Hive consensus on MIL/kids issue

[jujsky]

An issue with my MIL reared it's ugly head yesterday, and DH and I are not 100% in agreement as to how to handle it. Disclaimer #1: We are not fighting & this is not a husband-bashing thread. He agrees that what his mom did is wrong and he is very angry with her, as am I. Disclaimer #2: I am not religious, so while I understand and respect the Biblical view some of you hold towards obeying your husbands and submitting to their will, that is not a view held in our household. Disclaimer #3: This is more of an apology to all of you in advance. This will be long. I tend to sort out my feelings/thoughts through writing.

 

DH and I have always had a rocky relationship with his mom. I've posted about it once before here. That being said, she's not a horrible person. She's done/said a lot of hurtful things in the 10 years I've been married to DH, but I thought we had reached a mutual place of respect (certainly not "like" -- I will never actually like his mother). Because of the things she has done in the past and because of the way I handle things --I'll take a lot of grief from someone and push it aside until I eventually snap, and then every, single, little thing the person does after that will irritate me immediately and to no end -- I don't always approach situations with her impartially.

 

I was already ticked at her when the incident happened. She had given DH a hard time the night before over something else, which annoyed me to no end. She watched the kids for us yesterday because we were helping my brother and DSIL move to their first house. We didn't ask her to baby-sit. We were going to take the kids (6 and 4) with us, but she offered and DH didn't want the kids underfoot, so I told him it was fine. She showed up an hour late, so then I was in an even worse mood towards her. I had to send DH ahead since his muscles were needed a lot more than mine, and drive over once she got there. I hate being late and the ILs are chronically late -- to the point where they've missed some of the children's events. It's a huge pet-peeve of mine.

 

So when we got back from what turned out to be the shortest and easiest move in the history of the earth, I found out from the kids that MIL took them to the pool in our development -- literally a 3-4 minute walk -- in her car! They weren't in car seats. Her attitude towards it was that it was a short drive so it was no big deal. On top of that, she has suggested doing this once or twice in the past and we've told her that it is illegal and dangerous, and under no circumstances whatsoever are the kids supposed to get in a car without car seats. This is not an "I hate my MIL" issue because I told one of my favorite uncles the same thing when we visited him and he wanted to pop the kids in his jeep and take them just up the road for ice cream. No. Under no circumstances. Dangerous. Illegal. No. Not happening. We explained to my MIL in no uncertain terms in the past that this was not ever going to happen, that if caught she would be charged with child-endangerment charges, and that we could possibly be investigated by child protective services for leaving our children in a dangerous situation. There is nothing physically wrong with MIL. She walks all the time, and is a big fan of "nature walks" and other such things that I can't stand (I'm an indoors sort of gal) so it's not like she couldn't walk there -- she just didn't want to because of the heat. But seriously? A 3-4 minute walk to go to the pool where you're going to jump in and immediately cool off? In NH? I mean, it was hot yesterday, but not like Florida-hot or anything. When we expressed yesterday after the incident that she was not allowed to do that, she became nasty towards us, and said that she "couldn't" walk to the pool. We learned about the whole car thing after we were back from the move. FIL was there by that time helping DH install our floor, MIL was about to take the kids back to the pool a 2nd time, so when it came out and she got nasty towards us, FIL drove her to the pool in our car -- you know, WITH car seats for my under-age children.

 

When they got back from the pool the 2nd time, the kids were all excited that they saw a little 10 year-old boy from the street over. He's a homeschooler too, and so sweet to my kids. MIL mentioned how he "watched" Nathan, and at first it didn't click for me (I was still seething over the car). After she left, I asked the kids. Apparently, she left the 10 year-old in charge of DS while she took my DD to the bathroom. There is no lifeguard at this pool and my DS can barely swim. DD takes for-ev-er in the bathroom, so they would have been gone a minimum of 5 minutes. While this boy is mature and responsible for his age, and they weren't in the water while my MIL was gone, this is not a decision DH or I would have made. What if the boy was called home? What if DS decided he was going in the water anyway? He has sensory issues and some defiance issues, so he isn't always the most obediant child. I would have had DS wait in the hallway and called to him every minute or so to make sure he was still there -- which was exactly what I did when I took the kids to the pool earlier this week and DD had to use the bathroom.

 

DH talked to MIL last night on the phone and reiterated that this was never going to happen again, and if it does, she will not be allowed to be alone with the children. As DH put it, she was "more pissy than apologetic." Like a child, she said, "I've only done it once." She does not see the seriousness in what she has done, and feels remorse only over being caught. Dh only went into the car seat issue -- he didn't even discuss leaving our 6 year-old in the care of a 10 year-old at a pool with no lifeguard on duty.

 

DH feels she should be given another chance because where it's his mother, it's a difficult situation. I agree -- it is a difficult situation, and I truly do feel for him that he is put in the middle of it. He admits that if this was a friend of ours watching the kids (unless maybe it was a friend who was so absolutely clueless of the law they didn't know-- but then, would we even let someone that clueless watch the kids?) that it would be the first and last time that person baby-sat for us.

 

Back several years ago, MIL wasn't allowed to watch the kids alone due to her blatent disregard of our wishes and rules. We only let her watch the kids if FIL (who does respect our wishes and rules) was with her. I want to go back to that model for awhile, DH doesn't. I'm not talking about keeping the kids away from her. In many ways she is a good grandmother, and I think it's important that my kids have a relationship with her. I'm just uncomfortable with her watching the kids by herself due to her lack of judgement and blatant disregard of our wishes. Am I being overly-critical due to the way she has been in the past and my dislike of the woman? Are my mommy-senses correct in not wanting her left alone with the kids until she can prove to me that she isn't going to do anything stupid? If you were in my shoes, and these were your children, what would you do? I don't want to open up a whole can of nasty worms over this with her because things have been relatively calm the last couple of years. I fully understand DH's desire not to rock the boat, but still -- the idea of her watching my kids alone after this doesn't feel right to me.

[Pink Fairy]

I agree with you. You must be able to trust the people you leave your children with, and she has demonstrated some poor judgement here, in addition to having a history of directly going against what you've told her. If the children were older, and if it wasn't a safety issue, I might have a different answer.

 

I feel for your dh--he's in a tricky spot. I think you can be polite, be respectful, be kind and loving to your mil, but don't let her be the lone babysitter for your kids until you can trust her.

[freeindeed]

Wow, tough situation. You might remember that I've mentioned before on HSR that our MIL's are very similar. In your situation, I would not want my MIL watching my children, either. IMO, she not only undermined your parental authority, but she endangered your children. I know your dh doesn't want to rock the boat, but I believe it's warranted in this situation. I wish I had some really profound advice for you, but this is all I've got now.:grouphug:

[joannqn]

She wouldn't be watching my kids.

[PiCO]

I think you're over-reacting a bit. I might also, if I disliked my MIL. But she grew up in a different world- no one sat in child seats, usually they didn't even use seat belts. She has a different perspective on child safety than you do.

[DesertDweller]

I would never leave my children in the care of someone who disregarded their safety in such a way. Never. Never. Never. I'm sorry it's your MIL, but dh needs to realize there are no second chances in some situations. He needs to stand his ground. Her behavior is wrong and it could endanger your children.

[freeindeed]

I think you're over-reacting a bit. I might also, if I disliked my MIL. But she grew up in a different world- no one sat in child seats, usually they didn't even use seat belts. She has a different perspective on child safety than you do.

 

I disagree. It doesn't matter when her MIL grew up. This is today & these are Jujsky's children. I wouldn't let anyone who didn't respect my parental authority watch my children. BTW, a child can drown in less than one minute.

[mom4him]

To me the issue is even deeper than her endangering your children, not that that isn't an issue. To me she is saying to your dc that you can do way different when your mom and dad aren't in seeing/hearing range.

I would not necessarily 'rock the boat'. I would just make sure that I had other arrangements made if I needed child care. If I knew your fil was going to be present then I would possibly allow her to care for the children with the statement of, "Dad, you are planning on being present while we are gone, right?" I may even have dh have a talk with his father so fil totally understands how you feel.

[WarriorMama]

I don't think you're overreacting. Regardless of who they are, somebody who demonstrated so clearly that they would disregard my wishes - not to mention basic safety - would not be watching my kids. No way!

 

There are plenty of people who would call me a paranoid control freak for my feelings on this matter, but I'm not taking any chances with my children.

 

Can you get what you want without it becoming a battle or a fight? I wouldn't bother with the confrontation ("You can never watch the kids again!" etc)...just avoid the situation. Ask somebody else when you need a babysitter, and don't need one if she offers. Let her spend time with you guys as a family but not take the kids on her own. If she offers to babysit or take the kids somewhere, deflect it with a counter suggestion.

 

Life's too short for drama or bad feelings, but too precious to gamble with. I say keep your kids safe but do it without letting things get ugly.

[babs]

I have been married 21 years so I have a long history with my mil. We had a rocky relationship up until the last 5 years. I was as much at fault as she was. We also had safety issues with our kids and the IL's - both of them were a bit cavalier about safety. (So is DH - the apple does not fall far...)

 

Anyway, I was careful to never leave the children with them. Easier because we live several states away. It is more expensive to get sitters when the IL's are free, but a lot less expensive than a serious injury. I am a Christian and do want to submit to DH, but there are safety issues that I have to stand up for and have done so - he thanked me later. I am also careful not to leave my children with DH (unless sleeping) until they are older and have more sense - it is a huge sacrifice of time but they are worth it. He loves them but just missed the safety gene somehow. I also know it will pass as they get older and gain good sense (that I have drilled into them!) All this to say, you could make sacrifices of time and effort so that everyone is safe and loved, including DH and IL's.

 

Now, wound up in all of this you also have a less than perfect relationship with your mil. So, take your kids over and be with your mil and kids so they can enjoy each other without the stress. In my younger years I wanted her to bend to me - I so wish I could have a do over on those first 15 years. I would have worked to capture her heart. I was often angry and bitter and it diminished me. I realize now that I could not contain anger and bitterness - it spilled out into other areas that I was not wanting it to be in! If I had worked to make her feel special - to love her as I loved my friends then I am convinced it would have paid great dividends with everyone - including my dear children. They have a lesser relationship with my IL's than with my parents - that stinks for them. It could have been cozy all the way around. It would have been worth the extra effort.

 

My MIL is in very poor health - could die at any time. I am so glad she lived so that we could find a better relationship. Last time I was with her I had the chance to thank her for raising my DH to be such a fine man. No, they did not do things the way I would have then or now, but they did love us and they do love their grandkids. I am finding that in the end, love is really what matters.

 

So, I hope this helps. Perhaps it will not work for you. But, I am so much more content today than I was when I was trying to get the IL's (and others) to do things my way. It is very hard to change the people around me. I have not had much success in changing other people. But I have changed.

[mrscopterdoc]

I don't think you're overreacting. Regardless of who they are, somebody who demonstrated so clearly that they would disregard my wishes - not to mention basic safety - would not be watching my kids. No way!

 

There are plenty of people who would call me a paranoid control freak for my feelings on this matter, but I'm not taking any chances with my children.

 

Can you get what you want without it becoming a battle or a fight? I wouldn't bother with the confrontation ("You can never watch the kids again!" etc)...just avoid the situation. Ask somebody else when you need a babysitter, and don't need one if she offers. Let her spend time with you guys as a family but not take the kids on her own. If she offers to babysit or take the kids somewhere, deflect it with a counter suggestion.

 

Life's too short for drama or bad feelings, but too precious to gamble with. I say keep your kids safe but do it without letting things get ugly.

 

:iagree:

 

I have very similiar issus with my Mil so I feel your pain. :grouphug:

 

It's easier for me since I now live almost the entire country away from her. I would not risk a direct confrontaion either...it never seems to work when you talk to a brick wall. I would let her be with the kids if the Fil is there, otherwise make other arrangements.

[Apiphobic]

I have been married 21 years so I have a long history with my mil. We had a rocky relationship up until the last 5 years. I was as much at fault as she was. We also had safety issues with our kids and the IL's - both of them were a bit cavalier about safety. (So is DH - the apple does not fall far...)

 

Anyway, I was careful to never leave the children with them. Easier because we live several states away. It is more expensive to get sitters when the IL's are free, but a lot less expensive than a serious injury. I am a Christian and do want to submit to DH, but there are safety issues that I have to stand up for and have done so - he thanked me later. I am also careful not to leave my children with DH (unless sleeping) until they are older and have more sense - it is a huge sacrifice of time but they are worth it. He loves them but just missed the safety gene somehow. I also know it will pass as they get older and gain good sense (that I have drilled into them!) All this to say, you could make sacrifices of time and effort so that everyone is safe and loved, including DH and IL's.

 

Now, wound up in all of this you also have a less than perfect relationship with your mil. So, take your kids over and be with your mil and kids so they can enjoy each other without the stress. In my younger years I wanted her to bend to me - I so wish I could have a do over on those first 15 years. I would have worked to capture her heart. I was often angry and bitter and it diminished me. I realize now that I could not contain anger and bitterness - it spilled out into other areas that I was not wanting it to be in! If I had worked to make her feel special - to love her as I loved my friends then I am convinced it would have paid great dividends with everyone - including my dear children. They have a lesser relationship with my IL's than with my parents - that stinks for them. It could have been cozy all the way around. It would have been worth the extra effort.

 

My MIL is in very poor health - could die at any time. I am so glad she lived so that we could find a better relationship. Last time I was with her I had the chance to thank her for raising my DH to be such a fine man. No, they did not do things the way I would have then or now, but they did love us and they do love their grandkids. I am finding that in the end, love is really what matters.

 

So, I hope this helps. Perhaps it will not work for you. But, I am so much more content today than I was when I was trying to get the IL's (and others) to do things my way. It is very hard to change the people around me. I have not had much success in changing other people. But I have changed.

 

 

What a lovely post, Babs. Thank you for sharing.

 

To the OP, unfortunately, because she is your dh's mother and because you will be part of each other's lives for years, she does need a little more leeway. It's wonderful that she took your kids to the pool. There are some grandparents who wouldn't.

 

I really hope you're able to find a satisfactory solution for everyone involved. Good luck!

[hornblower]

IMO, your responsibility to the welfare of your kids trumps anything else. This is the time when mothers are supposed to do the wild tiger mom thing & protect their cubs. I don't know why that all of a sudden has become out of fashion & instead we're supposed to appease extended family, friends, neighbours etc etc.

 

I would not leave the kids with her again - not until the kids are quite a bit older.

[Danestress]

that she's not watching the children again. I just wouldn't let her. I would always have something else lined up first. If they were going with me (like to move) I would say, "Oh no, our friends really want the kids to come." I would try to find another family to maybe exchange sitting with, or find a sitter who your children really like, and just always have an excuse - the kids want to be with their friends, the favorite sitter was hired and then counts on the income, etc.

 

I'd invite my in-laws over a lot and make sure that they got a lot of time with the children, but I wouldn't leave them alone with her until they are old enough to be reliable.

 

I can't see any reason (well, except being scrupulously honest) to actually say, "You can't be trusted with the children." I just would arrange so that it doesn't happen.

[johnandtinagilbert]

that she's not watching the children again. I just wouldn't let her. I would always have something else lined up first. If they were going with me (like to move) I would say, "Oh no, our friends really want the kids to come." I would try to find another family to maybe exchange sitting with, or find a sitter who your children really like, and just always have an excuse - the kids want to be with their friends, the favorite sitter was hired and then counts on the income, etc.

 

I'd invite my in-laws over a lot and make sure that they got a lot of time with the children, but I wouldn't leave them alone with her until they are old enough to be reliable.

 

I can't see any reason (well, except being scrupulously honest) to actually say, "You can't be trusted with the children." I just would arrange so that it doesn't happen.

:iagree: You don't have to rock the boat, just don't ask for her help. Everyone's standards for safety are different, so for *me* the car ride to the pool would not have been a big deal. Leaving him at the pool, considering

He has sensory issues and some defiance issues, so he isn't always the most obediant child.

would be a problem, not b/c of the leaving, but b/c of ds's issues. I wonder if she does not have those issues with ds?

 

If you do decide to leave them with her, I'd go over a very specific list of things regarding your children. Make your wishes known each and every time they will be alone with her. Do say by saying, I realize we have different perspectives, but I must insist you respect our wishes. Each time she disrespects you she is teaching dc to do the same and that is not okay.

JMHO,

[katemary63]

I think you're over-reacting a bit. I might also, if I disliked my MIL. But she grew up in a different world- no one sat in child seats, usually they didn't even use seat belts. She has a different perspective on child safety than you do.

 

Ah...no. It's not the point that MIL grew up in a different world and doesn't agree or understand. The point is that she was told what the rules were by the parents of the children and she disreguarded them. I wouldn't hold her accountable if we had never disgussed it. Things WERE different for her. But if I told her no and she did it anyway - that'd be the end of her watching my kids.

 

I actually did this with my MIL. She babysat my oldest DD at age 6 mos at which time DD had only had breatmilk, baby cereal and bananas to eat. I was just starting her on solids. I told her those were the ONLY things she was allowed to feed my baby. I gave her a supply of all and directions for feeding. When I got home my darling baby threw up in my hand. Was I suprised to find a piece of a Ruffles potato chip and a chunk of SAUSAGE!?! The thing is, when HER kids were age 6 months, she fed them all kinds of things. She thought my ideas were silly so she disreguarded them. That was the last time she cared for one of my babies alone.

[katemary63]

I can't see any reason....to actually say, "You can't be trusted with the children." I just would arrange so that it doesn't happen.

 

:iagree:

[jujsky]

Thank you all for the replies. Freeindeed, thank you for jumping to my defense :) I am completely fine hearing that I might be over-reacting though. With my temperament and history with MIL, I know there are times that I do, and wanted to hear if maybe this was one of those times. I knew I'd get a variety of answers here which is why I asked on this board.

 

Babs, thank you for sharing your story. I won't go into all of the things MIL has said/done, but I do try with her. I know I don't always try hard enough, and I know sometimes my own hurt feelings get in the way, but it's something I'm constantly working at. To her credit, she tries with me as well. We are 2 very different people with different values, preferences, interests, and personalities. As I'm sure you can understand, it is very difficult.

 

I am going to have another talk with DH tonight, and see if I can get him to agree to avoid leaving the kids with just his mom if at all possible. Many of you suggested not confronting her. I will try that. She's very bull-headed and direct, so that will only work for so long. If she offers to watch the kids, she won't be satisfied with, "Thank you, but we're all set." She'll want to know who is watching them, and she'll want to know why we didn't ask her.

 

I coached my kids about what to do if anyone ever wants them to get in a car without car seats again, and thanked them for telling me. I didn't bash their grandmother, and instead told them that different people have different rules, and Babushka probably didn't know our safety rules (even though she does, I don't let my dislike for MIL spill over to my kids). I told them that if anyone wants them to do that again, they are not to get into the car, and they are to tell the adult in charge of them that they aren't allowed to ride without car seats, and they need to call their parents and talk to them about it.

 

I do need to address the whole leaving DS at the pool with a 10 year-old issue. While that was poor judgment on her part, I feel it was more of an innocent mistake than anything else. She will probably see nothing wrong with what she did. I'll bring it up next time she wants to take him swimming. Hopefully she will take it well. If she gets offended, that will put me on the offensive and I will get snippy.

 

Thank you, ladies, for all of the opinions/support/words of wisdom!

[PiCO]

IBTW, a child can drown in less than one minute.

 

Actually, it takes 4 minutes without oxygen to cause brain damage. Not that I am in any way advocating leaving a child unsupervised around water.

 

I do think it was OK to ask a 10-yo to watch a 6-yo for 5 minutes while mil took 4-yo to the bathroom. I have a 10-yo, and she would be more than able to get an adult if the 6-yo went into the water.

[LibraryLover]

I have a very sweet MIL, so I have none of the aggravation you have. So I think I might have been OK with the car ride to the pool, since it sounds like it was right in the development where you live? The speed for the area might be minimal, the ride about a minute?, and I am hoping she had them in seat-belts, which would be legal here for a 5 & 6 yr old. (If not optimal).

 

 

The issue of the 10 & 6 yr old sitting by the pool is a little different. Were there other people around? Can the six yr old be trusted to sit out of the pool for the 5 minutes? Would the 10 yr old leave and not tell the gmother? Would the g'mother be able to hear a cry for help if the 6 yr did disobey her and go in? Can the 6 yr old swim at all?

 

 

I guess I would weigh the probable danger to the children vs the ongoing bad relationship, and how that will play out for the future. I am guessing your MIL already knows how much you value safety?

Edited August 16, 2009 by LibraryLover

[jujsky]

I wonder if she does not have those issues with ds? ,

 

Oh, no, she does. She just refuses to believe there is anything "wrong" with her grandson, bristles and then yells at me if I ever refer to him as a child who has "special needs," and although she never came out and said it, you can tell that she thought the 2+ years of therapy DS went through was a load of bunk, even though everyone else in our lives saw the difference in how DS was able to self-regulate. She refuses to acknowledge that DS has mild fetal alcohol effect (he's adopted -- I don't drink!) even though he has been diagnosed with this by an excellent neurologist. Whenever he misbehaves for her, she acts completely shocked and horrified and asks, "But why would he do this?" Uhhhh..... #1 he's a kid, and kids don't always listen, #2 he's a kid with issues that make him even less prone to listening. She tunes out any answers she doesn't want to hear.

Edited August 16, 2009 by jujsky

[PiCO]

Ah...no. It's not the point that MIL grew up in a different world and doesn't agree or understand.

 

Maybe it's not the point to you, but it is an important point to me. I don't do things I consider silly when I'm watching someone else's kids either. (I will tell them before they leave their kids, though, so they can make an informed choice.)

 

 

She thought my ideas were silly so she disreguarded them. That was the last time she cared for one of my babies alone.

 

I think one has to put up with generational differences if one wants their children to have a relationship with their grandparents. Yes, my mil fed my kids things that were not on the approved list. Yes, my mil drove around with my kids not in proper booster seats. No, my kids were not permanently damaged by this.

 

This is a decision every parent has to make. You made the decision to keep your kids safer and undermine their relationship with their grandparents. I choose to sacrifice a bit of safety and let my kids stay with the gps.

 

There is a line I would not let the grandparents cross, it's just obviously a lot closer to catastrophe than yours.

[2cents]

I think you need to go with your gut and not leave her alone with the children. The car incident alone would do it for me. She chose to disregard your wishes and took them in a car without the seats. IMO she may be angry for new limitations but she really chose that because of her own actions.

[Supertechmom]

I think you're over-reacting a bit. I might also, if I disliked my MIL. But she grew up in a different world- no one sat in child seats, usually they didn't even use seat belts. She has a different perspective on child safety than you do.

 

 

And if she had driven the children to the pool and another car had swerved and hit them??? She was told they couldn't ride in the car without car seats. It doesn't matter if it is down the street. The police would have issued citations just as quickly. It's still ILLEGAL!! I don't ever advocate anyone taking care of my children who allow them to engage in ILLEGAL activities. No matter how "innocent" it may be. IT's still against the law.

 

 

To the OP, unfortunately, because she is your dh's mother and because you will be part of each other's lives for years, she does need a little more leeway. It's wonderful that she took your kids to the pool. There are some grandparents who wouldn't.

 

 

Disagree. Grandparents do not get more leeway. They obey the rules set forth by you or they don't get to be grandparents. My Mil left my 6 year old alone with her DYING husband for a run down the street that wound up taking 30 minutes. He was on a defibrillator that at that time was going off 15-20 times a day. Ever seen someone flop around on the floor like a fish while their heart was being shocked repeatedly?? She claimed complete innocence that she didn't understand why a 6 year old shouldn't have been left ALONE with a person that could have that happen. Even though I had told her that my son was not to be left alone with someone who might crash and die. She did so anyway. Giving leeway is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

I think one has to put up with generational differences if one wants their children to have a relationship with their grandparents. Yes, my mil fed my kids things that were not on the approved list. Yes, my mil drove around with my kids not in proper booster seats. No, my kids were not permanently damaged by this.

 

This is a decision every parent has to make. You made the decision to keep your kids safer and undermine their relationship with their grandparents. I choose to sacrifice a bit of safety and let my kids stay with the gps.

 

There is a line I would not let the grandparents cross, it's just obviously a lot closer to catastrophe than yours.

 

Generational differences are one thing. Blatant disregard of parental rules is another. The op isn't undermining gp's relationship. Gp is undermining op's parental authority by allowing the kids to do things that is counter to instructions from home. If the only way they can have a relationship is by ignoring the safety of my children, then they don't deserve to have grandchildren or unsupervised visitation with them. If I can't trust them with the little things, then how can I know we can rely on them for the big things?

[katemary63]

Maybe it's not the point to you, but it is an important point to me. I don't do things I consider silly when I'm watching someone else's kids either. (I will tell them before they leave their kids, though, so they can make an informed choice.)

 

I am really sorry, no snark at all, but I just don't get the point you are making here. Can you clarify? What I was trying to say was that I wouldn't be upset about the fact that she did something like the car ride even though it was not what I would aprove of because I would take into consideration that she does come from a different time and place. What I would be upset about is that she did something with my kids that I specifically told her I did not want her to do. That is simply intolerable and I wouldn't let ANYONE take care of my kids who could not be trusted to at least TRY to follow my instructions. Ever.

 

 

You made the decision to keep your kids safer and undermine their relationship with their grandparents. I choose to sacrifice a bit of safety and let my kids stay with the gps. There is a line I would not let the grandparents cross, it's just obviously a lot closer to catastrophe than yours.

 

Just to clarify, I didn't "undermine" my kids relationship with thier grandparents. I just didn't let MIL babysit them anymore. She saw them plenty. (However, later on, we came to understand that my MIL is actually quite loony and never seeing her again would have been the better option. :D They've only been hurt by her, so, my situation is a bit extreme.) But, I was not telling the OP to cut off ties or make things strained. Just don't let MIL babysit...because she's not trustworthy. Simple.

[Cera]

I have a similar MIL.

 

I don't care when my MIL grew up or what her beliefs might be, if she is watching my kids she is following my rules.

 

I would have a very hard time having her watch the kids if she behaved as you have described because I would worry about what she was doing the entire time they were with her (and isn't at least part of the point of leaving the kids to get a break). I would also worry that she would blatantly disregard my rules and try to hide that she had done so. I think not directly confronting her but not allowing her to be around the kids alone is probably easiest and if she asks you can just tell her you were uncomfortable with her behavior and don't trust her at this time.

[WTMCassandra]

She's very bull-headed and direct, so that will only work for so long. If she offers to watch the kids, she won't be satisfied with, "Thank you, but we're all set." She'll want to know who is watching them, and she'll want to know why we didn't ask her.

 

 

Just remember, you are not required to tell her if she asks. The broken-record technique, used firmly, might help here. You should not be intimidated to leave your children with her simply because you would be grilled/punished for doing otherwise.

 

Putting all your posts in this thread together, you are dealing with a boundary-challenged person. In that light, I would ask your husband, who wants to give her another chance, "How many chances will it take?"

 

I am more disturbed about the car-seat incident because she very deliberately flouted your stated boundaries (not to mention its illegality). She threatened to do it, and the first chance she got alone with your children, she did it. That tells me this is a battle, not an oversight. And this is a battle you must win for your children's safety.

 

Grandparents do NOT get a free pass to endanger, abuse, and undermine parental authority.

 

The pool incident was just plain stupid but not as blatant from a boundary standpoint. She may have forgotten how young 10yo really is, and she may not know about this particular 10yo's issues. ETA: I'm sorry--I misunderstood--I thought it was the other child with the issues. If it's your child and she knows but does not accept/believe the issues, this incident is even more serious! How on earth would she have expected that he would be safe!

 

If just ONE of these incidents had happened to my children with a caregiver, relative or not, I would have serious reservations about letting that person care for my children again. But BOTH incidents?!?!?!? No way.

 

She will disregard, undermine, and flout your standards, even if that means conducting herself illegally, to demonstrate that she is in control and superior. She has an established pattern of behavior.

 

Why should she be given another chance under these circumstances?

 

What if she starts slipping them hundreds of dollars at a time when they are teens and whispering that they should just ignore their stodgy parents?

 

Does your husband want to wait until the stakes are her buying them violent video games, letting them see R movies, giving them lots of $$$ for cars, booze, drugs, whatever?

 

Let's just say I know whereof I speak. This will not get better magically if ignored.

Edited August 16, 2009 by WTMCassandra

[eternalknot]

We had similar situations with my MIL. I like her as a lady and woman in her own right, but I find it a challenge to be her DIL and the mother of her grandchildren.

 

To me the issue was larger than the specific problem (and there were several for us to choose from). It was that her actions modeled acceptance and even indirectly enouraged my kids to "do their own thing" if they disgreed with or just didn't see the point in following our house rules. To me, this is the issue that needs to be addressed. It's laying groundwork for problems down the line when the kids are older, and the actions more risky. I figure I'll have enough problems dealing with "normal" adolescent thoughts and behaviors, I don't feel it is positive or necessary to set the stage during their earlier childhood years.

 

Fortunately my husband understood THIS better than he did my general grumblings about his mom's latest episode (he is usually on my side). And truthfully, so did my MIL. When we explained it to her from this perspective she was very upset ... and who wouldn't be, she understandably felt attacked ... but when it simmered a bit and she genuinely thought about it, she could see our point.

 

THings are perfect, but they've improved.

[amtmcm]

 

I think one has to put up with generational differences if one wants their children to have a relationship with their grandparents. Yes, my mil fed my kids things that were not on the approved list. Yes, my mil drove around with my kids not in proper booster seats. No, my kids were not permanently damaged by this.

 

This is a decision every parent has to make. You made the decision to keep your kids safer and undermine their relationship with their grandparents. I choose to sacrifice a bit of safety and let my kids stay with the gps.

 

There is a line I would not let the grandparents cross, it's just obviously a lot closer to catastrophe than yours.

:iagree:

 

I used have these issues with my Mom and how she cared for my kids. It's not as big of a deal now that my kids are older. As Pico says, I decided to put up with the generational differences, but this is probably because I love my Mom and want her to have a good relationship with my kids. I hate to admit it, I probably would not have been as tolerant with my MIL, even though we have a decent relationship.

 

I think you have to decide what your ultimate goal is and take steps to achieve it. My ultimate goal was for my Mom to spend time with her grandchildren. I used to arrange for her to spend time with them in the evening at her home when I knew she wouldn't be driving anywhere and closed my eyes to the junk food and garbage on TV she would let them watch. I guess I figured that I turned out ok, and my kids are happy to hang out with grandma. :)

Edited August 17, 2009 by amtmcm

[amsunshine]

I'm assuming what your MIL did was illegal under the car seat laws of your state? If so, then I don't think it's relevant how she was raised or that she's of a different generation, etc. There were no seat belt laws in her day, either, but "generational differences" won't get her a free pass if she's pulled over by a traffic officer without her seat belt buckled. My MIL did a very similar thing -- she drove my dds to the pool in her complex when they were about 4 and 5 years old. She put them both in the front seat of the car and double buckled them in. :scared: Not only is this illegal in our state, but unsafe in so many ways, not the least of which has to do with the front passenger airbag. She had their carseats in the back seat of her car, and we had had numerous conversations about the necessity and legal requirements for car seats, but apparently she just didn't feel like using them and thought this would be fun.

 

I have a hard time chalking something like this up to generational differences. I agree with the others that say it's not necessary to make a stink about this, but just make sure to make other arrangements for babysitting in the future. On the other hand, make sure she gets to spend lots of time with them on visits, etc. This is a difficult situation, but really, the safety of your children is so, so important.

[tex-mex]

I think you're over-reacting a bit. I might also, if I disliked my MIL. But she grew up in a different world- no one sat in child seats, usually they didn't even use seat belts. She has a different perspective on child safety than you do.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We young moms need to look from the perspective of those who have raised kids decades ago... I also agree that you are allowing your biasness of past hurt with MIL cloud the current situation.

 

MIL will obviously not "adhere" to your rules. So, if in the future, you allow her to watch the kids... do so with some grace and mercy. She will make a mistake. My question to you is is worth creating WWIII over it and destroying any relationship with her? Obviously allowing her to drive or supervise is questionable... don't create the situation where she alone is in charge. Hire a babysitter. You need to give her one more try but with tighter boundaries. Remember, hubby loves her too... she is his mother despite the rocky relationship.

[PiCO]

And if she had driven the children to the pool and another car had swerved and hit them??? She was told they couldn't ride in the car without car seats. It doesn't matter if it is down the street. The police would have issued citations just as quickly. It's still ILLEGAL!! I don't ever advocate anyone taking care of my children who allow them to engage in ILLEGAL activities. No matter how "innocent" it may be. IT's still against the law.?

 

I didn't notice in the OP if this is illegal in her state. It's not illegal in mine the law says 4 or 40 lbs. If it's illegal, I'm with you- no illegal activities.

 

 

Generational differences are one thing. Blatant disregard of parental rules is another. The op isn't undermining gp's relationship. Gp is undermining op's parental authority by allowing the kids to do things that is counter to instructions from home. If the only way they can have a relationship is by ignoring the safety of my children, then they don't deserve to have grandchildren or unsupervised visitation with them. If I can't trust them with the little things, then how can I know we can rely on them for the big things?

 

I guess that's a matter of opinion. I can trust my mil for the big things, but not the little things- so maybe I'm coming from a different place than you.

[kalanamak]

The key point for me is that the MIL went through a phase of only being allowed to sit when FIL was around. She didn't learn from that. I suspect she won't learn from it. So, cutting slack or not, she ain't changing her ways. What she did wasn't quite like locking them out of the house so she could booze it up, but it was contrary to how you've asked her to be in the past. She thinks you are wrong, or that she is "special" or both. I really suspect she'll not change this tune.

 

You may find your hubby isn't happy when you stay home to be with the kids when he is expecting you to be somewhere else while his mother watches the kids. If you are very unlucky, he will sneak them there, like show up somewhere without them and THEN tell you he's left with his mother.

 

I have that put up, put up, put up, okay that's it mentality, only I, instead of letting that person get on my every nerve, stay away and get very indifferent. Self-reliance is a good thing, and millions get by without a MIL to babysit.

 

:grouphug:

[Pajama Mama]

My mom is in her 60s and MIL in her 70s. I remember my brother as a newborn being held on the car ride home from the hospital. I'm sure my MIL did the same. Now both of them insist on carseats for my little kids(when they were little). I agree with giving grandparents *some* leeway. But being lax on safety issues doesn't warrant an excuse. My mom and MIL know better without me telling them.

 

I do try to *look the other way* when they feed them sugar laden "foods" or buy them things that they don't really need. After all, it's their job to spoil them:glare:

[LibraryLover]

And if she had driven the children to the pool and another car had swerved and hit them

/

I think we should stick to legalities, and whether the MIL knowingly and willfully put the children in harm's way, because the what ifs are rather endless. What if they had been walking and a car swerved and hit them on the side walk? One could go on and on.

Edited August 17, 2009 by LibraryLover

[WTMCassandra]

I think we should stick to legalities, and whether the MIL knowingly and willfully put the children in harm's way, because the what ifs are rather endless.

 

I say she did knowingly and willfully put the children in harm's way, because the OP said:

 

"On top of that, she has suggested doing this once or twice in the past and we've told her that it is illegal and dangerous, and under no circumstances whatsoever are the kids supposed to get in a car without car seats. . . No. Under no circumstances. Dangerous. Illegal. No. Not happening. We explained to my MIL in no uncertain terms in the past that this was not ever going to happen, that if caught she would be charged with child-endangerment charges, and that we could possibly be investigated by child protective services for leaving our children in a dangerous situation. "

 

To me, the only remaining question is will she have a chance to do it again.

[LibraryLover]

I say she did knowingly and willfully put the children in harm's way, because the OP said:

 

"On top of that, she has suggested doing this once or twice in the past and we've told her that it is illegal and dangerous, and under no circumstances whatsoever are the kids supposed to get in a car without car seats. . . No. Under no circumstances. Dangerous. Illegal. No. Not happening. We explained to my MIL in no uncertain terms in the past that this was not ever going to happen, that if caught she would be charged with child-endangerment charges, and that we could possibly be investigated by child protective services for leaving our children in a dangerous situation. "

 

To me, the only remaining question is will she have a chance to do it again.

 

 

I can't relate because my MIL has never once put my children willfully in harm's way. So I will bow out.

[WTMCassandra]

I can't relate because my MIL has never once put my children willfully in harm's way. So I will bow out.

 

It's really hard to understand unless you've been there. It's truly mind-boggling. I am sooooo glad for you that you can't relate. (I mean that very sincerely, not snarkily.)

[LibraryLover]

It's really hard to understand unless you've been there. It's truly mind-boggling. I am sooooo glad for you that you can't relate. (I mean that very sincerely, not snarkily.)

 

 

Yep. My MIL is awesome. Not saying to be snaky, just giving credit where creidt is due. She has been much more patient with me than I could ever be with anyone. She is very open and loving. Super-relaxed and forgiving. I've learned a ton from her. I am a better person and mother because of her patience.

Edited August 17, 2009 by LibraryLover

[hornblower]

The thing I actually don't get in this discussion is the premise that when you have these disagreements you have to choose between what you think is best/safest & the relationship with the relative.

 

Honestly, if the relative can't handle having some limits imposed on what they do with my kids, then I'm not sure I want to have a close relationship with that person. Bottom line for me is that the people need to respect what I want to do with my kids. If people choose to become estranged because I ask them to follow certain rules - well, geez. That's their choice. They're choosing to disregard my authority wrt my kids.

 

Things like snacks, dessert before dinner etc are not issues for me but if they were associated with ADD bhvr for instance, then again the relative HAS to respect the family rules & not just go winging off on their own because that's what they did & "their kids turned out fine".

 

The driving thing is just a total no go. Use the car seats or mandated boosters. Period, full stop.

 

My kids, my rules. Doesn't matter who you are.

 

When I was about 4 or 5 & not a strong swimmer, a relative took me out on a rowboat. She was not a strong swimmer either. I was wearing a life jacket & it was a small, placid lake with lots of boats around. She decided to take my lifejacket off once we were in the middle of the lake, gently drifting, because she wanted me to get a nice tan. I thought my mother would walk on water to get to me - if a mother's fury could make her do that, she would have. As it was, she commandeered another boat & was out there in a flash when she saw what was happening. Her kid, her rules. But hey! I turned out fine, so it was OK, right? 'Cause I didn't drown or nothing.....

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I wouldn't let her watch my children.

 

My sister and I are totally different and raising our children in TOTALLY different ways.

 

When I watch her child, I do it her way. It's her child. End. Of. Discussion. If I didn't want to do it her way, I just wouldn't watch her.

 

I expect (and luckily receive) the same respect from her.

[skaterbabs]

Honestly, if it were me, there would NOT be a second chance. No car seats? No car, period. Disregard that simple rule and you do NOT have another chance to kill my children.

[Perry]

that she's not watching the children again. I just wouldn't let her. I would always have something else lined up first. If they were going with me (like to move) I would say, "Oh no, our friends really want the kids to come." I would try to find another family to maybe exchange sitting with, or find a sitter who your children really like, and just always have an excuse - the kids want to be with their friends, the favorite sitter was hired and then counts on the income, etc.

 

I'd invite my in-laws over a lot and make sure that they got a lot of time with the children, but I wouldn't leave them alone with her until they are old enough to be reliable.

 

I can't see any reason (well, except being scrupulously honest) to actually say, "You can't be trusted with the children." I just would arrange so that it doesn't happen.

:iagree:

 

I get along well with my mil and fil, but I had similar concerns about them watching my kids when they were little. We did not see eye to eye on the importance of safety. Several situations arose that made me very uncomfortable, and they just couldn't understand why I was upset.

 

I never told them they couldn't watch the kids, but I just didn't leave them in their care again.

[Laurie4b]

An issue with my MIL reared it's ugly head yesterday, and DH and I are not 100% in agreement as to how to handle it. Disclaimer #1: We are not fighting & this is not a husband-bashing thread. He agrees that what his mom did is wrong and he is very angry with her, as am I. Disclaimer #2: I am not religious, so while I understand and respect the Biblical view some of you hold towards obeying your husbands and submitting to their will, that is not a view held in our household. Disclaimer #3: This is more of an apology to all of you in advance. This will be long. I tend to sort out my feelings/thoughts through writing.

 

DH and I have always had a rocky relationship with his mom. I've posted about it once before here. That being said, she's not a horrible person. She's done/said a lot of hurtful things in the 10 years I've been married to DH, but I thought we had reached a mutual place of respect (certainly not "like" -- I will never actually like his mother). Because of the things she has done in the past and because of the way I handle things --I'll take a lot of grief from someone and push it aside until I eventually snap, and then every, single, little thing the person does after that will irritate me immediately and to no end -- I don't always approach situations with her impartially.

 

I was already ticked at her when the incident happened. She had given DH a hard time the night before over something else, which annoyed me to no end. She watched the kids for us yesterday because we were helping my brother and DSIL move to their first house. We didn't ask her to baby-sit. We were going to take the kids (6 and 4) with us, but she offered and DH didn't want the kids underfoot, so I told him it was fine. She showed up an hour late, so then I was in an even worse mood towards her. I had to send DH ahead since his muscles were needed a lot more than mine, and drive over once she got there. I hate being late and the ILs are chronically late -- to the point where they've missed some of the children's events. It's a huge pet-peeve of mine.

 

So when we got back from what turned out to be the shortest and easiest move in the history of the earth, I found out from the kids that MIL took them to the pool in our development -- literally a 3-4 minute walk -- in her car! They weren't in car seats. Her attitude towards it was that it was a short drive so it was no big deal. On top of that, she has suggested doing this once or twice in the past and we've told her that it is illegal and dangerous, and under no circumstances whatsoever are the kids supposed to get in a car without car seats. This is not an "I hate my MIL" issue because I told one of my favorite uncles the same thing when we visited him and he wanted to pop the kids in his jeep and take them just up the road for ice cream. No. Under no circumstances. Dangerous. Illegal. No. Not happening. We explained to my MIL in no uncertain terms in the past that this was not ever going to happen, that if caught she would be charged with child-endangerment charges, and that we could possibly be investigated by child protective services for leaving our children in a dangerous situation. There is nothing physically wrong with MIL. She walks all the time, and is a big fan of "nature walks" and other such things that I can't stand (I'm an indoors sort of gal) so it's not like she couldn't walk there -- she just didn't want to because of the heat. But seriously? A 3-4 minute walk to go to the pool where you're going to jump in and immediately cool off? In NH? I mean, it was hot yesterday, but not like Florida-hot or anything. When we expressed yesterday after the incident that she was not allowed to do that, she became nasty towards us, and said that she "couldn't" walk to the pool. We learned about the whole car thing after we were back from the move. FIL was there by that time helping DH install our floor, MIL was about to take the kids back to the pool a 2nd time, so when it came out and she got nasty towards us, FIL drove her to the pool in our car -- you know, WITH car seats for my under-age children.

 

When they got back from the pool the 2nd time, the kids were all excited that they saw a little 10 year-old boy from the street over. He's a homeschooler too, and so sweet to my kids. MIL mentioned how he "watched" Nathan, and at first it didn't click for me (I was still seething over the car). After she left, I asked the kids. Apparently, she left the 10 year-old in charge of DS while she took my DD to the bathroom. There is no lifeguard at this pool and my DS can barely swim. DD takes for-ev-er in the bathroom, so they would have been gone a minimum of 5 minutes. While this boy is mature and responsible for his age, and they weren't in the water while my MIL was gone, this is not a decision DH or I would have made. What if the boy was called home? What if DS decided he was going in the water anyway? He has sensory issues and some defiance issues, so he isn't always the most obediant child. I would have had DS wait in the hallway and called to him every minute or so to make sure he was still there -- which was exactly what I did when I took the kids to the pool earlier this week and DD had to use the bathroom.

 

DH talked to MIL last night on the phone and reiterated that this was never going to happen again, and if it does, she will not be allowed to be alone with the children. As DH put it, she was "more pissy than apologetic." Like a child, she said, "I've only done it once." She does not see the seriousness in what she has done, and feels remorse only over being caught. Dh only went into the car seat issue -- he didn't even discuss leaving our 6 year-old in the care of a 10 year-old at a pool with no lifeguard on duty.

 

DH feels she should be given another chance because where it's his mother, it's a difficult situation. I agree -- it is a difficult situation, and I truly do feel for him that he is put in the middle of it. He admits that if this was a friend of ours watching the kids (unless maybe it was a friend who was so absolutely clueless of the law they didn't know-- but then, would we even let someone that clueless watch the kids?) that it would be the first and last time that person baby-sat for us.

 

Back several years ago, MIL wasn't allowed to watch the kids alone due to her blatent disregard of our wishes and rules. We only let her watch the kids if FIL (who does respect our wishes and rules) was with her. I want to go back to that model for awhile, DH doesn't. I'm not talking about keeping the kids away from her. In many ways she is a good grandmother, and I think it's important that my kids have a relationship with her. I'm just uncomfortable with her watching the kids by herself due to her lack of judgement and blatant disregard of our wishes. Am I being overly-critical due to the way she has been in the past and my dislike of the woman? Are my mommy-senses correct in not wanting her left alone with the kids until she can prove to me that she isn't going to do anything stupid? If you were in my shoes, and these were your children, what would you do? I don't want to open up a whole can of nasty worms over this with her because things have been relatively calm the last couple of years. I fully understand DH's desire not to rock the boat, but still -- the idea of her watching my kids alone after this doesn't feel right to me.

 

I haven't read the other responses, because I wanted to be unbiased--I think you're overreacting because of stuff that has built up. I don't think either offense was egregious in the context of a different generation.

 

If it is a 3-4 minute walk to the pool, it's what--a 1-2 minute drive? Not that I would do that with kids, but just to put it in perspective, when I was growing up, we didn't even have any kind of seatbelts until elementary school at least. So she grew up and probably raised kids in an era when that wasn't even an issue. That will make it less critical from her perspective than from yours. I'm not saying she was right to disregard your wishes, but I can see a person reasonably thinking 1-2 minutes in the car is not a big deal and didn't really violate your wishes because it was so short.

 

With respect to the 10 year old watching the 6 year old, I would say that was borderline. If you don't have a kid that age, you can overestimate their abilities. And I was babysitting for hire at 11 all by myself. So again, it can be a generational thing.

 

I think in this case your husband's judgment is more reasonable. If she's a good grandmother in general, I would make it clear that the car seat issue is an absolute--no matter how short the drive, and leave it at that.

[OrganicAnn]

I haven't read the other responses. I wouldn't let her watch your kids because she doesn't hold up your standards in terms of safety. If it was she gave them candy and you didn't approved or if it was she let them stay up past their bed time, then I'd say 'Hey its grandma, she gets to get away with stuff like that' But with car seats and pool safety - NO.

 

One question. Are you sure the 10 year old boy at the pool wasn't there with a parent? If so, that would help mitigate GM leaving you son while going to the bathroom.

 

Much of the problem is the age of your kids. If they were 8 to 13, then you could train them to still follow your rules even if they are with GM. But with the ages of your kids, I'd say you guys need a new plan. You don't have to get nasty about it, just don't let her babysit until the kids are older.

 

Also it sounds like she is purposely trying to flaunt your rules in order to show you that you are wrong. That would piss me off.

[jujsky]

To clarify, driving with such young children without car seats IS illegal in NH. Also, my MIL was specifically told in the past that it was both unsafe and illegal and that she was not allowed to do that with our children.

 

Also, MIL is a horrible driver. She has been in several accidents, most of which have been her fault because she doesn't pay attention when she drives. While it is an extremely short drive (takes more time to load the kids in the car than it does to drive there --as I said, it's only a 3-4 minute walk) it is entirely possible she could have gotten into an accident. There are often cars parked on both sides of the street, so it's easier to see if traffic is coming if you're walking than it is if you're driving.

[Mandy in TN]

To me the issue is even deeper than her endangering your children, not that that isn't an issue. To me she is saying to your dc that you can do way different when your mom and dad aren't in seeing/hearing range.

I would not necessarily 'rock the boat'. I would just make sure that I had other arrangements made if I needed child care. If I knew your fil was going to be present then I would possibly allow her to care for the children with the statement of, "Dad, you are planning on being present while we are gone, right?" I may even have dh have a talk with his father so fil totally understands how you feel.

:iagree: While I don't particularly see driving to the pool within the subdivision without a carseat as a big deal, it is a big deal because they are your children, she was made aware of your rules, and she blatantly defied you. She has made it clear that she doesn't respect the rules of your home.

 

On the bright side, at least she wants to spend time with her grandkids!

HTH-

Mandy

[Mandy in TN]

I wouldn't let her watch my children.

 

My sister and I are totally different and raising our children in TOTALLY different ways.

 

When I watch her child, I do it her way. It's her child. End. Of. Discussion. If I didn't want to do it her way, I just wouldn't watch her.

 

I expect (and luckily receive) the same respect from her.

 

And this is a great example of how it should work!

Mandy

[Mandy in TN]

Wellll...

 

After reading all the replies, I would like to add that in my book grandma time is free from all food and bedtime rules. Grandma's are also free to purchase anything they want to for their little darlings with the understanding that these purchases may need to be left at grandma's house for use only during grandma time. Only on extreme issues do I assert my parenting into grandma time. In all other instances grandma is the parent (my parent, dh's parent) and they are therefore afforded a certain amount of respect as a parent. I hope my dc do the same for me.

 

Mandy

[katemary63]

Wellll...

 

After reading all the replies, I would like to add that in my book grandma time is free from all food and bedtime rules. Grandma's are also free to purchase anything they want to for their little darlings with the understanding that these purchases may need to be left at grandma's house for use only during grandma time. Only on extreme issues do I assert my parenting into grandma time. In all other instances grandma is the parent (my parent, dh's parent) and they are therefore afforded a certain amount of respect as a parent. I hope my dc do the same for me.

 

Mandy

 

This is awesome and you are so lucky (blessed?). I agree with what you say here under most conditions and I truly hope my kids see it this way with ME! However, my DH barely survived his childhood with MIL and is emotionally damaged because of it. She is a complete loon. I could never take this attitude with her. I shield my kids from her like I would shield them from a burning fire, and rightly so. Not everybody has the luxury to safetly do as you describe. And lots of people are somewhere in the middle.

Edited August 17, 2009 by katemary63