Facebook (etc) and the lack of direct, personal connectedness...

[Colleen]

Further verification that I'm living in the wrong era....I've had two situations this week wherein I learned of exciting news about very close friends after-the-fact because I'm not on Facebook. These are friends I would have expected to share their news directly, people who have said they aren't too into Facebook. And yet, in both cases, when I heard about their news, through other people (people who aren't as intimate with these women, but who are on Facebook), I realized I was somewhat out of the loop already. It feels strange. Yes, somewhat hurtful, if I'm honest. I guess...I don't know. Is it so old-fashioned of me to expect people to still share news directly with close friends? I mean, I've read here the laundry list of reasons why people enjoy Facebook and I understand all those reasons, even while I opt not to hang out there myself. But seriously, what is happening to personal contact any more?

Edited January 23, 2009 by Colleen

[Crissy]

I don't know...

I'm on facebook, but I still share news with friends and family first-hand.

And there is much that happens in my life that doesn't make it to facebook.

I can't imagine it being my primary means of contact.

 

My brother-in-law did send me a note this week to say, "Hey. I want to hear about the vacation," but what that really means is, "Call me!"

So we did.

[KidsHappen]

I know what you mean. I am so anti-technology. I didn't get a cell phone until my car broke down and I was stranded and my dh was out of town. Now I carry one with me in case of emergency but people get mad because I never answer my phone. I also just recently broke down and got a My Space account because it was the only was I could get pictures of the kids and grandkids. I have absolutely nothing on my My Space but it allows me to view the photos of my friends. I don't really even know what face book is and I hope I never have to figure it out.

[Audrey]

Further verification that I'm living in the wrong era....I've had two situations this week wherein I learned of exciting news about very close friends after-the-fact because I'm not on Facebook. These are friends I would have expected to share their news directly, people who have said they aren't too into Facebook. And yet, in both cases, when I heard about their news, through other people (people who aren't as intimate with these women, but who are on Facebook), I realized I was somewhat out of the loop already. It feels strange. Yes, somewhat hurtful, if I'm honest. I guess...I don't know. Is it so old-fashioned of me to expect people to still share news directly with close friends? I mean, I've read here the laundry list of reasons why people enjoy Facebook and I understand all those reasons, even while I opt not to hang out there myself. But seriously, what is happening to personal contact any more?

 

 

There's another thread referencing this kind of thing. Different context, but similar behaviour. Some people, not all, but some seem to feel that it's okay to substitute techno-relationships for actual personal relationships.

 

I don't have any answers as to why they do this. I'm not on Facebook because I don't like the idea of hanging my personal space out there. I use Twitter as part of a my job's workgroup, but not at all personally. I blog (irregularly at best) as a kind of open journal. I use forums for information and sometimes get lucky enough to find some people that I really enjoy reading/knowing.

 

But still... I don't get using any of those things in the place of communicating with my IRL friends and family. If there was something personal and important I needed to tell someone I really knew, I'd call or email something personal. I wouldn't hang it on a virtual highway sign.

 

Not quite sure where I'm going with this (forgive me, it's late), but I wonder the same thing you're wondering.

[LG Gone Wild]

Further verification that I'm living in the wrong era....I've had two situations this week wherein I learned of exciting news about very close friends after-the-fact because I'm not on Facebook. These are friends I would have expected to share their news directly, people who have said they aren't too into Facebook. And yet, in both cases, when I heard about their news, through other people (people who aren't as intimate with these women, but who are on Facebook), I realized I was somewhat out of the loop already. It feels strange. Yes, somewhat hurtful, if I'm honest. I guess...I don't know. Is it so old-fashioned of me to expect people to still share news directly with close friends? I mean, I've read here the laundry list of reasons why people enjoy Facebook and I understand all those reasons, even while I opt not to hang out there myself. But seriously, what is happening to personal contact any more?

 

 

I must be in that same era that you are in. I'll step on some toes (and I am sorry about that) but I can't help but think there is something juvenile about this need for texting, MySpace, Facebook and what not. Perhaps I am just a bore. :blush:

[Kay in Cal]

I think it depends on the closeness of the relationship. I call and talk to close friend, and arrange to see them... but I also facebook chat with them, and that's how I know a lot of what is going on. I have around 150 friend on facebook, and they really all are people I know--a few hangers on, but mostly friends, colleagues and church folks. I wouldn't call that many people to tell them my news, but I might post it for them to read... and then call and chat with good friends (or, frankly, more often, email) if they haven't called me yet.

 

I'd love to get together with every good friend once a week, but that just isn't going to happen. Even my very best friends live over an hour away, and we may only see them 2 or 3 times a month. So I understand when others rely on techno tools to keep me up to date.

[battlemaiden]

Oh for Pete's sake! Now you have me wondering what conversations and news I'm missing. :001_huh: I'm still opting out, but now I wonder....

 

I hear about facebook and other networkers mostly on these boards. Either it isn't such a big thing in my social circles, or they aren't telling me. Hmmmm?

 

I can see how it is useful to some- communication with college age children, seeing your grandbabies, etc.- but I haven't felt the need personally. Then again I am late to arrive at all things technology related. I feel like I need a shrink to analyze my phobia towards participating in anything untested by time, but there it is.

 

Have you mentioned the oversight to your friends?

 

Jo

[Kate CA]

I am sorry you were hurt, friend.

 

On one hand I understand your disappointment about not hearing their news in a personal manner--that would bother me too. On the other hand I have grown closer with people from my church and extended friend network outside my church because of FB and the chat/brief notes to one another that go on there. These are real life people that use the online interface to stay connected during the week.

 

I simply cannot keep up with the phone calls or emails I would like to make or write because I don't have the time. There were people I just didn't get to know because I couldn't really devote the time to it. FB makes that not only easier, but has really opened up these relationships when I see these ladies in person. It has been a real blessing.

 

I do know that there are some things my IRL friends not on FB are missing. That is just going to happen. Would I share something very personal like a pregnancy or something exciting like that without telling my close friends on the phone first? No, I sure wouldn't, but I would share it eventually on FB for the greater scope of friendships I have via that interface.

 

I think it is all in the eye of the beholder. It is what we make it to be--just like a blog or this board or the net. I am sorry that not everyone sees the importance of keeping up important personal relationships. FB is a tool for me, but I cannot even begin to imagine sitting in the car with a person totally devoted to texting or being ignored in a meeting due to FB! That is utter selfish nonsense to me. I do hope you someday get on FB. (There, I said it!) I spend very very little time here anymore and I miss you. :+)

[Kay in Cal]

I just started facebook in November because I ran into a colleague who couldn't believe I wasn't on board! Since I'm a pastor at a small church, I see colleagues infrequently--we all work at separate sites. After signing on, I realized that I was indeed missing out on cool events and personal info. Not so much from my very best friends, but from the occasional friends or close acquaintances that I might not talk to more than a couple of times a year--and miss the fact that thier husband had cancer, or thier daughter got married.

 

I had been pretty resistent, I still won't do MySpace because I don't like the public nature of it, but I've come to rely on Facebook to keep me in the loop. Yeah, it was my fault I was out of the loop, I could have just called everyone all the time... but I don't have time or energy to do that, you know? If we all lived in a small village I would run into the other women at the well every day and get all the latest gossip. But I live in a huge city and rarely see anyone I know outside of an arranged gathering. Facebook is my ancient-near-eastern water well.

[Kate CA]

Facebook is my ancient-near-eastern water well.

 

This is absolutely true for me too! :D

[Snickerdoodle]

What do people use Facebook for? Is it a blog? Or for chatting? I don't get it.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

On one hand I understand your disappointment about not hearing their news in a personal manner--that would bother me too. On the other hand I have grown closer with people from my church and extended friend network outside my church because of FB and the chat/brief notes to one another that go on there. These are real life people that use the online interface to stay connected during the week.

 

I simply cannot keep up with the phone calls or emails I would like to make or write because I don't have the time. There were people I just didn't get to know because I couldn't really devote the time to it. FB makes that not only easier, but has really opened up these relationships when I see these ladies in person. It has been a real blessing.

 

I do know that there are some things my IRL friends not on FB are missing. That is just going to happen. Would I share something very personal like a pregnancy or something exciting like that without telling my close friends on the phone first? No, I sure wouldn't, but I would share it eventually on FB for the greater scope of friendships I have via that interface.

 

I think it is all in the eye of the beholder. It is what we make it to be--just like a blog or this board or the net. I am sorry that not everyone sees the importance of keeping up important personal relationships.

:iagree:

[jejily]

Facebook is my ancient-near-eastern water well.

 

This is absolutely true for me too! :D

 

Same here. As a military wife, I've had the great privilege of living all over the world, and making many new friends at each new post. I usually had one very good friend from each duty station that I kept in touch with regularly through email and (before that) actual hand-written letters.* There were many other friends and very good acquaintances that I would have loved to have stayed in touch with, and did for a time, but eventually we lost our connection.

 

Through Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with many old friends, and have been able to share a bit of their lives with them. It has been a pleasure meeting up with folks I haven't seen in a long while, and may never see in person again -- high school and college classmates, former colleagues, and other folks I've met through the years. Catching up with these old friends has been one of the highlights of my FB experience.

 

I also am able to be more connected to my college-age son, who is 10 hours away from us. I get a glimpse into his life there at school, the new friends he's made, etc. It's not a clingy relationship -- we might chat on the phone once every couple weeks, and I will leave him the occasional message on his "wall" or comment on his status, to let him know I'm thinking of him.

 

And, for those friends on FB whom I also see IRL on a fairly regular basis... well, it has strengthened our bond. Kate CA said it best, so I'll quote her and say in advance, "I agree."

 

... I have grown closer with people from my church and extended friend network outside my church because of FB and the chat/brief notes to one another that go on there. These are real life people that use the online interface to stay connected during the week.

 

I simply cannot keep up with the phone calls or emails I would like to make or write because I don't have the time. There were people I just didn't get to know because I couldn't really devote the time to it. FB makes that not only easier, but has really opened up these relationships when I see these ladies in person. It has been a real blessing.

 

As for the original OP's question as to why she wasn't contacted by her friends directly with their exciting news, and instead heard it second-hand from people who had heard it on FB... I think it's a problem with the friends, not with the technology of FB. Either you're not as close a friend to them as you thought you were, or they lack social graces. Most people I know who use FB, even teenagers, would call (or text or email) close friends with their exciting news before posting a bulletin or note on FB.

 

 

 

* I'm not so good at the hand-written letters part, anymore, but wish I were. Good intentions and all that, but no follow through.

[Jenny in Atl]

To me Myspace, Facebk, blogs, etc are just fun. I like seeing photos from friends who have moved away, or getting that quick message from an IRL friend stuck in traffic. I think technology is what you make of it...

 

I don't think Face bk or texting will be the down fall of our civilization. I still feel the need for human contact and talking to friends face-to-face. Maybe those who are shy, find FB and MS a great way to interact more comfortably or for the less shy, more quickly. They just can wait to let folks know what's up.

[Highereducation]

I'm a throwback to the antique era, I guess. I have an email account but still sometimes communicate with snail mail. One of my New Year's resolutions was to cut my computer time to about 1/2 hour per day and use it mainly for hsing purposes. I also have dd on a 1/2 hour per day time limit, and she is limited to Webkinz/computer game/educational sites. I don't ever post pics and I try not to put too much personal information out there.

 

Dh is in IT and one of his fascinations is Internet security. Perhaps that has colored my perception of the hazards of using technology somewhat, but an even greater concern is the privacy factor. It bothers me (even though I know that many of the social networking sites offer the option of setting a page to private) that a random stranger can access someone's personal information for his own purposes. One of the things that shocked me in the course of following the Caylee Anthony case was the ability of amateur sleuthers to access Casey Anthony's photo accounts and MySpace pages and easily share the photos and information with all interested parties. Sure, the girl put all the information out there, but I can't help wondering if living in a society with such a glut of personal information available won't change the legal process and the basis of innocent until proven guilty. It also bothered me that people involved only on the fringes of the case had their information distributed and were, based upon what was found, the subject of much rumor and speculation. Reputations can be destroyed, and that can affect someone's future employment, etc.

 

Luckily for me, most of my friends/relatives are older and less interested in becoming involved with FaceBook, etc., so I don't have to worry about missing much, because we communicate primarily by telephone or email. I'm a dinosaur and I admit it, but I feel that the Internet is still too much of an uncharted waters situation to jump in with both feet.

 

I found it interesting that when the Obama administration was interviewing prospective employment candidates, one of the questions that was asked had to do with what websites the applicants posted on, what their screen names were, and what kind of content they had posted. The Internet has changed the world - made it smaller and much more accessible - but I don't think the true ramifications of its impact will be known for quite some time.

[Jill- OK]

I think it is all in the eye of the beholder. It is what we make it to be--just like a blog or this board or the net. I am sorry that not everyone sees the importance of keeping up important personal relationships.

 

I resisted FB for quite a while, but now, honestly, it takes the place of what this board used to be for me; a tool for some quick socialization during the day. (I still enjoy it here, guys...it's just so honkin' BIG now that most of that personal atmosphere is gone. But you all remain the best source for mommy/homeschooling info!)

 

I think you're looking at an etiquette thing, maybe mixed with a technology dependence. It's not FB's fault. It's how it's used. I can't imagine FB taking the place of real life interaction with friends that live nearby.

 

(Can I mention that I find it just a little funny that we're having this discussion...on an Internet message board, lol? I can remember a time when I thought it was weird for folks to chat with total strangers, on the Internet. Look at me now. ;-)

Edited January 23, 2009 by Jill, OK

[Jill- OK]

What do people use Facebook for? Is it a blog? Or for chatting? I don't get it.

 

...quick updates that people post on their "wall". It's like a cross between a blog and Twitter, I'd say. (Limited words)

 

The only people who can see the things you post (you can also post photos, too) are those that you 'befriend'. (Someone can send you a request, which you can accept or deny, or you can search for folks and 'friend' them).

 

But there are also groups. You can join a group (homeschoolers, scrapbookers, etc.) and 'socialize' there, just like you do, here.

[cathmom]

I bet that in the past people said, "Why does anybody need this newfangled telephone? What, letters aren't good enough anymore? They can't walk 2 blocks to my house and talk to me?" grumble grumble "downfall of civilization as we know it" grumble

 

I joined FB last summer when my oldest left for college and I love it. It is my primary means of communication with my son when he is not here.

 

As for what people do on FB, there are the status updates. People can post what they are doing right now, so I have a window into the lives of all my friends who choose to give status updates. Most of my friends are not people I talk to on the phone and wouldn't see IRL, so it actually keeps me closer to them. Your friends can then comment on your status and so that can start some interesting conversations.

 

I find that FB lessens the generation gap. Most of my son's close friends are also my friends and so I see what they are doing and what they are like. They see me as more than just his mom.

 

It has been interesting to reconnect with people from the past, especially for my dh who had fonder memories of those days than me.

 

I have been on message boards for nearly 9 years, some of which were fairly restricted in what you could and could not say. One of the things I love about FB is that nobody owns it and I can say whatever I feel like saying.

 

I haven't done any of the games, or thrown snowballs, or any of that silly stuff.

 

Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and if you talk to my dh, he will tell you that I used to tell him that the Internet was stupid!

[Apiphobic]

I've got it.

Facebook/Myspace is today's version of Show and Tell.

Heyyy, pretty neat.

Now I must go blog on myspace or write a note on fb.

:D

[Sharon in SC]

Further verification that I'm living in the wrong era....I've had two situations this week wherein I learned of exciting news about very close friends after-the-fact because I'm not on Facebook. These are friends I would have expected to share their news directly, people who have said they aren't too into Facebook. And yet, in both cases, when I heard about their news, through other people (people who aren't as intimate with these women, but who are on Facebook), I realized I was somewhat out of the loop already. It feels strange. Yes, somewhat hurtful, if I'm honest. I guess...I don't know. Is it so old-fashioned of me to expect people to still share news directly with close friends? I mean, I've read here the laundry list of reasons why people enjoy Facebook and I understand all those reasons, even while I opt not to hang out there myself. But seriously, what is happening to personal contact any more?

 

My 16yo (who does not have Facebook, MySpace, or the like) could have written this post. :-} She respects our wishes (safety based) to refrain from using Facebooks but "all the kids at church" have them and she routinely feels "left out" because they are obviously in the know on things that she is not because of their networking at Facebook. I guess, as you said, we're living in the wrong age.

 

To answer your question more directly - No, I do not feel it old fashioned to expect a close friend to share special news with you personally. I have a dear friend who does have a Facebook but I know for certain that I am the one that carries the deepest knowledge of the ongoings in her life. Your friends dropped the ball, imho.

[Sharon in SC]

I must be in that same era that you are in. I'll step on some toes (and I am sorry about that) but I can't help but think there is something juvenile about this need for texting, MySpace, Facebook and what not. Perhaps I am just a bore. :blush:

 

No toes stepped on here but I (who does not engage in Facebook/MySpace, etc) will take just a minute to concede one thing - I got texting capability added to my phone before Cmas. Honestly, I have definitely found that it works to my advantage many times. I did not think I'd use it that much (added it 'cause we have a family plan and dh/dd communicate frequently that way when he's at work). I've surprised myself. I don't use it for socializing so much but definitely appreciate the ability to briefly alert someone to something without having to tie up alot more time in speech on the phone. That (saved time) works for me. ;-D

[Karenciavo]

I'm on Facebook so it can't be bad right? :D I signed up so I could read my children's walls, but I also enjoy popping in and seeing what my friends are doing. Today I got to wish *anj* a happy birthday and LOL at Jill's plans all in a matter of minutes.

[*anj*]

I'm on Facebook so it can't be bad right? :D I signed up so I could read my children's walls, but I also enjoy popping in and seeing what my friends are doing. Today I got to wish *anj* a happy birthday and LOL at Jill's plans all in a matter of minutes.

 

LOL, Karen! I actually read this thread so that I could mention that very thing! I really, really appreciate Facebook because it allows me to keep in touch with friends like nothing else can. I must have maybe 20 birthday greetings on my Wall today, and many are from people who wouldn't have known it was my b-day, or who had long since forgotten. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

 

One dear friend used to live nearby, but moved to TN last summer. She just wrote to me and we both (semi-reluctantly) agreed that this bit of technowizardry has made it so easy for us to keep in touch and to catch glimses into one another's lives.

 

Yesterday one of my friends had a baby. I did get a phone call announcement through another friend, but I also was able to see a picture of the new baby already because my friend's husband posted it on FB.

 

And yes, I agree with the others who said that it would've been nice if your friends had contacted you directly, Colleen. I'm thinking that maybe they were just trying to reach the most people they could in the least amount of time. At least now you know about their good news, right? ;)

[Colleen]

For some silly reason I'm feeling incredibly sad about this. I have had so many people go forward in friendships ~ with long-time friends and new friends ~ while saying to me, "You should go on Facebook!" and that feels very strange to me. The message I get from that ~ from you, Kate, and others, is just this: "Well, I don't have time to keep up a friendship with you individually. I need to kill as many birds with one stone as possible while maintaining my relationships and FB makes that easy for me." It seems like people are prizing quantity over quality. On the other hand, I don't enjoy talking on the phone, and I'm not one who writes volumes of emails, either, so I admit I'm not very good at maintaining friendships as it is. I guess at this point I honestly feel as if I need to join FB or suffer the consequence, e.g. have no friends. Peer pressure at its finest. Ugh.

[PiCO]

I must be in that same era that you are in. I'll step on some toes (and I am sorry about that) but I can't help but think there is something juvenile about this need for texting, MySpace, Facebook and what not. Perhaps I am just a bore. :blush:

 

I don't think it's a need, just a convenience. I also don't think I'm juvenile. ;) But I don't really use Facebook that much- I delete friends who send out too much crap. And texting is a great time saver. I also think it's more polite to text in a crowded place than talk on the phone.

 

Colleen- I'm sorry your friend was rude! I think you should ask her about it.

[hornblower]

Hey Colleen,

 

I'm still not on facebook either.

Well, I made an account (with an alias of course, because paranoia runs deep) just so I could look around last year but then I ditched it. And then I got super irritated that you can never delete the account - it's just deactivated and they hold all your data anyway; since I used an alias I didn't really care but it's still irritating.

 

One of the main ways it's touted amongst our friends is that it's such a great tool to reconnect with people you've lost touch with.

 

Well, you know what? I don't care about people who I've lost touch with. I honestly don't. I figure there's a darn good reason I've lost touch with them & my life is busy enough thank you without digging up people I knew in junior high.

 

It's hard enough to keep my IRL friendships, making time to have a phone call or meet for a coffee, or chat by email or on a board.

 

I can see the appeal of the easy updating of life events etc but I just use my blog for that (well, when I do bother to blog which lately isn't often....)

[nmoira]

For some silly reason I'm feeling incredibly sad about this. I have had so many people go forward in friendships ~ with long-time friends and new friends ~ while saying to me, "You should go on Facebook!" and that feels very strange to me. The message I get from that ~ from you, Kate, and others, is just this: "Well, I don't have time to keep up a friendship with you individually. I need to kill as many birds with one stone as possible while maintaining my relationships and FB makes that easy for me." It seems like people are prizing quantity over quality.

I've had a FB account for a few years (long story), but didn't use it at all until a few weeks ago (short story). My reasoning was much like yours. However, what I've found is that FB doesn't replace our other means of contact, it enhances them. Let's face it, I'm not going to call most of these people every day, or even every week -- I get little enough quiet time as it is -- but it's nice to know what's up with people. There is only one person besides DH I talk with every day and FB hasn't changed this. I also find it convenient for social planning because people can comment on wall posts to nail down dates and times.

 

I also like chatting with some of the people from here.

[valkett]

This is a conversation that I continually have with my mil. Not so much about facebook, but about other things like email and the myfamily.com site that I set up for my husband's family. I believe that email, then facebook & twitter are the next evolution of communication. My inlaws will not regularly check their email or log on the the family site that I put up. I certainly don't expect them to do facebook (although my mil's brother does), but I am trying to get them to keep up with the minimum. The family site lets us share little things that don't necessarily merit a phone call, but you want to share. Facebook has expanded that for me. I'm keeping up with cousins and friends from highschool. It's lovely to see what people are up to 20 years out of highschool. My mil insists that communication is fading, but I disagree. I think there's more communication. I see that my nephews in college are attending a concert or what they thought about a recent movie. These are things that they wouldn't have called to tell me about, but I can engage in a chat with them about the movie or concert if I want.

 

I don't think the facebook, twitter, etc.. are going away. Personally, I feel that I need to keep up a bit or I'll be left in the dust.

 

I wouldn't be too upset about the news shared on facebook. It could be that she was very excited and wanted to share with a lot of people at once.

 

Val

[Liz CA]

I don't know...

I'm on facebook, but I still share news with friends and family first-hand.

And there is much that happens in my life that doesn't make it to facebook.

I can't imagine it being my primary means of contact.

 

My brother-in-law did send me a note this week to say, "Hey. I want to hear about the vacation," but what that really means is, "Call me!"

So we did.

 

Funny, you started this thread because I have had discussions with family members about Facebook. I tend to be more cautious and others seem to think nothing of displaying all kinds of personal information.

I would not want to share personal news (good or bad) on something like Facebook. Most people have a slew of "friends" on their Facebook pages that can be really acquaintances of acquaintances and you have never met them.

When I have something important to say to people I e-mail directly or call instead of advertising it on a "bulletin board", so to speak.

I suppose we both should have been born a century earlier?! :glare:

[Sharon in SC]

For some silly reason I'm feeling incredibly sad about this. I have had so many people go forward in friendships ~ with long-time friends and new friends ~ while saying to me, "You should go on Facebook!" and that feels very strange to me. The message I get from that ~ from you, Kate, and others, is just this: "Well, I don't have time to keep up a friendship with you individually. I need to kill as many birds with one stone as possible while maintaining my relationships and FB makes that easy for me." It seems like people are prizing quantity over quality. On the other hand, I don't enjoy talking on the phone, and I'm not one who writes volumes of emails, either, so I admit I'm not very good at maintaining friendships as it is. I guess at this point I honestly feel as if I need to join FB or suffer the consequence, e.g. have no friends. Peer pressure at its finest. Ugh.

 

Am I the only one who reads FB testimonials as the equivalent of something else to occupy my time? :tongue_smilie: Colleen, I'm right there with you in questioning the value of quantity vs quality. Personally, I'd much prefer to invest what time I do have for friendship to folks near to home rather than feel burdened by having to spend untold amounts of time on the computer in the name of keeping up with folks I knew 20 years ago who, except for the internet, would have not contact with them whatsoever. In short, I'm just trying to say that the thought of having to commit even MORE time out of my already insanely busy life (over and above what time I will commit to close friends here at home, no matter what) in the name of hooking up with more people (possibly at the expense of my family 'cause that time has got to come from somewhere, kwim?) simply does not appeal to me at all. Call me a fuddy duddy if need be. That's just where I am with my thoughts in all of this.

[Sharon in SC]

I tend to be more cautious and others seem to think nothing of displaying all kinds of personal information.

I would not want to share personal news (good or bad) on something like Facebook. Most people have a slew of "friends" on their Facebook pages that can be really acquaintances of acquaintances and you have never met them.

 

This is me. :001_smile:

[Colleen]

Oh for Pete's sake! Now you have me wondering what conversations and news I'm missing. :001_huh: I'm still opting out, but now I wonder....

 

Yeah, leaves you feeling outta the loop, doesn't it?

 

I hear about facebook and other networkers mostly on these boards. Either it isn't such a big thing in my social circles, or they aren't telling me. Hmmmm?

 

I used to say the same until just recently and I've realized I have way more friends & acquaintances on FB than I realized. Every time I turn around, I find out about news/events that others were aware of ~ thanks to someone mentioning it on FB. And I keep hearing how easy it makes it to keep up with friends, etc.

 

But like I just said in another post, it seems to me like people are prizing quantity over quality. Anj, for example, said she feels all warm and fuzzy getting birthday greetings on her FB "wall" (?) from people who might otherwise not have known or remembered the day. That just doesn't seem that warm-n-fuzzy to me. But I'm obviously the odd-man-out, no question, and that does feel pretty glum.

[Sharon in SC]

[/color][/font]I've had a FB account for a few years (long story), but didn't use it at all until a few weeks ago (short story). My reasoning was much like yours. However, what I've found is that FB doesn't replace our other means of contact, it enhances them. Let's face it, I'm not going to call most of these people every day, or even every week -- I get little enough quiet time as it is -- but it's nice to know what's up with people. There is only one person besides DH I talk with every day and FB hasn't changed this. I also find it convenient for social planning because people can comment on wall posts to nail down dates and times.

 

I also like chatting with some of the people from here.

 

Please share how much time it takes to engage in this. That is one of my biggest concerns (aside from that of safety/security) when it comes to the thought of adding yet another computer related task to my day.

[nmoira]

Funny, you started this thread because I have had discussions with family members about Facebook. I tend to be more cautious and others seem to think nothing of displaying all kinds of personal information.

I would not want to share personal news (good or bad) on something like Facebook.

That's what the privacy settings are for. You can control who can see your info, photos, wall posts, etc.

[Sharon in SC]

Hey Colleen,

 

I'm still not on facebook either.

Well, I made an account (with an alias of course, because paranoia runs deep) just so I could look around last year but then I ditched it. And then I got super irritated that you can never delete the account - it's just deactivated and they hold all your data anyway; since I used an alias I didn't really care but it's still irritating.

 

One of the main ways it's touted amongst our friends is that it's such a great tool to reconnect with people you've lost touch with.

 

Well, you know what? I don't care about people who I've lost touch with. I honestly don't. I figure there's a darn good reason I've lost touch with them & my life is busy enough thank you without digging up people I knew in junior high.

 

It's hard enough to keep my IRL friendships, making time to have a phone call or meet for a coffee, or chat by email or on a board.

 

I can see the appeal of the easy updating of life events etc but I just use my blog for that (well, when I do bother to blog which lately isn't often....)

 

Sounds like we're kindred spirits when it comes to this (see my post below). :001_smile: Same message, different words.

[Sharon in SC]

I also am able to be more connected to my college-age son, who is 10 hours away from us. I get a glimpse into his life there at school, the new friends he's made, etc. It's not a clingy relationship -- we might chat on the phone once every couple weeks, and I will leave him the occasional message on his "wall" or comment on his status, to let him know I'm thinking of him.

 

[/size]

This is one definite advantage I could see in FB.

[Liz CA]

I'm on Facebook so it can't be bad right? :D I signed up so I could read my children's walls, but I also enjoy popping in and seeing what my friends are doing. Today I got to wish *anj* a happy birthday and LOL at Jill's plans all in a matter of minutes.

 

Karen, I have a question because I am not very familiar with Facebook or MySpace.

Do you feel it's a fairly well controlled (in terms of online security) environment and what are its advantages compared to e-mailing, if any? Is MySpace the same type of chatroom/baord/forum just by a different name?

[Sharon in SC]

Dh is in IT and one of his fascinations is Internet security. Perhaps that has colored my perception of the hazards of using technology somewhat, but an even greater concern is the privacy factor. It bothers me (even though I know that many of the social networking sites offer the option of setting a page to private) that a random stranger can access someone's personal information for his own purposes. One of the things that shocked me in the course of following the Caylee Anthony case was the ability of amateur sleuthers to access Casey Anthony's photo accounts and MySpace pages and easily share the photos and information with all interested parties. Sure, the girl put all the information out there, but I can't help wondering if living in a society with such a glut of personal information available won't change the legal process and the basis of innocent until proven guilty. It also bothered me that people involved only on the fringes of the case had their information distributed and were, based upon what was found, the subject of much rumor and speculation. Reputations can be destroyed, and that can affect someone's future employment, etc.

 

 

 

I could have written this (dh, too, is in IT for his field). This is primarily why we have advised teen dd to not establish a FB account. We, too, have a definite bias based on dh's knowledge base.

[Apiphobic]

Please share how much time it takes to engage in this. That is one of my biggest concerns (aside from that of safety/security) when it comes to the thought of adding yet another computer related task to my day.

 

I'd say it's a bit like homeschooling and very individual. You can work at your own pace and move ahead when you're ready.

If you need more time to work on stuff, you can do it.

And if you need less time ...

you can do it! ;)

 

Honestly, I'm wondering if all this time spent writing about it and asking about it and hemming and hawing about it could be better spent ... well, on facebook! :tongue_smilie:

[Karenciavo]

Karen, I have a question because I am not very familiar with Facebook or MySpace.

Do you feel it's a fairly well controlled (in terms of online security) environment and what are its advantages compared to e-mailing, if any? Is MySpace the same type of chatroom/baord/forum just by a different name?

 

It's not very secure at all, but whatever I put on there is stuff I don't mind the world seeing. For example, even though only your friends can see your pictures and wall, if one of your friends comments on your photo one of their friends can now see your photo even if you are not friends with that friend (LOL, is that clear?)

[Sharon in SC]

Honestly, I'm wondering if all this time spent writing about it and asking about it and hemming and hawing about it could be better spent ... well, on facebook! :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Valid question. :D For me, the answer lies in the fact that to add FB would mean eliminating time here (no time for both). for now, I prefer the sporadic participation here on these boards to the potentially more vulnerable (safety) environment of FB. Here I am more "anonymous" so to speak. Plus, I suspect that should I start a FB I would be rapidly compelled to commit more time there than I do here 'cause of the closer ties I'd have to my FB Friends.

[Sharon in SC]

For example, even though only your friends can see your pictures and wall, if one of your friends comments on your photo one of their friends can now see your photo even if you are not friends with that friend (LOL, is that clear?)

 

This is the one of the very reasons we've opted to not have dd have a FB.

[Liz CA]

 

I can see how it is useful to some- communication with college age children, seeing your grandbabies, etc.- but I haven't felt the need personally. Then again I am late to arrive at all things technology related. I feel like I need a shrink to analyze my phobia towards participating in anything untested by time, but there it is.

 

 

Jo

 

Couldn't have expressed it better! Some of us don't have that need to disseminate any and all information for the world to read/see....And I personally don't feel the need to know everything others do, say or think.

I too need that occasional push to participate in the latest and greatest tech advances.

[nmoira]

 

For example, even though only your friends can see your pictures and wall, if one of your friends comments on your photo one of their friends can now see your photo even if you are not friends with that friend (LOL, is that clear?)

This is how it is set up by default, that both friends and friends of friends can see your photos. Changing this to "friends" in the privacy settings will fix this. You can also control access to individual photos and control who can see tagged images of you.

[Sharon in SC]

...And I personally don't feel the need to know everything others do, say or think.

 

This is exactly what I've found myself thinking when my local dear friends speaks of things she shares on FB. "Would I really need to spend time in the day reading about that type of thing in the lives of others. I could better use that time (spent reading about others) living my own life!" :tongue_smilie:

[Karenciavo]

This is how it is set up by default, that both friends and friends of friends can see your photos. Changing this to "friends" in the privacy settings will fix this. You can also control access to individual photos and control who can see tagged images of you.

 

Great, good to know.

[Hillary in KS]

Isn't there a sort of irony in complaining about an internet social network to your internet message board friends? :)

 

I really enjoy Facebook, but not for close friends. For close friends, I call, write, e-mail, etc. I have for years, and I'll always do so. Some of them I also see on Facebook, but I don't usually post things for them there. If a close friend had not told me some big noew, and I'd heard it from another, I'd probably give them a quick call to find out what's up. But, my close friends don't post big things on FB, so right now it's a non-issue.

 

Facebook has been wonderful for re-connecting with acquaintances. I suppose if I had lived in one place for the majority of my adult life I might eschew FB as well. But growing up, I'd lived in 10 different cities by the time I was 10 years old. I spent the next 20 years in Boise. (4 years in Oregon for college). Since 2001 I've lived in 6 different cities.

 

I have met TONS of people. I have LEFT tons of people. There's no way I could write/ call/ e-mail every one of them in hopes of keeping up a casual acquaintance.

 

On Facebook, I've reconnected with people I went to grade school and high school with. I've reconnected with college friends. I've reconnected with old friends of my parents. I see pictures of their families and video of their children.

 

At least 10 of my former students have looked me up on Facebook. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to see these former-10-year-olds who are now grown up, married, and having children. I love seeing their pictures and marveling at how they've grown and yet I can still see the little person I once knew.

 

I am so thankful for a way to keep in touch and reconnect with these people. It's like having the joy of a Christmas newsletter all year long.

 

But for close friends - nope, I prefer to interact with them face-to-face.

 

*I feel the need to add that I'm not being critical of those who choose not to use FB. The way someone chooses to spend their time is a choice. We all do that which we feel will most benefit us. For me, I wish to stay in touch with as many people as I can, and FB is a tool that enables me to do that. But, of course, it's not for everybody. Just because you find usefulness in X doesn't mean that everyone will.

Edited January 23, 2009 by Hillary in KS
Clarification

[Sharon in SC]

Isn't there a sort of irony in complaining about an internet social network to your internet message board friends? :)

 

 

 

Not really if the issue becomes one of debating the value of one over the other (which for me it does). I know I don't have time for both thus I have to decide which venue is the best one for me in terms of social networking and the best place for it in my life. :) For this reason, I'm thankful for this discussion. I've come to better understand things like it is possible to restrict how many people could view dd's pics on FB and that, in future years, when she's at college I might should reconsider my position if it means I can better share what's going on in her life when she's away from home. Yet, at the same time, for now, I've been able to reaffirm the fact that I am more content to chat periodically with my homeschool cyberfriends than to feel more bound in time to a FB account where I think I'd feel more "obligated" for lack of a better word to respond/react with people I've known personally in years (decades) past. Since I'm at peace with not having regular contact with them, this (my homeschool cyber world) works better for me. :D

[runningirl71]

Further verification that I'm living in the wrong era....I've had two situations this week wherein I learned of exciting news about very close friends after-the-fact because I'm not on Facebook. These are friends I would have expected to share their news directly, people who have said they aren't too into Facebook. And yet, in both cases, when I heard about their news, through other people (people who aren't as intimate with these women, but who are on Facebook), I realized I was somewhat out of the loop already. It feels strange. Yes, somewhat hurtful, if I'm honest. I guess...I don't know. Is it so old-fashioned of me to expect people to still share news directly with close friends? I mean, I've read here the laundry list of reasons why people enjoy Facebook and I understand all those reasons, even while I opt not to hang out there myself. But seriously, what is happening to personal contact any more?

 

I'm sorry, too, Colleen that this has happened to you. Unfortunately, I can understand and that is why I'm posting. For me, it isn't a close friend but a family member who does this. We don't live in the same area so I can't just go over to their house. This family member and partner both have cell phones or an iphone or whatever, e-mail, and a telephone at home. They have caller id too. When I call they don't answer. When I e-mail they don't answer. I leave a message, do I get a return call? No. It has hurt me tremendously. And yet, my dh who is on FB for work, mostly, tells me all sorts of things, sees pictures of their kids, etc. So, this past December I decided that this is the way it is and opened up a FB account, hoping, now, I can interact with this family member. I've written messages on FB. Do they respond? Nope. Now I'm just plain thinking that they don't care to keep in contact with me. Dh thinks it is nothing personal. Are they so into their own lives, they'll go so far as to neglect family?

 

All this to say, you're not the only one! And, :grouphug:

[Hillary in KS]

Not really if the issue becomes one of debating the value of one over the other (which for me it does). I know I don't have time for both thus I have to decide which venue is the best one for me in terms of social networking and the best place for it in my life. :) For this reason, I'm thankful for this discussion. I've come to better understand things like it is possible to restrict how many people could view dd's pics on FB and that, in future years, when she's at college I might should reconsider my position if it means I can better share what's going on in her life when she's away from home. Yet, at the same time, for now, I've been able to reaffirm the fact that I am more content to chat periodically with my homeschool cyberfriends than to feel more bound in time to a FB account where I think I'd feel more "obligated" for lack of a better word to respond/react with people I've known personally in years (decades) past. Since I'm at peace with not having regular contact with them, this (my homeschool cyber world) works better for me. :D

 

Ok, and see, that makes sense. As I said,whether you Facebook or don't Facebook, it comes down to a choice, and how it benefits your life. FB is a social networking tool, just as WTM. If you choose to do X because it works better for you, then great. Why then complain or criticize those who have chosen Y?

 

The point of the OP, however, was not to criticize one tool over another. But to explain her hurt over close friends posting something before telling her personally. I understand her feelings. I just got a chuckle from the Internet message board vs. internet social board. :)

Edited January 23, 2009 by Hillary in KS