KidsHappen Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sometimes the heartache is overwhelming. And I don't know if knowing would be any better than not knowing. I am pretty sure things are bad for him, very bad. Not sure I could handle that. On the other hand, it is horrible not even knowing where he is. I do know he is alive as I check the deceased social security list on a regular basis and his number never shows up. Given his situation the best that I could hope for is that he has been incarcerated. At least then I would know that he would be clean and getting proper medical and dental care. Maybe some rehab. It has reached a point where I am thinking about hiring a detective to look for him as soon as I can afford it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: I hope that he will come to a place in his life where he will start to reconnect to the people who love him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug: I can imagine what you are going through. Will pray for your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ibbygirl Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: I can't even imagine that pain. I'm so sorry for you. I hope and pray that your boy will come back home to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sometimes the heartache is overwhelming. And I don't know if knowing would be any better than not knowing. I am pretty sure things are bad for him, very bad. Not sure I could handle that. On the other hand, it is horrible not even knowing where he is. I do know he is alive as I check the deceased social security list on a regular basis and his number never shows up. Given his situation the best that I could hope for is that he has been incarcerated. At least then I would know that he would be clean and getting proper medical and dental care. Maybe some rehab. It has reached a point where I am thinking about hiring a detective to look for him as soon as I can afford it. That is so awful. I can't even imagine how you feel. (((KH))). My own brother has had these issues and it is heartbreaking. Can't begin to imagine if it were my own son. How much can a detective be? (I want to say "P.I."....like Magnum P.I.) But seriously, I bet you could find one who knows how to do half the work from a computer. How long ago did you last know his whereabouts? Could he be on any assistance or working that could be traced via his SS#? Also - there are a few websites out there and you can look up incarcerated people by name. Have you called around to get pricing from someone who can find him? I just can't see how it could be so expensive in this computer age. Does he have a license? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 KidsHappen, I am so very sorry. I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Many, many hugs to you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in SouthGa Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Most states have websites where you can find out if someone is incarcerated(I found my sister this way). I think there is one for federal prisons also. Sorry I don't have the link, but you can google it. My sister has given me so much heartache, and my dad, I just can't imagine it being my child. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 If it makes you feel any better.... My brother disappeared. For years, no one heard from him. Finally, my mom and I got notice from my father that my brother and his girl (not sure of marital status at the time) had had a child. Then nothing for a long time. My father did stay in contact after that time, but no one told my mom and me anything. Then my brother went to work for my dad and I looked him up online AGAIN and found him on the company website. Anyway, my point of this was that my brother had straightened up pretty early in all of this. He was with a high school sweetheart (who he is still married to). He stopped doing drugs. He got his law issues cleared up. He started a family. He bounced around jobs, but he did "well enough." His wife and him are very social, drink a bit, but hold a decent life. They just had a 2nd child last summer and seem like a great family. I don't know what the situation is with your ds. I know I've read bits and pieces but I'm bad with the memory. But sometimes this can work out. ANd sometimes it is better to have some time apart (though I think my brother overdid that part!). One thing I told my mom throughout this is that at some point, D became an adult. He was responsible for his own choices. And being fussed at for stealing family jewelry or messing with my (step)dad's motorcycle isn't what did it. And *I* was RIGHT in telling him he couldn't stay with me if he wasn't following his parole/probation (whichever it was). I had two babies and couldn't have him messing up in my home! D HAD the basics of right/wrong ingrained in him. Our lives weren't perfect and D did have a harder time, but HE was responsible for the choices he made as an adult. And it turns out he didn't do so bad taking that responsibility. So don't beat yourself up, and know that this can turn out well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kidlit Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Kidshappen, I remember when my ds had run away--you were so dear and compassionate. I've never forgotten your support. I lift your family up, along with Stephanie (her blog is Enduring With Grace) and her son, very often. I know we don't share the same beliefs, and I hope I am not offending you by saying I pray for you all. I do feel a connection, a "mother's heart" connection, with you. Please know I am sending you lots of hugs today. The letting go is like tearing flesh, and the wound is so deep. My own son has finally made a decision to be healthy, and for that, I am grateful beyond words. Know that your support helped me thru. I hope you can feel mine for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug: I am so sorry. I can't imagine that kind of pain. I will pray for you and your ds. I hope you find him soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I'm so very, very sorry. There were a couple periods of my life during which someone close to me went missing for months at a time. She was on-again off-again with drug addiction. It was absolutely awful not knowing where she was, and knowing it couldn't be good. My heart goes out to you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sometimes the heartache is overwhelming. And I don't know if knowing would be any better than not knowing. I am pretty sure things are bad for him, very bad. Not sure I could handle that. On the other hand, it is horrible not even knowing where he is. I do know he is alive as I check the deceased social security list on a regular basis and his number never shows up. Given his situation the best that I could hope for is that he has been incarcerated. At least then I would know that he would be clean and getting proper medical and dental care. Maybe some rehab. It has reached a point where I am thinking about hiring a detective to look for him as soon as I can afford it. I am so sorry this is going on. I know how hard it is. My one sister had a son that at times would disappear for weeks and it would worry her so. I will be praying for you and for him. I am assuming he uses drugs from your post. This was the case with my nephew also. Things did finally come around for them but he nearly died from an infection from a bad needle first. I guess the thing that I always look at though is he didn't die, God honored her prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Sometimes the heartache is overwhelming. And I don't know if knowing would be any better than not knowing. I am pretty sure things are bad for him, very bad. Not sure I could handle that. On the other hand, it is horrible not even knowing where he is. I do know he is alive as I check the deceased social security list on a regular basis and his number never shows up. Given his situation the best that I could hope for is that he has been incarcerated. At least then I would know that he would be clean and getting proper medical and dental care. Maybe some rehab. It has reached a point where I am thinking about hiring a detective to look for him as soon as I can afford it. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Many states have their prison list available online. Some are easier to search than others, but at least it's free. You might start with the state where you last knew he was located and then branch out to states around that one. I know this because my brother disappeared from view for quite a long time and that's how I found him. :crying: Before you begin such a search though, you need to consider whether knowing the truth will give you closure or if you're going to open yourself up for even more heartache. I know the heartache of not knowing if he's dead or alive, hurting or ok, is excruciating, but are you prepared for what may be the truth? I wasn't with my brother....or should I say with the creature I found in prison. He's not the person I grew up with and never will be (according to the pysch folks). Drugs aren't always reversible. I know the pain my sister and I went through (both my parents are gone)....and the pain we still have after much counseling about the truth.......I can't imagine the extra pain if it was one of my children. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 I have checked the sites regarding incarceration in the most probable states (many states you have to check by county) and at the federal level but nothing so far. The last I had heard from him he had broken down in AL but the police there have nothing on him and the police here did tell me they would report to me if they had news but nothing so far. I haven;t had much luck tracing a ss# for work purposes. No one in the family has heard from him either. I thought for sure he would have contacted his dad by now. I was totally shocked when he left and had no idea that he would stay out of touch for so long. I would have thought that at the very least he would have called for finacial help by now. He is 26 and left when he was 24 so he is a grown man but a mother never stops worrying. I know that he is responsible for himself but I also know that he is not capable of taking care of himself. Part of the hold up in finding a detective is I am not quite sure how to go about finding a legitimate PI. Any help in this matter would be appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Oh sweetie :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I can't even begin to imagine how awful this is for you. :crying: I have no idea how to go about finding a good private investigator, but I hope you do find a good one and you're able to get some info about your ds. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highereducation Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 KidsHappen, I will pray for a positive outcome for you and your son. I have a sister who has been estranged from our family for many years now, w/o hope of reconciliation. I have admired my mother's strength in dealing with the situation, but I also understand her heartbreak, and it is one of the most difficult things in the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Maybe you could call a reputable lawyer and ask for a recommendation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Have you tried looking him up here? http://www.peoplefinders.com/ http://www.whitepages.com/ If he has any bills in his name, he might show up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Part of the hold up in finding a detective is I am not quite sure how to go about finding a legitimate PI. Any help in this matter would be appreciated. Ask your local police department for a referral. Private investigators often work closely with the police departments so they'll know which ones are good at what they do and which ones generate billing statements. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug: Oh, that must be so heartbreaking! I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Kidshappen,I remember when my ds had run away--you were so dear and compassionate. I've never forgotten your support. I lift your family up, along with Stephanie (her blog is Enduring With Grace) and her son, very often. I know we don't share the same beliefs, and I hope I am not offending you by saying I pray for you all. I do feel a connection, a "mother's heart" connection, with you. Please know I am sending you lots of hugs today. The letting go is like tearing flesh, and the wound is so deep. My own son has finally made a decision to be healthy, and for that, I am grateful beyond words. Know that your support helped me thru. I hope you can feel mine for you. You also are always in my heart and mind. Prayers are appreciated and I always pray for your family as well. I have been so glad to hear that you son has turned a corner and I am fervently hoping it continues along this track. Not only am I so very happy for both you and your son, it gives me hope. Thanks for all the support and empathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Have you tried looking him up here? http://www.peoplefinders.com/ http://www.whitepages.com/ If he has any bills in his name, he might show up. Thanks. I will give these a shot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Dear KidsHappen, A big cyber hug!!! What a painful situation. My older brother did a disappearing act on my mother recently. At the age of fifty I thought my brother would have been more an adult, but I thought wrong.He will talk to no one in our family and no one knows why. It pains my mother to no end, and my other brother and I are baffled by the behavior too. One never stops being a mother or a sister or brother. I was wondering... If you find your son, can you just let him go knowing that he is alive and hopefully well? It would be wonderful if he matured enough in his absence to open a door to rebuilding a relationship with his family, but sometimes we are not so fortunate. Then, how does one live? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happygrrl Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I was that person. I know I caused others so much grief, but honestly I did not consciously realize that at the time. I am eternally grateful for the faithful prayers of my mother... I believe they were effective for me, but they also changed her and sustained her at a deep level. She was so full of wisdom because of them, that she knew how welcome me back in a way that furthered, rather than hindered, my recovery. My best words to you are ones of personal witness that change and closeness can happen, that no one desires the well being of your child more than God, and that the faithfulness of a mom can play a large part in the process. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisN in NY Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 :grouphug: I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I can't imagine :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Have you tried looking him up on Facebook, MySpace, etc? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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