My son breaks down when it's too hard

[kbpaulie]

He turned 6 in Oct., is doing mostly 1st grade work, and on a 3rd grade reading level and breaks down if something is the slightest bit too hard or if he makes a mistake. He has a crying fit that almost nothing can stop. This is with tying shoes, riding a bike, one (out of 15) mispelled word on a spelling test...

 

The crying frequently includes excuses of it's too hard, I didn't know, I've never seen this word before. They are things that if he would stop, think, listen or ask he would know or I would happily explain.

 

I fluctuate between patience and sheer frustration. From wanting to give him time and space to trying to get him to "get over it". From wanting to push him hard to totally backing off.

 

What do I do? It happens about once a week.

 

Thanks! This and another big reason are making be wondedr if I am really the best teacher for him.

 

KB

[G5052]

One of mine was like that, and I usually just gave him some space and told him to come get me when he got calmed down. There were times of course when he was tired or hungry, and then we basically stopped and ate or did something else once he was OK again. There were times though when he cried because he wanted to please me but just didn't have the information available, and I would hold him then. So it took some thinking on my part, but I learned to not be stern with him and to help him work it out. That type of thing lasted for a few years in the early grades, and then passed.

 

First grade teachers have told me that there are tears in their classrooms too, so it isn't just you. I also think that a parent is going to handle this far better than most teachers will. ;)

[HappyGrace]

My ds is the same age and the same way. His mind is ahead of what his body can do, or something like that, and he gets really frustrated at it not turning out the way he had visualized himself being able to do it. We have had pencil-throwing, etc., because he gets so upset. We've been working on slowing down and verbally asking for help BEFORE he needs it, but it's a tough age. I've seen it help some when we walk through coping strategies-actually role play them-how to ask for help, etc., when we're NOT in a pressure moment so he has the tools when a tough time hits. Doesn't always work, but it helps in the moment when I can say, "Remember when we practiced what we would do..."

 

You're definitely the best teacher for him-never doubt that for a minute.

[Dawn E]

My dd is a lot like that as well. I think a lot of it has to do with her personality; however, I did learn that I had encouraged some of it by praising her "smartness" instead of her hard work. This increased her fear of failure, not doing things perfectly. I was a first-born perfectionist myself, so much of it comes honest through genetics and birth-order. Intelligence was my thing, so appearing dumb in any way terrified me.

 

This may mean nothing to your circumstance, but in my case I have worked very hard at praising her work ethic, encouraging her that mistakes are how you learn, reminding her that everyone makes them and that practice is what helps you succeed. It's a slow process, but she has definitely made progress in this area.

 

HTH in some way,

Dawn

[Peela]

Umm, my 13yo is sitll lke that about once a week, so obviously I havent found anything that helps.

Some kids are perfectionists. Some have learning difficulties. My son alsohas great difficulty playing board games with us- he gets so competitive and emotionally involved he just has a melt down at the slightest trigger. He IS getting better, but its been a long road!

[BryRon]

We have this very same issue - I am glad some other momma's have had the same trouble and are able to advise....well, not glad, but you know what I mean!!:)

[oliveview]

I have a ds 6 who is the same way and I struggle with this same thing almost daily. I am glad to know that others have had and are still having some of the same issues.

[Pretty in Pink]

(((KB)))

 

That is hard! I think some childrens' personalitlies lend themselves to this sort of behavior at that age. My oldest ds, now 10, was like that at that age. Step back for a moment and evaluate your reaction to this situations. Are you encouraging and calm or do you get frustrated with him? I used to not make a big deal out of it, just say something like "It's no biggie, even I can't spell every single word right all the time!" I even suggested to my ds to get the dictionary out and try to find a word that I couldn't spell. He thought this was great fun! Sometimes he would be really worked up and I'd just give him a hug and tell him it was time to take a break. Now, at 10 my ds does not break down like he used to but he still expects perfection from himself; he gets miffed if he misses one math problem out of 30.

 

I think part of it is oldest-child syndrome. Seriously. It is nothing you are doing wrong as a parent or teacher. Just remain gentle and encouraging; in another year or two your son will be able to handle feedback and suggestions on ways to improve if necessary, but know that he may always strive to everything 'perfectly'.

Edited January 8, 2009 by Pretty in Pink

[AliR]

This has been such a helpful post. I too have a six year old who turns into a tearful heap if she gets to something that she doesn't know how to do - or what I find even more difficult to handle, when there is something she does know how to do but has got herself into a state and just can't function.

 

She has special needs, so I question all the time whether I am the right person to teach her. When I read all your posts I realised that I am not alone.

 

I future instead of doubting myself, I think I shall dry all the tears (including some of my own), hug my daughter and we will both have some chocolate.

[PeterPan]

Call him a K5er and expect/require nothing more than you would require of a K5er. Then everything else is bonus. PHYSICALLY he's a K5er, like it or not, so he still needs short, age-appropriate sessions. Forced reading is unnecessary. Just back off and let him read.

 

My new ds was born in October, and that's my plan, to use the lower grade, no matter what level he's on. I don't want him leaving home early anyway, so what's the point of calling him the grade up? It's so important not to confuse academic with the physical and emotional. If he's physically a K5er, then call him that and let anything more advanced he does be because of his interests, readiness, and pacing. That's my advice. Sometimes you have to think out of the box. My dd is at the young end of her grade with a late birthday. I often start our next grade level of material with the real maturity jump that comes with her 6 months b-day growth spurt. See they have growth spurts at the 6 months points (3 1/2, 4 1/2, 5 1/2, and so on). So for us that effectively means I start the next grade level of material in January. I don't tell her that, but that's effectively how it has worked out over the years. Starting a new level of material in the fall, just because you're "supposed" to, hasn't worked for us.

[Tess in the Burbs]

my son is just like that. he is 7. has always been very sensitive. the best advice in practice has been to be patient. it doesn't help that his sister can do anything she wants with little effort. but I let him know his pace is his pace. and I have to remind myself of that!

 

someone recommended using a timer for school.....

[inashoe]

Six year olds go through an uncoordinated stage.

They can *lose* the ability to do things that they were previously able to do.

This is expressed in different ways in different kids - when my first was six he would fall off the chair, and that was even when he wasn't wriggling.

My now 6yo empties the dishwasher daily, and has done this with no problems, until one day he just dropped four dinner plates. I just stayed out of the kitchen when I heard the noise :tongue_smilie: He is doing many other strange things at the moment - totally out of his character.

Some kids who were able to write fairly neatly, suddenly develop spider-writing, others can't remember what they learnt from one day to the next in math, where previously there had been no problems.

Be assured, this stage does pass - but is very typical of 6 year olds.

 

Kids express their frustration in different ways, my first two would cry, but my now 6yo internalizes it and I can see he stresses but doesn't show any outward emotion.

 

I encourage my kids to take a deep breath, and try again slowly.

 

It can take a lot out of you, holding in your frustration. Sometimes I know I am faking patience on the outside, even though on the inside I don't feel nearly so calm. Understanding that kids go through these stages does help me to be patient.

[Lovedtodeath]

I did not read all of the replies. DD is the same way!!:grouphug: Instead of telling me something is too hard she will just misbehave!! But she complains of things being too easy too! It took me forever to figure out the problem... I thought at first that maybe she was bored b/c she was unchallenged. Okay, now I will be reading replies.

[Homemama2]

My ds6 is the same...in fact he was sniffling about almost every word he read today until I finally lost it and said: You are in school to LEARN! If you already knew it all I'd send you to college tomorrow! :blushing: Let me advise you NOT to try that...then he burst into tears "Mommy, I don't want to go to college!:banghead: Way to go Mom, huh?

Anyway, my son is a perfectionist and is also like this about every new thing he learns (gets that from me).

I try to encourage him, and keep reminding him that nobody is perfect and all of us make mistakes then tell him some of the ones that I've made or dh.

[Mommy22alyns]

Becca does that sometimes. She can work herself into a sniffling crying fit if I quietly suggest that she hasn't done her best. It's good to know that it's typical of 6 year olds to have an uncoordinated phase - I was wondering why on earth she couldn't remember a math problem she just did.

 

Becca has a bit of perfectionist in her too... sounds like there are lots of us in this boat! I have to admit, she gets it from me. :001_huh:

[bookmomma]

I have the same problem with both of my boys. My older son is getting over it and my younger son is growing into it. I just allow them to go lie down for a while and collect themselves sometimes. When I keep trying and pushing, we get nowhere. When I back off a little and find something else to do, it helps. Just a change of pace, maybe?

[joannqn]

This may mean nothing to your circumstance, but in my case I have worked very hard at praising her work ethic, encouraging her that mistakes are how you learn, reminding her that everyone makes them and that practice is what helps you succeed. It's a slow process, but she has definitely made progress in this area.

 

 

:iagree:

 

My daughter inherited my perfectionist tendencies and is very advanced in some areas. We had three issues that led to tears...daily. One was I tended to get on her case about being careless and making careless errors. These were errors caused solely by doing the work too quickly and sloppily. Second, she started crying if she didn't know the answer immediately and had to actually think for a second or two. Third, I was using the wrong curriculum and at the wrong level.

 

I had to work hard to reverse it. I deliberately graded her papers and wrote something positive on every single one of them. I found something to praise. Then I showed them to her. I talked a lot about it being ok to make mistakes as long as you tried your best. Finally, I switched curriculum, style, and level to better fit her learning style and where she was at academically. She absolutely HATES repetitive work and "learning" what she already knows.

 

It took a couple of years to undo. Perhaps part of it was also maturity.

[kbpaulie]

All of these responses have been so reassuring. Thanks to all of you. Sorry that so many of us are struggling with this.

 

Both my husband and I have the perfectionist tendancy. My husband has been in thearpy for it and struggles with depression from it (and other things). So, while my son is a different person than my husband, you can't help but have some fears built in.

 

When I'm in the middle of my sons break downit feels like I've done it all: taken a break, pushed him harder, changed curric. levels, tried to explain that he is in school to learn and isn't expected to know it all, show that I make plenty of mistakes too, "sandwich" the feedback for improvement between two positive comments...

 

While there are other things I can try, looks like time and growing up may be one of the biggest solutions.

 

Thanks so much. You'll see me posting more about my son soon and questions about socialization, 6 year old boys and homeschooling.

 

Thanks-

Karena

[greenmamato3]

i echo everything that's been said.

just wanted to add this:

stay steady. it will come. there will be fits and starts until they are closer to 10 or 11, particularly with boys.

while it's good to reevaluate and make adjustments as you sense you need to, also walk with caution about being too indulgent. [i'm not implying you are ... i just know *i* often tend toward rethinking rethinking replotting replotting reevaluating ad nauseum (esp on difficult days) and wind up so far off the mark of what i initially felt was the right fit that i've morphed into an indulgent system of thinking that's not going to serve him well after all the dust settles. in reality, what they need is consistency while they go through their fits and their immaturity b/c mom is then a stable, steady, reliable, predictable part of their unsteady, unstable, unreliable world, etc ..... changing it too often or too much can be confusing in the end for them and can prolong an already difficult stage for both mom and child. clear as mud?]

 

go with what you know to be right (or what you realize is right after a time :) ), commit to stick to it even on the hardest days while being comforting and helpful/encouraging and understanding to him .... and as you stay consistent with your plan you can then praise character development along the way, making it less about the work, the productivity, the smartness, etc, and more about the character of diligence, perseverance, self-control, respectful communcation, etc. praising character has been really key for us as of late.

 

hope that's not too nebulous or ambiguous. you're in good company. stay steady. you're doing a wonderful job! and yes, *you* are the ideal teacher for your son. :)

Edited July 13, 2010 by greenmamato3

[dragons in the flower bed]

What do I do? It happens about once a week.

 

I have found it doesn't help to say, "of course you can!" It helps them if I say, "I see that this is scary-hard for you. Let's calm down." Then I coach him to take deep breaths and consciously relax his muscles. Explain to him that neurologists have discovered that the part of his brain that solves problems goes inactive when he's upset. The part of him that is upset is a more primitive part that is great for running from avalanches or whatnot, but really can't help him riddle out a tricky paragraph. I have to remind my children of this every time they get upset. Then give him a hug, make him laugh with a goofy joke, ask him if he wants a cup of water. Finally say, "Are you calm enough to try again?"

 

If he slips into the same panic, just say, "Okay, deep breaths, like you're blowing out a birthday cake," and pat his back and hug him more.

 

Doing this kind of training is pretty important. It helps the child create a path in his brain from stress to problem-solving mode, and studies have shown that children don't learn that accidentally. Someone or something external has to cause that shift often enough in childhood or those pathways will be nearly impossible to create in adulthood.

Edited July 13, 2010 by dragons in the flower bed
typos

[Diviya]

I agree with the PP comments about praising "smart" versus "effort". If you can get hold of it, read the first chapter of NurtureShock by Po Bronson about praise. Changed my life. Truly eye-opening. Really made a difference in my daughter who also fell apart when anything was too hard at that age. She still does it occasionally, but now it's more a function of whether she's tired or hungry :) Of course, we still have talks where I explain to her that if it's not hard, it's not worth doing, so it's not a cure-all!

[peacefully]

I have found it doesn't help to say, "of course you can!" It helps them if I say, "I see that this is scary-hard for you. Let's calm down." Then I coach him to take deep breaths and consciously relax his muscles. Explain to him that neurologists have discovered that the part of his brain that solves problems goes inactive when he's upset. The part of him that is upset is a more primitive part that is great for running from avalanches or whatnot, but really can't help him riddle out a tricky paragraph. I have to remind my children of this every time they get upset. Then give him a hug, make him laugh with a goofy joke, ask him if he wants a cup of water. Finally say, "Are you calm enough to try again?"

 

If he slips into the same panic, just say, "Okay, deep breaths, like you're blowing out a birthday cake," and pat his back and hug him more.

 

Doing this kind of training is pretty important. It helps the child create a path in his brain from stress to problem-solving mode, and studies have shown that children don't learn that accidentally. Someone or something external has to cause that shift often enough in childhood or those pathways will be nearly impossible to create in adulthood.

 

This! :iagree: This post is gold. Actively coaching your child to understand his internal state and showing him constructive ways to manage his emotions is so, SO important. Rose, you are my new hero!

[Dmmetler]

:grouphug:

 

I have a 5 1/2 yr old, identified GT perfectionist, and we go through spurts of this, where she CAN'T do anything, according to her. Usually it happens when she's compared herself to other people (and she has no qualms about comparing herself to adults) and finds herself lacking. When she was in ps K, we had a lot of tears over "I'm not 5 enough!" when someone else could do something that she hadn't quite gotten yet.

 

What I've noticed is that usually this is worst when she's physically tired, stressed, hungry, is about to lose a tooth, or is getting sick-so offering a snack and allowing more rest time is a help, because after a good, solid nap or a good long night's sleep, she's much more capable again.

 

It's tough-and I admit there are times when I've been tempted to call her parochial school and say "we're coming back!"-but I think overall, HSing has been good for her because I CAN adjust so that if it's a day where her fingers simply don't do what she wants, she doesn't have to write. A classroom teacher can't do that.

[Rivka]

My 5yo has similar issues with tantruming when something is hard or she doesn't immediately see how to do it. I found Carol Dweck's mindset work very compelling:

 

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

 

Her argument is that when kids think of ability as something fixed, something you just *have* (I am smart, I am good at math), they fear taking risks or trying hard things - in case it proves that they aren't so smart after all. When kids think of ability as something that can be improved through effort, they welcome challenges.

 

Dweck talks a lot about the effects of praise on children's mindsets, but I think that some bright kids are just extra susceptible to feeling threatened by hard tasks. I have to do a lot of direct teaching with my daughter about how trying hard things makes us smarter. I've also tried to eradicate "you're so good at ___" from my vocabulary.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I have 2 that have been like this at between 5 and 7. There was a little booklet that you could print out free that helped us. It had a picture of a boy or girl (you could print out either depending on your needs). You would read it through and the kids would close their eyes and count to 10 and then pretend that they could smell a strawberry and imagine a candle to blow out. I am probably not wording it as well as it deserves, but it was a calming tool and it works.

They would slow down enough that you could talk them through the meltdown. I am on the netbook so I don't have it saved on here, but when I get on my pc I will link it.

[swainsonshawk]

I have found it doesn't help to say, "of course you can!" It helps them if I say, "I see that this is scary-hard for you. Let's calm down." Then I coach him to take deep breaths and consciously relax his muscles. Explain to him that neurologists have discovered that the part of his brain that solves problems goes inactive when he's upset. The part of him that is upset is a more primitive part that is great for running from avalanches or whatnot, but really can't help him riddle out a tricky paragraph. I have to remind my children of this every time they get upset. Then give him a hug, make him laugh with a goofy joke, ask him if he wants a cup of water. Finally say, "Are you calm enough to try again?"

 

If he slips into the same panic, just say, "Okay, deep breaths, like you're blowing out a birthday cake," and pat his back and hug him more.

 

Doing this kind of training is pretty important. It helps the child create a path in his brain from stress to problem-solving mode, and studies have shown that children don't learn that accidentally. Someone or something external has to cause that shift often enough in childhood or those pathways will be nearly impossible to create in adulthood.

 

This is wonderful advice! I've dealt with this same tendency in my oldest son. He is not academically gifted but is plugging along at his grade level. But he PANICKS when he doesn't understand or refuses to try when it seems too hard. I have learned even now to start a new section in math with the same little reminder: "You are going to learn something new. Don't panic. Take a deep breath. You will understand it eventually. I will help you for days and days and weeks and weeks until you understand. It is going to be okay."

 

I also do a lot of praising about ATTITUDE and not results. Getting through math is all about being teachable, not about the number of problems you accomplished.

 

Also, with writing, it helps a lot if I don't correct anything in his writing. I only talk about what I like in the piece and build him up. We work on grammar and punctuation in DOL type assignments and I don't expect the results to show up in his writing right away. Sometimes I put the writing away for a few weeks and later we will bring it out and polish the piece together when the emotions aren't so tied to it.

 

My son is almost 12 and things have been easier for about a year now. Hang on there!

[swainsonshawk]

Also, one of the best pieces of advice I have applied to homeschooling my kids was this: If your child is crying, there is no learning going on. It's very important to remember to manage the emotions first and the learning comes later. So pushing through the math lesson when he's shut down doesn't teach math at all. That's something I had to learn. My mantra for last year's schoolwork was: Relationship first, school second. I think we've got that under control now.

[DianeW88]

Six year olds cry all. the. time. It's a stage, he'll grow out of it. When my 3rd child was about to turn six, I braced myself for it....and he didn't disappoint. :glare: It is my least favorite age....after 3 1/2. Just hang in there...it's not you. :D

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[dragons in the flower bed]

This! :iagree: This post is gold. Actively coaching your child to understand his internal state and showing him constructive ways to manage his emotions is so, SO important. Rose, you are my new hero!

 

Cool! :D

 

The book The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland is really great for this kind of stuff.

[Ali in OR]

My perfectionist is now 10 and this is NOT something that was just a 6 year old stage for her. I think our best arena to work on how to approach tasks you can't do perfectly the first time is studying piano. She will still cry and melt down when she doesn't do something perfectly the first time. We want her to learn to put forth effort; try, try again; have a mindset to conquer tough problems, etc. In piano, we work on those skills. We talk about needing to train her fingers by practicing a sequence over and over--you can't just expect to do everything perfectly the first time without training, practice, and effort on your part. In schoolwork she often can do it right the first time. For teaching work ethic and stick-to-itiveness, piano is great. As we tell her, NO ONE gets it right the first time. You have to practice and train.

 

Still can be frustrating, but it's an important life skill to work on.

[SapphireStitch]

I'm going throw something out there, just for you to think about as your son gets older. I think you've received some great advice for dealing with breakdowns in a 6 year old. My suggestion is to just be sensitive and cautious to avoid enabling him into a habit of breaking down.

 

I think I did this with my son. In his case it hit me sort of suddenly that this was becoming a habit, perhaps his way to manipulate me for sympathy and to get an easier workload. But it was happening every day and he was 8 years old, and I was getting fed up with worksheets and papers being ruined from teary little puddles every day. :001_smile:

 

So I approached him one day when I was feeling particularly fed-up (not recommending this approach, just saying what I did) and asked him "When Dad is at work and he's having a bad day because the server has crashed again and an obnoxious client is fussing about his bill, do you think he cries?" Shocked answer "NO! Of course not!!" Then I said, "If your friends were here and you were all doing math together and you had trouble with your math, would you cry?" Even more shocked answer "NO!! NO!! I wouldn't cry in front of them!"

 

"So, why are you crying now? Are you hurt? Do you feel sick? Have any of your friends had bad things happen to them? Has your kitten died? No, none of those things have happened...you are upset because your math is hard. You cry sometimes because you know I am your mom, and I love you, and I will feel sorry for you. But you will someday have to do hard things in life without me there to feel sorry for you, so maybe you should start practicing now. Can you just remind yourself that it is only math, no one has died, you will learn it, it is not that big of a deal?"

 

This actually worked! I have to admit I was somewhat surprised because it was a spur of the moment thing and mostly me letting off steam. With only a couple of gentle reminders he has stopped breaking down. Instead I hear him talking to himself "Arrggghhh...(sniffle)...um. Let's see, scratch paper, figure it out. Mom, can I use the counting cubes for this page?"

[Cindyg]

My perfectionist is now 10 and this is NOT something that was just a 6 year old stage for her.

 

Ditto. Except mine is 13.

[robsiew]

One of mine was like that, and I usually just gave him some space and told him to come get me when he got calmed down. There were times of course when he was tired or hungry, and then we basically stopped and ate or did something else once he was OK again. There were times though when he cried because he wanted to please me but just didn't have the information available, and I would hold him then. So it took some thinking on my part, but I learned to not be stern with him and to help him work it out. That type of thing lasted for a few years in the early grades, and then passed.

 

First grade teachers have told me that there are tears in their classrooms too, so it isn't just you. I also think that a parent is going to handle this far better than most teachers will. ;)

 

:iagree:

He's probably a perfectionist by nature. Smart too... I know those type... they get better with age, but some aspects never do go away. Finding ways to help him persevere when it is important or to leave it for another day/time when it isn't. Slow and steady wins the race... time pressure seems to upset my ds who is this way. I try not to pressure him, but sometimes it is necessary and that's when he is stretched to the next level....

 

I agree you will handle it much better than most teachers!