I need to let this roll off, right?

[AbcdeDooDah]

DH and his friend, T, have been friends since elementary school. He calls and messages dh a lot, like several times a day. Whenever dh gets on messenger his friend notices he's on on messages him every single time. Dh hates texting and only does it when necessary.  So T calls him and dh can't talk much. He's busy at work and it's not the kind of job you can just talk on the phone at. So friend has started messaging me to get answers that dh hasn't provided. Like, T wants to stay at our house when he comes out to our state. He wants to know if DH will be around x date. If I say I don't think we have anything going on he'll text dh and say I said we are free that weekend. Basically,  he's pressuring for an answer. 

I have just started saying I'm not sure because it's true. So yesterday,  on Christmas no less he texts early before anyone else is awake and asks if I can do a big favor for him and check if we're busy this Saturday.  I read the message but, hello, Christmas morning,  and I didn't answer.  A few hours later I see another preview that says, "can you do that for me?" I don't open the message and he tries to video message me. I'm in the middle of cooking. Our home phone rings and dh says it's him. He doesn't pick up. Then a message, "Are you guys home?" 

Dh said T had already messaged him a few times earlier in the day and dh told him he would call him the next day since we were with family. So I wake up today to the preview message "I'm removing you from my friends list."  I didn't open the message and immediately blocked him. I messaged dh and told him what I did. Then dh tells me that T called him first thing today when dh got to work(6 am!) and asked why dh sounded grumpy when he answered the phone. Dh reiterated that he was going to call him today and not to go after me when he couldn't get ahold of dh, and that he "just didn't know when to quit." T hung up on him. Then messaged dh that he thought they were family and he was removing his contact information from his phone. 

10+ messages and calls when you've already been told to wait a day is ridiculous. I'm just annoyed that we will be painted as horrible when really, he is a pest! I feel better typing it out. I apologize for the length!

Edited December 27, 2018 by AbcdeDooDah
So many typos

[lulalu]

Wow! On Christmas that is crazy.

[RootAnn]

Um, just be glad for a day of quiet? If he's the type I'm familiar with, your DH will hear from him again (or he'll show up at your door, unannounced, on Saturday). He'll likely act toward your DH like nothing happened but act very passive/aggressive toward you.

I'd indeed let it roll off and hope for a respite before the storm comes through again. (Who cares what he thinks??)

[Petrichor]

On any day, that is crazy.

I think you're fine for ignoring/blocking him. Let your DH deal with him.

[catz]

Blocking is definitely the way to go here.  What a nut.  

[Liz CA]

A highly manipulative person who does not respect boundaries. Sounds like your dh is handling it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

He obviously has boundary issues. You have set a boundary and now he’s having a tantrum. He might get over it and try to rekindle the friendship. You and your husband will just have to remain firm on the boundary. 

[SereneHome]

Ummm, he doesn't sound like a pest, he sounds unstable!  I am just having visions of him coming to your house and never leaving or something.....Well, may  be not as bad, but he does not sound like someone I would want around.....

Edited December 27, 2018 by SereneHome

[AbcdeDooDah]

36 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

Um, just be glad for a day of quiet? If he's the type I'm familiar with, your DH will hear from him again (or he'll show up at your door, unannounced, on Saturday). He'll likely act toward your DH like nothing happened but act very passive/aggressive toward you.

I'd indeed let it roll off and hope for a respite before the storm comes through again. (Who cares what he thinks??)

Oh, yeah

He's unfriended me before when I wouldn't respond fast enough to his messages. 

[AbcdeDooDah]

2 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

If your DH has been friends with him for this long, has he always been this way?  Or is this boundary issue a new development??

It's not new but it's not ever been this bad.

[AbcdeDooDah]

Definitely. Divorce/custody issues.  Dh says he has always been needy but it has escalated.  That's why I feel badly but I needed to block him for my own mental health.

[MaBelle]

Whoa, that's insane.  Hopefully your dh will handle him.

[Farrar]

Wow. Definitely don't re-engage. I'd be clear to your dh too that you're fine with his continued friendship as long as he manages his own boundaries but that you're aware that this friend is trying to drive a wedge between you two and you want your dh to be very aware of that as well and not fall for it. Then step back and steer clear.

[maize]

He does not sound mentally healthy.

Not his fault but you cannot fix it for him either. Setting and maintaining boundaries may be the best you can do.

[AbcdeDooDah]

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

Ummm, he doesn't sound like a pest, he sounds unstable!  I am just having visions of him coming to your house and never leaving or something.....Well, may  be not as bad, but he does not sound like someone I would want around.....

He doesn't know our address, thank goodness,  just the town.

[Rosie_0801]

Eh, they're allowed to argue. Blocking him sounds like a good plan. Like you need to be dragged into it...

[Shoeless]

Wow, this guy is nuts! I'd make it really clear to DH that he can handle all communication with this "friend" because I would no longer be involved.  And then block block block on all available channels! 

[gardenmom5]

sounds like T needs to get his own grown-up life.  is he single?

2 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

  T hung up on him. Then messaged dh that he thought they were family and he was removing his contact information from his phone. 

10+ messages and calls when you've already been told to wait a day is ridiculous. I'm just annoyed that we will be painted as horrible when really, he is a pest! I feel better typing it out. I apologize for the length!

sounds great.  go ahead T.  remove all our contact information from your phone.  we fully support you.  (no, I wouldn't say it to him, but I'd sure think it!)

he sounds like a 13 year old drama queen trying to get a reaction of "no please don't be mad at me".

who is he going to paint you as horrible to? 

[AbcdeDooDah]

8 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

who is he going to paint you as horrible to? 

All of our mutual friends. I could probably predict what his passive-aggressive FB post says. Oh, well. I need to not worry about that. 

And yes, he divorced a couple of years ago.

Edited December 27, 2018 by AbcdeDooDah

[gardenmom5]

2 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

All of our mutual friends. I could probably predict what his passive-aggressive FB post says. Oh, well. I need to not worry about that. 

And yes, he divorced a couple of years ago.

haven't they noticed his off-the wall behavior?   I would think if his ex was also mutual friends, they'd have heard things from her too.

we have a saying when hearing that sort of stuff - consider the source. 

some sources are credible - some aren't.   and I can't imagine anyone who knows him well would ever consider him credible.

[AbcdeDooDah]

4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

haven't they noticed his off-the wall behavior?   I would think if his ex was also mutual friends, they'd have heard things from her too.

we have a saying when hearing that sort of stuff - consider the source. 

some sources are credible - some aren't.   and I can't imagine anyone who knows him well would ever consider him credible.

True. And when I could see his facebook, there were often "poor me" jabs at others. I really dislike discord but I need to learn to not care what they think.

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

It's not new but it's not ever been this bad.

 

Is he in love with your husband? He sounds like a mentally unstable jealous ex or something. Bizarre. And creepy!

[AbcdeDooDah]

4 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Is he in love with your husband? He sounds like a mentally unstable jealous ex or something. Bizarre. And creepy!

Not that I know of. 😂

Dh said he is done with him and he's a stalker.  I'll let them figure it out but I am not engaging  with him anymore.

[Catwoman]

10 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

Not that I know of. 😂

Dh said he is done with him and he's a stalker.  I'll let them figure it out but I am not engaging  with him anymore.

 

I think that’s a smart decision. The guy sounds more than needy; he sounds kind of unhinged. 

[SKL]

Rejoice that he took you off his friends list.  Never look back.

If he tells other people about all that, they will understand it from your perspective, because no doubt he will pester them the way he pesters you (if they allow him to).

[unsinkable]

You need to do what you can to make yourself & your family safe. 

But with that being said, it sounds like the man had some kind of crisis that escalated his behavior. It is sounds like he was desperate for some kind of connection or something. He/the situation sounds really sad to me. I hope he gets the help he needs. Even if he can call a crisis line for a sounding board or something.

[homemommy83]

11 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

DH and his friend, T, have been friends since elementary school. He calls and messages dh a lot, like several times a day. Whenever dh gets on messenger his friend notices he's on on messages him every single time. Dh hates texting and only does it when necessary.  So T calls him and dh can't talk much. He's busy at work and it's not the kind of job you can just talk on the phone at. So friend has started messaging me to get answers that dh hasn't provided. Like, T wants to stay at our house when he comes out to our state. He wants to know if DH will be around x date. If I say I don't think we have anything going on he'll text dh and say I said we are free that weekend. Basically,  he's pressuring for an answer. 

I have just started saying I'm not sure because it's true. So yesterday,  on Christmas no less he texts early before anyone else is awake and asks if I can do a big favor for him and check if we're busy this Saturday.  I read the message but, hello, Christmas morning,  and I didn't answer.  A few hours later I see another preview that says, "can you do that for me?" I don't open the message and he tries to video message me. I'm in the middle of cooking. Our home phone rings and dh says it's him. He doesn't pick up. Then a message, "Are you guys home?" 

Dh said T had already messaged him a few times earlier in the day and dh told him he would call him the next day since we were with family. So I wake up today to the preview message "I'm removing you from my friends list."  I didn't open the message and immediately blocked him. I messaged dh and told him what I did. Then dh tells me that T called him first thing today when dh got to work(6 am!) and asked why dh sounded grumpy when he answered the phone. Dh reiterated that he was going to call him today and not to go after me when he couldn't get ahold of dh, and that he "just didn't know when to quit." T hung up on him. Then messaged dh that he thought they were family and he was removing his contact information from his phone. 

10+ messages and calls when you've already been told to wait a day is ridiculous. I'm just annoyed that we will be painted as horrible when really, he is a pest! I feel better typing it out. I apologize for the length!

The weird face emoji was for the friend...I want to give you a hug.  I totally understand dealing with persistently annoying and boundary crossing people😉....he may have just done you two a favor.  Don't worry what others think as you all understand the truth....nd honestly even family shouldn't text more than once..maybe twice on Christmas...everyone knows people are getting with family...so unless you are asking for directions or saying Merry Christmas...give people one day with their families.  Wow is all I can say.

Your dh will have to decide if he wants to continue this relationship with his friend, but I see no reason for you to unblock him😉...let the two of them work out what needs worked out...this will keep him from getting you to answer for your dh.  If the friend does want to reconnect with your dh than your 4th needs to set some simple boundaries with him in as loving way as possible.

Brenda

[homemommy83]

9 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Eh, they're allowed to argue. Blocking him sounds like a good plan. Like you need to be dragged into it...

I know you are a moderator, but 2 times this week I have wanted to like your reply, but there is no button.  So here is a high-five😂.

[homemommy83]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

You need to do what you can to make yourself & your family safe. 

But with that being said, it sounds like the man had some kind of crisis that escalated his behavior. It is sounds like he was desperate for some kind of connection or something. He/the situation sounds really sad to me. I hope he gets the help he needs. Even if he can call a crisis line for a sounding board or something.

I agree he sounds like maybe the holidays are very lonely or stressful for gentleman, but I agree with you that he needs some sort of help....but sadly from those around me without someone pointing to them to get help...in their heads they think they are fine and everyone else is the problem.  Maybe if dh does reconnect this time he could encourage the gentleman to get counseling...counseling helps just about everyone I know!  

Brenda

[AbcdeDooDah]

2 hours ago, unsinkable said:

You need to do what you can to make yourself & your family safe. 

But with that being said, it sounds like the man had some kind of crisis that escalated his behavior. It is sounds like he was desperate for some kind of connection or something. He/the situation sounds really sad to me. I hope he gets the help he needs. Even if he can call a crisis line for a sounding board or something.

He recently moved from the east coast where he lived for the last 20 years  to a state next to ours. He was looking forward to seeing dh and all their old friends more often, using our house as a hotel.  At first dh said yes but then T started talking about doing it more frequently and messaging about various dates. I think dh realized he would be here every weekend  if he could.  

It is a sad situation and I know he is very lonely.  😞

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, homemommy83 said:

I agree he sounds like maybe the holidays are very lonely or stressful for gentleman, but I agree with you that he needs some sort of help....but sadly from those around me without someone pointing to them to get help...in their heads they think they are fine and everyone else is the problem.  Maybe if dh does reconnect this time he could encourage the gentleman to get counseling...counseling helps just about everyone I know!  

Brenda

even with someone pointing to them needing help - it's everyone else, not them.

 

[unsinkable]

16 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

even with someone pointing to them needing help - it's everyone else, not them.

 

You can't generalize everyone's issues based on your own family's mental illness.

This kind of negativity and pessimistic attitude doesn't do anyone any good.

There are plenty of people who reach out in a crisis, or when they hit rock bottom or even sometimes when given an ultimatum ("I think you need help that I can't provide but I will support you once you start counseling, stop drinking, start taking meds").

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

He recently moved from the east coast where he lived for the last 20 years  to a state next to ours. He was looking forward to seeing dh and all their old friends more often, using our house as a hotel.  At first dh said yes but then T started talking about doing it more frequently and messaging about various dates. I think dh realized he would be here every weekend  if he could.  

It is a sad situation and I know he is very lonely.  😞

An adult man can figure out how to stay at an actual hotel or air bnb or whatever in order to have reunions with friends.  Hopefully he can make some friends at his new work and/or church and/or social club etc. 

[gardenmom5]

55 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

You can't generalize everyone's issues based on your own family's mental illness.

This kind of negativity and pessimistic attitude doesn't do anyone any good.

There are plenty of people who reach out in a crisis, or when they hit rock bottom or even sometimes when given an ultimatum ("I think you need help that I can't provide but I will support you once you start counseling, stop drinking, start taking meds").

wow - that's harsh.

this guy is behaving in a stalkerish manner.   or at the very least - in a super clingy manner.   that isn't someone likely to admit they have a problem if confronted.    and if it was so easy for people to "admit they have a problem  when confronted by loved ones" - interventions with ultimatums of getting professional help wouldn't have become a "thing".

 

eta: if it was so easy to get depressed males to take antidepressants - my daughter wouldn't have been taught in pharmacy school to tell male patients "this will help you sleep" when dispensing antidepressants to men vs - this will help your depression.

Edited December 27, 2018 by gardenmom5

[homemommy83]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

even with someone pointing to them needing help - it's everyone else, not them.

 

I can definitely see this going either way...but it tends to be different between people who have just went through some struggles vs. those with entirely self-centered tendencies or major paranoid issues.  My twin brother was directed to get help even though he thought it was the whole world against him, but he did get help and is now on meds that help him regulate reality.  So...it is always worth a try.

Brenda

[homemommy83]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

wow - that's harsh.

this guy is behaving in a stalkerish manner.   or at the very least - in a super clingy manner.   that isn't someone likely to admit they have a problem if confronted.    and if it was so easy for people to "admit they have a problem  when confronted by loved ones" - interventions with ultimatums of getting professional help wouldn't have become a "thing".

 

eta: if it was so easy to get depressed males to take antidepressants - my daughter wouldn't have been taught in pharmacy school to tell male patients "this will help you sleep" when dispensing antidepressants to men vs - this will help your depression.

Wow, that is so so sad😢.  I guess my personality has always been have hope, show kindness until it becomes destructive and then just close the door and move on as we cant help everyone...as not everyone wants help sadly.

But on another note...I am proud that your daughter went to pharmacy school.  Understanding that we have very similar backgrounds I understand how much you and her worked to get there...🤗.

Brenda

[unsinkable]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

wow - that's harsh.

this guy is behaving in a stalkerish manner.   or at the very least - in a super clingy manner.   that isn't someone likely to admit they have a problem if confronted.    and if it was so easy for people to "admit they have a problem  when confronted by loved ones" - interventions with ultimatums of getting professional help wouldn't have become a "thing".

 

eta: if it was so easy to get depressed males to take antidepressants - my daughter wouldn't have been taught in pharmacy school to tell male patients "this will help you sleep" when dispensing antidepressants to men vs - this will help your depression.

You obviously didn't even consider what I wrote based on this response. Just more pessimism and negativity.

I never said anything was easy...

I said some things might help. Why do you keep insisting that isn't possible by catastrophizing and calling down doom and gloom?

[Jean in Newcastle]

4 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

Totally off topic, but I can’t be the only person now reading your username as “absidydoodaw” in my head, right?

Isn't that the intended reading? 

[AbcdeDooDah]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

An adult man can figure out how to stay at an actual hotel or air bnb or whatever in order to have reunions with friends.  Hopefully he can make some friends at his new work and/or church and/or social club etc. 

He has no money. My dh was on the verge of making that our problem.

Many of his "poor me" fb posts were about how he wished  he could do xyz but couldn't afford it.

Edited December 27, 2018 by AbcdeDooDah

[maize]

4 minutes ago, Arctic Mama said:

ACK!  No, I thought it was a-b-c-d-e-doodaw, complete with tune.

 

In my mind it is Absidy-doo-da to the tune of "zipity doo da" 😄

[maize]

3 minutes ago, AbcdeDooDah said:

He has no money. My dh was on the verge of making that our problem.

Ack no!

I hope you've talked some sense into dh.

Does the fellow have a job?

I am rather concerned about mental health, maybe something like bipolar though obviously I don't know enough for even an educated guess.

[AbcdeDooDah]

2 minutes ago, maize said:

Ack no!

I hope you've talked some sense into dh.

Does the fellow have a job?

I am rather concerned about mental health, maybe something like bipolar though obviously I don't know enough for even an educated guess.

The first time he asked dh, dh asked me if he could crash in our living room. Then he started planning other dates and acted like it was going to just a regular thing.  Dh told me he hoped he didn't think it was going to be happening all the time. I said he was going to keep asking. 

I think he sees it now. He just can't help but want to help. He drove 3 hours to help unload their moving truck in November and took them out to dinner.

[AbcdeDooDah]

He is transferring within his company but nothing formal from what I could gather. He's waiting for his license to sell insurance in that state. I'm fuzzy on those details.

[AbcdeDooDah]

12 minutes ago, maize said:

 

In my mind it is Absidy-doo-da to the tune of "zipity doo da" 😄

Yes! 😁

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, unsinkable said:

You obviously didn't even consider what I wrote based on this response. Just more pessimism and negativity.

I never said anything was easy...

I said some things might help. Why do you keep insisting that isn't possible by catastrophizing and calling down doom and gloom?

I've read some of your responses from today on other threads. based on those comments, you seem to be having a hard time.  I hope things are better for you.

[unsinkable]

4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I've read some of your responses from today on other threads. based on those comments, you seem to be having a hard time.  I hope things are better for you.

Yeah, those gas prices are really getting me down.

I feel sorry for the people who have close relatives dealing with mental health issues that read the  constant, unrelenting, negative and pessimistic responses. So, I'm going to say something about...there is hope. It's not all room and gloom. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

14 minutes ago, homemommy83 said:

Wow, that is so so sad😢.  I guess my personality has always been have hope, show kindness until it becomes destructive and then just close the door and move on as we cant help everyone...as not everyone wants help sadly.

But on another note...I am proud that your daughter went to pharmacy school.  Understanding that we have very similar backgrounds I understand how much you and her worked to get there...🤗.

Brenda

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I don't have a degree.    I don't feel like I worked that hard with my girls other than pointing them in a heavy college prep direction.  they did the work.  my son's took longer to figure things out, but other than allowing them the time, they've done the work. -  yes - I've quipped if I'd had me for a mother, I'd have a bsn.   I would have felt like "if I did the work",  I would have graduated, or at least something to show for it - but there's always been something more important for me to do.  my brother overcame the obstacles of our childhood and obtained a degree.(took eight years - but he got there.) my sister and I don't.  all of my mother's adult grandchildren have a degree/are in college.

dudeling . . . is work.  If he graduates high school I will have accomplished something.. . .sigh.  (he's showing an interest in computer science.   so hopefully that will provide motivation for him, and the tutoring service will help him get where he needs to be - because I can't get him there.)  then maybe he can be successful in college - I will feel like I accomplished something.

 dh's family  all (except bil chose not to) have bachelor degrees. adult grandchildren (except one) have degrees. a few masters. (mil is one of the masters).  2dd is the first with a doctorate. (but - mil's grandfather - who she never knew - was a MD.) 

 

dh is very supportive of me obtaining a degree - but dudeling is very time and energy consuming, and right now is a higher priority.   Maybe I'll be like one of those old women who make the news when they graduate from college with a bachelor's degree because they're so old.

[homemommy83]

15 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I don't have a degree.    I don't feel like I worked that hard with my girls other than pointing them in a heavy college prep direction.  they did the work.  my son's took longer to figure things out, but other than allowing them the time, they've done the work. -  yes - I've quipped if I'd had me for a mother, I'd have a bsn.   I would have felt like "if I did the work",  I would have graduated, or at least something to show for it - but there's always been something more important for me to do.  my brother overcame the obstacles of our childhood and obtained a degree.(took eight years - but he got there.) my sister and I don't.  all of my mother's adult grandchildren have a degree/are in college.

dudeling . . . is work.  If he graduates high school I will have accomplished something.. . .sigh.  (he's showing an interest in computer science.   so hopefully that will provide motivation for him, and the tutoring service will help him get where he needs to be - because I can't get him there.)  then maybe he can be successful in college - I will feel like I accomplished something.

 dh's family  all (except bil chose not to) have bachelor degrees. adult grandchildren (except one) have degrees. a few masters. (mil is one of the masters).  2dd is the first with a doctorate. (but - mil's grandfather - who she never knew - was a MD.) 

 

dh is very supportive of me obtaining a degree - but dudeling is very time and energy consuming, and right now is a higher priority.   Maybe I'll be like one of those old women who make the news when they graduate from college with a bachelor's degree because they're so old.

Sweetheart this was exactly what I meant that I feel that we are very similar....I do not have a degree...nor do I believe that is my life purpose (although if I didn't have a houseful of children I would love to be a doctor😉-I just don't have the stamina to do both well)...I feel called to be home with my children and to guide them and motivate them to accomplish the goals the Lord has for them.  You are underestimating what you overcame in your life to be able to encourage and help direct your daughter (I was definitely not lowering the amount of work your daughter did- I just wanted to encourage you).  You are an inspiration to me and are such an encouragement to know that there are those who have had more difficult upbringings choosing to inspire the next generation😄.

Hugs🤗

Brenda

[RootAnn]

3 hours ago, unsinkable said:

I never said anything was easy...

I said some things might help. Why do you keep insisting that isn't possible by catastrophizing and calling down doom and gloom?

This is why it is appropriate that your name on here is "unsinkable".  Can't keep you down.

[gardenmom5]

25 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Yeah, those gas prices are really getting me down.

I feel sorry for the people who have close relatives dealing with mental health issues that read the  constant, unrelenting, negative and pessimistic responses. So, I'm going to say something about...there is hope. It's not all room and gloom. 

 

 

those "responses" of telling males it will help them sleep - is from professors who teach medical students as well as pharmacy students.   they have the direct experience that the majority of male patients who make it as far as their dr's offices - don't want the label of being depressed (or mentally ill) and won't take Rx as prescribed.