Physical attraction in marriage

[scoutingmom]

He's a different person than you are.

Yes he is. I still think I am a lot more likely to know what a 400lb person is likely to think about food, exercise, and weight loss than you. Could I be wrong? Sure. But every piece of information that has been given fits my theory and experience.

 

And what is the point of this discussion anyway? Was it a JAWM?

[Catwoman]

This sounds like alternative facts to me. I can't argue with that.

I'm not sure what you mean. :confused:

[Catwoman]

Yes he is. I still think I am a lot more likely to know what a 400lb person is likely to think about food, exercise, and weight loss than you. Could I be wrong? Sure. But every piece of information that has been given fits my theory and experience.

 

And what is the point of this discussion anyway? Was it a JAWM?

I have no idea what was or wasn't a JAWM. This isn't even my thread! I have tried to bow out, but people keep commenting and misrepresenting what I have posted, so I keep coming back to clarify.

 

I agree that you would know more about what a 400 pound person is thinking than I would, but I'm posting what the wife has told me, and she knows far more about this specific 400 pound person than you or I know.

 

People have different personalities and different feelings, so I don't agree that all 400 pound men share the same feelings about food, exercise, and weight loss. I absolutely believe that you know how your husband feels, but I don't think you necessarily know how another woman's husband feels.

 

I'm not trying to be disrespectful -- I'm just trying to explain that I'm only posting what I have been told. I acknowledge that I don't have any personal experience here.

 

I'm not sure how this thread turned into an attack against the woman I know. I only mentioned her issue because Moxie asked about people who have lost the physical attraction toward their spouses, and it reminded me of this couple.

 

I'm still surprised that the wife is being vilified in this thread, as she has done all of the things people have said she should be doing. I'm not entirely sure why she is being viewed as a terrible person simply because she has lost physical interest in her dh and wishes she knew how to get that attraction back. If she had said she wanted to divorce him or cheat on him because of his weight, I would have felt entirely differently and could understand why people would say she was mean or shallow, but that's honestly not the case at all here.

[scoutingmom]

Here is the thing. Every person on here that has personally dealt with morbid obesity and super morbid obesity has said what it is like, what the difficulties are,and how hard it is to lose weight, and how impossible it is to lose permanently. And I would say that we are giving you the summary, light version, because exposing everything about it would be stupid considering the likely responses. We can extrapolate from our experience what the person being discussed likely truly feels, even if they would deny it.

 

And the responses we get for sharing ranges from being told that our experience doesn't count and that if people just ate less, or if we cared more.... all the way to being called whales.

 

And why? So we can talk about the husband of a friend? And it sounds like the response wanted was something like "oh, how horrible for that wife,it is all her husbands fault and she should do (who knows what?)"

 

 

 

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[Catwoman]

Here is the thing. Every person on here that has personally dealt with morbid obesity and super morbid obesity has said what it is like, what the difficulties are,and how hard it is to lose weight, and how impossible it is to lose permanently. And I would say that we are giving you the summary, light version, because exposing everything about it would be stupid considering the likely responses. We can extrapolate from our experience what the person being discussed likely truly feels, even if they would deny it.

 

And the responses we get for sharing ranges from being told that our experience doesn't count and that if people just ate less, or if we cared more.... all the way to being called whales.

 

And why? So we can talk about the husband of a friend? And it sounds like the response wanted was something like "oh, how horrible for that wife,it is all her husbands fault and she should do (who knows what?)"

 

I have never suggested that losing weight is easy. It's not easy to lose 20 pounds. I can't imagine how overwhelming it would feel to even think about trying to lose 200 pounds.

 

But seriously, in a situation like this, what is the wife supposed to do? She loves her husband but she has lost her feeling of sexual attraction to him. She is extremely worried about his health. He refuses to make any effort to change. She loves him and she isn't going to leave him, so I guess my question is should she be expected to just suck it up and deal with the fact that her dh is never going to even attempt to make some lifestyle changes, or does he have some level of responsibility to trying to do something to try to make his wife happy? (And that's not even mentioning whether or not he is responsible for his own health, because his current weight is nowhere near a healthy weight.)

 

I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm trying to understand what you think she should do.

[SeaConquest]

Cat, I feel an enormous duty to my family to do everything I can to remain healthy. That is the primary reason that I am undergoing bariatric surgery. I thought seriously about bariatric surgery 6 years ago -- met with a surgeon and everything. But, my husband and I both felt that I wasn't "sick" enough to risk it. And, of course, we thought that I'd give it another good old college try to lose weight on my own. Obviously, those efforts proved futile.

 

Based on my experience with numerous weight loss attempts, and as evidenced by the statistics, my husband and I have now come to agree with my doctor that it is very unlikely that I will lose substantial weight without surgery. While I don't have serious co-morbidities right now, if I do nothing, it is likely that I will. (I was dx with PCOS/insulin resistance in my 20s, had 2 gestational diabetes pregnancies, and have been pre-diabetic since my last child, with very little improvement in my A1C on two, very expensive, anti-diabetes meds). It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the trajectory of where my health is going, and I wouldn't wish diabetes on anyone. So, my husband and I now both feel that surgery is the right decision for our family.

 

So, while no one is perfect in their dietary/lifestyle choices, I agree with you that he has an obligation to his spouse (and kids?) to do his part to be healthy. And, I think that she has a responsibility to be supportive in those efforts. 

[Ausmumof3]

I have never suggested that losing weight is easy. It's not easy to lose 20 pounds. I can't imagine how overwhelming it would feel to even think about trying to lose 200 pounds.

 

But seriously, in a situation like this, what is the wife supposed to do? She loves her husband but she has lost her feeling of sexual attraction to him. She is extremely worried about his health. He refuses to make any effort to change. She loves him and she isn't going to leave him, so I guess my question is should she be expected to just suck it up and deal with the fact that her dh is never going to even attempt to make some lifestyle changes, or does he have some level of responsibility to trying to do something to try to make his wife happy? (And that's not even mentioning whether or not he is responsible for his own health, because his current weight is nowhere near a healthy weight.)

 

I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm trying to understand what you think she should do.

I think what's missing in transaction is that - it's not that losing and maintaining weight is not easy it's actually for some people impossible. For me every time I've consciously lost weight I've ended up gaining even more than I lost on a short time. The process of losing weight throws something off in my metabolism that makes me regain quickly and more. For me to intentionally lose weight at this point in life seems to actually be self sabotage. Science backs up that for many people this is the case. Whether or not this guy thinks he can easily lose weight and keep it off he probably can't. Dieting is probably actually physically harmful for him. Now I am willing to make what effort I can that doesn't have the harmful psychological side effect of making me feel extremely deprived because that is likely to lead to binge eating. I make sure I eat veges at my meals and I make sure I walk almost every day. When I have time I throw in yoga. I'm not morbidly obese. However any time I've consciously tried to lose weight by giving up sugar or chocolate I've ended up depressed and higher weight than I started out.

 

I'm certainly not vilifying your friend. If she's saying this sucks but this is how it is she's probably doing the best with a bad situation. I don't think she has to pretend to be desiring him either because that's likely to result in her feeling even more unattracted. I'm just hoping to increase understanding by those who haven't experienced this as to how it actually is for some people. Again. People get paid to do studies on this stuff and their studies mostly verify what I'm saying.

 

I will say as an aside that I think national cultural change is going to be important long term. When something like 30pc of people are obese there's an indication going on that something more than personal failing is the problem. We've managed to change culture about cigarettes and about alcohol and driving though the culture toward social drinking is still bad where I live. Neither of these things was done without a concerted approach at a legislative level around marketing etc. jobs that require sitting without a break for 8 or more hours a day are a problem. Placement of junk food in stores and tv ads is a problem. Changing some of these things can help.

[Catwoman]

I think what's missing in transaction is that - it's not that losing and maintaining weight is not easy it's actually for some people impossible. For me every time I've consciously lost weight I've ended up gaining even more than I lost on a short time. The process of losing weight throws something off in my metabolism that makes me regain quickly and more. For me to intentionally lose weight at this point in life seems to actually be self sabotage. Science backs up that for many people this is the case. Whether or not this guy thinks he can easily lose weight and keep it off he probably can't. Dieting is probably actually physically harmful for him. Now I am willing to make what effort I can that doesn't have the harmful psychological side effect of making me feel extremely deprived because that is likely to lead to binge eating. I make sure I eat veges at my meals and I make sure I walk almost every day. When I have time I throw in yoga. I'm not morbidly obese. However any time I've consciously tried to lose weight by giving up sugar or chocolate I've ended up depressed and higher weight than I started out.

 

I'm certainly not vilifying your friend. If she's saying this sucks but this is how it is she's probably doing the best with a bad situation. I don't think she has to pretend to be desiring him either because that's likely to result in her feeling even more unattracted. I'm just hoping to increase understanding by those who haven't experienced this as to how it actually is for some people. Again. People get paid to do studies on this stuff and their studies mostly verify what I'm saying.

 

I will say as an aside that I think national cultural change is going to be important long term. When something like 30pc of people are obese there's an indication going on that something more than personal failing is the problem. We've managed to change culture about cigarettes and about alcohol and driving though the culture toward social drinking is still bad where I live. Neither of these things was done without a concerted approach at a legislative level around marketing etc. jobs that require sitting without a break for 8 or more hours a day are a problem. Placement of junk food in stores and tv ads is a problem. Changing some of these things can help.

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate the information without the judgment.

[Ausmumof3]

Also for those interested in the science

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2866597/. This provides an overview

 

I've posted a couple of paragraphs below because it is a really long read and these are quite important, I think. There are also possible links between stigma and some of the health effects we associate with obesity that may actually be due to the psychological stress of the stigma and not to the obesity itself. Thus the emphasis on how very very carefully this issue has to be handled so as not to cause even more damage rather than helping the person.

 

"

Among overweight and obese adults, similar findings have emerged. In both clinical and nonclinical samples, adults who experience weight-based stigmatization engage in more frequent binge eating,96–99 are at increased risk for maladaptive eating patterns and eating disorder symptoms,90,100,101 and are more likely to have a diagnosis of binge eating disorder.99 Some research has found that psychological distress may mediate the association between stigma and binge eating, where experiences of stigma increase vulnerability to poor psychological functioning, which in turn increases risk of binge eating behaviors.97

 

Coping responses in reaction to weight stigma may also lead to unhealthy eating behaviors. In a study of more than 2400 overweight and obese women who belonged to a weight loss support organization, 79% reported coping with weight stigma on multiple occasions by eating more food, and 75% reported coping by refusing to diet.102 Similar research demonstrated that overweight and obese women who internalized negative weight stigma reported more frequent binge eating and refusal to diet compared with overweight or obese adults who did not internalize stigma.103 Research also shows that adults who experience weight stigma are more likely to avoid exercise, even after control for BMI and body dissatisfaction.104"

[kroe1]

You are not a nice person. That's the only way I can say that without getting kicked off this board. Calling another human being a whale is mean, pure and simple. Shame on you.

No, I would be mean if I did not call out my husband for massive weight gain. I would never enable a harmful behavior like gluttony no more than I would any other. And, trust me, I would do much more than name call to protect his health....and his appearance, for that matter. Sugar coating a problem such as letting oneself go, for any reason, would not be something he or I would ever do to each other.

 

If we do not look out for each other, who will?

[ktgrok]

Again, you are misrepresenting their situation, and you think you know how he feels, but I trust that his wife of many, many years knows him better than you do.

 

She is not shaming him or blaming him. His health is her major concern. The lack of physical attraction is secondary, but is still important to her.

 

She has done everything she can to support him. She has insisted that he see doctors. She has focused on the health aspects of the weight and not his appearance.

 

She can't force him to make healthier choices. I don't know why people seem to be making her the villain here.

 

If he had an alcohol addiction and refused treatment, many people would say she had every reason to be upset, and many would probably even suggest that she should leave him if he refused to stop drinking, but because it may be a food addiction, is she supposed to suck it up and deal with it for the rest of her life? At what point does this become his responsibility? I'm seeing nothing but blame being directed toward the wife, but at what point does any of this become his responsibility? His wife can't force him to lose weight, she can't force him to seek therapy, she can't force him to change his eating habits, she can't force him to exercise, and she can't force him to have bariatric surgery... so what is she supposed to do?

 

I think the blow back was because it was presented as if she just cared about the attraction issue. It would be like saying "my husband is an alcoholic and going to die of liver failure, but his yellowing skin is really unattractive to me." Like, um, that's not the real problem!

 

I don't know what she should do, other than marriage counseling to address the health issue. I'd chalk it up as self destructive behavior, and I DO think my spouse should try to do what it takes to live a long life and be healthy. But that would have nothing to do with attraction. 

 

Like, I don't think a spouse can or should put their foot down about something just dealing with attraction...like a beard or whatever. But I do think this falls into a different area and is a health issue and I'd be doing everything possible to get him to do something about the health aspect. There'd be serious talk, a lot of it, about that. 

 

Maybe she feels since he won't acknowledge the health aspect, maybe he would do something about the attraction part? I don't know. 

[ktgrok]

 

Anyway, this thread is about a lack of physical attraction in a marriage, and that was why I posted about this woman. She doesn't know how to get that feeling of attraction back.

 

I'd be not wanting to sleep with him because i'd be angry that he was so dismissive of my concerns for his health. I don't think she NEEDS to be attracted to him, if he's acting that way. 

 

 

[Zinnia]

But seriously, in a situation like this, what is the wife supposed to do? She loves her husband but she has lost her feeling of sexual attraction to him.

I guess the answer is for her to try to get the attraction back.

 

There are posters on here that claim that it's impossible to be sexually attracted to a 400 lb man. It's not. There are lots of women married to 400 lb men that find them sexual attractive. All those women are not faking it until you make it. Though that can be a good place to start. But it is possible, and it's worth striving for. The same way anyone gets back their sexual attraction for their husband.. small, deliberate steps towards that goal.

Edited October 26, 2017 by Zinnia

[ktgrok]

I have never suggested that losing weight is easy. It's not easy to lose 20 pounds. I can't imagine how overwhelming it would feel to even think about trying to lose 200 pounds.

 

But seriously, in a situation like this, what is the wife supposed to do? She loves her husband but she has lost her feeling of sexual attraction to him. She is extremely worried about his health. He refuses to make any effort to change. She loves him and she isn't going to leave him, so I guess my question is should she be expected to just suck it up and deal with the fact that her dh is never going to even attempt to make some lifestyle changes, or does he have some level of responsibility to trying to do something to try to make his wife happy? (And that's not even mentioning whether or not he is responsible for his own health, because his current weight is nowhere near a healthy weight.)

 

I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm trying to understand what you think she should do.

 

Yes, I think he does. But not to make himself more attractive, anymore than i have a responsibility to wear my hair the way my husband likes. But to keep himself healthy in order to be around, and keep her from the pain of losing him too early, yes, he does have a responsibility, if he loves her. 

 

And what freaking doctor does he go to that he thinks he is "healthy" at 400 pounds?? I'd be finding my hubby a new doctor, one that will give him some straight talk on the mortality rate of men his weight. 

[samba]

I believe marriage is bigger than myself.  It's foundational to society as the primary fabric in the social safety net.  As a Christian it's an earthly reflection of the relationship between Christ and The Church. If Jesus can love us in spite of our sin, which is repellent to his nature, surely I can overlook my spouse not meeting my personal preferences of attractiveness.  So I'm in the grow up; get over it category.  Yes, different people find different things attractive and they're allowed to, but on the list of important things in life, that doesn't even make the list.

 

I'm attracted to smart men.  My husband is a Mensa member but if he gets Alzheimer's or a head injury, I won't be complaining about it. Most people lose some brain capacity by 50 without it being considered a medical condition.  I'm an not into overweight or super skinny guys, but if that happens it won't allow it to bother me.  It may not be my preference, but it's certainly not anything I would allow myself to focus on.

 

I know we're in the post-Victorian age and in the west, but I think a lack of history education actually feeds this kind of thing.  Arranged marriage has serious problems, and I'm not advocating a return to it, but I do think its best point is that it doesn't feed the hyper-romanticized notions that bombard people today in romance novels, chick flicks, and relationship articles. Remember, I'm saying that as we stand in the wreckage of  the peak of divorce culture.  Modern day has the most romanticized notions humanity has ever seen.   No, romantic love (attraction + infatuation) is not necessary for a successful, fulfilling marriage.  It's a really nice perk that I hope everyone has, but frankly, it's not an adult view of the institution.  There's a very good reason "When I was a child I thought like a child....when I became a man I put away childish things" is right in the middle of the 1 Corinthians chapter on love, and the situation the OP describes is the kind of thing Paul was addressing.  Real love isn't about getting, it's about giving. Marriage is just bigger than me. (I do think there are legitimate reasons for divorce, so don't add those replies to all the replies I'm about to get about how some people here couldn't possibly function in a non-romantic marriage or how obesity is ultimately a moral issue.)

 

[samba]

I appreciate everything you said here. All of it. Thank you.  :iagree:

[Bluegoat]

 

 

I missed that bit!

 

But it doesn't really support that he tried to lose and had no success.  100lbs is actually pretty significant weight loss.

 

I'm not inclined to be judgey about that - people can decide for themselves if losing weight is worth it.  His wife's opinion maybe should carry some weight, but in the end it's up to the individual.

 

But none of that suggests that somehow he is mentally ill and unable to act, or that he just may not want to.

[ktgrok]

No, I would be mean if I did not call out my husband for massive weight gain. I would never enable a harmful behavior like gluttony no more than I would any other. And, trust me, I would do much more than name call to protect his health....and his appearance, for that matter. Sugar coating a problem such as letting oneself go, for any reason, would not be something he or I would ever do to each other.

 

If we do not look out for each other, who will?

 

No one said you can't have a serious talk with a spouse about their health. But shaming and name calling, calling obese people whales? That's horrid, and juvenile, and like I said, mean. 

 

I feel sorry for your children if that is how you speak to them. Do you call them names when they mess up? 

 

Do you realize how many obese people are reading this thread, that you just called whales?

 

Rude, uncalled for, and mean. 

[Bluegoat]

Yes he is. I still think I am a lot more likely to know what a 400lb person is likely to think about food, exercise, and weight loss than you. Could I be wrong? Sure. But every piece of information that has been given fits my theory and experience.

 

And what is the point of this discussion anyway? Was it a JAWM?

 

I am just not sure why you would think the personalities of people who are obese aren't as variable as the personalities of everyone else.  I find it actually quite odd.  People are very different about all kinds of things including how they think about health, their mortality, how they want to live.

 

It would be surprising if there was only one way 400lb people thought about their health.

 

The person most likely to have some insight into his particular personality is his wife.

 

 

 

[Catwoman]

Yes, I think he does. But not to make himself more attractive, anymore than i have a responsibility to wear my hair the way my husband likes. But to keep himself healthy in order to be around, and keep her from the pain of losing him too early, yes, he does have a responsibility, if he loves her.

 

And what freaking doctor does he go to that he thinks he is "healthy" at 400 pounds?? I'd be finding my hubby a new doctor, one that will give him some straight talk on the mortality rate of men his weight.

I didn't quote all of your posts, but I wanted to let you know I appreciate what you said.

 

I don't know exactly what the doctors have told him because I didn't feel like it was my business to ask for specifics, but his wife said she insisted he see a few different doctors and apparently they didn't find anything specifically wrong with him -- but I would have to assume that they told him he should lose weight. His wife has said he thinks he's invincible and that he says if he starts to have any health problems, he will deal with his weight when he has to. She is so worried that he will have a heart attack or a stroke or become diabetic -- between you and me, I think she's shocked that nothing terrible has happened to him yet. He's either my age or a year older than me, so he's around 55, and I understand why she's so worried.

 

I feel sorry for both of them. He's not a bad person and neither is she, and I know they love each other. I really think if he made any effort at all, it would make all the difference in the world to her.

[SeaConquest]

No, I would be mean if I did not call out my husband for massive weight gain. I would never enable a harmful behavior like gluttony no more than I would any other. And, trust me, I would do much more than name call to protect his health....and his appearance, for that matter. Sugar coating a problem such as letting oneself go, for any reason, would not be something he or I would ever do to each other.

 

If we do not look out for each other, who will?

For the bajillionth time, you can become obese without gluttony. Ever heard of medication side effects? Edited October 26, 2017 by SeaConquest

[creekland]

DH and I work hard to stay relatively attractive in our old age. We have not gone the plastic surgery route, but, we do exercise and watch our calories. We also wear clean, nice clothes, bathe regularly, and I wear makeup daily. We make sure we have fresh breath when around each other. Why do we make the effort after a gazillion years of marriage and our old age selfs? Because attraction is a powerful force, one we do not wish to lose. Men, especially, are visual creatures. I do not care what comes out of their mouths, what is in their minds is “va va va voomâ€.

 

I do not want to see a whale sitting on my couch munching down some chips. I would not be able to get that image out of my head. Likewise, DH would turn down the heat to subzero if I became the whale. Call us shallow? Whatever. It works for us. Va va va voom.

 

Shallow and super, super mean.  I'm glad I don't know you IRL.  I can only imagine all the judgments you make on those you see.  But I suppose that's ok, because others are judging you too - and not exactly in a good light.  ;)

 

Nah some people here just don't medicalize everything ..because they've had life experience that shows them that not literally everything that ever happens to human bodies, in which is housed the most highly evolved decision-making minds that we know about, that is less than ideal is a medical problem.

 

These would be the people who believe in science and the oodles of brain studies that have been going on for many years now.  It's actually a fun study - letting us know far, far more about us (humans) than we ever knew before.  It sure beats pretending all knowledge passed down through generations is true - things like mercury being a great cure for many ailments.

 

Anyone wanting a good video series introducing neuroscience types of studies, this is a good one:

 

http://www.pbs.org/show/brain-david-eagleman/

 

 

 

If he had an alcohol addiction and refused treatment, many people would say she had every reason to be upset, and many would probably even suggest that she should leave him if he refused to stop drinking, but because it may be a food addiction, is she supposed to suck it up and deal with it for the rest of her life? At what point does this become his responsibility? I'm seeing nothing but blame being directed toward the wife, but at what point does any of this become his responsibility? His wife can't force him to lose weight, she can't force him to seek therapy, she can't force him to change his eating habits, she can't force him to exercise, and she can't force him to have bariatric surgery... so what is she supposed to do?

 

But drinking brings it own set of problems that eating does not.  Oodles of problems.  Most don't recommend leaving someone for merely drinking, but for abuse that comes from it.  Is he hitting her or similar from his eating habit?  Then I'd recommend leaving.

 

And yes, if my guy ballooned to 400lbs, we'd discuss it from a health perspective, but there's no way I would love him less. I expect I'd still be attracted to him too.  I know folks who are married to very overweight guys and not one has been less attracted to their guy (my circles tend to have no boundaries in what we discuss).  She may not be the only one who would be (see other posts), but her lack of attraction isn't necessarily the norm either.  If she wants to be more attracted to him and he isn't likely to change, then she's the one who needs to see if she can do something about it.

 

No, I would be mean if I did not call out my husband for massive weight gain. I would never enable a harmful behavior like gluttony no more than I would any other. And, trust me, I would do much more than name call to protect his health....and his appearance, for that matter. Sugar coating a problem such as letting oneself go, for any reason, would not be something he or I would ever do to each other.

 

If we do not look out for each other, who will?

 

Oh we look out for each other.  We're just not at all mean about it.  And we have a big "live and let live" mentality rather than a "you must do what I think is right" mentality.  It sounds like the guys in question are quite happy with their lives and don't want to change.  Fine by me.  They know the risks and what it would take, etc.  They're allowed to make their choices - just like I can make mine.  I had Mt Dew again for lunch.  No regrets at all.

[8circles]

No, I would be mean if I did not call out my husband for massive weight gain. I would never enable a harmful behavior like gluttony no more than I would any other. And, trust me, I would do much more than name call to protect his health....and his appearance, for that matter. Sugar coating a problem such as letting oneself go, for any reason, would not be something he or I would ever do to each other.

 

If we do not look out for each other, who will?

 

I hope that your husband loves you enough to tell you how unkind you are. Seriously, I have a hard time believing you're for real with the way you talk about people. If he doesn't, he's enabling much more harmful behavior than gluttony.

[scoutingmom]

I have never suggested that losing weight is easy. It's not easy to lose 20 pounds. I can't imagine how overwhelming it would feel to even think about trying to lose 200 pounds.

 

But seriously, in a situation like this, what is the wife supposed to do? She loves her husband but she has lost her feeling of sexual attraction to him. She is extremely worried about his health. He refuses to make any effort to change. She loves him and she isn't going to leave him, so I guess my question is should she be expected to just suck it up and deal with the fact that her dh is never going to even attempt to make some lifestyle changes, or does he have some level of responsibility to trying to do something to try to make his wife happy? (And that's not even mentioning whether or not he is responsible for his own health, because his current weight is nowhere near a healthy weight.)

 

I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm trying to understand what you think she should do.

I think she should love him.

 

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[creekland]

No one said you can't have a serious talk with a spouse about their health. But shaming and name calling, calling obese people whales? That's horrid, and juvenile, and like I said, mean. 

 

I feel sorry for your children if that is how you speak to them. Do you call them names when they mess up? 

 

Do you realize how many obese people are reading this thread, that you just called whales?

 

Rude, uncalled for, and mean. 

 

Well, to be fair, names came to my mind reading her post too.  I suspect that happened to many of us reading her post.  And I'm nowhere near morbidly obese though I have extended family members who are.  I have FAR more respect for them (or anyone else in their position) than her.

Edited October 26, 2017 by creekland

[Catwoman]

I'm married to a big and tall man. I do believe, at least in many cases, there is an underlying reason for the poor eating habits. Stress is a major one. Depression is another one. Also proximity to food (speaking about myself with the last one, anyway).

 

You can be a foodie, but there may be an underlying reason that adds to the food consumption.

I agree. I would assume that the guy I know has some kind of issue, but I have no idea what it might be. His wife probably has some ideas about it, but I wouldn't know about it unless she volunteered the information, which she hasn't.

[creekland]

I hope that your husband loves you enough to tell you how unkind you are. Seriously, I have a hard time believing you're for real with the way you talk about people. If he doesn't, he's enabling much more harmful behavior than gluttony.

 

:iagree:  a gazillion times.  There are FAR worse vices than gluttony. 

[Catwoman]

I think she should love him.

 

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She does love him.

 

But that doesn't solve the physical attraction issue.

 

You can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them.

[Bluegoat]

I didn't quote all of your posts, but I wanted to let you know I appreciate what you said.

 

I don't know exactly what the doctors have told him because I didn't feel like it was my business to ask for specifics, but his wife said she insisted he see a few different doctors and apparently they didn't find anything specifically wrong with him -- but I would have to assume that they told him he should lose weight. His wife has said he thinks he's invincible and that he says if he starts to have any health problems, he will deal with his weight when he has to. She is so worried that he will have a heart attack or a stroke or become diabetic -- between you and me, I think she's shocked that nothing terrible has happened to him yet. He's either my age or a year older than me, so he's around 55, and I understand why she's so worried.

 

I feel sorry for both of them. He's not a bad person and neither is she, and I know they love each other. I really think if he made any effort at all, it would make all the difference in the world to her.

 

I don't think that attitude is especially unusual.  I feel like maybe it is more common in men? That's just an impression.

 

Kind of - I'm ok so far, so I'll continue to be ok, combined with not thinking about it too much.  If they gained over many years, the contrast wouldn't feel so extreme.  You see people take a very similar attitude with smoking, they just figure they are lucky, really they don't feel any different.  

 

When it changes, it seems like all of a sudden, something scares them.  

 

Even more than dropping dead, I'd be worried about some kind of long term debilitation.

[kiana]

I don't think that attitude is especially unusual.  I feel like maybe it is more common in men? That's just an impression.

 

Kind of - I'm ok so far, so I'll continue to be ok, combined with not thinking about it too much.  If they gained over many years, the contrast wouldn't feel so extreme.  You see people take a very similar attitude with smoking, they just figure they are lucky, really they don't feel any different.  

 

Definitely the attitude my mother has always had about smoking. Now, after her heart attack she's still smoking. 

[creekland]

Definitely the attitude my mother has always had about smoking. Now, after her heart attack she's still smoking. 

 

Addictions are super tough to overcome, but then again, that's brain study again so not going to be believed by all.  

 

(ps  I know you understand due to previous posts.  I'm just adding to the conversation.)

[Bluegoat]

Addictions are super tough to overcome, but then again, that's brain study again so not going to be believed by all.  

 

(ps  I know you understand due to previous posts.  I'm just adding to the conversation.)

 

It seems like you think that if someone thinks people can choose to pursue unhealthy addictions, they don't believe that the research on addictions is accurate.

 

That really isn't the case.  They aren't mutually exclusive things.

[creekland]

It seems like you think that if someone thinks people can choose to pursue unhealthy addictions, they don't believe that the research on addictions is accurate.

 

That really isn't the case.  They aren't mutually exclusive things.

 

People choose to start addictive behaviors for whatever reason (looks cool, feels good, curiosity, parents got them hooked, etc).  Some get addicted (not all).  Those who get addicted have a tough time kicking the addiction.  There are many addictions. That's brain science.

 

Tons of excess weight is not necessarily due to an addiction.  Often it's a different medical problem (from gut bacteria to metabolism to stress or depression issues).  But there are times when it IS due to some sort of food addiction.

 

In any event, losing more than 10% is tough for most folks.  It's even tougher for those who have lost it and regained.  That's all science.  Whether one chooses to attempt to lose it or not is up to them (though sometimes our choices are really brain issues and in our right mind or with different info we'd choose differently).  Some choose to try to lose (or quit) and find out they pretty much can't anyway.  That's incredibly discouraging, so can end up with the opposite effect.

 

Those who tend to reject science are those who are blaming it all on personal choice.  

[scrapbookbuzz]

Two people get married. They are attracted to each other. Years go by. Spouse A tries to stay in shape, Spouse B does not. More years go by. Spouse B is overweight. They are still in love and have a good marriage but Spouse A is not physically attracted to Spouse B. What should Spouse A do?

Spouse A should stop thinking about him/herself. A marriage is NOT about physical attraction but about agreeing to help each other and be partners in a lifelong union and friendship. People often gain weight as they age. So what? TRUE love is not a feeling and it is not conditional.

[Bluegoat]

People choose to start addictive behaviors for whatever reason (looks cool, feels good, curiosity, parents got them hooked, etc).  Some get addicted (not all).  Those who get addicted have a tough time kicking the addiction.  There are many addictions. That's brain science.

 

Tons of excess weight is not necessarily due to an addiction.  Often it's a different medical problem (from gut bacteria to metabolism to stress or depression issues).  But there are times when it IS due to some sort of food addiction.

 

In any event, losing more than 10% is tough for most folks.  It's even tougher for those who have lost it and regained.  That's all science.  Whether one chooses to attempt to lose it or not is up to them (though sometimes our choices are really brain issues and in our right mind or with different info we'd choose differently).  Some choose to try to lose (or quit) and find out they pretty much can't anyway.  That's incredibly discouraging, so can end up with the opposite effect.

 

Those who tend to reject science are those who are blaming it all on personal choice.  

 

Ah, I see what you are getting at.

 

Yeah, food addiction sounds like it's part of this situation, to me.

[Word Nerd]

I think she should love him.

 

She does. That isn’t the problem.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Word Nerd

[Word Nerd]

Spouse A should stop thinking about him/herself. A marriage is NOT about physical attraction but about agreeing to help each other and be partners in a lifelong union and friendship. People often gain weight as they age. So what? TRUE love is not a feeling and it is not conditional.

Again, love is not the issue. Physical attraction is.

[scoutingmom]

She does. That isn’t the problem.

I was asked what she should do. That is the answer. The fact that she is already doing that doesn't change the answer

[emmaluv+2more]

DH and I work hard to stay relatively attractive in our old age. We have not gone the plastic surgery route, but, we do exercise and watch our calories. We also wear clean, nice clothes, bathe regularly, and I wear makeup daily. We make sure we have fresh breath when around each other. Why do we make the effort after a gazillion years of marriage and our old age selfs? Because attraction is a powerful force, one we do not wish to lose. Men, especially, are visual creatures. I do not care what comes out of their mouths, what is in their minds is “va va va voomâ€.

 

I do not want to see a whale sitting on my couch munching down some chips. I would not be able to get that image out of my head. Likewise, DH would turn down the heat to subzero if I became the whale. Call us shallow? Whatever. It works for us. Va va va voom.

 

 

I can't say what I'd like to say without stooping to your level (and getting kicked off of these boards).  But I will say that this is not the first time I've thought it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

People choose to start addictive behaviors for whatever reason (looks cool, feels good, curiosity, parents got them hooked, etc). Some get addicted (not all). Those who get addicted have a tough time kicking the addiction. There are many addictions. That's brain science.

 

Tons of excess weight is not necessarily due to an addiction. Often it's a different medical problem (from gut bacteria to metabolism to stress or depression issues). But there are times when it IS due to some sort of food addiction.

 

In any event, losing more than 10% is tough for most folks. It's even tougher for those who have lost it and regained. That's all science. Whether one chooses to attempt to lose it or not is up to them (though sometimes our choices are really brain issues and in our right mind or with different info we'd choose differently). Some choose to try to lose (or quit) and find out they pretty much can't anyway. That's incredibly discouraging, so can end up with the opposite effect.

 

Those who tend to reject science are those who are blaming it all on personal choice.

Definitely true

 

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