and then try to find ways to include her and regularly let her know what you're doing. The main thing is that you should be the one determining what to share with her about homeschooling. She isn't the superintendent of your school, and whether she thinks it's rude or not, you aren't accountable to her just because she's your elder. Edited September 9, 2009 by WordGirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Well, I do agree that if you can get her to read a book, that would be great. It didn't happen with my mom and sister, but they don't have the personalities to want to listen to opinions other than their own. However, I'm happy to say that after homeschooling for a few years, they had gotten used to it. Now that I've been homeschooling 8 years, it seems they've accepted that it's normal for my family. Time helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonnia Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 cougarmom4 suggested this already. I began a blog with the primary purpose of quelling concerns of my inlaws. It worked very well even before our first year was done!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 you can remind her/ask her... "Did YOU go to kindergarten?" Many older people started in 1st grade. That should help. Co-ops are great to show "classroom" type opportunities...and "one year at a time" answers:-) Carrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdeveson Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 (edited) My in-laws had many questions and doubts. They were very tactful and respectful, but I could see they were clearly worried. This is how I handle it. Every month, ds and I collect his best and most interesting work, scan it and send it to Grandma. This is five or six pages, with a cover letter from the sprout. She gets updated with his progress regularly. Within a few months she was enthusing and bragging about her homeschooled grandson to anybody that would listen. She realizes that her grandson is getting a far better education than he ever will in ps or even in many private schools. Every year I make a copy of ds's portfolio, have it bound like a book, and send it to Grandma. (I have several copies made -- I keep one and share with other family members.) The portfolio includes his entire curriculum, artwork, beautiful samples of his work, portions of his history and science notebooks, music and sports, photos, field trip reports, etc. It's an amazing keepsake and a year-to-year record of his education. Nobody can argue with that. ;) Edited September 9, 2009 by tdeveson Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 (edited) She's the grandparent IMO, that answers your question. YOU are the parent and this is definitely YOUR decision to make, not hers. It is hard the first year, since you have not established a track record. However, that does not change the fact that you are the child's parent and have every right to school your child any way you see fit, regardless of grandparents' opinions and concerns. I would also encourage you that you are a responsible adult and should not have to live tiptoeing around your MIL. She is responsible for her own feelings and you should not establish a pattern of catering to her whims so as not to upset her. IMO, your MIL needs to put on the big girl panties and get over herself. Kindergarten age is still very young. As another poster mentioned, what's to mess up? Do you not know your colors, ABC's, numbers? Dd learned these basics by playing outside, writing her letters and numbers in the dirt, "big enough for airplanes to read". She has since scored in the top 2% of all the achievement tests we have had her take and is working above grade level in all subjects (not a brag, just facts for you to keep in mind when being undermined!) If you choose to share information regarding your child's progress, use caution that she does not get the mistaken impression that you are submitting it for her approval and criticism. If you really want to put her in her place, have your child draw a picture of Grandma on a small notecard once a month during the school year and give her one framed series for Christmas and the other for Mother's Day. That way she can see how his skills are progressing, but if your dc is like mine, it is quite humbling to see yourself rendered looking like a cross between a clown and a reindeer! Don't let your MIL's concerns steal your confidence. BTW, is she more upset because she is worried about him, or is she more upset about what she fears that others might think of him or her? Regardless, it is very inappropriate for her to voice those concerns to you, and tremendously egocentric to expect you to bow under to her demands. Buck up and take charge of YOUR family. Your MIL needs to learn where her sphere of influence and control ends and where yours begins. Edited September 9, 2009 by hillfarm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 "Gosh. From all your questions, I can tell that you really, really love your grandchild. I don't have the energy to answer all these questions right now, so I will have to ask you to trust me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Please, oh PLEASE don't start sending her regular 'updates' ie letters, pics, reports or anything similar. She will (if she's like my MIL, forgive me, that's the only experience I have) then EXPECT it every few months for years to come. Begin as you mean to end. Do not start something that you will find difficult to continue. For me, we send MIL nothing. She was a 'real teacher' as she puts it, and I have no desire what so ever to be accountable in any way to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christielee7278 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 My inlaws don't question me about my children's education, but they do take any jab that they can. If my oldest doesn't use perfect grammar, they'll catch it and ask him who his teacher is...and laugh. (because they are SOOO incredibly funny :glare:) I just tell them that I am still trying to correct their beloved public school's teachings...or non-teachings (two of their three children including my dh graduated from that school). I also don't let them forget this year's standardized test scores compared to last year's while ds was in ps. I do, however, plan to have a presentation night similar to a co-op's presentation night after Thanksgiving and again in May, but only for all the grandparents. Mostly to give the boys a chance to show off what they have accomplished, but partly to show the inlaws how silly their little *concerned* jokes are. A blog is a really good idea but I have yet to let my inlaws know about mine. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I do intermittent standardised testing for the grandparents. It sets their minds at rest and gives me a 'broken record' reply to all their questions. In the past I have used the publicly available TAKs papers, as the in-laws are in Texas. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepymommy Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Thank you to everyone for your responses and helpful advice. You guys have really rejuvenated me a bit, I was feeling pretty down. :grouphug: I've bolded all the bolded sentences. Honestly, you're going to have to be strong and quit worrying about her feelings. You need to learn that you are not responsible for how she perceives the situation or your conversations. You have every right to say you and your DH are very confident in how you are handling homeschooling, that you understand she worries, but that you really don't want to discuss it. She'll probably get defensive and say you're being rude but you just need to be strong and tell her you have it all under control. How does your DH feel about homeschooling? About his mother? He really should be the one to answer those questions, unless he's very unsure about homeschooling. Then I imagine she'll badger him until she gets him freaked out which might cause problems in your marriage. Hopefully he is supportive. I'm always sad to see when an in-law feels the right to interfere. Truly, her grandchildren are not hers to raise but just to love. She had her chance at raising kids, and you have that same right. If your DH feels strongly and supportive of homeschooling, he might need to tell his mom these things no matter how much she disagrees. Your right, and I'm really trying to work on the not worrying about how she feels. It just hurts when I know she doesn't believe I'm smart enough to homeschool. Dh is supportive, but very easily swayed, especially by his mom. I always know when he has recently talked with her because his conversation with me ends up sounding like a tape recording of his mom. This is in many different aspects of our lives, not just homeschooling. But that's another post. At first, you may want to attempt to educate her on homeschooling. I love the Linda Dobson book mentioned above. Also, Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson is another good one. However, be forewarned that this may not stop the questions. Then it becomes a matter of boundaries. I have posted here many times about my boundary issues with my mom and how I put on the big girl panties one day and enforced some boundaries. Short story - for years I tried to engage and convince. When my mom offered me a bribe to send my kids to school, I finally told her that we were the parents and we get to make that decision. We had researched fully and come to this decision after due consideration. If she could not respect our choice then we couldn't talk about it. She hung up and we didn't speak for 4 months (her choice). As angry as she was, I earned her respect. We have a great relationship now. See Joanne's wonderful bean dip article on this. Thank you for sharing your experience. And for reminding me of the bean dip article. I had forgotten about that. I can see how it would be frustrating to always be having to answer questions and feeling like you need to defend your every move! Maybe you could start a blog and refer her to that if she'd like to see how your days go. I think she may just be really curious about how your days are spent, what you are doing, what ds is learning, how it's going, etc. Maybe she wants to be involved somehow and you could invite her to teach ds to do something specific once a month or something. Thanks, I've never considered starting a blog before. I'm not really computer savvy, but I will look further into it. It does peak my interest! you can remind her/ask her... "Did YOU go to kindergarten?" Many older people started in 1st grade. That should help. Co-ops are great to show "classroom" type opportunities...and "one year at a time" answers:-)Carrie I wish this would be enough for her, unfortunately the last time I said this she went on and on and on about how kids these days need to know so much more to stay competitive with the rest of the world and how education is just so important and I shouldn't take it lightly, etc. I've just recently found a couple of co-ops around here that I'm going to explore a bit. I do think they offer some good opportunities to do things in group settings. Every year I make a copy of ds's portfolio, have it bound like a book, and send it to Grandma. (I have several copies made -- I keep one and share with other family members.) The portfolio includes his entire curriculum, artwork, beautiful samples of his work, portions of his history and science notebooks, music and sports, photos, field trip reports, etc. It's an amazing keepsake and a year-to-year record of his education. Nobody can argue with that. ;) I love this idea!! Thanks for sharing! IMO, that answers your question. YOU are the parent and this is definitely YOUR decision to make, not hers. It is hard the first year, since you have not established a track record. However, that does not change the fact that you are the child's parent and have every right to school your child any way you see fit, regardless of grandparents' opinions and concerns. I would also encourage you that you are a responsible adult and should not have to live tiptoeing around your MIL. She is responsible for her own feelings and you should not establish a pattern of catering to her whims so as not to upset her. IMO, your MIL needs to put on the big girl panties and get over herself. :lol::lol::lol: I needed that! Kindergarten age is still very young. As another poster mentioned, what's to mess up? Do you not know your colors, ABC's, numbers? Dd learned these basics by playing outside, writing her letters and numbers in the dirt, "big enough for airplanes to read". She has since scored in the top 2% of all the achievement tests we have had her take and is working above grade level in all subjects (not a brag, just facts for you to keep in mind when being undermined!) If you choose to share information regarding your child's progress, use caution that she does not get the mistaken impression that you are submitting it for her approval and criticism. If you really want to put her in her place, have your child draw a picture of Grandma on a small notecard once a month during the school year and give her one framed series for Christmas and the other for Mother's Day. That way she can see how his skills are progressing, but if your dc is like mine, it is quite humbling to see yourself rendered looking like a cross between a clown and a reindeer! Don't let your MIL's concerns steal your confidence. BTW, is she more upset because she is worried about him, or is she more upset about what she fears that others might think of him or her? Regardless, it is very inappropriate for her to voice those concerns to you, and tremendously egocentric to expect you to bow under to her demands. Buck up and take charge of YOUR family. Your MIL needs to learn where her sphere of influence and control ends and where yours begins. Thank you so much for this post, it has really hit home for me. I've gleaned quite a bit from your wise words. Unfortunately, it is a very cultural thing for us (Indian), that we are just supposed basically bow down to the MIL wishes. She's basically the matriarch of the family and even dh can't stand up to her. The fact that she has never approved of our marriage just makes the strained relationship even more fragile. I'm going to try to be more assertive with her though. Your right, it is MY family. But man, she is one formidable woman! Please, oh PLEASE don't start sending her regular 'updates' ie letters, pics, reports or anything similar. She will (if she's like my MIL, forgive me, that's the only experience I have) then EXPECT it every few months for years to come. Begin as you mean to end. Do not start something that you will find difficult to continue. For me, we send MIL nothing. She was a 'real teacher' as she puts it, and I have no desire what so ever to be accountable in any way to her. Thank you for sharing your experience too. I've read some of your other MIL posts and I feel we probably have shared many similar experiences. I definitely do think she would use updates as a reason to critique. My inlaws don't question me about my children's education, but they do take any jab that they can. If my oldest doesn't use perfect grammar, they'll catch it and ask him who his teacher is...and laugh. (because they are SOOO incredibly funny :glare:) :eek: That would just kill me! 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Pajama Mama Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I doubt that you can do or say much. Just keep any discussion about hsing brief and business like. Do not become emotional involved in what she is saying/asking/yelling? My MIL used to say that we were "ruining our kids lives." Alot. I stopped trying to reassure her. If she had a thoughtful and kind comment or question I would talk about it-briefly. If she was being rude, I briefly told her that what she was saying was rude and unacceptable. I then stopped talking on that subject. Five years later, she brags about us homeschool(cyberschooling). She thinks it's great. She makes suggestions and I listen. I even ask her if she wants to teach arts and crafts or home ec(looming, knitting, cooking, etc) I cannot promise that your MIL will have a change of heart. But miracles do happen:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pajama Mama Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I send stuff to the grandparents -- copies of projects, test results, copies of compositions, just anything that is an accomplishment and can be put in an envelope. I send one to my parents and one to dh's parents. Some of the compositions have been about them (making cookies with Grandma, a day at Grandpa's farm, etc.), so who can resist that? They usually don't make a big fuss about receiving these things, but I know it comforts them that we're covering at least the basics of the traditional stuff. I've sent things to *my* mom because she lives further away. The kids write letters to her when they practice letter writing. I've sent pictures that she hangs on her wall. I don't do this to prove anything to my mom. My mom is cool with the homeschool/cyberschool thing. I just send them because she misses her grandkids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Unfortunately, it is a very cultural thing for us (Indian), that we are just supposed basically bow down to the MIL wishes. She's basically the matriarch of the family and even dh can't stand up to her. The fact that she has never approved of our marriage just makes the strained relationship even more fragile. Perhaps it is time to reevaluate and possibly change those parts of your culture that are not working for you. I assume that you are not leading a totally traditional lifestyle that is 100% pure Indian culture. I suspect that if your MIL lives a modern life in the US, she probably isn't living 100% the Indian way either. Don't fall into the trap of being held accountable to someone else's unreasonable standard, especially one that they themselves are not meeting. Your MIL needs to learn that loss of fellowship will be the consequence of her behavior. Being the matriarch of a dwindling family circle because you have alienated everyone else would not be a fun place to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 For some time, I would choose one interesting thing each month to share. Like some cool history project (building the Nile River) or a science experiment (Dc learned about acids and bases by experimenting with a variety of materials today). We read the greatest classical story last week.... Each year, I would send a "scores" update on tests, more like DS is 3 years above grade level in math. If he was on grade level somewhere, I wouldn't include the information, ONLY where we were really strong. I didn't want to give any ammunition. I would also send articles about the horrible things I saw in our school district: budget cuts, violence, sexual offenses. I'd include the "I'm so glad he's home and not in this county school." note. I'd point out how well the children got along and how unusual that was for dh and I growing up (he faught terribly with his sibs). It took a few years, but after 3 years, they got a grip and starting praising our efforts. Time is your friend in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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