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fairfarmhand

By fairfarmhand,
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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

Posted
Posted

Also known as AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

 

I teach a drama class. We meet once a week for 3-4 months and put on a show in the spring and fall. The calendars are posted at the very beginning of the rehearsal period. No surprises. 

 

Dress Rehearsal is on Wednesday of performance week.

Performance Thursday

Performance Friday.

 

Very clearly in writing it is indicated that if you can't commit to dress rehearsal and both performances, you won't be cast. I (halfway jokingly) tell my kids that if you're not dying or have someone in your family that's dying, I have to have you there for dress rehearsal and the performances.

 

Our current show is the first weekend in May so it's pretty far off and we're just a few weeks into rehearsals. We can recast if needed at this point.

 

We're a small group with no understudies and it's super important that everyone follows through on their commitments.

 

If an emergency came up, we'd make things work. Thankfully that's never happened. 

 

So I get a text from a student who asks "Will you be mad if I don't make it to dress rehearsal on Wednesday of performance week?"

 

When pressed for why, I learn that this student has friends getting married the Saturday before and wants to spend time with friends in the area and plans on flying back on that Wednesday.

 

My initial impulse is to write back:

 

"I need you at Dress Rehearsal. One person missing does impact the group and you've known about this commitment for several weeks now. You will have to decide whether taking an extra day to visit with friends is worth giving up this role. If you choose to miss dress rehearsal, I will need to recast the part. Either way, I have no hard feelings. Let me know what you decide. " 

 

I also included that if this were something like a college exam where the student had no control over the scheduling, I would be more understanding. 

 

Am I off?

 

Am I just being a pain? I will admit that my initial response was "WHAT? You know the schedule! "

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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Does it make a difference if it's my own kid?

 

Frankly, I'd be more understanding of someone else's kid at least ASKING the question. But my response would be the same. 

 

For my kid to even ask the question makes me  :banghead:  :banghead:  :banghead:

 

I don't think I should make an exception for my own kid, it's unfair to the rest of the group.

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wintermom

wintermom

Posted
Posted (edited)

Does it make a difference if it's my own kid?

 

Frankly, I'd be more understanding of someone else's kid at least ASKING the question. But my response would be the same. 

 

For my kid to even ask the question makes me  :banghead:  :banghead:  :banghead:

 

I don't think I should make an exception for my own kid, it's unfair to the rest of the group.

 

Of course not. It makes no difference who misses, as every role is an important piece of the show. 

 

Maybe this person needs an off-stage role for this production? Set design, painting, sound, lighting, props?

Edited by wintermom
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Ailaena

Ailaena

Posted
Posted (edited)

You’re way too nice. “I will not be mad if you’re missing dress rehearsal. Thank you for letting me know and we will recast the roll immediately.â€

 

Only because there is the very real chance that he will just not tell you he decided to miss and then you’re stuck with him in the roll.

 

Honestly, though, my response would really depend on how seriously he really takes the class and the part. Maybe he can’t afford to ever see the people, maybe it will be years before he gets back, maybe I don’t really care all that much for various reasons, idk. But I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

 

ETA: your own kid can’t havd special treatment :(

Edited by Ailaena
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bolt.

bolt.

Posted
Posted (edited)

You are reasonable, but your response sounds angry (or patronizing -- depending on the audience).

 

It sounds like a lecture, or a guilt trip, or maybe like you feel defensive and need to give the reasons 'why I'm not unreasonable here' -- which always (always!) hits the reader as 'why you are clearly in the wrong here'.

 

I'd go with,

 

"I'm writing to confirm that dress rehearsal is manditory for the whole cast. I can recast your role (no hard feelings!) if you need to be away. Please let me know when you know for sure about your travel plans."

Edited by bolt.
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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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You are reasonable, but your response sounds angry (or patronizing -- depending on the audience).

 

It sounds like a lecture, or a guilt trip, or maybe like you feel defensive and need to give the reasons 'why I'm not unreasonable here' -- which always (always!) hits the reader as 'why you are clearly in the wrong here'.

 

I'd go with,

 

"I'm writing to confirm that dress rehearsal is manditory for the whole cast. I can recast your role (no hard feelings!) if you need to be away. Please let me know when you know for sure about your travel plans."

BECAUSE I AM VERY ANGRY!

 

I started shaking as soon as I read the text. Thanks for this wording. It's helpful.

 

That's part of why I posted. I don't want to respond out of anger. I just want to consistently follow the rules I've set up.

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Annie G

Annie G

Posted
Posted

Dress rehearsals are required unless it's an emergency.  But I'm cracking up that it's your own kid.  I thought your response was fine. We've had cast members try to skip dress rehearsals and even performances for crazy reasons. You gotta stick to your rules or it'll drive you crazy.  (And from your response, I think that ship has sailed-  it's already driving you crazy.g)

 

Wedding is on Saturday, so kid can fly back late Tuesday or early enough Wednesday to make the rehearsal.  Still a couple of days after the wedding to hang with friends. 

 

 

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Seasider

Seasider

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Posted

If the student is old enough to have friends that are getting married, the student is old enough to understand the original commitment he/she made. You are not being unreasonable, in my opinion.

I agree 100%. Especially in theater, where it's a known that availability for rehearsals affects casting.

 

Besides, it's not like this theater commitment is preventing the student from attending the wedding. Personally, it's the "will you be mad at me" way of asking that I'd find most annoying! My answer would have been pretty short and sweet: "Well no, hon, I won't be *mad* at you! But I *will* recast the role. Have fun with your friends!"

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wintermom

wintermom

Posted
Posted (edited)

BECAUSE I AM VERY ANGRY!

 

I started shaking as soon as I read the text. Thanks for this wording. It's helpful.

 

That's part of why I posted. I don't want to respond out of anger. I just want to consistently follow the rules I've set up.

 

I LOVE the text "Will you be mad..." Of course mom as the director will be mad. This child already knew the answer, I'm betting.  :laugh:

 

Good luck! Hope you don't lose too many hairs with this production. Our youth theatre director is bald, btw. 

Edited by wintermom
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bolt.

bolt.

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don’t see anything angry in the response you typed in the OP. You are telling the person their choices and possible consequences while still leaving it up to them.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's pretty personal with the "I need..." and "You have known for a long time..." and "...this commitment..." And "You will have to decide..." and "... worth it..."

 

It sounds patronizing because it implies 'do the right thing' while pretending to say 'it's up to you'.

 

If she wants to play the director she can probably stick to 'it's up to you' as the key message.

Edited by bolt.
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vonfirmath

vonfirmath

Posted
Posted (edited)

My niece is graduating Sunday May 20. Homeschool graduation but a BIG deal because people are flying in, etc

 

My kids are in the play at church, currently scheduled to be Sunday May 6.

They chose NOT to try out for parts last Sunday because there is a bigger than zero chance the play will get rescheduled. (it has happened in the past, and our main worship center is currently under construction and the opening date has already slipped a couple times) And, if so, it will not slide to Mother's Day. It will slide to May 20 and they will not be able to be there. We do not want to put the group in the lurch to cover a Role in that case. They are going to be part of group things that their absence will not be as big a deal if they have to be absent.

 

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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My niece is graduating Sunday May 20. Homeschool graduation but a BIG deal because people are flying in, etc

 

My kids are in the play at church, currently scheduled to be Sunday May 6.

They chose NOT to try out for parts last Sunday because there is a bigger than zero chance the play will get rescheduled. (it has happened in the past, and our main worship center is currently under construction and the opening date has already slipped a couple times) And, if so, it will not slide to Mother's Day. It will slide to May 20 and they will not be able to be there. We do not want to put the group in the lurch to cover a Role in that case. They are going to be part of group things that their absence will not be as big a deal if they have to be absent.

This is how most of my students work. One kid is taking a missions trip in April. She gave me th dates before I even cast and said “I totally understand if this means I cant participate this semester. “ it’s an attitude I love.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Garga

Garga

Posted
Posted (edited)

Also known as AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

 

I teach a drama class. We meet once a week for 3-4 months and put on a show in the spring and fall. The calendars are posted at the very beginning of the rehearsal period. No surprises. 

 

Dress Rehearsal is on Wednesday of performance week.

Performance Thursday

Performance Friday.

 

Very clearly in writing it is indicated that if you can't commit to dress rehearsal and both performances, you won't be cast. I (halfway jokingly) tell my kids that if you're not dying or have someone in your family that's dying, I have to have you there for dress rehearsal and the performances.

 

Our current show is the first weekend in May so it's pretty far off and we're just a few weeks into rehearsals. We can recast if needed at this point.

 

We're a small group with no understudies and it's super important that everyone follows through on their commitments.

 

If an emergency came up, we'd make things work. Thankfully that's never happened. 

 

So I get a text from a student who asks "Will you be mad if I don't make it to dress rehearsal on Wednesday of performance week?"

 

When pressed for why, I learn that this student has friends getting married the Saturday before and wants to spend time with friends in the area and plans on flying back on that Wednesday.

 

My initial impulse is to write back:

 

"I need you at Dress Rehearsal. One person missing does impact the group and you've known about this commitment for several weeks now. You will have to decide whether taking an extra day to visit with friends is worth giving up this role. If you choose to miss dress rehearsal, I will need to recast the part. Either way, I have no hard feelings. Let me know what you decide. " 

 

I also included that if this were something like a college exam where the student had no control over the scheduling, I would be more understanding. 

 

Am I off?

 

Am I just being a pain? I will admit that my initial response was "WHAT? You know the schedule! "

 

 

It's pretty personal with the "I need..." and "You have known for a long time..." and "...this commitment..." And "You will have to decide..." and "... worth it..."

 

It sounds patronizing because it implies 'do the right thing' while pretending to say 'it's up to you'.

 

If she wants to play the director she can probably stick to 'it's up to you' as the key message.

 

Yup.  Bolt is right: your response in the above is too personal because it's your dd.  I'd be livid as well.  But your response is going to just add fire to the flames. From what I recall, this dd is dramatic and it's hard on you dealing with it.  Don't give in to the drama of her request.  Stay level headed in your response.

 

You could text back the following, which is what you already wrote, but with all the "you" references and lecturing removed.  Add a date to the end of when you'll need to know what she's decided.  

 

I need you at Dress Rehearsal. If you miss dress rehearsal, I will need to recast the part. Either way, I have no hard feelings. Let me know what you decide...by X date.

Edited by Garga
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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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Yup. Bolt is right: your response in the above is too personal because it's your dd. I'd be livid as well. But your response is going to just add fire to the flames. From what I recall, this dd is dramatic and it's hard on you dealing with it. Don't give in to the drama of her request. Stay level headed in your response.

 

]

So I guess I can’t mention murder. Sigh.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Saddlemomma

Saddlemomma

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My DH is the president of a children's theater group.  This year he's also director of the annual play.  He is running into the exact same problems.  During the very beginning of auditions, it was stated when rehearsals would be, how long they would be, how important it would be to attend each and every rehearsal because this was a commitment and just a short time to get the play together.

 

In addition, a contract was given to the parents detailing all this information and to weigh it heavily against any other commitments -- like dance, basketball, and other sports.  In short, the kids were asked to choose which activity they wanted to commit to. 

 

Everyone signed the contract.  The very first three rehearsals, kids were email DH that they wouldn't be able to attend rehearsal because of dance, basketball, and other activities.  One rehearsal was missing 5 kids. There are less than 20 in the production.

 

It seems like the term "commitment" holds no meaning today.  We see this constantly.

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school17777

school17777

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Posted

BECAUSE I AM VERY ANGRY!

 

I started shaking as soon as I read the text. Thanks for this wording. It's helpful.

 

That's part of why I posted. I don't want to respond out of anger. I just want to consistently follow the rules I've set up.

It’s a good thing not to respond in anger. Generally, even though you might end up saying the same thing not in anger, the nonangry response is usually received better.

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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Wanna know some irony?

 

In the past we’ve had a couple of flaky undependable kids. She joined in the rants about how annoying it was and how badly rehearsal was thrown off because they weren’t there.

 

Another bit of irony:

 

If we got down to the last week of rehearsal I know for a fact that she would be Shaken about going onstage without having experienced dress rehearsal and she would regret planning this way. But from here, months in the future she won’t think of that.

 

She knows that people go into performances rattled when dress rehearsal doesn’t go smoothly.

 

It’s like she’s got a disconnect in her brain about this stuff.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Seasider

Seasider

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You are SO in the driver's seat on this one! Just tell her succinctly that the rules apply to everyone and that you need a decision by x date because you WILL need to recast if she goes. Awesome lesson learning opportunity here.

 

Yes, it's annoying and maddening and highly inconvenient, but what part of parenting isn't?

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