Do I complain or keep my mouth shut (Family Secret Santa)

[katalaska]

I posted about this issue back in August or so.

The recap: 23yo sil who still lives at home proposed an idea to the family that instead of having the parents spend gobs of money on everyone, that all the adult children (eight of them plus four spouses) and the parents (my fil and mil) draw ONE name and do a Secret Santa swap. There was a dollar amount given so essentially what you spend on another is spent on you. Everyone was to make a wish list.

 

There were lots of rules that are mostly irrelevant...except for the one that said all gifts had to be shipped by December 11 to ensure their arrival before Christmas.

 

Dh and I weren't super thrilled with the idea (the dollar amount seemed extreme to us) but decided, in the spirit of family unity/doing something with the family (perhaps creating a new tradition) we would participate.

 

So, ironically, I was the first to submit my "wish list" complete with links to actual products, etc. I helped cut and paste each person's individual list into separate emails so the assigned Secret Santas could easily find their person's wish list. I sent out "friendly" reminders on Thursdays (i.e. Christmas is only 9 weeks away...only 49 days left to Shop and Ship!) until one bil responded very rudely to my reminder.

 

Dh and I shopped (online) for our assigned people (who live in two separate states), got good deals and free shipping as much as we could, and had everything done by November.

 

All this to say, we totally played "by the rules" and tried to be helpful and fun about the whole thing.

 

Weeks went by...no gifts arrived for us. Finally, dh received two packages.

 

Three days ago I got an email (I figure it has to be from my Secret Santa because the coordinator of all this, my mil, was not the one who sent the email) that said "Secret Santa is trying very hard not to be late this year."

 

In other words, it's Christmas Eve and I have NOTHING from my Secret Santa. I guess my Christmas will be next week or next year...???

 

Part of me wants to throw a HUGE tantrum (but I'm far too old to do that! :tongue_smilie:) and let everyone know that my Secret Santa fell through. (Tomorrow identities of Secret Santas will be revealed).

 

The other part of me is thinking I shouldn't take this personally and maybe this other person just has problems in her life.

 

I'm just disappointed...something I didn't want to do but tried to make fun has turned out to be truly lame for me. Bleah.

 

Do I complain?

Keep my mouth shut?

Ever participate in this again?

[SonshineLearner]

Could it be that the mail has been delayed? Let others be the ones to blow the whistle on Santa...That's what I'd do...

Carrie:-)

[LisaKinVA]

Sometimes the best of intentions get lost in the craziness of day-to-day life.

 

I've tried (for years), to get my MIL to send gifts earlier, so that I'd have time to wrap them. She gets wish lists in Sept/Oct -- with links to places she can order them on-line. I tell her she have them shipped to me, and I'll wrap them for the kiddos. And for about the past 7 years, we get unwrapped presents overnighted for Christmas Eve... because she "ran out of time."

 

I don't get it. I don't understand. And, I've given up trying to understand.

 

Frustrating yes. Your Secret Santa, however, will be outed in a way tomorrow. Do your best to make light of the situation, and have a Merry Christmas!

 

Here's a hug ... because I feel your frustration and dissapointment!:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Just keep it to yourself until the reveal. Let your Secret Santa has to tell the group that he/she didn't get you anything. That takes it off you and puts it back where the responsibility belongs.

[hornblower]

Ummm.

Just let it go. So your present will arrive late. So what - you'll have a fun surprise later on. Maybe it won't arrive at all. That's ok too.

Really. It is. Smile. Enjoy your life. Think about all the wonderful parts of your life. You have family. You have disposable income. You are here & alive & healthy & living in the most prosperous place on earth.

 

I don't get this persnicketing over a present.

[Sparkle]

Ugh. I'm sorry, that truly stinks. I would grumble in private (and if anyone brings up the whole idea again next year, I would say to forget it). :grouphug:

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Ask yourself this: What will complaining accomplish? Based on your honest reply to that question, do what you honestly think is best (not what would make you *feel* best, kwim?).

[Danestress]

I would be disappointed too. I don't see the point of making a fuss though. It won't actually make you feel better and it will just make everyone else feel uncomfortable. I wonder if the snappy BIL is just yanking your cord?

 

Anyway, I wouldn't say anything. I would just think of it as an opportunity to extend grace to someone. But next year, I think I would let the extended family know that I would prefer to make a donation to charity in the name of the extended family, and just not participate. My sisters and I have a rule that we give to our parents and to the children, but not to married siblings or their spouses. The exception is if we see the "perfect" thing, but then we give it with an apology ("I know we agreed not to exchange persents, but I saw this and couldn't resist."

[Colleen]

I voted to get over it. You took part in a gift exchange that you don't really care about anyway (I wouldn't care, either). Then, even though you didn't care, you took it a wee bit too seriously (imo) ~ going so far as to send out reminders to people. (And btw, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of those reminders. I really would not want someone emailing me to remind me that Christmas is "only" 9 weeks away. Ack!)

 

Now, amidst weather that's been fairly challenging, you've been informed that your "Secret Santa" (oh, how I hate that term:D) is behind the game. Is it the lack of present right here and now that's so upsetting to you? Or the fact that you "followed the rules" and this other person didn't? I just...honestly, all I can say is to get over it. I'm sorry!:grouphug:

 

ETA: I wouldn't participate again, but not because you got your feathers ruffled this time around. I just think these kinda of things are downright silly. Just bypass it and, if you feel compelled to justify yourself (though you needn't), let folks know that you prefer to gift charitable causes.

Edited December 24, 2008 by Colleen

[OnTheBrink]

I understand your frustrations. We go through this every year with my mother. Her gifts are always late, while I kill myself trying to get mine delivered on time.

 

I'd not pitch a fit, though. After the reveal, the reason your gift is late might become evident.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I wouldn't say anything unless nothing comes at all. Then it would be a problem for me only because I went to all the trouble to do it right.

 

FWIW, many of my things that were ordered online still haven't arrived for my dc. They will have to wait until after Christmas for some of their stuff, too. It's all a part of it. Eventhough I got it done and ordered early, it depended on the other person getting it done quickly as well. It didn't happen in a couple of instances, but, that's the way the cookie crumbles!

 

Enjoy your Christmas anyway!

[PrairieAir]

I voted have a private temper tantrum and get over it. I hate these gift exchanges. I would absolutely hate that I played by the rules in one that I did not want any part of to begin with and then the person who had my name did not. It isn't the lack of a present that would bother me but being put in that situation and following the rules when not everyone else did. It really pisses me off when I play by the rules and others don't. I would have quite the temper tantrum--but privately. I find that really helps a lot in being able to let go of things when they are beyond my control anyway.

 

However, I do agree with Colleen about the reminders. I doubt I would have responded rudely to them, but I would have been annoyed. I would feel a little insulted that someone felt they needed to remind me continually unless I knew for sure that everyone was getting them and this was what the entire group had wanted.

 

Can I just say once more that I really hate exchanges? We don't draw names for ours and I hate not being able to pick a gift that I know will be appreciated unless it's cash or a gift certificate. I hate any *exchange*. It implies that gift giving is not only expected but required. Then it makes it into an exchange rather than a gift. You don't give a gift because you're expecting something back. That isn't a true gift in my book. And I don't like to give out of necessity. I want to be free to give a well-thought gift from my heart and within my budget. I wish people would stop writing rules for gift giving!

[teachermom2834]

I would not make a fuss. I understand annoyance though I wouldn't be as upset as you appear to be. FIL is late on gift for one of my dc and MIL didn't get anything here on time. My dc are rolling with it just fine. It's just life sometimes.

 

I also would not make a fuss because what if there is a really good reason? What if this person ordered online and had it shipped a month ago? Some of these companies drop the ball every year. What if they got you the absolute perfect something and really went out of their way for it? Would you feel embarassed if you had complained?

 

I just don't see how this can be good for you if you complain. Worst case scenario you end up embarassed because this person got you the most thoughtful gift ever, best case scenario you just look really high maintainance.

 

I'd just roll with it and be very understanding on the outside even if you are fuming inside. It's just not worth it.

 

FWIW, I can picture myself in this situation and I might be annoyed if it was someone who generally annoyed me but understanding if it was someone I generally enjoy. I don't know if any of that is going on here but I can be guilty of that sometimes.

 

Hope you feel better about this soon. Sorry it happened to you. I'm not a big fan of exchanges either. Gifting out of obligation is not fun.

 

Marie

[swellmomma]

I say just get over it. Aside from the fact having a tantrum about it equates to greediness in my book (I wouldn't allow my kids to tantrum over a missing gift I would expect the adults to behave themselves). Also you don't know why it is late, maybe that person was having something custom made for you and it was delayed. Maybe it was something off Amazon that was delayed. I just cancelled an amazon order last week that I placed in November and it still had not shipped 1 month later. Maybe life just got in the way of their good intentions and extending a bit of grace is the answer here. From the sounds of it the person was not blowing you off, they are simply delayed in getting you a gift, so get over it, enjoy the holiday with your family and extend a little grace to your secret santa.

[Blessedfamily]

I would let it go and not participate next year. The reason I wouldn't participate next year is because you really didn't want to anyway.

 

It's understandable to just buy for kids and not the adults.

[BlueGator]

I don't think your angry about the present, you trusted this person to come through and she didn't. You knew it was an unrealistic expectation.

 

I would put a smile on my face and have a great Christmas. Families are complicated and it gets really much more complicated at Christmas.

 

Forgive your Secret Santa and extend her grace. Trust your initial gut feeling next time and say no or yes with a gracious smile and no expectations.

[Stacy in NJ]

Ummm.

Just let it go. So your present will arrive late. So what - you'll have a fun surprise later on. Maybe it won't arrive at all. That's ok too.

Really. It is. Smile. Enjoy your life. Think about all the wonderful parts of your life. You have family. You have disposable income. You are here & alive & healthy & living in the most prosperous place on earth.

 

I don't get this persnicketing over a present.

 

 

Yes. You're an adult and I'm sure you know that occasionally people disappoint.

:001_smile:

[elegantlion]

I say have the private tantrum, bathrooms or closets are best for those :D, then get over it. Usually about the time I get all worked up about something and want to chew someone out I get an in-your-face reminder that they have bigger problems than me. I would smile, hold my tongue, and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised after Christmas.

[Just a Jen in Mississippi]

I would let it go and not participate next year. The reason I wouldn't participate next year is because you really didn't want to anyway.

 

It's understandable to just buy for kids and not the adults.

:iagree:

 

I would be upset too. I just wouldn't participate next year.

 

This is the first year we've told family we aren't buying for other adults. It's been liberating and made Christmas much more enjoyable. I hate meaningless exchanges, especially when you have to tell someone what you want. What's the point in that?

[katalaska]

I had my little tantrum in private (to dh, who totally "gets it" since this is his family we're dealing with). I really did think that was the best response...just to complain out loud to someone who understands but with whom it would not go any further...and then proceed to get over it.

 

This whole thing has just been a pain. The dollar limit was $150 (!!!) And we were NOT allowed to ask for cash, gift cards could only make up 1/2 of the gift, and you were NOT allowed to ask for things for anyone but your yourself (my first response was "Perfect, so I'll just make a list of things for my kids and I'll buy for my assigned person whatever they want" but that was nixed from the get-go).

 

Dh and I thought the dollar limit was outrageous. Since it was $150 in, $150 out, we decided to ask for things we were planning on buying ourselves. For instance, on my list were things like a set of four glass drinking glasses to match my new-to-me secondhand set of dishes I bought off craigslist on August, some thick padded running socks (I don't have enough), a book for our homeschool ($30 on Amazon) that I've been wanting, and the DVD for a home-study course I want to take. So it was all practical and things I would get eventually (i.e. in the next twelve months). Dh's list included shaving supplies and cold-weather running clothes (i.e. leggings and a hoodie).

 

My assigned person wanted video games and DVDs and a flashlight. So I bought those off Amazon and had them shipped to him. Dh's person wanted a new set of scriptures, a Zippo lighter (don't ask me why--none of us smoke!), How to Win Friends and Influence People book, and some jeans from Old Navy. So we bought those online and had them shipped.

 

Part of the reason I'm annoyed is this isn't a $10 exchange--it's an outrageous $150 exchange.

 

However, I'm trying to play nice because the person who sent me the email saying Secret Santa was trying very hard not to be late this year was my sil...so either she or her husband is my Secret Santa. She's normally a very organized, get-it-done-on-time type of person and so my initial annoyance has changed to worry... I hope her tardiness is not an indication of things going very wrong in her life! She has emailed and called (and responded to emails and calls) less and less over the past couple of years and it has been seven years since we've seen each other.

 

All of this explanation to say...I had my private tantrum, decided it is a good thing my sil got me (it probably doesn't seem like it from my question here but I'm actually one of the few who would be able to take this situation "well"), and am trying to understand and hope that she is okay. If some other family members--those known for their unreliability--had had me as their person, I wouldn't be too surprised if they were late. But for my sil to be late (assuming it IS her, since she sent the email) is unusual and concerning. It is unlikely that she is doing this "on purpose" or "to show" me something (althought she might have considered it with other family members as payback!)...she is the least-liked of all the spouses and although I do not have a close relationship with her I am closest...if that makes sense. She does not get along well with my mil, fil, or siblings-in-law and they generally do not get along well with her.

 

**sigh**

[Haiku]

Gifts should never be an obligation. I can understand how you are feeling frustrated because you participated in this somewhat reluctantly, but to call someone out on not living up to their "gift obligation" would be beyond rude, imo. Don't have a private tantrum and don't complain. Simply let it go.

 

Tara

[Kris]

I had my little tantrum in private (to dh, who totally "gets it" since this is his family we're dealing with). I really did think that was the best response...just to complain out loud to someone who understands but with whom it would not go any further...and then proceed to get over it.

 

This whole thing has just been a pain. The dollar limit was $150 (!!!) And we were NOT allowed to ask for cash, gift cards could only make up 1/2 of the gift, and you were NOT allowed to ask for things for anyone but your yourself (my first response was "Perfect, so I'll just make a list of things for my kids and I'll buy for my assigned person whatever they want" but that was nixed from the get-go).

 

Dh and I thought the dollar limit was outrageous. Since it was $150 in, $150 out, we decided to ask for things we were planning on buying ourselves. For instance, on my list were things like a set of four glass drinking glasses to match my new-to-me secondhand set of dishes I bought off craigslist on August, some thick padded running socks (I don't have enough), a book for our homeschool ($30 on Amazon) that I've been wanting, and the DVD for a home-study course I want to take. So it was all practical and things I would get eventually (i.e. in the next twelve months). Dh's list included shaving supplies and cold-weather running clothes (i.e. leggings and a hoodie).

 

My assigned person wanted video games and DVDs and a flashlight. So I bought those off Amazon and had them shipped to him. Dh's person wanted a new set of scriptures, a Zippo lighter (don't ask me why--none of us smoke!), How to Win Friends and Influence People book, and some jeans from Old Navy. So we bought those online and had them shipped.

 

Part of the reason I'm annoyed is this isn't a $10 exchange--it's an outrageous $150 exchange.

 

However, I'm trying to play nice because the person who sent me the email saying Secret Santa was trying very hard not to be late this year was my sil...so either she or her husband is my Secret Santa. She's normally a very organized, get-it-done-on-time type of person and so my initial annoyance has changed to worry... I hope her tardiness is not an indication of things going very wrong in her life! She has emailed and called (and responded to emails and calls) less and less over the past couple of years and it has been seven years since we've seen each other.

 

All of this explanation to say...I had my private tantrum, decided it is a good thing my sil got me (it probably doesn't seem like it from my question here but I'm actually one of the few who would be able to take this situation "well"), and am trying to understand and hope that she is okay. If some other family members--those known for their unreliability--had had me as their person, I wouldn't be too surprised if they were late. But for my sil to be late (assuming it IS her, since she sent the email) is unusual and concerning. It is unlikely that she is doing this "on purpose" or "to show" me something (althought she might have considered it with other family members as payback!)...she is the least-liked of all the spouses and although I do not have a close relationship with her I am closest...if that makes sense. She does not get along well with my mil, fil, or siblings-in-law and they generally do not get along well with her.

 

**sigh**

 

You know, I don't completely understand everything, of course, since I'm not you, but there are so many emotions and "things" going on, it's no surprise that you wanted to get some feedback and vent a little. It's more than just throwing a tantrum about not getting a present. You've got disappointment and worry and frustration in there, too.

 

I think it was pretty great of you guys to "play along," even though with the dollar limit ( :eek: ) and all the rules, it sure didn't sound like any fun at all. It sounded more like a job! Personally, I don't think gift-giving, for *any* occasion, should be a task that's required to be performed. If I see something that makes me think of someone else -- and I have the money, which in itself is rare :001_smile: -- I just get it for them and give it to them. Not just at Christmas time. Frankly, I don't want that special "something" sitting in the closet if that person doesn't happen to be around anymore when the calendar says I'm supposed to give it to them.

 

I really hope your SIL is okay. From what you say, it sounds like she's dealing with a lot, not the least of which might be feeling alienated from the rest of the family. It's possible that, if you don't receive anything from her, it might even be the best thing, bringing you two closer together if she takes this opportunity to tell you what's really going on -- to vent herself a little bit.

[elegantlion]

150.00 gift exchange!! Whoa :w00t:. That seems like an extreme dollar amount. There have been many years I didn't/couldn't spend that for my dh and ds combined.

 

I bow out for next year for sure and blame the economy. :lol:

[Tree House Academy]

You know, I was thinking "get over it" at first too...but $150 gift exchange! WHAT?? That is an absurd amount to spend barely willingly and then get NOTHING in return. I'd be privately pissed too.

 

In the years I have been on message boards, I have done lots of "swaps" and only 1 time did I have a person who totally flaked. I was so mad, I could scream and it WAS at $20 swap). It is just careless and rude on the part of the other person. However, I did the yelling at her and NOT the buddy she failed to buy for (I was the coordinator). I also went out with my money and bought the one who did not receive a thing a gift. Then I made sure the person who did the flaking did not participate in any further swaps as well.

[BlueGator]

I was wrong, it is about the present and complicated family relationships.

 

$150???? :confused:

[dawn of ns]

I'd let it go but next year decide NOT to do the Secret Santa thing. It sounds like a lot of work and too much potential for hurt feelings.

[bettyandbob]

I voted have a private temper tantrum. You never look good when you point out this kind of "wrong" even if you have been wronged.

 

I would never again participate in this kind of exchange. In fact I might opt out of presents altogether. Maybe something small to MIL/FIL, but that's it.

 

My family did this once about twenty years ago and it didn't turn out well either.

[klmama]

I'm glad you are feeling better. Still, $150? That's crazy! I would handle the whole thing gracefully this year, but when the topic comes up next year I would have your dh insist on a reasonable limit or you two won't participate. By reasonable, I mean $20-30.

 

Actually, if you don't want to exchange gifts at all, I would do that next year. It sounds like a good point at which to drop out of the game. That's how my dh and I got out of the family gift exchange problem with his siblings - we just didn't participate one year - and the next year, everyone agreed to just stop it.

[RoughCollie]

I voted not to say a word and act like everything is fine, because I think that would be polite. I might later privately ask my Secret Santa what had happened, after giving him or her plenty of time to approach me.

 

The $150 present cost astounds me, and so does the wish list. I know that plenty of adults have wish lists that others choose from to buy them presents. But I don't like it. It seems mercenary to me -- if someone is going to choose a gift from a list, why not just tell the person that gifts won't be exchanged and buy the item for yourself?

 

It sounds to me like all the fun was taken out of the process. To me, the fun part is figuring out what a person would really like (within my budget) and hopefully delighting them with the selection. I think that the cost of the gift is beside the point -- some of the best gifts I have ever received were very thoughtful, did not cost much, and completely delighted me. The thoughtfulness of the selection meant as much to me as the gift itself did.

 

Obligatory gifts are something I do not like -- either as the giver or as the receiver.

 

The $150 price tag -- I can't get past that. Do you suppose your Secret Santa ran out of money?

 

RC

[katalaska]

I voted not to say a word and act like everything is fine, because I think that would be polite. I might later privately ask my Secret Santa what had happened, after giving him or her plenty of time to approach me.

RC

 

That's where I'm leaning...not say anything and later (after she gets back from visiting her family/holidays are over) ask if everything is okay.

 

As for the $150...that's the number one reason dh and I didn't want to participate in the first place. We wanted it to be between $25 and $50. We also expressed concern that some family members (i.e. singles graduated from college with student loan debt and a first job...or the couple with less than $30k annual income and a severely handicapped child) wouldn't be able to afford it. We were assured that everyone was absolutely FINE with the amount (especially when we found out the less than $30k family had a budget of $650 for Christmas last year). So we decided to create lists of things we were planning on buying over the next year anyway (not a huge list of DVD sets or frivolities).

 

The idea was to create lists above and beyond the dollar amount so that your Secret Santa could pick and choose and "surprise" you...but also that the "surprises" would be things people "actually" wanted or needed. Dh and I had a horrific time coming up with enough things to make the dollar amount!

 

It was fun to see everyone's list and get a better idea of people's interests (by the book or movie they wanted, the clothes they needed, the hobby they wanted supplies for). It was helpful to get specifics (which book, what craft supply, the best place to buy it).

 

However, I must admit that the whole thing was a LOT less fun and fulfilling than I had hoped. Something that was supposed to "create family unity" and "help us get to know each other better" has turned into more of a greed-fest (one of the rules was if you got a $50 item for $5 you still had to spend the entire $150) and a headache as well as opened up a huge potential for disappointment (I have another sil who, to the best of her knowledge, has not received any Secret Santa packages either--but it is possible they were all shipped to mil's house since they live in the same city).

 

Yeah...I'm not so interested in doing this next year!!:thumbdown:

[elegantlion]

Such strict rules for gift giving. Sounds like mercenary/piracy to me. I hope you have a wonderful day anyway.