happi duck Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 To you, what does comforting a loved one look and/or sound like? (Loved one is sad or scared) If a loved one asked to be comforted could you do so? Would you expect most nt people to be able to at least attempt to do so? (Not necessarily be great or intuitive at it but able to try when asked) Dh and I disagree on this and I'm feeling crazy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 If they asked, yes, I would do so. If I wasnt sure what they needed in order to be comforted, I’d ask. Some people weren’t comforted as children and really don’t have the skill set, and some are selfish and insensitive to others pain. I do think your average person can and would try. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Not everyone is comforted by the same things. And it’s not like you can make someone comforted. For me, it’s good enough for someone to try. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Oh, gosh....for me, the answers would vary so much depending on what person it was. For ex, one son would want a hug, and then some "mom advice" or "mom words of encouragement." Another son, though, would want to be left alone. Another would want some good music and a joke/something to make him smile. DH would want.....well, ha, DH would want some time just the two of us, or he would want me to have a vent session with him, agreeing about how horrible the thing was that made him sad. What each of those would want in a scared situation would then also be totally different (and mostly would involve reassurances about why not to be scared, whereas that would annoy some people looking for comfort while scared....). If a new acquaintance asked for comfort, I'd probably default to what works for *me* (a hug, a word of encouragement), and depending on whether it was sad or scared, sit and listen, sit and let them cry, or talk through the fears. There's such a wide range of "how to show comfort" and "how you like to be comforted" that I don't know if you'll get a universal answer to this.....I hope whatever disagreement you and your dh are having about it, you work it out. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I don't think that is something with a clear cut answer. different people and different circumstances would each give a different answer. it's what works for the person who wants comfort, but they have to be able to identify that. but then... sometimes, what works can only come from within. so, it's not clear cut. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) It turns out, it includes not giving advice. It includes listening and then not telling the person how to feel or when to grieve or how to fix any problems or otherwise. Edited February 6, 2019 by Janeway 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 As others have said, different people will need different things, at different times. But I would expect most people who are not neurotypical to make some attempt at comforting a person who is upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) 27 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said: I don't think that is something with a clear cut answer. different people and different circumstances would each give a different answer. it's what works for the person who wants comfort, but they have to be able to identify that. but then... sometimes, what works can only come from within. so, it's not clear cut. I agree with this. I don't know what comforting someone else looks like because I don't know how they like to be comforted. Or, maybe I should say "what comforts people." My sister and I are opposites in what we find comforting. For example, when our parents died, I wanted to talk about them. She didn't. We had a hard time comforting each other because our ideas of what was comforting were so different. ETA: I guess if one knows the person well, one should be able to figure out how to give them comfort. Edited February 6, 2019 by marbel 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Men and women differ a bit there - or most do. Men like to provide solutions or minimize issues and have a hard time with just sitting with sadness or grief. Both , solutions and just sitting and being there, can be of comfort - just a different kind. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 25 minutes ago, OKBud said: ::ding!:: But anyone should be able to subsume their own temporary feelings in the presence of the absolute distress of loved ones in order to make an effort in good faith. THAT everyone is comforted differently, in different circumstances, is not reason enough to not make the attempt. Right, but someone making the "wrong" kind of effort can be misinterpreted as the recipient as them not making an attempt at all. Thus the complications.... 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Thanks hive! These replies are very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 1 hour ago, TheReader said: Right, but someone making the "wrong" kind of effort can be misinterpreted as the recipient as them not making an attempt at all. Thus the complications.... A person who is not in distress should be able to say "Um. I'm not sure what you need right now, but if I can give it, I will" and not walk off immediately. And if not, they can learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 @Rosie_0801 consider all your posts "liked" 🙂 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 4 hours ago, Janeway said: It turns out, it includes not giving advice. It includes listening and then not telling the person how to feel or when to grieve or how to fix any problems or otherwise. Absolutely. I've been going through a thing, and I can barely turn to my mom any more because she can't help but to respond to almost everything I say with advice. I've even told her that the advice comes off as criticism, when all I need is a sounding board and support. It's added an extra layer of stress to an already stressful situation. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 On 2/6/2019 at 1:54 PM, marbel said: ETA: I guess if one knows the person well, one should be able to figure out how to give them comfort. just my paranoid fallout from a narcissistic grandmother here, but you want to be really careful with assuming this. (especially on the receiving end.) we might know, and we might not. even for someone really close. circumstances for which they would want/benefit from comfort - are always different, and what works can vary. my narcissistic grandmother operated under - "if you loved me you would know what I want". (so we should always know what she 'needed', and never make a mistake.) I have to tell my dh (who's typical male first inclination is to "fix it".) what i need at the time. I've been learning more about the "why's" for those things, and as am able to actually explain that, he can better understand the why - and do a better job offering comfort. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I once worked with a woman whose 9 year old daughter had been abducted and her remain were not found for 10 years. She told me that people get all balled up when they try to offer "comfort" to her. They would sometimes say the wrong thing, all well intentioned for sure, but it would only add to her pain. Her advice to me was "Just listen, and the only thing your should really say is 'I'm so sorry for your loss.'" For some situations there really are no words that will make the person feel better, or turn their attitude around, or make things easier. But just being there, and listening and saying "I'm so sorry" cannot really steer you too wrong. 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 When we were in the car accident that permanently disabled eldest ds, I was on the receiving end of a lot of not comforting comments, downright awful and not helpful. We live in a society in which people have forgotten manners. It used to be "I'm sorry this happened. If there is some way I can help you, please call." Instead, dangerous advice, ridiculous opinions (including God was punishing us for some sort of hidden sin in the family), and comments that make the commenting agent feel better internally (apparently blaming people for their woes makes the blatherer feel like it could never happen to them or something) are quite common. You can see from above that I've been on the receiving end of some not comforting stuff from people who felt the need to open their mouths instead of simply say nothing which would have been a lot easier to take. Manners. Simple manners. "I'm sorry for X", and move on is preferable to commentary. Give thought to whether or not you really can be of practical help or not, and don't offer if you can't. 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 (edited) @Home'scool @Faith-manor Thanks for sharing. Are you meaning strangers and acquaintances should stick to "I'm sorry for your loss/fear/bad news" etc? Or loved ones also? (By loved ones I mean spouses, parents, siblings and other particularly close people) (I'm focusing on loved ones and just want to clarify. This thread has been very helpful.) Eta: my clarification above came out wrong: by loved ones I mean people you are very close to and live life with on a daily basis...a spouse comforting a spouse, a parent comforting a child who lives with them (or still has that same dynamic though not living together), a sibling comforting a sibling when they live together and have a close relationship, or someone else who is somehow an intimate part of one's life To me "loved ones" does not equal relatives Sorry for the confusion Edited February 8, 2019 by happi duck 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 2 minutes ago, happi duck said: @Home'scool @Faith-manor Thanks for sharing. Are you meaning strangers and acquaintances should stick to "I'm sorry for your loss/fear/bad news" etc? Or loved ones also? (By loved ones I mean spouses, parents, siblings and other particularly close people) (I'm focusing on loved ones and just want to clarify. This thread has been very helpful.) Anyone who doesn't have the ability to think clearly on the topic. If feeling really emotional and unable to quickly figure out the best thing to say, then stick with the above even if you are a close relative. Don't let bad stuff slip out of your mouth even if well intended. Usually with spouses you really do know what to say or do because you know that person's personality so very well. For my dh, it is "don't talk, just let me lean on you for a while". Making him converse is really painful for him if he is grieving or going through something tough. That's where "Sorry for X" works well because it isn't really a conversation opener and has no expectation attached. I am a "let me talk about this person", and I totally censor myself so that I don't talk with someone who isn't prepared, which is basically everyone really. I've found that very few people in my area (could be a problem of local culture) can get outside their own heads, their own situations and just listen without judgment. So I suck it up and don't talk except to my PTSD therapist who is worth her weight in gold and platinum! Literally, outside of hubby and kids, I no longer have any expectation of true compassion or caring from other humans. But everyone should take that as an indictment of the church we attended at the time, and my scarring from that, and not an indictment of everyone else on planet earth. I am aware, intellectually, that not everyone is terrible at this. Really. I just got hurt so badly that I'm probably going to be forever guarded. Sometimes I wish I knew Arcticmama, Rosie, Liz, and Carol in CA, and others on this board because I imagine them to be super, sweet, comforting people IRL. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 14 minutes ago, happi duck said: @Home'scool @Faith-manor Thanks for sharing. Are you meaning strangers and acquaintances should stick to "I'm sorry for your loss/fear/bad news" etc? Or loved ones also? (By loved ones I mean spouses, parents, siblings and other particularly close people) (I'm focusing on loved ones and just want to clarify. This thread has been very helpful.) ime: loved ones... can sometimes be worse than strangers because they think they can say what they really think. and I'm talking siblings and parents. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 With a family member, a hug and the question, “ What do you want me to do or what do you need from me?” is my approach. For friends, I’ll say how sorry I am and then give out a few things that I think might be useful. Example, bring a meal, errands I could run, childcare etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heathermomster Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 I ask the question, “How can I be a blessing to you?” and then I do my best to provide. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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