When do I give up and let my dd stop playing the piano? It's been 6 years of fighting

[imeverywoman]

and really, she stinks. She is 10yo. She cannot remember the notes and has absolutely no desire to play at all. She hates the practice and the minors and majors, yet she says she'd rather play the guitar (which she'd have to pay for herself). I told her that the minors and majors are there, too.

 

She does ballet because she loves to move, and she is quite good. I just think that she should also have the benefit of a music education.

 

We cannot do only what pleases us. I hate cleaning the toilet. I hate making phone calls regarding bills/appointments/etc. I hate doing laundry. I still have to do them.

 

I'm so da*n sick of hearing what she hates. I'm even more sick of fighting with this kid. Do I let her quit piano?

 

:bigear:

[unsinkable]

My kids will stop playing when they have graduated from high school.

 

Perhaps she hates it so much b/c she isn't proficient at all yet.

 

Four years and doesn't know her notes? How much does she practice a day? The less consistent my kids are w/practice, the more miserable they are.

[Danestress]

I would tell her that she needs to take music lessons as part of your homeschool plans, but that she can pick a different instrument if she would prefer.

[Angel]

After 6 years, I think I would say that she has given it a thorough try. And if, as you say, she stinks, then it may not be her forte. Guitar would still be musical. Piano is not the only musical education out there. Out of curiousity, why would a 10yo have to pay for guitar if you are already paying for piano? Couldn't that money just transfer over?

 

My dd grumbles about her piano, but she hasn't been doing it for a year yet and I say that that isn't long enough for a thorough try. Plus she plays by ear a little and has beautiful talent that way. However, after another year, I won't torture her (or myself) if she doesn't want to continue.

[Unicorn.]

and really, she stinks. She is 10yo. She cannot remember the notes and has absolutely no desire to play at all.

 

she says she'd rather play the guitar I just think that she should also have the benefit of a music education. So why not let her play the guitar? Why must it be piano?

 

We cannot do only what pleases us. I hate cleaning the toilet. I hate making phone calls regarding bills/appointments/etc. I hate doing laundry. I still have to do them. Yes we all have to do those. We do not HAVE to play the piano though

 

I'm so da*n sick of hearing what she hates. I'm even more sick of fighting with this kid. Do I let her quit piano?

:bigear:

 

I would. She's miserable, you're miserable, and if she hates it that much, she may never gain an appreciation of it, if you push now. :grouphug: to both of you. I hope you both find peace!

[SherryTX]

Let her stop! And this is from someone that loves to play the piano.

 

After 6 years, she should have some basic understanding of music, so she has a foundation laid to move on to other instruments if she wants. Why is playing the piano better than the guitar? I play both, and I have to say that if she gets more enjoyment from the guitar than the piano, by all means, let her move to the guitar!

 

She may some day go back to the piano when it is her choice.

 

I do not believe that kids should be forced to play an instrument beyond a year. Actually, I don't think it is beneficial to force a child to play any instrument if it is a true case of them NOT liking it. Your daughter loves to dance, and is interested in the guitar. That is more than many kids would be interested in.

 

I would relax, and let it go. And I don't think the analogy of cleaning a toilet is quite accurate. If you don't clean the toilet, your risk cleanliness issues - if you don't play the piano, well you don't play the piano. It isn't the same as if your daughter wanted to give up math or grammar. Music shouldn't be a dreaded chore. That is what it sounds like it is for her now.

[dawn of ns]

 

We cannot do only what pleases us. I hate cleaning the toilet. I hate making phone calls regarding bills/appointments/etc. I hate doing laundry. I still have to do them.

 

I'm so da*n sick of hearing what she hates. I'm even more sick of fighting with this kid. Do I let her quit piano?

 

:bigear:

 

You hate doing the things you listed but they're essential to the smooth running of your house. If you don't clean the toilet, it stinks. If you don't do laundry no one has clean clothes. Playing piano is not essential. If she doesn't do it there are no bad consequences. It's optional and in fact, it sounds like it's an unpleasant option for everyone.

 

I'd let her drop it. But if you feel she still needs a lesson about doing stuff she hates, give her toilet cleaning duty.:)

[Ria]

I guess you need to reevaluate why you were having her take lessons in the first place. Was it for her to become an accomplished pianist? Or was it to teach her how to read music, understand how to keep time, etc? My guess is she's learned the basic music theory stuff. I'd let her stop. You aren't gaining anything by making her continue.

 

Ria

[Perry]

If she still hates it after 6 years I don't think she's going to change her mind. I'd have her to pick something else.

[cjzimmer1]

My mom was never able to partake in music as a child because her family couldn't afford it. So it was really important to her that my two sisters and I have music lessons.

 

My mom made us be in band for 3 years (we got to pick what instrument) and choir for 5 as well as several years of piano/organ lessons. I hated it. Really really hated it. To this day I hate participating in anything musical. I don't even really enjoy listening to music. My sisters don't like music stuff either.

 

Maybe I would have always hated music or maybe I would have learned to appreciate it, if it hadn't been forced on me. But I think having lessons forced for so many years definitely turned me off of it. Six years is more than plenty of time. If she hasn't fallen in love with it by now, she never will. I'd save your money and use it for something more enjoyable.

[profmom]

I've seen many questions about this over the years -- should I let my child quit. It's usually a tougher question because maybe the child is really good and the parent sees talent. Or, everything seemed to be going fine and now, all of a sudden, the child doesn't want to play. My dh is very good, and he is so glad that his parents didn't let him quit at one point when he didn't think he wanted to continue. OTOH, my sister-in-law (also childhood friend) always hated piano lessons and hasn't regretted quitting one bit!

 

If your dd has hated it for 6 years (and this isn't just an occasional rare mood), then I agree with the others to let her quit -- especially since you don't seem to see talent. You can let her quit without any guilt at this point -- you and she have really given it a good, long try. :)

 

Guitar is a great instrument too! If she takes lessons on guitar that include reading notes (and not just learning chords), you could have her work with some music note flash cards ahead of time. I know from experience that not being a good sight reader makes learning any song more frustrating and time-consuming.

[Guest Katia]

IMO, music is something that should be loved and enjoyed for it's beauty and the wonderful way it makes you feel. If you have driven your dd to hate it by continued forced lessons/practicing you are gaining NOTHING. And neither is she.

 

If she has an interest in music, let her change instruments. I had a dd that absolutely HATED piano. She would scream, cry and hit the keys. So she stopped piano after 1 year of lessons, and two years later started harp lessons......she is now majoring in harp performance in college. It is 'her' instrument and she LOVES it. I'm so, so, soooo glad I didn't force her to continue piano lessons.

[luna]

This issue hit our house a few months ago and I finally let my 12yodd quit violin. She never wanted to practice and seemed to get worse in her ability. She is about to start guitar lessons. My husband is a musician who started as a teenager and is gifted musically. He believes it isn't worth forcing it, the desire will come if it's there. After talking with his musician friends, the general consensus was that they hated it until middle school age, when they realized it was a passion. That being said, I wouldn't waste money on lessons if she really hates it and I'd save the "I hate this" argument for the things she absolutely must do in life! Good luck.

[Audrey]

and really, she stinks. She is 10yo. She cannot remember the notes and has absolutely no desire to play at all. She hates the practice and the minors and majors, yet she says she'd rather play the guitar (which she'd have to pay for herself). I told her that the minors and majors are there, too.

 

She does ballet because she loves to move, and she is quite good. I just think that she should also have the benefit of a music education.

 

We cannot do only what pleases us. I hate cleaning the toilet. I hate making phone calls regarding bills/appointments/etc. I hate doing laundry. I still have to do them.

 

I'm so da*n sick of hearing what she hates. I'm even more sick of fighting with this kid. Do I let her quit piano?

 

:bigear:

 

Some people are just not musically talented. You said she "stinks" after 6 years? I would guess that she simply isn't musically talented. There's really nothing wrong with that. Just as not everyone has the talent to dance proficiently, neither does everyone have the talent to play an instrument proficiently. I firmly believe that forcing lessons on people like that is doing a disservice to them.

 

You can learn to appreciate music and yet not play an instrument. If music is important to you in her education, then let her try another instrument, and if that, too, proves fruitless, then keep music in her education through a well-rounded appreciation program.

 

Don't count the last 6 years as a loss though (not saying you said that.) If, at some point in her adult life, she wants to try again, at least you have given her a start. And, if she never picks up another instrument again, at least she had some exposure.

Edited February 13, 2009 by Audrey

[imeverywoman]

Out of curiousity, why would a 10yo have to pay for guitar if you are already paying for piano? Couldn't that money just transfer over?

 

 

 

She has to purchase the guitar, not pay for the lessons. :)

[imeverywoman]

Thank you all for some wonderful words to ponder. I'm really going to mull this over and think of what is best for my dd. And what is best for her may not be what *I* want, but this is NOT about me. I do realize this.

 

Thank you. Truly, I thank you for much insight and your kindness in expressing it.

 

Humbly,

[Colleen]

Okay, I agree with what everyone else has said in that I'd let her quit piano. If she's been playing 6 years, that means she started at 4 yo, which in my opinion is too early ~ unless a child shows phenomenal early proficiency. So I do think this may be a case of too much, too soon.

 

At the same time, if she's taken 6 years of lessons and can't remember the notes, she hasn't applied herself. That, along with her incessant complaining, would bother me. And I wouldn't be comfortable sending her the message, "Okay, because you haven't tried, and because you've whined and moaned, we'll call it quits."

 

What was the purpose of having her take lessons? I think you need to answer that for yourself before deciding which direction to head. If it was purely exposure, then call it quits and that's that. If you wanted her to learn music theory/learn to read music ~ can she do that now? If not, perhaps you do want to try another instrument. But she has to be aware that complaining isn't tolerated. If she wants to switch to guitar, great! But if those lessons are, in your estimation, part of her schooling, then she needs to approach them as such.

 

Best to you, friend, as you figure it out!

[fivetails]

I would never force any type of music lessons on a child who truly disliked it. I have the opposite - two kids who love music...but I wouldn't force it, because *I* am not musical in the least (seriously) and I know how miserable I would have been if music lessons were forced on me. Or dance. I also have two left feet and no sense of beat what-so-ever. ;)

[Stacia]

Some people are just not musically talented. You said she "stinks" after 6 years? I would guess that she simply isn't musically talented. There's really nothing wrong with that. Just as not everyone has the talent to dance proficiently, neither does everyone have the talent to play an instrument proficiently. I firmly believe that forcing lessons on people like that is doing a disservice to them.

 

You can learn to appreciate music and yet not play an instrument. If music is important to you in her education, then let her try another instrument, and if that, too, proves fruitless, then keep music in her education through a well-rounded appreciation program.

 

Agreeing. Six years is a long time. If she's not into it by now, nor is she good at it, I don't thing things will improve.

 

Playing piano is not essential to life. Everyone has different skills and talents. I would help her find *her* skills and talents & spend her time honing those.

 

Fwiw, I was forced to take piano lessons for 2 years. (Also did the clarinet for a year.) My mom is a talented piano player & my sis is too. They love it. I hated it & can say I have no musical talent whatsoever. It was 2 years of torture imo. I still look back on those times as bad memories. The best thing that I can say about it is that I'm glad I know how to read music. I don't even listen to a lot of music now (prefer silence). Eventually after much trial and error, I found my 'artistic' niche (oil painting), at least when I was a kid/teen.

 

Not everyone has to be a pianist (or even a musician). Help her find her true artistic place in the world. :001_smile:

[Remudamom]

Let's see, we forced one ds to play for eight years. I haven't seen him touch a piano but once since. Been about five years. He can play guitar though. Both the girls wanted to quit at some point and we didn't let them. They are both very accomplished now, love their lessons, give lessons and look forward to recitals. Other two boys I let quit after a year. Piano was ruining our relationship. Wasn't worth it. They are both good on guitars.

[Jackie in NE]

IMO, music is something that should be loved and enjoyed for it's beauty and the wonderful way it makes you feel. If you have driven your dd to hate it by continued forced lessons/practicing you are gaining NOTHING. And neither is she.

 

If she has an interest in music, let her change instruments. I had a dd that absolutely HATED piano. She would scream, cry and hit the keys. So she stopped piano after 1 year of lessons, and two years later started harp lessons......she is now majoring in harp performance in college. It is 'her' instrument and she LOVES it. I'm so, so, soooo glad I didn't force her to continue piano lessons.

 

I have always said that some kind of music instruction will be required for my students through high school. I just believe it is very enriching, and can be a creative outlet. I believe it is excellent for brain development, and that it actually helps with math, memorization, latin, etc.

 

That said........ my oldest dd LOVES the piano, the tension of performing, practicing, all of it. Enter my 2nd dd, age 10. She tried piano for 2 years. She's actually a good little musician, and really likes picking out tunes by ear, and just dorking around. She HATED piano lessons. Hated the discipline of reading music. Loved the accolades after a performance, but just hated having to get her music "performance-ready". She started to really cry about it. That was not what I wanted. What's the point of that? It was obvious that staying that course was only going to make her hate music. So, I said, well, what would you like to do instead? You need to have some music in your life. She chose guitar. Her piano teacher at the time said she might really flourish with the Suzuki method, so that's what we're doing now.

 

Let me just tell you that my dd is back to her old self. She will sit and "play" guitar for hours. She absolutely loves it. She is 10 and has been doing this since september. Last lesson the teacher pulled out a book (it has been all "by ear" up to this point) and told dd to start reading the notes and playing a couple new songs each day out of the book. I thought "oh no, here we go..... reading music...... the honeymoon is over". But not so. Not at all. She is reading the music, and is really happy with it.

 

I think our dc need to express themselves. My 2 ds's will start next year. And I have already decided that whatever moves them is what we will do. We will start with piano, and they're both begging to do so.... but they also know that they can choose their own instrument after a while..... they can be their own person.... they can find joy in expressing who they are.... whether it's through piano, guitar, drums, voice, dance..... whatever.

 

Just my little bit .....

 

I wish you well in whatever you decide for your dd.

[Carpe Diem]

My dd started around first grade. She is in 6th grade 11.5 years old. She finally started reading the notes about 5 months ago. She has been on and off about piano. Many times saying she hated it/crying. When I pointed out to her teacher that she can not read the notes, he was surprised and a bit embarrassed. She had been playing by memory and ear. So when he finally got after her and really made sure she learned the notes correctly she started to get a bit better. This past Christmas she wanted to buy presents. I told her she could earn 5 dollars for every carol she learned to play. Wow. She really took off. I think I had to pay her 20 bucks. Now she is doing so much better.

 

Does your dc have a teacher she really likes? This seemed to help my dc. Once I started inviting our teacher to dinner and became more friendly she was more interested in piano.

 

Does your teacher have the kids do various performances for the holidays, guild, recital? Things to aim for improvement?

 

I'm not against letting your child quit. Just thought I'd post about our similar situation. Maybe something from our past can help?

 

Also, does your child have a piano? We just got a free one in time for the earning of carols and the excitement of actually getting a piano has been HUGE!

 

HTH

[orangearrow]

Let her stop! And this is from someone that loves to play the piano.

 

After 6 years, she should have some basic understanding of music, so she has a foundation laid to move on to other instruments if she wants. Why is playing the piano better than the guitar? I play both, and I have to say that if she gets more enjoyment from the guitar than the piano, by all means, let her move to the guitar!

 

She may some day go back to the piano when it is her choice.

 

I do not believe that kids should be forced to play an instrument beyond a year. Actually, I don't think it is beneficial to force a child to play any instrument if it is a true case of them NOT liking it. Your daughter loves to dance, and is interested in the guitar. That is more than many kids would be interested in.

 

I would relax, and let it go. And I don't think the analogy of cleaning a toilet is quite accurate. If you don't clean the toilet, your risk cleanliness issues - if you don't play the piano, well you don't play the piano. It isn't the same as if your daughter wanted to give up math or grammar. Music shouldn't be a dreaded chore. That is what it sounds like it is for her now.

 

 

:iagree: My parents "forced" me to take lessons well beyond my own interest. I loathed piano lessons. Absolutely loathed them. My parents finally let me quit (even though, emotionally, I'd quit a year or two before). They swore I'd regret it one of these days.

 

Twenty years later? I still don't regret it. I remember enough of the basics to teach my own kids and see if they are interested in lessons - but I'm not one bit sorry that I quit myself. It gave me more time to pursue those areas where I really DID have an interest.

 

good luck!

[TCoppock]

My son plays the flute, poorly, but it was his choice of instruments. After about 3 months he was talking about changing instruments and I put my foot down. I told him from day 1 he was committed to one full year of practice before changing. He put in his year and is now talking about changing over to the clarinet. I have no problem with him changing but again he will have to commit to one full year. That being said, if DS absolutely hated playing I would not force him to complete an entire year. 6 years is more than a sufficient attempt.

[kellycbr]

Really great advice here. I wish my Mum had read these boards when I was a kid. I was tortured with piano for years. My teacher was just plain mean, and I loathed going. I think I went to her for 6 years. By the time my parents finally listened to me, and found a wonderful teacher, I was burnt out. I can read music, but can't remember a single song.

 

Enter DS8. I found an amazing Suzuki teacher for him, and she is so positive, nice and enthusiastic. He's beaming when he plays for her. What a difference! I want my kids to find joy in music. I really don't care if they play by ear or learn to read music, I just want them to love the experience. If they love it, the rest will come.

 

Oh, and to get over the early learning curve, when DS was beginning last year, DH dangled legos and $$ as rewards for meeting certain goals. I wasn't raised that way, and certainly wasn't excited by this new type of parenting. And yes, I've been eating crow. It really helped him get thru his major frustrations, and now he just loves piano because its fun, not because he's getting another Star Wars lego. Whew!

[mamaof2andtwins]

IMO, music is something that should be loved and enjoyed for it's beauty and the wonderful way it makes you feel. If you have driven your dd to hate it by continued forced lessons/practicing you are gaining NOTHING. And neither is she.

 

If she has an interest in music, let her change instruments. I had a dd that absolutely HATED piano. She would scream, cry and hit the keys. So she stopped piano after 1 year of lessons, and two years later started harp lessons......she is now majoring in harp performance in college. It is 'her' instrument and she LOVES it. I'm so, so, soooo glad I didn't force her to continue piano lessons.

:iagree:

 

My dd quit piano about 18 months ago after playing for 3 years. She has not picked up another instrument, but she is following a passion of hers which is horseback riding.

 

Jennie

[Peela]

In TWTM I remember SWB saying that a couple of years of piano- thats 2- are important for a rounded education, classically speaking- but if after 2 years a child has no love for it, to let them quit or find another instrument.

 

I dont think it's a hill worth dying on at all. Sure, you make them do their core subjects, but their extra curriculas they should get a fair say in.

[Pamela H in Texas]

My opinion:

 

1) 2 years is the minimum for first instrument. Kid needs to have enough skill and such to know whether they like it. You can't get that in under 2 years.

 

2) 10 yr olds should be playing some sort of instrument so she must switch to something else if not playing the piano.

[imeverywoman]

If she's been playing 6 years, that means she started at 4 yo, which in my opinion is too early ~ .

 

You are right....it was too early. If only there was a do-over clause in parenting... *sigh*

 

she hasn't applied herself. That, along with her incessant complaining, would bother me. And I wouldn't be comfortable sending her the message, "Okay, because you haven't tried, and because you've whined and moaned, we'll call it quits."

 

 

THAT'S my issue!!! You hit it on the head!!!!

 

If she wants to switch to guitar, great! But if those lessons are, in your estimation, part of her schooling, then she needs to approach them as such.

 

 

That has always been my position. Music is a non-negotiable, kinda like math, English, etc. I suppose I should bend on the instrument, so long as the overall goal is being met, which is music theory and the reading of music. If it were exposure, she would DEFINITELY have met it by her countless hours of classical ballet. Thanks for helping me think 'aloud'. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Best to you, friend, as you figure it out!

 

Thanks, girl. I needed the shoulder(s). When this raising kids thing is over, we need to celebrate a job well done. Deal?

[imeverywoman]

How do I answer multiple quotes in a message? This looks like a mess! Sorry, y'all.

[imeverywoman]

they can be their own person.... they can find joy in expressing who they are.... whether it's through piano, guitar, drums, voice, dance..... whatever.

 

 

 

I needed this reminder. They are their own persons; not mirrors of me...

 

Thank you!!!

[imeverywoman]

We'll see about motivating Little Miss... :) Now comes the creative parenting challenge.....

[TraceyS/FL]

How do I answer multiple quotes in a message? This looks like a mess! Sorry, y'all.

 

YOu have to wrap the lines you want to quote in the quote tags - each one needs a start and end.

 

[ quote ] text here [ /quote ] (without the spaces). If you highlight the text then click the bubble text box up above the text entry box it will wrap it for you even!

 

Only the first one will have the persons name, that is a slightly different format.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I would let her quit. My guess that you started her too young, but that is water under the bridge. Forcing her to play at this stage is not going to make her like it. It's been six years. Let her change instruments. Perhaps, after she sees how the theory of music crosses to guitar and all the other instruments, she'll realize that it is important, and even interesting.

 

I know that parents have different ideas about how long to "force" their child to play piano. For me, it's four years. By then, the child will be proficient enough to be able to enjoy it. If they hate it at that point, especially if they have an interest in another instrument, I would let them switch. I would probably still require some sort of music instruction, but it wouldn't necessarily have to be piano.

 

ETA: I would buy her the guitar, and pay for the lessons, if she really showed an interest. If I wasn't sure, I'd have her pay for the guitar initially, and I'd tell her that I'd pay her back after ____ months, if she kept up her practice and was making good progress. I would pay for the lessons (probably cheaper than piano lessons).

Edited February 13, 2009 by Suzanne in ABQ

[Parrothead]

How do I answer multiple quotes in a message? This looks like a mess! Sorry, y'all.

See the little "Quote" button at the bottom of the messages? See the little +" button next to it? That is the one. Click the +" (plus quote) on each message you want to quote then hit the reply button. Your text box will come up with all your quoted messages in it. You have to look through the messages to see where the

end so you don't put your message in the wrong place.

 

 

Oh, let your dd quit. If you must require an instrument let her choose. I'd even go so far as to letting her take a 6 month break from any music lessons.