Scarlett Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 This is true, but I will also add that the reverse is also true: that sending a child to public school will not save a troubled marriage, either. I'm not doing it to save my marriage. I don't think he would divorce me over it. I am just choosing to be softer than I normally would be....in hopes of softening the war that goes on with us over the schooling issue. The other day when he was yelling at me about it he said, 'you've done it your way for 9 years and I want to do it my way for a year.' And something else he said was, 'you won't even try it! He might do better in public school!' So.....I don't know what he is really thinking...I still maintain he is being unreasonable. NO ONE in my life (IRL) that I've told this to can believe he wants ds to go to school. They just get this perplexed look on their face and say, 'but why?' The thing is....if I persuade dh to continue letting me hs.....it will be HIS decision...and we can stop fighting about it. If I steam roll over him.....he will keep bringing it up in every fight. I want our life to be conscious living...does that make sense? I don't want to hs ds and dh be muttering, 'she is doing it but I don't want her to.' I want to be a partner with him. I won't get that without HIM being part of the decision. I still have hope that he will come around. If he doesnt....then I think it must really be important to him to 'try' it for a year. (I did catch that phrase when he said it, but I didn't comment on it....saving it for further negotiation down the road.) You are all wonderful though. Such a sense of a common cause. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Maybe you could have your dh coach a baseball team or something your son participates in this summer. That may change his mind about being like all the other boys. :grouphug: Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I still have hope that he will come around. If he doesnt....then I think it must really be important to him to 'try' it for a year. (I did catch that phrase when he said it, but I didn't comment on it....saving it for further negotiation down the road.) IMHO, school for a year isn't the worst thing that can happen. You can afterschool/summerschool the most important subjects and you probably won't even miss a beat. I would try to negotiate that you will concern yourself with keeping ds on track academically by afterschooling, dh will take responsibility for all school-related paperwork/meetings/volunteer expectations/fundraising. I would make sure that your dh gets the full impact of sending ds to ps. I would let him deal with any new discipline issues that arise, handle all the paperwork and volunteer stuff and take the fundraisers into his office to see who wants to buy overpriced candles and cookie dough to support our schools :D. Let him get a good taste of all the negative aspects that go along with ps in addition to the positive things he sees in it. Good luck! I hope you can find a solution that everyone can live with, especially your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 (edited) Well, it would appear that way. In reality, dh doesn't respond because that is just the way he is. He often ignores me. I think he answers in his head and thinks he has answered me. Or can't bear to have to tell me what he thinks. He just doesn't want to deal with it. I'm pretty sure this happens ALL. THE. TIME. around here. in fact, i got told i had known something for a YEAR - when in fact, i had no clue and truly just wanted an answer to the question i was asking. I'm glad that you are trying to change your dh's mind, but I think you're right that this isn't a hill to die on. In the end, no amount of homeschooling is going to make up to your son for the pain of having warring parents or (God forbid!) divorced parents. It's taken me over a year to realize that my kids will be better off with divorced parents than ones living like they are. As someone a few months into the process of divorce - please just know that you have the potential to hurt a friend with this attitude unknowingly. It's a huge step to take, and what "we" need is unconditional support. Trust that we have thought about and weighed the pros/cons and just being there to give hugs is what is needed. My best friends parents divorced when they were adults - both kids would tell you they wish anything they had done it when they were kids. Way less mind games and such, whereas they both feel they would still have a relationship with their dad if it had been done earlier. I know i'm off tangent here - but your words hit a nerve. While together and in love parents are the best - apart parents able to model a healthy relationship and life is way more important. ANYWAY..... ETA: Mainly what i'm trying to say, be there to listen.... talk only if they ask you too. WHile your advice and feelings might be well intentioned - it's probably not what they are after.... Edited March 31, 2009 by TraceyS/FL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 (((Tracey))) I'm so sorry my words hurt you! I wasn't thinking of any other situation than Scarlett's, and I should have realized that others might be upset by what I was saying. Just to explain, I thought that in Scarlett's case, after 25 years of marriage, she was right to believe that hsing isn't the hill for her to die on. I wanted to encourage her, because this issue seems to be causing serious problems in her marriage (though not through any fault of hers). Again, I'm so sorry that I hurt you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I agree with everyone who has said that Scarlett's dh should take on all of the ps responsibilities, but given her description of him and his personality, does anyone really think that's going to happen? My guess is that if Scarlett's dh gets his way about sending their ds to school, he's going to revel in his victory and then wash his hands of the whole thing. He will assume it's Scarlett's responsibility to do all of the school-related stuff, just as it was entirely her responsibility to do all of the homeschooling. She will be left to deal with all of the stress and with any problems that arise, and if past performance is any indication of future behavior, her dh won't want to deal with any of it. She will be back to sending emails that he doesn't bother to read. Scarlett, I really hope I'm wrong about this -- you know your dh and I don't; I'm just making assumptions based upon your past posts, and I hope I'm mistaken. Let's face it -- I'm still really hoping you'll stick to your guns and continue hsing; I don't think anyone is dying on this hill, no matter what you do, because I can't imagine that a dispute over homeschooling is enough to destroy a 25 year marriage, unless the relationship is already so dysfunctional that homeschooling isn't the reason, but is just an excuse for someone to walk out the door. (And it doesn't sound like you're in that situation at all!) Cat (getting started on my meddling early today! :D) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 IMHO, school for a year isn't the worst thing that can happen. You can afterschool/summerschool the most important subjects and you probably won't even miss a beat. I would try to negotiate that you will concern yourself with keeping ds on track academically by afterschooling, dh will take responsibility for all school-related paperwork/meetings/volunteer expectations/fundraising. I would make sure that your dh gets the full impact of sending ds to ps. I would let him deal with any new discipline issues that arise, handle all the paperwork and volunteer stuff and take the fundraisers into his office to see who wants to buy overpriced candles and cookie dough to support our schools :D. Let him get a good taste of all the negative aspects that go along with ps in addition to the positive things he sees in it. Good luck! I hope you can find a solution that everyone can live with, especially your ds. :iagree:and concentrate your efforts on keeping him spiritually strong. Maybe you could have your dh coach a baseball team or something your son participates in this summer. That may change his mind about being like all the other boys. :grouphug: Karen :iagree:Great idea. He needs to see DS around other boys, adn just see other boys in general so he actually gets a realistic view of what an 8-9 year old boy should act like. Keep us updated Scarlett. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 (((Tracey))) I'm so sorry my words hurt you! I wasn't thinking of any other situation than Scarlett's, and I should have realized that others might be upset by what I was saying. Just to explain, I thought that in Scarlett's case, after 25 years of marriage, she was right to believe that hsing isn't the hill for her to die on. I wanted to encourage her, because this issue seems to be causing serious problems in her marriage (though not through any fault of hers). Again, I'm so sorry that I hurt you! I'm glad you posted this, Mamabegood, because I wanted to be sure none of my comments have been hurtful to anyone, either, and you've given me a good chance to say I'm sorry if anything I've said has upset anyone. Like you, I have been only talking about Scarlett's situation. Personally, though, I can't imagine that this would be a "hill to die on," in terms of breaking up a 25 year marriage like Scarlett's. I think it could be a major conflict, but if it's enough to send anyone running to a divorce attorney, this is not about homeschooling. I guess any dispute over an important issue could be the "straw that broke the camel's back," but there would have to be a lot of other underlying dysfunction for one thing to lead to a divorce. That said, I am absolutely in favor of getting out of a bad marriage, and have a lot of admiration for women who are able to muster the courage to get themselves and their children out of a toxic or abusive situation. (Not talking about you here, Scarlett!) Of course, you do your best to make your marriage work, but sometimes, no matter what you do, it's not going to happen. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 :iagree:and concentrate your efforts on keeping him spiritually strong. Keep us updated Scarlett. Yes. Thank you.....That is what I will do. I'm very upset this morning. Can't get dh to budge....and I feel physically ill. I probably can't post much today without breaking board rules....:glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Yes. Thank you.....That is what I will do. I'm very upset this morning. Can't get dh to budge....and I feel physically ill. I probably can't post much today without breaking board rules....:glare: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Scarlett, I'm so sorry you're so upset and that you're feeling ill. Whenever I get really worried, I get sick to my stomach and it's miserable. I wish we could trade bodies for a few hours so I could come over there and set your dh straight for you! ;) I hope you're able to gather up a last burst of courage and tell your dh you're hsing and that's that. Otherwise, you may feel sick with worry for a lot longer than just this morning, and your ds may be in the same shape. It's a long time until school starts in the fall. I can't imagine that the April 1 deadline is set in stone, anyway. If you haven't come to a decision, I'm sure you could enroll your ds at any time. If it were a private school, things might be different, but even private schools are usually pretty flexible about accepting new students. Public schools don't have a lot of choice about when they can accept new students if they live in the district. Wish I could help you today. I can send you some hugs and prayers, though. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 FWIW Scarlett, I know that it takes more courage to abide by your husband's wishes in order to make your marriage a successful one.:grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Pray, pray and pray some more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 (((Tracey))) I'm so sorry my words hurt you! I wasn't thinking of any other situation than Scarlett's, and I should have realized that others might be upset by what I was saying. Just to explain, I thought that in Scarlett's case, after 25 years of marriage, she was right to believe that hsing isn't the hill for her to die on. I wanted to encourage her, because this issue seems to be causing serious problems in her marriage (though not through any fault of hers). Again, I'm so sorry that I hurt you! Well, i have a 17 year marriage - it's not any easier with less years. :( It's just been really hard the past few weeks for me in the friend department. I needed to say that, to just remember that sometimes a friend might just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on. It really is one of those things that on the outside you might think you know - but trust me, you won't ever understand it all.... OK, i'm cool now. I agree with everyone who has said that Scarlett's dh should take on all of the ps responsibilities, but given her description of him and his personality, does anyone really think that's going to happen? My guess is that if Scarlett's dh gets his way about sending their ds to school, he's going to revel in his victory and then wash his hands of the whole thing. He will assume it's Scarlett's responsibility to do all of the school-related stuff, just as it was entirely her responsibility to do all of the homeschooling. She will be left to deal with all of the stress and with any problems that arise, and if past performance is any indication of future behavior, her dh won't want to deal with any of it. She will be back to sending emails that he doesn't bother to read. I am pretty sure that this is what will/would happen around here. It's a valid concern. Yes. Thank you.....That is what I will do. I'm very upset this morning. Can't get dh to budge....and I feel physically ill. I probably can't post much today without breaking board rules....:glare: :grouphug: I'm not feeling so hot myself for a non-school school issue. Hang in there...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 FWIW Scarlett, I know that it takes more courage to abide by your husband's wishes in order to make your marriage a successful one.:grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Pray, pray and pray some more. You are dead right about that. That is why I am ill. I'd much rather just do it my way. Thanks for reminding me to pray. I must also remember to accept the answer I get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 You are dead right about that. That is why I am ill. I'd much rather just do it my way. Thanks for reminding me to pray. I must also remember to accept the answer I get. Oh!!! I just got this email from dh >>Just sign him up for another year of home school and we will talk about it some more. Just because he signs up doesn’t make us have to do it but it will give us time to figure it out.>>> :party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Oh!!! I just got this email from dh >>Just sign him up for another year of home school and we will talk about it some more. Just because he signs up doesn’t make us have to do it but it will give us time to figure it out.>>> :party: In response to my email to him this a.m...... >>When you refuse to discuss the issue or read any material on it, it makes me feel very disrespected. I do have many things to say about why I believe hs’ling is bests for ds9. . It hurts me that your reason for wanting him in school is to get him away from me. You told me the other day I’ve done a good job with him. So why do you want to change what is going so well? If you think he needs time away from his mother, the answer is not to stick him in a classroom with 25 other 9 year olds and one teacher. There are other options. This is not what I want and it is not what ds wants. He has done really well and I receive compliments on him from many people. There is no reason to put him in school! You are making a big mistake for no reason. 1. This shouldn’t be my way or your way….it should be what is best for ds9. I asked you to read the few pages in the book to see an opinion on socialization from a highly educated and successful author who was homeschooled. The fact that you won’t even look at any information of educational choices leads me to believe this is about what YOU want, not what is best for ds9.. 2. Ds9 is not perfect. The things *I* see that need work are disrespectful tone and thinking he is the boss of us. School will not help him with these issues. They are personality based and to some degree stem from being an only child and living with two parents who are often not good examples...but either way his character is for US to develop...not the institution of the public school system. 3. He is academically ahead of his age group. That is a fact. This will breed boredom which breeds behavior issues. Not to mention his educational potential will be stifled. 4. We will be tied to the public school schedule. This is a negative on many levels. No more trips to Silver Dollar City or vacations like this one we are taking next month. You get 3 weeks of vacation now. I thought now that ds9 is older you would probably start doing more with him. The public school schedule will hinder this. 5. Ds9 requires 10-12 hours of sleep per night. If we put him in school he will not get that amount. This leads to lower levels of attention and learning. 6. We are, after today, losing our spot in a free program. We can of course still homeschool him independently if you change your mind by the fall, but this is just ridiculous that we are losing our spot. I'm very sad that you are dismissing my opinion on this matter when I've been the one for 9 years to research and implement his education. >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Oh!!! I just got this email from dh >>Just sign him up for another year of home school and we will talk about it some more. Just because he signs up doesn’t make us have to do it but it will give us time to figure it out.>>> :party: Wow, Scarlet! Just wow! You still have hope and a commitement from your husband to TALK! I'm so happy for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Yaaaaaaaay!!!! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I'm really, really glad that he is letting you at least sign up for the VA program for now. That's fantastic. But. I find it odd that he has created all this drama and is now relenting on the last day. I think this is a very unhealthy dynamic that requires more examination. I bet you are feeling tremendous relief right now, and rightly so, but when the dust settles, I think there should be some serious talks, perhaps with a counselor present, about how this was handled. Based on the relief, it would be really tempting to go back to "business as usual," but I think it would be a mistake. And keep in mind that he is reserving the right to drum up the drama again, anytime, by saying that "we don't have to do it." I hope and pray I am offbase here. But if you've experienced this kind of drama before, or you do again, then I think you should considering addressing this marriage and communication issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Oh, Scarlett...Prayers. He may be ready to bend because you did. :grouphug: Oh!!! I just got this email from dh >>Just sign him up for another year of home school and we will talk about it some more. Just because he signs up doesn’t make us have to do it but it will give us time to figure it out.>>> :party: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I'm really, really glad that he is letting you at least sign up for the VA program for now. That's fantastic. But. I find it odd that he has created all this drama and is now relenting on the last day. I think this is a very unhealthy dynamic Ya think? ;) I think it is fairly obvious to anyone mildly interested that dh and I don't have the healtiest of marriages. It is what it is. He isn't going to go to a counselor. Heck, he wouldn't read 4 pages out of TWTM...I sure can't get him to read any marriage material. I repeat....it is what it is. However, as I said further back in the thread....I'm done strongarming him on this hs issue. He is either going to agree or I won't do it. I am sick of it being used as a button pushing topic and I'm sick of him bringing up public school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Ya think? ;) I think it is fairly obvious to anyone mildly interested that dh and I don't have the healtiest of marriages. It is what it is. He isn't going to go to a counselor. Heck, he wouldn't read 4 pages out of TWTM...I sure can't get him to read any marriage material. I repeat....it is what it is. However, as I said further back in the thread....I'm done strongarming him on this hs issue. He is either going to agree or I won't do it. I am sick of it being used as a button pushing topic and I'm sick of him bringing up public school. (((Scarlett))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hi Scarlett, I have been reading this whole thread and following along. I just wanted to say I am SO happy that he is willing to take more time to talk about it. :party:I thought your last email to him was very well written. I attended a marriage conference called "Love and Respect" (which I'm sure many of you have heard of). Anyways the "tricks" to communication between the sexes were so helpful. I had never seen my dh as a man who needs a lot of respect talk as he is more of an easy-going, back-down kind of person and I tend to steam roll over him sometimes. But since that conference it has really shown me his need to feel respected by me. So sometime even when I plan to get my way on something, if I just go about it with a tone of respect and consideration for his opinion, it goes a long way. Even if I just say things like "you have a valid point" or "you're right about that". Just like it makes me feel so much better when I feel loved and appreciated for what I do for my family. I bet when you told him you felt disrespected it hit a nerve with him and he realized he needed to examine the issue more. I hope it continues to go your way and that he will give the issue more time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Scarlett, :grouphug: How is your son doing throughout this problem? My dss would be very stressed, not knowing if they were going to continue hs'ing or go back to ps. And getting conflicting messages from mom and dad. (Saying this, not sure how much your ds is aware of what's going on) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowWhite Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I'm happy for you Scarlett. I have been following the story with great interest knowing that someday, but for the grace of God (and perhaps WITH it), I could very well face the same sort of conflict. I hope dh is able to either make reasonable conversation regarding his desires or make peace with you hs'ing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 However, as I said further back in the thread....I'm done strongarming him on this hs issue. He is either going to agree or I won't do it. I am sick of it being used as a button pushing topic and I'm sick of him bringing up public school. I think you just won your battle for this year with the magic word FREE. OTOH, if your dh does bring it up again, I'd hand him all the paperwork for enrolling in ps (here in TX, it's about 25 pages just for an hour of speech services). My guess is he won't bother filling it all out just to yank your chain. You can put the ball in his court and give him a taste of the "finest" aspects of ps. You also set the precedent that ps is his bailiwick and you will not be the parent in charge of school interaction. Inertia might well win where logic doesn't. Try not to stress too much! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 (edited) >>Just sign him up for another year of home school and we will talk about it some more. Just because he signs up doesn’t make us have to do it but it will give us time to figure it out.>>> :party: Wow, Scarlett!! I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading your post! You know, maybe your last email really had an impact on your dh. I thought it was beautifully written and very heartfelt. If nothing else, it sounds like your dh is willing to consider your feelings, and that's probably the most important thing of all. Now that dh is at least somewhat on board, it might be a good time to find out about "boy" activities you can sign your ds up for. Once you've found a few things, tell your dh you've been thinking about everything he said, and since he's agreed to another year of homeschooling, you'd really like to make it a good experience for the whole family. Let him know you don't want to leave him out of the things you and your ds do together, and invite him to look over your curriculum choices to see if he likes it. (He might not want to do that, but if you offer, you're including him in the process, and maybe he really needs that affirmation that his thoughts are important.) I really hope this is the beginning of a better time for you, Scarlett, and also that you're able to address your dh's concerns with some concrete solutions, so he won't think you're gloating about your "victory" and that you're serious about making sure your ds has the influences your dh believes are important. Maybe then, homeschooling will be a way to unite your family, rather than divide it. I'm so happy for you right now, and am so glad we won't be losing you here at the forums. I'm still pretty new here, and I feel like I "know" you better than I know most people here -- and I'd feel sad if you were gone. You're such a nice person and are obviously a great hs teacher and mom, too! Here's some happy hugs this time! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat Edited March 31, 2009 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I'm so happy for you right now, and am so glad we won't be losing you here at the forums. I'm still pretty new here, and I feel like I "know" you better than I know most people here -- and I'd feel sad if you were gone. You're such a nice person and are obviously a great hs teacher and mom, too! Here's some happy hugs this time! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat Awwww....thank you Cat and everyone else for your support. It isn't over yet, but I do feel a wee bit of hope now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 If I was you I'd be smothering him with kisses and really highlighting how happy his decision has made you. He has the power to make you happy, or unhappy, so make sure that making you happy is the more enjoyable option for him too! :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamnkats Posted April 2, 2009 Share Posted April 2, 2009 (edited) oops - nevermind. should have read to the end. good to see ds9 will be hs'd, but i'm more concerned about your stress level and decision dynamic. Edited April 2, 2009 by jamnkats Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.