Chris in VA Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) nm Edited February 22, 2019 by Chris in VA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Relationships that start out as friends are the best. They are not starting from ground zero like dates that start without a prior friendship. Is the young man actually interested in her as well? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Why shouldn’t she date the new guy? Do you think she will become overly attached to him too quickly? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acorn Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I don’t agree that she should wait. I think she is best able to make those decisions. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 My 2nd boyfriend was technically a rebound for both of us though we were friends and engineering schoolmates for a year before dating. We are still friends but we did feel socially awkward for almost two years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 If she's coming from a 3 year relationship and has only been single a week - I would encourage her to hang out as friends for a bit. Not to rush into dating (even though it may look the same). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I'd maybe talk to her about how we learn from every relationship, and she owes it to herself to spend some time thinking about what lessons she learned, and how she will do things differently, before moving into the next relationship not because this isn't a good guy, but because it will probably distract her from taking time to figure out what she learned from the last guy. But in general, I think it's fine. Especially if they were already friends. Depending on how serious the last relationship was, what happened, etc I might suggest talking over the breakup with a counselor. She could do that even while starting to see the new guy. It's the self reflection that makes the difference between those that have multiple failed relationships and those that learn and move into a better type of relationship with a better class of guy, in my experience. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 to answer-- Yes he is interested. She told me she wants to date him. They have talked about it. They have been friends all school year. Yes, I am afraid she will be attached. Thank you for helping me think abut why I think a person should wait after a break up. She said last week it would be a mistake and she wants to work on herself Now that has changed. She will see him every day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) 10 hours ago, Ktgrok said: I'd maybe talk to her about how we learn from every relationship, and she owes it to herself to spend some time thinking about what lessons she learned, and how she will do things differently, before moving into the next relationship not because this isn't a good guy, but because it will probably distract her from taking time to figure out what she learned from the last guy. But in general, I think it's fine. Especially if they were already friends. Depending on how serious the last relationship was, what happened, etc I might suggest talking over the breakup with a counselor. She could do that even while starting to see the new guy. It's the self reflection that makes the difference between those that have multiple failed relationships and those that learn and move into a better type of relationship with a better class of guy, in my Edited February 22, 2019 by Chris in VA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) 10 hours ago, happysmileylady said: I think rebound relationships are totally a normal part of the learning process of dating that young adults work though. So, if she wants to go out with him, then I think that's fine. I will say....I met DH as a "rebound." But..sort of not. I was actually pretty angry and over dating when the previous relationship ended. And honestly, I only went out with DH because I had nothing better to do. I was planning to NOT be in a relationship, and rather, just wanted something super casual. Obviously, that evolved, but initially, I was eyes wide open, nothing serious, no RELATIONSHIP, Edited February 22, 2019 by Chris in VA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Is it rebound for her? If she did the breaking up with so and had been planning on that awhile then she’s not a jilted person looking for anyone who she can rebound to. Does she need alone time? Maybe all she needs is to find a way to make this next relationship less dramatic and less “too much” and a break between the two may not achieve that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 2 minutes ago, Chris in VA said: So why are rebounds bad? I think it is because they are misleading; someone isn't really as available as they are making themselves out to be. That said, as the one who broke off the relationship, she's further ahead with whatever internal resolutions she needs to make than if she'd been on the receiving end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Is she typically attracted to unhealthy relationships? In general I think it’s fine. Even if she never suggested she was interested in this guy, she may have been thinking about it for a while. If I were going to say anything I might ask supportive questions and remind of the focus of getting an education. I th8ni it’s nice she has open lines of communication with you about this. I sure didn’t at this age. I dated a lot of people as a young adult. I grew a lot. Parts were hard, but I have no regrets. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 My issue with rebound relationships is that it can be easy to say, 'this guy is better than the last guy" rather than "this guy is right for me". It's easy to settle for not good enough, but better than before. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) Eh, she's 18. It's not unusual for young people to not take a long break before dating someone else. At that age, I certainly was not pondering every breakup or spending much time reflecting on lessons learned. Yeah, it's fast, but that's what you do when you're young - you move fast. And even though she was in a long-term relationship, she was very very young when it started and very young when it ended. I don't think it's the same thing as being in a serious relationship from 25 to 28, kwim? She may need another 'point of comparison' before she can even reflect meaningfully on ex. My advice would probably just be to practice the introductions. Because my dd dated someone new very quickly after breaking up with someone else, and introduced him to dh by the ex's name, lol 1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said: Is she typically attracted to unhealthy relationships? She started dating the ex at 15, so I don't think she has enough data points for 'typical.' Edited February 22, 2019 by katilac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I cannot edit the terrifying emoji. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) I like the idea of asking questions rather than offering advice. Anecdotally, at 19 my sister broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years and then quickly started up with a guy she had been friendly with on her dorm floor. They’re in Jamaica right now celebrating their 20th anniversary. Sometimes it works out. What on on earth is this HUGE face doing on my post? I’m so sorry, everyone Edited February 22, 2019 by Hyacinth 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 It’s huge emoji day. <smile> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) 15 hours ago, katilac said: She started dating the ex at 15, so I don't think she has enough data points for 'typical.' I think even unhealthy friendships can be telling. I knew a number of young woman that just seemed to crave drama and tended to get very overly attached to their friends and boyfriends in their life at that age. I think probably at the root of some of that was some depression and anxiety that needed some real help. But if she generally has a strong sense of self, a decent amount of independence and healthy relationships with family and friends, she probably is fine. Edited February 22, 2019 by FuzzyCatz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 thx everyone I really appreciate your perspectives. super helpful. I actually read some articles on rebound relationships, and fairly new research says they can be quite healthy psychologically. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I was 20 when I met dh and it was the day after I broke up with my boyfriend. We started dating right away and almost everyone that knew me thought it was awful. We celebrate 22 years married this year though. So, I obviously don't think rebound relationships are all that bad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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