bettyandbob Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 Plans to propose... You are not related. You have had misgivings about the relationship from the beginning. You like each person and knew each person separately before the relationship began. The relationship began under very problematic circumstances. (There is some collateral damage involving small DC that the party who is likely to propose and make this announcement has not addressed) You don't want to be in a position to endorse, if asked how you feel. You have to see this person multiple times a week and need a good relationship with both. I'm going with congratulations. I'm afraid I will be asked more in depth what I think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILiveInFlipFlops Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 Plans to propose... You are not related. You have had misgivings about the relationship from the beginning. You like each person and knew each person separately before the relationship began. The relationship began under very problematic circumstances. (There is some collateral damage involving small DC that the party who is likely to propose and make this announcement has not addressed) You don't want to be in a position to endorse, if asked how you feel. You have to see this person multiple times a week and need a good relationship with both. I'm going with congratulations. I'm afraid I will be asked more in depth what I think. Congratulations is good. If pressed for what I think, I'd try to cheerfully say, "I think you should do what's best for you and X and the kids." That's it. People are going to do what they want to do, no matter what you say, so I'd just try to stay out of it unless I saw things getting really bad (reportable) for the kids. And it doesn't sound like that's what you're worried about, I think? 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
displace Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 My policy with non-family members: don't give unsolicited advice. If you know specifics that they don't know about that could change the outcome, I would privately reveal that information. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 "Wow, that's big news! When are you hoping to get married?" There are all kinds of delicate ways to dance around the issue... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 "Congratulations!" It is not your place to give unsolicited advice, and it is highly doubtful advice at this point would have any effect anyway. If they did ask me how I feel, I would state any concerns I have in a factual manner. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 "Wow! That's a big step!" said in an appropriate tone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted November 6, 2017 Share Posted November 6, 2017 best wishes to both of you 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 best wishes to both of you Yes, this. I don’t offer congratulations when I don’t think it is warranted but I will offer a civil “best wishesâ€. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 “Comgratulations.†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 "I'm getting married! What do you think?" "How exciting for you!" "Do you think I'm making the right choice?" "Why do you think I would know?" "Oh, come on, what do you really think?" Various responses: "I've seen enough in my life that I don't have any idea what really works for someone else. Have you guys set a date?" "Why would you ask ME that?" "I don't think anything!" "What does your mom think?" I would keep any response light, distant, and I'd dance and pass the bean dip. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 Congratulations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted November 7, 2017 Share Posted November 7, 2017 I think that being "older and wiser" has its advantages and its drawbacks. It is hard to just go along with things when we see red flags, but we also don't want to become the naysayers nor the negative nellies that put a damper on things and no one wants to be with us anymore because of it. We can begin to see all of the problems and think that everything is doomed and then what do we become? They are very unlikely to heed your advice anyway. If you had serious red flags and it was your sister, that might be different? Just say congrats. Sometimes the picture perfect relationships fall apart the fastest. It is their life to live and figure out. All we can do is support them and love them along the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 That's a big step! I wish you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Busman's Honeymoon, a sergeant (Foster) talking about a young constable (Sellon), then rebuked by the sergeant's superior (Kirk) [Foster] explained that he had offered help and guidance at the time of Sellon's marriage; it had not been well received. "I told him he was doing a foolish thing and that that girl would be the ruin of him." "Did you?" said Kirk, mildly. "Well, then, perhaps it's no wonder he didn't turn to you when he was in a fix. I dunno as I would myself in his place. You see, Foster, when a young fellow's made up his mind, it ain't no good calling the young woman names. You only alienates him and puts yourself in a position where you can't do no good. When I was courtin' Mrs. K., you don't think I'd have 'eard a word agen her, not from the Chief Constable himself. Not likely. Just you put yourself in his place." Sergeant Foster said briefly that he couldn't put himself in the place of making a fool of himself over a bit of skirt.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 (edited) Thanks all. I think I know how I will respond if pressed. I hate knowing too much about people's crap. Edited November 8, 2017 by Diana P. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monica_in_Switzerland Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 I'll be a dissenter. I agree to offer a non-committal congrats. But if I person continued to press me for my honest opinion, I'd probably give it. "You know I care about you and X. And I really care about the kids. This incident concerns me and gives me misgivings. But ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right, and I will be nothing but congratulatory on the day of your wedding, and hope/pray for its success and your family's happiness from that point forward." This is mostly because I simply have no poker face and cannot deflect well. When this sort of thing happens to be, I take a big breath, all ready with my lie, and then I turn beet red and spit out the truth and fall over myself with qualifiers to make me not sound like too much of a jerk. :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 For now, just "Congratulations." But you say she might ask you later what you really think? Does she value your opinion? I like answering questions like that with more questions. For example, if there are dc involved, you could ask, "Have you considered what it will be like taking on the responsibility of small children? Are you able to do that?" etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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