WWYD

[unsinkable]

Did you know what this girl was like and how her father and his family enabled her before you got married?

[regentrude]

So why not let the inlaws deal with her?

If your DH is interested in a relationship with his family (since you hint this would be further damaged), HE needs to start dealing with his daughter and not foist it off on you.

Edited June 17, 2017 by regentrude

[gardenmom5]

you know - if you throw her out, and she moves in with the in-laws (who seem to take her side) - she'll either shape up (which may not help with their attitude - but you wont' be dealing with her), or they'll get sick of her attitude and toss her out on her patootie. . .. . win-win.

[Catwoman]

I have sat down with them. I have done stuff with them to try and bond. I have helped them with major problems that, frankly, are so significant that I will not post about on a public forum about it. I willingly gave up a significant amount of time with my own child to help them because the issue was that big.

  

They will shut down and say nothing.

  

I think the military would be helpful in a way, but no branch will take them due to health.

Any services they get requires a lot of work to navigate and I am not in a place where I am able to put time and energy into finding services (too old for public school) and dealing with the red tape BS. I need a reduced load, not more.

  

There may be depression at play. They deny being deoressed and refuse treatment. There may be ADHD at play, they deny any issues and refuse medications.

Right or wrong, if a person denies depression or ADHD, then I view the behavior as intentional and the person as lazy and I am starting to act as though they are a lazy, selfish, spoiled brat.

  

I firmly believe that if all the inlaws would stop getting butt hurt because I make age appropriate (for an 8 year old) demands of them and stop helping them drive the wedge I think they would shape up.

It takes a village*

*Of emotionally healthy people not engaged in codependant behaviors.

Please go back and read your posts to this thread. And then go back and read your past threads about this person.

 

You have done all you can do and it hasn't worked. There is only one solution here and I think you know what it is, but for some reason you're not forcing the issue with your dh.

 

That young woman has to go. You know she has the option to live with her grandparents, so she won't be homeless.

 

I don't know what's going on with your dh, but if he won't make the decision to kick her out of your home, you should do it yourself -- and if your dh won't enforce your decision, he and his dd can both go live someplace else.

 

I am absolutely serious. Your dh can't keep putting you in the middle of this and he can't keep letting you be the bad guy. He needs to make a decision and stick with it.

[Χά�ων]

you know - if you throw her out, and she moves in with the in-laws (who seem to take her side) - she'll either shape up (which may not help with their attitude - but you wont' be dealing with her), or they'll get sick of her attitude and toss her out on her patootie. . .. . win-win.

Nope. They will use the behavior as a reason to whine and about DH not being involved enough in parenting and oh the drama that they have to drive them everywhere and they are just so tired and and and and in any way shape or form to martyr themselves.

[Catwoman]

So why not let the inlaws deal with her?

If your DH is interested in a relationship with his family (since you hint this would be further damaged), HE needs to start dealing with his daughter and not foist it off on you.

  

you know - if you throw her out, and she moves in with the in-laws (who seem to take her side) - she'll either shape up (which may not help with their attitude - but you wont' be dealing with her), or they'll get sick of her attitude and toss her out on her patootie. . .. . win-win.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

These things have been suggested on several occasions in the past and for some reason, nothing ever changes. I honestly think it all comes down to the dh not being onboard with sending his dd to live with her grandparents.

 

I don't understand it.

[regentrude]

They will use the behavior as a reason to whine and about DH not being involved enough in parenting and oh the drama that they have to drive them everywhere and they are just so tired and and and and in any way shape or form to martyr themselves.

 

Would that be worse than what you have going on now?

[Catwoman]

Nope. They will use the behavior as a reason to whine and about DH not being involved enough in parenting and oh the drama that they have to drive them everywhere and they are just so tired and and and and in any way shape or form to martyr themselves.

So what? Too bad. Let them say whatever they want to say. Walk away from them and don't look back.

 

As long as they let your stepdd move in with them, you will be able to live a normal life, and that's all that matters.

[Catwoman]

Why do you keep trying to protect your dh from all of this? Why isn't he dealing with his dd and his parents? Why are you stuck in the middle of this at all?

 

Start looking after your own interests and your son's happiness, because it seems pretty clear that if you don't, no one else is going to do it for you. Don't let everyone keep taking advantage of you.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself, nothing will ever change. Do you really want to keep living like this a year from now or five years from now? Because if you don't get your stepdd out of your house, that's exactly what is going to happen, and I would hate to see that.

[Callie]

DH works, I am the one at home when they are. I am in the trenches. He talks and talks but unless he takes the rest of the night off of work and rosks losing his job I am the one at home.

 

I feel for you.  Really.  I'm stressed for you whenever I read about this problem.  Why does your dh put up with this shit.  I have four adult children that I love dearly but if they lived in my home (and two still do) they'd follow my rules or move the f*ck out.  I'm serious.

[Χά�ων]

Would that be worse than what you have going on now?

As I no longer speak with them after they allowed behavior in front of my son that no parent would allow, it would not. I am still getting used to not listening to the BS.

[Χά�ων]

I feel for you. Really. I'm stressed for you whenever I read about this problem. Why does your dh put up with this shit. I have four adult children that I love dearly but if they lived in my home (and two still do) they'd follow my rules or move the f*ck out. I'm serious.

Because it is life or death. For them life = living here, death = not living here.

[Callie]

You do not sound like the Dursleys. You sound like a reasonable homemaker who is being soundly played by a stepdaughter who may actually be trying to drive a wedge between you and her father.

 

This.  It sounds like she wants to be Queen of the Castle and needs to get rid of you so her father can support her and her whims for the rest of her life.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[Catwoman]

Because it is life or death. For them life = living here, death = not living here.

Ok, I'm about to sound like the coldest, meanest person in the world, but neither she nor your dh can hold that over your head if she's acting like a disrespectful jerk.

 

"She will die if we kick her out" is the very worst kind of emotional blackmail, even if it's true.

[Χά�ων]

She is the only person in his family DH regularly talks to since the inlaws behaviors towards me is undeniable. By not talking to them I mean he does not reach out to them. They call him only when they need DH to do something for them.

 

So cutting her off would severing all ties with his family. Not a small step.

[Χά�ων]

Did you know what this girl was like and how her father and his family enabled her before you got married?

Did you know every skeleton in your inlaws closet before getting married? Do you know every skeleton in your friend's closests? I doubt it. I watch them grow up and have been friends with the family since my son was in diapers. There was no way to see all this stuff coming.

[Seasider]

Because it is life or death. For them life = living here, death = not living here.

This person is refusing to help herself. Your dh is refusing to help her (because letting her live in a dump of her own making and letting her refuse to change is not helping).

 

This person may be at risk of death, but so are you, and (this is what really gets me) so is your son. You may be enduring this but you are going to lose him in the process.

[Garga]

And what does one do to a person in their mid 20's? I take away the internet, but nothing changes. Dh talks and talks and talks. Throwing them out will result in a young adult doing the same elsewhere and DH being further blacklisted from his family. Because his siblings view this person as not actually their age and any attempts to actually expect age appropriate behvaior is viewed as cruel.

Your dh's family is horrible. Just horrible. It's time to let them cut dh out of their lives. The chips need to fall where they will. If they want to cut off contact, then that's on them. If they are so petty and awful that they'd cut dh off over this, then they're toxic and it would be to his benefit if they left him alone. It would be on their heads.

 

 

One other thought... I agree with Catwoman in thinking this person is TRYING to drive a wedge between the two of you.

 

 

 

This is so obviously clear that it's ridiculous. This behavior is 100% purposeful. She is happy to drive you nuts and it's deliberate. Saying that roaches are cute and she wants them in her room is a big fat lie.

 

I have sat down with them. I have done stuff with them to try and bond. I have helped them with major problems that, frankly, are so significant that I will not post about on a public forum about it. I willingly gave up a significant amount of time with my own child to help them because the issue was that big.

 

You've tried. You've helped. Your help has been rejected.

 

Nope. They will use the behavior as a reason to whine and about DH not being involved enough in parenting and oh the drama that they have to drive them everywhere and they are just so tired and and and and in any way shape or form to martyr themselves.

 

That's on them. That's not on you.

 

Because it is life or death. For them life = living here, death = not living here.

This is blackmail. This is dealing with terrorists. This is when an abusive lover says, "If you break up with me, I'll kill myself."

 

Do not negotiate with blackmailers, terrorists, or abusive lovers. Ever. This person is 25 (if I'm remembering correctly.). It is her choice to ignore her health issues.

 

Ok, I'm about to sound like the coldest, meanest person in the world, but neither she nor your dh can hold that over your head if she's acting like a disrespectful jerk.

"She will die if we kick her out" is the very worst kind of emotional blackmail, even if it's true.

I'm with Catwoman here.

 

I would push hard for dh to kick her out. If you kicked her out would your dh leave you?

 

Do you have anywhere you can go if you and your son decide to leave? Do you have a friend who will let you stay with them? Do you have a way to support yourself?

 

You keep posting asking for help because you're under intense pressure. You know what has to happen, but are terrified of pulling that trigger (kicking her out.). You give us lame excuses for not doing so (the mean and derranged family will get upset...). You know they're lame, and yet you cling to them because you're scared of what has to be done.

 

Here are the scary things as I see them:

 

You and DH kick out the daughter. She doesn't tend to her health. She dies. Your dh blames you and leaves you.

You kick daughter out alone. Your dh is horrified that you did so. He leaves you.

You tell your dh to choose between you and her. He chooses her because if he chooses you, she will not tend to her health and will die, so how can he possibly make any other choice?

 

I think that for everyone's emotional health, you have to kick her out...yet do you think it would mean divorce? Because if that was the case, I'd be terrified, too. Or even if it's not divorce, it's possible that the fallout would create resentment and bitterness from your dh toward you. Do you think that would happen? If it wouldn't--then kick her out.

 

If it's possible that you'll lose your dh over this...then I can understand why you keep posting about this and dancing around the issue and being afraid to take action.

Edited June 18, 2017 by Garga

[creekland]

Sometimes you can't save the world.  You have to figure out how to save yourself.  :grouphug:

[Χά�ων]

Your dh's family is horrible. Just horrible. It's time to let them cut dh out of their lives. The chips need to fall where they will. If they want to cut off contact, then that's on them. If they are so petty and awful that they'd cut dh off over this, then they're toxic and it would be to his benefit if they left him alone. It would be on their heads.

 

 

 

 

This is so obviously clear that it's ridiculous. This behavior is 100% purposeful. She is happy to drive you nuts and it's deliberate. Saying that roaches are cute and she wants them in her room is a big fat lie.

 

 

 

You've tried. You've helped. Your help has been rejected.

 

 

 

That's on them. That's not on you.

 

This is blackmail. This is dealing with terrorists. This is when an abusive lover says, "If you break up with me, I'll kill myself."

 

Do not negotiate with blackmailers, terrorists, or abusive lovers. Ever. This person is 25 (if I'm remembering correctly.). It is her choice to ignore her health issues.

 

I'm with Catwoman here.

 

I would push hard for dh to kick her out. If you kicked her out would your dh leave you?

 

Do you have anywhere you can go if you and your son decide to leave? Do you have a friend who will let you stay with them? Do you have a way to support yourself?

 

You keep posting asking for help because you're under intense pressure. You know what has to happen, but are terrified of pulling that trigger (kicking her out.). You give us lame excuses for not doing so (the mean and derranged family will get upset...). You know they're lame, and yet you cling to them because you're scared of what has to be done.

 

Here are the scary things as I see them:

 

You and DH kick out the daughter. She doesn't tend to her health. She dies. Your dh blames you and leaves you.

You kick daughter out alone. Your dh is horrified that you did so. He leaves you.

You tell your dh to choose between you and her. He chooses her because if he chooses you, she will not tend to her health and will die, so how can he possibly make any other choice?

 

I think that for everyone's emotional health, you have to kick her out...yet do you think it would mean divorce? Because if that was the case, I'd be terrified, too. Or even if it's not divorce, it's possible that the fallout would create resentment and bitterness from your dh toward you. Do you think that would happen? If it wouldn't--then kick her out.

 

If it's possible that you'll lose your dh over this...then I can understand why you keep posting about this and dancing around the issue and being afraid to take action.

I have my own income and my own house near my parents. My father might be sad, he has discovered a green thumb in retirement and has been using my house as a green house. Bonus of lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Not a worry about that.

 

I have lost a lot. I have lost my friendship with his family. I have lost my innocence, so to speak. In my family of orgin divorced spouses were still family. Family day still happened. The ex was still invited and welcomed at their exinlaws.

 

We are far from perfect, but these behaviors are foreign to me. Everytime something happens the way they respond seems like a joke. It is like they follow the "how to be a jerk" guide or something.

 

ETA: I guess the difference is I grew up around adults acting like adults. That seems to have left me ill prepared to deal with childish, manipulative behavior in adults.

Edited June 18, 2017 by Χά�ων

[bolt.]

I think "what I would do" is do a daily walk-through and inspection of her room -- either while she is home (confrontational but educational) or while she is out. I'd simply remove dishes, food waste, and food not yet consumed myself.

 

Yes, that's doing her chores for her, but it's also solving your problem with your own personal power. That often makes me feel good (powerful, capable) and is usually effective against practical problems -- like protecting your home from infestation. Sometimes solving practical problems can de-escalate personal problems.

 

I garuntee that she would rather have privacy than 'maid service' -- especially if the 'maid' doesn't tidy but just generally pushes things around while looking (not very carefully) for any roach attractants.

Edited June 18, 2017 by bolt.

[Χά�ων]

I think "what I would do" is do a daily walk-through and inspection of her room -- either while she is home (confrontational but educational) or while she is out. I'd simply remove dishes, food waste, and food not yet consumed myself.

 

Yes, that's doing her chores for her, but it's also solving your problem with your own personal power. That often makes me feel good (powerful, capable) and is usually effective against practical problems -- like protecting your home from infestation. Sometimes solving practical problems can de-escalate personal problems.

 

I garuntee that she would rather have privacy than 'maid service' -- especially if the 'maid' doesn't tidy but just generally pushes things around while looking (not very carefully) for any roach attractants.

I have done this. And bagged stuff up. I would say what the inlaws reaction was but I am sure everyone can guess it.

 

I am very very close to doing it again.

[bolt.]

I'm unclear why "in-laws reaction" has such a strong influence in your decisions.

[bolt.]

Also, remember that you don't have to lose your temper to do things. You don't have to get pushed, then have an outburst style reaction. You don't need the excuse that 'my temper made me be harsh' -- you can do strategic things from a level head. You don't need excuses.

[Χά�ων]

I'm unclear why "in-laws reaction" has such a strong influence in your decisions.

My first reasons had to do with maintaining a friendly relationship. I have cut them out of my life so that is o more. My current reason is much less happy. I do not trust these people. They are Death Eaters*

 

 

*because public forum. Leave it at that.

[unsinkable]

Did you know every skeleton in your inlaws closet before getting married? Do you know every skeleton in your friend's closests? I doubt it. I watch them grow up and have been friends with the family since my son was in diapers. There was no way to see all this stuff coming.

So your husband hid or denied or lied by omission about how mentally ill his DD is but he expected you to care for her as she lived with you all in your marriage house?

Edited June 18, 2017 by unsinkable

[OneStepAtATime]

I wish I had better suggestions.  I wish I had a fix that I thought would work short of kicking her out (since that seems off the table).  Since I don't I will just continue to send hugs and hope for better days.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[goldberry]

I have done this. And bagged stuff up. I would say what the inlaws reaction was but I am sure everyone can guess it.

 

I am very very close to doing it again.

 

And how did the inlaws know?  Did the daughter tell them?  Is she informing on you?  

 

Additional question:  What was your husband's reaction?

Edited June 18, 2017 by goldberry

[Χά�ων]

Also, remember that you don't have to lose your temper to do things. You don't have to get pushed, then have an outburst style reaction. You don't need the excuse that 'my temper made me be harsh' -- you can do strategic things from a level head. You don't need excuses.

I am working on this. The inlaws are crisis motivated, they do nothing unless it is a crisis. I am not supid and figured that out pretty fast, now I am working to prevent that from becoming my SOP while trying to get them to act. I never used losing my temper as an excuse. A tool, yes, but never an excuse. If I need X done and they will not do anything unles it is a crisis then I will make X a crisis. And then I cut them out of my life because if doing simple things to prevent a crisis is too much and I have to make it seem to be a crisis so it is done before it really is a crisis, then I want nothing to do with you.

 

And crisis is not code for small stuff.

[Χά�ων]

So your husband hid or denied or lied by omission about how mentally ill his DD is but he expected you to care for her as she lived with you all in your marriage house?

What the hell are you talking about? I knew of her health issues for years. It is day to day living with someone ill that I have no clue about. It was not hidden. It was there. But like I could never imagine the day to day life that the moms of children with severe autism love, I could not really know about this.

 

Just like he knew about DS severe health issues but had no idea of the reality of the day to day activities that are a routine part of life. I took for granted that my son needs special clothes that are stupid expensive. Or the routines we do daily to help him stay healthy.

 

Heck, even talking to parents of healthy kids blows me away because I cannot imagine not having to do what I do to keep my son healthy. I cannot imagine only going to the doctor for an annual check up. I mean really, people have kids get the flu and they go home and get better after lots and lots of rest. No trips to the ER. No weighing the pros and cons of hospital admission vs home. It blows my mind.

 

We bought our house knowing his child would be with us for life.

[Χά�ων]

And how did the inlaws know? Did the daughter tell them? Is she informing on you?

 

Additional question: What was your husband's reaction?

She told them. He went through it with me after I went in and sent him pictures of what I found.

[goldberry]

She told them. He went through it with me after I went in and sent him pictures of what I found.

 

That adds additional proof that she's sabatoging deliberately. Why do they even need to know what goes on in your house?

 

So are you saying your husband was okay with your actions in spite of the inlaw reaction?  That's positive, isn't it? Does he just not want to be the one initiating these things?

[FaithManor]

Gently, and with many hugs from me to you, I would circle the wagons for my son. That would mean leaving because none of this is healthy for him. I would go to the house you own, and leave dh with the daughter until such time as he figures out what to do with her and the manipulation. But the boundaries would be clear. He can visit his son at your home, and you can do things together as a family that do not include having this very bad influence around your son.

 

It would be a gut wrenching choice, but for the sake of my son, I would do it and hope dh would get the message and take action, live apart permanently, or we sure the divorce.

 

But that is me. It is what I would do. But my brother is going through this and choosing his marriage over his child, and the devastation to my niece his overwhelming. She is planning on leaving when she graduates next year and will cut all ties with her parents.

[goldberry]

We bought our house knowing his child would be with us for life.

 

I don't think you should be held to something like that though, if the adult child is willfully trying to destroy your family.  In general, we marry for life too.  That doesn't mean there isn't a time when it has to end to preserve health and sanity.

 

I'm sorry, this sounds like an awful situation.  :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

What the hell are you talking about? I knew of her health issues for years. It is day to day living with someone ill that I have no clue about. It was not hidden. It was there. But like I could never imagine the day to day life that the moms of children with severe autism love, I could not really know about this.

 

Just like he knew about DS severe health issues but had no idea of the reality of the day to day activities that are a routine part of life. I took for granted that my son needs special clothes that are stupid expensive. Or the routines we do daily to help him stay healthy.

 

Heck, even talking to parents of healthy kids blows me away because I cannot imagine not having to do what I do to keep my son healthy. I cannot imagine only going to the doctor for an annual check up. I mean really, people have kids get the flu and they go home and get better after lots and lots of rest. No trips to the ER. No weighing the pros and cons of hospital admission vs home. It blows my mind.

 

We bought our house knowing his child would be with us for life.

You brought up skeletons in the closet, not me, so that is what I'm talking about. You implied there were skeletons in the family closet that you didn't know about.

 

This situation is way beyond adjusting to day to day life with a child or adult with health issues. "Adjusting" is expected with blended families.

 

People are essentially telling you to leave your husband based on your own posts.

 

All I was wondering is what you knew and when you knew it. It's one thing to if you knew the situation and tried to work with it.

 

It's another thing if he didn't tell enough to allow you to know if you wanted to live with and care for another adult that does all the things you've listed here.

[Χά�ων]

That adds additional proof that she's sabatoging deliberately. Why do they even need to know what goes on in your house?

 

So are you saying your husband was okay with your actions in spite of the inlaw reaction? That's positive, isn't it? Does he just not want to be the one initiating these things?

Yes. We are generally on the same page on dealing with things. The main issue is the shit seems to happen when he is at work. They are rarely home at the same time and he does not have a chance to be hands on with them.

[Χά�ων]

You brought up skeletons in the closet, not me, so that is what I'm talking about. You implied there were skeletons in the family closet that you didn't know about.

 

This situation is way beyond adjusting to day to day life with a child or adult with health issues. "Adjusting" is expected with blended families.

 

People are essentially telling you to leave your husband based on your own posts.

 

All I was wondering is what you knew and when you knew it. It's one thing to if you knew the situation and tried to work with it.

 

It's another thing if he didn't tell enough to allow you to know if you wanted to live with and care for another adult that does all the things you've listed here.

There were things he did not know.

[unsinkable]

There were things he did not know.

that really sucks. Im sorry.

 

But I'd be more likely to try to muddle thru together in that situation (that he didn't know things) than I would if he wasn't forthcoming.

[gardenmom5]

Sometimes you can't save the world.  You have to figure out how to save yourself.  :grouphug:

 

you can't save someone else if you're already drowning.

 

I think "what I would do" is do a daily walk-through and inspection of her room -- either while she is home (confrontational but educational) or while she is out. I'd simply remove dishes, food waste, and food not yet consumed myself.

 

Yes, that's doing her chores for her, but it's also solving your problem with your own personal power. That often makes me feel good (powerful, capable) and is usually effective against practical problems -- like protecting your home from infestation. Sometimes solving practical problems can de-escalate personal problems.

 

I garuntee that she would rather have privacy than 'maid service' -- especially if the 'maid' doesn't tidy but just generally pushes things around while looking (not very carefully) for any roach attractants.

 

dump it on the bed.  make it her problem.  she's doing this deliberatly - let her live with the consequences of her actions.

 

the more you share - the more it sounds like she is very manipulative - and trying to undermine your relationship with her father.  you say he doesn't do anything because things happen when he's not home.  well - that needs to change. so what if he's at work when she does her crap - he can still enact consequences when he gets home.  she's old enough to understand if she does A - the effluent will hit the fan when dad comes home.   right now - she does A - and you go nuts.  she doesn't have to deal with any fall-out.  she's rewarded for doing A. . . . make it not worth her while.

[scoutingmom]

Your dh's family is horrible. Just horrible. It's time to let them cut dh out of their lives. The chips need to fall where they will. If they want to cut off contact, then that's on them. If they are so petty and awful that they'd cut dh off over this, then they're toxic and it would be to his benefit if they left him alone. It would be on their heads.

 

 

 

 

This is so obviously clear that it's ridiculous. This behavior is 100% purposeful. She is happy to drive you nuts and it's deliberate. Saying that roaches are cute and she wants them in her room is a big fat lie.

 

 

 

You've tried. You've helped. Your help has been rejected.

 

 

 

That's on them. That's not on you.

 

This is blackmail. This is dealing with terrorists. This is when an abusive lover says, "If you break up with me, I'll kill myself."

 

Do not negotiate with blackmailers, terrorists, or abusive lovers. Ever. This person is 25 (if I'm remembering correctly.). It is her choice to ignore her health issues.

 

I'm with Catwoman here.

 

I would push hard for dh to kick her out. If you kicked her out would your dh leave you?

 

Do you have anywhere you can go if you and your son decide to leave? Do you have a friend who will let you stay with them? Do you have a way to support yourself?

 

You keep posting asking for help because you're under intense pressure. You know what has to happen, but are terrified of pulling that trigger (kicking her out.). You give us lame excuses for not doing so (the mean and derranged family will get upset...). You know they're lame, and yet you cling to them because you're scared of what has to be done.

 

Here are the scary things as I see them:

 

You and DH kick out the daughter. She doesn't tend to her health. She dies. Your dh blames you and leaves you.

You kick daughter out alone. Your dh is horrified that you did so. He leaves you.

You tell your dh to choose between you and her. He chooses her because if he chooses you, she will not tend to her health and will die, so how can he possibly make any other choice?

 

I think that for everyone's emotional health, you have to kick her out...yet do you think it would mean divorce? Because if that was the case, I'd be terrified, too. Or even if it's not divorce, it's possible that the fallout would create resentment and bitterness from your dh toward you. Do you think that would happen? If it wouldn't--then kick her out.

 

If it's possible that you'll lose your dh over this...then I can understand why you keep posting about this and dancing around the issue and being afraid to take action.

I suspect it is this exactly. I recognize this whole scenario because I have lived a similar one. Dh wouldn't kick out a dd that needed it because he had with his older so and the relationship is still strained. I had little ones and no place to go if I pushed too hard.

 

She did eventually go (I can't remember if he finally made her go... funny, it is fuzzy in my mind. And it did have some back and forth.)

 

I agree that it sounds like she needs to go. I get why it is hard, and why you may feel stuck,

 

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[scoutingmom]

I suspect it is this exactly. I recognize this whole scenario because I have lived a similar one. Dh wouldn't kick out a dd that needed it because he had with his older so and the relationship is still strained. I had little ones and no place to go if I pushed too hard.

 

She did eventually go (I can't remember if he finally made her go... funny, it is fuzzy in my mind. And it did have some back and forth.)

 

I agree that it sounds like she needs to go. I get why it is hard, and why you may feel stuck,

 

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And I see you have someplace to go. So not the same

 

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[LMD]

So she comes home and causes issues when her father isn't there? That is deliberate. You and your dh are being played.

 

I think the pp above had a good idea, not allowing her to bring food in. Change the locks and keep the door locked. If she comes home with food and dh isn't there simply and calmly restate the rule. She can sit on the doorstep until it's finished and the trash is in the outside bin. If she has a tantrum she is welcome to wait outside until your dh gets home or call the in laws.

Your dh also needs to be enforcing rent and cleaning - either making sure chores are done or paid for.

 

If everyone is expecting you to care for her like a sickly child until her death, while she uses the perks of being an adult and abuses you in the process, well that is just bs. It is mind-f*ckingly abusive. You aren't her maid/nurse/punching bag. You have already gone above and beyond.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly??? I'd be watching this person as closely as possible, with  the idea that there is no point in trusting them, and monitor their room with no privacy given at this point. Roaches are roaches and they are super disgusting.

[Daria]

They are black. They do not fly. They live in the street and are not in the house, yet.

 

Are you sure they aren't water bugs?

 

Black, bigger than an inch, live mostly outside?

[FaithManor]

Are her health issues bad enough to qualify her for disability and assisted living? I would be very inclined to tell Dh to express this route while I and my child are out of the house pulling ourselves back together. It could be a point of reconciliation. Assisted living would give her supervision, but a measure of independence. Paid staff are not so easily manipulated as relatives.

[Anne in CA]

Where I live the big black roaches cannot easily live inside. They are very susecptable to plain old Raid, much less anything professional strength. Mostly the big ones will die by your door or window if you spray outside your door and window sill with Raid every few weeks. 

[unsinkable]

Whatever happened with the cockroaches?

 

Would you leave her in your house alone for 3 weeks while you go on your vacation? I'd hate to see the condition of her room and the house upon your return!I

 

EEK!

[unsinkable]

Oh, shoot! I was looking for the cockroach thread to see if there was a resolution but I meant to post this question in your vacation thread.

[Χά�ων]

After reflection and talking to DH and having talked with them the conclusion is in their own words, "I don't want to grow up." That explains everything, they want a royal childhood with servants that extends well into adulthood. And life is about to get real. I am removing the internet or changing the password daily. They will be denied the new password unless they pay for it. We have four libraries within walking/short bus ride from our house.

 

Plans are now actively being made to meet with the inlaws to draft a plan of action to force them to grow up. In case that fails, I will be still cut off the free ride at our house. DH is going to school, we are setting up and will be running an Air B&B, my son is close to entering high school and his educational needs are increasing. DH and I are drawing up a list which include most of the house work that they will be requires to do.

 

Fret not those who view them as a modern day cinderella, their sibling has fallen for their plight and is actively looking for an apartment so they can take care of their sibling for life. They will fail. Fast food does not pay enough for a 2 bedroom in our area.

 

In this case they are invited to join us on vacation, 100% on their own dime. Paid up front in full. Vacations are for those who work. I consider attended college full time work. If they were truly independent, or actively trying, I would invite them and pay for it, as seems to have been the case for Crimson Wife. I am pretty sure Crimson Wife was not ok living among roaches because she did not want to grow up and work.

 

 

Re: roaches, we are actively murdering any who cross the lines of defense set on the outside paremeter of the house. Dh and I do weekly walk throughs of their room and crack down on food. In the past this adultchild was given a house to live and they completely trashed it. As in food left everywhere, trash covering the floor, no attempts to even sweep.

 

As an aside, we moved a year ago and the sheets have not been changed and the sleeping bag they use has not been washed, even post camping trip.

Edited July 16, 2017 by Χά�ων

[Χά�ων]

The above was typed on a cellphone before morning tea while trying to make pancakes and fight off a headache.