mom2scouts Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 I like alpacas. They're just adorable and funny animals. We have a farm near us where you can go into the fields and feed and pet the alpacas and I loved going there. Anyway, this year for Christmas dh went there to buy my presents. I like practical presents and tell him things I want, but those aren't the things he buys because he wants to surprise me. He bought me a huge stuffed alpaca, which is funny, but I'm still trying to get rid of the mountains of stuffed animals my children have left behind so it's more than a little silly. I'll keep it and find some place for it anyway. He also bought me a beautiful alpaca wool sweater. It was too tight and, while I liked it, it would not have been comfortable to wear. I'm overweight and wear plus sizes. I'm not happy about it since I used to be very thin and I hate how I look and feel now. I have not been successful at losing weight and DH is my worst enabler, constantly bringing home my favorite treats. DH keeps trying to buy me XL shirts (which are a size or two too small) and I recently found another alpaca wool sweater he bought in my closet with the tags still on it because it's also too tight for me. I asked DH to return the sweater. We're on a tight budget and it was very expensive and I can't justify sticking it into the closet hoping I'll lose weight and be able to wear it someday. He kept asking if he should see if they had a bigger one, but I don't think they sell plus sizes there and the sweater requires all kinds of special care (hand wash and dry, roll to dry) that I just don't care to do. He went off to return it, but he seemed really sad. I feel like a jerk. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 Aw, I'm sorry. You're not being a jerk at all. Better for him to return it if you can't use it - especially when it was expensive and money is tight. Big hugs to you on all the issues surrounding the sizing - I am struggling with weight gain/hating the way I look and feel/enabling DH too. It's hard but worse when it contributes to a situation like this. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 I think it's fine to ask him to return something that doesn't fit. If he comes home with a new surprise, you can accept it graciously. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 You aren’t being a jerk. My dh has bought many gifts over the years which didn’t fit or were kind of what I wanted but not close enough to be useful. I would ask for a size medium in something and he would buy a small and tell me it was all they had and then I was supposed to still be happy with it. ?? Not saying that is what your dh is doing but it was so strange to me…like yes you had the right thought but it doesn’t fit so not helpful. ??? Sorry. You are not being a jerk. And sorry that he is trying to be thoughtful but he still misses and everyone ends up sad. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 I am on the spectrum and I have absolutely been a jerk about presents before 😢 but I can tell you that you are NOT being one. Absolutely not. The sweater doesn't fit. It's perfectly fine for you to ask your DH to return it. It sounds like you were very gracious about the stuffed alpaca. 🙂 By the way, it sounds like your DH is madly in love with you. Bringing you treats and stuffed animals and pretty things to wear...they may not be practical but he sounds like a crushing teenager. ❤️ I love it. Just sometime tell him what size you wear if you haven't already. Be very blunt and remind him to check the clothes in your closet if he doesn't remember your size. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 Since that was the second alpaca sweater he bought, I don’t think it is rude or mean to ask him to return the newly bought one. If money isn’t tight, I would have ask that your husband exchange the alpaca sweater for a shawl or poncho instead. My husband loves buying me outerwear because I lose body heat fast. So I have to keep reminding him that I don’t need new coats or parkas or scarfs or berets but I won’t mind a poncho because I don’t own one. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 3 minutes ago, MercyA said: Be very blunt and remind him to check the clothes in your closet if he doesn't remember your size. When it comes to ladies clothing, that unfortunately isn’t very helpful. Same brand same size, but different cutting for different models. My husband has similar problems with men’s shirts so he has to try in store if it is not returnable. DS18 has that problem with Nike track pants so we can only buy online if we are buying spares of the same model. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 You are not being a jerk. No one is, but if there is a jerk in this scenario, it's your husband. Honestly, an adult should not get their feelings hurt by being asked to return something that clearly is not appropriate for the recipient. Maybe his feelings are not hurt but he is embarrassed that he messed up. I have had a similar thing happen with my husband, but over a book, not clothing. I had started doing some quick pickling - you know, onions for putting on burgers, jalapenos for nachos, stuff that requires no special equipment and has a shortish refrigerator life. Well, that birthday he gave me a very expensive book on pickling. Like, serious pickling, in which I have no interest. I asked for the receipt and as kindly as I could explained why I wanted to return the book. There were many reasons. Now he has started paying more attention and his surprise cookbook gifts are better suited. (He has learned who my favorite cookbook authors are, for one thing.) And, clothing is a mine field. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 5 hours ago, marbel said: And, clothing is a mine field. Yep!!! I am happy to get PJs from DH (assuming they are comfy and not too warm, etc.) and that's about it for clothes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 19 hours ago, MercyA said: I am on the spectrum and I have absolutely been a jerk about presents before 😢 but I can tell you that you are NOT being one. Absolutely not. The sweater doesn't fit. It's perfectly fine for you to ask your DH to return it. It sounds like you were very gracious about the stuffed alpaca. 🙂 By the way, it sounds like your DH is madly in love with you. Bringing you treats and stuffed animals and pretty things to wear...they may not be practical but he sounds like a crushing teenager. ❤️ I love it. Just sometime tell him what size you wear if you haven't already. Be very blunt and remind him to check the clothes in your closet if he doesn't remember your size. Agree. Very sweet. But yes he needs to not buy her clothes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 You’re not being unkind or anything. I’m sorry it turned out this way though. You might want to suggest to your dh that clothing might not be the best gift since they’re so variable in sizing. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 I've had some similar dynamics with my dh in the past. It'll be okay. I try to remember that dh loves me and that big gifts are a part of his love language. And he tries to remember to listen when I say the sort of things that do not want. And then we both try to be forgiving and understanding about it. I find it helps to have a conversation about this stuff around Thanksgiving and to actually listen to each other. In the meantime, have grace for yourself and him and ask him to do the same. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 If you liked the sweater other than the size (which sounds like it might not be the case) I would say “Let’s go together to exchange this beautiful sweater for one in my size.” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted December 30, 2022 Author Share Posted December 30, 2022 On 12/29/2022 at 11:44 AM, Jean in Newcastle said: If you liked the sweater other than the size (which sounds like it might not be the case) I would say “Let’s go together to exchange this beautiful sweater for one in my size.” I did like it. It was beautiful, but that was the largest size they make. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaughingCat Posted December 30, 2022 Share Posted December 30, 2022 I came into marriage from a family where everyone was expected to come up with gift ideas on our own. DH came from a list background. To me, the list didn't seem like real gift giving because the person would already know what they were getting --I believed a gift should surprise the person with a perfect for them gift. I'm sorry to say it took me years to figure out that I never could find something DH wanted as much as what he put on the list. At least during that time I always bought him things from the list as well -- the "off list" present was always an "extra" present -- and I always offered him the receipt or to return the gift myself. The point IMO was to surprise him with a great gift and NOT to make him act happy about something he didn't actually want at all. Although I can see now, with 20/20 hindsight, that he felt a gift receivers requirement to act like he liked the various gifts. It is even a family joke that he often ended up selling the "extra" gift on ebay months later (even though I always gave the receipt with the gift). Anyway -- maybe there is hope that this is a first step to his realizing that buying off the list is the way to go (the way I eventually realized it)? A funny story mostly unrelated to the OP -- One year I bought something 'off list' but I bought it very early and 'hid' it in the pantry -- and then forgot about it and didn't give it to him. The following Sept, nine months after Christmas, my DH's car battery died and the car was in a very awkward spot to get another car near to. He said "what is that battery box in the pantry?" I said "Oh! I forgot about that! that was supposed to be your off list Christmas present!" It was a car battery charger that you can keep in the car and use if the battery dies to start your car. This was my biggest win for an "off list" present -- and I didn't even give it to him at Christmas 🤣 9 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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