Helicopter moms: how much is too much?

[sagira]

A spin-off of another thread. What do you consider to be too much involvement on the part of a mother with her children? Especially homeschooling mothers? I'm just curious.

 

I remember one instance when I was in elementary public school that the teachers sighed and got tense as soon as this boy's mom came in during classes and talked at length about her son. This happened often. She advocated for him even when he was in the wrong and had to deal with a lot of issues. Is she a helicopter mom?

 

How much is too much? And who decides that? :bigear:

[Parrothead]

To me a helicopter mom is one that doesn't let her children grow up and become independent people. The ones that end up calling their adult child's boss because the adult child got reprimanded at work.

 

There are stages of independence that a helicopter mom refuses to recognize and insists on doing everything for the child.

[Nicole M]

I had only heard this term used in the college setting, where I work, and it isn't only the moms. We talk here about Helicopter Parents. Dads can be just as bad. One prof gave the example of a dad who would ask for all his daughter's assignments, do the reading and write a paper, not for her, but alongside her. But her work was never truly her own, because dad was a constant presence, a constant influence. Finally the prof had to step in and ask the dad to back off. This is an extreme example.

 

I think the idea is that these parents never allow their children to experience the consequences of their behavior, and they (the parents) are a constant presence during times in a child's life when the parent needs to back off, for the good of all.

 

I'm hearing the term used more and more, though, to describe parents of younger children, too. I think a certain amount of hovering is appropriate at younger ages, actually, so I would simply call those parents over-protective, or over-involved.

 

On my oldest son's first day of Kindergarten, the children were playing outside, and then the bell rang and they all lined up to go into the classroom. There was a little girl in line whose mother started to follow the line in. This little girl turned on her mother, held up her hand to stop her and said: "Get a life, Mom!" Now, this is incredibly rude, yes. But the fact is, this girl had her mom's number. Some children will stand up for their own boundaries at a very early age, and this one did. So whether the hovering damages a child or not depends on a lot on the individuals, I think.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Helicopter parents are the ones who are afraid of the big bad world, who are afraid to let their children fail or make mistakes. They try to control every aspect of the child's life. The kids don't know what it's like to play without direct adult supervision and a snack. Helicopter moms often have a "vision" of what they think the child and/or the child's life should be like and exert control in an attempt to make that vision a reality. They are often very fearful of normal, everyday activities and can sometimes be germaphobes.

 

I would consider the mom described in the OP as a helicopter parent.

 

How much is too much? When the child does not have the opportunity to develop his own identity, separate from that of the parent. When the child has few friends because the parent is finding something "wrong" with most of the neighborhood kids. When the child does not have freedom to be in situations without the parent and not controlled by the parent. When the child is taught not to listen to other adults and authority figures, only to the parent. Sometimes this goes as far as moms who override Dad's input.

[KAR120C]

I think the key is not letting kids experience the consequences of their behavior. And I think the reason it can be a tricky thing is that there are situations when of course some level of protectiveness is completely appropriate -- you would never let anyone (even a grownup) experience the consequences of stepping in front of a bus.

 

But you have to be able to judge for the particular kid and the particular situation, just how much protection is warranted and how much suffering the consequences is going to be a valuable lesson. And that's going to be a moving target...

 

I think homeschooling parents sometimes get an undeserved reputation for helicoptering because we generally are "always there"... which can look like being overinvolved and protective... but on the other hand I think there might be a real tendency to helicopter too. Not because we really are overprotective, but because our kids' success reflects on us. When it feels like people are judging you as the teacher, it's easy to fall into wanting your kids to "show well".

[K&Rs Mom]

Helicopter parents are the ones who are afraid of the big bad world, who are afraid to let their children fail or make mistakes.

 

:iagree: and it can be a fine line sometimes. I've heard the opposite called a "consultant" parent - where you're available to the child as needed, but not intruding when you're not.

 

In the OP, what seemed to me to cross the line was the mom intervening even when the child was in the wrong. To stand up for dc is good (assuming they've already tried on their own), but only if there is something to stand up FOR.

[milovany]

For me "helicopter mom" (or "helicopter parent") also plays out with just letting our kids be out of our sight without freaking out wondering if they're okay. Did you hear about the mom in New York whose nine year old son asked her to drop him off in the city so that he could make his way home on his own (Subway, bus and all)? She did it and wrote about the experience in the newspaper she freelances for -- and boy did she catch heck! And yet, many other "free range" parents came out of the woodwork patting her on the back as well. That's what I aspire to be, a "free range parent". Safety, of course, but not fear and trembling at the big, bad world.

 

Since putting thought into this, I've been much more relaxed about our kids being outside on their own without me helicoptering. When I was a kid we used to walk to and play at the elementary school three blocks away -- and sometimes the one a mile away; we'd go on our bikes -- and yet I've had a hard time letting our kids be in the front yard on their own. Now I let them walk places and play places where they're out of my ear shot -- and I don't make them always have my cell phone with them. It's important to me, now, to help our kids be confident in their abilities as they've grown.

 

ETA: I just read the most recent entry at the above-linked website ("free range kids") and love it; it's concerning halloween candy. Check it out!

Edited October 30, 2008 by milovaný

[OnTheBrink]

The most extreme example of Helicopter parenting I've ever seen was a single mother who used to attend my church. My first clue that something was weird about the mother/daughter relationship was when the mother said her daughter (who was maybe 8 at the time) was her best friend, her constant companion, a gift from God to replace the loss of her exhusband (divorce, not death).

 

What really sent the point home was in VBS. The mother literally followed the child from room to room, sitting with her, playing with her hair, doing the crafts for her, staying after craft time to finish the craft for her. The child kept telling her mother to go home; she was fine. The mother insisted she needed to be there. The VBS helpers tried to kindly encourage her to get some coffee and visit with the cookie ladies in the kitchen or something--anything-- to let this child enjoy VBS. The mother would have nothing of it. Her dd "needed" her and by crackie, she was going to be there.

 

I once wondered what the mother was going to do when her dd got married and went on her honeymoon. :eek:

[Guest janainaz]

Helicopter parents are the ones who are afraid of the big bad world, who are afraid to let their children fail or make mistakes. They try to control every aspect of the child's life. The kids don't know what it's like to play without direct adult supervision and a snack. Helicopter moms often have a "vision" of what they think the child and/or the child's life should be like and exert control in an attempt to make that vision a reality. They are often very fearful of normal, everyday activities and can sometimes be germaphobes.

 

I would consider the mom described in the OP as a helicopter parent.

 

How much is too much? When the child does not have the opportunity to develop his own identity, separate from that of the parent. When the child has few friends because the parent is finding something "wrong" with most of the neighborhood kids. When the child does not have freedom to be in situations without the parent and not controlled by the parent. When the child is taught not to listen to other adults and authority figures, only to the parent. Sometimes this goes as far as moms who override Dad's input.

 

 

I consider myself to be a "helicopter parent" in the sense that I want to know where my kids are and who they are hanging out with, who the parents are of the kids they are friends with and so on. I want my kids to grow up and to be independent, but when they are YOUNG it will be over the careful watch of me. I don't allow my son who is almost 9 to ride his bike around the neighorhood. If he meets a kid in the neighborhood, I have to really get to know the parents before he will enter their home unsupervised. I am confident in my son hanging out with another kid without me - my concern is for him to be around safe and responsible adults and that takes time to discern. I am very distrusting of people in general and even moreso over my kids. They are guilty until proven innocent. I call it being a responsible parent. When kids are young, they need to have an adult around while playing, but I am curious to know at what age you feel is appropriate to "unleash" them to the world.

 

I do not look at the world like it is a terrible place, but it is my job to protect my kids and it is my job to responsibily assess the kids and parents of who they are around. Often I like the parents right off the bat and as I get to know them I find that I am not comfortable with them taking my son and being responsible to look after him. As my sons get older they will get more freedom. I think it is a dangerous thing to raise your kids in a bubble and keep them under lock-and-key. I have watched what it does to overprotect and to constantly say "no" to outside activities. Parents who do this can almost guarantee that their kids will rebel. But.........while they are young, there is a balance there.

 

Some of your comments - I'm curious as to what age you are referring?

[Karen in CO]

I have seen the parents on the playground. They are the ones hovering behind their kids while they are climbing, "Don't climb so high, you'll get hurt. Let me climb up there first and help you up." They don't let their kids swing high or climb the monkey bars and are constantly their telling their kids what will go wrong with everything they do before they do it and are afraid to tell the little dears play and have fun. They help the kids dig in the dirt so that they don't get dirty and they help them build their sand castles so that the walls will be straight and not fall over.

[Jean in Newcastle]

A lot of it depends on the maturity and capability of the child. I have to laugh because I've been accused of being a neglectful mom (because I allow my kids quite a bit of freedom) and of being a helicopter mom (because I do check in on them and am there when they need me) - sometimes by the same people! I trust my kids on a lot of things. I trust my 11 year old and my 6 year old to be able to play in our unfenced front yard without my immediate supervision - because they've demonstrated to me that they will not run out into the street and that they will run away from the curb if a stranger stops their car to talk to them. Is there still some risk involved? Yes. But I consider it managed risk and will allow it for the sake of my kids learning to play without me constantly there.

[Debbie in OR]

As far as schooling is concerned, we use the "Don't do anything for them that they can do themselves" philosophy. If I know my kids have been through material before and it's just a matter of them working harder to find it and review it or whatever, I don't help them. If it's new material or material that we have been struggling with, I help them. If that means my ds9 sits all day to do his Latin because he CAN do it but just wants me to point it all out to him or show him in his Latin book where to find it so he can "remember", then he will sit there all day. Same with all other subjects and it does carry over into life...I won't butter their toast or sit beside him on the piano bench if it's easy stuff or help him with the trash, etc..if I know they CAN do it.

 

I see our goal as bringing them into maturity and completeness, not necessarily happiness. However, to train them up into maturity and completeness, I believe, will bring them happiness as adults. It does not work the other way around: if I am determined to make their childhood "happy" at the exclusion of their maturity, they will not grow into mature and complete individuals. Or be happy. Just my 2 cents.

[lovemyboys]

To me a helicopter mom is one that doesn't let her children grow up and become independent people. The ones that end up calling their adult child's boss because the adult child got reprimanded at work.

 

There are stages of independence that a helicopter mom refuses to recognize and insists on doing everything for the child.

 

Have you seen the book called "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch? It's about the mother who puts a ladder outside her grown son's house so she can crawl in the window and curl up with him. That book really creeped me out.

 

I do think that as homeschool parents we have to be careful of this because dc are always with us. It's especially hard in this culture of organized everything for dc, children are always under someone's supervision and direction. We have to make a conscious effort sometimes to just let them be. But it's funny, I've been scolded for letting ds go ahead in the next grocery aisle when he was younger....ack...where's the apron string? (Not to make light of things that have happened in stores, btw, but we're talking a relatively empty store in mid-day.)

 

Also, it doesn't help that we have 24 hour news coverage of every bad thing that happens anywhere in the world. Bad things aren't necessarily happening any more frequently, but we're so much more aware of them now.

 

Helicopter parenting is a lot more prevalent now, from the schools to the sports fields, so it's certainly not just a homeschooling issue.

[Nicole M]

The most extreme example of Helicopter parenting I've ever seen was a single mother who used to attend my church. My first clue that something was weird about the mother/daughter relationship was when the mother said her daughter (who was maybe 8 at the time) was her best friend, her constant companion, a gift from God to replace the loss of her exhusband (divorce, not death).

 

What really sent the point home was in VBS. The mother literally followed the child from room to room, sitting with her, playing with her hair, doing the crafts for her, staying after craft time to finish the craft for her. The child kept telling her mother to go home; she was fine. The mother insisted she needed to be there. The VBS helpers tried to kindly encourage her to get some coffee and visit with the cookie ladies in the kitchen or something--anything-- to let this child enjoy VBS. The mother would have nothing of it. Her dd "needed" her and by crackie, she was going to be there.

 

I once wondered what the mother was going to do when her dd got married and went on her honeymoon. :eek:

 

I'm not a mental health care professional, nor do I play one on TV, but this seems to me to be crossing a line into something certifiably wrong. I know women who are "fused" to their children in a very unhealthy way, and this sounds like a supreme example that takes a step or two beyond helicopter parenting. Maybe the distinction for me is that helicopter parenting is habit based or defined by patterns of behavior. What you've described here is an emotional bond that is inappropriate.

 

But I could be totally wrong!

[milovany]

Bad things aren't necessarily happening any more frequently, but we're so much more aware of them now.

 

You're right; in fact stranger abduction is *lower* now than when we were kids (early 70s). It's just the constant visual barrage of stories now via the internet and 24 hour news stations that makes it seem worse.

[LG Gone Wild]

but I am recovering. I must say that my form of helicoptering (gee, is that word?) wasn't to baby my kids but to correct their behaviour, endlessly. Admittedly, it was also to make sure no harm (like child snatching, yes, I am paranoid) came to my kids.

 

I have 3 kids now and I think that I have run out of energy to be that much of a helicopter mom. I do let my kids take physical risks such as doing whatever they want on a playground as long as it isn't harmful to another child and isn't totally insane. I let my kids do their activities now without interfering in them. This was a huge step for me. Before everybody knew my ds's name because I was constantly correcting him during his class. Well, ds is highly hyperactive and annoying so I was trying to get him to stop screwing around. Anyway, now, I just drop him off at the curb and chill out in my car. The biggest step yet was letting him go to 3 day boy scout camp without dh or I to monitor him.

 

Perhaps there are two types of helicopter moms, overbearing (moi) and the babying type (my neighbor).

[Joanne]

A spin-off of another thread. What do you consider to be too much involvement on the part of a mother with her children? Especially homeschooling mothers? I'm just curious.

 

I've seen helicopter parents of all types: Christian, non Christian, public schooled, private schooled, homeschooled, stay at home parent, work outside the home parent.

 

Since you asked specifically about the homeschooling mothers, I *do* observe a higher percentage of helicopter parents in the homeschooling community (and I also saw it in the attachment parenting community).

 

On this very board (and many like it), I've seen it become a competition.

 

"I have 5 kids and have never used a sitter"

 

"I never use the church nursery"

 

"I never let my kids play out front without me"

 

"We worship as a family"

 

And, my favorite (not) " You can't be too protective".

 

Um, yes, you CAN.

 

I don't think the choice to homeschool = overprotection or hovering. But I do think it speaks to a greater likelihood.

 

Hover parenting in the early years:

Constant direction on play. Hypersensitivity to wards other children and perceived issues with play. "Scripted" play such as "never climb up the slide (even though no one is coming down or waiting), never swing on your belly instead sit on your bottom. Hyper vigilance about germs, handwashing, getting dirty. Hypervigilence about food, snacks, "junk". Rare use of care settings: sitters, daycare, preschool, classes, nurseries.

 

Hover parenting as they approach and are into school years:Over-concern about going to another home, sleepovers (even well screened and selective), birthday parties, certain play settings (skateboarding, trampoline, etc), not letting a child go in a group to nearby park, play out front.

 

Hover parenting in the teen years:

Continued heavy censoring of music, movies, media. Imposed courtship (rather than the desire expressed by the child), delayed drivers' license, severely limited group/youth/youth group activities, heavy restrictions on clothes, hair, jewelry.

Edited October 30, 2008 by Joanne

[LG Gone Wild]

 

On this very board (and many like it), I've seen it become a competition.

 

"I have 5 kids and have never used a sitter"

 

"I never use the church nursery"

 

"I never let my kids play out front without me"

 

"We worship as a family"

 

And, my favorite (not) " You can't be too protective".

 

Um, yes, you CAN.

 

I don't think the choice to homeschool = overprotection or hovering. But I do think it speaks to a greater likelihood.

 

Hover parenting in the early years:

Constant direction on play. Hypersensitivity to wards other children and perceived issues with play. "Scripted" play such as "never climb up the slide (even though no one is coming down or waiting), never swing on your belly instead sit on your bottom. Hyper vigilance about germs, handwashing, getting dirty. Hypervigilence about food, snacks, "junk". Rare use of care settings: sitters, daycare, preschool, classes, nurseries.

 

Hover parenting as they approach and are into school years:Over-concern about going to another home, sleepovers (even well screened and selective), birthday parties, certain play settings (skateboarding, trampoline, etc), not letting a child go in a group to nearby park, play out front.

 

Hover parenting in the teen years:

Continued heavy censoring of music, movies, media. Imposed courtship (rather than the desire expressed by the child), delayed drivers' license, severely limited group/youth/youth group activities, heavy restrictions on clothes, hair, jewelry.

 

 

Excepting 2 or 3 thing listed, the others don't strike me as indicators of hovering. A lot of your examples sound like good parenting.

 

What's wrong with worshipping as a family?

What's wrong with never having used a sitter?

What's wrong with not using the church nursery?

What's wrong with monitoring you kids while they play out front?

What's wrong with heavily censoring music as a great deal of it is racist, anti-social and misogynistic. I guess that goes for a lot of movies as well.

What's wrong with delaying drivers' license as it seems that teens are more accident prone? (I am on the fence with this one)

Clothing styles today could use quite a bit of editing.

 

ETA: A lot of the points are not choices I have made such as never using a sitter or scripted play or worshipping as a family. My kids aren't at driving age or at point where clothing and music choice could become dodgy. It just wouldn't occur to me that a person making those choices was hovering.

Edited October 30, 2008 by LG Gone Wild

[Parrothead]

 

Some of your comments - I'm curious as to what age you are referring?

I let dd and her little neighbor friend (with friend's mom's consent) play outside all alone in the sand pit in front of the apartment we lived in by themselves when they were both 3. We were living in AZ at the time and I'd sit in the dining room with the sewing machine and had the door open "just in case." They would play in the sand all day. When the sprinkle system came on they'd get wet. The Christmas they both got bikes they'd ride around the apartments. They did have to be where either I or friend's mom could see them, but other than that they were on their own.

 

Fast forward 6 years and dd just went out side to play in the snow with the neighbor boy. I can't hear or see them but I'm only mildly concerned. That concern is more for the possibility of getting injured while playing - snowball to the head - than anything else.

[Nicole M]

Excepting 2 or 3 thing listed, the others don't strike me as indicators of hovering. A lot of your examples sound like good parenting.

 

What's wrong with worshipping as a family?

What's wrong with never having used a sitter?

What's wrong with not using the church nursery?

What's wrong with monitoring you kids while they play out front?

What's wrong with heavily censoring music as a great deal of it is racist, anti-social and misogynistic. I guess that goes for a lot of movies as well.

What's wrong with delaying drivers' license as it seems that teens are more accident prone? (I am on the fence with this one)

Clothing styles today could use quite a bit of editing.

 

ETA: A lot of the points are not choices I have made such as never using a sitter or scripted play or worshipping as a family. My kids aren't at driving age or at point where clothing and music choice could become dodgy. It just wouldn't occur to me that a person making those choices was hovering.

 

I'm not Joanne, but I'm guessing that these are examples of what might be indicators of hovering parenting. My own son will be late getting a driver's license for purely financial reasons. We could afford to send him to Europe with his choir OR put him through driver's ed and put him on our insurance but not both. So he'll be driving at 17 1/2 instead of 16. He's uber-responsible and will be a fabulous driver. And yes, people assume we're being over-protective when they learn he's not driving yet, but who cares? It's none of their business.

 

But these choices could, also, in point of fact be indicators of over-protection, especially if parents are making all these choices together, to drastically limit a child's exposure to other adults.

 

Again, though, I'm guessing.

[Joanne]

What's wrong with worshipping as a family?

 

Noting in and of itself. I almost always have. It's when "we worship" as a family becomes an idol and when it's because of mistrust, fear or as a symptom of hover parenting.

 

What's wrong with never having used a sitter?

 

Honestly, I think most cases of "never having used a sitter" come from situations in which Mom (usually) does not have or develop an identity beyond "wife, mother". I didn't separate from my nursing babies; I would make that same choice if I got pregnant again. But I personally think that never using a sitter (hired, grandparent, bartered, whatever) is usually an example of extremism.

 

What's wrong with not using the church nursery?

 

Again, nothing in and of itself. It's intent behind it.

 

What's wrong with monitoring you kids while they play out front?

 

Nothing when they are 3, 4, 5ish. But when the rest of the kids are intermittently checked on, playing in an average neighborhood?

 

What's wrong with heavily censoring music as a great deal of it is racist, anti-social and misogynistic. I guess that goes for a lot of movies as well.

 

Censoring for those reasons doesn't fit *my* definition of "heavy censorship". ;)

 

What's wrong with delaying drivers' license as it seems that teens are more accident prone? (I am on the fence with this one)

 

In the cases I've seen and heard about, it's been hover parenting, not prudence.

 

 

Clothing styles today could use quite a bit of editing.

 

I'm not a fan of many of today's looks, either. But I believe heavy handed, scripted rules on teens around clothes and hair usually invite more negatives than they prevent.

[sagira]

The most extreme example of Helicopter parenting I've ever seen was a single mother who used to attend my church. My first clue that something was weird about the mother/daughter relationship was when the mother said her daughter (who was maybe 8 at the time) was her best friend, her constant companion, a gift from God to replace the loss of her exhusband (divorce, not death).

 

What really sent the point home was in VBS. The mother literally followed the child from room to room, sitting with her, playing with her hair, doing the crafts for her, staying after craft time to finish the craft for her. The child kept telling her mother to go home; she was fine. The mother insisted she needed to be there. The VBS helpers tried to kindly encourage her to get some coffee and visit with the cookie ladies in the kitchen or something--anything-- to let this child enjoy VBS. The mother would have nothing of it. Her dd "needed" her and by crackie, she was going to be there.

 

I once wondered what the mother was going to do when her dd got married and went on her honeymoon. :eek:

 

Wow. I'm speechless :blink:

[bettyandbob]

Helicopter parents do not allow their children to grow up and be responsible for themselves.

 

They do not allow their children to move toward independence at appropriate ages (My neighbor planned to drive her dd to school everyday through high school--we live walking distance to the elementary, middle and high school. When her dd was in 9th grade, I asked her if she was going to live at her dd's choice of university and drive her to each class. My neighbor's situation has changed, but now she has a dd with severe depression and serious opposition.)

 

Helicopter parents get overly involved in what they think their child deserves and don't teach/expect/encourage self advocacy by the child. So, parents go into to school constantly and fight with teachers and coaches about grades and position on teams. They also argue that every social slight is bullying or some other thing that is not fair to their child. (In first grade my dd was in private school. There was a parent who daily came in to argue with the teacher and school head about social issues in the classroom. It was, her dd in fact, who was causing the social problems. Everything improved when her dd withdrew from the school.) Children need to learn to stick up for themselves on the playground. They need to learn how to ask teachers what they need to do to improve their or team placement.

 

I liked Joanne's post. All those things she listed are indicators of possible helicopter parents.

 

I have one caution, in the case of children with special needs, parents need to be more involved at later ages. My oldest child has some learning disabilities that affect him socially, I try very hard to be discrete in my hovering. He also is extremely disorganized, as a result his high school teachers have gotten to know me through email. My email contact with teachers has ranged 1 to 9 times this quarter depending on the teacher. I don't ask for extra credit--mostly I verify due dates. My son stays after on his own and asks for extra credit and extra help. The one thing I need to get him to do is call me when he's going to be real late. He's been after getting help for up to 4 hours, with out me knowing. I just told him when he got home to try to remember to text me when that happens.

[sagira]

I've seen helicopter parents of all types: Christian, non Christian, public schooled, private schooled, homeschooled, stay at home parent, work outside the home parent.

 

Since you asked specifically about the homeschooling mothers, I *do* observe a higher percentage of helicopter parents in the homeschooling community (and I also saw it in the attachment parenting community).

 

On this very board (and many like it), I've seen it become a competition.

 

"I have 5 kids and have never used a sitter"

 

"I never use the church nursery"

 

"I never let my kids play out front without me"

 

"We worship as a family"

 

And, my favorite (not) " You can't be too protective".

 

Um, yes, you CAN.

 

I don't think the choice to homeschool = overprotection or hovering. But I do think it speaks to a greater likelihood.

 

Hover parenting in the early years:

Constant direction on play. Hypersensitivity to wards other children and perceived issues with play. "Scripted" play such as "never climb up the slide (even though no one is coming down or waiting), never swing on your belly instead sit on your bottom. Hyper vigilance about germs, handwashing, getting dirty. Hypervigilence about food, snacks, "junk". Rare use of care settings: sitters, daycare, preschool, classes, nurseries.

 

Hover parenting as they approach and are into school years:Over-concern about going to another home, sleepovers (even well screened and selective), birthday parties, certain play settings (skateboarding, trampoline, etc), not letting a child go in a group to nearby park, play out front.

 

Hover parenting in the teen years:

Continued heavy censoring of music, movies, media. Imposed courtship (rather than the desire expressed by the child), delayed drivers' license, severely limited group/youth/youth group activities, heavy restrictions on clothes, hair, jewelry.

 

Thank you for sharing. I can see where that can be hovering. However, some of them are borderline of a "close knit family" and caring.

 

We are pretty protective about safety issues, but not about things like play. We are pretty free on many things, but you won't catch me letting ds go to camp by himself (I'm talking night, not day camp), and he's five. I just don't trust people too quickly.

 

My mom told me of two near-misses of sexual molestation that she's experienced as a child, both times she was saved by her "protective" mother. Some lessons one never forgets. In my neighborhood church about ten years ago the priest was accused of abusing some kids. I know two girls who were raped, one was a classmate, one is a friend. A relative's brother was sexually abused while he was in his backyard. He never quite recovered from that experience. He was ten years old.

 

So.. there's a fine line I guess. I do agree that a helicopter parent can be stifling, and I'm determined not to do that. I believe dh and I leave dc for long periods of time without structure. We believe in preserving their childhood and vast periods of time for dreaming and thinking.

 

We've only occasionally used our extended family (grandparents) as sitters for a maximum of a few hours.

[LG Gone Wild]

Noting in and of itself. I almost always have. It's when "we worship" as a family becomes an idol and when it's because of mistrust, fear or as a symptom of hover parenting.

 

 

 

Honestly, I think most cases of "never having used a sitter" come from situations in which Mom (usually) does not have or develop an identity beyond "wife, mother". I didn't separate from my nursing babies; I would make that same choice if I got pregnant again. But I personally think that never using a sitter (hired, grandparent, bartered, whatever) is usually an example of extremism.

 

 

 

Again, nothing in and of itself. It's intent behind it.

 

 

 

Nothing when they are 3, 4, 5ish. But when the rest of the kids are intermittently checked on, playing in an average neighborhood?

 

 

 

Censoring for those reasons doesn't fit *my* definition of "heavy censorship". ;)

 

 

 

In the cases I've seen and heard about, it's been hover parenting, not prudence.

 

 

 

 

I'm not a fan of many of today's looks, either. But I believe heavy handed, scripted rules on teens around clothes and hair usually invite more negatives than they prevent.

 

Fair enough. I get most of your view point. Would you view the Duggars as a hovering family for them seem to fit your descriptions? It never occured to me that their methods were hovering. Then again, I don't view arranged marriages and strict ideas on modesty hovering either.

 

Hovering is like that woman who is doing the VBS with her dd or like my neighbor who carries her 50lb toddler so his bare feet won't get dirty. YMMV

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I consider myself to be a "helicopter parent" in the sense that I want to know where my kids are and who they are hanging out with, who the parents are of the kids they are friends with and so on. I want my kids to grow up and to be independent, but when they are YOUNG it will be over the careful watch of me. I don't allow my son who is almost 9 to ride his bike around the neighorhood. If he meets a kid in the neighborhood, I have to really get to know the parents before he will enter their home unsupervised. I am confident in my son hanging out with another kid without me - my concern is for him to be around safe and responsible adults and that takes time to discern. I am very distrusting of people in general and even moreso over my kids. They are guilty until proven innocent. I call it being a responsible parent. When kids are young, they need to have an adult around while playing, but I am curious to know at what age you feel is appropriate to "unleash" them to the world.

 

I do not look at the world like it is a terrible place, but it is my job to protect my kids and it is my job to responsibily assess the kids and parents of who they are around. Often I like the parents right off the bat and as I get to know them I find that I am not comfortable with them taking my son and being responsible to look after him. As my sons get older they will get more freedom. I think it is a dangerous thing to raise your kids in a bubble and keep them under lock-and-key. I have watched what it does to overprotect and to constantly say "no" to outside activities. Parents who do this can almost guarantee that their kids will rebel. But.........while they are young, there is a balance there.

 

Some of your comments - I'm curious as to what age you are referring?

 

 

Well- to put it this way- yes I want to know where my 7yo is and who she is with. I send her out into the neighborhood, but the rule is she has to stay outside so she can hear me call her. If she wants to go into another kid's house, she needs to tell me where she is and I will tell her what time to be home. I would want to meet the parent if it was a new family- just to make sure there is an adult there and that adult is okay with my dd being over, and to get a phone number. But, just because I may not like the parents or the parenting style, I don't prevent a friendship. If my dd goes to another kid's house and does something stupid, I don't blame the kid's parents. My dd knows how to act. With freedom comes responsibility. If she needs other people's parents to make sure she acts appropriately, I need to do some work here at home.

 

There are some kids she hangs around who I really don't like. I mean- I REALLY don't like. When she got her Nintendo DS, one of the neighbor boys was over here every day. I knew he was using dd for her video game. I didn't say a word. 2 weeks went by and dd wised up. When the boy came over, she told him she didn't feel like playing Nintendo. He left. She learned a really valuable lesson there that she wouldn't have learned if I had intervened.

 

Here is what I tell my dd- the chances of something bad happening are very very very small. If we educate ourselves about the possible dangers and take the precautions necessary, the chances get even smaller, but it will never mean nothing bad will ever happen. Still, we need to live our lives and not be afraid. I just read about a town this morning that is allowing kids to trick or treat after 15 years. A girl was a victim of a stranger abduction and murder 15 years ago. I think it is sad that so many kids had to suffer because of a bad occurrence that happens so rarely.

[melissel]

We are pretty protective about safety issues, but not about things like play. We are pretty free on many things, but you won't catch me letting ds go to camp by himself (I'm talking night, not day camp), and he's five. I just don't trust people too quickly.

 

My mom told me of two near-misses of sexual molestation that she's experienced as a child, both times she was saved by her "protective" mother. Some lessons one never forgets. In my neighborhood church about ten years ago the priest was accused of abusing some kids. I know two girls who were raped, one was a classmate, one is a friend. A relative's brother was sexually abused while he was in his backyard. He never quite recovered from that experience. He was ten years old.

 

I feel largely the same way. In terms of playground issues, I don't worry about much besides general courtesy of other children. Some of the things I see at the playground, I've also seen among adults (e.g., shoving other kids aside, sprinting to get in front of a kid about to sit down on the top of slide and go down, pushing past a kid halfway down the slide to keep climbing up, etc.). My kids are never allowed to do that kind of thing. Otherwise, they can climb, run, swing etc. to their hearts' content--usually while I'm reading a book.

 

But in terms of letting kids out of my sight, I have a harder time with that. I don't feel like my kids are stunted for having to play in the fully fenced backyard versus the wide open front yard when I can't watch them every second. I don't feel like they're stunted for being required to stay with me in the grocery store, or stay within my sight at the park. It only takes a second for something bad to happen, and you never get that second back to do over. I'm OK with being overly cautious in that regard.

 

In general, I'm uncomfortable with labels like this. As several others have pointed out, homeschooling moms get plenty of labels, deservedly or not. We don't know what makes someone "helicopter" over their kids. It may or may not be right, but generally I try to reserve judgment. Right now I'm having a problem (my problem, I own that) with a kid in my DD's weekly co-op class. He's 5, just barely, and his mom drops him in the class and takes off to do her own thing. In the meantime, the kid disrupts the class constantly, talking over the teacher and other kids, doing the "look at this, look at this!" thing. Meanwhile, his mom is nowhere to be seen. It drives me nuts, and a certain phrase comes to my mind everytime I get annoyed, but the reality is, I don't know what her deal is, so I try to respect her choice to drop and go.

 

I don't know; people are different. We can't all do everything right. Certainly, most people think homeschoolers are overprotective of our kids simply because we choose not to subject them to the school system. Are we? Maybe, but we think it's justifiable. I'm sure the helicopter moms think their actions are justifiable too. Even here in this thread, we don't agree on what's considered hovering or not hovering.

 

OK, that turned into a mini :rant:, but I'm done now! :001_rolleyes:

[Annie Laurie]

I feel largely the same way. In terms of playground issues, I don't worry about much besides general courtesy of other children. Some of the things I see at the playground, I've also seen among adults (e.g., shoving other kids aside, sprinting to get in front of a kid about to sit down on the top of slide and go down, pushing past a kid halfway down the slide to keep climbing up, etc.). My kids are never allowed to do that kind of thing. Otherwise, they can climb, run, swing etc. to their hearts' content--usually while I'm reading a book.

 

But in terms of letting kids out of my sight, I have a harder time with that. I don't feel like my kids are stunted for having to play in the fully fenced backyard versus the wide open front yard when I can't watch them every second. I don't feel like they're stunted for being required to stay with me in the grocery store, or stay within my sight at the park. It only takes a second for something bad to happen, and you never get that second back to do over. I'm OK with being overly cautious in that regard.

 

In general, I'm uncomfortable with labels like this. As several others have pointed out, homeschooling moms get plenty of labels, deservedly or not. We don't know what makes someone "helicopter" over their kids. It may or may not be right, but generally I try to reserve judgment. Right now I'm having a problem (my problem, I own that) with a kid in my DD's weekly co-op class. He's 5, just barely, and his mom drops him in the class and takes off to do her own thing. In the meantime, the kid disrupts the class constantly, talking over the teacher and other kids, doing the "look at this, look at this!" thing. Meanwhile, his mom is nowhere to be seen. It drives me nuts, and a certain phrase comes to my mind everytime I get annoyed, but the reality is, I don't know what her deal is, so I try to respect her choice to drop and go.

 

I don't know; people are different. We can't all do everything right. Certainly, most people think homeschoolers are overprotective of our kids simply because we choose not to subject them to the school system. Are we? Maybe, but we think it's justifiable. I'm sure the helicopter moms think their actions are justifiable too. Even here in this thread, we don't agree on what's considered hovering or not hovering.

 

OK, that turned into a mini :rant:, but I'm done now! :001_rolleyes:

 

Thanks for posting that, you articulated some things that have been bothering me about this thread.

[Guest janainaz]

Well- to put it this way- yes I want to know where my 7yo is and who she is with. I send her out into the neighborhood, but the rule is she has to stay outside so she can hear me call her. If she wants to go into another kid's house, she needs to tell me where she is and I will tell her what time to be home. I would want to meet the parent if it was a new family- just to make sure there is an adult there and that adult is okay with my dd being over, and to get a phone number. But, just because I may not like the parents or the parenting style, I don't prevent a friendship. If my dd goes to another kid's house and does something stupid, I don't blame the kid's parents. My dd knows how to act. With freedom comes responsibility. If she needs other people's parents to make sure she acts appropriately, I need to do some work here at home.

 

There are some kids she hangs around who I really don't like. I mean- I REALLY don't like. When she got her Nintendo DS, one of the neighbor boys was over here every day. I knew he was using dd for her video game. I didn't say a word. 2 weeks went by and dd wised up. When the boy came over, she told him she didn't feel like playing Nintendo. He left. She learned a really valuable lesson there that she wouldn't have learned if I had intervened.

 

Here is what I tell my dd- the chances of something bad happening are very very very small. If we educate ourselves about the possible dangers and take the precautions necessary, the chances get even smaller, but it will never mean nothing bad will ever happen. Still, we need to live our lives and not be afraid. I just read about a town this morning that is allowing kids to trick or treat after 15 years. A girl was a victim of a stranger abduction and murder 15 years ago. I think it is sad that so many kids had to suffer because of a bad occurrence that happens so rarely.

 

 

I agree with what you said for the most part. My ds has a couple friends I don't care for. One is a really sneaky kid and consequences are worth whatever it is that he wants to do. I don't dislike him, but I don't trust him. I am not afraid of my son hanging out with him though. We've talked about some of the stuff this kids does and I ask my son what he thinks about it. I've got a smart kid and I parent him in the real-life way. I believe in how my dh and I are parenting our kids and I believe my ds will handle himself fine. I have watched him say no to this kid and question some of the things he does. My son is not perfect and I'm sure as he gets older he'll do stuff and make mistakes and learn from them. It is part of growing up. But I believe in who my son is in his heart and because we are not raising him in a bubble - he'll be fine.

 

I know some people will think this is repulsive and awful, but my mother told me she did not try drugs becuase she was afraid of liking them and she explained stuff like that to me in a real way that I could understand. She definitely had her issues, but that was one area she actually helped me. I was terrified of all of it and kept my distance. So, in the big picture I want my son to see every angle possible of his choices. I want him to think a little deeper and use his brain about what he's doing. I told him that I want him to think about who HE wants to be, it's not about my ideals for him, it's about him - it's his life. My parenting journey is helping him discover who that is and part of that is giving him a little freedom at a time. I don't use God to manipulate and control and I want him to know that no matter what he does - he'll always be loved and accepted. But.... our choices come with consequences - natural ones quite often and some are deadly.

 

I can't be with him every second of every day and this will prove true as he gets older even moreso. I want him to be able to hang out with all kinds of kids - even ones that might be walking a bit on the wild side and I don't want him living in fear or making judgements that they are "bad kids". I want him to make right judements about choices. I want him to see through the behavior and the choices they make and I want him to stand up and be who he is. My ds that is 8 almost 9 has an older way about him and I talk to him about all kinds of stuff already. He sees stuff all around him and I use every opportunity to plant seeds and reveal truth. My kids should be able to go out and live in society and get along with ANYONE.

 

But, getting back to my ds's friends - the one in particular that is not my all time favorite - his parents let him log into the computer and surf the net. They refuse to put a password on it and they do ALL kinds of stuff that makes me nuts. Yet, on the flipside - they use the Bible to manipulate and guilt trip. I have gotten to know them long enough to allow my son to go over to their house because i know what I'm instilling in my kid. He knows the rules, they are not "dangerous" people and I do make my boundaries clear with them, but I let him go and only because my son is old enough to know right from wrong. We are doing somethiing wrong if he needs to be in a perfect evironment, with perfect friends and perfect parents. It does not exist.

 

Lastly, we recently joined a small group through a church and our kids attend Awana. We don't go on Sunday, we are not traditional Christians. We are like night and day with these people and I know they would not agree with how we parent. When my ds's friends come over for a sleepover they are jumping off the coffee table and we've got deep house music cranked up loud with fun lights and we let our kids be free - within reason. We let them have FUN and be wild, but we watch them and we keep it under control. This group of people would probably totally disagree with letting our kids have fun in this way, I think they would find a lot of things wrong. But I am not going to raise my kids cramming God down their throat and over-controlling them to the point that they can't wait to get away from us. I truly believe we have a good balance and I believe it shows in my kids.

 

My helicopter stuff has more to do with keeping them safe from weirdos or teenagers behind the wheel driving 50 miles an hour in our neighborhood. While they are young, I am around (in the house) while they are playing and I believe they need to learn how to play. But, we also let our kids fight it out and don't intervene even in brawls until we absolutely need to. They have to learn to get along. My dh helps me on that and tells me to back-off. It's all about balance and protecting your kids in the right areas. Over-protecting causes a lot of damage.

[OnTheBrink]

I feel largely the same way. In terms of playground issues, I don't worry about much besides general courtesy of other children. Some of the things I see at the playground, I've also seen among adults (e.g., shoving other kids aside, sprinting to get in front of a kid about to sit down on the top of slide and go down, pushing past a kid halfway down the slide to keep climbing up, etc.). My kids are never allowed to do that kind of thing. Otherwise, they can climb, run, swing etc. to their hearts' content--usually while I'm reading a book.

 

But in terms of letting kids out of my sight, I have a harder time with that. I don't feel like my kids are stunted for having to play in the fully fenced backyard versus the wide open front yard when I can't watch them every second. I don't feel like they're stunted for being required to stay with me in the grocery store, or stay within my sight at the park. It only takes a second for something bad to happen, and you never get that second back to do over. I'm OK with being overly cautious in that regard.

 

In general, I'm uncomfortable with labels like this. As several others have pointed out, homeschooling moms get plenty of labels, deservedly or not. We don't know what makes someone "helicopter" over their kids. It may or may not be right, but generally I try to reserve judgment. Right now I'm having a problem (my problem, I own that) with a kid in my DD's weekly co-op class. He's 5, just barely, and his mom drops him in the class and takes off to do her own thing. In the meantime, the kid disrupts the class constantly, talking over the teacher and other kids, doing the "look at this, look at this!" thing. Meanwhile, his mom is nowhere to be seen. It drives me nuts, and a certain phrase comes to my mind everytime I get annoyed, but the reality is, I don't know what her deal is, so I try to respect her choice to drop and go.

 

I don't know; people are different. We can't all do everything right. Certainly, most people think homeschoolers are overprotective of our kids simply because we choose not to subject them to the school system. Are we? Maybe, but we think it's justifiable. I'm sure the helicopter moms think their actions are justifiable too. Even here in this thread, we don't agree on what's considered hovering or not hovering.

 

OK, that turned into a mini :rant:, but I'm done now! :001_rolleyes:

 

:iagree:

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I agree with what you said for the most part. My ds has a couple friends I don't care for. One is a really sneaky kid and consequences are worth whatever it is that he wants to do. I don't dislike him, but I don't trust him. I am not afraid of my son hanging out with him though. We've talked about some of the stuff this kids does and I ask my son what he thinks about it. I've got a smart kid and I parent him in the real-life way. I believe in how my dh and I are parenting our kids and I believe my ds will handle himself fine. I have watched him say no to this kid and question some of the things he does. My son is not perfect and I'm sure as he gets older he'll do stuff and make mistakes and learn from them. It is part of growing up. But I believe in who my son is in his heart and because we are not raising him in a bubble - he'll be fine.

 

I know some people will think this is repulsive and awful, but my mother told me she did not try drugs becuase she was afraid of liking them and she explained stuff like that to me in a real way that I could understand. She definitely had her issues, but that was one area she actually helped me. I was terrified of all of it and kept my distance. So, in the big picture I want my son to see every angle possible of his choices. I want him to think a little deeper and use his brain about what he's doing. I told him that I want him to think about who HE wants to be, it's not about my ideals for him, it's about him - it's his life. My parenting journey is helping him discover who that is and part of that is giving him a little freedom at a time. I don't use God to manipulate and control and I want him to know that no matter what he does - he'll always be loved and accepted. But.... our choices come with consequences - natural ones quite often and some are deadly.

 

I can't be with him every second of every day and this will prove true as he gets older even moreso. I want him to be able to hang out with all kinds of kids - even ones that might be walking a bit on the wild side and I don't want him living in fear or making judgements that they are "bad kids". I want him to make right judements about choices. I want him to see through the behavior and the choices they make and I want him to stand up and be who he is. My ds that is 8 almost 9 has an older way about him and I talk to him about all kinds of stuff already. He sees stuff all around him and I use every opportunity to plant seeds and reveal truth. My kids should be able to go out and live in society and get along with ANYONE.

 

But, getting back to my ds's friends - the one in particular that is not my all time favorite - his parents let him log into the computer and surf the net. They refuse to put a password on it and they do ALL kinds of stuff that makes me nuts. Yet, on the flipside - they use the Bible to manipulate and guilt trip. I have gotten to know them long enough to allow my son to go over to their house because i know what I'm instilling in my kid. He knows the rules, they are not "dangerous" people and I do make my boundaries clear with them, but I let him go and only because my son is old enough to know right from wrong. We are doing somethiing wrong if he needs to be in a perfect evironment, with perfect friends and perfect parents. It does not exist.

 

Lastly, we recently joined a small group through a church and our kids attend Awana. We don't go on Sunday, we are not traditional Christians. We are like night and day with these people and I know they would not agree with how we parent. When my ds's friends come over for a sleepover they are jumping off the coffee table and we've got deep house music cranked up loud with fun lights and we let our kids be free - within reason. We let them have FUN and be wild, but we watch them and we keep it under control. This group of people would probably totally disagree with letting our kids have fun in this way, I think they would find a lot of things wrong. But I am not going to raise my kids cramming God down their throat and over-controlling them to the point that they can't wait to get away from us. I truly believe we have a good balance and I believe it shows in my kids.

 

My helicopter stuff has more to do with keeping them safe from weirdos or teenagers behind the wheel driving 50 miles an hour in our neighborhood. While they are young, I am around (in the house) while they are playing and I believe they need to learn how to play. But, we also let our kids fight it out and don't intervene even in brawls until we absolutely need to. They have to learn to get along. My dh helps me on that and tells me to back-off. It's all about balance and protecting your kids in the right areas. Over-protecting causes a lot of damage.

 

Amen ;)

[milovany]

As a reply, your children are *very* young and yes, you DO need to keep your eye on them.

 

But they will get older, and then you also will have to go through the decision making process of "when?" When can they be out of my sight? When can they walk to the lady from church's house who lives six blocks away? When can they climb higher in the tree than I'm comfortable with? When can they attend a show without me there? When can they have a newspaper route? When can they spend the weekend with Gramma and Grampa? Etc.

 

I've had to go through this. I don't want my kids scared of the world. They can be aware and they can have problem-solving skills, but since the chance that some scary person is going to grab them is soooooo low (much lower then getting hurt while riding in the car, actually -- should we stop driving them around?), I'm comfortable with our age-appropriate children learning to be "out there" on their own. I know that sounds freaky to some -- but the car example is *real*. It's seriously much, much more likely that they'll get hurt in the car -- even with their seat belt and car seat -- than it is that they'll get snatched. So why do we put fear on them in regard to the latter, but are so laissez-faire with the former? Because it's important that they don't live in fear; we balance safety with practicality with wisdom and a child's need to learn to handle life as they grow older. It *does* take thought, and discernment but I don't want my kids to live in that "ah! ah!" frame of mind. Last summer we were on our annual trip to the beach house; a trip we've made for more than 10 years. *THIS* year there was an article from the local newspaper pinned to the bulletin board -- a man had been out on the bay with his wife during low tide and had gotten stuck in the muck. The tide started coming back in .... well, the end of the story is that the water was up to his neck before they got him out. For the first time EVER I felt fear creep in as our kids went galivanting off across the bay (something they'd done for the previous 10+ years). I did voice concern a couple of times, but then decided to deal with *me*, with my fear. And after that we all had a great time.

 

I hope you don't mind me making some of these comments because it WILL come around that you'll have to, also, start making some of these decisions. Life is funny that way. Sure there's a balance and I'm not at all saying you or anyone else is on the road to over-helicoptering; each parent WILL have to decide what they're comfortable with -- while also considering the needs of their children.

 

Best to you.

Edited October 30, 2008 by milovaný

[melissel]

My helicopter stuff has more to do with keeping them safe from weirdos or teenagers behind the wheel driving 50 miles an hour in our neighborhood.

 

Oh, this too!!! Some of the neighbors here have adult children who do this! Have you ever seen The World According to Garp? I used to think it was so funny when he'd race through the neighborhood to intercept the speeders and scream at them that there were kids in the neighborhood, but I swear I totally get it now!!!!

[kewb]

Hi, My name is Kathy and I am a helicopter mom. It has been 3 weeks since my last helicopter incident.

 

Being over protective is something I struggle with daily. Reading Protecting the Gift last year helped me greatly. My oldest is 10 and my youngest 8. Over the last couple of years I have let them play on the block without parental supervision with the other kids on the block. This year I let ds walk to his friends houses 2 blocks away. Over the summer I started letting him and his sister walk to the park by themselves. The park is 2 blocks away. These were huge for me. The first time they went to the park I wanted to follow them. Even though ds had a cell phone and called me when they got there and they call when they are on their way home.

 

I battle my demons but I know they are my demons and I have to let them experience the world.

[klmama]

How much is too much? And who decides that? :bigear:

 

You decide. You're the mom. :)

 

Other people will always have opinions about your parenting. Sometimes they will be positive, sometimes not. That's okay. What really matters is how it all affects your dc. If they are doing well with your parenting style, great. If not, change it.

[milovany]

Hi, My name is Kathy and I am a helicopter mom. It has been 3 weeks since my last helicopter incident.

 

Hi, Kathy.

 

:D

 

[ChemMommy]

#1 Parent of child who is NOT doing well in OChem calls me, not once, but TWICE to tell me what grade I should give her child so that he could become a doctor. Huh??? Legally, I can't even discuss her son's grades with her and she is calling to tell me that he should be given a B instead of a D. Can you say "wubba, wubba, wubba?"

 

#2 After interviewing a candidate for a tenure-track faculty position, the candidate's parent called (now understand that the candidate was at least 28) to ask how the son did during the interview and what his chances were of getting the job. Needless to say, the candidate was removed from consideration as soon as the phone was hung up.

 

There's a difference between hovering over a child and enabling a child to continue to be dependent on you!!

[Parrothead]

As a reply, your children are *very* young and yes, you DO need to keep your eye on them.

 

But they will get older, and then you also will have to go through the decision making process of "when?" When can they be out of my sight? When can they walk to the lady from church's house who lives six blocks away? When can they climb higher in the tree than I'm comfortable with? When can they attend a show without me there? When can they have a newspaper route? When can they spend the weekend with Gramma and Grampa? Etc.

 

I've had to go through this. I don't want my kids scared of the world. They can be aware and they can have problem-solving skills, but since the chance that some scary person is going to grab them is soooooo low (much lower then getting hurt while riding in the car, actually -- should we stop driving them around?), I'm comfortable with our age-appropriate children learning to be "out there" on their own. I know that sounds freaky to some -- but the car example is *real*. It's seriously much, much more likely that they'll get hurt in the car -- even with their seat belt and car seat -- than it is that they'll get snatched. So why do we put fear on them in regard to the latter, but are so laissez-faire with the former? Because it's important that they don't live in fear; we balance safety with practicality with wisdom and a child's need to learn to handle life as they grow older. It *does* take thought, and discernment but I don't want my kids to live in that "ah! ah!" frame of mind. Last summer we were on our annual trip to the beach house; a trip we've made for more than 10 years. *THIS* year there was an article from the local newspaper pinned to the bulletin board -- a man had been out on the bay with his wife during low tide and had gotten stuck in the muck. The tide started coming back in .... well, the end of the story is that the water was up to his neck before they got him out. For the first time EVER I felt fear creep in as our kids went galivanting off across the bay (something they'd done for the previous 10+ years). I did voice concern a couple of times, but then decided to deal with *me*, with my fear. And after that we all had a great time.

 

I hope you don't mind me making some of these comments because it WILL come around that you'll have to, also, start making some of these decisions. Life is funny that way. Sure there's a balance and I'm not at all saying you or anyone else is on the road to over-helicoptering; each parent WILL have to decide what they're comfortable with -- while also considering the needs of their children.

 

Best to you.

:iagree:

#1 Parent of child who is NOT doing well in OChem calls me, not once, but TWICE to tell me what grade I should give her child so that he could become a doctor. Huh??? Legally, I can't even discuss her son's grades with her and she is calling to tell me that he should be given a B instead of a D. Can you say "wubba, wubba, wubba?"

 

#2 After interviewing a candidate for a tenure-track faculty position, the candidate's parent called (now understand that the candidate was at least 28) to ask how the son did during the interview and what his chances were of getting the job. Needless to say, the candidate was removed from consideration as soon as the phone was hung up.

 

There's a difference between hovering over a child and enabling a child to continue to be dependent on you!!

I wonder if these "kids" know what their parents are doing?

[sagira]

:iagree:

 

I wonder if these "kids" know what their parents are doing?

 

Wow. These are good examples. I feel bad for the "kids".

[Chris in VA]

Finally. Someone who agrees with me about Love You Forever.