Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[*LC]

I’m glad your attorney was able to put you at ease and propose a visitation schedule that will work for you.

Did your attorney put in language about ex not being able to move more than x miles away?

 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, *LC said:

I’m glad your attorney was able to put you at ease and propose a visitation schedule that will work for you.

Did your attorney put in language about ex not being able to move more than x miles away?

 

He can’t do that but he did the closest thing which was say of ex moves 25 mi from current residence he’s responsible for transportation of kids. 

He also responded/counter claim to the original claim of contempt against me. It says xh is in contempt for affecting my weekday visitation. 

[heartlikealion]

The construction group called me and I explained my fears and she said if there’s room in the class I can still take it - don’t worry about long-term commitment. I’m excited. I hope I can do it. I’d get a certificate. Most interested in carpentry but not 100% sure what the 2 week class covers. I think operating a forklift is one day. You take subsequent classes if you stick with it. 

[freesia]

21 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The construction group called me and I explained my fears and she said if there’s room in the class I can still take it - don’t worry about long-term commitment. I’m excited. I hope I can do it. I’d get a certificate. Most interested in carpentry but not 100% sure what the 2 week class covers. I think operating a forklift is one day. You take subsequent classes if you stick with it. 

I think you should go for it! It’s great to have extra skills. 

[freesia]

22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

The construction group called me and I explained my fears and she said if there’s room in the class I can still take it - don’t worry about long-term commitment. I’m excited. I hope I can do it. I’d get a certificate. Most interested in carpentry but not 100% sure what the 2 week class covers. I think operating a forklift is one day. You take subsequent classes if you stick with it. 

also dh has used his construction skills while between other jobs. It could give you more flexibility while waiting for a different job—less control to your x

[heartlikealion]

I agree more skills is always a plus! 

[heartlikealion]

Got a response. He won’t agree to anything really. Wants to offer me more weekday time, but no extra weekends. Doesn’t want to give up any of his spring breaks. Offered me Mardi Gras. I do not want the extra weekday time as it’s not practical. I don’t even have a job secured. Won’t agree to let my friends pick up dd, only my family. 

He wants that I cannot visit his place of work or talk to his coworkers (a public library). 

good grief will we have to go to court? The new court date was pushed to July. 

I start the class soon. I was accepted. 

[Harriet Vane]

Steady on. He's the one who disrupted visitation by moving four hours away. He's offering mid-week visitation because he knows it's a hardship on you. You are entitled to your time.

[heartlikealion]

22 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

Steady on. He's the one who disrupted visitation by moving four hours away. He's offering mid-week visitation because he knows it's a hardship on you. You are entitled to your time.

His reasoning was since I currently lose 2 Thursdays (the weeks I don’t drive down) that he’ll offer me 2 Wednesdays to connect to my weekend visits — Wed-Sun would be my visits. 

But what childcare place is gonna reasonably charge me for 4 days a month? I couldn’t rely on my dad to watch dd every Wed & Thursday if I’m working til 5 or so. 

I get there’s no perfect solution. But I won’t budge this easily either.

The podiatrist office said yes I can just come in to buy new ones w/o an appt. So I’ll update my insoles before my construction class. 

[heartlikealion]

Unless something drastic changes, we do plan to go to court. Just don’t think negotiating will get far and want him to have to prove his claims. The earliest date is July but I guess I’ll just focus on my job hunt/rental prospects in the meantime. 

I finally filed my taxes. I’ll get money back which I’ll use toward my security deposit. I found a place I can afford NOW but the 2 bedroom I saw advertised was preleased. I’m now on a waiting list. I got friends and family to confirm it appears to be safe/decent. A friend knows someone that lives there. 

I’m a bit miffed over a recent $400 mammogram fee… they insisted on 2 visits. Then said you’re ok but come back every 6 months for the next 2 years. Ummm no. I get preventative care but they’re insane. Ins won’t cover that, it’s painful, and my b00ks are pamphlets so I’ll look at them myself. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Unless something drastic changes, we do plan to go to court. Just don’t think negotiating will get far and want him to have to prove his claims. The earliest date is July but I guess I’ll just focus on my job hunt/rental prospects in the meantime. 

I finally filed my taxes. I’ll get money back which I’ll use toward my security deposit. I found a place I can afford NOW but the 2 bedroom I saw advertised was preleased. I’m now on a waiting list. I got friends and family to confirm it appears to be safe/decent. A friend knows someone that lives there. 

I’m a bit miffed over a recent $400 mammogram fee… they insisted on 2 visits. Then said you’re ok but come back every 6 months for the next 2 years. Ummm no. I get preventative care but they’re insane. Ins won’t cover that, it’s painful, and my b00ks are pamphlets so I’ll look at them myself. 

He is a real jerk. So sorry. 

[heartlikealion]

Orientation was today. We didn’t use any tools yet. They sent us home with Chromebooks and a bunch of reading material on them. 

My taxes seemed fishy. I had someone else from the company look at them and she thought they looked wrong, too. So now I’m going to an office tomorrow for an amendment (the kiosk told me to). They will probably take more money from my refund. I’ll see if there’s any way to discount my service fee for this headache. 

My car is acting up but it’s a common problem and hopefully will be resolved soon. Dropped it off at the auto shop by my dad’s house. Hope it’s not too expensive. 

Feeling slightly discouraged. With the moving options, job options, taxes & car crap. 

[heartlikealion]

So the OSHA 10 is advertised as a 10 hr course but we’ve been told it’s realistically more like 15-20 hrs. I’ve only finished a couple sections and I feel like I’m slow. Mind you, we were told to take notes for the exam. It takes me at least an hour per section… 

15 sections to be done within the next few days and I have a job and one day we’ll be in class doing other stuff. So how can I catch up? Ugh this is stressful. I’m on section 3! And I have a deadline at work this week. 

Tax place said different franchise. To fix it without an amendment fee I must go to original franchise. Wait til after I receive refund check. I will owe some more money to the IRS but not more service fees.

[maize]

@heartlikealion I'd personally stop taking notes and move through the OSHA course as fast as possible. What happens if you don't pass the exam on your first try?

[heartlikealion]

23 minutes ago, maize said:

@heartlikealion I'd personally stop taking notes and move through the OSHA course as fast as possible. What happens if you don't pass the exam on your first try?

That’s kinda what I started doing. Less notes/less often. You can take it I think 3x? 
Sometimes I mute the narrator to read the content faster. There are many short videos and I tried increasing playback speed but it doesn’t save the setting from one video to the next. I have no idea why they say it’s a 10 hr course! I think we were told the fastest student they had completed it in 14? 

Edited April 19, 2023 by heartlikealion

[Scarlett]

On 4/17/2023 at 5:23 PM, heartlikealion said:

Orientation was today. We didn’t use any tools yet. They sent us home with Chromebooks and a bunch of reading material on them. 

My taxes seemed fishy. I had someone else from the company look at them and she thought they looked wrong, too. So now I’m going to an office tomorrow for an amendment (the kiosk told me to). They will probably take more money from my refund. I’ll see if there’s any way to discount my service fee for this headache. 

My car is acting up but it’s a common problem and hopefully will be resolved soon. Dropped it off at the auto shop by my dad’s house. Hope it’s not too expensive. 

Feeling slightly discouraged. With the moving options, job options, taxes & car crap. 

Have you tried doing your own taxes on a free site like Olt.com?  Is there something complicated about your taxes?

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Have you tried doing your own taxes on a free site like Olt.com?  Is there something complicated about your taxes?

Xh always did them with his dad using Turbo Tax. I never felt confident about doing my own taxes and paid someone. Mine were complicated because I totaled up babysitting/dog sitting and they were supposed to file a Schedule C for that but the first woman didn’t do it right. I noticed the figures looked wrong and investigated it. I’ll never bother babysitting again if I don’t file myself because they said the standard fee is $400 with self employment (even if you aren’t an LLC). I did not end up paying that as a fee and when I get it amended they will just tell me how much of my refund goes back to the IRS. 

Paperwork is my Achilles heel. I loathe it and second guess everything. That’s why I paid someone to deal with it but unfortunately that didn’t make things easy. I know who to go to next tax season if I move here. And I won’t bother babysitting. 

[heartlikealion]

And before anyone asks, people didn’t ever have cash for babysitting and I had a series of transactions in venmo/PayPal I didn’t want to risk being flagged for. I don’t know on venmo if they paid as friends or not (don’t know if that’s even a thing on venmo) but I made over $600 in 2022 from my services. 

[maize]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

And before anyone asks, people didn’t ever have cash for babysitting and I had a series of transactions in venmo/PayPal I didn’t want to risk being flagged for. I don’t know on venmo if they paid as friends or not (don’t know if that’s even a thing on venmo) but I made over $600 in 2022 from my services. 

It really isn't hard to file on your own.  I use FreeTaxUsa and it walks you through every form. I've filed self employment taxes for my small tutoring business the past couple of years with it.

Honestly, the IRS is not generally concerned about small mistakes on $600 worth of income. I know you are meticulous about trying to get things just right, but I suspect you are worrying about this more than you need to. 

[maize]

You can also see if there is an IRS VITA site in your area--they provide free filing services with certified volunteers. They can handle self employment forms.

[heartlikealion]

22 minutes ago, maize said:

It really isn't hard to file on your own.  I use FreeTaxUsa and it walks you through every form. I've filed self employment taxes for my small tutoring business the past couple of years with it.

Honestly, the IRS is not generally concerned about small mistakes on $600 worth of income. I know you are meticulous about trying to get things just right, but I suspect you are worrying about this more than you need to. 

The system had my paperwork scanned in showing my babysitting earnings but they didn’t file the schedule C. It was all messed up. Venmo and PayPal had announcements a year or so back that they would check for over $600 in accounts. PayPal owns venmo or vice versa.

So I just wanted to nip it in the bud. 

[thatfirstsip]

The $600 thing was nixed for 2022, but could be relevant for 2023 taxes. PayPal or Venmo themselves will send you a 1099k if it applies to you next year.

 

Edited April 20, 2023 by thatfirstsip

[Scarlett]

What I would suggest is that even though you  have already hired it done, you set up an account with one of the free sites and work through it. It won’t take you long…..and you can see how easy it is. ( It will give you the results but you just don’t  click ‘file electronically.’ )

[heartlikealion]

I put some of my normal job stuff to the side so I could focus on class. I maxed out the number of hours you can be on the OSHA coursework yesterday and got to my goal. Then today after forklift training I got two more sections done before picking up dd from school. Two sections left and then the test. I got my forklift certification today and it's valid for 3 years (certain types of forklifts). I definitely need more practice, but we all took turns operating it. Next week power tools and build project. 

[heartlikealion]

Boots are not mandatory right now because the class only meets a few times but this goth happens to own steel toe docs 😆

[Scarlett]

52 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I put some of my normal job stuff to the side so I could focus on class. I maxed out the number of hours you can be on the OSHA coursework yesterday and got to my goal. Then today after forklift training I got two more sections done before picking up dd from school. Two sections left and then the test. I got my forklift certification today and it's valid for 3 years (certain types of forklifts). I definitely need more practice, but we all took turns operating it. Next week power tools and build project. 

This  is amazing! Love, love love it.  

[heartlikealion]

I stayed up to finish. I passed. 

[Shoeless]

14 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I stayed up to finish. I passed. 

Yay!

[Faith-manor]

6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I stayed up to finish. I passed. 

Awesome sauce!!! Congratulations.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I stayed up to finish. I passed. 

That s great!

[Hannah]

Well done on passing!!!

[maize]

Congratulations on passing the OSHA test heart!

Forklift operating is fun isn't it? I did part of my Air Force training with the Civil Engineer trainees and it included operating forklifts, bulldozers and excavators. Best part of training!

Edited April 21, 2023 by maize

[heartlikealion]

Graduates of this 2 week program are eligible for an upcoming CPR, First Aid, AED class. I’m trying to see if I can do that one next to update my CPR status/expand my knowledge.
I will receive a stipend next Friday and another one later for tue current course. That will help with some of my recent expenses. Being tardy, leaving early, missing assignments, being absent affect your standing in the class and the stipend amount.

I want to ask about their other programs. I don’t think the website lists them all. 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, maize said:

Congratulations on passing the OSHA test heart!

Forklift operating is fun isn't it? I did part of my Air Force training with the Civil Engineer trainees and it included operating forklifts, bulldozers and excavators. Best part of training!

That’s so cool! 

[maize]

6 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Graduates of this 2 week program are eligible for an upcoming CPR, First Aid, AED class. I’m trying to see if I can do that one next to update my CPR status/expand my knowledge.
I will receive a stipend next Friday and another one later for tue current course. That will help with some of my recent expenses. Being tardy, leaving early, missing assignments, being absent affect your standing in the class and the stipend amount.

I want to ask about their other programs. I don’t think the website lists them all. 

I'm so excited for you to have these opportunities heart!

[fraidycat]

8 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I stayed up to finish. I passed. 

Congratulations! 

[heartlikealion]

The planning and communication was kinda sporadic/sloppy but ds accepted my invitation to the movies. I ended up having to pick him up (opposite direction of theatre) at a soccer field where he was watching his stepbro play. 

I took the kids to see the new Mario movie. I couldn’t stay awake through the end (movie was cute but I guess I was too exhausted). I have free movie passes that only work by my theatre… so I’ll probably rewatch it another day alone. Walk in late so I don’t have to sit through the whole thing lol 

Then I invited them to eat (dd wanted frozen yogurt but it seemed appropriate to eat some real food first. We’d all just been gobbling popcorn). Ds loves sushi and dd and I like fried rice so we went to a Japanese restaurant beside the frozen yogurt place. Ds got the all-you-can-eat option and ate his fill. Dd and I split a hibachi meal. She couldn’t finish but made room for froyo lol Most flavors at these places are just too weird to me! But the strawberry shortcake is delicious.

I told ds we could do other things sometime even if it’s over summer. We looked at things as we were driving. He was nice. I was stung by a text that called his stepmom “mom” bit said nothing. Later I asked dd if he calls her mom and she said no, he calls her by her name. Maybe he was rushing the text. 

Dd and I finally made connections with the little girl neighbor & her mom so I exchanged info and we’ll get the girls together sometime. The mom seems nice and also said she’d speak to her landlord about local properties to see if anything is in my range. I told her realistically no because of the going rates in the area. 

Monday I’m going to a place to be added to their wait list. The apt complex is income restricted but they will count my household size as more than 1 because the kids are with me sometimes. They won’t add you over the phone. I’ve also requested a tour. I couldn’t find interior photos online. 

[katilac]

21 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

I was stung by a text that called his stepmom “mom” bit said nothing. Later I asked dd if he calls her mom and she said no, he calls her by her name.  

I know it's hard, but this isn't automatically a bad thing. 

I know lots of kids whose parents have split up and then remarried, and they very frequently call the stepparent mom or dad. It's extra common if it's a combination of kids, simply bc they hear the person called mom or dad all the time. And they often have multiple grandmas and so forth. 

He lives with her; you want them to have a good relationship. That's not to say I wouldn't 100% be stung by hearing my kids call someone else mom; I would! I get that, but I don't think you should ask either of them about it. They need to forge all these relationships on their own terms, and without worrying about the adults. 

This sounds like a very positive visit, so just bask in that a little 🥰

Your dd is very young. If you wind up remarrying, even years from now, it's very likely that she will call your new husband some variation of dad, so don't be too quick to dismiss the idea!

Kids don't run out of love, and you will always be their mom. 

[heartlikealion]

51 minutes ago, katilac said:

I know it's hard, but this isn't automatically a bad thing. 

I know lots of kids whose parents have split up and then remarried, and they very frequently call the stepparent mom or dad. It's extra common if it's a combination of kids, simply bc they hear the person called mom or dad all the time. And they often have multiple grandmas and so forth. 

He lives with her; you want them to have a good relationship. That's not to say I wouldn't 100% be stung by hearing my kids call someone else mom; I would! I get that, but I don't think you should ask either of them about it. They need to forge all these relationships on their own terms, and without worrying about the adults. 

This sounds like a very positive visit, so just bask in that a little 🥰

Your dd is very young. If you wind up remarrying, even years from now, it's very likely that she will call your new husband some variation of dad, so don't be too quick to dismiss the idea!

Kids don't run out of love, and you will always be their mom. 

You’re entitled to your opinion but for me no, that’s not ok lol 

Also, xh made a huge point to say before the divorce that he’d NEVER want anyone else called Dad and likewise he wouldn’t have the kids call anyone else Mom. But he’s a liar so who knows what he really thinks. 

if I remarry I would have her call the guy First Name, stepdad, or just about anything else. I am one of those people that would never call my MIL “Mom” even if I had a good relationship with her. I had a mom. No one else is Mom to me.

[heartlikealion]

The people that I know that had stepparents did not call them Dad/Mom for what it’s worth. 

[Scarlett]

13 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

You’re entitled to your opinion but for me no, that’s not ok lol 

Also, xh made a huge point to say before the divorce that he’d NEVER want anyone else called Dad and likewise he wouldn’t have the kids call anyone else Mom. But he’s a liar so who knows what he really thinks. 

if I remarry I would have her call the guy First Name, stepdad, or just about anything else. I am one of those people that would never call my MIL “Mom” even if I had a good relationship with her. I had a mom. No one else is Mom to me.

I am with you on that.  I know it took a lot of strength to say nothing.  

[heartlikealion]

From what I’ve read online, it’s good to let the child choose but I will say I won’t ever introduce someone else as “Dad.” If at some point the kid started saying it, I might look the other way. I don’t know. 
I have never discouraged a good relationship with stepmom. I barely know her. I don’t really ask about her, either. 

Ds has a May birthday on a weekday and I’m entitled to 3 hrs with him so I sent him a text asking if he’d like to go on a couple rides at this little theme park we passed that’s connected to a casino. He said that sounded fun. So I’ll stay in town a couple extra days that week to spend some solo time with him. Dd is too young/nervous to do some of those things. Plus she gets motion sickness. 

[wendyroo]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

From what I’ve read online, it’s good to let the child choose...

Just curious, but what is the alternative?

You can't control what words/names come out of someone else's mouth, so how do you proceed if you aren't going to let the child choose what to call their step parent? Obviously you can "forbid" it, but that seems largely unenforceable. 

I don't have any experience with step parents, but I have a ton of experience having to choose my battles with oppositional, disaffected children. My mantra everyday is "don't take it personally". If I give even one hint that something bothers me, they will take that as their cue to exploit my weakness. So when a behavior upsets me, I first ask "Is this even within my control to change?", and if the answer to that is yes, then I ask "Is it important enough to me to strain our tenuous relationship?" If both answers are not firm yeses, then it is in my best interest to change my perception and expectations.

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, wendyroo said:

Just curious, but what is the alternative?

You can't control what words/names come out of someone else's mouth, so how do you proceed if you aren't going to let the child choose what to call their step parent? Obviously you can "forbid" it, but that seems largely unenforceable. 

I don't have any experience with step parents, but I have a ton of experience having to choose my battles with oppositional, disaffected children. My mantra everyday is "don't take it personally". If I give even one hint that something bothers me, they will take that as their cue to exploit my weakness. So when a behavior upsets me, I first ask "Is this even within my control to change?", and if the answer to that is yes, then I ask "Is it important enough to me to strain our tenuous relationship?" If both answers are not firm yeses, then it is in my best interest to change my perception and expectations.

I think it’s pretty obvious but I’ll explain. If you introduce a child to any new adult you generally tell the child a term/name to use. Teacher, relative they’ve never met, professional at an office visit, etc. 

In my case, if I ever remarry I would discuss it with the guy and we’d probably be on the same page so that we both direct the child to call him “First name.” Many men would even say/feel, “I’m not trying to replace your dad, you can call me First Name.” 

Another thing, I personally would not feel comfortable being called “Mom” by another child. Yeeeeeeears down the road? Or a child that never knew their mom? That could be different. I would introduce myself as First Name and sorta expect the child to call me that. Would I scold them for doing otherwise? No, but I might reinforce the First Name thing at some point. Might. I don’t know. Especially if it bothered their bio mom or bio dad. 

Their dad is primary guardian and sees them all the time. Why on earth would I encourage them to call someone I’m with “Dad”? If they started to do it I would cross that bridge when I got there. 

I do not think my thoughts on this are weird or unique. You do you. 

[Storygirl]

Heart, I don't think your thoughts are weird. I think it's natural for it to bother you. But I also think that if you make it an issue with your kids or ex, that it's likely to backfire and create bad feelings.  Which is not what you want to happen with your DS. It's one of those things that you may need to accept, even though it's painful.

You, of course, can set guidelines for how your kids would address a future step-father or how future step-children would address you. But you have no control over the names that your kids use for their step mother, and you'll just need to process your feelings about it privately or by venting to friends. It's fine to vent here! And I'm sorry that you experienced another hurt. ((( Hugs)))

[heartlikealion]

Guys nothing else was said or done. Chill. 

[wendyroo]

13 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

Heart, I don't think your thoughts are weird. I think it's natural for it to bother you. But I also think that if you make it an issue with your kids or ex, that it's likely to backfire and create bad feelings.  Which is not what you want to happen with your DS. It's one of those things that you may need to accept, even though it's painful.

You, of course, can set guidelines for how your kids would address a future step-father or how future step-children would address you. But you have no control over the names that your kids use for their step mother, and you'll just need to process your feelings about it privately or by venting to friends. It's fine to vent here! And I'm sorry that you experienced another hurt. ((( Hugs)))

Exactly. And as to the bolded, I would even amend it to "You can set guidelines for how you want your kids to address a future step-father." Because if you introduce him as Tom, and they passive aggressively call him "Czar Thomas" or "T-man" or "your husband", there really isn't much you can do. You can, of course, use carrots and sticks to try to encourage them to do what you want, but if they choose not to be swayed, it is largely out of your control.

Trust me, Heart, I understand really, really wanting a child to stop a behavior. My 100 pound eleven year old regularly hits and kicks me and tries to throw furniture through the sliding glass door. But legally and ethically there is nothing I can do to stop him...so the only thing I can do is manage my own expectations and reactions. And if another adult in DS's life thought that they would just introduce the idea that they weren't comfortable with physical assault and that DS would just fall into line...well, I would think they were out of touch.

[heartlikealion]

Why are we still talking about this? I don’t think dd calls her mom and if ds does sometimes oh well. I have no plans to address it again so please drop it. 

Edited April 24, 2023 by heartlikealion

[Idalou]

4 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

 

Definitely freaky how it instantly went to about not making it an issue and wanting to stop a behavior! I hope you and your son are able to enjoy some solo time together. How old will he be? There's no way I could do amusement park rides beyond the kiddie versions, they make me so dizzy, even ones that don't spin!

 

[heartlikealion]

56 minutes ago, Idalou said:

Definitely freaky how it instantly went to about not making it an issue and wanting to stop a behavior! I hope you and your son are able to enjoy some solo time together. How old will he be? There's no way I could do amusement park rides beyond the kiddie versions, they make me so dizzy, even ones that don't spin!

 

He’s 14/freshman in high school. He’s never been on a rollercoaster. I scoped out some of the rides on their website. Rather than a day pass you can pay per ride. We might do that. Some I would go on and some I wouldn’t! I like coasters but not rides with big free fall drops etc. I’ll send you a PM with the link to the rides.