Deleted.

[SKL]

Time to delete.  I am sorry so many could relate to what I typed.

 

Edited November 26, 2023 by SKL

[Brittany1116]

I relate. I realized I am the one many go to for support but I don't have a me  for myself. 

Any chance you are an oldest child or fit the role of oldest (like first born after a 5+ year gap)? I have wondered if that plays into it.

[historically accurate]

Me, too. It can get to be too much at times. If I'm being hones, it's been too much a lot lately.

[Faith-manor]

28 minutes ago, SKL said:

 

I am in that boat myself. My brother and his wife are dumpster fires, two nieces are dumpster fires, my father was a jack knifed semi truck fire, and several cousins have been raging forest fires. Everyone somehow thinks it is my job to put out their infernos. It gets very, very old. We finally said no, we are tapped out. Worn and tired, need to save for retirement. So now, for the most part, none of them talk to us. We existed in their lives so long as we always cleaned up their messes. At least we know where we stand with them.

Edited November 24, 2023 by Faith-manor

[Pawz4me]

Totally relate.

[SKL]

21 minutes ago, Brittany1116 said:

Any chance you are an oldest child or fit the role of oldest (like first born after a 5+ year gap)? I have wondered if that plays into it.

Oldest daughter, not oldest child.

[scholastica]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

Oldest daughter, not oldest child.

Same thing.

[SKL]

I don't mean to call my loved ones dumpster fires.  I just mean there are very difficult issues that need to be addressed.  Maybe dumpster fire has the wrong connotation.

[Faith-manor]

Does anyone think this phenomenon may be related to those old notions that better off relatives are socially bound to assist their less well of kin? I was just thinking about Pride and Prejudice, trying to marry the girls off well so their son in laws would be obligated to take care of them. Seems like a lot of social obligations surrounding family have been much abused.

[Faith-manor]

SKL, I get it and am not offended by your adjective. You are venting here, not directly to your relatives. And yes, some people, like my eldest niece, just keep making the most awful choices compounded on top of bad circumstances that she didn't ask for, but also will not make strides towards improving. The end result is it just does look like a landfill of mess is perpetually burning. I love her! I am sure you love your fire starters as well. However, love doesn't change the fact that they take so much, drain us so much emotionally and physically, that in the end, they are pushing us to have to stop assisting. They may not mean to suck the life force out, yet that is often the reality. Humans have limits. And to take care of our own immediate family, we can be forced to allow others to fend for themselves even if that wouldn't be our preference in a perfect world.

[Soror]

It is hard being the one that always has everything together. I don't think it matters how with it you are. I think we all need support and help. It is exhausting to be on call for everyone else without having support for ourselves.

With my work, I've found the phrase "it's all relative" to be very apt. 

I have a family now that is a very good example of this. One parent is out of the home due to a positive drug test (meth) and one of the kids has missed so much school they are in danger of removal. Yet, this family is the support for other people in their family because they are more with it than the rest of them. 

I find it to be interesting, to say the least.  

For dh and I, both of our siblings made some boneheaded decisions in their younger years but we had parents that handled that. These days everyone has matured and it is not really a concern any longer. Now, in my extended family there is some idiocy but I don't have to deal with them.

[marbel]

Yes, I can relate, having been there most of my life. I'm the youngest of 3, but was always the oldest in terms of having it together. There have been times it's been a burden. 

[Ottakee]

I totally get it.  I am always taking care of everyone else, figuring out their Medicaid, Medicare, disability, doctors appointments, etc.

i have 3 young adult children with special needs plus a son in law with special needs.

I have a younger brother with severe alcohol issues so I take care of all of his financial and medical stuff.

Then there is my elderly mom that will need assisted living soon who is in a power wheelchair and struggling to transfer on her own.

next is an ex husband in prison where I am still POA as his family is all deceased and our kids can t handle it.

lastly I work special Ed and so this all day, every day.

[Faith-manor]

19 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I totally get it.  I am always taking care of everyone else, figuring out their Medicaid, Medicare, disability, doctors appointments, etc.

i have 3 young adult children with special needs plus a son in law with special needs.

I have a younger brother with severe alcohol issues so I take care of all of his financial and medical stuff.

Then there is my elderly mom that will need assisted living soon who is in a power wheelchair and struggling to transfer on her own.

next is an ex husband in prison where I am still POA as his family is all deceased and our kids can t handle it.

lastly I work special Ed and so this all day, every day.

Many, many hugs Ottakee!

[SKL]

Although cash has been the solution many times, I'm not even talking about that right now.

The fallout if I screw this up and things go wrong is unspeakable and unthinkable.  It's not a "cut the umbilical cord" kind of situation.

[Faith-manor]

I am very sorry, SKL. Lots of hugs. That is a very tough spot to find oneself.

[fraidycat]

I can, unfortunately, relate. It's not even that I have to put out the dumpster fires, but I do have to be the emotional support animal through them.

I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by monkeys flinging their emotional poo at me at an unrelenting pace. I can't get the turds scraped off before the next onslaught comes.

It's exhausting.

[Lady Florida.]

I can relate. I'm not currently in that situation but I have been, and I see something happening that means I will be again in the not to distant future.

Oldest child of an oldest child here.

Edited November 24, 2023 by Lady Florida.

[Ottakee]

24 minutes ago, SKL said:

Although cash has been the solution many times, I'm not even talking about that right now.

The fallout if I screw this up and things go wrong is unspeakable and unthinkable.  It's not a "cut the umbilical cord" kind of situation.

Sorry you are dealing with that.  Sometimes there just only so much you can do.

[-----]

nm

Edited August 31 by kathyl

[chocolate-chip chooky]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

It's interesting being the person everyone views as "the stable one," "the calm one," "the wise one," "the one who has it all together."

Just because I am not a perpetual dumpster fire, that doesn't mean I am equipped to put out all the other dumpster fires.

But I guess I have to be.  So I guess I am.

Who else can relate?

 

Oh my goodness yes. I totally can relate.

I've had to say at times 'what happens if the rock starts to crack?'

 

[Faith-manor]

41 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Oh my goodness yes. I totally can relate.

I've had to say at times 'what happens if the rock starts to crack?'

 

Agreed. My brother and his wife and one of the nieces was actually mad at me when I was in the cat accident because how dare the strong one, everyone's personal crutch, be out of commission. They did not care about me as a human at all, much less a family member.

So many families I know are like this. One person is expected to shoulder the entire family world. It feels so crushing at times. It is one of a myriad of reasons why I had to cut my brother, sil, and niece out. I couldn't so it anymore. I broke. The rock shattered into a lot of pieces for a while. I eventually pulled it together, but with a hard boundary after that 

I feel so bad for SKL. I can tell she is really feeling the weight right now.

[City Mouse]

Oh yes, I feel like that quite a lot with my parents/siblings over the past couple of years. Thankfully,I am almost done with it. I’m spending my thanksgiving driving 12hrs each way to clean out my deceased mother’s storage unit because not one of my 4 siblings that all live much closer would take any initiative to do it.  Also, I may have yo come back next spring to meet with an attorney to get probate started. When this is all done. I’m a never stepping foot in this town again! (Maybe an exaggeration, but today I’m not so sure)

after reading everyone’s posts a second time, I just had to add this like to the song from Encanto.  https://youtu.be/tQwVKr8rCYw?si=GC9dQjVSLoJ_FSgd

Edited November 24, 2023 by City Mouse

[Grace Hopper]

Yes, I am always the one to step in because I have the ability to deal well with complex details plus the ability to switch off emotions in a crisis. Not sure those are both admirable traits, but do seem to be the ones that put me in the load-carrier position.

SKL, I am sorry you are in a tough spot. You can make the wisest, most logical decisions and there’s still the risk of upsetting others because of emotional reactions. I hope that all works out for you.