Cathy in IL Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Yesterday I found myself wondering how to summarize 9 years of life in an hour and a half. It can't be done. My dd is 10. She has been mine since she was a toddler when her birthmom left her with a friend and never returned. There had been no contact in nine and a half years. A couple years ago, my dd's older biological sister searched for her and they met. Her sister is twenty years older than my dd and the relationship has been positive. The sister had answered many questions we had and even gave us pictures of my dd as a newborn and pictures of their birthmom. Until this week, that was all my dd knew of her birthmom. This week, my dd's other older sister came into town and they were able to meet. This sister is in college and seems to be doing well. In anticipation of their meeting, my dd started asking questions about her bio mom. I asked her if she wanted to meet her. She said she would, but that she didn't think her bio mom would want to see her. I felt it was really important that she be able to visit with her, so I asked her older sister to arrange it. None of us felt it would be good for the biomom to have my dds contact iinfo. Sunday after church my dd, her two sisters, and I met her biomom for pizza. My dd was very quiet. She talked with her sisters, but didn't say much to her biomom. But I think it was a positive thing overall. I was able to ask her biomom a lot of the questions my dd had and get some answers. When her biomom asked my dd for her phone number, my dd gracefully replied, "Why don't you give me yours instead." It seems that all my dd really wanted was some closure in her mind about her biomom and the incidents surrounding her enterinf foster care. It seemed to mean a lot to her that I would listen to her desires and help her get the contact she needed. We talked before the visit about how nothing she said or felt would change anything about our relationship. I gave her the freedom to call biomom whatever she felt like and not worry about it because it would not hurt my feelings or change anything about our relationship. As it turned out my dd called me mommy more than she has in a long time, and didn't use a name for her birthmom at all. I think it helped solidify my dd's identity as a member of our family and fill in the gaps that were in her mind from the time before that. I guess I am started to ramble. It was just an amazing thing to be a part of that I wanted to share it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What a beautiful and generous thing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frelle Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 thank you for sharing this! I am so glad it was a positive experience! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 I love your DD's response to her biomom. What a strong girl. You are a loving mama to facilitate that so openly and willingly for your DD. :grouphug: to all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 God bless you for your wonderful, supportive attitude toward your daughter. I can say, from experience, that this is not always the case. My bio mom lost custody to my dad when I was about 5. I was raised by my dad and stepmom. Bio mom stopped visiting when I was 8. Just stopped. It was horrible. I know now that she had substance abuse problems. But as a little girl, I would sometimes cry because I missed my mommy. My dad, and especially stepmom, did not handle it well. We were told, just a few months after dad and stepmom married (when bio mom was still in my life), that we (my two sisters and I) would be calling stepmom 'mom' from now on. Also, stepmom told us nasty stories about bio mom, bad mouthed her, said things like 'I've never understood how someone who's parent abandoned them would ever want to see that parent again'. I specifically remember one night, I was crying softly in my bed because I missed my mommy. Dad came in, told me I was not allow to cry for mommy ever again; it hurt stepmom's feelings. :001_huh: Let's just say, stepmom and I do not have much of a relationship now. Sadly, neither do dad and I. I looked bio mom up when I was 17 and had moved out on my own. She didn't even recognize me; even after I told her my first name. Nothing ever came of it; I still haven't seen her since then. I gave her my contact info, she never contacted. Even though she said, when I saw her, how happy she was to see me. But, I needed to see her, to ask her the hard questions, to get some closure. Fast forward, now I am a stepmom. You better believe I bend over backwards to speak positively about stepkid's mom; reinforce her rules (or at least that stepkids should follow her rules at her house, even if ours are different); listen when dsd14 wants to complain about mom, but try to get dsd to see where mom may be coming from; befriend stepkids mom by being civil, communicating, making things as easy as I can for everyone. I always figured that the Lord had a reason for the way my childhood was. Now I know he was teaching and preparing me, even at such a young age, to be the best stepmom I can to my dear stepchildren. Sorry this got long. :001_smile: Just know that your story brought tears to my eyes, and that the little girl inside this momma (that you don't even know), says thank you, and may the Lord bless you, for being such a great mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 This makes me weep. What a poignant, beautiful gift you were able to offer your daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Glad that it turned into a good experience for all of you. And I commend you on your strength & grace in helping your daughter through all of this. Truly inspiring. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiaNKids Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What a beautiful story! :001_smile: -Tia Yesterday I found myself wondering how to summarize 9 years of life in an hour and a half. It can't be done. My dd is 10. She has been mine since she was a toddler when her birthmom left her with a friend and never returned. There had been no contact in nine and a half years. A couple years ago, my dd's older biological sister searched for her and they met. Her sister is twenty years older than my dd and the relationship has been positive. The sister had answered many questions we had and even gave us pictures of my dd as a newborn and pictures of their birthmom. Until this week, that was all my dd knew of her birthmom. This week, my dd's other older sister came into town and they were able to meet. This sister is in college and seems to be doing well. In anticipation of their meeting, my dd started asking questions about her bio mom. I asked her if she wanted to meet her. She said she would, but that she didn't think her bio mom would want to see her. I felt it was really important that she be able to visit with her, so I asked her older sister to arrange it. None of us felt it would be good for the biomom to have my dds contact iinfo. Sunday after church my dd, her two sisters, and I met her biomom for pizza. My dd was very quiet. She talked with her sisters, but didn't say much to her biomom. But I think it was a positive thing overall. I was able to ask her biomom a lot of the questions my dd had and get some answers. When her biomom asked my dd for her phone number, my dd gracefully replied, "Why don't you give me yours instead." It seems that all my dd really wanted was some closure in her mind about her biomom and the incidents surrounding her enterinf foster care. It seemed to mean a lot to her that I would listen to her desires and help her get the contact she needed. We talked before the visit about how nothing she said or felt would change anything about our relationship. I gave her the freedom to call biomom whatever she felt like and not worry about it because it would not hurt my feelings or change anything about our relationship. As it turned out my dd called me mommy more than she has in a long time, and didn't use a name for her birthmom at all. I think it helped solidify my dd's identity as a member of our family and fill in the gaps that were in her mind from the time before that. I guess I am started to ramble. It was just an amazing thing to be a part of that I wanted to share it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're daughter was able to have this experience. You are a fantastic mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 I think it's wonderful that she can know who her birth mother is and was, and know her sister, all within the safety of a caring home. It's wonderful that you've taken such good care of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 I want to say that you are AWESOME for willingly and graciously walking her through this and not fighting it or putting up walls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What a beautiful story. You sound like a wonderful mom. Your dd is blessed to have so much support from you. Thank you for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 You are AWESOME! DD is BLESSED! Thanks for sharing. Please accept all of our praise and be proud of yourself. What a great, great testimony you have to others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What a beautiful and generous thing. :grouphug: :iagree:You sound like a wonderful Mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 God bless you for your wonderful, supportive attitude toward your daughter. I can say, from experience, that this is not always the case. My bio mom lost custody to my dad when I was about 5. I was raised by my dad and stepmom. Bio mom stopped visiting when I was 8. Just stopped. It was horrible. I know now that she had substance abuse problems. But as a little girl, I would sometimes cry because I missed my mommy. My dad, and especially stepmom, did not handle it well. We were told, just a few months after dad and stepmom married (when bio mom was still in my life), that we (my two sisters and I) would be calling stepmom 'mom' from now on. Also, stepmom told us nasty stories about bio mom, bad mouthed her, said things like 'I've never understood how someone who's parent abandoned them would ever want to see that parent again'. I specifically remember one night, I was crying softly in my bed because I missed my mommy. Dad came in, told me I was not allow to cry for mommy ever again; it hurt stepmom's feelings. :001_huh: Let's just say, stepmom and I do not have much of a relationship now. Sadly, neither do dad and I. I looked bio mom up when I was 17 and had moved out on my own. She didn't even recognize me; even after I told her my first name. Nothing ever came of it; I still haven't seen her since then. I gave her my contact info, she never contacted. Even though she said, when I saw her, how happy she was to see me. But, I needed to see her, to ask her the hard questions, to get some closure. Fast forward, now I am a stepmom. You better believe I bend over backwards to speak positively about stepkid's mom; reinforce her rules (or at least that stepkids should follow her rules at her house, even if ours are different); listen when dsd14 wants to complain about mom, but try to get dsd to see where mom may be coming from; befriend stepkids mom by being civil, communicating, making things as easy as I can for everyone. I always figured that the Lord had a reason for the way my childhood was. Now I know he was teaching and preparing me, even at such a young age, to be the best stepmom I can to my dear stepchildren. Sorry this got long. :001_smile: Just know that your story brought tears to my eyes, and that the little girl inside this momma (that you don't even know), says thank you, and may the Lord bless you, for being such a great mom. I'm sorry for your pain as a child in that circumstance. What a positive outlook you have on it now though! That's an amazing story and kudos to you for your efforts towards your stepkids! God bless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnandtinagilbert Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 God bless you for being secure in your relationship and allowing your dd the space she needed to check out the situation. You are an amazing momma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Yesterday I found myself wondering how to summarize 9 years of life in an hour and a half. It can't be done. My dd is 10. She has been mine since she was a toddler when her birthmom left her with a friend and never returned. There had been no contact in nine and a half years. A couple years ago, my dd's older biological sister searched for her and they met. Her sister is twenty years older than my dd and the relationship has been positive. The sister had answered many questions we had and even gave us pictures of my dd as a newborn and pictures of their birthmom. Until this week, that was all my dd knew of her birthmom. This week, my dd's other older sister came into town and they were able to meet. This sister is in college and seems to be doing well. In anticipation of their meeting, my dd started asking questions about her bio mom. I asked her if she wanted to meet her. She said she would, but that she didn't think her bio mom would want to see her. I felt it was really important that she be able to visit with her, so I asked her older sister to arrange it. None of us felt it would be good for the biomom to have my dds contact iinfo. Sunday after church my dd, her two sisters, and I met her biomom for pizza. My dd was very quiet. She talked with her sisters, but didn't say much to her biomom. But I think it was a positive thing overall. I was able to ask her biomom a lot of the questions my dd had and get some answers. When her biomom asked my dd for her phone number, my dd gracefully replied, "Why don't you give me yours instead." It seems that all my dd really wanted was some closure in her mind about her biomom and the incidents surrounding her enterinf foster care. It seemed to mean a lot to her that I would listen to her desires and help her get the contact she needed. We talked before the visit about how nothing she said or felt would change anything about our relationship. I gave her the freedom to call biomom whatever she felt like and not worry about it because it would not hurt my feelings or change anything about our relationship. As it turned out my dd called me mommy more than she has in a long time, and didn't use a name for her birthmom at all. I think it helped solidify my dd's identity as a member of our family and fill in the gaps that were in her mind from the time before that. I guess I am started to ramble. It was just an amazing thing to be a part of that I wanted to share it. Thanksyou for sharing this. I can only pray that things will go 1/2 as good if my two ever decide they want to meet their birth mother. We too have had these children since they were just tiny. Our dd was 18mo and our ds was 6 mo the first time they came into our home. There bm had also deserted them several months earlier and they had been passed from person to person several times in that time. BM really wanted to get our dd back but she had no bonding/caring for our ds. She had tried to abort him though drinking. She had done this once before successfully. I work hard at answering their questions truthfully and as possitively as I can. It is difficult sometimes but so far has worked. I hope I will be able to be there to help them through this time if it comes and I am sure it will and to be as graceful as you have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What an incredible mom you are! This post made me cry (in a good way!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 How wonderful. Both that your dd can meet her sister and bio mom and the way that you handled this all. My son got to reconnect with his bio brother after 10 years. They had not seen each other since they were 5 and 7 when they met up again at ages 15 and 17. It is amazing that they are SOOOOO much alike. They have a great relationship now. Come to find out the brother's adoptive family had adopted 2 of dh's cousin's children and had adopted 2 of our former foster children. How is that for family ties? My girls have asked to see bio mom but we don't know where she is or if she is still living. Bio dad they will not meet but I would be OK with bio mom. They also have 6 older siblings that I would love to get in contact with but those siblings don't even know that my kids exist and they were adopted by at least 4 different families over the years. A friend of mine got her now 18dd at 5 days old in an open adoption of sorts (Eskimo village in the Artic circle so things are a little different) and is now having the bio mom (bio dad passed away) along with bio siblings coming for 2 weeks this summer for her dd's graduation. I keep telling her what a wonderful gift she is giving dd---even though it IS hard at times emotionally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Thank you for sharing. I, too, am an adoptive mother. We're infertile, so all three of my kids are adopted. Two are bio brothers. The boys we adopted at 13 months and 4 months, my daughter when she was 2 days old. I find myself at times just freaking out about how to answer the questions and all that when they really get old enough to be curious and start putting the pieces of information together. They're 6,5 and 3 right now. They all know they're adopted, but they don't really know what that means. We have honestly answered their questions, but we don't initiate conversations. Frankly, their pasts aren't pretty. But, part of the reason I don't initiate conversations with them about their adoption is that I still have that horrible fear of rejection when they realize I'm not their "real" mother. Yes, yes, I know, I know that I am their "real" mother. We have bonded and attached (sometimes I feel like they are too attached:tongue_smilie:).I know all that in my head, but somehow I can't get that knowledge into my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 I want to say that you are AWESOME for willingly and graciously walking her through this and not fighting it or putting up walls. :iagree: Your dd is blessed to have you in her life. You did an amazing thing for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What an awe inspiring experience. I can't imagine anyone handling that situation with more kindness and grace. Now, you can move forward. Congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gamommy Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 What a wonderful gift to give to your daughter! I applaud your strength and grace in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy in IL Posted June 2, 2009 Author Share Posted June 2, 2009 Thanks for all the kind words. A few years ago, I think I would have felt much more threatened about letting this meeting occur. I don't know that it would have been a good thing for dd at that time yet either. Meeting her sisters was a good place to start. It prepared me and gave my dd a positive biofamily member to connect with. My other 2 children are also adopted. My 7 year old dd has had contact with her dad since birth. He has always been appropriate with her and even treats my other 2 well. It's been a very good thing - especially since I am a single mom. Explaining homeschooling to him has been an interesting thing, but he sees dd thriving and is coming to see hsing positively. My 5 year old ds asks about his dad occasionally. He will not be meeting him anytime soon. I need to know there have been major life changes before he could be a positive influence on my ds. For now I have letters from him from the time my ds was in foster care. I have photos of him. Ironically, the dd who met her mom was the only one who didn't have pictures and letters or any visits during her fostercare time. Bethany - I am so sorry to hear of the pain you endured as a child. I am sure God is using it now to make you the kind of stepmom your stepkids need. I love how He can take those really hard things in our lives and make something good come from it. To all you other adoptive moms - It's such a journey isn't it? Each situation is so unique. I bet each of our children has their questions, or will have them. I find it challenging sometimes to be honest while still protecting their innocence. It was amazing to be a part of this process. Today I thanked my dd for letting me share this with her. I think if she had searched when she was older and out of the house, that part of her life could get segmented off. I want to be a part of it. The timing was right. Thanks for sharing in our story and our joy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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