Home'scool Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 Are you sick of me yet? Cuz it's going on THREE YEARS since we decided to split up! So the latest and greatest ..... I have, with my lawyer, crafted a settlement offer. I am asking for alimony and half of the retirement and investments. That's it. I will not go after his yearly bonuses, his stock options, or the value of his parent's house that he owns. This offer, though, will expire in 30 days. If he does not agree then all bets are off. There will be no more meditations (we've had 4 sessions with no movement), no more anything. I will just go radio silent, wait for us to go to trial and continue to collect the temporary alimony that the judge awarded me. If we go to trial we will have to wait until May 2019. This was the next available date for trial from the court. But at that time I will go after everything and I am pretty confident the judge will award me everything. It will cost me many thousands to go to trial though. My reasoning is this; the alimony I am asking for will be plenty for me to live on, and half the retirement fund will be plenty for me to retire on in the future. At this point I don't care if he goes on to be a bizillionaire, I just want to be able to live my life free from his drama. I don't want to be chasing him every year to see if he got a bonus, how much, etc. I found out at the last mediation that he made $150,000 MORE this year than last year due to a promotion and bonus, and he still says he cannot afford to send money to our youngest daughter who is finishing up senior year in college. Yet he sends her a text asking about the date for her graduation because, gee, he wouldn't even think of missing it. * If I was a betting woman I would bet that he will not take this offer and will force us to go to trial. Not because he thinks he will win, but because he hates the idea of giving me anything, and just will not see the big picture. So, tick tock - 30 days and counting. 9 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 Wow. What a jackass he is. I agree with your reasoning though. Getting what you need even if not what you are legally entitled to is a good plan. My XH is suppose to give me 15% of his bonus but I think one time has that happened. He never offers...I have to ask. And every time I do I regret it because he makes me feel like a greedy gut instead of the mother of his child. I hate him at times like that. I do much better when I just live my own life. He owes me one more month of cs and then his legal obligation to me is over. :) I am just about as happy about that as I am sure he is. I hope he will listen to the voices of reason and settle with you. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 Liking for a hug/support not an actual like. I fear this is the future I face. I hope he accepts your offer. 2 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashfern Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 Good luck! Hopefully his lawyer will be able to talk sense into him because you're giving him a great offer. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 I think you're being super reasonable and hope he takes this offer. Then you can get on with your life and not have to think about him any longer. ((hugs)) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 I saw you post the other day and was wondering what the status of this situation was. Hugs to you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 What a jerk. I almost hope he says no so you can take him to the cleaners. And I'm totally not like that. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scholastica Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 Prayers that he accepts your offer. It is more than generous of you. I.just.do.not.understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 He made $150,000 more than last year? And he can’t afford to help his daughter? I am passed out on the floor. I just can’t imagine having that kind of money in the first place, much less on top of what he was already earning, and then saying that he can’t help out. How greedy he must be. He sounds like the sort of rich people that set my teeth on edge. Greedy, greedy, greedy. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted April 26, 2018 Author Share Posted April 26, 2018 Quote He made $150,000 more than last year? And he can’t afford to help his daughter? I am passed out on the floor. I just can’t imagine having that kind of money in the first place, much less on top of what he was already earning, and then saying that he can’t help out. How greedy he must be. He sounds like the sort of rich people that set my teeth on edge. Greedy, greedy, greedy. I never thought he was like that, but looking back I realize he always had the attitude that the money he made was his, not ours. We always took the type of vacations he wanted, he would never agree to any big expenditures that I wanted, but would spend a lot on himself. It's so weird after over 30 years together realizing that I just don't know him anymore. When we met he wore jeans and flannel shirts and came from a town where cow tipping was considered the height of amusement. I came from a small, affluent coastal town. He used to tease me about what a snobby town I lived in. Then, through the years, as he worked his way up the corporate ladder, image became more and more important to him. He used to drive a beat up pick-up truck that he loved; now he drives a BMW. The jeans and flannel shirts have been replaced with cashmere coats and custom fitted shirts. I get that, as a Senior VP you have to dress nice, but it overtook his whole life. He is now living in a winter rental near the beach .... in the town I grew up in! This was once the town he HATED for it's snobbishness, and now he chooses to rent there. Talk about changing his personality! 3 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 What a <redacted word> your STBX husband is. He will probably force you into trial. The only upside to that is with him making more and more $, the retirement money will be more. Your offer is reasonable. I would want it over too. Go after him HARD if he does not take this offer. HARD. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 9 minutes ago, Home'scool said: I never thought he was like that, but looking back I realize he always had the attitude that the money he made was his, not ours. We always took the type of vacations he wanted, he would never agree to any big expenditures that I wanted, but would spend a lot on himself. It's so weird after over 30 years together realizing that I just don't know him anymore. When we met he wore jeans and flannel shirts and came from a town where cow tipping was considered the height of amusement. I came from a small, affluent coastal town. He used to tease me about what a snobby town I lived in. Then, through the years, as he worked his way up the corporate ladder, image became more and more important to him. He used to drive a beat up pick-up truck that he loved; now he drives a BMW. The jeans and flannel shirts have been replaced with cashmere coats and custom fitted shirts. I get that, as a Senior VP you have to dress nice, but it overtook his whole life. He is now living in a winter rental near the beach .... in the town I grew up in! This was once the town he HATED for it's snobbishness, and now he chooses to rent there. Talk about changing his personality! This is very similar to the path my XH took. We grew up in the same small rural town and he was just a country boy. :) Then he began to climb the corporate ladder and image became an obsession to him. It was just ridiculous and I believe led him down the path that destroyed our marriage. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 38 minutes ago, Home'scool said: I never thought he was like that, but looking back I realize he always had the attitude that the money he made was his, not ours. We always took the type of vacations he wanted, he would never agree to any big expenditures that I wanted, but would spend a lot on himself. It's so weird after over 30 years together realizing that I just don't know him anymore. When we met he wore jeans and flannel shirts and came from a town where cow tipping was considered the height of amusement. I came from a small, affluent coastal town. He used to tease me about what a snobby town I lived in. Then, through the years, as he worked his way up the corporate ladder, image became more and more important to him. He used to drive a beat up pick-up truck that he loved; now he drives a BMW. The jeans and flannel shirts have been replaced with cashmere coats and custom fitted shirts. I get that, as a Senior VP you have to dress nice, but it overtook his whole life. He is now living in a winter rental near the beach .... in the town I grew up in! This was once the town he HATED for it's snobbishness, and now he chooses to rent there. Talk about changing his personality! In reading your update I was wondering if there were any early clues he was such a selfish jerk. I guess the answer is "yes and no". It's amazing how people can change - and not always for the better. hugs. For your sake I hope it's over soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 Just a thought, what about requiring him to have a life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary? Because if he passes prematurely there would be no alimony. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted April 26, 2018 Author Share Posted April 26, 2018 Quote In reading your update I was wondering if there were any early clues he was such a selfish jerk. I guess the answer is "yes and no". It's amazing how people can change - and not always for the better. hugs. For your sake I hope it's over soon. He could be a real selfish jerk, but it was always towards people he worked with. My family loved him. He came across as a real stand-up guy who had a strong moral compass. He seemed to be a real great father too. Things started to fall apart when our two daughters got old enough to voice their own opinions and make their own decisions. Then, when the family wasn't falling in line, it all became my fault. So it's like the worst parts of his personality became exaggerated and the parts that made him a good guy got pushed away. Quote Just a thought, what about requiring him to have a life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary? Because if he passes prematurely there would be no alimony Stuff like having a life insurance policy and paying for my health insurance is part of the offer. I consider those small things because they are required by law. He is fighting me on alimony because our state law says alimony 'should not exceed 35% or displayed need" and that is where he is trying to get me. He says I don't need alimony because, in his opinion, I am underemployed (I work full time and make over $40k a year) and if I need more money I should get a better job. I wish I could show the court that he doesn't need his whole $300K+ salary and that he should give me more! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 It sounds to me like alimony is significantly less than half of assets, which is what you are entitled to. He's an idiot if he doesn't give you what you want. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 53 minutes ago, Katy said: He's an idiot if he doesn't give you what you want. He would be an idiot - but not knowing him, only that he's a SVP in a corporate - I'm guessing its about the power now. At that level you have control over a lot of people, and the power really does corrupt. I worked part time for many years, so I have stood on the sideline and watched my peers of 25 years ago climb the corporate ladder. Many that have made it to the top get drunk on the power and they will go to great lengths to maintain it. Personalities really do seem to change. Not settling means that he still has some control over home'scool and that's probably his biggest motivation, not the money. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mominco Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted April 26, 2018 Share Posted April 26, 2018 5 hours ago, Hannah said: He would be an idiot - but not knowing him, only that he's a SVP in a corporate - I'm guessing its about the power now. At that level you have control over a lot of people, and the power really does corrupt. I worked part time for many years, so I have stood on the sideline and watched my peers of 25 years ago climb the corporate ladder. Many that have made it to the top get drunk on the power and they will go to great lengths to maintain it. Personalities really do seem to change. Not settling means that he still has some control over home'scool and that's probably his biggest motivation, not the money. QFT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 27, 2018 Share Posted April 27, 2018 I, too, noticed you had posted the other day and wondered how things were going. What an @#$!badword#@$& he is. I hope he takes your deal so you can get on with your life. It makes me so sad to think of someone changing so negatively. My DH was a farm boy when I met him and he is still a farm boy. Not every way in which he has changed has been ideal, but I am glad he never outgrew his Levis and his Red Wings. He is still a man with simple desires. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 Update: *When he texted our youngest daughter about coming to her graduation she never texted back. She just didn't want to deal with formulating a text, getting a response, blah blah blah. So we go to her graduation and, lo and behold, he shows up. I noticed him standing in the back of the room. I texted my daughter and she writes back "Get rid of him. I don't want to see him." So our oldest daughter goes over to him and kept it real simple and concise. Just "This day is not about anybody but daughter X and she does not want you here." He started to imply that he wasn't invited because I would get all upset. He just will not believe that I am not poisoning his daughters against him. I think it helps him justify his behavior or something. He then actually started crying. She just kept sticking to the line about "this is not about you, it's about her." Finally he left. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe, this may spur him to reach a settlement? I feel like he finally saw the way he is ostracized from the family. Before it didn't seem to matter to him because he was so busy with girlfriends, or triathlon training, or whatever mid-life crisis event he wanted to do, but this was the first major event he was not allowed to be at. Who knows though. As a side note, our youngest graduated with a degree in architecture and has a job already. Our oldest daughter has her degree in biology and works in cancer research. My STBX's background is science (he has a degree in chemical engineering) and building. He could not have designed a better scenario for them all to have something in common and that he could have really shared in their accomplishments. But no. He is missing it all. He doesn't even know where they are working or what they are doing. These are supposed to be the years where you breath a sigh of relief that the hard job of raising them is over and, now that they are self-sufficient, you can sit back and enjoy their achievements. He is missing it all. 3 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Yes, it's tough. I'm in limbo-land still, but I can imagine it going this way for me. You are ahead of me on this path. So much of my story is the same. Mine sees all of the retirement funds in his name as being his, and that isn't at all the case. I have some, but he has like 80-85% if you include his pensions.He's living the good life in retirement, and we are pretty close to living paycheck-to-paycheck. Lately I've been selling things to tide us over. Every little bit counts right now. Thankfully the family house should settle this month, but I plan to be very careful with those funds. My own retirement isn't that far away. I'm also significantly underemployed and live in an expensive area of the country. I considered moving, but my friends are here and the job prospects are much better. I'll eventually get better work. My oldest has an upcoming military graduation, and there was drama about his father coming as well. My oldest doesn't want him there. His father doesn't see why not. I could completely see my husband just showing up the way the OP's did. I guess we'll have to deal either way. I'm flying in late the night before the pre-graduation events, leaving right afterwards, and staying at a base hotel that no longer has rooms, so maybe that schedule will keep me personally out of the limelight. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted May 16, 2018 Share Posted May 16, 2018 congratulations to both your daughters. That is outstanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted May 16, 2018 Author Share Posted May 16, 2018 Quote Mine sees all of the retirement funds in his name as being his, and that isn't at all the case. I have some, but he has like 80-85% if you include his pensions.He's living the good life in retirement, and we are pretty close to living paycheck-to-paycheck. Lately I've been selling things to tide us over. Every little bit counts right now. Thankfully the family house should settle this month, but I plan to be very careful with those funds. My own retirement isn't that far away. I'm also significantly underemployed and live in an expensive area of the country. I considered moving, but my friends are here and the job prospects are much better. I'll eventually get better work. Are you working with an attorney? There shouldn't be that much of a disparity in your access to funds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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