Melinda Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 (edited) My brother is marrying his long-time girlfriend in June. All 3 of my kids are in the wedding and their wedding clothes are going to cost over $400 altogether, plus we will be driving to Chicago, paying for a hotel room, food, etc, etc. This trip will likely cost us close to $2000 when all is said and done. I got the invitation in the mail today, which includes a sheet listing 5 different registries plus a website where they have more registries listed. If I did not have to spend $400+ on the kids' clothes that will never be used again, I wouldn't think twice about buying a gift (I had planned to rent a nice cabin for a week for them as a gift). Given the situation though (and the fact that I have a sister getting married 2 weeks later who has not asked us to do anything since we will not be there -- she is getting married in Alaska) how much money is the minimum I can spend on a gift and not look cheap? Edited May 1, 2009 by Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 My brother is marrying his long-time girlfriend in June. All 3 of my kids are in the wedding and their wedding clothes are going to cost over $400 altogether, plus we will be driving to Chicago, paying for a hotel room, food, etc, etc. This trip will likely cost us close to $2000 when all is said and done. I got the invitation in the mail today, which includes a sheet listing 5 different registries plus a website where they have more registries listed. If I did not have to spend $400+ on the kids' clothes that will never be used again, I wouldn't think twice about buying a gift (I had planned to rent a nice cabin for a week for them as a gift). Given the situation though (and the fact that I have a sister getting married 2 weeks later who has not asked us to do anything since we will not be there -- she is getting married in Alaska) how much money is the minimum I can spend on a gift and not look cheap? I wouldn't spend one second worrying about looking cheap, considering they didn't spend much time considering the tackiness of putting registry information in the invitations. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 There is nothing that says you must buy a tangible gift. Let your presence be your present. And you don't need to say anything to the couple about it, either. If they can't figure out that the time and money you spent getting there and being there is enough of a gift, well...(fill in your own thought). You're doing plenty already. Keep it at that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 I wouldn't spend one second worrying about looking cheap, considering they didn't spend much time considering the tackiness of putting registry information in the invitations. :D:iagree::iagree: Your presence should be gift enough honestly since you are spending so much just to be there. I would set a budget and then go see what you can find at "bargain" stores accordingly. Maybe a lovely vase, or monogrammed something, or a photo album and frames or something relating to a hobby they share .... Sometimes you can find really lovely items for small prices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherInWI Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 No, I wouldn't. You're already paying a fortune to be supportive of them and I hope they appreciate it. However, since they included registry sheets in the invitation, they may still decide to be offended. Ugh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prudent Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 I wouldn't buy a gift. You are already spending a small fortune on their day. A wedding is a celebration, not a fundraiser. You are sacrificing big time for their celebration. Shame on them if that is not enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 If you really can't stand the idea of not having an actual wedding present, you could give them a book about marriage, a nice picture frame, a pair of matching coffee mugs or something else relatively inexpensive. You could also wait a while and send them something later. But, really, you are fine not giving them anything at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieF Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 2 yrs ago my sil and her long term partner married (they had an 8 yr old son at the time). She decided to have her wedding overseas and we (5 of us) travelled there and spent a few days in a hotel with the rest of the guests. It cost us about $2000 and so we didn't give a gift. After all the $$ we forked out we thought it was just too much and our gift was the fact that we had gone to a lot of time and trouble (and expense) to be there to share the day with them. Stephanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 My brother is marrying his long-time girlfriend in June. All 3 of my kids are in the wedding and their wedding clothes are going to cost over $400 altogether, plus we will be driving to Chicago, paying for a hotel room, food, etc, etc. This trip will likely cost us close to $2000 when all is said and done. A different perspective... Realistically, you weren't obligated to attend the wedding, and you could have declined the invitation for your kids to be in the wedding (or told your brother it would be too expensive for the kids to be a part of it.) I sympathize with the fact that the trip will be expensive, but it's not really your brother's fault that it will cost you a lot of money to attend his wedding. I'm sure it will cost him a bundle to have all of you at the reception, but I'm sure he figures that you and your family are worth the expense. Personally, I wouldn't skimp on the gift. I don't know how much money you would normally give to a close member of your family, but I would think you should give your brother the same gift that you would if he were being married locally and you didn't have to buy new clothes for everyone. Sorry if I sound harsh -- I know how you feel; I've been through similar things myself, but this is your brother and he obviously loves you a lot or he wouldn't have included your dc in his wedding. Also, if you're making the trip and going to a lot of extra expense and trouble, your brother must mean a lot to you, too. I would hate to see his feelings hurt by your not giving him a wedding gift. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 I think a gift is required; it's your brother's wedding. Proper etiquette is to give a gift if you receive an invitation. That said, you don't have to spend a fortune. I like the other poster's idea of a nice picture frame. Go to Marshalls or TJMaxx and you should be able to get something nice at a discount. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaik76 Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 A different perspective... Realistically, you weren't obligated to attend the wedding, and you could have declined the invitation for your kids to be in the wedding (or told your brother it would be too expensive for the kids to be a part of it.) I sympathize with the fact that the trip will be expensive, but it's not really your brother's fault that it will cost you a lot of money to attend his wedding. I'm sure it will cost him a bundle to have all of you at the reception, but I'm sure he figures that you and your family are worth the expense. Personally, I wouldn't skimp on the gift. I don't know how much money you would normally give to a close member of your family, but I would think you should give your brother the same gift that you would if he were being married locally and you didn't have to buy new clothes for everyone. Sorry if I sound harsh -- I know how you feel; I've been through similar things myself, but this is your brother and he obviously loves you a lot or he wouldn't have included your dc in his wedding. Also, if you're making the trip and going to a lot of extra expense and trouble, your brother must mean a lot to you, too. I would hate to see his feelings hurt by your not giving him a wedding gift. Cat I agree with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Is there anything you could make for them? (Crochet doilies, afgan, sew a quilt, etc.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 (edited) 2 Summers ago we had 6 wedding invitations and only one of them was local. We traveled twice a month all summer and into the fall as we also had 2 family reunions and our annual Bible Conference all out of state as well. And there were the showers for the above weddings. It was a very expensive summer. I started early and crocheted afghans for 4 of those weddings and we went in with other family memebers on gifts for the other ones. I do agree that putting wedding registry information in the invitation envelope is tacky, but that does seem to be the current trend. If you shop from the registries, everyone knows what you spend. I believe a gift is always appropriate, but make it something you can afford. A gift from your heart is better than just buying something from a list. Edited April 29, 2009 by KatieinMich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohdanigirl Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 A different perspective... Realistically, you weren't obligated to attend the wedding, and you could have declined the invitation for your kids to be in the wedding (or told your brother it would be too expensive for the kids to be a part of it.) I sympathize with the fact that the trip will be expensive, but it's not really your brother's fault that it will cost you a lot of money to attend his wedding. I'm sure it will cost him a bundle to have all of you at the reception, but I'm sure he figures that you and your family are worth the expense. Personally, I wouldn't skimp on the gift. I don't know how much money you would normally give to a close member of your family, but I would think you should give your brother the same gift that you would if he were being married locally and you didn't have to buy new clothes for everyone. Cat :iagree:100%. You know when I got married I read in many books that you actually have a whole year to give a present. Also, when I got married no body from my husbands side showed up with a gift and he was very embarrassed (not the case here), but it did cause an issue. It's not that you get married for the gifts, and having family there matters...but that said it cost a lot per head to have a wedding or any party now a days. I am sure you brother will understand though, either way. The economy isn't what it used to be and considering the money spent already I think anyone could understand. If you have and extra $50 - $100 now I think you could come up with something very nice. It isn't really what you spend, but the thought that you put in to it. Maybe a nice basket full of romantic things for the honey moon, or with a relaxing theme for the couple. Danielle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 After all, this is family. I sympathize. Same basic situation for me last year. I hunted for appropriate but inexpensive clothes for months, unsuccessfully, and ended up spending what felt to me like an enormous sum for things I didn't really have any other use for. And then an expensive present on top of that. But I didn't see that I had any choice. It's not like Christmas, where you can all talk about cutting back. It's once in a lifetime, and it's family. Sometimes that doesn't feel so great, but I don't really see it as optional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 I wouldn't go overboard, but a beautiful frame can be picked up relatively inexpensively. If you're crafty a handmade gift, like a quilt or ceramics would be a lovely thought. I don't think it's the actual gift giving that counts. I love getting out the glasses I got for my wedding 15 years ago and thinking, "I got those from Mr. and Mrs. ...." Or the lovely frame given to us by my dear friend's mom who has been gone several years from cancer. Every time I see that frame, I think of her. This is how I view wedding gifts. I want the couple to know that I appreciate being part of their lives as well as their celebration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 I think it depends on how your family functions. If I was in your situation I'd be RSVPing saying "Sorry Dude, won't be buying you a present because we'll have no money left, but come around some time and I'll cook you both dinner!" If it was my sister I'd say "Yeah, we're getting a present but it's er, waiting on the post!" She wouldn't believe me, but that's what she'd tell her partner so he wouldn't be offended, and she'd wait until we had enough money together to get something into the post. But that's just us. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kiddies Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Truthfully, I think you have to give a gift. I'm in the same boat as you. My only brother is getting married next month, my husband, myself and our four children are all in the wedding and I could not imagine not giving a gift. I don't think it necessarily has to be an expensive gift from their registry but you should give them something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 I cast a vote for a gift of the inexpensive, sentimental type. I think it's perfectly normal and acceptable to adjust the gift due to the expense of standing in and attending the wedding. When my 2 girls recently stood in my nephew's wedding, I found lovely dresses at an insanely cheap price on the clearance rack of a nice department store. I bought them, knowing they could be returned, and showed them to the happy couple, basically saying, "These are classic dresses in your chosen color. Please let me know if you hate them, but please also realize that liking them is in the best interest of your wedding gift." :D I would do a very nice card or mini-scrapbook, with pics of you and bro growing up and some loving comments. Maybe you could say something about the memories you have, and the memories that are being made now (especially with your kidlets participating). For a gift, possibly a nice frame with a photo of your 3 kids in their wedding togs (take the photo ahead of time). I would never, ever expect someone to travel to my wedding (or other celebratory event) and then disregard that expense when it comes to the gift. I'd be horrified, actually! When dh and I got married, my old college roomie, who had just graduated, was a bridesmaid. Her material gift was a charcoal sketch of us, unframed; it was one of our most memorable gifts and we still have it to this day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 A different perspective... Realistically, you weren't obligated to attend the wedding, and you could have declined the invitation for your kids to be in the wedding (or told your brother it would be too expensive for the kids to be a part of it.) I sympathize with the fact that the trip will be expensive, but it's not really your brother's fault that it will cost you a lot of money to attend his wedding. I'm sure it will cost him a bundle to have all of you at the reception, but I'm sure he figures that you and your family are worth the expense. Personally, I wouldn't skimp on the gift. I don't know how much money you would normally give to a close member of your family, but I would think you should give your brother the same gift that you would if he were being married locally and you didn't have to buy new clothes for everyone. Sorry if I sound harsh -- I know how you feel; I've been through similar things myself, but this is your brother and he obviously loves you a lot or he wouldn't have included your dc in his wedding. Also, if you're making the trip and going to a lot of extra expense and trouble, your brother must mean a lot to you, too. I would hate to see his feelings hurt by your not giving him a wedding gift. Cat I agree... the gift need not be expensive. But family is forever. Give the branch of peace by being the better person and doing the right thing. Your SIL will remember if you gifted or not... dont start a war over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 A different perspective... Realistically, you weren't obligated to attend the wedding, and you could have declined the invitation for your kids to be in the wedding (or told your brother it would be too expensive for the kids to be a part of it.) I sympathize with the fact that the trip will be expensive, but it's not really your brother's fault that it will cost you a lot of money to attend his wedding. I'm sure it will cost him a bundle to have all of you at the reception, but I'm sure he figures that you and your family are worth the expense. Hmmmm....I don't think I agree with this. Did the brother and partner choose the outfits for the kiddoes? If so, mom had no control over the expense. That can be an unpleasant surprise. I think it is TACKY for a couple to choose horribly expensive (and unwearable again) dresses for the female attendants to wear. Especially considering that most of the time, the bride and groom pay for the tuxedos of the the male attendants. (At least that's how it is done around here....and I did wedding photography professionally for over twenty years.) If the b & g want to really do things right, they can pay for the ladies' attire as well. I've been in a wedding where that happened. What a blessing! And...everyone understands that it costs to travel. However, if you don't think it through from a *family* perspective, a person can miss just how expensive it is. The brother and his partner can at least be cognizant of that fact. Five registries? With additional ones on a website. Sorry, they sound like 'greedy guts' as my sons would say. A small, homemade, or very personal gift is all that is required, if at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ekarl2 Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 No matter what the trend, I will NEVER understand this practice of putting registry info in a wedding invite. It's for the SHOWER invites, people! Ugh! Tacky, tacky, tacky, tacky. The only thing worse is the fill-in-the-blank thank you notes you can order to match your invites. How lazy is that? Those I saw were printed on the inside: Dear ________, Thank you so much for your gift of __________. It meant so much to us. Lovingly, ____________ ACK!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 . . . I'm afraid I would still give a gift. As others have said, it needn't be expensive. But I'd definitely give something. I'd probably work on thinking of something that is very personal but not pricey. I like the idea of making something (an afgan, for example). But, yes, I would definitely give something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 Okay...here is what we are doing. :) I am doing the exact same things for both my sister and my brother, but may send something extra to my sister because we are not spending the 10K it would cost us to go to AK, pay for a hotel, etc. 1. On Saturday, my in-laws are taking the kids for a few hours so I can go shoot some pictures of things that look like letters. I will be putting one letter picture in each spot of a 5 space picture frame and spelling their married surname. I used to be a professional photographer, so I know I can do this and not have to buy the pics. If you click the link below, you can see what I'm trying to explain. http://www.alphabetphotography.ca/index.aspx 2. I will be calling my parents, and the parents of each of my new siblings-in-law and asking them all to write letters to their child that is getting married and to send them to me, sealed. I am also going to ask them to send me a couple of baby pictures and several pictures of their child growing up (15-20 pictures, if they can). Oh, and stories to go along with each picture. I am going to make a scrapbook that starts out, "Once upon a time..." and tells each of their individual stories over the course of a few completed pages, then comes together and has a large section of prepared pages to place wedding pictures and memories in. All they will have to do is stick the pictures in and write the stories or captions to go along with the pictures. 3. I will be bringing my camera along to my brother's wedding and asking someone to send me pictures from my sister's wedding. Then, I will be making calendars featuring candid black and white pictures from the wedding for their first year of marriage. 4. I may (probably will) make a gift basket of romantic items...things like massage oil, chocolates, maybe some bubble bath, a couple of champagne flutes, and a bottle of sparkling juice (none of us drink). Is all that overkill? Is it enough? Neither couple has asked for any of this stuff or anything like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 :party: Wow, Melinda -- I would have LOVED gifts like that when I got married! Hey, who am I kidding -- I'd love them any time! You are so creative, and so generous with your time, as well. Your ideas are just incredible! I think the gifts sound absolutely beautiful, and I can't imagine that anything from those ticky-tacky multiple registry lists could ever top your ideas. Again, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penelope Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I am surprised by the responses that say not to give a gift. If it were me, I would probably give something nice, but not necessarily expensive--something personalized and where it was not obvious how much you spent on it. I agree that it is incredibly tacky to send registry info with the invitation, but I have seen that more often lately. When DH and I get such an invitation, we NEVER buy off the registry. ;) Maybe instead of a week at a cabin, an overnight at a nice hotel or B & B? I think that people who are planning a wedding are often not thinking, or even have no concept, of how much it costs people to attend their wedding. Especially a family, and all that it involves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Okay...here is what we are doing. :) I am doing the exact same things for both my sister and my brother, but may send something extra to my sister because we are not spending the 10K it would cost us to go to AK, pay for a hotel, etc. 1. On Saturday, my in-laws are taking the kids for a few hours so I can go shoot some pictures of things that look like letters. I will be putting one letter picture in each spot of a 5 space picture frame and spelling their married surname. I used to be a professional photographer, so I know I can do this and not have to buy the pics. If you click the link below, you can see what I'm trying to explain. http://www.alphabetphotography.ca/index.aspx 2. I will be calling my parents, and the parents of each of my new siblings-in-law and asking them all to write letters to their child that is getting married and to send them to me, sealed. I am also going to ask them to send me a couple of baby pictures and several pictures of their child growing up (15-20 pictures, if they can). Oh, and stories to go along with each picture. I am going to make a scrapbook that starts out, "Once upon a time..." and tells each of their individual stories over the course of a few completed pages, then comes together and has a large section of prepared pages to place wedding pictures and memories in. All they will have to do is stick the pictures in and write the stories or captions to go along with the pictures. 3. I will be bringing my camera along to my brother's wedding and asking someone to send me pictures from my sister's wedding. Then, I will be making calendars featuring candid black and white pictures from the wedding for their first year of marriage. 4. I may (probably will) make a gift basket of romantic items...things like massage oil, chocolates, maybe some bubble bath, a couple of champagne flutes, and a bottle of sparkling juice (none of us drink). Is all that overkill? Is it enough? Neither couple has asked for any of this stuff or anything like it. Melinda any ONE of those ideas is absolutely fantastic! REally, I would love each of them! Unless there is a shower gift included in the list, you really do not need to do all of them! Pick one or two and don't make yourself nuts, especially since you are doing this for two sibblings..just doing the first one is a fantastic idea all by itself and I think you would be good to go with just that one. Do you do Christmas family gifts? Save number 2 for a special date because I really love the idea! Number 2 is also wonderful and if you love to scrapbook that will be wonderful too. But really, pick one or two not the whole list! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristineinKS Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Wow, Melinda ~ I LOVE your ideas! Any of them would be absolutely wonderful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaik76 Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Okay...here is what we are doing. :) I am doing the exact same things for both my sister and my brother, but may send something extra to my sister because we are not spending the 10K it would cost us to go to AK, pay for a hotel, etc. 1. On Saturday, my in-laws are taking the kids for a few hours so I can go shoot some pictures of things that look like letters. I will be putting one letter picture in each spot of a 5 space picture frame and spelling their married surname. I used to be a professional photographer, so I know I can do this and not have to buy the pics. If you click the link below, you can see what I'm trying to explain. http://www.alphabetphotography.ca/index.aspx 2. I will be calling my parents, and the parents of each of my new siblings-in-law and asking them all to write letters to their child that is getting married and to send them to me, sealed. I am also going to ask them to send me a couple of baby pictures and several pictures of their child growing up (15-20 pictures, if they can). Oh, and stories to go along with each picture. I am going to make a scrapbook that starts out, "Once upon a time..." and tells each of their individual stories over the course of a few completed pages, then comes together and has a large section of prepared pages to place wedding pictures and memories in. All they will have to do is stick the pictures in and write the stories or captions to go along with the pictures. 3. I will be bringing my camera along to my brother's wedding and asking someone to send me pictures from my sister's wedding. Then, I will be making calendars featuring candid black and white pictures from the wedding for their first year of marriage. 4. I may (probably will) make a gift basket of romantic items...things like massage oil, chocolates, maybe some bubble bath, a couple of champagne flutes, and a bottle of sparkling juice (none of us drink). Is all that overkill? Is it enough? Neither couple has asked for any of this stuff or anything like it. Those are great gifts! How lovely! I would have adored receiving something like that when I got married! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 If I don't buy from a registry, I like to give a very practical gift. One thing I like to do is assemble a good size box of consumable household items (like a copy paper carton). Things like: napkins, paper towels, dish soap, dish scrubbers, plastic wrap, aluminum foil, ziplock bags, kitchen trash bags, air freshener, dryer sheets, floor cleaner, etc... Even if you have an established household, you're still going to need all of this stuff anyway. I'd much rather do that than a picture frame. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Great ideas Melinda! I especially love number 1. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kiddies Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I think your ideas are perfect! I love the name thing...can you do one for me for my brother's wedding this month? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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