saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 (edited) We are celebrating Christmas early with my mom as my sister brought her boyfriend who has just moved in with her. Boyfriend seems like a wonderful person who is getting a lot of attention from my dh and kids for obvious reasons, as it’s our first time meeting him. My mom is so incredibly jealous. It’s been entertaining. Ds and her bf are taking it in the stride. Before we were even done eating mom was in her recliner shouting “presents” every few minutes. We finally got done eating and opened presents. Ds and her bf made a big production about gifts and then mom handed out gift bags to the kids. After handing out gifts, she went around and handed out next year’s birthday cards. She had called me last week wanting to know if she gave me the birthday cards would I PROMISE to give them to the kids during their birthday month. I said no I can’t promise that. I never heard anything else about that. This is what she handed out today And she made each one read it out loud before she gave it to them. Then she said if you open it up before hand I will take it back. Thats how this visit is going… dh is sitting next to the window with blinds open😆 Edited December 16, 2023 by saraha 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 I saw the title of the thread and couldn't WAIT to open it. Bless you. 5 1 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 LOL, the picture just makes it so much better. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 I love the teeny tiny “Love Granmda” 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 That is all kinds of fantastic! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 1 minute ago, saraha said: I love the teeny tiny “Love Granmda” Kind of surprising that it is not bigger than the other words, I mean, you wouldn't want to forget who gave you the gift. I'd probably have to frame that! 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 Haha all 6 kids, dh, me and my sister all got envelopes Like that 😆 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knitgrl Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 Hoo boy! I forgot all about the birthday card drama. Glad you are all taking it in stride. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 (edited) Ope, bf just went into the kitchen to get a snack plate of the leftovers and mom asked him if he really needed that plate because she was trying to put the food away. In to go containers. For us to take away… Edited December 16, 2023 by saraha 2 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 7 minutes ago, saraha said: Ope, bf just went into the kitchen to get a snack plate of the leftovers and mom asked him if he really needed that plate because she was trying to put the food away. In to go containers. For us to take away… I think I like the new BF 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 (edited) Bf, In an attempt to make conversation, started talking about this roast my sister made last week and my mom started laughing and asked if it tasted awful because that is NOT how you make a roast. Bf was like oh no, she made it just like my mom used to and it was delicious. My sister and I whipped around holding our breath, but she just shook her head and walked away. Edited December 16, 2023 by saraha 2 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 She just got up and asked dh if he could come change this light bulb on her back porch because she can’t get the screw loose that holds the shade. Dh kind of said did you try to use a screw driver? And she said no I want you to do it. Knowing dh is not comfortable trying to do things like that in front of people now, I said I can reach it, I’ll do it. No, I want dh to do it. mom, I can change a light bulb, it’a ok. No, I want dh to do it. It’s ok, where is the light bulb? At this point dh says I’ll try, so he goes out and tries to unscrew the globe, can’t get it with his fingers, comes back and asks for a screwdriver. She gets him one and I follow him out and help guide the screw driver so he can turn it. She stands there saying Sarah he doesn’t need your help. Except HE DOES 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 8 minutes ago, saraha said: She just got up and asked dh if he could come change this light bulb on her back porch because she can’t get the screw loose that holds the shade. Dh kind of said did you try to use a screw driver? And she said no I want you to do it. Knowing dh is not comfortable trying to do things like that in front of people now, I said I can reach it, I’ll do it. No, I want dh to do it. mom, I can change a light bulb, it’a ok. No, I want dh to do it. It’s ok, where is the light bulb? At this point dh says I’ll try, so he goes out and tries to unscrew the globe, can’t get it with his fingers, comes back and asks for a screwdriver. She gets him one and I follow him out and help guide the screw driver so he can turn it. She stands there saying Sarah he doesn’t need your help. Except HE DOES 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Wow. Your poor dh. How insensitive of her. 17 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 15 minutes ago, saraha said: She just got up and asked dh if he could come change this light bulb on her back porch because she can’t get the screw loose that holds the shade. Dh kind of said did you try to use a screw driver? And she said no I want you to do it. Knowing dh is not comfortable trying to do things like that in front of people now, I said I can reach it, I’ll do it. No, I want dh to do it. mom, I can change a light bulb, it’a ok. No, I want dh to do it. It’s ok, where is the light bulb? At this point dh says I’ll try, so he goes out and tries to unscrew the globe, can’t get it with his fingers, comes back and asks for a screwdriver. She gets him one and I follow him out and help guide the screw driver so he can turn it. She stands there saying Sarah he doesn’t need your help. Except HE DOES 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Does she think it’s therapy for him or something?!? Is she trying to convince herself that if she had major vision issues, she would be able to continue to do stuff? My MIL seems to have a need to have things go wrong so that she can fix them. She would unfailingly feed my kids choking hazards when I would leave the room—giant pieces of food, hot dogs improperly cut up, etc. She had been around (as an adult, I believe) when a child choked and died on a hot dog many years ago. She didn’t buy hot dogs for gatherings before I had littles, and she stopped buying them after (unless asked for a cookout). Anyway, I think some of these narcissistic people tend to think they can flout death and decline like they do everything else, and it makes them so bizarre stuff. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 I don’t know but we are now getting ready to go. I’m done 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 Yup. Time to go! Drive away and let the *actual* holiday season begin! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 I am really proud of you for not accepting the responsibility to dole out birthday cards this year! Hopefully it’s cash and she will never know if an envelope got opened early. If a check, just let your kids do what they will, when they want, and leave any consequence between them and gramma. I’m sorry she put your dh on the spot like that. She wasn’t thinking of him, only of herself and her need to command others about. Wishing you and your sis hearts of laughter to finish up this day. So nice you got to meet the new bf, sounds like he’s shaking things up and that’s great. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 As soon as I said, well, ds23 has his work party tonight, bf was like yeah we need to get in the road too, 5 hour trip and all and like a whirlwind everything is being whisked out! I’m taking ds straight to his work party and she keeps trying to give him stuff to take home and not listening but other than that I think if we get out soon it went ok ish. And so far bf seems to hold his own with my sister so… he seems like a nicer version of her ex husband. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 I "especially" "like" the quotes. 🙂 Good job surviving, saraha! Safe travels. 3 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 Does your family have any late fall/early winter birthdays?? My birthday is soon and I'm trying to imagine someone at a Christmas gathering giving me a gift for 2024. Ma'am, that's three hundred sixty-one days from now, I will surely misplace it by then. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted December 16, 2023 Share Posted December 16, 2023 Someone shoulda put a book of stamps in granny’s stocking. 6 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 16, 2023 Author Share Posted December 16, 2023 46 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said: Someone shoulda put a book of stamps in granny’s stocking. She won’t use the mail! She has been boycotting the post office for like 3 years! She pays all her bills in person or at Kroger’s. 😆 1 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 2 hours ago, 73349 said: Does your family have any late fall/early winter birthdays?? My birthday is soon and I'm trying to imagine someone at a Christmas gathering giving me a gift for 2024. Ma'am, that's three hundred sixty-one days from now, I will surely misplace it by then. Yes! Ds23 in October and Dd19 in September! I know I would have misplaced them by then, so when she stopped mailing them, I just turned around and gave them right away. It’s funny, being ornery last year, I organized my kids to each by two gift cards to fast food restaurants in her town and we put them in cards labeled by the month. Religiously, she opened each card on the first day of the month and called whatever kid signed the card! She asked them to do it again this year because she likes the surprise. So we did! She made a big show of explaining to bf what the cards mean and how she waits until the FIRST of EVERY MONTH to open them. I always have to call when we get home so she knows we’re home. She talked about bf and how immature he is but that’s my sisters problem and how she was glad to give the kids their birthday cards. And how she knows they all read the outside of them. And I read it. And dh read it. And she expects everyone to stick to their word 😆 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 (edited) Oh I forgot to say that when I asked about spending time with my sister and bf last night when they got there, she replied, well he didn’t get on my nerves or anything 😆 Overall, this visit was the best one in a while. Maybe the secret is to do brunch or lunch? Or just invite random people who are not shy? 🤷🏼♀️😆 Edited December 17, 2023 by saraha 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 Oh wait, I just got another call to tell me she bought a whole bunch of eggs because my sister asked her to buy eggs so she bought 3 dozen! And she was going to send the extra home with me, but she forgot. I replied that’s all right, eggs last a long time and she said I don’t eat eggs anymore! I am egged out and will never eat another egg again! I said well maybe one of your sisters can use some, so she decided she would start making some phone calls on Monday morning to find someone who might want eggs 😆 2 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 Someone needs a recipe for Mayak eggs. It might be impossible to have too many of those, since it translates to something like drug eggs or crack eggs because they are so addictive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 4 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: Someone needs a recipe for Mayak eggs. It might be impossible to have too many of those, since it translates to something like drug eggs or crack eggs because they are so addictive. I googled them, interesting! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 (edited) The only other thing that stuck in my craw about today was that she bought these frozen French toast sticks (even though my sister clearly stated she and bf were making waffles) and got annoyed when no one wanted them, choosing the fresh made waffles. So she made a show of grabbing the plate after everyone went through the line and throwing them in the trash. Also, she bought hot chocolate and mint spoons to stir them, and then was mad that only three of the kids drank the hot chocolate even though it was like 85 degrees in her house and everyone was down to their T-shirts and sweating. Like if everyone doesn’t do whatever, eat the French toast or drink a hot chocolate it literally hurts her feelings. Even if some people do, if it’s not everyone, it doesn’t count. It’s like at thanksgiving, I made two kinds of taco meat, we had all this beautiful fresh food and she was mad because she bought a bunch of frozen burritos and nobody ate them. We serve buffet style so they just were not chosen. She was mad then and made a big show of throwing them away. Not sure what if anything to do about that. I know she’s a picky eater and that she prefers frozen food. We grew up eating a ton of frozen food. But it’s like it insults her that people make different choices than she does. Prefer different foods than she does. Cooks food or does anything in a way that is different than she would, she takes it very personally. Like we are purposely insulting her because we don’t do everything like she does. Like we think we are better than her. I know that’s a her problem, but I’m not sure what to do when she gets mad people don’t choose her offerings. Edited December 17, 2023 by saraha 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 7 minutes ago, saraha said: The only other thing that stuck in my craw about today was that she bought these frozen French toast sticks (even though my sister clearly stated she and bf were making waffles) and got annoyed when no one wanted them, choosing the fresh made waffles. So she made a show of grabbing the plate after everyone went through the line and throwing them in the trash. It’s like at thanksgiving, I made two kinds of taco meat, we had all this beautiful fresh food and she was mad because she bought a bunch of frozen burritos and nobody ate them. We serve buffet style so they just were not chosen. She was mad then and made a big show of throwing them away. Not sure what if anything to do about that. Share here, roll your eyes, move on. You won't be able to win. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 32 minutes ago, saraha said: I googled them, interesting! Same here. I might try making them even though I would be the only person who would eat them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 21 minutes ago, Ottakee said: Same here. I might try making them even though I would be the only person who would eat them. Good. You won't want to share anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 11 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: Good. You won't want to share anyway. Do you have a favorite recipe? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 5 minutes ago, Ottakee said: Do you have a favorite recipe? Not really, but it is better to use ingredients that will add to the layers of flavour. White sugar adds sweetness but doesn't contribute much else, for example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 aw. .. bless her heart. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 12 hours ago, saraha said: I’m not sure what to do when she gets mad people don’t choose her offerings. That's not something to take any action on. People like what they like, and it might not be what she likes. She can get mad if she wants to. 🤷♂️ 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knitgrl Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 @saraha said, "I’m not sure what to do when she gets mad people don’t choose her offerings." It's not even like her offerings were homemade. 🤷 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 17, 2023 Author Share Posted December 17, 2023 29 minutes ago, knitgrl said: @saraha said, "I’m not sure what to do when she gets mad people don’t choose her offerings." It's not even like her offerings were homemade. 🤷 I know, but she attaches personal feelings to the rejection of those offerings, which she genuinely likes and doesn’t understand why others don’t. And I feel bad that she’s sad, but I also think she puts a disproportionate amount of her self worth on those offerings. It’s a pattern I’m seeing emerge now that my sister and I had a coup and took over the food at holidays. Before, she did all the food. Now that we are in charge of the food, she wants to continue to contribute, but then gets mad when something I made gets entirely eaten while her contribution is barely touched. Or when she gets mad because she buys 30 hot chocolate packets and 3 get used and there is 10 of us and it’s 85 degrees in the house. I want to prevent hard feelings when I can and save my ability to tolerate for things I can’t prevent. But it feels like the only way to prevent hard feelings around her foods is to just eat it all, and that’s not feasible. I always add whatever she contributes to my plate, just like I would for anyone else whether I want it or not, but it also feels like overstepping to tell my adult kids to be sure to eat some frozen French toast when there are so many better options available. But on the other hand, isn’t it polite to at least try all the offerings? Like I should be encouraging them to try those frozen burritos? It feels like the polite thing to do. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that dd21 only had a hot chocolate because my mom wouldn’t leave her alone about it. She just kept following her around saying “there’s hot chocolate in there” so in that sense I get frustrated and it makes me not want to prevent hard feelings. And, when asked what she could contribute, my sister told her toast, eggs, drinks, serving and tableware. She added the frozen French toast and store bought cinnamon rolls herself. I did get to the cinnamon roll pan and cut all the cinnamon rolls in half thinking that people might be more likely to take a half cinnamon roll in addition to the other offerings than a whole one. She didn’t eat any of the French toast or cinnamon rolls either because she’s diabetic and can’t have them. We have potluck buffets at my in-laws often and I have never put this much thought into what I put on my plate when we eat there. If something looks tasty it goes on my plate, if it doesn’t, I don’t take it. No one is watching and judging the choices people put on their plates. No one is standing next to their offering going “here just trrrryyy iiiiiitttt” It doesn’t seem like the food is fraught like it is at my mom’s. Maybe in taking over the food, my sister and I are actually being brats? We did it because it has always been so fraught and mom wouldn’t give any consideration to the two vegetarians or the lactose intolerant but then be mad they didn’t eat what she gave them. It was becoming this weird power struggle, so after the famous taco thanksgiving, we took the opportunity to change the status quo, but maybe that was wrong of us? I don’t know, I’m just seeing there is new pattern emerging and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel obsolete or whatever feelings she is having about the change. Even if she doesn’t extend me the same curtesy. Why is it so complicated?!? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indigo Blue Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 2 minutes ago, saraha said: Why is it so complicated?!? Probably because she can’t or won’t see things from another’s point of view. That’s really the main reason anything ever gets complicated. In my opinion. Don’t feel bad about it. You really can’t change it, anyway. I think you were justified in taking over food if she can’t consider allergies/intolerances. I don’t know what else you could have done, really. No matter what, she is still going to be upset about something. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 10 minutes ago, saraha said: I know, but she attaches personal feelings to the rejection of those offerings, which she genuinely likes and doesn’t understand why others don’t. And I feel bad that she’s sad, but I also think she puts a disproportionate amount of her self worth on those offerings. It’s a pattern I’m seeing Can I just say - for some people. It's *always* "something". 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 @saraha you can't prevent hurt feelings. You just can't. No matter how high you try to build the safety barriers, some people will launch themselves over them. 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberia Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 You will never win with her. It's good you took over the food; you aren't being selfish, you are being kind and solving problems your mom refuses to acknowledge. You have come a long way, but she is still jerking your chain by having you second guess all your decisions. I think you handled everything beautifully. Now just stop over-analyzing everything, and say, "that's just mom being mom." You are a good daughter, mom, and wife. Hold those boundaries, and keep doing what you're doing. 14 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 Could you assuage her feelings by telling her the holiday meal is special and you and your family like special foods for that meal, but that you'd like to take the leftovers for another not-special meal? Even if you took them and tossed them en route back home. My MIL liked to cook and insisted she make meals for us when we visited from out of town, but the quality of cooking went downhill. Orne of the last meals she made us was goulash, which we used to love. However, this last time, she put everything, including gluten free noodles, into the pot and cooked them all day. It was not delicious. She didn't want the leftovers and insisted on sending anything left with us, even though we weren't local and didn't have anywhere to store it or eat it. Eventually, we just took whatever she wanted to send and threw it away when we needed gas for the car. I didn't like the precedent, but it was the easiest way to not hurt her feelings. I'm thinking out of the box as our situation was very different than yours in that we weren't local to MIL and she didn't have narc tendencies. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 17, 2023 Share Posted December 17, 2023 2 hours ago, Tiberia said: You will never win with her. It's good you took over the food; you aren't being selfish, you are being kind and solving problems your mom refuses to acknowledge. You have come a long way, but she is still jerking your chain by having you second guess all your decisions. I think you handled everything beautifully. Now just stop over-analyzing everything, and say, "that's just mom being mom." You are a good daughter, mom, and wife. Hold those boundaries, and keep doing what you're doing. this. Some people - they will change the rules on a whim (of if they think they're losing). You can't win. You CAN "refuse to play their game". 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.