How do you support a friend with stage 4 cancer?

[Maus]

A dear friend of mine who has offered me a lot of support as a fellow caregiver just found out she has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. They said there is nothing they can do, and she has about nine months.

 

I hardly even know how to process it myself, but I want to lean in and offer her my support.

 

I don't know what to offer.

[Just Kate]

First, I am so sorry about your friend. I lost my best friend to adrenal cancer four years ago. She was also diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and she lived 3.5 months after diagnosis. The whole situation was such a shock. I remember having to allow myself time to just feel sad while also pitching in and helping my friend.

 

In my situation, I lived 3 hours away from my friend (we had previously lived in the same town but I moved away). My friend was married with a 9 year old, but no other local family. I immediately contacted her husband to see what I could do to help. At first, my friend wanted me to support her from afar. She was a very private person and she got sick quickly. We “talked†daily (texted) but she didn’t want me to visit right away. I sent gifts (a wedge pillow for her to use in bed, fluffy socks, good chap stick, fun things for her daughter) and just made myself available. I also got in tocuh with her family (sisters and parents) who were coming to stay with her from out of town. Finally I was able to visit her. I began to go and stay weekends and just help around the house. I would sit and watch tv with my friend. We rarely talked about her illness (she would talk about her doctor visits, but not specifically about her diagnosis). I just made it so I was there for her.

 

I happened to be visiting the weekend that my friend passed away, so I ended up being the person to go with her husband to make arrangements. Now, that was something that I had never planned but I am now so thankful that I was able to be there for him.

 

My suggestion would be to make yourself available and see what your friend needs. As soon as I heard about my friend’s diagnosis, I wanted to jump in my car to be with her, but that isn’t what she needed. If your friend is married, let her husband know that you are available. See how you can be a resource to him as well. And finally, just allow yourself to be sad. Losing my best friend was the most difficult thing I’ve gone through and I still miss her so much. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me. I’m so sorry.

[mumto2]

:grouphug: I am so sorry.

 

I've done this twice. My support looked different for each friend.

 

My first time the friend was super social. She was in the process of building her dream house when she got sick and wanted it filled with friends, kids, and joy. I did my best to make this happen. Sometimes that meant sitting in her bedroom looking over her backyard watching our kids run when she was too weak to go downstairs. Other times we danced in the yard. Basically I made food that she might like and showed up evey Friday with my kids. That was what she wanted, one day a week. Three other moms were in this with me. I still see them frequently. To some degree she gave me her other friends...

 

I am still recovering from the death of my other friend. Her death was just brutal because we thought she was cured and instead of her scheduled reconstruction surgery which we were planning for she died. One minute we were meeting for a holiday party and the next she was hospitalised instead. She never came home due to complications that just came coming.....if there was a 1% chance of something bad happening it did. In her last months she refused to let anyone see her except her husband and daughter. We supported them. I wrote long funny letters most days for her husband to read to her in the hospital. The letters gave them both a break and my friend loved gossip. I provided. Occasiionally she could talk. Dvd's.....I did anything I could think of to make her and her family more comfortable.

 

Neither friend wanted to talk about their illnesses beyond the next procedure, always hope.

The Friday friend and I actually picked out my next curriculum for home ed during our last afternoon together. She picked out a puppy (pictures of a litter) for another.

Edited January 9, 2018 by mumto2

[Guest]

I have no suggestions, but I just wanted to say to the posters who have responded, you guys are amazing friends. I would hope to God to have one friend like this if I faced something so dreadful.

 

Peace.

[Ottakee]

I would ask her what she wants/needs.

 

My MIL has pancreatic cancer. We called in Hospice right away and they have had a lot of services to offer that have made things easier.

 

I know my MIL varies greatly day to day what she feels up to....some days she is in bed sick all day, other days she drives and goes shopping.

 

I know for her small, simple single serving meals are great as she is a widow. Housekeeping/laundry/dishes are great as well.

 

If she has kids that need transportation that might be a huge blessing to pick up and drop them off so they can continue their activities. She could even ride along on good days if she wants.

[YaelAldrich]

I am sorry that this is happening to your friend, but I am grateful to you for asking how to support her.

 

My sister just died one year ago of Stage four breast cancer.  She asked her good friends to visit her, call her when they couldn't come over, let her bake for them on her good days.  She was an extreme extrovert so those things made her feel good.  Your friend may not feel that way, so please ask her and her closest support network how you can help.  They may ask for you to take up chores to free up their time or to help take her places like chemo or doctor appointments.  They may ask you to come over and be with her while they get other tasks done.

 

Whatever they ask that you can do is a blessing to them and to you too.

[J-rap]

I am so very sorry.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I'd guess it might be different for each person depending on their personality and their needs.  I think my instinct would be to be very practical about it.  "Okay, this is what it is, what needs to be done."  Meals?  Sort through old boxes?  Clean the attic?  Help put together albums?  Laundry?  Take kids places?  

 

But you probably know your friend best.  Maybe she just wants to talk and needs you to listen and hold her hand.  Or maybe her husband has ideas or could use some support himself.  Or maybe she'd rather be alone with her family right now.  I'm sure you'll figure it out.

 

When my good friend had advanced breast cancer, she didn't want to talk about it at all.  She wanted my visits to be more like normal visits -- not sick visits.  We'd have coffee and talk and laugh and gossip and discuss our kids, same as we always did, like everything was normal.  Her attitude was that death is normal too, even when it's painful and too soon.  (Of course inside, we were both grieving, but I think attempting to have that attitude helped.)

[EKS]

I am so sorry.

 

I had a friend with stage 4 breast cancer who ended up living almost five years, so not quite the same.  But one thing she told me that she really appreciated was that she didn't need to censor herself when talking to me (particularly about her impending death).  

[SparklyUnicorn]

My mother liked being visited and called. 

[Pam in CT]

:grouphug:

 

There will be an early stage, starting now, when you can do things -- ferry her to appointments, organize meals, help with tasks she may want to see accomplished but does not have the energy to do (clearing out the attic, lining up housekeeping / lawn maintenance / automatic bill pay for when she won't be able to do it anymore, etc).

 

She will eventually lose all interest in and ability to manage food, but there's an interim stage where cream soups, pudding, milkshakes etc can be the high point of a cancer patient's day.  Nutrition isn't the point, joy is.  If she develops an interest in milkshakes, bring her one every time you visit.

 

And if you can, visit.  Briefly but often.  The last month of my father's life, the man with whom he'd long worked as a Habitat foreman stopped by after the day's build, often for just 10-15 minutes, just to say hello, update him on the site progress, tell a funny story, drop off a milkshake.  I barely knew Ed before this time.  I will forever be grateful to him.

 

And then a point will come when her work will narrow to the transition to death, and what you can do in a sense widens emotionally, to giving her space and to the extent possible comfort as she does that.  Read whatever she wants aloud for as long as she wants, bring an old iPod and offer up music, just sit there.  Once it starts it goes fast.

 

 

Holding her and you in the light.

 

[Annie G]

When our friend had stage four cancer she asked us all to treat them like a normal family if we saw them out in public, and not ask her about the cancer or treat her as if she was sick.  She was trying to create some last good memories with her husband and kids and even though they knew the cancer was there, for her it ruined an event if people came up to offer sympathy while it was intermission at a musical or something. She just wanted to be a normal family for as long as possible. She had a Facebook page just for her cancer (separate from her regular Facebook page) so they could announce new treatments, etc. and not have to tell everyone individually.

 

Also, we arranged meals and housecleaning and before the kids could drive we handled getting them to and from activities so dear friend and her husband could spend quality time together without worrying about meals or cleaning toilets. 

 

Cards and letters have meant a lot to our friends who had cancer.  Even more than emails or texts or Facebook messages. They were read over and over and spouses had them after our friends passed.  

 

You're such a good friend to look for ways to support her.   :grouphug:

[Maus]

Thank you all for the ideas.

[Ali in OR]

My mom died of pancreatic cancer 3 months after diagnosis. Her children were all grown, raising families, and 3 of the 4 of us were many hours away. She had wonderful daily support from her friends and sister. When we visited, someone else was always either there or had just been there. Helpful things they did:

 

Run a load of laundry

Fold laundry and put away

Do a little housework

Bring food for visiting family (we appreciated this!)

Send cards

Built a small ramp to get wheelchair down 1 step to family room

Laughed and visited with her

Provided physical assistance with transfers, daily care, etc.

 

She enjoyed reliving fun and funny memories. My brother brought his trip diary from when they went to England when he was 12 and he read it aloud--it was hilarious. She needed to sleep a lot and not be bothered too much the last few days but we still had meaningful times with her too.

[Pippen]

My mom went through this with her best friend recently. Her no more than a year life expectancy wound up being almost a year and a half. What she needed most from her was my mom's usual friendship, with sensitivity to when she wasn't up to their usual outings. They went on long drives, shopped, hung out, and a few friends took her on a trip fairly late to see the city decorated for the holidays. When she could no longer work but wanted to be useful, my mom let her come help out with some projects at her house. 

 

Friends did bring meals and help with transportation to treatment. 

 

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

 

 

[JFSinIL]

My MIL announced in June a few years back that she had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and had about six months left. Aside from all the other help that was given, her six kids helped pack up and move the couple to assisted living so MIL could get FIL settled in before she passed. Last week in their old home before the move, in mid-October, I brought over a roast turkey breast and mashed taters and an apple pie (her fav) and others brought items, too, and we had an early Thanksgiving dinner for her. She did not live until actual Thanksgiving. But the memory of the last holiday meal together was important for the rest of the family. Perhaps you could help make sure they get those special event meals in even if they need to come early...

Edited January 10, 2018 by JFSinIL

[Tanaqui]

I'm so sorry to hear this :(

 

Different people are different, and will have different needs and wants. The most important thing is to be there for her, consistently. Her job is not to cheer you up over her death - and she may not want you to cheer her up always.  She might be sad, or grumpy, or angry at times, and she'll still need you to be there for her. You'd be unpleasantly surprised how many people back off from their friends when the going gets emotionally rough. Don't be that friend. Be the one who sets an alarm so you remember to call every day and have a chat, and who visits every week (or as often as is reasonable), and who is there.

 

And of course, you'll want to do practical things. Especially as it gets harder for her, everybody in the family might appreciate you remembering to take the kids out with yours so the adults can rest from remembering not to stress them too much. They'll all appreciate it if you pop a load of clothes in the wash while you visit, and fold them while you chat (man, it's so hard to deal with stress in dirty clothes), or if you just arrange to pick up her groceries so that her partner can stay with her instead of having to go to the store.