Anyone Have an Autistic Mom?

[JumpyTheFrog]

Do any of you have a mom you know or think might be autistic? My attempt to google this came up mostly with articles about being the autistic mom or about having an autistic dad. My mom has some traits that either point to ADHD with poor social skills and/or being on the mild end of the spectrum.

[GailV]

A friend with three kids (18yo and above) has recently been diagnosed as autistic.

She instagrams about her journey through this as the mom.

I have no idea if her kids are putting out stuff about being her kids. I suspect not.

[Katy]

I wondered about my mom but I think she has too much visual imagination to actually get a diagnosis. And I don't think she had delays like my DD with autism. But she definitely has social skills deficits. When I was a kid I thought it was a cultural difference because we lived in a small Southern town and she was from the Midwest. But the older she gets, and especially after moving back to the Midwest... idk. She's the kind of person who gets a job done really well but gets actually angry when coworkers talk. She can be a rigid thinker. She also has a history of depression and when super depressed she fits the definition of BPD really well. Not when her mental health is good though.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I am an autistic mom, but my mom is not.  She has other issues but autism is not one of them.

My dad is almost certainly on the spectrum, undiagnosed, and it significantly impacted my life and childhood. I have worked very hard in therapy to try to keep my autism from affecting my children in the same or similar ways.

Edited October 2, 2023 by Mrs Tiggywinkle Again

[JumpyTheFrog]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

But she definitely has social skills deficits.

Don't flame me anyone: I'm wondering where the line is between poor social skills and being on the spectrum, with my mom at least.

[MEmama]

I'm certain my dad is autistic, and I suspect I'm on the spectrum. DS is diagnosed. Im sure my other siblings have ADHD (sister diagnosed young, brother shares so many ADHD traits with DS). I've seen it in other relatives on my dads side as well.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Nobody ever talked about feelings when I was a kid. When I was 17, I was devestated by a breakup. My mom didn't seem to notice. My dad's (probable ADHD) attempt to cheer me up was to offer me the free sample of conditioner that some company mailed to us. (That's assuming he even noticed. He may have just given it to me because it came in the mail.) 

The lack of any discussion about feelings held me back in my social life. I had friends, but I had zero idea how to tell them I was mad at them about something or work through relationship problems because I didn't see it modeled at all. What's helped me a lot as an adult has been extensive listening to podcasts (Jordan Harbinger especially) and seeing people here post scripts for wording about dealing with various issues.

[regentrude]

22 minutes ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

Nobody ever talked about feelings when I was a kid. ...

The lack of any discussion about feelings held me back in my social life.

Just a comment: Not talking about feelings does not have to mean autism. In my family, we didn't talk about feelings because that just "wasn't done". We lived with my grandmother, an outgoing gregarious woman with great social skills, who never spoke about feelings in all the years. It was considered good manners to handle your feelings by yourself and not bother other people with them. My mother is very reserved and private and only in the last years since my father's illness has talked about feelings. Nobody in my family is autistic.

Edited October 2, 2023 by regentrude

[JumpyTheFrog]

16 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Just a comment: Not talking about feelings does not have to mean autism. In my family, we didn't talk about feelings because that just "wasn't done". We lived with my grandmother, an outgoing gregarious woman with great social skills, who never spoke about feelings in all the years. It was considered good manners to handle your feelings by yourself and not bother other people with them. My mother is very reserved and private and only in the last years since my father's illness has talked about feelings. Nobody in my family is autistic.

Sure, that makes sense. I think the difference is that your grandma had good social skills. My mom doesn't.

[KeriJ]

I searched "growing up with an autistic parent". There were quite a few articles.  I don't mind linking some.

[Laura Corin]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Just a comment: Not talking about feelings does not have to mean autism. In my family, we didn't talk about feelings because that just "wasn't done". We lived with my grandmother, an outgoing gregarious woman with great social skills, who never spoke about feelings in all the years. It was considered good manners to handle your feelings by yourself and not bother other people with them. My mother is very reserved and private and only in the last years since my father's illness has talked about feelings. Nobody in my family is autistic.

Yes. My parents were Brits born in the 1920s/30s. The most my mum said was that she was fond of me. My father didn't get that far .

[WildflowerMom]

Not exactly what you asked, but we're fairly certain my fil is on the spectrum.  

[SHP]

2 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

Don't flame me anyone: I'm wondering where the line is between poor social skills and being on the spectrum, with my mom at least.

Without know more about your mom's early developmental years, what she has learned to mask, how she learned to compensate and all the other things, it would be very hard to provide a really good answer.

Autism is a developmental disability that starts in early childhood. I would like to say that it would be easy to know if there were stories about her being "different" or whatever in early childhood but for families that have a high instance of autism those "red flags" and "early warning signs" are considered normal. 

 

I wish I could give a better answer.

[EKS]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Just a comment: Not talking about feelings does not have to mean autism. In my family, we didn't talk about feelings because that just "wasn't done".

I agree and same here.

[Rosie_0801]

 

2 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

Don't flame me anyone: I'm wondering where the line is between poor social skills and being on the spectrum, with my mom at least.

What difference will it make to you to know?

 

If your mum had a traumatic upbringing, you may not be able to figure it out unless you have enough family history to see a pattern.

(I don't know whether my parents are or not. I've always assumed my mother was NT, but with her traumatic upbringing there was too much else going on to tell. Her social skills were better than mine, but she was always the black sheep of the family. My kids and I are not the only autistics on my mother's side, so perhaps they're the masking to the point of neurosis types. My father doesn't make sense to anyone, but is that autism or a lower IQ than the rest of the family or plain old rage?)

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

Don't flame me anyone: I'm wondering where the line is between poor social skills and being on the spectrum, with my mom at least.

Not so much a line as whether other traits included in the diagnosis also fit. 

33 minutes ago, SHP said:

Autism is a developmental disability that starts in early childhood. I would like to say that it would be easy to know if there were stories about her being "different" or whatever in early childhood but for families that have a high instance of autism those "red flags" and "early warning signs" are considered normal. 

I wish I could give a better answer.

Or a third way…the signs have other explanations (Venn diagrams of symptoms with other diagnoses) or the struggles apply mostly to a later developmental stage that isn’t coming easily. Many gifted people manifest as NT until they just don’t.

Masking is not always happening either. Sometimes they really do have social skills (or effective strategies for sensory, etc.). Three very specific and necessary therapies made a lifelong difference to my son, and he doesn’t feel he masks largely because of those—occupational therapy for fight or flight responses, vision therapy for convergence insufficiency (did make a behavioral/social difference in our sports obsessed society), and social/narrative language work connected to feeling and thinking words (he needed a more robust vocabulary with shades of meaning applied to face and body language). And ADHD meds. He would prefer to have them on board, but now that he knows how it feels to have self-control, he can control himself. He probably “masks” without meds, but not so much for ASD traits as making himself concentrate, but I think it’s human to have to work at things that come less naturally. 

[Indigo Blue]

I don’t feel I have anything important to contribute here, but I want to say that I have often speculated whether Dh mom might have been on the spectrum. I feel I have good reason for my speculation. In turn, there are definitely some things about Dh that I never thought about until my younger son was born. Ds, too, has/had some characteristics that show clear signs. All the things I suspected in ds childhood are things that only came to light in hindsight when he was much older.  That is when I began thinking about Dh and his mom. So much seemed to make sense, but also ….there was me to consider. 
 

I looked at myself, speculatively, and took the online test. I met criteria for testing, wasn’t sure it made sense….but I’ve always known I am very, very different from other people. Still later, I learned that the personality characteristics that one can acquire from childhood trauma and also female autism traits/characteristics can be a bit confusing to parse out at first glance. It can look similar on the surface. 
 

Who knows. No one has been, needs to be, or will be tested. But I really feel Dh side (including his mom) may have some family on the spectrum, if truth be known. 
 

I would give more explanation, but someone will say “this or that doesn’t mean you are autistic”. I would say that no two autistic people are the same. Also, I’m not an expert, but I strongly feel these things because there is good reason to feel them. They are not just silly notions that have no basis. 
 

This probably helps none at all. 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Indigo Blue
Typo

[QueenCat]

19 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

Don't flame me anyone: I'm wondering where the line is between poor social skills and being on the spectrum, with my mom at least.

Well, there is more to autism than poor social skills. This is the official criteria:

The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)  provides standardized criteria to help diagnose ASD.

Diagnostic Criteria for 299.00 Autism Spectrum Disorder

To meet diagnostic criteria for ASD according to DSM-5, a child must have persistent deficits in each of three areas of social communication and interaction (see A.1. through A.3. below) plus at least two of four types of restricted, repetitive behaviors (see B.1. through B.4. below).

1. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):
   1. Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.
   2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.
   3. Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior. For either criterion, severity is described in 3 levels: Level 3 – requires very substantial support, Level 2 – Requires substantial support, and Level 1 – requires support.^.1

2. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):
   1. Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).
   2. Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).
   3. Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).
   4. Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior. For either criterion, severity is described in 3 levels: Level 3 – requires very substantial support, Level 2 – Requires substantial support, and Level 1 – requires support.^.1

3. Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).
4. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.
5. These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.

[Indigo Blue]

23 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

What difference will it make to you to know?

 

If your mum had a traumatic upbringing, you may not be able to figure it out unless you have enough family history to see a pattern.

(I don't know whether my parents are or not. I've always assumed my mother was NT, but with her traumatic upbringing there was too much else going on to tell. Her social skills were better than mine, but she was always the black sheep of the family. My kids and I are not the only autistics on my mother's side, so perhaps they're the masking to the point of neurosis types. My father doesn't make sense to anyone, but is that autism or a lower IQ than the rest of the family or plain old rage?)

I just wanted to like your post. 🙂 It’s helpful.