Boys and girls

[Wildcat]

I may have confused some details, but Scarlett, is your son actively making plans for marriage or is it just the young lady? 

I ask because I know of a young man (newly 18) whose sweetheart started getting carried away in dream land and the next thing he knew she and her mother were making wedding plans. He didn't want that but found himself in an awful situation. He sat on this for a couple of months, thinking about it. It looked like he was "hiding" it from his mother but what he was really doing was thinking about it himself and sorting through the situation. The mother did go to him and told him what she had heard. She didn't frame it as "lying" to her but why wouldn't he have come to her in the first place. They talked and she gave him some advice on how to put an end to the wedding talk once she realized he really didn't want to get married. 

Scarlett, if your ds is an active participant in the wedding talk, my story isn't relevant, but I wanted to throw out there that he might just be caught up in the whole thing and is a bit scared on where to go from here... and something like this is a big deal. It would be admitting he's not a man yet if he goes to you for help, especially if he really thinks you'll throw him out. Also, that could just be a line he is telling the young lady to buy him some time while he thinks. It's a very delicate situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, hippiemamato3 said:

And I think that's totally normal and expected.  A huge decision like marriage isn't something that would be hidden here. But our religion doesn't prohibit casual dating  and doesn't encourage young marriage...so I think there's more going on here between Scarlett and her son that adds a different layer of struggle. 

 

I have to admit that when Scarlett posted about her 18yo son planning to get married, I thought that was what was bothering her, even more than the fact that he hadn’t told her about it.  18 or 19 seems so young to get married, particularly when the average age for first marriages is at an all-time high. 

Obviously, I can’t predict the future and it won’t be my decision to make, but I am very hopeful that my ds will finish college and graduate school and establish a solid career before he gets married and starts a family. I know young marriages can work out just fine, but I do think it’s easier for both parties when they are a bit more mature and are also more financially stable.

Whatever Scarlett’s son decides to do, I hope it works out well for him.

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, Wildcat said:

I may have confused some details, but Scarlett, is your son actively making plans for marriage or is it just the young lady? 

I ask because I know of a young man (newly 18) whose sweetheart started getting carried away in dream land and the next thing he knew she and her mother were making wedding plans. He didn't want that but found himself in an awful situation. He sat on this for a couple of months, thinking about it. It looked like he was "hiding" it from his mother but what he was really doing was thinking about it himself and sorting through the situation. The mother did go to him and told him what she had heard. She didn't frame it as "lying" to her but why wouldn't he have come to her in the first place. They talked and she gave him some advice on how to put an end to the wedding talk once she realized he really didn't want to get married. 

Scarlett, if your ds is an active participant in the wedding talk, my story isn't relevant, but I wanted to throw out there that he might just be caught up in the whole thing and is a bit scared on where to go from here... and something like this is a big deal. It would be admitting he's not a man yet if he goes to you for help, especially if he really thinks you'll throw him out. Also, that could just be a line he is telling the young lady to buy him some time while he thinks. It's a very delicate situation. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I wondered, too, if your son was trying to figure out his feelings (and possible timeline) but was feeling pressured to do something he isn't ready right now to do.

If this were me, I would likely have a general discussion about weddings and my kids, including explaining that ds would be expected to move out after he's married unless there are extenuating circumstances and they need a place to live temporarily. But while he's engaged, I would expect to continue the living arrangements. A discussion like this before the fact offers the time to explain what your expectations are, how you want to relate to his future wife, how you would like to relate to him as a married man. There's so much more that could be included, but it could also offer reassurance that you won't kick him out when he becomes engaged.

 

[Katy]

I was in a relationship like that at that age.  With my parents and my non-church friends, he was my boyfriend.  With his parents and church friends, we were "just good friends." Part of that was the assumption that dating = courtship and he wasn't ready for marriage pressure. Like, literally financially not ready yet.  But part of it, and I think a big part of it, was that he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me, but he did want the sexual benefits of a romantic relationship, even if that didn't include actual sex, but more kissing than I would have ever partaken in with a friend. So he'd talk about his dreams of what kind of life we'd have together just often enough for me to be convinced he meant it, rather than that he was a selfish, immature liar who wasn't at all ready to get married, and even when his financial situation changed he still wasn't ready.

So anyway, that's my bias in this situation.  So what I would do is the next time they are both over I'd say to both of them, "Multiple people have told me you two have secret plans to get married next year!  Welcome to the family, sweetheart!"  I wouldn't confront him at all.  I would smile and hug her and let it be.  Because that way it's out in the open and if the real issue is that he's not mature enough to deal with it, she'll start making plans and it will be obvious to everyone that the problem with moving forward is HIS, not Scarlett's.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

I was in a relationship like that at that age.  With my parents and my non-church friends, he was my boyfriend.  With his parents and church friends, we were "just good friends." Part of that was the assumption that dating = courtship and he wasn't ready for marriage pressure. Like, literally financially not ready yet.  But part of it, and I think a big part of it, was that he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me, but he did want the sexual benefits of a romantic relationship, even if that didn't include actual sex, but more kissing than I would have ever partaken in with a friend. So he'd talk about his dreams of what kind of life we'd have together just often enough for me to be convinced he meant it, rather than that he was a selfish, immature liar who wasn't at all ready to get married, and even when his financial situation changed he still wasn't ready.

So anyway, that's my bias in this situation.  So what I would do is the next time they are both over I'd say to both of them, "Multiple people have told me you two have secret plans to get married next year!  Welcome to the family, sweetheart!"  I wouldn't confront him at all.  I would smile and hug her and let it be.  Because that way it's out in the open and if the real issue is that he's not mature enough to deal with it, she'll start making plans and it will be obvious to everyone that the problem with moving forward is HIS, not Scarlett's.

 

But what if Scarlett’s ds doesn’t really want to get married yet? Wouldn’t welcoming the girl “to the family” put unnecessary pressure on her son to actually go through with it? 

[Katy]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

But what if Scarlett’s ds doesn’t really want to get married yet? Wouldn’t welcoming the girl “to the family” put unnecessary pressure on her son to actually go through with it? 

 

If he's anything like my ex, he'll either dump her for some unrelated reason or he'll start acting like such an immature jerk she'll realize that she doesn't want to marry him.  Either way thinking he can manipulate her with promises of weddings but keeping it secret isn't okay.

[Tanaqui]

I just want to point out that even though your informant is close to the situation and a friend, she might still be mistaken or misinformed. I'm not sure we're all giving that possibility enough weight.

It seems to me that a real friend and loving aunt would not tattle on these young adults to Mommy, but would instead encourage them to speak up for themselves. So right away, I'm dubious about this information.

And if it is accurate... vague plans to get married a year from now? People change in a year, especially when they're young.

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

If he's anything like my ex, he'll either dump her for some unrelated reason or he'll start acting like such an immature jerk she'll realize that she doesn't want to marry him.  Either way thinking he can manipulate her with promises of weddings but keeping it secret isn't okay.

 

Hopefully, Scarlett will weigh in on this, but she didn’t seem to be implying that her son was manipulating the girl with false promises. I was under the impression that she thinks her son wants to marry the girl. 

If you’re right and the son is pulling a fast one on the girl, though, I would have no sympathy for him, either.

I was actually thinking it might be the other way around and that the girl is trying to pressure the son into a marriage he doesn’t want. (That may be because I’m the mom of an 18yo son! ? )

[Lang Syne Boardie]

5 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

If he's anything like my ex, he'll either dump her for some unrelated reason or he'll start acting like such an immature jerk she'll realize that she doesn't want to marry him.  Either way thinking he can manipulate her with promises of weddings but keeping it secret isn't okay.

 

Again, sleep deprived over here, but I don't think we know who is being manipulative, if anyone. I don't understand why mind games on the young people would be better than just ripping off the bandaid and telling ds that you heard this, so the secret part is out of the equation and the ice is broken, and then see what happens.

[Catwoman]

8 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

Again, sleep deprived over here, but I don't think we know who is being manipulative, if anyone. I don't understand why mind games on the young people would be better than just ripping off the bandaid and telling ds that you heard this, so the secret part is out of the equation and the ice is broken, and then see what happens.

 

I agree. I think Scarlett should come right out and tell her son what she has heard and ask him what’s going on.

[Katy]

55 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

Again, sleep deprived over here, but I don't think we know who is being manipulative, if anyone. I don't understand why mind games on the young people would be better than just ripping off the bandaid and telling ds that you heard this, so the secret part is out of the equation and the ice is broken, and then see what happens.

 

I guess I'm assuming DS is being manipulative, since he lied and said Scarlett would throw him out.  Maybe he has a legitimate reason to think that.

[Katy]

47 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I agree. I think Scarlett should come right out and tell her son what she has heard and ask him what’s going on.

 

Although coming right out and saying it to both of them would likely relieve the power of either, if one kid is manipulating the other.

[QueenCat]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Definitely not just friends.  And definitely keeping it from me.  I am very sad, sick, and don't really know how to even act around them now since it is obvious they are lying.   I Am sworn to secrecy but my info is good.  What a bad way to start out a marriage. 

It's normal to keep relationships and related info from your parents. Most do so because they don't want or need input from their parents. Normal, don't take it personally.

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

And I think that's totally normal and expected.  A huge decision like marriage isn't something that would be hidden here. But our religion doesn't prohibit casual dating  and doesn't encourage young marriage...so I think there's more going on here between Scarlett and her son that adds a different layer of struggle. 

Our religion doesn't prohibit dating ( encouraged not to do it for recreation ) nor does it encourage young marriage.  Not AT ALL. It is Strongly encouraged to WAIT until one is older to consider dating and marriage. Several of their friends have done this--waited until til mid to late 20s.   But young marriage is not unheard of for sure.  

[Scarlett]

41 minutes ago, Katy said:

 

I guess I'm assuming DS is being manipulative, since he lied and said Scarlett would throw him out.  Maybe he has a legitimate reason to think that.

It had not even occurred to me he was lying......I thought maybe he really thought that......ugh.  I don't know.  I hate deceit.  

[Terabith]

My daughters have a bunch of male friends.  All the relationships seem completely platonic.  I had lots of platonic friendships with guys.  Still do.  I really wouldn’t think anything about it.  

[Katy]

18 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It had not even occurred to me he was lying......I thought maybe he really thought that......ugh.  I don't know.  I hate deceit.  

 

I'm sorry Scarlett.  It's highly possible my own past is coloring my view of this a great deal, and he really is afraid for a reason I don't understand.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Katy said:

 

I'm sorry Scarlett.  It's highly possible my own past is coloring my view of this a great deal, and he really is afraid for a reason I don't understand.

It would be fear that I don't understand either.

 

possibly though he just fears my disapproval and he didn't know how to say that exactly.....

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

My daughters have a bunch of male friends.  All the relationships seem completely platonic.  I had lots of platonic friendships with guys.  Still do.  I really wouldn’t think anything about it.  

Read the update beginning today.  They aren't platonic.  

[Terabith]

Yeah, I just realized that.  I posted and then saw the update.  I’m on team I’d just tell him that this is what I heard. 

[Scarlett]

Those of you who thnk I should tell that know....would you tell them both together?  Maybe I should group text them. Ha. Serious. 

she has been texting me tonight.  

[Tanaqui]

You're making this all more complicated and dramatic than it has to be. Next time you see your son - which should be soon, yes? - just say "Listen, so-and-so told me something surprising about you and your friend today. She seems to think you two plan to marry. What's going on? Is this true, or should I call her up and tell her she got completely the wrong end of the stick?"

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

You're making this all more complicated and dramatic than it has to be. Next time you see your son - which should be soon, yes? - just say "Listen, so-and-so told me something surprising about you and your friend today. She seems to think you two plan to marry. What's going on? Is this true, or should I call her up and tell her she got completely the wrong end of the stick?"

Well I did promise my friend I would not tell that she told me. I did tell her that she needs to tell her sister this is not something that should be kept from me. 

[Scarlett]

Ds came home from his classes today and gave me a lesson on his government class.  Then later he was explaining his calculus to me to help him remember it......it was kind of cracking me up thinking about him being someone's husband.  I had to remind him to get the trash to the curb.

his dad and I were married at 18/19. We all know how well that worked out.  ?  Interestly that had to do with his dad not being willing to be honest abou what he wanted.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

You don't have to tell who told you.

Do not confront them together. In my experience, don't treat a girlfriend like she's either your child or some kind of a threat. Don't treat a girl like a future DIL until there's an engagement ring on her finger. Don't treat her like an actual DIL until the wedding! In other words, don't behave toward their relationship at a faster rate than you've been told *by themselves only.*

They aren't minors and as far as they've told you, there's no understanding between them, so don't sit them down together.

Just talk to your son. Calmly. This is when you cash in on a lifetime of a pretty good relationship, by not going BSC at him when he grows up.

[fairfarmhand]

8 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

You don't have to tell who told you.

Do not confront them together. In my experience, don't treat a girlfriend like she's either your child or some kind of a threat. Don't treat a girl like a future DIL until there's an engagement ring on her finger. Don't treat her like an actual DIL until the wedding! In other words, don't behave toward their relationship at a faster rate than you've been told *by themselves only.*

They aren't minors and as far as they've told you, there's no understanding between them, so don't sit them down together.

Just talk to your son. Calmly. This is when you cash in on a lifetime of a pretty good relationship, by not going BSC at him when he grows up.

Yeah I would talk to him alone first. It’s possible he isn’t even certain of exactly what he wants to do but some ideas have been tossed around. And girlfriend may have presented an idea as more certain than it actually is. Or mom took something as certainty when it’s just a discussion. 

Still though. She’s his girlfriend. What’s the harm in admitting to that? Especially if the word marriage has come up.

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

You don't have to tell who told you.

Do not confront them together. In my experience, don't treat a girlfriend like she's either your child or some kind of a threat. Don't treat a girl like a future DIL until there's an engagement ring on her finger. Don't treat her like an actual DIL until the wedding! In other words, don't behave toward their relationship at a faster rate than you've been told *by themselves only.*

They aren't minors and as far as they've told you, there's no understanding between them, so don't sit them down together.

Just talk to your son. Calmly. This is when you cash in on a lifetime of a pretty good relationship, by not going BSC at him when he grows up.

Very excellent points.

the thing is, I believe they are keeping it SUCH a secret, they absolutely would,know where it came from. 

[Catwoman]

33 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Those of you who thnk I should tell that know....would you tell them both together?  Maybe I should group text them. Ha. Serious. 

she has been texting me tonight.  

 

Talk to your son. Don’t say anything at all to the girl. You need to hear from your son what’s going on and how he feels about it. Right now, it doesn’t matter how the girl feels or what she wants. This is about you and your son getting on the same page with this. 

[Scarlett]

She has been texting me for an hour.  She invited herself over tomorrow....I told her I have to work but she can come for dinner......my Dh ( who doesn't know today's events) said, 'it is like a game. '

[Catwoman]

49 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

She has been texting me for an hour.  She invited herself over tomorrow....I told her I have to work but she can come for dinner......my Dh ( who doesn't know today's events) said, 'it is like a game. '

 

She seems very forward. 

Shouldn’t she be waiting for your ds to invite her? 

It seems odd that she is contacting you directly and inviting herself over to your home. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Well I did promise my friend I would not tell that she told me. I did tell her that she needs to tell her sister this is not something that should be kept from me.  

 

I'm sure she's a very good friend, but this all sounds very middle school to me, and not the way adults should be acting.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd be having a heads-will-roll style conversation about tarnishing my reputation before I'd even be able to deal with anything else. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I'd be having a heads-will-roll style conversation about tarnishing my reputation before I'd even be able to deal with anything else. 

Excellent point.  

8 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

I'm sure she's a very good friend, but this all sounds very middle school to me, and not the way adults should be acting.

Ya think?  But I don't want to cause trouble...…my friend doesn't want to betray her sister but she only told me because she herself has 2 boys (adults now) and she knows how she would feel if she were in my shoes. 

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

She seems very forward. 

Shouldn’t she be waiting for your ds to invite her? 

It seems odd that she is contacting you directly and inviting herself over to your home. 

Well, not that weird.  Like I've said I have been very open and kind and welcoming to her for a long time.....she has a dysfunctional FOO and I try to be a positive and encouraging adult in her life.  But they definitely work to find ways to be together....they were spending A LOT of time at her cousin's house.  She is very close to him and my son is best friend's with him.  But he told his mom he told them they couldn't come over there together anymore so now neither of them go there.  

I would rather they be at my house together than her mom's.  

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Well, not that weird.  Like I've said I have been very open and kind and welcoming to her for a long time.....she has a dysfunctional FOO and I try to be a positive and encouraging adult in her life.  But they definitely work to find ways to be together....they were spending A LOT of time at her cousin's house.  She is very close to him and my son is best friend's with him.  But he told his mom he told them they couldn't come over there together anymore so now neither of them go there.  

I would rather they be at my house together than her mom's.  

 

Why did her cousin decide he didn’t want them at his house any more if she is close to him and he is also your son’s best friend? Were they behaving inappropriately or something? I’m confused.

I can’t help but wonder if this girl is playing you. She acts so nice to you and she texts you and invites herself over to your house... yet she is also being very deceitful. She is acting so sweet and nice, but is it all just an act so she can be near your son? 

If I were you, I would want to know whose idea it was to keep such a big secret from you. I think you should confront your son and get everything out in the open.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Catwoman
Edited because my iPad keeps turning were into we’re and your into you’re. GRRR!

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Why did her cousin decide he didn’t want them at his house any more if she is close to him and he is also your son’s best friend? We’re they behaving inappropriately or something? I’m confused.

I can’t help but wonder if this girl is playing you. She acts so nice to you and she texts you and invites herself over to your house... yet she is also being very deceitful. She is acting so sweet and nice, but is it all just an act so she can be near your son? 

If I were you, I would want to know whose idea it was to keep such a big secret from you. I think you should confront your son and get everything out in the open.

Since she confided to her mom, and the story is that my son 'fears' I will kick him out....I am assuming the deceit is my son's idea.  But I don't know.  And I have confronted my son.  A couple of times in a 6-9 month period.  He just flatly denies.

The cousin/friend didn't say they were being inappropriate.....just that he was sick of being a chaperone for them when they won't admit they are even dating.  

[Catwoman]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Since she confided to her mom, and the story is that my son 'fears' I will kick him out....I am assuming the deceit is my son's idea.  But I don't know.  And I have confronted my son.  A couple of times in a 6-9 month period.  He just flatly denies.

The cousin/friend didn't say they were being inappropriate.....just that he was sick of being a chaperone for them when they won't admit they are even dating.  

 

Confront him again. 

It’s ridiculous that everyone seems to know about this but you. Tell him you’re tired of being played for a fool and rat out your friend if you have no other choice — although it sounds like enough people know or strongly suspect what’s going on, so you may not have to name names.

Has your son kept things from you in the past? It always sounded like you two were very close, so if this is the first time he has kept a big secret from you, I wouldn’t be too quick to think it was his idea. Does the girl have a history of lying to her family? 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

Confront him again. 

It’s ridiculous that everyone seems to know about this but you. Tell him you’re tired of being played for a fool and rat out your friend if you have no other choice — although it sounds like enough people know or strongly suspect what’s going on, so you may not have to name names.

Has your son kept things from you in the past? It always sounded like you two were very close, so if this is the first time he has kept a big secret from you, I wouldn’t be too quick to think it was his idea. Does the girl have a history of lying to her family? 

LIke I said the girl is from a very dysfunctional FOO....I have caught her in a few  lies...the small kind that one wonders why anyone would like about.  I have told my ds she is not 100% truthful.  

I think my son has been truthful with  me in general.  I am not so stupid as to think he is 100% honest about everything.....And I did tell him I did not want to be made a fool of over this stuff.

[fairfarmhand]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

LIke I said the girl is from a very dysfunctional FOO....I have caught her in a few  lies...the small kind that one wonders why anyone would like about.  I have told my ds she is not 100% truthful.  

I think my son has been truthful with  me in general.  I am not so stupid as to think he is 100% honest about everything.....And I did tell him I did not want to be made a fool of over this stuff.

So this makes me wonder how much of this is your son and how much is the girl and her family. I wouldn’t automatically assume my son was decieving me given the above but I would want to have a heart to heart including the assurance that “look I understand if you’re still working out your feelings on this but somehow girlfriends mom thinks you’re getting married next year and that’s something I need to know about don’t you think? I mean you can make adult choices and all but adults sharing the same house do confide in one another, particularly when it’s parent-child and either party is considering a life changing decision.”

I mean I’m pretty sure you didn’t suddenly drop a bomb on him when you married your husband. He probably had an idea what was coming when that decision was made.

[Catwoman]

43 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

LIke I said the girl is from a very dysfunctional FOO....I have caught her in a few  lies...the small kind that one wonders why anyone would like about.  I have told my ds she is not 100% truthful.  

I think my son has been truthful with  me in general.  I am not so stupid as to think he is 100% honest about everything.....And I did tell him I did not want to be made a fool of over this stuff.

 

Does your son know you have already caught her in a few lies? If she lies about little stupid things, I would be very concerned that she may also lie about big important things. 

Also, is there any chance that she is lying to the people around her about the wedding plans? Is it possible that your son doesn’t even know he’s supposedly getting married next year? Could she be making it all up because it’s what she wants to happen, rather than because your son actually wants to marry her?

I’m seeing some red flags with this girl.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

Does your son know you have already caught her in a few lies? If she lies about little stupid things, I would be very concerned that she may also lie about big important things. 

Also, is there any chance that she is lying to the people around her about the wedding plans? Is it possible that your son doesn’t even know he’s supposedly getting married next year? Could she be making it all up because it’s what she wants to happen, rather than because your son actually wants to marry her?

I’m seeing some red flags with this girl.

All of the above has crossed my mind.  But there has been some very specific details that make me think he is involved in this plan---that it is not just her imagination.  

[unsinkable]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

LIke I said the girl is from a very dysfunctional FOO....I have caught her in a few  lies...the small kind that one wonders why anyone would like about.  I have told my ds she is not 100% truthful.  

I think my son has been truthful with  me in general.  I am not so stupid as to think he is 100% honest about everything.....And I did tell him I did not want to be made a fool of over this stuff.

*The small kind of lies that one wonders why anyone would lie about*

Oh, fudge, Scarlett...that is a huge red flag for me. That worries me than anything else you've written.

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

*The small kind of lies that one wonders why anyone would lie about*

Oh, fudge, Scarlett...that is a huge red flag for me. That worries me than anything else you've written.

 

Same here. That’s exactly what I was thinking.

[Catwoman]

51 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

All of the above has crossed my mind.  But there has been some very specific details that make me think he is involved in this plan---that it is not just her imagination.  

 

In that case, what is preventing you from coming right out and asking him about it? If he lies, tell him exactly what you have heard. 

If this girl is telling people that she and your son are planning to be married, your son needs to be made aware of this. This is not some little thing. This is HUGE. What if he doesn’t know she is doing that? 

Also, your son has always been truthful with you, so if he has started lying to you since he met this girl, I think you need to call him out on that because if he marries her, things are going to get worse and not better. 

Judging by what you’ve told us, this girl sounds sneaky and manipulative, and she seems to be influencing your son to be the same way. 

[easypeasy]

FWIW, I can somewhat understand the concept of not telling your parents when you are getting very serious in a relationship. Especially if one has been homeschooled all/most of his life and has, typically, had a very close relationship with his mom. Sometimes, just getting to have news of that magnitude to "yourself," without those closest to you knowing about it, can be thrilling - and sometimes, teenagers mistake this for being an "adult," if that makes sense?

With that said, if the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, and everyone seems to be aware of future plans except for you, I'd certainly take him out to dinner somewhere, and have a "Soooooooo, is there anything happening in your life that you think would be a good idea to share with me before I hear it from several other people?" ? And give him a chance to come clean. If he shrugs and says, "Not really..." then I would reply with, "Well, I'm hearing quite the buzz about you and April (whatever her name is)... that there are wedding plans being talked about....??" and see how much he squirms.

Then I would say that him making plans for his future is entirely within his realm to do, and he certainly doesn't have to have, or to seek, my approval for these life decisions... BUT that honesty and communication are the bedrock for any close relationship - whether it's immediate family, or for a future spouse - and that we need to work on our communication and honesty with one another so that our relationship isn't permanently damaged. I'd reiterate that our relationship is certainly changing... morphing... into something new, and that is okay... but that doesn't devalue the importance of honesty and communication...

And then I'd give him an enormous hug and tell him I'm proud of him for simply being him... and that I am happy to talk to him if/when he'd like. And that I was looking forward to our more-honest future together.

And I'd hope that made something click inside his head. Because, truthfully, there's nothing I could do to stop an at-age child from marrying anyone. All I can do is keep the doors of communication wiiiiiiide open.

{hugs} Adult children are tough cookies to parent.

[alisoncooks]

I would be verrrrrrrrry careful before painting this young woman (even in your mind) in a negative light (i.e. she's exaggerating or manipulative or a liar). She could become your DIL...

You've seen your son since hearing this rumor  - why not just go ahead and clear the air?  It doesn't have to be this huge thing. 

[Catwoman]

9 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

I would be verrrrrrrrry careful before painting this young woman (even in your mind) in a negative light (i.e. she's exaggerating or manipulative or a liar). She could become your DIL...

You've seen your son since hearing this rumor  - why not just go ahead and clear the air?  It doesn't have to be this huge thing. 

 

Scarlett knows the girl has lied to her. There is no question about that, and the fact that the girl lies about things about which there is no conceivable reason to lie is a big red flag, and I don’t think Scarlett needs to ignore that, particularly if her son is serious about this girl.

I don’t think Scarlett should make assumptions about the girl without evidence, but I don’t think there’s any reason why she should be viewing the girl through rose-colored glasses, either.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

14 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

Scarlett knows the girl has lied to her. There is no question about that, and the fact that the girl lies about things about which there is no conceivable reason to lie is a big red flag, and I don’t think Scarlett needs to ignore that, particularly if her son is serious about this girl.

I don’t think Scarlett should make assumptions about the girl without evidence, but I don’t think there’s any reason why she should be viewing the girl through rose-colored glasses, either.

 

Agreed. And even if she does become a DIL, it's possible for Scarlett to be kind, loving, and accepting, while also being honest with herself about the young people's flaws and challenges. That's just life. That's normal. Treat people well, but don't put your head in the sand or fail to face difficult situations as they arise.

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Tibbie Dunbar said:

 

Agreed. And even if she does become a DIL, it's possible for Scarlett to be kind, loving, and accepting, while also being honest with herself about the young people's flaws and challenges. That's just life. That's normal. Treat people well, but don't put your head in the sand or fail to face difficult situations as they arise.

This is what I am trying to do.  I have pointed out to ds in the past that she is not truthful.  I didn't say it in a way to make him think I hate her or anything....but I want him to have that on his radar...that she isn't always up front and honest.  For instance last night when she texted me I KNEW she had left a Bible study early.  I had already been TOLD.  So I asked her if she left early....and she didn't answer me directly.  She changed the subject and made it seem like 'oh it started earlier than usual.'  Which was true, but she also DID leave early.  Why lie about that?  And no it wasn't because she was sneaking off with my son....he was home in his room.  I didn't call her on it because my emotions were so raw yesterday I feared I would unleash.

And she lied about having completed her GED.  I think she lies when she feels like it will make her look bad.

But today I had lunch with her aunt who told me the girl had used the aunt's debit card and then when called on it claimed it was an accident and she thought she was using her own.  The aunt does not believe that.  It was many charges adding up to around $100.  THAT was the worst thing I have heard so far.  

And ds told me the other day the girl 'forgets her wallet' a lot.  I told him, 'don't let yourself be used.'    

I am hyperaware of how badly it can go if I speak ill of her and she ends up being my DIL.  But at the same time I am not going to be lied to.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

OK, nobody accidentally uses someone else's debit card. And if she does not have a GED...does she have a job? Does ds have good earning potential? I am getting too invested in this...